History Main / IKEAErotica

[[folder:Video Games]]
* Pretty much ''every'' HGame translated into English is going to have sex of this kind. Part of it is just the difficulty in translating from Japanese to English (and often, they won't even make an effort, just [[BlindIdiotTranslation translating by machine]] -- it might make it ''[[GoodBadTranslation funnier]]'', but not necessarily erotic). Other times it's because there are different writers for the sex scenes and the non-sex scenes. And still other times, it's because the sex is [[ExecutiveMeddling shoehorned in]] because that's what [[SexSells sells games]] -- the writers want to focus on the story and don't care about the sex scenes, and the game itself could be totally enjoyable and comprehensible with the sex scenes deleted entirely. Even when the translation is good, it's often too clinical, and marred with [[UnsoundEffect strange sound effects]].
[[/folder]]

But as always, TropesAreTools, and IKEA Erotica has its merits. It can be a {{parody}} of [[StylisticSuck bad writing]]. It can be a way of GettingCrapPastTheRadar. It can be an interesting insight into the psyche of a character who [[TheSpock isn't good with emotions]] or [[SexIsEvil doesn't like sex]]. It can be a way to denote that the character [[LieBackAndThinkOfEngland isn't ''enjoying'' the sex,]] or a possible [[{{Asexuality}} clue]] to divulge the identity or perspective of a narrator. But the rest of the story shouldn't be written that way.

But as always, TropesAreTools, and IKEA Erotica has its merits. It can be a {{parody}} of [[StylisticSuck bad writing]]. It can be a way of GettingCrapPastTheRadar. It can be an interesting insight into the psyche of a character who [[TheSpock isn't good with emotions]] or [[SexIsEvil doesn't like sex]]. It can be a way to denote that the character isn't ''enjoying'' the sex. But the rest of the story shouldn't be written that way.

Named after the [[UsefulNotes/{{Sweden}} Swedish]] big-box store, IKEA Erotica describes the tendency of badly written sex scenes to be nothing more than "insert tab A into slot B" ''ad nauseam'', as though the readers actually didn't know what goes where. The result is that the participants might as well be doing nothing more interesting than assembling a flat-pack wardrobe, the kind of affordable, Swedish, some-assembly-required furniture [=IKEA=] is known for.

The point of erotica is to make the reader feel something of what the characters do, which in most cases should be arousal rather than boredom. It's often a sign that the writer didn't want to have a sex scene here but [[ExecutiveMeddling got overruled]] or that the writer is sexually inexperienced and writing with the aid of a biology textbook. A lot of FanFiction written by [[MostFanficWritersAreGirls 14-year-old girls]] falls under the latter category — [[ArtisticLicenseBiology often minus the biology textbook]] — making it less of a case of [[AnatomicallyImpossibleSex You Fail Sex Ed]] and more a case of [[IgnorantOfTheirOwnIgnorance You Haven't Even Taken the Course Yet]]. Examples are too numerous to list and too forgettable to remember in any case.

However, it [[Administrivia/TropesAreTools can be used properly]]. IKEA Erotica has its merits as a tool of parody or simply as a means to [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar fool the censors]]. If used from the POV of a [[TheSpock certain type of character]], it can be an interesting insight into their psyche — provided, of course, that the rest of the writing is enough to make this StylisticSuck apparent. It can also be used if the character simply thinks that the sex sucks ([[{{Pun}} and not in a fun way]]).

An extremely common feature of PornWithoutPlot. An example of IKEA Erotica is the line, "He pressed his hard sex against her soft sex, and they had sex". A frequently usable antidote: lead up to the act, then pull a SexyDiscretionShot at the end of the chapter, coming back in during the next chapter when it's all over. It works in cinema, and it can work for you, too! Another variant is LewdLustChasteSex, when all the events leading up to it are described in lascivious detail but the deed itself is elided.

The extreme of IKEA Erotica is "verbing the noun", in which the scene is given mostly or entirely in subject-verb-object sentences in which the keywords could be replaced by anything and you'd have difficulty noticing.

Extra bonus points for TheBodyPartsThatMustNotBeNamed.

* The notorious (and now, notoriously hard to find) Badfic "Celebrian" was filthy. But as said by one who got all the way through it...

* ''FanFic/MyImmortal''. The quote provider for this page from the story reads "Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."
** This gets extra confusing later on as it drifts into AnatomicallyImpossibleSex territory as "He put his boys thingie in mine" as the author begins to go slowly insane.
* Done deliberately by Lamont Cranston in the WesternAnimation/TeenTitans fic ''[[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8358093/1/Love-in-Shades-of-Green-and-Gray Love in Shades of Green and Gray]].'' Raven's first time (described in a [[http://comics.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600061031 separate posting]] on adult-fanfiction.org) is with Aqualad, with him having few feelings for her, and her deliberately suppressing all emotion so as not to blast him with her powers. It is a creepily clinical piece. A later time with Beast Boy (whom she does love) is a definite aversion.

* In the Hispanic world, we have the infamous writer Perla Shumajer. Mostly focused on ''Franchise/HarryPotter'' fanfics, her descriptions of sex are bizarre. In one of her fanfics, Severus Snape took out "his" penis outside of Harry´s pants (without magic). Another bizarre fanfic is one about ''Franchise/SuperMarioBros'', named "Married in Marriage". Not so rich in sex descriptions, but clear in her intentions.

%%* ''Film/TheRoom''. The roses and cheesy [=R&B=] do not help.

* The [[RRatedOpening very first scene]] of ''Film/BeforeTheDevilKnowsYoureDead'' is an achingly passionless sex scene between Andy and his wife. [[Administrivia/TropesAreTools Used effectively]] in that it's meant to demonstrate the casual emptiness of Andy's life.
* In ''Film/VanWilder'', Richard, the JerkAss premed love rival to the titular character, uses anatomical terms to describe what he's doing during sex with Gwen.
* Film screenplays often veer into this, as they are meant to declare the on-camera shots, not describe them. For instance, in [[http://cinemascopian.com/pics/2008oscars/Atonement_Script.pdf the script for]] ''{{Literature/Atonement}}'', the sex scene (on page 33) may sound rather BeigeProse-like. However, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izs4_0X7UlY the actual scene itself]] is generally recognized as one of the best filmed.

* The ''Literature/EarthsChildren'' series (with the exception of the first book) has pages and pages of this stuff (the sex scenes average at least six pages each) largely devoted to the fact that Ayla and Jondalar have genitals of a complementary size, and are in fact, the only people with genitals of such a size. Also, they sometimes like to watch horses do it, or mammoths.
* Laurell K. Hamilton, whose last few ''Literature/AnitaBlake'' books have devolved into exactly this sort of porn. And when Ms. Hamilton isn't utilizing this trope, she typically just has some weird mystic happening to affect all the characters so they wake up hours (or days) later having had insanely hot orgies that they don't even remember. This really saves her from having to find new words to describe obscenely large werewolf-genitalia (which then get inserted into slot B).

* PlayedForLaughs in ''Creator/DaveBarry In Cyberspace'', with a "cybersex" session including the ridiculous line: "I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!"
** And then it turns out that the guy is Al Gore. No, really.
*** It gets better. The woman he's doing it with? Tipper Gore. ''And neither of them knew at first.''
--->'''[=HunniBunni=]:''' It feels like when you ''break a tie vote in the Senate''?
--->'''[=Born2Bone=]:''' Umm, listen, what I meant was...
--->'''[=HunniBunni=]:''' This is ''you'', isn't it, Al? ''ISN'T IT''?? YOU ''BASTARD''!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
--->'''[=Born2Bone=]:''' ''Tipper''?
--->'''[=HunniBunni=]:''' Whoops.
* The sex scenes in Creator/GregEgan's novels are so frighteningly banal and usually misjudged from the characters' perspective that he's clearly subverting the whole idea of the things. Yes, people bump naughty bits together from time to time. They also urinate, get cramps, digest food, and flake off skin; there's no tradition of putting scenes specifically depicting ''those'' activities into novels.
* The sex scenes in Creator/TomClancy's ''Literature/JackRyan'' series are nowhere near as well-written as the explanations of technical details of the hardware that puts the "techno" in "technothriller", with awkward word choices and phrasing taking any hint of eroticism out of the scenes.
* Creator/JohnVarley's novel ''Mammoth'' contained an IKEA Erotica scene cringe-inducingly unerotic. "His stiffness into her wetness" or something like that.
* ''Literature/HowNOTToWriteANovel'' points out in a section entitled "Assembly Instructions: Wherein the sex is drained of sex" that this is the likely result of a writer being uncomfortable with the scene; "The result will be something that reads like a medical brochure about erectile dysfunction. What's more, it will read as more perverse than a straightforward 'They fucked all night', and in a disturbing Norman Bates-y way."

* A rare example of IKEA erotica being used on purpose, for a reason: in Creator/GregBear's novel ''Slant'', a couple of sex scenes are described with clinical precision, but it's clear that there's not meant to be any sort of romance or passion. In the first scene, a call girl has sex with a client: she doesn't enjoy it, of course, and he's only doing it to infect her. In the second scene, a man is jumped by his very horny wife and doesn't really get a chance to enjoy himself either. The obsessively detailed style is repeated throughout the novel to create the feeling of being bombarded by information.
* Used in ''Literature/TheHandmaidsTale'', in order to emphasise the fact that The Ceremony (ritual sex involving a Handmaid), for Offred, is now nothing more than a duty. She even refers to the act as "fucking", as no other word describes what is happening to her. This language, and much of the rest of the book, often leads to controversies over its use in high school literature classes.
* ''Kramer's War'' by Creator/DerekRobinson mentions IKEA erotica but doesn't indulge in it. One character actually thinks the words "Insert Tab A into Slot B" ironically; luckily, we are spared the sex scene. Other novels by Robinson prove immune to IKEA erotica.
* ''Literature/TheSubjectSteve'' has this. And IKEA {{gorn}}. And IKEA social interaction. And IKEA human life. All deliberate, mind you.
* Done for comedic effect in one of Creator/MichaelMoorcock's "Dancers at the End of Time" novels. The characters are often described as "making love" in a nonspecific manner, but when they actually decide to do it for real (in order to conceive a baby — Jherek Carnelian, the central character) they have some difficulty working out "what goes into where, and so on."

* ''Literature/FiftyShadesOfGrey'':
** The words inner goddess and subconscious are used as metaphors for vagina and erection or enormous length for penis. E.g. the IG doing a salsa merengue (used to describe an oral sex scene), or the inner goddess jumping up and down like a cheerleader waving pom-poms (and it gets worse than that, even).
** This trope is also played to the hilt in a scene where period sex occurs. "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string what?! and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all Jeez. And then he's inside me."
* Michael Grant's ''Literature/{{Gone}}''. "She sighed as he entered her."

* Used deliberately in ''Creator/JohnGreen'''s ''Literature/LookingForAlaska'' when Pudge receives oral sex from Lara in order to demonstrate their lack of an emotional connection.

-->'''Learner:''' I read modern writers, and it's "screw this", "he licked her", "she sucked that", "he bit the other", you know, "someone put it there", "he held it", I mean, where's the sensuality?
-->'''Marenghi:''' Where's "he glided in liquid smooth"? Where's "her wispy mound"?
* ''Series/NightCourt'' parodied this once. Mac was discussing assembling a train set, saying "Insert tab A into slot B. Who can't do that?" and Dan (the in-house pervert) just gave him a look and said, "You'd be surprised."

* ''[[Series/ThatMitchellAndWebbLook The Mitchell and Webb Situation]]'' has a series of sketches where they play two guys who are [[ItWillNeverCatchOn in the process of inventing something we're all familiar with, discussed in a way that makes it sound really stupid]]. In one, the thing they're inventing is apparently the human body, and Webb is trying to convince Mitchell that where one kind has "a bit that goes out," the other should have "a bit that goes in."
-->'''Mitchell:''' What, to help stacking?\\

'''Mitchell:''' I'm not sure it would, actually. I'm not sure it would go in that easily. I think you'd have to sort of work it in because it's got no purchase because it's floppy.\\
'''Webb:''' No it wouldn't, because the thing that sticks out, that could change shape. It would go sort of rigid.\\
'''Mitchell:''' What, when you need to stack them?...
** In ''That Mitchell and Webb Look'', a man who writes porno movies states that he gets the basic outline, which is about a man and a woman meeting, with large blank spaces in between "they have sex" written several times over, with his job being to fill in the blanks.
* In the ''Series/DharmaAndGreg'' episode "The Story of K", Kitty turns out to have been writing some pretty steamy, RomanceNovel style erotica- However, in one of her stories, read aloud by Dharma, the sex is simply described as "They kissed. They kissed a second time. It was time for sex. She knew what he wanted, he knew what she wanted, so the sex was pretty good."
* ''Series/LastWeekTonightWithJohnOliver'' plays a clip of New Zealand Prime Minister Bill English narrating [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-5ZXXs3hV8 the world's saddest exercise video]]. Oliver then jokes that he wants to see English make a sex tape, speculating that he would provide narration that would be a hilarious example of this trope.
* ''Series/ResidentAlien'': {{Discussed}}. When he shares a cup of coffee with her in the morning, Harry describes everything he and his wife are going to do in the sack in meticulous, mechanical detail with a deadpan tone, gradually boring her. [[spoiler:Then the sedative kicks in and Isabelle crashes to the floor.]]

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o "I Just Had Sex"]] by ''Music/TheLonelyIsland'' employs this in combination with HaveIMentionedIAmSexuallyActiveToday. The chorus is "I just had sex/And it felt so good/A woman let me put my penis inside her". Other lines include "It felt so good when I did it with my penis" and "When I had the sex/Man my penis felt great".

* ''TabletopGame/{{FATAL}}'' has formulae for calculating the exact measurements of a character's primary and secondary sex characteristics. Thankfully this part is optional, but it's there.
** Well, theoretically optional, but given the rest of the manual's emphasis on the least arousing sex this side of court-ordered chemical sterilization, you might as well just do it. You're already a sex offender just for agreeing to play the game; just as well hang for a sheep as a lamb.
** And the parts about the act itself have even more numbers. No link because decidedly NSFW, but these rules are examined in detail on page 24 of the troper liveblog.

* Considering the purposes for which they're purchased, it's ''amazing'' just how bad the writing in most English (translated) hentai games is when it comes to sex scenes. In most cases, the writers probably either:
## Have much more interest in writing a story than shoehorning in what the [[ExecutiveMeddling executives]] consider being the selling point of these games. Game requires adult content to sell? Fine, here's a stupid sex scene, now let me get back to the interesting bit. In some of these games, you can cut the sex completely without missing anything in the plot, and probably make it ''better'' — these may get an all-ages console release.
## Know exactly how silly the games for which they're writing are, so why bother making it good? In fact, why not make the sex even dumber than it already is? They may even garner some cheap laughs from [[SoBadItsGood how bad it is]].
## Got some [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghostwriter ghostwriters]] involved somewhere in the process. You can tell from the clear difference in writing between the erotic scenes and the rest of the game.
## Just used a machine translation and didn't bother even trying to hide the fact that a human never touched the translated script. This has become much more common once Steam stopped bothering with quality control and allowed just anything to be placed on the market.
* It can probably be explained mostly with a poor translation job by people who had little to no actual experience, since those games were originally in Japanese.
** Sometimes even when the translation is good, it's often too clinical, and marred with [[UnsoundEffect strange sound effects]].

* [[Franchise/{{Nasuverse}} Kinoko Nasu]], writer of ''VisualNovel/FateStayNight'' and ''VisualNovel/{{Tsukihime}}'' among others, is infamous for his inability to write sex scenes, to the point that making fun of TYPE-MOON's sex scenes is a RunningGag amongst the fans. There's some evidence that the sex was forced into the story in order to make the games sell better, as later stories and remakes of the old games tend to lack any sex scenes at all (to the point that certain plot events had to be [[RetCon RetConned]] into happening a different way).
* ''VisualNovel/DiviDead'' [[UpToEleven takes it to a whole other level]] with such gems as "shove your eggplant up to my ribcage!", and the hero always, always, '''always''' finishes with '''"I'm BLASTING!"'''
** Considering the rest of the game's [[BlindIdiotTranslation bad translation job]] and clear editing (rewriting what is obviously a rape scene by the voice acting to a consensual one), it's hard to say who is at fault — the original writers, or the translators.

* The PornWithoutPlot of certain fixations and fetishes can turn into matherotica, when the author decides that the best way to spark the reader's libido is by rattling off measurements. A blend of IKEA Erotica and a failure to ShowDontTell, it misunderstands the thrill of the impossible which fuels these fantasies as "her breasts had become even bigger and heavier, growing five pounds and a full two inches in diameter in the course of one day, making her a [=62FF=]."[[note]]That example would be particularly funny because the “writer” doesn’t understand how bra sizes are listed, and thus that someone with those measurements would be morbidly obese.[[/note]] Often, LudicrousPrecision ensues, which only intensifies the {{Narm}}.

* The Wiki/SCPFoundation fic (which is no longer on the site due to [[UnPerson complications]] [[SmallNameBigEgo with the author]]) "Union" actually uses this for effect, since it's based on SCP-217, a virus that converts organisms into clockwork, both literally and figuratively.

--> '''Linkara''': "Considering your team's mission statement is only about procreation, you really don't need to know all that much. Insert A into B, repeat as needed."

--> It was like reading an instructional pamphlet for sex out loud. There was nothing romantic about it.

** With Bender: "Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know: Left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor."
--->'''Amy''' (angrily): "I know how to make love!"
** Zoidberg can only think of sex in this manner. Knowing what happens to his species when they have sex, he's probably the better off for it.
* Shows up in the ''WesternAnimation/FamilyGuy'' movie ''Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story''. "Get in there! Get in there and... (while reading from ''The Joy of Sex'') insert your ''pen-is'' into her ''vag-in-a!''"
** The episode "Peterotica" spoofs the whole concept. Peter gets an erotic novel and is disappointed by its writing style because it tries to ''avert'' this trope instead of just getting down to business ("'He rubbed her shoulder sensually.' What the hell is that, that's not sexy! You can't do someone in the shoulder!"), so he decides to [[StartMyOwn write one himself]]. Despite the fact that he writes the same way he talks (that is, rambling disjointed stream-of-consciousness)[[note]]"...and then Captain Leeroy Hot Dog Zanzibar and [[WriteWhoYouKnow Gina from my work]] got in the backseat of his really cool spaceship. Gina was finally wearing that tank top I got her and nothing else. Zanzibar knew he couldn't control his [[RecycledInSpace space horniness]] any longer, and then they totally did it. And if I'd have been there, I would've been like 'Aw, sweet.'"[[/note]], he becomes a best-selling author and is lauded as a genius of erotic literature; even Lois, who usually dismisses Peter's low-brow antics, says that the above passage really painted a picture for her.
* This gem from ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' (which also sounds like it might be a schoolground rhyme):
-->It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation. This sort of penetration increases the population of the younger generation.
** Another ''South Park'' example, showing both the sheer terrifying wonder of Butters' twisted crazy upbringing and perhaps a little TruthInTelevision:
--->You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady, into her vagina. Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tunnel and after it's all done sneezing milk the penis stops being hard and the man loses interest in the lady.

* ''Series/ResidentAlien'': {{Discussed}}. When he shares a cup of coffee with her in the morning, Harry describes everything he and his wife are going to do in the sack in meticulous, mechanical detail with a deadpan tone, gradually boring her. [[spoiler:Then the sedative kicks in and Izabella crashes to the floor.]]

Not to be confused with CargoShip.

[[folder:Anime and Manga]]

* In the Hispanic world, we have the infamous writer Perla Shumajer. Mostly focused on "Harry Potter" fanfics, her descriptions of sex are bizarre. In one of her fanfics, Severus Snape took out "his" penis outside of Harry´s pants (without magic). Another bizarre fanfic is one about Super Mario Brothers, named "Married in Marriage". Not so rich in sex descriptions, but clear in her intentions.

* Micheal Grant's GONE. "She sighed as he entered her." Really?

-->-- '''Ebony darkness dementia raven way''', ''FanFic/MyImmortal''

An extremely common feature of PornWithoutPlot. An example of IKEA Erotica is the line, "He pressed his hard sex against her soft sex, and they had sex". A frequently usable antidote: lead up to the act, then pull a {{discretion shot}} at the end of the chapter, coming back in during the next chapter when it's all over. It works in cinema, and it can work for you, too!

Not to be confused with [[http://www.furnitureporn.com/ furniture]] [[http://www.strangehorizons.com/2006/20060213/copley-woods-f.shtml porn]]. Or [[http://www.cockeyed.com/pranks/ikea_party/ikea01.shtml The IKEA Fancy Dress Dinner Party]]. Also not to be confused with a CargoShip.
Or [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezwhZC4R-eI&feature=related furniture porn]]. Or [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu196vZSe_I even more furniture porn]].

See also FetishRetardant and {{Narm}}, common consequences of IKEA Erotica, and ShowDontTell, which is a related piece of writing advice. Contrast with MillsAndBoonProse.

Named after the [[UsefulNotes/{{Sweden}} Swedish]] big-box store, '''IKEA Erotica''' describes the tendency of badly written sex scenes to be nothing more than "insert tab A into slot B" ''ad nauseam'', as though the readers actually didn't know what goes where. The result is that the participants might as well be doing nothing more interesting than assembling a flat-pack wardrobe, the kind of affordable, Swedish, some-assembly-required furniture [=IKEA=] is known for.

However, it [[Administrivia/TropesAreTools can be used properly]]. IKEA Erotica has its merits as a tool of parody or simply as a means to [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar fool the censors]]. If used from the POV of a [[TheSpock certain type of character]], it can be an interesting insight into their psyche — provided, of course, that the rest of the writing is enough to make this StylisticSuck apparent. It can also be used if the character simply thinks that the sex sucks ([[IncrediblyLamePun and not in a fun way]]).

However, it [[TropesAreNotBad can be used properly]]. IKEA Erotica has its merits as a tool of parody or simply as a means to [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar fool the censors]]. If used from the POV of a [[TheSpock certain type of character]], it can be an interesting insight into their psyche — provided, of course, that the rest of the writing is enough to make this StylisticSuck apparent. It can also be used if the character simply thinks that the sex sucks ([[IncrediblyLamePun and not in a fun way]]).

* The [[RRatedOpening very first scene]] of ''Film/BeforeTheDevilKnowsYoureDead'' is an achingly passionless sex scene between Andy and his wife. [[TropesAreNotBad Used effectively]] in that it's meant to demonstrate the casual emptiness of Andy's life.

* The ''LightNovel/SwordArtOnline'' webnovel had a [[https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BwyW7ZpWYsQBaThmR0Foa2ZfOG8/edit pretty infamous one]]. The phrase "glopping sound" is used, and semen can apparently be measured in years. It's widely believed this was an example of StylisticSuck. One can understand why this scene was left out when it was published.

%%* Used intentionally in ''Anime/SpeedGrapher''. If a sex scene isn't FanDisservice, it's this trope.

* The ''LightNovel/SwordArtOnline'' novel had a [[https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BwyW7ZpWYsQBaThmR0Foa2ZfOG8/edit pretty infamous one]]. The phrase "glopping sound" is used, and semen can apparently be measured in years. It's widely believed this was an example of StylisticSuck.

* ''VisualNovel/DiviDead'' [[UpToEleven takes it to a whole other level]] with such gems as "shove your eggplant up to my ribcage!", and the hero always, always, '''always''' finishes with '''"I'm BLASTING!"'''
** Considering the rest of the game's [[BlindIdiotTranslation bad translation job]] and clear editing (rewriting what is obviously a rape scene by the voice acting to a consensual one), it's hard to say who is at fault — the original writers, or the translators.

* "[[VisualNovel/FateStayNight Please put your...that!]] [[{{Rule34}} Y-your pOnOs!]] [[{{Doujinshi}} To my...my...Here!]] [[{{Narm}} ...My vagOOO!!!]] [[SugarWiki/FunnyMoments And J-J-JAM IT IN!]]" MemeticMutation [[http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/jam-it-in-you-lost-me ahoy]].

The point of erotica is to make the reader feel something of what the characters do, which in most cases should be arousal rather than boredom. It's often a sign that the writer didn't want to have a sex scene here but [[ExecutiveMeddling got overruled]] or that the writer is sexually inexperienced and writing with the aid of a biology textbook. A lot of FanFiction written by [[MostFanficWritersAreGirls 14-year-old girls]] falls under the latter category—[[ArtisticLicenseBiology often minus the biology textbook]]—making it less of a case of [[AnatomicallyImpossibleSex You Fail Sex Ed]] and more a case of [[IgnorantOfTheirOwnIgnorance You Haven't Even Taken the Course Yet]]. Examples are too numerous to list and too forgettable to remember in any case.

However, it [[TropesAreNotBad can be used properly]]. IKEA Erotica has its merits as a tool of parody or simply as a means to [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar fool the censors]]. If used from the POV of a [[TheSpock certain type of character]], it can be an interesting insight into their psyche -- provided, of course, that the rest of the writing is enough to make this StylisticSuck apparent. It can also be used if the character simply thinks that the sex sucks ([[IncrediblyLamePun and not in a fun way]]).

* The [[{{RRatedOpening}} very first scene]] of ''Film/BeforeTheDevilKnowsYoureDead'' is an achingly passionless sex scene between Andy and his wife. [[{{TropesAreNotBad}} Used effectively]] in that it's meant to demonstrate the casual emptiness of Andy's life.

* The sex scenes in Creator/TomClancy's ''Literature/JackRyan'' series are nowhere near as well written as the explanations of technical details of the hardware that puts the "techno" in "technothriller", with awkward word choices and phrasing taking any hint of eroticism out of the scenes.

* ''Kramer's War'' by Creator/DerekRobinson mentions IKEA erotica but doesn't indulge in it. One character actually thinks the words "Insert Tab A into Slot B" ironically; luckily we are spared the sex scene. Other novels by Robinson prove immune to IKEA erotica.

* Done for comedic effect in one of Creator/MichaelMoorcock's "Dancers at the End of Time" novels. The characters are often described as "making love" in a nonspecific manner, but when they actually decide to do it for real (in order to conceive a baby - Jherek Carnelian, the central character) they have some difficulty working out "what goes into where, and so on."
* Used to great effectiveness in ''Literature/TheBluestEye'' when [[spoiler: Cholly rapes his daughter Pecola.]] The BeigeProse does absolutely nothing to detract from the {{Squick}}.

* Considering the purposes for which they're purchased it's ''amazing'' just how bad the writing in most English (translated) hentai games is when it comes to sex scenes. In most cases, the writers probably either:
## Have much more interest in writing a story than shoehorning in what the [[ExecutiveMeddling executives]] consider being the selling point of these games. Game requires adult content to sell? Fine, here's a stupid sex scene, now let me get back to the interesting bit. In some of these games, you can cut the sex completely without missing anything in the plot, and probably make it ''better'' - these may get an all-ages console release.
## Know exactly how silly the games for which they're writing are, so why bother making it good? In fact, why not make the sex even dumber than it already is. They may even garner some cheap laughs from [[SoBadItsGood how bad it is]].

** Considering the rest of the game's [[BlindIdiotTranslation bad translation job]] and clear editing (rewriting what is obviously a rape scene by the voice acting to a consensual one), it's hard to say who is at fault - the original writers, or the translators.
* It can probably be explained mostly with poor translation job by people who had little to no actual experience since those games were originally in Japanese.

* There is a certain IKEA bed called [[http://img01.lachschon.de/images/TBV-1045681140.jpg "Gutvik"]], and caused quite some amusement in Germany (where it's pronounced ''goot fick'' - identically to the German words "gut fick", which means "good fuck" or "good screw"). [[MemeticMutation This trope]] [[HilarityEnsues naturally followed]].

* The ''Literature/ClanOfTheCaveBear'' series (with the exception of the first book) has pages and pages of this stuff (the sex scenes average at least six pages each) largely devoted to the fact that Ayla and Jondalar have genitals of a complementary size, and are in fact, the only people with genitals of such a size. Also, they like to watch horses do it. And mammoths.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o "I Just Had Sex"]] by The Lonely Island. The chorus is "I just had sex/And it felt so good/A woman let me put my penis inside her". Other lines include "It felt so good when I did it with my penis" and "When I had the sex/Man my penis felt great".
** This song is that rare and wonderful thing, a successful attempt at deliberately creating something [[SoBadItsGood so bad it's good]].

The point of erotica is to make the reader feel something of what the characters do, which in most cases should be arousal rather than boredom. It's often a sign that the writer didn't want to have a sex scene here but [[ExecutiveMeddling got overruled]] or that the writer is sexually inexperienced and writing with the aid of a biology textbook. A lot of FanFiction written by [[MostFanficWritersAreGirls 14-year-old girls]] falls under the latter category—[[ArtisticLicenseBiology often minus the biology textbook]]—making it less of a case of [[AnatomicallyImpossibleSex You Fail Sex Ed]] and more a case of [[IgnorantOfTheirOwnIgnorance You Haven't Even Taken the Course Yet]]. Examples are too numerous to list, and too forgettable to remember in any case.

An extremely common feature of PornWithoutPlot. An example of IKEA Erotica is the line, "He pressed his hard sex against her soft sex and they had sex". A frequently usable antidote: lead up to the act, then pull a {{discretion shot}} at the end of the chapter, coming back in during the next chapter when it's all over. It works in cinema, and it can work for you, too!

The extreme of IKEA Erotica is "verbing the noun", in which the scene is given mostly or entirely in subject-verb-object sentences in which the key words could be replaced by anything and you'd have difficulty noticing.

* In the hispanic world, we have the infamous writter Perla Shumajer. Mostly focused in "Harry Potter" fanfics, her descriptions of sex are bizarre. In one of her fanfics, Severus Snape took out "his" penis outside of Harry´s pants (without magic). Another bizarre fanfic is one about Super Mario Brothers, named "Married in Marriage". Not so rich in sex descriptions, but clear in her intentions.

%%* This is one of main reasons ''{{Film/Showgirls}}'' was such a critical flop.

* Laurell K. Hamilton, whose last few ''Literature/AnitaBlake'' books have devolved into exactly this sort of porn. And when Ms. Hamilton isn't utilizing this trope, she typically just has some weird mystic happening affect all the characters so they wake up hours (or days) later having had insanely hot orgies that they don't even remember. This really saves her from having to find new words to describe obscenely large werewolf-genitalia (which then get inserted into slot B).

* A rare example of IKEA erotica being used on purpose, for a reason: in Creator/GregBear's novel ''Slant'', a couple of sex scenes are described with clinical precision, but it's clear that there's not meant to be any sort of romance or passion. In the first scene, a call girl has sex with a client: she doesn't enjoy it, of course, and he's only doing it to infect her. In the second scene, a man is jumped by his very horny wife, and doesn't really get a chance to enjoy himself either. The obsessively detailed style is repeated throughout the novel to create the feeling of being bombarded by information.

* ''Kramer's War'' by Creator/DerekRobinson mentions IKEA erotica, but doesn't indulge in it. One character actually thinks the words "Insert Tab A into Slot B" ironically; luckily we are spared the sex scene. Other novels by Robinson prove immune to IKEA erotica.

* British magazine ''The Literary Review'' has an annual [[https://literaryreview.co.uk/bad-sex-in-fiction-award Bad Sex Award]]. Examples can be found in the linked page. \\
"Each year since 1993, the Bad Sex in Fiction Award has honoured an author who has produced an outstandingly bad scene of sexual description in an otherwise good novel. The purpose of the prize is to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction. The prize is not intended to cover pornographic or expressly erotic literature."

* ''Series/NightCourt'' parodied this once. Mac was discussing assembling a train set, saying "Insert tab A into slot B. Who can't do that?" and Dan (the in-house pervert) just gave him a look and said "You'd be surprised."

'''Mitchell:''' I'm not sure it would, actually. I'm not sure it would go in that easily. I think you'd have to sort of work it in, because it's got no purchase, because it's floppy.\\

** In ''That Mitchell and Webb Look'', a man who writes porno movies states that he gets the basic outline, which is about a man and a woman meeting, with large blank spaces inbetween "they have sex" written several times over, with his job being to fill in the blanks.

** Well, theoretically optional, but given the rest of the manual's emphasis on the least arousing sex this side of a court-ordered chemical sterilization, you might as well just do it. You're already a sex offender just for agreeing to play the game; just as well hang for a sheep as a lamb.

## Have much more interest in writing a story than shoehorning in what the [[ExecutiveMeddling executives]] consider to be the selling point of these games. Game requires adult content to sell? Fine, here's a stupid sex scene, now let me get back to the interesting bit. In some of these games, you can cut the sex completely without missing anything in the plot, and probably make it ''better'' - these may get an all-ages console releases.

** Considering the rest of the game's [[BlindIdiotTranslation bad translation job]] and clear editing (rewriting what is obviously a rape scene by the voice acting to a consensual one), it's hard to say who is at fault - the original writers, or the the translators.
* It can probably be explained mostly with poor translation job by people who had little to no actual experience, since those games were originally in Japanese.

* ''The Internet Oracle'' was once asked by a supplicant, "What is sex". The oracle used the "Tab A into Slot B" example, continuing the description about certain situations where Tab F wants to insert itself in Tab R, and finalizes in how corrugated cardboard boxes are made.

-->'''Amy''' (angrily): "I know how to make love!"

** Another ''South Park'' example, showing both the sheer terrifying wonder of Butters' twisted crazy upbringing, and perhaps a little TruthInTelevision:
-->You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady, into her vagina. Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tunnel and after it's all done sneezing milk the penis stops being hard and the man loses interest in the lady.

->''"He was a notable example of the fact that nothing can be duller than dull pornography.” ''
-->-- '''Creator/AgathaChristie''', ''Literature/TheClocks''

* ''FanFic/MyImmortal''. An actual quote from the story reads "Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."

See also FetishRetardant and {{Narm}}, common consequences of IKEA Erotica, and ShowDontTell, which is a related piece of writing advice. Bonus points for TheBodyPartsThatMustNotBeNamed. Contrast with MillsAndBoonProse.

See also FetishRetardant and {{Narm}}, common consequences of IKEA Erotica, and ShowDontTell, which is a related piece of writing advice. Contrast with MillsAndBoonProse. Also contrast {{Hentai}}, which may be loving and sweet or go fully into the [[{{Squick}} opposite]] direction.