History Quotes / CalvinAndHobbes

-->'''Calvin''': "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! This has been a test of the Emergency Calvin System. In a real emergency, expect a lot more screaming and yelling..."

->'''Calvin''': Somewhere in [[SovietRussiaUkraineAndSoOn communist]] UsefulNotes/{{Russia}} I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about [[UsefulNotes/TheUnitedStates America]], and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy... And tell him the awful '''TRUTH''' about this place!!\\

->'''Calvin''': I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good, that's what I say! MightMakesRight! [[WrittenByTheWinners The winners write the history books!]] It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, so I'll do whatever I have to and let others argue about whether it's 'right' or not.\\
''Hobbes trips him into the mud.''\\
'''Calvin''': WAUGH! (Beat) What'd you do ''that'' for?\\

-->--Calvin deciding if he will ride his sledge down the hill or not.

'''Calvin:''' I'm only civil because I don't know any swear words.

->'''Calvin:''' You're stalling!

'''Hobbes''': Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings.
'''Calvin''': Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! ''(calling out))'' Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because people polluted our own planet so much [[ExplainExplainOhCrap that... uh... what I mean is... um...]] ''(talking to Hobbes again)'' So what are you saying? That our reputation preceded us?

->(regarding Martians being afraid of Earthlings) ''"Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't housebroken?"''
-->--Hobbes

->'''Calvin''': ''(inner monologue)'' Come on, you are gonna dodge all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop just before you reach the cliff. You won't fall on the lake. Besides, the ice must be really thick. Go on.\\
'''Calvin''': ''(outer monologue [[BreakingTheFourthWall to the reader]]): My brain is trying to kill me.

->'''Calvin:''' So you would be against censorship and suppression against ideas you would find distasteful?

'''(Monsters):''' "Nope!" "No!" "Uh-uh."\\

->''"I love [[SaturdayMorningCartoon Saturday morning cartoons]]. What classic humor! '''This''' is what entertainment is all about. ...Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils."''

->'''Calvin''': I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
->'''Mom''': I figured you lost your mind years ago.

''[beat]''\\

'''Hobbes''': Tiger food. (''Hobbes grins, which freaks out Calvin'')

'''Calvin:''' Almost anything would be. [...] And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to "Monstrous Killer Death Lizard."

'''Hobbes:''' ''[Taking off the clothes]'' See? I '''told''' you it wouldn't work!\\
'''Calvin:''' Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!

-->'''"This is a big, fat waste of my time!!"'''

->''"I love [[SaturdayMorningCartoon saturday morning cartoons]]. What classic humor! '''This''' is what entertainment is all about. ...Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils."''

->'''Calvin''': Bad news, mom. I promised my soul to the Devil this afternoon.\\

'''Hobbes''': ''[Buried, face first, down to waist in snow.]'' I choose crazy.

'''Dad:''' Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
-->-- Calvin and his Dad, 7 April 1986

'''Calvin:''' Hello?\\
'''(caller):''' May I speak with your father, please?\\
'''Calvin:''' Heck, you don't need '''my''' permission! Be my guest!\\
'''Calvin:''' ''[Hangs up, rolling eyes]'' What a weirdo.
-->-- Calvin, 25 July 1987

->''"There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want."''
-->-- Calvin, 28 August 1988

-->-- Calvin

->'''Calvin:''' Any monsters under my bed tonight?!\\
'''(monsters):''' "Nope!" "No!" "Uh-uh."\\
'''Calvin:''' Well, there'd better not be! I'd hate to have to '''torch''' one with my flame thrower!\\
'''Hobbes:''' You have a flame thrower??\\
'''Calvin:''' ''[Going to sleep]'' They lie. I lie.
-->-- Calvin and the monsters, 25 November 1985

->'''Hobbes:''' How come we play war and not peace?\\
'''Calvin:''' Too few role models.
-->-- Calvin and Hobbes, 23 March 1986

->'''Calvin:''' Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?\\

'''Calvin:''' ''[Walking away]'' I think grown-ups just '''act''' like they know what they're doing.
-->-- Calvin and his Dad, 18 February 1991

-->-- Calvin, 10 May 1986

->'''Calvin:''' Here's a movie we should watch.\\
'''Hobbes:''' Who's in it?\\
'''Calvin:''' It says, [[{{Kaiju}} "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy."]] ...Doesn't that sound great?\\
'''Hobbes:''' And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
-->-- Calvin and Hobbes, 14 May 1986

-->-- Calvin, 19 July 1987

-->-- Hobbes, 30 December 1990

-->-- Calvin

-->-- Calvin, 30 January 1986

-->-- Calvin, 14 March 1986

-->-- Calvin, 17 April 1986

->'''Calvin:''' What's it like to fall in love?\\
'''Hobbes:''' Well, say the object of your affection walks by...\\
'''Calvin:''' Yeah?\\
'''Hobbes:''' First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.\\
'''Calvin:''' '''That's''' love?\\
'''Hobbes:''' Medically speaking.\\
'''Calvin:''' Heck, that happened to '''me''' once, but I figured it was cooties!!
-->-- Calvin and Hobbes, 16 February 1986

-> ''"What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?"''
-->-- Hobbes, 30 September 1986

->'''Calvin:''' Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil?\\
'''Hobbes:''' Watch out for those trees.\\
'''Calvin:''' I mean, do you believe people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies?\\
'''Hobbes:''' There's a rock up ahead! Look out!\\
'''Calvin:''' Or, as a third possibility, do you think people are just crazy, and who knows why they do anything?\\
'''Hobbes:''' Not so close to the ledge!\\
'''Calvin:''' Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad, or crazy?\\
'''Hobbes:''' '''Aughhh! I can't look!'''\\

'''Calvin:''' ''[Buried up to face in snow]'' You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence.\\
'''Hobbes:''' ''[Buried, face first, down to waist in snow.]'' I choose crazy.
-->-- Calvin and Hobbes, 11 Janurary 1987

->'''Calvin:''' Dad, how do people make babies?\\
'''Dad:''' Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.\\
'''Calvin:''' I came from '''Sears??'''\\
'''Dad:''' No, '''you''' were a blue light special at K-Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.\\
'''Calvin:''' '''AAUUGHHH!'''\\
'''Mom:''' *Across the house* '''''Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!'''''
-->-- Calvin and his Dad, 18 April 1987

->''"I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone '''else''' was dead."''
-->-- Calvin, 21 March 1989

->'''Calvin:''' Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?\\
'''Hobbes:''' I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.\\

'''Calvin:''' I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.
-->-- Calvin and Hobbes, 19 April 1992

->'''Calvin:''' I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.\\
'''Hobbes:''' What's misunderstood about you?\\
'''Calvin:''' ''[Wearing his clothes upside-down]'' Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
-->-- Calvin and Hobbes, 7 September 1993

-->-- Calvin and the world around him, in a nutshell

->'''Calvin:''' I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
->'''Mom:''' I figured you lost your mind years ago.
-->-- Calvin and his mom

-->-- Calvin

-->-- Calvin

-->-- Calvin

->''"Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"''
-->-- Calvin

-->-- Calvin

->'''Calvin:''' Trick or treat!\\
'''Adult:''' Where’s your costume? What are you supposed to be?\\
'''Calvin:''' I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak.\\
'''Calvin:''''' ''[Walking away, bag overflowing with candy]'' Am I scary, or what?
-->-- Calvin

->'''Calvin:''' ''(inner monologue)'' Come on, you are gonna dodge all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop just before you reach the cliff. You won't fall on the lake. Besides, the ice must be really thick. Go on.\\
'''Calvin:''' ''(outer monologue [[BreakingTheFourthWall to the reader]]): My brain is trying to kill me.
-->-- Calvin deciding if he will ride his sledge down the hill or not.

->''"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help."''
-->-- Calvin

->'''Hobbes:''' Do you think there's a God?\\

'''Calvin:''' Well, '''some'''body's out to get me.
-->-- Hobbes and Calvin, 6 May 1986

->'''Calvin:''' Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?.\\
'''Hobbes:''' I'm not sure that man needs the help.
-->-- Calvin and Hobbes

->'''Calvin:''' Bad news, Mom. I promised my soul to the Devil this afternoon.\\
'''Mom:''' Oh? That recently?
-->-- Calvin and his mom

->'''Calvin:''' I wonder why man was put on Earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here?\\
'''Hobbes:''' Tiger food. (''Hobbes grins, which freaks out Calvin'')

-->--- Hobbes, 26 March 1987

->'''Calvin:''' I’ve been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang". [...] Isn’t it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can’t come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang?" That’s the whole problem with science. You’ve got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.\\

'''Calvin:''' The Horrendous Space Kablooie!\\
'''Hobbes''': Hmm… that is better.\\
'''Calvin:''' Almost anything would be. [...] And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to "Monstrous Killer Death Lizard".

-->--- Calvin

->'''Mom:''' Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up??\\
'''Calvin:''' I'm coming.\\

-->-- Calvin and Hobbes, 23 January 1986

->'''Calvin:''' Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow?\\
'''Susie:''' Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason?\\
'''Calvin:''' Why else would I call you?\\
'''Susie:''' [[ShipTease Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice.]]\\
'''Calvin:''' '''''What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment!'''''\\
'''Susie:''' First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice.\\
'''Calvin:''' '''''THIS IS BLACKMAIL!'''''
-->-- Calvin and Susie, 9 December 1986