History WarpThatAesop / FamilyGuy

* How do you know if Jesus loves you a bunch? Because he always puts Skippy in your lunch.

* It's perfectly alright to hate someone for abandoning their child (even though that's actually not what happened), only dating women for their bodies, lusting after their best friend's wife, being a self-righteous dick, insulting people who like religion and being a bore while you've fathered and abandoned countless children all over the world, are a convicted sex offender guilty of multiple rapes of both adult women and underage girls, lust after that same best friend's wife yourself, brag about working at a soup kitchen when you're probably really only there to pick up homeless women, and are in short a world-class hypocrite. And if the guy you hates had sex with your transgender father, it's perfectly alright to beat him half to death even though your father both consented to and enjoyed the experience, even when there are countless people who'd be far more justified beating ''you'' half to death for the countless sexual assaults you've committed.

* It's perfectly alright to hate someone for abandoning their child (even though that's actually not what happened), only dating women for their bodies, lusting after his best friend's wife, being a self-righteous dick and insulting people who like religion and being a bore while you've fathered and abandoned countless children all over the world, are a convicted sex offender guilty of multiple rapes of both adult women and underage girls, lust after that same best friend's wife yourself, brag about working at a soup kitchen when you're probably really only there to pick up homeless women, and are in short a world-class hypocrite. And if the guy you hates had sex with your transgender father, it's perfectly alright to beat him half to death even though your father both consented to and enjoyed the experience, even when there are countless people who'd be far more justified beating ''you'' half to death for the countless sexual assaults you've committed.

* Jealousy over the success of competing cartoon is [[DisproportionateRetribution reason enough for a character from your show to "cross over" just to rape and murder the stars of the other show.]]

* If your paraplegic friend annoys you, it's your duty to [[DisproportionateRetribution place him in a corner with a stick underneath his wheels so he can't bother you.]]

* Z + Q + Q + Q + 4 + the ''Franchise/{{Batman}}'' symbol = Alex Karras in ''Series/{{Webster}}''.

* "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air": Don't let a friend or significant other be cured of a disability if it might result in them changing in ways you wouldn't like. [[Main/ItsAllAboutMe What you get out of the relationship]] is ''way'' more important than their quality of life.

* It is perfectly okay to hold the town mayor at gunpoint because your cousin can't get married to his boyfriend. Under no circumstances should they just head a few states over to Vermont and get hitched there.[[note]]Seriously, it's about a three hour drive from Rhode Island.[[/note]] It's also okay when one of them is a possibly illegal immigrant who can't speak English, the one trying to marry him is a dog that doesn't speak his language, and their relationship is based entirely around sex.

* Cocking your head to and fro while making nonsense sounds before, during and after sex is a surefire method of contraception and STD prevention.
** Yeah, but the women have survived. And his children like Courtney and Anna Lee have been shown to be in good health.

** If you know someone (not named Meg Griffin) who is in an abusive relationship, give the victim an intervention, but never try to talk the abuser out of it. The only reasonable solution is murder.

* Showboating after scoring a touchdown will get you transferred to a weaker team.

* If your idiot husband decides to take a vow of chastity, don't bother talking it over with him. Just rape him. Also, abstinence is bad because people will do stupid things because they don't understand it.

* Feel free to hand out weed by the truckload in public. As long as you have a catchy tune, you'll get off scot-free. Heck, you might even get it legalized.

* "Peter-assment": Hey, folks! It's perfectly fine to sexually harass someone if you haven't had sex in a long time. And victims! You should give in for this reason, regardless if you have a significant other or not, because the poor baby is just so horny, it would be cruel to leave them hanging.

** Tweeting one offensive joke on social media makes you worse than mass murderer, and you deserve to be hated and shunned by everyone in town, including your own family.
** Your aforementioned family deserves to be shunned as well because they were associated with you.

* Over time, your heroic paraplegic friend will become little more than the butt of handicap jokes.

* It is perfectly okay to hold the town mayor at gunpoint because your cousin can't get married to his boyfriend. Under no circumstances should they just head a few states over to Vermont and get hitched there. It's also okay when one of them is a possibly illegal immigrant who can't speak English, the one trying to marry him is a dog that doesn't speak his language, and their relationship is based entirely around sex.

** According to Peter, husbands are not really adults, they are people who pay for things yet are still burdens.

* Bullying and child abuse is ''hilarious!!''

* DomesticAbuse is horrible, and you shouldn't endure it. [[BrokenAesop Unless you're]] [[ButtMonkey Meg Griffin]], then [[HardTruthAesop you must endure it]] so your [[BigScrewedUpFamily fucked-up family]] won't turn on each other.

* DomesticAbuse is horrible, and you shouldn't endure it. [[BrokenAesop Unless you're]] [[ButtMonkey Meg Griffin]], then [[FamilyUnfriendlyAesop you must endure it]] so your [[BigScrewedUpFamily fucked-up family]] won't turn on each other.

** When did they say that? Quagmire is implied to have diseases and have gotten girls pregnant.

** If someone posts a racist tweet, give them hell for it, no matter how apologetic he is about it. If you're completely hateful and toxic to the person apologizing (which in that case proves their point about how people on the internet [[DisproportionateRetribution take things out of proportion]]), then you're completely justified.

* Showing that you're supportive of gay rights is best shown through ''un-subtly putting in as many offensive stereotypes and jokes as possible!''

** Meta example: If you spout explicit racism on the Internet, [[MoralDissonance you're a persecuted hero who can do no wrong]]. If you face actual consequences for your bigotry, it's everyone else's fault for being oversensitive and blowing things out of proportion! It's not like racism is a huge problem that people genuinely face on a daily basis, no, not at all!
** A racist douche being called out on being a racist douche is a ''bad'' thing, apparently.

* "I am Peter, Hear Me Roar:"
** Any attempt to reform misogynistic men will only end up in them not knowing their gender roles in a marriage.
** Turning an annoying, cruel, abusive Jerkass into a nice, caring, sweet, and gentle person is a bad thing.
** The only way a woman can ever be satisfied in her marriage is if her husband is a misogynist who has little to no respect for women.

* Over time, your heroic paraplegic friend will become little more than the butt of handicap jokes.

* Over time, your heroic paraplegic friend will become little more than the butt of handicap jokes.

** Turning an annoying, cruel, abusive [[Jerkass Jerkass]] into a nice, caring, sweet, and gentle person is a bad thing.

* "Don't Make Me Over:" You'll eventually want to go back to looking the way you did before your makeover, even though your old looks is the reason you're regularly picked on to the point you come home crying everyday from school.