Ruber flies in on his gryphon, and yes, there’s a ‘being scared’ montage. Not as annoying as the laughing one though. Anyway, the ogre wakes up, but Kaa from the Jungle Book hypnotises it to go back to sleep. Finally, they do something useful. The title character has still done shit except mope though.
Then the heroes get the sword, and we have the ‘ogre’s butt’ scene. The bit where the ogre sits on Ruber and Gary Oldman names the body part that crushed his character
. Ruber doesn’t say that line here though. And we have Cynder crying out in pain. Yes, apparently Ruber has been killed by being sat on. What a way to go.
Having escaped the ogre with Exaclibur in their grasp, our heroes celebrate their victory. You know what this means – CELEBRATION MONTAGE YEAH! But Garret still goes emo and leaves them. Party pooper. On their way to Camelot, Devon kisses Cornwall, leading to GOD GOD NO ANOTHER LAUGHTER MONTAGE. ‘Now that’s funny!’ BAGHEERA WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?
Kayley gets captured by those robo-men-things, for Dark Cynder is to avenge her lover’s death...I feel dirty just typing that. And then we get more gameplay footage. Then it’s time to bring back Lord Cobra...using that Friends on the Other Side musical number again! But that scene doesn’t get old, even if it doesn’t fit because this isn’t a transformation.
So Lord Cobra is resurrected, brought back in all his evil glory and...
...he’s a Spore character.
Really.
And he finds it ‘neat’ that he’s resurrected and in robes. Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. And Dark Cynder wants to rename the sword ‘Dark Excalibur’. How original.
FINALE PART 1 (Yes, they’re named like that)
Kayley has a tender moment with her mother...and is that Gary Oldman? Ruber’s still...oh wait, Lord Cobra is voiced by Gary Oldman now for some reason. I guess Scroopfan decided to save us the WMM text this time. And what’s that tube thing hanging off his Lordship?
Devon and Cornwall tell Garret about Kayley’s capture, and go off on a rant about the villain leage. ‘They make those bully dragons look like complete wusses.’ Then why was Ruber menaced by one of those bully dragons? ‘They’re jerks, big giant jerks!’ That’s sticking it to the man. ‘Butt-brains!’ How old are you?
‘Egzackly?’ EGZACKLY?!
Shifu then tells the Fearsome Five to gather reinforcements. Between the Shell Louge Squad and the knights of Camelot, I think we have enough in terms of reinforcements. Or maybe I’m just saying that in hopes we won’t have more cartoon characters. Oh, who am I kidding, the Shell Lougers are useless, go get them reinforcements. Shifu also offers to fight Lord Cobra himself, but the hyenas try to dissuade him. Oh, now they care. I bet they’re still going to laugh as Shifu gets his ass handed to him. As Shifu leaves, Spongebob cries because that’s all he’s really good for. A sad song plays as all the toons look sad. How sad.
Now Ruber’s men and the villain leage have penetrated Camelot, leading to...another number. This number begins with Lord Cobra, now resembling a blue crocodile with extra limbs bathed in disco lights. What’s the number, you may ask? Giovanni’s song from Pokémon. I just love shoving in new villains to movies and giving them other villain’s songs. Maybe Spongebob and Friends in Hellraiser will have Xanatos from Gargoyles be the true mastermind behind the Cenobites, and upon being revealed, he’ll sing ‘Smile, Darn Ya, Smile’ from Batman The Brave And The Bold. Would that not be a hoot?
Dark Cynder then appears, telling her crew to attack the knights while she and Cobra go after Arthur. Thus begins the big fight. Some barely readable text tells us Spyro still cares for Cynder and he, that dragonfly and Kayley will stall the villains. As Kayley battles the metal monsters, Spyro points out the obvious again. Never stop doing that. When Kayley is saved by Garret, we are told ‘Shenzi grabs Spyro!’ Why would she need to, can’t Spyro fly?
Devon and Cornwall make a lame joke, a perfect segue into Master Shifu looking all dramatic among some lightning. He faces Lord Cobra, the latter still resembling Wally Gator cosplaying as Doctor Octopus. Cobra is a master impressionist, as he now sounds like Ian McShane here. Ah, only on Youtube vids.
Now we have a big dramatic battle. Can Spore be used to create dramatic battles? I don’t think so.
I really don’t think so. One of Lord Cobra’s moves involves running in the same spot over and over and then jumping. A magnificent warrior is this.
Kayley and Garret hear this confrontation and plan to intervene. Then Ruber’s griffin appears and the El Dorado guys do that girly scream again. Gee, I’m sure you have other clips of screams available. Thankfully, the gryphon is warded off by a Madagascar penguin.
Kayley and Garret go off, and the Shell Louge guys offer to fight the other baddies themselves. Seeing our stalwart heroes, Facilier orders the rhino guys from Robin Hood to ward them off, and Robin Hood suddenly appears to fight the soldiers. And thus we have a fight sequence from Robin Hood to pad things out.
But the baddies have their own rein...HOW MANY TIMES ARE THE EL DORADO GUYS GONNA SCREAM LIKE LITTLE GIRLS? Mulan is there too, leading to ‘snow in a snowless land’ as Deadpool puts it. Leave lampshading to the professionals. Wait, would the professionals need to lampshade because if they were professional, they’d avoid storytelling flaws that would be lampsha...digressed again.
And the villains have got genie Jafar on their side too. Well, the good guys are fucked. While a fight from Mulan is occurring, Jafar menaces the hyenas by making the ground crumble under their feet, unleashing a pool of boiling lava...and Shenzi wishes him back into his lamp. She could have wished for the baddies to be weakened or for Cynder to turn back to normal, but...oh great, I’m repeating myself. Then again, so is this movie.
Then we’re back to the Mulan fight, where the baddie is defeated by Po this time. And Spongebob finally does something other than stand around looking pretty as he attempts to fight, only leading to him getting trapped by Scroop. Remind me again why Spongebob’s the title character?
