History Quotes / AwfulWeddedLife

-->-- ''LetsPlay/TheFunniestMinecraftVideosEver'', "[[https://youtu.be/KbhtubTmWaw Escaping Minecraft's Funniest Prison]]"

->'''Wilbur''': I'm gonna give it a witches heart. That's what my ex wife had. (...)\\
'''Tommy''': I don't think I'd ever marry a witch.\\
'''Wilbur''': That's what I said, too, Tommy, but here we are. You never know where you end up.
-->-- ''LetsPlay/TheFunniestMinecraftVideosEver'', "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wvzFOcwI40 Minecraft’s Surgery Mod is actually funny…]]"

-->--'''Claudette''', ''Film/TheRoom''

-->--'''Claudette''', ''Film/TheRoom''

'''Mrs. Czerwicki:''' Mister Czerwicki? Fankly, Nate, I don't think Mister Czerwicki cares very much what I read. Mister Czerwicki is too busy watching his precious [[SuddenlyShouting FOOTBALL GAMES!]]\\

->''"I should of known it was a mistake when she said 'I suppose' instead of 'I do'."''

-->--''Literature/TheBible'', "Proverbs 21:19"

->love my terrible wife who wants to kill me so so bad\\
i come home from work every day and narrowly dodge one of her many death traps . when we eat dinner ill smile and say “poison again ?” and she will shrug mischievously but we both know it is very much poison

->''Better to live in a desert than with a qurrelsome and nagging wife.''

->She had spent the last six months or so trying to face the bleak prospect of the thirty or even forty loveless years which lay ahead of her as this man's mate, this man who had become by turns angry, coldly sarcastic and unmindful of her. She had become just another piece of furniture as far as Danforth was concerned... unless, of course, she got in his way.

->''Hey, it’s my favorite ''ComicStrip/BeetleBailey'' running gag, The Halftracks Hate Each Other With An Awful Intensity That Makes ''ComicStrip/TheLockhorns'' Look Like A Creator/NicholasSparks Novel! Like many awful things in the comics, I originally “liked” this ironically but have come over the years to respect its terrible purity.''

->"You mustn't be too harsh on my secretaries. They were [[SexySecretary always very understanding]] when I came to the office after a hard day at home."

->"Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries."

->"Lies, deceit, mixed messages. This is turning into a real marriage."

->"You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re gonna start dying just a little bit every day."

->"Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise line?"

->"Oh, marriage is a wonderful institution. Of course, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That is, if you're lucky enough to get a divorce. That becomes impossible when your wife's got incriminating photos of you simply having coffee with a young dancer because she was a great listener. Now, your life is just one series of endless humiliations. You lie awake and dream of the sweet release a murder-suicide could bring. But it's good, though! Really good."

->"Do you have any idea what you're giving up? Do you have any idea, an inkling? Everything! Different women every night, running around like a maniac, partying, nakedness, GONE! I miss that so much, Ricky!"

->"You want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!"

->"Let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life, real smart."

-->--'''''Literature/TheBible''''', ''Proverbs 21:19''

->''Alys Karstark leaned close to Jon. "Snow during a wedding means a cold marriage. My lady mother always said so." He glanced at Queen Selyse. There must have been a blizzard the day she and Stannis wed.''

->''She had spent the last six months or so trying to face the bleak prospect of the thirty or even forty loveless years which lay ahead of her as this man's mate, this man who had become by turns angry, coldly sarcastic and unmindful of her. She had become just another piece of furniture as far as Danforth was concerned... unless, of course, she got in his way.''

->"Let's see what Control has given us in their [[UndercoverAsLovers Newlywed kit:]] Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. And brass knuckles. This must be the Commando kit. Ah, this is the Newlywed kit: Toothpaste. Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. Brass knuckles."

->"In my experience, I have known of five cases of women murdered by their devoted husbands. And twenty-two husbands murdered by their devoted wives. So thank you, non. The marriage, it is not for me."
-->--'''''{{Series/Poirot}}'''''

->"These are my three wives: [[HorsemenOfTheApocalypse Pestilence, Famine, and Death.]] Do you think I married them for their ''personalities?'' Their personalities could shatter entire planets! Arranged marriages, every one. But they worked out; they inspired me. Knowing that they were waiting at home for me is what keeps me here--''75 light-years away!''"

->"Every married couple alive pretends. They pretend they don't hate their in-laws or their husband's stupid jokes or their wife's laugh or that they don't actually love one of their children more than the others. Marriage is, well, it's almost all pretend. For everyone. That's the reality. That's what's real. Buying into the delusion that there's any other way to live together, to get through an entire life together, that's--well that's the fantasy. That's pretending."

->"She began to know me too well, and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it."

-->-- "It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long", The Notorious Cherry Bombs

-->-- "On Reflection of Marriage," the Merry Wives of Windsor

-->-- "The Slothful Man," the Merry Wives of Windsor

-->-- "I Live to Give My Husband Grief," the Merry Wives of Windsor

->"You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere."

->"(Argh, I will never understand this woman. She's started to keep more to herself. If it weren't for the children we would have already divorced.)"

->"I love the Olympics, especially the luge! I'm married, so sliding down ''an icy tunnel of doom'' at high speed ''makes sense!''"

->"Marriage is where fun goes to die."

->"''(at a funeral)'' Uh, I forgot to write a speech, so I'm just going to repurpose what I wrote for his wedding. Congratulations, you son of a bitch. Your life is over."

->"My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better! Her aim is getting better! You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible."

->"It was mostly that he wrote a strongly worded letter about how Creator/RoseMcGowan would ruin my life and ruin my career if I stayed with her, which was good advice...he was genuinely just looking out for my best interests."

->"Marriage years are different than human years… Like you know how dog years are like seven years? Every marriage year is like 100 years.”

->Trapped inside, Melania Trump has a look that I’ve never seen before, the eyes of someone waiting with increasing impatience for Stockholm syndrome to set in. The look of a woman frantically trying to unlearn English, appalled to find that this only [[TakeThat makes her understand]] [[[[UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump her husband]] [[TakeThat more clearly]]. Perhaps women trapped in marriages with monsters resort to plastic surgery so that it becomes easier to leave a wax head in their bed while [[GreatEscape they work on their tunnel at night]]. Perhaps the manicures are to hide the endless digging. Perhaps it’s the secret of their figures. They’re not dieting, they’re eating those peanut butter and fried egg sandwiches Michael Phelps used to train on and spending their nights burrowing like a fucking gopher.