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Quotes / Awful Wedded Life

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She used to call me baby
I thought she was such a lady
But my how things have changed
Since times moved on
I give her my last dollar
And now all she'll do is holler
Oh, my life has become
A country song!
— "It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long", The Notorious Cherry Bombs

You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re gonna start dying just a little bit every day.
Phil Wenneck, The Hangover

Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Wayne Campbell, Wayne's World

James: You can't let being married keep you from being you! It's like Tom. Always telling me I spend too much time at the gym.
Barney: Exactly. Is it so wrong if you want to work out a couple times a week?
James: Right? Or a couple time a day.
Barney: Or a couple time...a couple times a day? Really?
James: Eh, a few hours before work. A few hours after. Only way to keep up the chocolate xylophone.
Barney: Still, that's a lot of time at the gym, especially with two kids.
James: It's like I always said to Tom: "I've got to stay in shape in case I'm ever single again!" And hello? I was right!

Claire Underwood: I can't believe we've become this.
Frank Underwood: Become what?
Claire: Like everyone else.

Larry: You're married! Say something, kid!
Shemp: HELP! HELP!
The Three Stooges, "Brideless Groom"

These are my three wives: Pestilence, Famine, and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter entire planets! Arranged marriages. Every one. But they worked out, they inspired me. Knowing that they were waiting at home for me is what keeps me here—75 light-years away!
Londo, Babylon 5

Mellie: Every married couple alive pretends. They pretend they don't hate their in-laws or their husband's stupid jokes or their wife's laugh or that they don't actually love one of their children more than the others. Marriage is, well, it's almost all pretend. For everyone. That's the reality. That's what's real. Buying into the delusion that there's any other way to live together, to get through an entire life together, that's, well that's the fantasy. That's pretending.
Fitz: Did I do this to you? Or have you always been like this? Because if it was me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Martok: (airlock opens) My Lady.
Sirella: You've put on weight and your hair is going grey.
Martok: My deterioration is proceeding apace.
Sirella:: I thought you would be in your grave by now.
Martok:: I shall endeavor to die this year, if possible.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "You Are Cordially Invited"

"Marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and suffering."
Chester Wooley, The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap

I love the Olympics, especially the luge. I'm married, so sliding down an icy tunnel of doom at high speed makes sense.
The Tight End Zone, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Oh, marriage is a wonderful institution. Of course, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That is, if you're lucky enough to get a divorce. That becomes impossible when your wife's got incriminating photos of you simply having coffee with a young dancer because she was a great listener. Now, your life is just one series of endless humiliations. You lie awake and dream of the sweet release a murder-suicide could bring. But it's good, though! Really good.
Bill Engvall, Delta Farce

Do you have any idea what you're giving up? Do you have any idea, an inkling? Everything! Different women every night, running around like a maniac, partying, nakedness, GONE! I miss that so much, Ricky!
Stan Gassko, Bachelor Party

You want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!

Let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life, real smart. [...] *cough*don't do it!*cough*
Beanie, Old School

"Have you ever been liberated?"
"I've been divorced twice, does that count?"

Dolores: Where has the magic gone?
Baxter: If you want magic, I'll take you home and saw you in half!

Jerry: Beth? Do you still love me?
Beth: Ugh, what kind of question is that?
Jerry: The "yes or no" kind.
Beth: Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?
Jerry: Yes...
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Jerry: No...
Beth: Then what good was the "yes"?
Jerry: Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: Then I obviously sort of love you, don’t I? So stop asking, and maybe I’ll love you more.
Rick and Morty, "Rick Potion No. 9"

Alys Karstark leaned close to Jon. "Snow during a wedding means a cold marriage. My lady mother always said so." He glanced at Queen Selyse. There must have been a blizzard the day she and Stannis wed.

A woman's place is in the home,
A woman's place is in the house.
And home is where you hang your hat,
And that is where you hang your spouse.
John and June, Anyone Can Whistle, "Simple" (part 3)

Maxwell Smart: Let's see what Control has given us in their Newlywed kit. [opens suitcase and takes out each item one at a time] Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. And brass knuckles. This must be the Commando kit. [opens another suitcase] Ah, this is the Newlywed kit. [takes out each item] Toothpaste. Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. Brass knuckles.

She had spent the last six months or so trying to face the bleak prospect of the thirty or even forty loveless years which lay ahead of her as this man's mate, this man who had become by turns angry, coldly sarcastic and unmindful of her. She had become just another piece of furniture as far as Danforth was concerned... unless, of course, she got in his way.

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?!
Madame Thernadier, Les Misérables

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better! (Beat) Her aim is getting better! You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible.
Stan Pines, Gravity Falls

Terrorist: Tell me, sir, how does it feel to know that every secret in your head will soon be utilized by your hated opposition? That your mind and body will be subjected to such intense torture that every second will feel like and hour and every minute like a full calendar year?
Nick Fury: Buddy, I think you have just described two of my three last marriages.

Real Life

Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't they'd be married, too.

I personally feel that we live far too long to be monogamous. It was a nice notion when you might not make it to the age of 14, so you’d better impregnate someone by 13, before a rock was dropped on your head. These days, the biggest thing keeping marriages together is the vibrator.

You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.

It was funny, because I ran into Billy, and a lot of people think there was some kind of falling out. It was mostly that he wrote a strongly worded letter about how Rose McGowan would ruin my life and ruin my career if I stayed with her, which was good advice...he was genuinely just looking out for my best interests.

Hey, it’s my favorite Beetle Bailey running gag, The Halftracks Hate Each Other With An Awful Intensity That Makes The Lockhorns Look Like A Nicholas Sparks Novel! Like many awful things in the comics, I originally “liked” this ironically but have come over the years to respect its terrible purity.

Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera.
Michael K., "Jon has written his memoirs (280 pages of nothing but 'DIE KATE DIE KATE')"


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