History Quotes / ExcusePlot

->''The story of ''VideoGame/Pacific Drive'' has a few layers, some thinner than others, like a poorly-crafted caramel slice. [...] But you know what? I'll take it. It'll do. Because all I want from the story is an excuse. It could just tell me that driving my car keeps the baby owls nesting in the carburetor warm, and that'd do, because driving the car is fun!''
-->-- '''Creator/{{Yahtzee|Croshaw}}''' on ''VideoGame/Pacific Drive'', ''WebAnimation/FullyRamblomatic''

-->--' ''Videogame/{{Doom}}''

!!VideoGames

-->--'''''Videogame/{{Doom}}'''''

-->--'''''VideoGame/MaxPayne''''' game manual

-->-- '''''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'''''

-->--'''''VideoGame/ThereArePeopleInTheBlocks''''' game manual

!!WebOriginal

-->--'''Rob Gonsalves''' [[https://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php on]] ''Film/BrokenArrow1996''

-->--'''[[Creator/SeanBaby Seanbaby]]''', [[http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/nes/intro.htm regarding the intro screen]] to ''VideoGame/BadDudes''

-->-- '''''The Cutting Room Floor''''' [[https://tcrf.net/Final_Fight_(Arcade) on]] ''VideoGame/FinalFight''

!!WebVideo

!!RealLife

-->--'''[[Creator/DisneysNineOldMen Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston]]''' on Creator/WaltDisney's story methods, "Too Funny for Words: Disney's Greatest Sight Gags" pg. 20

-->--'''Creator/JenniferMorrison''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLF6_9vKmnA on]] the set of ''VideoGame/CommandAndConquerTiberiumWars''

!!Newspapers
->''There are two Good Parts, not counting her [[{{Fanservice}} naked ride on horseback]], which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of ''Film/{{Bolero}}'' is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.''
-->-- '''Creator/RogerEbert'''

-->--The [[AllThereInTheManual manual]] of '''''VideoGame/ThereArePeopleInTheBlocks'''''

->''You're the last Space Marine left on Mars. Shoot anything that moves.''

-->--''Videogame/{{Doom}}''

-->-- ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2''

-->--The [[AllThereInTheManual manual]] of ''VideoGame/ThereArePeopleInTheBlocks''

->"''Aliens are bad'' in this game! I know that. And so is [[{{Unobtainium}} Tiberium]]. Especially if it blows up. Or it they weaponize...it. So there you have it."
-->--'''Creator/JenniferMorrison''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLF6_9vKmnA on]] the set of ''VideoGame/CommandAndConquerTiberiumWars''

->"This is the one action series where, by design, you don't need to waste time and weigh down the narrative with a bunch of convoluted bullshit for why he's going somewhere, getting into fights and then killing a bad guy. He does it because it's his fucking ''job!'' It's not even a duty or a calling. He gets paid for this shit! He has a licence for it -- ''literally!''"
-->-- '''Creator/BobChipman''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvSHbaA4ep8 on]] ''Film/JamesBond''

-->--'''[[Creator/SeanBaby Seanbaby]]''', [[http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/nes/intro.htm regarding the intro screen]] to ''VideoGame/BadDudes'' (currently the main page image)

->''At that time, however, even the distributors were questioning whether gags were enough to sustain a whole film and they started asking for more story. Walt, the greatest of storytellers, reacted in a surprising way. "By the time you have a story really started," he said, "it is time to iris out (end the picture), and you have failed to make the audience laugh." Obviously, in Walt's mind, the first priority in any film was the laughter, and too much story quickly became tedious. He never forgot that point throughout his whole life, constantly shying away from projects that had more continuity than entertainment.''
-->--'''[[Creator/DisneysNineOldMen Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston]]''' on Creator/WaltDisney's story methods, "Too Funny for Words: Disney's Greatest Sight Gags" pg. 20

->Once upon a time there were three people named Ar, Gee, and Bee. They lived happily together and agreed this game should be devoid of any meaningful long-term narrative.

->Wait, what? What do you mean there's lore in this game? You guys actually paid someone to write a story about [[VideoGame/StarCraft Raynor]] meeting VideoGame/{{Diablo}}? Isn't this precisely what fan-fiction is for? I didn't approve any of this!
-->-- '''[[VideoGame/{{Warcraft}} Thrall]]'''[[note]]Voiced by Creator/ChrisMetzen, who at the time was likely the person who either wrote the story or at least approved it[[/note]], about ''VideoGame/HeroesOfTheStorm''

->The story is meaningless, because it’s just an excuse to welcome Oscar Winner Creator/JamieFoxx [[ItMakesSenseInContext doing a Nutcracker rap]].
-->--'''Anthony Strand''' in his and '''Matthew Soberman's''' [[http://www.toughpigs.com/elmos-christmas-smackdown/ debate]] on '''[=ToughPigs=]''' as to whether or not ''Film/ElmosChristmasCountdown'' is good

->The other side is the enemy. You've been hired to shoot their asses off.
-->-- ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2''

->The mayor's daughter has been kidnapped! Go beat everyone up.
-->-- '''The Cutting Room Floor''', [[https://tcrf.net/Final_Fight_(Arcade) describing]] ''VideoGame/FinalFight''

->You're the last Space Marine left on Mars. Shoot anything that moves.
-->--''Videogame/{{Doom}}''

->In order to understand the game, this is the story to it (not much of a story, but enough to understand why you are doing what you are doing while playing the game)
-->--The [[AllThereInTheManual manual]] of ''VideoGame/ThereArePeopleInTheBlocks''

->''The bad guy, cocky military pilot Creator/JohnTravolta (think [[Dranchise/StarWars Han Solo]] crossed with [[Film/PulpFiction Vincent Vega]]), steals not one but two thermonuclear missiles; the good guy, heroic but untested Creator/ChristianSlater (think nobody in particular -- Slater's gun does his acting here), must outwit Han Vega and recover the missiles. The movie is infatuated with [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything potency games and one-upmanship.]] Who's got the missile? …Yost's scripts are skeletons onto which gifted directors (''{{Film/Speed}}''[='=]s Jan de Bont, and, in this case, the legendary Creator/JohnWoo) can graft meaty action sequences. But those hoping for witty dialogue, due to the presence of [[Creator/QuentinTarantino Tarantino]] alumni Travolta and Slater, are in for a dry evening. Yost can't get enough of lines like "We gotta get outta here!" and "We don't have time to discuss it!" (Quentin would have given them [[SeinfeldianConversation plenty of time.]])''

->''The bad guy, cocky military pilot Creator/JohnTravolta (think [[Dranchise/StarWars Han Solo]] crossed with [[Film/PulpFiction Vincent Vega]]), steals not one but two thermonuclear missiles; the good guy, heroic but untested Creator/Christian Slater (think nobody in particular -- Slater's gun does his acting here), must outwit Han Vega and recover the missiles. The movie is infatuated with [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything potency games and one-upmanship.]] Who's got the missile? …Yost's scripts are skeletons onto which gifted directors (''{{Film/Speed}}''[='=]s Jan de Bont, and, in this case, the legendary Creator/JohnWoo) can graft meaty action sequences. But those hoping for witty dialogue, due to the presence of [[Creator/QuentinTarsntino Tarantino]] alumni Travolta and Slater, are in for a dry evening. Yost can't get enough of lines like "We gotta get outta here!" and "We don't have time to discuss it!" (Quentin would have given them [[SeinfeldianConversation plenty of time.]])''

->''There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of ''{{Film/Bolero}}'' is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.''

-->--'''[[Creator/SeanBaby Seanbaby]]''', [[http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/nes/intro.htm regarding the intro screen]] to [[VideoGame/BadDudes Bad Dudes]] (currently the main page image)

-->--'''Videogame/{{Doom}}'''

->And this is what I mean about overthinking the series. There's a REASON Franchise/JamesBond movies open with an action scene and then jump into the main Act 2 plot stuff: because they fucking ''can!'' This is the one action series where, by design, you don't need to waste time and weigh down the narrative with a bunch of convoluted bullshit for why he's going somewhere, getting into fights and then killing a bad guy. He does it because it's his fucking ''job!'' It's not even a duty or a calling. He gets paid for this shit! He has a licence for it -- ''literally!'' It doesn't need to be a personal vendetta, or mommy issues, or a ''bad guy'' with a personal vendetta! Go someplace colourful, kill a bunch of people and then shoot the bad guy is James Bond's nine-to-five workday. You don't need to overcomplicate that shit... and if you ''do'', at least try to scrape something off your sandals better than this "Daddy always liked you best!" bullshit!
-->-- '''[[Creator/BobChipman Moviebob]]''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvSHbaA4ep8 criticizing]] ''Film/{{Spectre}}'s'' handling of the James Bond formula

->Obviously, this intro is far too cool for me to consider commenting on it. But I do wish I was in the room when the committee decided that the best way to rescue the president was to find two civilian punks. Did the secretary of defense stand up and say, "We can't spare the military personnel to rescue our president. So we'll just inspire a couple of street dudes to do it by questioning their badness. Easy."

->At that time, however, even the distributors were questioning whether gags were enough to sustain a whole film and they started asking for more story. Walt, the greatest of storytellers, reacted in a surprising way. "By the time you have a story really started," he said, "it is time to iris out (end the picture), and you have failed to make the audience laugh." Obviously, in Walt's mind, the first priority in any film was the laughter, and too much story quickly became tedious. He never forgot that point throughout his whole life, constantly shying away from projects that had more continuity than entertainment.

->Let's face it. Nobody is going to ''Bolero'' for the plot anyway. They're going for the [[{{Fanservice}} Good Parts]]. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of ''Bolero'' is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.
-->-- '''Creator/RogerEbert'''

-->'''[[Creator/SeanBaby Seanbaby]]''', [[http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/nes/intro.htm regarding the intro screen]] to [[VideoGame/BadDudes Bad Dudes]] (currently the main page image)

-->--''Videogame/{{Doom}}

->''"Once upon a time there were three people named Ar, Gee, and Bee. They lived happily together and agreed this game should be devoid of any meaningful long-term narrative."''

->''"Wait, what? What do you mean there's lore in this game? You guys actually paid someone to write a story about [[VideoGame/StarCraft Raynor]] meeting VideoGame/{{Diablo}}? Isn't this precisely what fan-fiction is for? I didn't approve any of this!"''

->''"The story is meaningless, because it’s just an excuse to welcome Oscar Winner Creator/JamieFoxx [[ItMakesSenseInContext doing a Nutcracker rap]]."''

->''"The other side is the enemy. You've been hired to shoot their asses off."''

->''"Let's face it. Nobody is going to ''Bolero'' for the plot anyway. They're going for the [[{{Fanservice}} Good Parts]]. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of ''Bolero'' is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs."''

->''"The mayor's daughter has been kidnapped! Go beat everyone up."''

-->--'''Anthony Strand'' in his and '''Matthew Soberman's''' [[http://www.toughpigs.com/elmos-christmas-smackdown/ debate]] on '''[=ToughPigs=]''' as to whether or not ''Film/ElmosChristmasCountdown'' is good

-->--[[Creator/DisneysNineOldMen Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston]] on Creator/WaltDisney's story methods, "Too Funny for Words: Disney's Greatest Sight Gags" pg. 20

-->-- '''[[Franchise/{{Warcraft}} Thrall]]'''[[note]]Voiced by Creator/ChrisMetzen, who at the time was likely the person who either wrote the story or at least approved it[[/note]], about ''VideoGame/HeroesOfTheStorm''

-->-- '''[[Franchise/{{Warcraft}} Thrall]]'''[[note]]Voiced by Chris Metzen, who at the time was likely the person who either wrote the story or at least approved it[[/note]], about ''VideoGame/HeroesOfTheStorm''

-->-- '''[[Franchise/{{Warcraft}} Thrall]]''', about ''VideoGame/HeroesOfTheStorm''

->''"Wait, what? What do you mean there's lore in this game? You guys actually paid someone to write a story about [[Franchise/{{Starcraft}} Raynor]] meeting VideoGame/{{Diablo}}? Isn't this precisely what fan-fiction is for? I didn't approve any of this!"''

->The pitch for this movie must have been interesting. 'Okay, we have Vinnie Jones killing people with a gigantic meat tenderizer! Why? Who gives a sh*t! We’ll work that out as we go along.'
-->--'''[[http://moviemoses.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/the-midnight-meat-train-2008-ryuhei-kitamura/ Miles Antwiler]]''' on ''The Midnight Meat Train''

->Busey is an ex-cooler (a cooler is the guy called in when things get too hot for the bouncers-- my god, I know too much about ''Film/RoadHouse'') who wants the Black Pelican because it's "prime-ass real estate when it comes to the exciting world of drug running"... Apparently the bar is in some nexus of drug-running convenience, the right distance from Florida and Texas and within easy reach of those extensive swamp smuggling lanes. But once again, I don't see why these drug deals have to be made at a bar when they could be made [[CutLexLuthorACheck much more easily at the pier or any other building]]. The only thing I can think of is that The Busey is a big fan of the music and their Bloomin' Onion appetizer.
-->--'''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]]''' [[http://spoonyexperiment.com/road-house-2/ on]] ''Road House 2''

->Wait--''what?'' How did we go from, "I don't like that my sister is dating some wiener in a band," to, "I must fight that band '''[[TakeOverTheCity for control of the area!]]'''" Are we in some post-Apocalyptic world where Orlando is divided into kingdoms run by ninjas and rock bands?"''
-->--'''Creator/AllisonPregler''' on ''Film/MiamiConnection''

->Oh please, don't try to have a plot now, movie. You're, like, an hour in.
-->--''WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic'' on the sudden tonal shift in ''Film/CoolAsIce''

->Kitty Pryde (Creator/EllenPage) turns out to not be just good at walking through walls, but also capable of sending peoples' minds back in time, so they can warn of surprise attacks before they happen. Most minds can't handle more than a day or so, but when Wolverine points out that his mind can heal from anything, they decide to send him all the way back to [[TheSeventies 1973]], the year the Sentinels made their big debut. Now, you may be asking, if the Sentinels were built in the '70s and they've been steadily evolving ever since, where exactly were they in the other movies...? Also, how did the world not know about mutants prior to Senator Kelly crusading against them in [[TheNineties the '90s?]] If you are asking that question, and bothered by it, you may not enjoy the rest of the movie very much. It really comes down to "Do I like this cast and crew enough to forgive the huge {{plot hole}}s?'
-->--'''''Blog/ToplessRobot''''', [[http://www.toplessrobot.com/2014/05/tr_review_x-men_days_of_future_past_isokay.php "X-Men: Days of Future Past is...okay"]]

->The movie is a mind-boggling gorefest; the whole setup is really just a thin excuse for an endless array of gruesome horrors... the alternative script for a logical ''Story of [[Film/RikiOhTheStoryOfRicky Ricky]]'' was two pages long, one of which consisted of the words 'Ricky goes to prison, then decides to leave.' The other was just a graphically detailed crayon drawing of a smashed brain.
-->--'''''{{Website/Cracked}}''''', [[http://www.cracked.com/article_18692_the-5-most-ridiculous-martial-arts-movies-ever.html#ixzz31rRrkFR7 "The 5 Most Ridiculous Martial Arts Movies Ever"]]

->'''Jack:''' I don't know if this can be said enough: ''We have no idea why dinosaurs are this world.''\\
'''Jay:''' Other than the fact that they wanted to make a movie with dinosaurs in it.\\
'''Josh:''' They hint at that early on in the movie: They're about ready to "clone raccoons" and bring them back from extinction. Why would you do dinosaurs ''first''?\\
'''Rich:''' Why would you '''[[ForScience not]]'''??\\
'''Josh:''' Because it's unpredictable, Rich. Bring raccoons back and see how that works.\\
'''Jay:''' I've seen ''Jurassic Park''. Everything'll work out ''fine!''
-->--''WebVideo/BestOfTheWorst'' on ''Film/TheodoreRex''

->'''Mike:''' Admiral Robocop, he got worried because [[Film/StarTrek Romulans from the future blew up Vulcan and blew up all the Starfleet ships]]. So he says, "We need to have a militarized Starfleet." But politically, that's not gonna fly, so, uh, because of that, Starfleet ships were looking around the galaxy(?).\\
'''Jay:''' It's one of those things they explain in one line. Like, "eh, so we went searching for ''[[HandWave things]].''"\\
'''Mike:''' Yes. And so, they found Khan floating on a ship... They wake up Khan and say, "Khan, ''you'' are a smart super-man. I guess you also know how to build an incredibly-advanced starship."\\
'''Rich:''' "Because, y'know, with [[FridgeLogic your knowledge of technology that's 300 years old]], I can't think of a more perfect person to build a modern day super-ship."
-->--''[[WebVideo/HalfInTheBag Half in the Bag]]'' on ''Film/StarTrekIntoDarkness''

->Jennifer O’Neill is getting the HSOTD badge of honor (''“[[OldShame More like dishonor]]” ''– Jennifer O’Neill, 2015), because she starred in this mess of a show from 1984 called ''Cover Up''. It lasted only one season. I wish I would’ve seen this, because it sounds like [[BileFascination a slow-moving train wreck]]. Jennifer played a fashion photographer who learns that her dead husband was a CIA agent. She really wants to find her husband’s killer and gets a former Special Forces Operator to help her. For some reason, the director of the CIA [[KlingonPromotion gives Jennifer’s character her husband’s old job.]] MESS!
-->--'''[[http://dlisted.com/2015/03/26/hot-slut-of-the-day-599/ Michael K.]]''', ''Hot Slut of the Day'' - Jennifer O'Neill

->So ''Torchwood''. [[Series/TorchwoodMiracleDay Series four.]] Ideas. Went for a walk round LA. Dying for a smoke! But not allowed. Hmmph. Everyone's so health conscious here. Cancer. huh!\\\
[[EurekaMoment WAIT!]] I've got it! Captain Jack, lovely [[JohnBarrowman Johnny Barrowman]], can't die. (Jack that is, not JB unfortunately!) We've established that for three series. But what if... oh what if? A twist! Now [[SequelEscalation NOBODY CAN DIE!]] Brilliant!\\\
But why? How? Oh I don't know we'll make something up. Something about [[{{Technobabble}} morphic fields.]] (What are they? I don't know. It doesn't matter).\\\
So lots of old grannies having to be looked after who refuse to just shuffle off. And lots of walking wounded prosthetics (what is the fx budget?) It's horrendous. HORRENDOUS!\\\
But wait...what if then. Then...We kill off a major character? Oh not a real one like Gwen or Lovely Johnny. No we'll make one up and then, having established no-one can die. They Die! [[StuffedIntoTheFridge Horribly.]] Brilliant. But how? I don't know can we incinerate them? In a big oven. Too gruesome? I don't know. But it's brilliant I tell you. BRILLIANT! We can get lovely Janey Espenson to write that episode. She'll make it funny and tragic and oh so heart-breaking all at the same time.\\\
That's it. Enough ideas. I'm going out for more fags. (Cigarettes whoops! must remember I'm in LA. How could I forget? ''Torchwood''! [[ForeignRemake In LA.]] Brilliant!)
-->--''[[http://www.philipsandifer.com/2014/07/outside-government-categories-of-life.html#comment-form TARDIS Eruditorum]]'' (to be read in your best Creator/RussellTDavies voice)