History Quotes / ConspiracyTheorist

->'''Zeke''': "Look, I'm being serious man, now DARPA is the mother-load of black-ops crap. If she's in with those clowns, you better watch out, son."\\
'''Cole''': "Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Santa Claus shot J.F.K, now where are those drinks?"

->''Look. [[RightForTheWrongReasons Who I am isn't important]]. What is important, what is vitally important, is raising awareness of the truth. You can quote me on that, David O. Screed, editor-in-chief of "Weird Non-Fiction" magazine. Maybe you've read us... or maybe they stopped you. I'm talking the universal "they." Puppet governments, [[TheIlluminati their shadow masters]], [[MegaCorp Big Brother corporations]], Satanic cults, [[ApocalypseCult squid worshippers]], UsefulNotes/TheKnightsTemplar - pick a card, man, any card. The wilder it is, the more out there it is, the better. Don't you get it? [[DevilInPlainSight Put all the madness in plain view]], then they call us crazy. The moral panic never lasts! We're the sheep and they're the cooks! [[SmallNameBigEgo I'm just one voice, but I'm making myself heard]].''

->''Lovely woman, [[UsefulNotes/ElizabethII the Queen.]] For an [[ReptilianConspiracy ancient lizard posing as a human]], anyway. But I tell you, she knows the score. It's the government that didn't want anyone to know about [[AncientConspiracy Dee's prophecy]], not Her Maj. I hope they get her away to India or something. Their climate's better for reptiles, anyway.''

->''Tarajeen was home early. Jeimos found her in the sitting room, making the mess worse by stabbing holes in the plaster wall with a kitchen knife.''
->''“What in the world are you doing?” blurted Jeimos, dropping their bags by the door.''
->''Tarajeen kept stabbing different points on the wall, didn’t miss a beat as she replied, “Zareen agents have planted pixie spies in the walls! I heard their scratching and their nasty little whispers! They can’t escape me! I’ll kill them all, the little bastards!”''
-->--''Literature/LoomingGaia'', "The Shadow Sector"

->If you closely analyze the explosions here, here, and here, you’ll notice that this is a controlled demolition. And if you take all segments and the first letter of each city that each segment was shot in, it spells out the word "CNHOS", which means nothing but it clearly reveals that the government has been infiltrated by TheIlluminati, whose informant, as we all know, is none other than [[Franchise/StarWars Chewbacca]] and the author of the [[Literature/HarryPotterAndThePrisonerOfAzkaban third]] ''Literature/HarryPotter'' book, which alludes to an alien plot to destroy the world, but not just any alien, but this alien, [[Film/ETTheExtraterrestrial this alien]], and this alien. And who is the only human being who can save us from this GovernmentConspiracy? Creator/NicolasCage.

->'''Applejack''': You guys, I am so sorry I didn't believe you. The chupapplecabra is real.\\
'''Granny Smith''': Wait, hold on just a second.\\
'''Applejack''': Not only that. The goverment is covering it up, the internet says so.\\
'''Granny Smith''': Applejack, our point was that Applebloom should have fun, not that this shit's actually real. Also, aren't you best friends with, like, the government?\\
'''Applejack''': It's not just that. I kept reading, and I learnt other true shit, too. The Wonderbolts are spraying chemicals in the atmosphere. Celestia and Luna are actually lizard ponies. The earth is flat. The cake is a lie. And our entire reality, even our thoughts and voices, is an animated simulation created by interdimensional puppeteers called Canadians.

->'''TortureTechnician''': You stole files from our computer. Just tell me what you've learned.\\
'''ComicBook/TheQuestion''': Topically applied fluoride doesn't prevent tooth decay. It ''does'' render teeth detectable by {{spy satellite}}!\\
'''Torture Technician''': Tell me what you know!\\
'''The Question''': [[WhatTheHeckIsAnAglet The plastic tips at the ends of shoelaces are called aglets]]. Their true purpose is '''sinister'''.\\
'''Torture Technician''': Tell me what you know!\\
'''The Question''': There ''was'' a [[WhoShotJFK magic bullet]]. It was forged by [[TheIlluminati Illuminati]] mystics to prevent us from learning ''the truth!''

->'''Levy''': Hey, Mariner! I'm Lieutenant Levy. We went on a date last year. I don't know if you recall.\\
'''Mariner''': Yeah, Steve, I remember. You said [[Recap/StarTrekTheNextGenerationS3E26S4E1TheBestOfBothWorlds Wolf 359]] was an inside job.\\
'''Levy''': It totally was. So, hey, I was wondering, could you give this to your mom for me? It's just a few ideas I threw together on how to decorate the captain's yacht.\\
'''Mariner''': Fine. Whatever.\\
'''Levy''': You're the best. Thanks, Mariner. Changelings aren't real. The [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Dominion War]] didn't happen!

->''You guys think this is real? Your all sheep idiots. Pause the video at 0:02 seconds. You think that's a real boot? If that was a real boot then why would it be black? This is so clearly propaganda from the Bush era. All of this is bollocks, 9/11 was an inside job and the guy who is in this video went missing for 3 days after this was filmed and then turned up covered in jam in a church struggling to breathe dragging the carcass of a camel behind him screaming 'dirty denim doublers. Fuck the administration, this world is a lie.' then he collapsed and died under a bridge. Why would there even be a bridge in a church??? All bollocks. Open your eyes you sheep.''

->''Why do you people keep trying to find symbolism everywhere? Life isn't a fucking comic book. The villains aren't going to leave clues for you''

->''The appeal of conspiracy theories is that you are ''instantly'' smarter than 99% of everyone else on the planet.\\

All they’re hearing is “Hey, do you wanna go back to being average, while I keep calling you stupid and everyone reminds you how extra stupid you once were?”''

->''The thing about conspiracy theories is that in order [for them] to propagate, you have to be able to describe them over a maximum of two pints of beer. And that means that they won't, by nature, be very complex... but neither, interestingly, will they be very frightening -- even if they involve the [[ReptilianConspiracy Reptiloid]] [[TheIlluminati Illuminati]]. Their actual function in that simplicity is to protect us from the really terrifying realities, which are inherently vastly complex.''

'''Luke Cage:''' ''(dragging Ghost off)'' Okay, that's enough. Someone hasn't been taking his meds.\\

->'''Bud''': Hippy, you think everything is a conspiracy.
->'''Hippy''': Everything is.

->''I'm not crazy. Whatever it is they're guarding so carefully, I need to be able to prove that it's real.''

->'''Howie:''' The US government has entire cities hidden in the Norwegian mountains. You see, Earth is on a collision course with this other planet, and this is where they're going to send all the rich people when it kicks off.
->'''Rory:''' Amazing.
->'''Howie:''' It's all there on the internet.
->'''Rory:''' No, it's amazing you've come up with a theory even more insane than what's actually happening.

->'''Ivanov''': You see? Yours is not the only life Agent Coulson has so easily tossed aside or hidden behind. This is what he does. Everything is his S.H.I.E.L.D.. The Government, behind you, Director, behind Nick Fury, Stark, all of it stands Agent Coulson, [[InsaneTrollLogic quietly pursuing his alien agenda]].\\
'''Mace''': [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Conspiracy theories.]] From the man who ''literally mounted a conspiracy'' to have men in masks [[FinalSolution kill Inhumans]].\\

->''That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me: Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia... I look in the mail, and '''THIS WHOLE BOX IS PEPE SILVIA!''' So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! ''There is no Pepe Silvia.'' The man does not exist, OK? So I decide, "Ohhhhhh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me, I got BOXES full of Pepe!" Alright, so I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "CAAAAROL!!! CAAAAROL!!! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door what do I find? ''There's not a single goddamn desk in that office!'' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis There is. No. Carol in HR.]] Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.''

->''I'm like a chimpanzee, in a tree, jumping up and down, warning other chimpanzees when I see a big cat coming through the woods… ''I'm'' the weirdo? Because I'm sitting in a tree going [[IResembleThatRemark OOH OOH OOH AAH AAH AAH]]''

->'''Toby''': It's just a matter of digging a little deeper, it's a matter of getting underneath what's up in there.\\

->'''Chorus''': '''''[[VoiceOfTheLegion THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS. FOCUS. EXPAND YOUR THINKING. HOW DO YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD? TRIANGLE HAS THREE SIDES. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOLLOW THE CRUMBS.]]'''''
->'''Toby''': Let's get to work!
->'''Thread Chorus #1''': ''HUMANS ARE VERY BAD AT UNDERSTANDING RANDOMNESS WE BELIEVE X HAS TO BALANCE OUT Y AND IF IT DOESN'T THEN IT'S NOT “RANDOM ENOUGH.”''
->'''Toby''': Okay, sheep. Critical thinking, much?
->'''Thread Chorus #2'': ''HUMANS COMPULSIVELY COMMIT PATTERN RECOGNITION. IT TAKES ACTUAL EFFORT TO TURN OFF THIS SURVIVAL SKILL. THIS IS WHY CONFIRMATION BIAS IS SUCH A PROBLEM.''
->'''Toby''': Okay, normies, try thinking ''outside'' the box!
->'''Thread Choruses #1+#2''': '''''[[ArmorPiercingQuestion SINCE WHEN IS COMING TO A CONCLUSION WITHOUT A SHRED OF EVIDENCE CONSIDERED THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX?]]'''''
->'''Toby''': Look, I play a lot! Probably more than anyone else in this thread-... [[IgnoredEpiphany Wow...!]] You see this shit?! This is just what they want! We're all sitting here, fronting and flexing, while they're out there, raiding the fucking vaults!
->First, they poisoned the water, then, they poisoned the sky, and now, it's our minds!\\
And you gotta stay vigilant, everyone thinks they're ''so'' top-tier, no one sees the fragmentation in themselves.\\
But that's the scam, that's the plan, that's the game, that's how they're fucking us!\\
Click-click-click on your credit card as you cream your pants and your cranium cracks...\\
[...]\\
Can you feel it?! We're getting stupider! Because our brains are learning like [[MotorMouth "Ohthat'swhatIwantlet'sdoitagainanddoitagainand"-]] Mental obesity, neuroplasticity, this shit is ''real!'' If you're too lazy to educate yourself, that's on you!\\
The monks are lighting the flares, but tell me where have all the punk kids gone?
->'''Chorus''': '''''THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS. FOCUS. BE A VIRUS OF CONFIDENCE. BELIEVE IN YOUR BONES THAT WE'RE RIDING THE GREATEST TIMELINE IN EXISTENCE. WHAT IS THE COMMON DENOMINATOR? WHO CONTROLS THE NARRATIVE? HOW DO YOU CAPTURE A DANGEROUS ANIMAL? WHO IS ASLEEP?'''''
->'''Toby''': No, I'm awake. I'm awake... Fucking addicts, please...
->'''Thread Chorus #1''': ''ADDICTION IS A PHYSICAL AND MENTAL DEPENDENCY ON A PARTICULAR SUBSTANCE AND THE INABILITY TO STOP USING WITHOUT ADVERSE EFFECTS.''
->'''Toby''': Yeah, you need a substance! [[https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Kappa Kappa, Kappa, Kappa...]]
->'''Thread Chorus #2''': ''DIAGNOSIS CAN BE DIFFICULT DUE TO COMORBIDITY.''
->'''Toby''': Click-click.
->'''Thread Chorus #1''': ''COMORBIDITY IS THE EXISTENCE OF ADDITIONAL DISEASES AND DISORDERS CO-EXISTING WITH THE PRIMARY.''
->'''Toby''': Okay, so what's the primary?
->'''Thread Chorus #2''': ''ADDICTION, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, IMPULSE CONTROL, ATTENTION DEFICIENCY, MORAL DEFICIENCY, SCHIZOPHRENIA, DYSMORPHIA, DISSOCIATION.''
->'''Toby''': All sound good to me!
->'''Thread Chorus #1''': ''YOU DO NOT TURN IT ON AND OFF, THERE IS NO CURE. SHATTER THE BINARY, CAUSE AND EFFECT IS A BINARY, THEREFORE CAUSE AND EFFECT IS A MYTH.''
-->-- "Actually", from '''''Theatre/{{Octet}}'''''

->''My whole life I’ve been trying to make sense of this world - all the parts of it that never added up. When I was 10, I discovered Chas. Fort - his catalogs of strange facts. The incidents that science refused to acknowledge - "the damned." Fish that fell from the sky. Lights that dart through the night. People now vanish, never to be seen again. I would lay awake under the covers, with a flashlight - convinced I could see the pattern of it all. I was chasing the Mystery - an even bigger, grander mystery than the pulp novels that were my previous passion. The dots could all be connected - Order would be brought from Chaos, and the innocent would be saved. [[HeroicWannabe And it would be my doing]]... the mind triumphing over all this mayhem - all this random meaningless mess that is this world.''

-->--''WebOriginal/LoomingGaia'', "The Shadow Sector"

->''Toby''': No, I'm awake. I'm awake... Fucking addicts, please...

->''Lovely woman, [[UsefulNotes/HMTheQueen the Queen.]] For an [[ReptilianConspiracy ancient lizard posing as a human]], anyway. But I tell you, she knows the score. It's the government that didn't want anyone to know about [[AncientConspiracy Dee's prophecy]], not Her Maj. I hope they get her away to India or something. Their climate's better for reptiles, anyway.''