History WarpThatAesop / WebOriginal

** '''''NEVER''''' try to fix ''anything'', make your dreams a reality, or try a new activity or hobby. Either way, you'll die a horrific death, and you deserve to be treated with NoSympathy for it, and have your story passed around as a warning for future generations.

** '''''NEVER''''' try to fix ''anything'', make your dreams a reality, or try a new activity or hobby. Either way, you'll die a horrific death, and you deserve to be treated with NoSympathy for it.

** We promote everything that UsefulNotes/CharlesDarwin stood for. Were you asleep in biology class when they went over his belief that HumansAreMorons?

** We promote everything that UsefulNotes/CharlesDarwin stood for. Were you asleep in biology class when they went over his belief that HumansAreMorons, and [[TheSocialDarwinist that his "survival of the fittest" ideal should be applied to humankind as well]]?

** ''Never'' try to fix ''anything'', and '''''NEVER''''' try a new activity or hobby. Either way, you'll die a horrific death.
** The best way to prolong your death is to have an impossibly high IQ, [[BlatantLies because even the smartest people never make mistakes]]!
** We promote everything that UsefulNotes/CharlesDarwin stood for. Were you asleep in biology class when they went over his belief that HumansAreMorons?

** Want to fill in time on your schedule and don't have any syndicated programming to throw on? Air a classified government film that tells people to commit mass suicide in the event of an invasion!

* WebVideo/{{React}}: Trying to copyright a word is a great way to endear yourself to your audience. They'll just love having to pay you royalties for making any video at all similar to yours.
** The average teenager will just stare on in disbelief when a Walkman is placed in front of them, and take a half hour trying to get it to work. This means you are old.
*** Today's technology will always be in style. Of course future teens won't be just as baffled by iphones in 15-20 years.

** Never use a VCR to record television shows. Instances of "broadcast anomalies" declined greatly when they stopped manufacturing them.

The Critical Drinker: Movies and Tv Shows are never bad because of bad writing. It's always the Culture War's fault.

** Naïve, impulsive teen girls make excellent combat leaders.

** If you're trying to prevent someone from being killed or especially from killing themselves, you're a monster who needs to move on with life and accept that people die. Who cares if you're suffering from grief over people dying, get over yourself, and don't blame the depressed girl who's also suffering from grief and loss.
*** On the other hand, don't be jealous of people who are living their best lives. If you want a break from having to be the chosen one or designated leader, who cares? You also need to get over yourself and need a reality check, don't get pissed off at the guy who's terrified of losing people after having witnessed so much death and loss on his end.

*** If someone's trying to prevent you and your community from getting hurt, that means you should all try to kill yourselves! Special points to if they're suffering from grief of witnessing their friends and loved ones die, they need a reality check and a HardTruthAesop that they can't control everything nor can they always protect the ones they love. You and your community can reincarnate into something much better anyways afterwards.

** To sum up Volume 9's themes around Ascension: Suicide is the solution to all of your problems.
*** If someone's trying to prevent you and your community from getting hurt, that means you should all try to kill yourselves! Even if they're suffering from grief of witnessing their friends and loved ones die, they need a reality check that they can't control everything, and you and your community can reincarnate into something much better anyways.
*** Having trouble figuring out your life, feeling neglected by your friends, struggling from the guilt of your past mistakes or the loss of a loved one? Just kill yourself! You can get some therapy straight from a god, learn the comforting truth of people you've long since lost, and it makes for a convenient method of self-discovery before you DEFINITELY come back to life and the problems between you and your loved ones are automatically solved.

* ''WebAnimation/FreedomToons'': All leftists support censorship and hate freedom of speech.

** Do not ever try to fix ''anything'', and ''never'' try a new activity or hobby. Either way, you'll die a horrific death.

** Having trouble figuring out your life, feeling neglected by your friends, struggling from the guilt of your past mistakes or the loss of a loved one? Just kill yourself! You can get some therapy straight from a god, learn the comforting truth of people you've long since lost, and it makes for a convenient method of self-discovery before you surely come back to life.

** Having trouble figuring out your life, struggling from the guilt of your past mistakes or the loss of a loved one? Just kill yourself! You can get some therapy straight from a god, and it makes for a convenient method of self-discovery before you surely come back to life.

** Having trouble figuring out your life, struggling from the guilt of your past mistakes or the loss of a loved one? Just kill yourself! You can get some therapy straight from a god, and it makes for a convenient method of self-discovery.

* Website/{{Facebook}}:

* Website/{{Kickstarter}}: "[[VideoGame/WarioWare Just give me]] ''[[VideoGame/WarioWare your]]'' [[VideoGame/WarioWare money, so I can make]] ''[[VideoGame/WarioWare my]]'' [[https://youtu.be/XSY98rBOca0?t=36s dreams come true.]]"

* Website/MySpace: If your website is spiraling toward bankruptcy and users are leaving in droves, there's no need to listen to what your users want when rushing in unpopular changes, you obviously know what you're doing.

* Website/SmackJeeves: All good comics are either [[YaoiGenre Boy's Love]] or {{Sprite Comic}}s. No exceptions.

* Website/{{Tumblr}}:

* Website/{{Twitter}}:

* Website/{{NewGrounds}}: Edgy = funny.

* ''WebAnimation/Supermarioglitchy4sSuperMario64Bloopers'': You can [[CerebusRollercoaster shift the tone of your story constantly]], nobody will mind it one bit!

*** Being autistic has no downsides whatsoever.