History JustForFun / QuantumMariahCareyProblem

Previous investigations have limited themselves to the case of MC being a real or complex number: however, empirical examinations suggest that MC (like most pop stars) [[TakeThat is not nearly as real or complex as often thought]], and may in fact be [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_simple_groups simple]]. There is [[GagBoobs abundant evidence]] that MC is a member of the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tits_group Tits group]].

A subgroup, some would say cult, of the Mariah Sucks school calling themselves "Physicists" refuse to accept that Mariah came up with the formula E=MC[[labelnote:2]]Preposterous.[[/labelnote]]. Their hatred and loathing runs so deep that they have instigated a worldwide conspiracy to hide the truth, a conspiracy that reaches deep into out society and to the highest echelons of power.

Finally the Strangist school believe that due to the weird behavior of Mariah Carey, the Q-value must be irrational. This school does not actually have a particular position on what it is ''per se'', just that it must be irrational. Strangist Dualists tend to favor a value of root 2 or root 3, Fictionalist Strangists tend to advocate ei, while Strangist Fanboys tend to advocate "THE ROOT OF A GOOGELPLEX +1", which is strange not because of the value itself, but both because Googol is misspelled and because the square root of a googolplex, plus one or no, is rational. "THE ROOT OF IN PARENTHESES A GOOGELPLEX +1", however, is perfectly irrational.

If we square her value, we learn that emancipation's value is set at $[[superscript:2]]

First of all, the system would mean that everyone's value was a constantly changing variable, and thus any attempts to put a value on Mariah are immediately discredited. Secondly, it defines that all people's values are defined by money, which means that Mariah Carey's value is significatly higher than anyone else's, which isn't necessarily true. Thirdly, if the value of emancipation is equal to Mariah Carey's net worth squared, adjusted for inflation, emancipating the slaves in 1863 would have cost around $3,628,700,543,322,582.00 at the time, and with the currency at the time being backed by the gold standard, adjusted for the price of gold of the time, it would have taken about 7,509,727,945,618 pounds of gold to emancipate the slaves. If we put stock in this view, one must wonder how Lincoln managed to pay to emancipate the slaves. Although it can also be argued that since Mariah Carey did not exist in 1863 she also did not have a net worth. This would mean that emancipating the slaves should have been free. Since history books everywhere tell us this is not the case this leads to a few interpretations. Firstly, instead of an ever-changing variable, her net worth should be chosen from a specific point in time; which point is not known. Secondly, there were other factors in play during the civil war, which would imply that E=MC^2 is a simplification of another more complex equation. Lastly, it could mean some kind of cover-up by the [[TheSchizophreniaConspiracy House of The 1000 Year Night]]. Of course, this all implies that for the purposes of dimensional analysis and natural units, $1=1 at both the present time and the Civil War era; if this is different or changing, even the simple E=MC[[superscript:2]] becomes much more complicated due to the effects of special relativity and time dilation.

* It is possible that squaring only the C is correct, if she secretly married someone else named Carey and became Mariah Carey-Carey. If that is the case, then the rest of this article is meaningless mathematical wank. However, the equation becomes E=M(C2)? E=MC^2 in turn means Emancipation= Mariah [=Carey CArey CaRey CarEy CareY=] (that's just representative, since you can't properly write in acrostic here). Unless it's like squaring a fraction, where the MC is to be taken as two parts of a whole... Lets just burn the disc covers and rewrite all the labels, mmmkay? It would be easier and less mentally torturous.

To solve this problem, the value of E (Emancipation) must first be analyzed. The Other Wiki defines emancipation as: "...a term used to describe various efforts to obtain ... equality" Which means that emancipation is not so much a number, as it is an operation. There are two fairly simple operations which will always produce the same result regardless of the input value: x*0 and x^0.
* To begin, let's assume that E=(x*0), then E=0 and so either (MC)^2=0 or M(C^2)=0 [[labelnote:1]]In the first case, that means (Mariah Carey)=0 which supports the [[{{Hatedom}} Mariah Sucks]] school's position.[[/labelnote]] [[labelnote:2]]But if MC is [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nilpotent nilpotent]], it is possible for MC^2 to equal 0 while MC != 0. However, if she is [[IncrediblyLamePun nilpotent]] [[TheLoinsSleepTonight she should really see a doctor about that]].[[/labelnote]] [[labelnote:3]]In the Second case, that means that Mariah=0 and/or Carey=0 suggesting that either her family's Q value, or her own is 0. (Of course, assuming her family name refers to her family, and her given name refers to herself.)[[/labelnote]]
* Next, Let's assume that E=(x^0), then E=1, meaning either (MC)^2=1 or M(C^2)=1. In the first case, that means that MC=1. However, since E=1 for all x, that means that (Mariah Carey)=(Anything Else). This supports a very Egalitarian point of view.\\

In the second case, that means that M(C^2)=1, therefore, Mariah=1/(Carey^2) suggesting she is the inverse of her family raised to the second power. What exactly this means is open to interpretation.

Since emancipation was proclaimed true on [[UsefulNotes/TheAmericanCivilWar Jan. 1, 1863]], we can apply boolean logic to get MC^2 == true != 0. Thus, E == (MC)^2 != 0. But since the entire world exists inside Instrumentality [[WildMassGuessing and/or]] the mind of Haruhi Suzumiya, we know that Mariah Carey is imaginary. So, (MC)^2 < 0... which means that we have negative emancipation. Is this bad or good? Must Mariah Carey exist for us to have an egalitarian society? Truly a disturbing philosophical question...

A subgroup, some would say cult, of the Mariah Sucks school calling themselves "Physicists" refuse to accept that Mariah came up with the formula E=MC[[superscript:2]]. Their hatred and loathing runs so deep that they have instigated a worldwide conspiracy to hide the truth, a conspiracy that reaches deep into out society and to the highest echelons of power.

The Physicists proclaim that E=MC[[superscript:2]] was not the product of Mariah's deep intellectual insight, but was instead developed by their leader, Albert Einstein, allegedly deceased. Their, frankly preposterous, view is that in the formula E represents energy, M represents mass and C represents the speed of light. Simple inspection of this view reveals how preposterous it is, only the truly mental would use C for the speed of light, any sane person would obviously use L.

This seemed like a JustForFun question until it became a non-trivial problem when Mariah Carey "emancipated" by squaring herself. She came out with an album called ''E=MC[[superscript:2]]'' in 2008. She claims it stands for "(E) Emancipation (=) equals (MC) Mariah Carey to the second power." For purposes of this discussion it is assumed she meant to call it E=(MC)[[superscript:2]], since squaring just the Carey part would be silly. Without knowing the quantitative value of Mariah Carey (Q) we cannot know what her bringing herself to the second power accomplished. Did it increase her, decrease her, or have no change? The question has now become a vital key to understanding the consequences of her changed Q-value and navigating past the resulting singularity.

The Fictionalist school believes that Q-values are made up values and thus Q=bi. What a transition from a complex number to a negative number means is best left up to other mathematicians, philosophers, or {{FanGirl}}s and is not germane to this discussion.

The very small Negativist school hypothesizes that the Q-value must be negative, because [[TheNewRockAndRoll pop culture has such a negative effect]]. That would suggest that squaring it would make it become positive, thus -1<Q<0 has the same net effect as 0<Q<1; Q<-1, 1<Q. The even smaller ElvisCostello school shares this belief, but for the reason that they believe everything to be "Less than Zero" (Costello, 1977)

This research is still ongoing and any who have additional new information about the Quantum Mariah Carey Problem or relating to general human Q-value knowledge are encouraged to post it here.

For a study of a similar problem, see Cliburn et al., "The Value of Love, Using the BobDylan Model," ''Annals of Improbable Research'' 1:5 (1995), reprinted in ''The Best of Annals of Improbable Research''. See also: the Quantum Music/MCHammer problem, which is complicated by a unique time co-ordinate.[[note]]Unfortunately, by its very nature it's not a problem we can touch on. This has been made very clear to us.[[/note]]

Finally the Strangist school believe that due to the weird behavior of Mariah Carey, the Q-value must be irrational. This school does not actually have a particular position on what it is ''per se'', just that it must be irrational. Strangist Dualists tend to favor a value of root 2 or root 3, Fictionalist Strangists tend to advocate ei, while Strangist Fanboys tend to advocate "THE ROOT OF A GOOGELPLEX +1", which is strange not because of the value itself, but both because Googol is misspelled and because the square root of a googolplex, plus one or no, is rational.

Finally the Strangist school believe that due to the weird behavior of Mariah Carey, the Q-value must be irrational. This school does not actually have a particular position on what it is ''per se'', just that it must be irrational. Strangist Dualists tend to favor a value of root 2 or root 3, Fictionalist Strangists tend to advocate ei, while Strangist Fanboys tend to advocate "THE ROOT OF A GOOGELPLEX +1"

First of all, the system would mean that everyone's value was a constantly changing variable, and thus any attempts to put a value on Mariah are immediately discredited. Secondly, it defines that all people's values are defined by money, which means that Mariah Carey's value is significatly higher than anyone elses, which isn't necessarily true. Thirdly, if the value of emancipation is equal to Mariah Carey's net worth squared, adjusted for inflation, emancipating the slaves in 1863 would have cost around $3,628,700,543,322,582.00 at the time, and with the currency at the time being backed by the gold standard, adjusted for the price of gold of the time, it would have taken about 7,509,727,945,618 pounds of gold to emancipate the slaves. If we put stock in this view, one must wonder how Lincoln managed to pay to emancipate the slaves. Although it can also be argued that since Mariah Carey did not exist in 1863 she also did not have a net worth. This would mean that emancipating the slaves should have been free. Since history books everywhere tell us this is not the case this leads to a few interpretations. Firstly instead of an everchanging variable her net worth should be chosen from a specific point in time, which point is not known. Secondly that there where other factors in play during the civil war. This would mean that E=MC^2 is a simplification of another more complex equation. Lastly it could mean some kind of cover-up by the [[TheSchizophreniaConspiracy House of The 1000 Year Night]].

Since emancipation was proclaimed true on [[TheAmericanCivilWar Jan. 1, 1863]], we can apply boolean logic to get MC^2 == true != 0. Thus, E == (MC)^2 != 0. But since the entire world exists inside Instrumentality [[WildMassGuessing and/or]] the mind of Haruhi Suzumiya, we know that Mariah Carey is imaginary. So, (MC)^2 < 0... which means that we have negative emancipation. Is this bad or good? Must Mariah Carey exist for us to have an egalitarian society? Truly a disturbing philosophical question...