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* The opening used up to the start of the 2019 NFL season, which shows off several EpicFail moments in sports, namely the Pacers-Pistons brawl, Terrell Owens' [[{{Wangst}} tear-streaked]] "That's my quarterback!" interview, the ball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head for a home run, Vesa Toskala conceding a bouncing shot from 197 feet away, Patrik Štefan failing to even shoot the puck at a completely empty net, and the infamous Butt-Fumble.
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* The opening used up to the start of the 2019 NFL season, season (and still used for non-NFL episodes), which shows off several EpicFail moments in sports, namely the Pacers-Pistons brawl, Terrell Owens' [[{{Wangst}} tear-streaked]] "That's my quarterback!" interview, the ball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head for a home run, Vesa Toskala conceding a bouncing shot from 197 feet away, Patrik Štefan failing to even shoot the puck at a completely empty net, and the infamous Butt-Fumble.
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** This intro is later amended in Week 4, replacing Parkey's "double doink" with Matt Gay's missed field goal at the end of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' game against the New York Giants (captioned [[AC:You Happy, Chicago?]]) and adding the [[AC:No Sympathy For You, Patriots]] caption to the Miami Miracle.
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'''UT''': ''They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
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'''UT''': ''They They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
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'''Caption''': ''[as 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt] [[AC:Thanks for the free pick, sir.]]\\
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'''Caption''': ''[as 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt] Watt]'' [[AC:Thanks for the free pick, sir.]]\\
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-->'''UT''': ''[as "Pennsylvania Polka" plays in the background]'' Sports philosophers and shitposters from across the land analysing this game ''[49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt] [Caption: THANKS FOR THE FREE PICK, SIR]'' will be perplexed at the findings. They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
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-->'''UT''': ''[as "Pennsylvania Polka" plays in the background]'' Sports philosophers and shitposters from across the land analysing this game ''[49ers will be perplexed at the findings.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt][Caption: THANKS FOR THE FREE PICK, SIR]'' will be perplexed at [[AC:Thanks for the findings. They free pick, sir.]]\\
'''UT''': ''They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt]
'''UT''': ''They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
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* The Buttfumble Detector gets a week off, even though the Jets are playing the team against whom they committed the Buttfumble in 2012. The game itself is typically lopsided:
-->'''UT''': ''[game show host voice]'' New England! Congratulations! You're today's recipient of a free win!\\
'''Caption''': ''[flashing, accompanied by the "win" bell from ''Series/ThePriceIsRight'']'' [[AC:Free win!!!]]\\
'''UT''': That's right, a free win! ''[sound of children cheering]'' You get to play at home against a perennial doormat in the New York Jets! Look at how they'll pretend to hype this matchup as a clash of [=QBs=] selected with a 199th pick!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Luke Falk follows in footsteps of idol Tom Brady, goes to Titans with pick No. 199]]\\
'''UT''': That's the only way these two will be compared. It is a stomping of all things Jets. The offence quashed, the defence emasculated, the coaching staff bug-eyed and regretting their life choices. Don't worry, Jets, you're not in a nightmare, you've been dead for years! We'll see you again in a few weeks for another ass-kicking!
* For the first time in over a year, ''Days of Our Steelers'' is nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately, this doesn't herald a return to form:
-->'''UT''': ''[as "Pennsylvania Polka" plays in the background]'' Sports philosophers and shitposters from across the land analysing this game ''[49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt] [Caption: THANKS FOR THE FREE PICK, SIR]'' will be perplexed at the findings. They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
'''Caption''': ''[Steelers WR Johnny Holton runs for a 9-yard gain]'' [[AC:This was the best offensive play of the first half. Yeah.]]\\
'''UT''': Why do you waste the valiant efforts of that defence?\\
'''Caption''': ''[Garoppolo throws an incomplete pass to running back Jeff Wilson]'' [[AC:Error: Kyle Juszczyk's stiff arm footage not found]]\\
'''UT''': Of Minkah Fitzpatrick's greatest game as a professional? Only ''six points'' off five turnovers. It was only a matter of time before the Niners woke up, and they eventually did. ''[49ers WR Richie James, Jr. loses control of the ball on the Steelers' 7-yard line, and Watt recovers it]'' Even as they fumbled near the goal line - '''again''' - the Steelers merely returned the favour in prime field position.\\
'''Caption''': ''[sure enough, Steelers running back James Conner loses control of the ball, and 49ers defensive tackle [=DeForest=] Buckner recovers it]'' [[AC:What the hell happened to the Steelers O-line?]]\\
'''UT''': They only had about ''two'' good offensive plays. It was ''that'' bad. An 0-3 start with a team that can't tank because they traded their first round pick. As a salty yinzer, I am starting to shit myself.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Steelers reportedly trade 2020 fifth round pick to Seahawks for tight end Nick Vennett]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Pictured: Desperate management]]\\
'''UT''': Blood pressure's starting to rise.
-->'''UT''': ''[game show host voice]'' New England! Congratulations! You're today's recipient of a free win!\\
'''Caption''': ''[flashing, accompanied by the "win" bell from ''Series/ThePriceIsRight'']'' [[AC:Free win!!!]]\\
'''UT''': That's right, a free win! ''[sound of children cheering]'' You get to play at home against a perennial doormat in the New York Jets! Look at how they'll pretend to hype this matchup as a clash of [=QBs=] selected with a 199th pick!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Luke Falk follows in footsteps of idol Tom Brady, goes to Titans with pick No. 199]]\\
'''UT''': That's the only way these two will be compared. It is a stomping of all things Jets. The offence quashed, the defence emasculated, the coaching staff bug-eyed and regretting their life choices. Don't worry, Jets, you're not in a nightmare, you've been dead for years! We'll see you again in a few weeks for another ass-kicking!
* For the first time in over a year, ''Days of Our Steelers'' is nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately, this doesn't herald a return to form:
-->'''UT''': ''[as "Pennsylvania Polka" plays in the background]'' Sports philosophers and shitposters from across the land analysing this game ''[49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt] [Caption: THANKS FOR THE FREE PICK, SIR]'' will be perplexed at the findings. They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
'''Caption''': ''[Steelers WR Johnny Holton runs for a 9-yard gain]'' [[AC:This was the best offensive play of the first half. Yeah.]]\\
'''UT''': Why do you waste the valiant efforts of that defence?\\
'''Caption''': ''[Garoppolo throws an incomplete pass to running back Jeff Wilson]'' [[AC:Error: Kyle Juszczyk's stiff arm footage not found]]\\
'''UT''': Of Minkah Fitzpatrick's greatest game as a professional? Only ''six points'' off five turnovers. It was only a matter of time before the Niners woke up, and they eventually did. ''[49ers WR Richie James, Jr. loses control of the ball on the Steelers' 7-yard line, and Watt recovers it]'' Even as they fumbled near the goal line - '''again''' - the Steelers merely returned the favour in prime field position.\\
'''Caption''': ''[sure enough, Steelers running back James Conner loses control of the ball, and 49ers defensive tackle [=DeForest=] Buckner recovers it]'' [[AC:What the hell happened to the Steelers O-line?]]\\
'''UT''': They only had about ''two'' good offensive plays. It was ''that'' bad. An 0-3 start with a team that can't tank because they traded their first round pick. As a salty yinzer, I am starting to shit myself.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Steelers reportedly trade 2020 fifth round pick to Seahawks for tight end Nick Vennett]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Pictured: Desperate management]]\\
'''UT''': Blood pressure's starting to rise.
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!![[AC:NFL Week Three (2019)]]
* The {{Stinger}} deviates from its usual game highlight to show [[https://twitter.com/SteveLindsayCBS/status/1176062864701964288 footage of a Philadelphia resident who helped to catch babies out of a burning building]], saying "we was catching them, [[TakeThat unlike [Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Nelson] Agholor]]."[[note]]Agholor had fumbled a pass in the second quarter of that week's game against the Lions, who recovered the ball and went on to kick a field goal.[[/note]]
--> [[AC:Never change, Philly. Never change.]]
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* The Steelers look to redeem their Week 1 loss to the Patriots, but during the first half, a certain "Captain" falls...
-->'''UT''': Unlike last week, this game is the true test for the Steelers: an equal opponent in Seattle at home. Even with the offense struggling early, I have confidence that they will pull through in the end.\\
''[A SickeningCrunch, a scream, and a loud gong sound in unison as Ben Roethlisberger gets injured]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Steelers' Ben Roethlisberger (elbow) Out for the Year]]\\
'''UT''': I need to separate this again, God damn it.
-->'''UT''': Unlike last week, this game is the true test for the Steelers: an equal opponent in Seattle at home. Even with the offense struggling early, I have confidence that they will pull through in the end.\\
''[A SickeningCrunch, a scream, and a loud gong sound in unison as Ben Roethlisberger gets injured]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Steelers' Ben Roethlisberger (elbow) Out for the Year]]\\
'''UT''': I need to separate this again, God damn it.
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!![[AC: Vanquished Leader of Men]]
* The Steelers go home and seek to rebound against the Seahawks. While the Steelers take an early lead, the Seahawks respond with a touchdown of their own. But that's not the least of their issues...
-->'''UT''': This week's matchup is at home against the Seattle Seahawks. Unlike the Patriots game, the Black and Gold brigade should have a good chance at winning. They are equals. Two hungry teams eager for playoff berths with questions to answer throughout the season. They would not be for the early part of the game. The offenses were silenced like a Pittsburgh suburb after 9 PM. May we praise Stephon Tuitt for restarting the sack machine.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as James Connor scores the first touchdown]'' [[AC:I Smell Heroics in the Air]]\\
'''UT''': But for this team to unlock their full potential, they must call upon the powers of a weakened legend. CAPTAIN FAT FUCK, LEADER OF-\\
''[A SickeningCrunch, a scream, and a loud gong sound in unison as Ben Roethlisberger gets injured, followed quickly by "Oh no, there's a man down!"]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Steelers' Ben Roethlisberger (elbow) Out for the Year]]\\
'''UT''': Vanquished. Out for the remainder of the season with an elbow injury.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Questionable, eh?]]\\
'''UT''': I was wondering when this day would come. His body after years of taking a beating behind a pocket finally breaking down on him. But it still takes you by surprise. An era may truly be over. One of the final main characters of Days of Our Steelers falling to the wayside. And to be completely honest, I don't feel bad. I don't feel any sort of pity whatsoever. I don't even feel joy or happiness, I'm just not feeling anything right now.
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-->'''UT''': You think it couldn't get worse for you, Detroit, didja. Aw, look at how they think they had a chance at 10-6 this year, that's cute. Here comes the airplane known as Khalil Mack to smash your teeth in and put you back in the infirmary! Soldier Field was a slaughtering ground! A slaughtering of any hope that the Lions may have had for this season. Unless they win out, Detroit is ''done''. Even then, it may not be enough. Don't worry though, guys, even though you got routed by Chicago, at least you still have the Pistons.\\
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-->'''UT''': You think it couldn't get worse for you, Detroit, didja. Aw, look at how they think they had a chance at 10-6 this year, that's cute. Here comes the airplane known as Khalil Mack to smash your teeth in and put you back in into the infirmary! Soldier Field was a slaughtering ground! A slaughtering of any hope that the Lions may have had for this season. Unless they win out, Detroit is ''done''. Even then, it may not be enough. Don't worry though, guys, even though you got routed by Chicago, at least you still have the Pistons.\\
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!![[AC:NFL Week Two (2019)]]
* The Buttfumble Detector gets another workout when the Browns visit [=MetLife=] Stadium looking for redemption after getting smeared 43-13 by the Titans in Week 1.
-->'''UT''': J-E-T-S Jets football on a nondescript Monday night. You know what this means: bring out the Buttfumble Detector. ''[said item appears top left with its usual jingle]'' After last week's Jetting of potential winning, this game comes with added challenges.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Jets' C.J. Mosley, Quinnen Williams out vs. Browns with Groin, Ankle Injuries]]\\
'''UT''': Your defensive stalwarts C.J. Mosley and Quinnen Williams are out with injury. Sam Darnold to the rescue? Not today.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Sam Darnold Out Indefinitely With Mono]]\\
'''UT''': He has been stricken down with mononucleosis for an uncertain period of time. ''[which is enough to set off the Buttfumble Detector]'' Even bacteria knows a buttfumble when it sees one. Let's cut to the chase, this game isn't even close from the get-go. The Browns didn't even ''do'' that well, but it didn't matter. The Jets offence was somehow even flatter than last week.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Former Broncos QB Trevor Siemian To Start For New York Jets In Week 2]]\\
'''UT''': Trevor Siemian was thrust into action and showed his rust early.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, StockScream of pain]'' [[AC:Jets QB Trevor Siemian out for season with ankle injury]]\\
'''UT''': At least until the football gods had enough and struck ''him'' down with injury as well. Prepare for third stringer Luke Falk.\\
'''Headline''': ''[as the Buttfumble Detector goes off again]'' [[AC:Luke Falk Takes Over as Jets Starting Quarterback]]\\
'''UT''': This is gonna be another long season, ain't it. Le'Veon Bell was out here trying to Rambo the entire defence, yet there's nothing else around him. The Jets are buttfumbling their way to Tank Bowl territory, it's ''that'' bad for them. Once again, Cleveland wasn't overly impressive, but they had a ''pulse''. It was all they needed to beat this team. With their upcoming schedule, the Jets could realistically go 0-6.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:They will play the Patriots twice, the Cowboys, and the Eagles]]\\
'''UT''': ''[as the Buttfumble Detector goes off again, continuing throughout the rest of the segment]'' That tank might be getting ''fierce''.\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:Jets' Jamal Adams Confirms He Was Benched in Monday Night Blowout vs. Browns]]\\
[[AC:Jamal Adams unfollows Jets on Instagram]]\\
'''UT''': Wouldja look at that, you've pissed off Jamal Adams and ''he'' may want out of this shithole.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Not a dynamic player, eh, Gregg Williams?]]\\
'''UT''': Can I somehow ''amplify'' this Buttfumble Detector?
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* After last season's Buffalo Optimism Meter, Tree has a new device to measure the performance of one of their division rivals - who happen to be playing the Bills:
-->'''UT''': I feel like ''this'' is the time for glaring at the Jets. Despite their godawful off-season they have ''some'' optimism with the talent they've brought in. They're playing a fellow rebuilding compadre in the Bills which will be a good gauge of where they're at. I have purchased a Buttfumble Detector ''[a graphic of a smoke alarm with a Jets logo appears top left, accompanied by the "Perfect" Special Stage jingle from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3'']'' in the hopes that it will ''not'' flare up in this game. Checks and balances are a good thing. So far, it appears that New York is in control, but more because Josh Allen and Bills receivers can't stop turning over the damn ball. Despite the offence stalling, the new defence brings [=MetLife=] Stadium joy. Perhaps new kicker Kaare Vedvik will do the same.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jets claim Kaare Vedvik, cut Taylor Bertolet in kicker shakeup]]\\
''[Vedvik kicks for an extra point after the first touchdown... and the ball goes wide left. The Buttfumble Detector starts shaking and beeping]''\\
'''UT''': Of course. I mean, come on, the Bills have had four turnovers and you've barely done anything with them! At least kick a field goal? ''[Vedvik's attempt goes wide right; the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps again]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jets sign new kicker after hosting tryout, waive Kaare Vedvik following two Week 1 misses]]\\
'''UT''': Perhaps you shouldn't have cheaped out on the Pro Bowl kicker, Jets. Look, you may be fucking up but [[MaliciousMisnaming Buffalol]] isn't doing anything. You have a 16-point lead while barely even ''trying''. As long as the defence still clicks, you're good.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, stock groan of agony, and more shaking and beeping from the Buttfumble Detector]'' [[AC:After C.J. Mosley leaves with groin injury, Jets fall apart]]\\
'''UT''': Oh, ''God!'' It's at this point where the Bills break the chains and unlock their offensive ability. In one of the more Jetsiest games we've seen, Buffalo surges back for 17 unanswered points when they looked dead in the water. Who knew that a defence without their leader and an anorexic offence force-feeding Le'Veon Bell would lead to disaster? ''[as John Brown catches a pass from Josh Allen for the winning touchdown for the Bills, the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps once again, continuing throughout the rest of the segment]'' I am outright '''shocked''' that this Buttfumble Detector is going haywire as I speak. Jets fans, here's a lesson for you: don't get hyped. This team will ''always'' deflate them. ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]''
-->'''UT''': I feel like ''this'' is the time for glaring at the Jets. Despite their godawful off-season they have ''some'' optimism with the talent they've brought in. They're playing a fellow rebuilding compadre in the Bills which will be a good gauge of where they're at. I have purchased a Buttfumble Detector ''[a graphic of a smoke alarm with a Jets logo appears top left, accompanied by the "Perfect" Special Stage jingle from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3'']'' in the hopes that it will ''not'' flare up in this game. Checks and balances are a good thing. So far, it appears that New York is in control, but more because Josh Allen and Bills receivers can't stop turning over the damn ball. Despite the offence stalling, the new defence brings [=MetLife=] Stadium joy. Perhaps new kicker Kaare Vedvik will do the same.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jets claim Kaare Vedvik, cut Taylor Bertolet in kicker shakeup]]\\
''[Vedvik kicks for an extra point after the first touchdown... and the ball goes wide left. The Buttfumble Detector starts shaking and beeping]''\\
'''UT''': Of course. I mean, come on, the Bills have had four turnovers and you've barely done anything with them! At least kick a field goal? ''[Vedvik's attempt goes wide right; the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps again]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jets sign new kicker after hosting tryout, waive Kaare Vedvik following two Week 1 misses]]\\
'''UT''': Perhaps you shouldn't have cheaped out on the Pro Bowl kicker, Jets. Look, you may be fucking up but [[MaliciousMisnaming Buffalol]] isn't doing anything. You have a 16-point lead while barely even ''trying''. As long as the defence still clicks, you're good.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, stock groan of agony, and more shaking and beeping from the Buttfumble Detector]'' [[AC:After C.J. Mosley leaves with groin injury, Jets fall apart]]\\
'''UT''': Oh, ''God!'' It's at this point where the Bills break the chains and unlock their offensive ability. In one of the more Jetsiest games we've seen, Buffalo surges back for 17 unanswered points when they looked dead in the water. Who knew that a defence without their leader and an anorexic offence force-feeding Le'Veon Bell would lead to disaster? ''[as John Brown catches a pass from Josh Allen for the winning touchdown for the Bills, the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps once again, continuing throughout the rest of the segment]'' I am outright '''shocked''' that this Buttfumble Detector is going haywire as I speak. Jets fans, here's a lesson for you: don't get hyped. This team will ''always'' deflate them. ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]''
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* The 2019 NFL episodes saw the debut of a new EpicFail montage from the 2018-19 NFL season, including Bears kicker Cody Parkey's "double doink" missed field goal against the Eagles in the Wild Card round, the brawl between the Bills and the Jaguars in Week 12, Steelers kicker Chris Boswell slipping on the turf and missing what could have been a game-tying field goal against the Raiders in Week 14, and the "Miracle in Miami" of the Dolphins' Kenyan Drake scoring an improbable game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Week 14.
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* The 2019 NFL episodes saw the debut of a new EpicFail montage from the 2018-19 NFL season, including Bears kicker Cody Parkey's "double doink" missed field goal against the Eagles in the Wild Card round, the brawl between the Bills and the Jaguars in Week 12, 12 (accompanied by a sound clip of Raiders coach Jon Gruden saying "I'll say this, we're not tanking anything!"), Steelers kicker Chris Boswell slipping on the turf and missing what could have been a game-tying field goal against the Raiders in Week 14, and the "Miracle in Miami" of the Dolphins' Kenyan Drake scoring an improbable game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Week 14.
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[[folder:Days of Our Steelers]]
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[[folder:Days of Our Steelers]]Steelers - 2018 Season]]
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[[/folder]]
[[folder:Days of Our Steelers - 2019 Season]]
[[folder:Days of Our Steelers - 2019 Season]]
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'''UT''': '''FUCK! FUUU-'''\\
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'''UT''': '''FUCK! FUUU-'''\\[[CurseCutShort FUUU-]]'''\\
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* Oh well, at least Antonio Brown is gone, and his pre-season in Oakland is so drama-laden that they end up releasing him before he even plays a down, never mind a whole game. Time to indulge in some ''schadenfreude'', right? Except...
-->'''UT''': The Steelers just won the Super Bowl and all it cost us was $21 million in debt cap! PARTY TIME, BABY!\\
'''Narrator UT''': ''[as Video Tree sings in the background]'' This premature celebration of the yinzer in his habitat, something sinister was bubbling. The seismic activity would shake the very core of his fandom.\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Antonio Brown Signs With Patriots Ahead of Season Opener]]\\
'''UT''': ''What?!...''\\
'''Narrator UT''': The Steelers had no longer won the Super Bowl.\\
'''UT''': He signed with the FUCKING PATRIOTS!?\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Hell hath come to Yinzerland]]\\
'''UT''': '''FUCK! FUUU-'''\\
''[static]''\\
'''UT''': Why does God hate us? Antonio Brown to the Patriots!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[over footage of Brown running up and down his back garden in celebration]'' [[AC:I bet he's doing this to spite his old lover]]\\
'''UT''': The team the Steelers are always at least two steps behind on any given Sunday?! Do you understand they have to go into Foxborough and deal with their Super Bowl presentation, and now THIS!?\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Antonio Brown Won't Be On The Sideline For Patriots-Steelers]]\\
'''UT''': I mean, at least he won't play, but you know what? I not only hope the Steelers win, I hope they fucking ''crush'' them. Hearing their misery will warm my cold, salty heart to a boil. Do this and all the drama of the past few years will be forgiven.
-->'''UT''': The Steelers just won the Super Bowl and all it cost us was $21 million in debt cap! PARTY TIME, BABY!\\
'''Narrator UT''': ''[as Video Tree sings in the background]'' This premature celebration of the yinzer in his habitat, something sinister was bubbling. The seismic activity would shake the very core of his fandom.\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Antonio Brown Signs With Patriots Ahead of Season Opener]]\\
'''UT''': ''What?!...''\\
'''Narrator UT''': The Steelers had no longer won the Super Bowl.\\
'''UT''': He signed with the FUCKING PATRIOTS!?\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Hell hath come to Yinzerland]]\\
'''UT''': '''FUCK! FUUU-'''\\
''[static]''\\
'''UT''': Why does God hate us? Antonio Brown to the Patriots!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[over footage of Brown running up and down his back garden in celebration]'' [[AC:I bet he's doing this to spite his old lover]]\\
'''UT''': The team the Steelers are always at least two steps behind on any given Sunday?! Do you understand they have to go into Foxborough and deal with their Super Bowl presentation, and now THIS!?\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Antonio Brown Won't Be On The Sideline For Patriots-Steelers]]\\
'''UT''': I mean, at least he won't play, but you know what? I not only hope the Steelers win, I hope they fucking ''crush'' them. Hearing their misery will warm my cold, salty heart to a boil. Do this and all the drama of the past few years will be forgiven.
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''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's ''Pagliacci'') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from the ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' episode "Whale Whores" where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkLiT1jV5Ms&t=5903s archive footage from Super Bowl VII]] where the Dolphins' placekicker Garo Yepremian turns the ball over to the Washington Redskins' Mike Bass, who would return the ball for a touchdown]''\\
to:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's ''Pagliacci'') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from the ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' episode "Whale Whores" where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkLiT1jV5Ms&t=5903s archive footage from Super Bowl VII]] where the Dolphins' placekicker Garo Yepremian turns the ball over to the Washington Redskins' Mike Bass, who would return the ball for a touchdown]''\\touchdown]''[[note]]Although the Dolphins still won, Yepremian's gaffe is still regarded as one of the worst mistakes in a Super Bowl, and it prevented a potential cherry on the sundae of the Dolphins' perfect season: a 17-0 scoreline to match their 17-0 record. Instead, the final score was Miami 14, Washington 7; it remained the lowest-scoring Super Bowl until 2019.[[/note]]\\
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Yes, I searched for the source of that video footage.
Changed line(s) 338 (click to see context) from:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's ''Pagliacci'') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from the ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' episode "Whale Whores" where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
to:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's ''Pagliacci'') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from the ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' episode "Whale Whores" where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkLiT1jV5Ms&t=5903s archive footage from Super Bowl VII]] where the Dolphins turn Dolphins' placekicker Garo Yepremian turns the ball over to their opponents]''\\the Washington Redskins' Mike Bass, who would return the ball for a touchdown]''\\
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'''UT''': ''Fuck.''
to:
'''UT''': ''Fuck.''[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Fuck]].''
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'''Headline''': ''[glass breaking]'' [[AC:NFL Week 1 Betting Preview: Steelers remain 6.5-point underdogs vs. Patriots]]
to:
'''Headline''': ''[glass breaking]'' [[AC:NFL Week 1 Betting Preview: Steelers remain 6.5-point underdogs vs. Patriots]]Patriots]]\\
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* The Steelers' season gets off to a disastrous start with a 33-3 loss to, yes, the Patriots. Tree offers a teaser for the upcoming full-length evisceration of Pittsburgh's performance in the return of the ''Days of our Steelers'':
to:
* The Steelers' season gets off to a disastrous start with a 33-3 loss to, yes, the Patriots. Tree offers a teaser for the upcoming full-length evisceration of Pittsburgh's performance in the return of the ''Days of our Our Steelers'':
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''[aerial shot of the former site of Three Rivers Stadium, accompanied by a very long StockScream of horror]''\\
to:
''[aerial shot of Point State Park (with Heinz Field just out of frame to the former site of Three Rivers Stadium, left), accompanied by a very long StockScream of horror]''\\
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!![[AC:The Boston Salt Party]]
* With Le'Veon Bell now the Jets' problem and Antonio Brown now the Raiders' problem, Tree is savouring the prospect of a drama-free season. His sense of calm is short-lived:
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Steelers' pre-season training, Music/LudwigVanBeethoven's ''Pastoral'' Symphony playing on the soundtrack]'' Do you hear that? That sweet, serene nectar to the ears. ''No... drama.'' No more pain. No more anguish. No more ''Days of Our Steelers''. I can finally relax. I can sit back... and laugh at the Raiders. He's your problem now, boys! ''[contented sigh]'' I wonder who the Steelers are playing in their first game?\\
'''Headline''': ''[glass breaking]'' [[AC:NFL Week 1 Betting Preview: Steelers remain 6.5-point underdogs vs. Patriots]]
'''UT''': ''Fuck.''
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* The Steelers' season gets off to a disastrous start with a 33-3 loss to, yes, the Patriots. Tree offers a teaser for the upcoming full-length evisceration of Pittsburgh's performance:
to:
* The Steelers' season gets off to a disastrous start with a 33-3 loss to, yes, the Patriots. Tree offers a teaser for the upcoming full-length evisceration of Pittsburgh's performance:performance in the return of the ''Days of our Steelers'':
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* The 2019 NFL episodes saw the debut of a new EpicFail montage from the 2018-19 NFL season, including Bears kicker Cody Parkey's "double doink" missed field goal against the Eagles in the Wild Card round, the brawl between the Bills and the Jaguars in Week 12, Steelers kicker Chris Boswell slipping on the turf and missing what could have been a game-tying field goal against the Raiders in Week 14, and the "Miracle in Miami" of the Dolphins' Kenyan Drake scoring an improbable game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Week 14.
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!![[AC:Week One (2019)]]
to:
Changed line(s) 337 (click to see context) from:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's '''Pagliacci''') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
to:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's '''Pagliacci''') ''Pagliacci'') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark the ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' episode "Whale Whores" where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
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to:
* The Steelers' season gets off to a disastrous start with a 33-3 loss to, yes, the Patriots. Tree offers a teaser for the upcoming full-length evisceration of Pittsburgh's performance:
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Patriots' Super Bowl LIII championship banner being unveiled]'' We now go live to Pittsburgh to gauge the fan reaction to this game and activities.\\
''[aerial shot of the former site of Three Rivers Stadium, accompanied by a very long StockScream of horror]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Pittsburgh Salt Level]]\\
''[ding!]'' [[AC:Potato Patch Fry Seasoning]]\\
'''UT''': I need another video to dissect how shit the Steelers were. I want to '''die'''. That is all.
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Patriots' Super Bowl LIII championship banner being unveiled]'' We now go live to Pittsburgh to gauge the fan reaction to this game and activities.\\
''[aerial shot of the former site of Three Rivers Stadium, accompanied by a very long StockScream of horror]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Pittsburgh Salt Level]]\\
''[ding!]'' [[AC:Potato Patch Fry Seasoning]]\\
'''UT''': I need another video to dissect how shit the Steelers were. I want to '''die'''. That is all.
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'''Sports reporter''': Multiple players got their agents on the phone after today's loss and said "Get us out of here. We want to be traded, we don't want to be part of this effort to tank for Tua Tagovailoa or whoever the Dolphins would take."\\
to:
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Additional tropes
Changed line(s) 337 (click to see context) from:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
to:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's '''Pagliacci''') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
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Changed line(s) 337 (click to see context) from:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVenturaPetDetective Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
to:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVenturaPetDetective [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
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surprised you didn't notice the Ace Ventura reference in the first clip
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''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one where a room full of Dolphins memorabilia is vandalized, another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark where the Dolphins are killed, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
to:
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one where a of [[Film/AceVenturaPetDetective Ray Finkle's room full of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia is vandalized, memorabilia]], another from WesternAnimation/SouthPark where the Dolphins are killed, killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage where the Dolphins turn the ball over to their opponents]''\\
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* Week One had the entire [[CurbStompBattle Ravens vs Dolphins match]].
to:
* The Ravens/Dolphins matchup does not get the
-->'''Caption''': [[AC:Shitposting United Presents]]\\
[[AC: The Dolphin Killers of Maryland]]\\
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle
'''Sports reporter''': Multiple players got their agents on the phone after today's loss and said "Get us out of here. We want to be traded, we don't want to be part of this effort to tank for Tua Tagovailoa or whoever the Dolphins would take."\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Report: Multiple Dolphins Asked Agents to Demand Trade After Ravens' Blowout Loss]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fin]]\\
'''UT''': You know how you were going to have a long season, Miami? Multiply that length by at least five.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Some fine bullshit you have down there]]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC: Miami Dolphins coach Brian Flores: 'I have a good team']]\\
'''UT''': God this team is trash.
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started 2019 nfl season folder
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[[folder:2019 NFL Season]]
* Week One had the entire [[CurbStompBattle Ravens vs Dolphins match]].
[[/folder]]
* Week One had the entire [[CurbStompBattle Ravens vs Dolphins match]].
[[/folder]]
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* The opening, which shows off several EpicFail moments in sports, namely the Pacers-Pistons brawl, Terrell Owens' [[{{Wangst}} tear-streaked]] "That's my quarterback!" interview, the ball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head for a home run, Vesa Toskala conceding a bouncing shot from 197 feet away, Patrik Štefan failing to even shoot the puck at a completely empty net, and the infamous Butt-Fumble.
to:
* The opening, opening used up to the start of the 2019 NFL season, which shows off several EpicFail moments in sports, namely the Pacers-Pistons brawl, Terrell Owens' [[{{Wangst}} tear-streaked]] "That's my quarterback!" interview, the ball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head for a home run, Vesa Toskala conceding a bouncing shot from 197 feet away, Patrik Štefan failing to even shoot the puck at a completely empty net, and the infamous Butt-Fumble.
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Migrating from main Funny/ page.
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[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:In General]]
* The opening, which shows off several EpicFail moments in sports, namely the Pacers-Pistons brawl, Terrell Owens' [[{{Wangst}} tear-streaked]] "That's my quarterback!" interview, the ball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head for a home run, Vesa Toskala conceding a bouncing shot from 197 feet away, Patrik Štefan failing to even shoot the puck at a completely empty net, and the infamous Butt-Fumble.
* Quarterbacks who have turned into godsends for their teams are treated as if their performances on the field are sacred scriptures ("All rise for testimony from the book of [e.g. Carson Wentz, Jimmy Garoppolo]"), while [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaOcarinaOfTime the "Temple of Time" theme]] plays over the segment.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:2017 NFL Season]]
!![[AC: NFL Week Three]]
* When he gets to the Eagles facing the Giants, he sees how badly the latter are doing as they get shut out until the fourth quarter and take the lead. Buuuuut...
--> '''UT:''' And the Giants are getting their shit kicked in by a divison rival with the same problem that plagued them in past weeks. Just get this game over with so you can call for [=McAdoo's=] head again! ''[cut to fourth quarter as the Giants score a touchdown...]'' ...So you're telling me that the Giants can actually score points on offense now? ''[...and then to them being down 14-7 before scoring another...]'' [[HopeSpot They've come back in the fourth quarter to take the lead?]] Sure, they blew that lead ''[...and then to the score tied at 24 with Jake Elliot about to attempt a 61-yard field goal with 1 second left in regulation.]'', but it's gonna take a ''miracle'' for this game not to go to OT!\\
''[The field goal attempt is successful, making the final score 27-24 Eagles.]''\\
'''UT:''' Holy fucking shit, what a finish. ''[Headline: Sterling Shepard calls out Giants-Eagles catch double standard]'' Maybe now we can actually figure out what the fuck a catch is in this godforsaken league! Sorry Giants, you got screwed.
!![[AC: NFL Week Four]]
* After the Falcons choke a game away to the Buffalo Bills:
--> '''UT:''' Look mommy, I'm a Falcon! ''[choking noises]''
!![[AC: NFL Week Five]]
* With two teams that have gone winless so far in the Chargers and the Giants, Tree wonders who will botch things up worse in this one.
--> '''UT:''' So who the hell thought this match would be against winless teams at the start of the year? Whose magic will allow them to fuck up more? The unmitigated disaster of the home game-less Chargers, or a Giants team that doesn't have enough liquor in the world to ail their woes? Let's see who fate decides to take a shit on today.\\
'''Headlines:''' [[AC:Odell Beckham Jr. to Undergo Season-Ending Surgery on Ankle Injury]]\\
[[AC:Brandon Marshall to have season-ending ankle surgery]]\\
[[AC:Giants lose return man Dwayne Harris for year with broken foot]]\\
[[AC:Sterling Shepard Suffers Ankle Injury vs. Chargers, Reportedly May Miss 2 Weeks]]\\
'''UT:''' Holy fuck, football gods! I know OBJ pissed you off, but to take out the Giants' ENTIRE receiving core?! Isn't losing to the Chargers ''enough'' suffering?! It's been in typical Giants style as of late to rip their fans' hearts out in ridiculous fashion; and this game just upped the goddamn ante ten-fold. FUCK YOU, Spanos.
!![[AC: NFL Week Six]]
* Seeing as the Chargers have lost their first two games both thanks to unsuccessful field goal attempts at the very end of the game, he anticipates the same happening here as they are down by two. And yet, they make the field goal for the win.
--> '''UT:''' [ethereal music plays] Oh my god, they actually made a field goal at the end of a game. Everything I have known has been a lie. The Chargers didn't kick their six fans in the dick again. Fuck you, Spanos.
** And adding further to it is how calmly and nonchalantly he says those three words.
!![[AC: NFL Week Eleven]]
* The Redskins are holding well against the Saints, mounting a 15-point lead 90% of the way through the game. Surely things look promising, right?
-->'''UT''': Well done, Redskins. You are on the brink of upsetting one of the NFC's top teams in the Saints and asserting yourselves as playoff contenders again. Samaje Perine has filled in nicely as running back and the defense has put that potent New Orleans offense in check. Time to watch the world burn again!\\
''[cue the clip from Film/GroundhogDay of Phil Connors' alarm clock going off at 6 am to the sound of Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe"]''\\
'''UT''': ...As Washington sports reinforces its choking stereotype. Tonight's serving, a blown 15-point lead with less than three minutes to go. Seriously, does ''anyone'' on the Redskins know how to make a fucking tackle. The Saints marched all over the Redskins as they blew yet another lead too early! The Saints add to their strong winning streak and show the world their might. At this rate, it only feels like Schadenfreude because of how this organization is run. ''[Headline: Update: Redskins confirm Chris Thompson out for season]'' And have yourselves another Theismann-like injury to a running-back-esque conglaturation. ''[cut to Will Lutz kicking the game-winning field goal]'' Fuck Dan Snyder and the money-making horse he sewed everyone on! ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''
* The Bills have been humiliated two weeks running,[[note]]Torched 34-21 by the Jets in New York in Week 9, eviscerated 47-10 at home by the Saints in Week 10.[[/note]] but have a "home away from home" game against the Chargers in Los Angeles to right the ship. A change to the team roster backfires spectacularly:
-->'''UT''': So Buffalo is on an alarming stretch where they were massacred in their last two games. The problem for the Bills is simple: Tyrod Taylor. It's time for the perennial fucking over of Tyrod as he's benched for fifth round pick Nathan Peterman. ''[Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman, bench Tyrod Taylor"]'' It may be kneejerk, you say, ''[Caption: It had nothing to do with Pegula's meddling, we swear]'' but they're playing the Chargers. Easy test for Nathan, he only threw three incompletions!... Five of those completions went to the opposition. ''In the first half.'' Sean [=McDermott=] and his ''brilliant'' tactics made the league's black sheep look like the '85 Bears. Also doesn't help that the receivers can't fucking catch. That blameless defence was also shredded by LA as well, being completely blown the fuck out yet again and making it quite obvious that their biggest problem was indeed Tyrod Taylor. For those of you keeping track at home, they have now given up 135 points in three games, truly going full Pegula. The decision to bench Tyrod was such a brilliant move that '''they put him back in the game in the second half!''' ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Bills bench Peterman for Tyrod Taylor after 5-INT half]]\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''UT''': FUCK YOU, Spanos.
!![[AC: NFL Week Twelve]]
* The DoubleSubversion of "Fuck You, Spanos!". After the Chargers/Cowboys game, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is given the "fuck you", and the rest of the video plays out as normal... until the Lolcow of The Week, a clip of Chargers punter Drew Kaser [[EpicFail missing the kicking net from three feet away]], at which point:
--> I'm putting this here for three simple words: FUCK YOU SPANOS!
!![[AC:NFL Week Thirteen]]
* The Chiefs go Full Reid against, of all teams, the Buttfumble:
-->'''UT''': Panic mode has set in for the Chiefs. They are desperately throwing everything they've got to right this ship. Andy Reid has finally given up play-calling duties in favor of a timeshare ([[https://twitter.com/RapSheet/status/937331158836219904 sharing duties with Chiefs OC Matt Nagy]]) and Kansas City has summoned a old relic in Darelle Revis to bolster the D. The first item has worked. The Chiefs' offense has returned to form against the Jets. Alex Smith is balling again and Tyreek Hill is humming along as usual. Unfortunately, the defense decided to self immolate like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thích_Quảng_Đức Quang Duc]]. This is a team that has absolutely lost all direction and fell apart to a sneakily good offense in the Jets. They strangled them in the time of possession game and the Chiefs could do nothing. The final drive simply a total collapse for the ages. But there's at least still a chance.\\
''[Alex Smith throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 6 from the New York Jets' 19, with 46 seconds to go. Sirens sound as the pass slides over the Jets' defenders.]''\\
'''UT''': Oh my god, Jesus, they lost to the Jets.\\
''[A clip from ''Film/TheNakedGun'' of Lt. Frank Drebin in front of the exploding fireworks factory, with the Chiefs' logo over Drebin's head]''\\
'''Chiefs!Drebin''': Nothing to see here, please disperse! Nothing to see here!\\
'''Billy Madison''': You blew it!
* A possible turning point in the Derp Era for the NFC half of [=MetLife=] Stadium?
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Giants slumping to 2-10 thanks to a 24-17 loss in Oakland]'' It has happened. [=McAdoo=] has won a power struggle and finally threw Eli off of a cliff for shit that isn't his fault. Manning has officially been benched by the Giants for...\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Giants to bench Eli Manning, start Geno Smith against the Raiders]]\\
'''UT''': ... Geno Smith. Fucking ''really'', man? You want to give your team the best chance to win and you're starting ''Geno?!'' For fuck's sake, the ''Jets'' could have told you how terrible he is! You can't say with a straight face that he is a better option. Were you not paying attention to them when they were in [=MetLife=]? I get if you want to start Davis Webb a few weeks down the road. See what you've got in him. But what the hell is there to see in this, it's ''Geno Smith'', he fucking ''sucks!'' Dude couldn't make a good decision if you bribed him with candy on the sidelines! The Raiders thank you for your ineptitude, as their victory allows them back into the AFC West picture. Fortunately, the Giants had enough of this shit as Ben [=McAdouche=] and Jerry Reese were derped off of the George Washington Bridge for gross incompetence.\\
'''Headline''': ''[over children cheering]'' [[AC:Giants Fire Coach Ben [=McAdoo=] and General Manager Jerry Reese]]\\
'''UT''': Personally, it took too goddamn long to do. The team is now in shatters and looking right in the face of a steep rebuild. Complete disaster of a tenure.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Kinda wanted to see the G-Men fall apart more, though]]
!![[AC:NFL Week Fourteen]]
* On the Eagles clenching the NFC East:
-->'''UT''': [The Eagles] claim the NFC East crown and have locked in a date for postseason football again. However this was PyrrhicVictory, as it comes at a staggering cost...''(SickeningCrunch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Eagles QB Carson Wentz tore his ACL and is out for the year]]\\
'''UT''': ...of Carson Wentz.\\
'''BGM''': [[AC:"Taps"]]\\
''(Cut-in of Nancy Kerrigan being treated by paramedics and wailing out "WHY ME?!" in the wake of being assaulted by Tonya Harding with a tire iron)''\\
'''UT''': It's official; there is no god. ''(A [[AC:"Philadelphia Right Now"]] caption appears next to the cut-in)'' His Messiah has fallen. We are all fucked.
* In response to the Chargers being decent, Tree decides to take a new approach on the OnceAnEpisode gag:
-->'''UT:''' '''[[GratuitousSpanish PUTA MADRE, SPANOS!]]'''
!![[AC:NFL Week Fifteen]]
* When it looks like the Steelers are going to beat the Patriots, UT marks the fuck out. His ecstasy is short-lived...
-->''[Tom Brady completes the first of three consecutive passes to Rob Gronkowski for a total gain of 69 yards, followed by Dion Lewis running the last 8 yards for a touchdown to put the Patriots ahead 27-24 with 56 seconds to go in the fourth quarter]''\\
'''UT''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, great, the Steelers can't cover Gronk at all and are going to lose to ''New England'' again. God ''damn'' it, I was getting interested to see if they could pull it off. I can't bear to watch this happen, just roll over and ''die'' already. ''[the Steelers' [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster runs 69 yards to New England's 10-yard line with 34 seconds left]'' Wait a minute... they're going to do it! ''[getting more and more excited]'' They're going to beat New England! I honestly hadn't prepared for this at all. All of the cynicism was for ''nothing''. They're actually going to fucking do it! ''[as Ben Roethlisberger throws a 10-yard touchdown pass to Jesse James]'' Holy shit! It's going to happen! THEY'RE GOING! IT'S GOING- ''[James grabs the ball out of the air and puts it down in the end zone]''[[note]]Notice the lack of the word "catch" in that description; this will be important later.[[/note]] OH MY GOD! THEY SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! THEY DID IT! THEY'RE GOING TO ANOTHER FUCKING SUPER BOWL! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, YOU FUCKING PATRIOTS!... ''[lapses into incoherent raving]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off]'' [[AC:YINZER MODE ACTIVATED]]\\
'''[[VisualNovel/PhoenixWrightAceAttorney Phoenix Wright]]''': HOLD IT!\\
'''Referee''': After reviewing the play, the receiver in the end zone did not survive the ground. It's an incomplete pass.\\
'''SFX''': Oh NO!\\
'''UT''': What!? '''''WHAT?!''''' WHAT IS THIS FUCKING DEBAUCHERY!? ALL OF THIS TIME AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A FUCKING CATCH IS ANYMORE IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN LEAGUE?!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over slow-motion footage of the incomplete pass]'' [[AC:Technically it's the correct call, but it's a terrible rule. Get rid of it.]]\\
''[test pattern, then back to the game]''\\
'''UT''': Okay, fine. That was bullshit, but there's still a chance to- ''[Roethlisberger passes to Darrius Heyward-Bey for a 3-yard gain]'' why aren't you going for the field goal?\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Seriously, why didn't they go for the field goal?]]\\
'''UT''': Why is this play completely broke- ''[with 9 seconds left on the clock, Roethlisberger tries to pass to Eli Rogers in the end zone, but the ball is intercepted by the Patriots' Duron Harmon, punctuated by [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's]] "NOPE!"]'' OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? THIS IS SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT!... ''[dissolves into {{Angrish}}]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Another great game ruined by NFL regulations]]\\
[[AC:Hope you're proud of a catch changing from week to week]]\\
''[under an NFL logo]'' [[AC:Conglaturation!]]
* The Tennessee Titans have the misfortune to be the losers in the next game in the video, so Tree lets them have it with a savage TheReasonYouSuckSpeech:
-->'''UT''': I am still ''really'' goddamn pissed at the events that have previously occurred. Titans, you get the privilege of my unadulterated ''rage''. Your team is absolutely pathetic. The fact that you are still in playoff contention makes me physically ''ill''. Your offence is anaemic, your defence is substandard, your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Mularkey head coach]] is about ten IQ points away from being ''football'' retarded, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Mariota Mariota]] can't throw the fucking football anymore, your running game is going nowhere, your team fucking sucks a bag of ''chunks'', and you're going to get completely annihilated if you actually ''make'' it to the postseason. Go fuck yourselves, you worthless sacks of shit, and take the full load of losing to the goddamn 49ers like the useless piss stains that you are. ''[as the clock runs out, 49ers kicker Robbie Gould kicks the game-winning field goal]'' Even in Hell, you're still one yard short.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Garoppolo Jimmy G]] looks promising, though]]
* He reminded us just how...off his picks for the NFC were earlier in the year.
-->'''UT''': Please do not attempt to look up my playoff predictions from earlier in the year. You will die of laughter.[[note]]His picks for the NFC East, North, South, and West, respectively were: the NY Giants, the Packers, the Falcons, and the Seahawks, while the Wild Card spots were the Buccaneers and Cowboys. The Giants went 3-13 and the division was won by eventual UsefulNotes/SuperBowl champions, the Eagles; the Vikings took the north, while Green Bay had a lackluster 7-9 record; the Saints won the South; the LA Rams won the West, while the Seahawks' 9-7 record wasn't enough to qualify them due to tie-breakers. The Carolina Panthers and Atlanta Falcons (both from the South) took the two Wild Card slots. So Tree only got one of his predictions right...and only gets half credit for it since he predicted the Falcons to take the division and not the Wild Card.[[/note]]
!![[AC:NFL Week Sixteen]]
* With their season on the line, the Cowboys host a Christmas Eve showing against the Seahawks, but things don't exactly go as they'd hoped:
-->'''UT''': Dallas, it turns out you have TWO gifts under the tree this year! First you have received overgrown Ewok Zeke Elliot back for a crucial playoff game. The Cowboys are feeding him the ball without prejudice. Which leads us to your second gift: it's a yearly calendar. With a guy choking as the picture for January. January came early for Jerryworld today! Prepare yourselves for one of our LOLCOWS OF THE WEEK! Let's begin with a fumble by Dez Bryant, when Dallas is driving and leads to a Seattle score. Follow this up with a terrible throw by Dak Prescott leading to an easy pick-six for the Seahawks. Throughout the game, Seattle was ''desperately'' trying to give you a win with an inept offense, but you swatted it away like Dikembe with more interceptions like this. ''[Caption: DEZ = ELITE]'' Then, it was the defense's turn. Desperately needing a stop, they allowed an offense stuck in quicksand to gain traction and willingly lied on the ground to get run over by them! Then the choking commenced. Dallas makes it to the red zone, only to be charged with the holding penalty and another sack. It became a gimme shot for the sure-footed Dan Bailey. ...And he misses a 34-yard field goal. ''[Caption: YOU SURE THIS GUY STILL ISN'T INJURED?]'' One desperation challenge by Jason Garrett later, they still have a chance. The Cowboys are charging and need two scores to get back into the game. Dan Bailey returns for revenge... ''[laughing as...]'' AND MISSES ANOTHER FIELD GOAL!!! ''[The Film/BillyMadison "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears four times]'' HOW'S ROGER GOODELL'S ASS TASTE, JERRY?! EAT THAT, PLAYOFF ELIMINATION ON THE SCOREBOARD, YOU FUCK! ''[the "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears three times in unison]''
!![[AC:NFL Week Seventeen]]
* Tree's pessimism on the Eagles' chances in the playoffs, while justified due to Nick Foles' poor performance in his quarter against the Cowboys and the Eagles being shut out by said team, is [[HilariousInHindsight even funnier]] after the Eagles won that season's Super Bowl.
* It's time to celebrate for the Browns...
-->'''UT''': YOU DID IT, CLEVELAND! 0-16!!!!!!! ''(cue sounds of children cheering while fireworks and raining money play over footage of the end of ''Film/ReturnOfTheJedi'', all set to [[VideoGame/StreetFighterII Guile's theme]])'' It's your greatest accomplishment since returning to the league. I'm SoProudOfYou guys.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Cleveland Browns keep Hue Jackson amidst worst season ever]]\\
'''UT''': ...wait, you're ''keeping'' Hue Jackson? [[TemptingFate This can't get any more laughable]]...\\
'''SFX''': ''([[VideoGame/SuperMario64 Thwomp hitting the ground]])''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jimmy Haslan sees Hue Jackson going from 0-16 goat to future hero]]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Browns GM states that anything less than winning the AFC North next year is "unacceptable"]]\\
'''UT''': ''(riotous, derisive laughter)''
* The Chargers end their season with a win over the Raiders, but even with a 9-7 record, they miss out on the playoffs due to the NFL's tiebreaking procedures.[[note]]The Chargers would have needed a loss by the Chiefs to make the Wild Card.[[/note]] Tree is so happy that he breaks out in song:
-->'''UT''': ''[To the tune of Beethoven's Ode to Joy]''\\
Fuck you Spanos, fuck you Spanos\\
Fuck you Spanos, in the ass\\
"Fight for LA" is disastrous\\
Be forced back to San Diego.
* His rant at the miracle end of the Ravens-Bengals game (a Hail Mary pass from Andy Dalton to Tyler Boyd on a 4th and 12 with less than a minute left gave the Bengals a 31-27 win), which ended the Bills' 17 year long playoff drought.
-->'''UT''': HOLY BUTT-FUCKING CHRIST! YOU FUCKING BLEW IT! You bungled this game so much that Marvin Lewis is cringing in disgust. Somewhere Art Modell's grave is being pissed on ''[Caption: REALLY? HOW DO YOU BLOW A 4TH AND 12 WITH PLAYOFFS ON THE LINE?]'' and Yinzers everywhere are jerking off to your failure. The Ravens were a shoo-in and they made Cincinnati's misery look like a bad day. This is where being in a division with Cleveland kills you. Baltimore has missed the playoffs via tie-breaker.
-->'''SFX''': ''(Gunshot sound)''
-->'''UT''': Hey Mr. Harbaugh, perhaps instead of whining about the game time you can [[SkewedPriorities prepare your team to hold a fucking lead!]] Heads need to roll! The staff deserves the Gerard Gallant treatment, throw their asses under the street for this failure! It won't happen though, Baltimore is too "classy". [[PrecisionFStrike Go fuck yourselves!]] Elite QB, my black ass! So if Baltimore is out, that means...oh my god, it happened. ''(Footage of the Bills players celebrating)'' The Bills have made the playoffs. The walking mediocrity will be playing postseason football for the first time in this millennium. We have witnessed history once again. Buffalo will something to look forward to besides shit-loads of snow and broken tables. This is a special day. Bengals, you have done something good in this world for once. Now get yourselves a new coach and overhaul that-
-->'''SFX''': ''(RecordNeedleScratch)''
-->'''Headline''': [[AC: Marvin Lewis Stays With Bengals On Two Year Contract]]
-->'''UT:''' You extended Marvin Lewis. (''Cue the dumpster fire GIF and the Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm theme.'') [[YouHaveGOTToBeKiddingMe You extended Marvin Lewis. I don't even need to mock this in any way, it does it to itself.]] THE BUNGLES EXTENDED MARVIN LEWIS!!! Can Mike Brown fucking die already?! Like, please, did he see the shitshow in Cleveland and get jealous of it? In what world does someone think that Marvin Lewis was doing a good job?! The Bungles got the last Bungle after all. Fuck this team!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:2018 NFL Season]]
!![[AC:NFL Week One (2018 Season)]]
* ''One game'' into the 2018 NFL season and they're already showing reruns...
-->''[Jay Ajayi runs the last yard for a touchdown to give the Eagles a 10-6 lead over the Falcons]''\\
'''UT''': The first game of the season begins with a flurry of ineffective offenses and total boredom - at least until the end of the game. Literally a carbon copy of the NFC Divisional Playoff fracas. Begin the redemption of Steve Sarkisian! ''[with the score 18-12 to Philadelphia, Matt Ryan passes to Mohamed Sanu for a 10-yard gain; the Falcons have a first down on the Eagles' 10-yard line with 23 seconds left. Sound of a beer can being opened and poured into a glass]'' I see. Time for a lesson in the drunken offense.\\
'''Caption''': ''[''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Time's running out!" music]'' [[AC:Steve Sarkisian's Drunken Goalline Offense]]\\
'''UT''': ''[with captions echoing his first two sentences]'' Play one - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play two - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play three - yet another five wideout set, incomplete pass.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Play three - Getting repetitive, isn't it?]]\\
'''UT''': Play four - lather, rinse, and repeat with a five wideout set.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Play four - When in doubt, bash your head against the wall]]\\
'''UT''': ''[but this time, the Eagles incur a 5-yard penalty, and the Falcons get another first down on the 5-yard line]'' You even got an extra play!\\
'''Caption''': ''[ding!]'' [[AC:Play five - Pray Julio makes an impossible play]]\\
'''UT''': In which they go to a five wideout set and - yes - an incomplete pass. Conglaturation, you inebriated bastard, you've learned ''nothing''. I just feel like this could have been avoided somehow. ''[flashback to the first quarter with the Falcons on a fourth down on the Eagles' 1-yard line; their run attempt results in a 1-yard loss]'' Fourth down on the goal line in the first quarter. Hmm...\\
'''[[VideoGame/FarCry3 Vaas]]''': [[RunningGag Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity...]]
* With the Bills fresh from their first playoff appearance since the 1990s and a newly-drafted [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Allen_(quarterback) quarterback]] in their ranks, fan optimism is running high. Then they go to Baltimore...
-->'''UT''': I'm trying a new device on the site called the Buffalo Optimism Meter. ''[a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter" appears in the top left]'' May need to work out the kinks, like the Bills do, but it's safe for launch. So far fan optimism is at 100% ''["100%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' after returning to the playoffs and drafting the QB of the future. The Bills choose as their Week 1 starter... Nathan Peterman. ''[Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman at quarterback against Ravens ahead of rookie Josh Allen"]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:60%]]\\
'''UT''': Don't worry, it's not going to be a shitshow like his start last year was...[[note]]See "This Week in Sportsball: NFL Week Eleven" from 2017 for details.[[/note]] it's even worse.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:20%]]\\
'''UT''': The entire fucking offence grinds to a halt as Petermeme and his mediocre compatriots are foiled at every turn. 33 yards of total offence in the first half. ''[Headline: "Nathan Peterman had a quarterback rating of 0.0"]'' You know it's awful when your QB rating is absolute ''zero''.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-20%]]\\
'''UT''': As for the D... skinned alive like a fish in the Chesapeake. Torched and charred by Jumbo Joe Flacco and the Checkdown Circus... ''47 points''[='=] worth of it.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-90%]]\\
'''UT''': It goes so horribly that Petermeme is benched for first-round pick Josh Allen. ''[Headline: "Bills Bench Starting QB Nathan Peterman in Favor of Josh Allen Against Ravens"]'' It is a tremendous upgrade from "cataclysmically horrific" to "simply trash".\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[ding!]'' [[AC:-80%]]\\
'''UT''': This is when Bills fans realise their best QB... is still Andy Dalton.[[note]]See "NFL Week Seventeen" from 2017 for an explanation of why Dalton is the Bills' best quarterback despite playing for the Bengals.[[/note]]\\
'''Buffa[[TakeThat lol]] Optimism Meter''': ''[scream of horror]'' [[AC:[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_City_Miracle Music City Miracle]]]] ''[[[VideoGame/MortalKombat3 Shao Kahn laughs]]]''\\
'''UT''': Perhaps trading A.J. [=McCarron=] to the Raiders ''wasn't'' such a good idea after all, huh.
* As the Saints host the Buccaneers, Tree's ability to jinx teams by forecasting success for them proves to be alive and well:
-->'''UT''': This shouldn't be too hard of a challenge for the Saints. They're up against the black sheep of the NFC South and are down their [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameis_Winston starting quarterback]] for crimes against Uber drivers.[[note]]Winston was suspended for the first three games of the 2018 season for groping a female Uber driver in 2016.[[/note]] Their defence should be up to the task as the Buccaneers make a complete mockery of whatever the fuck their secondary was supposed to be ''[his tone gradually shifts to sickened disbelief]'' and the offence does their best to cough up the ball at every turn you fucking ''serious'' right now, Saints!? You do realise you gave up over 400 yards' passing to ''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Fitzpatrick Fitzception]]''. God damn it, this team has to be cursed. A golden opportunity for a win and you do ''that''. The ''fuck'' could have caused this?\\
''[harp glissando as the screen shifts to black and white, with a ripple effect on the video]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Several days earlier on NFL prediction stream...]]\\
''[clip from a livestream hosted by Five Points Vids with Tree and [=ThatsGoodSports=] as guests, all giving their predictions for the 2018 NFL season; they are giving their picks for the NFC Championship Game winner, with TGS having picked the Rams]''\\
'''FPV''': Mr. Tree.\\
'''UT''': Ooh. This is a tough one because there are a lot of high-end teams... I'm gonna go Saints.\\
'''FPV''': Ho-ly ''geez'', wow! ''[enters the prediction into the spreadsheet]'' That's uh, some avant-garde shit right there.\\
'''UT''': This is their year to do it, this is it for them![[note]]He also picked them to win Super Bowl LIII.[[/note]]\\
''[back in the present, the Saints slump to a 48-40 loss]''\\
'''UT''': That video is obviously fake news, I would never make such a statement about a football team I can't back up!
* In the season premiere of "Days of Our Steelers", Tree makes light of Le'Veon Bell's contract standoff and practice no-shows, which culminates in Pittsburgh ''ending the Browns' losing streak''. With a tie rather than a loss, but this just allows for clips from the final scene of the ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' episode "Lisa on Ice", including Homer wailing "They're ''both losers!'' LOSERS!".
* The Jets start the season by demolishing the Lions 48-17 - but the game doesn't start well for them...
-->'''UT''': Meet the saviour of New York football in [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Darnold Sam Darnold!]] ''[on the first play of the game, Darnold throws a pass which is intercepted by the Lions' Quandre Diggs and run back 37 yards for a touchdown]'' Hold on, wrong footage, let's try this again.\\
''[Test Pattern]''
!![[AC:NFL Week Three (2018)]]
* A miraculous event, not seen since Christmas Eve 2016...
-->'''UT''': Thursday Night Football games are ''much'' more exciting and competitive, the NFL tells us! As they serenade us with lullabies of good football, they slip in ''this'' damn roofie of Jets versus Browns. Such a wonderfully appalling game where both teams do their best to put us to sleep and the Jets coast to an early lead. But then... a miracle happened. The Jets, learning nothing from their escapades from [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drew_Bledsoe Drew Bledsoe,]] butt-fumbled by injuring Tyrod Taylor. ''[Headline: "Browns' Tyrod Taylor knocked out of Jets game with concussion"]'' Enter the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker_Mayfield cocky son of a bitch]] from Oklahoma. Look at him sling the ball in ways Tyrod can't! The Browns offence is somehow moving, their kicker ''isn't'' injured and can kick accurately. ''[Headline: "Hue Jackson didn't know Zane Gonzalez was kicking while injured Sunday"]'' Cleveland is legitimately the most excited about the Browns for the first time since 1999. In ways that shock even the football gods, the Browns pull ahead as the Jets proceed to butt-fumble this game like many before them. ''[Carlos Hyde runs the final yard for a touchdown that gives Cleveland a 21-17 lead; [[Music/LudwigVanBeethoven "Ode to Joy"]] begins playing in the background, while Tree affects his "Brass Bonanza" voice]'' [-CLEVELAND! YOU'VE DONE IT! YOU'VE WON A GAME!-]\\
'''Caption''': ''[flashing as children cheer]'' [[AC:Conglaturation!]] ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': It's like the druggie taking his first steps toward clean living. ''[over scenes of Browns fans celebrating the win]'' It's fucking ''stunning''. Legend has it that Baker Mayfield fathered at least thirty children on this night. Cleveland, a reward awaits: open the water supply! ''[in a Browns fan bar, the free beer reserved for team wins is finally passed around]''
* And elsewhere, another miracle as one team completely upends expectations and another somehow reverts to them...
-->'''UT''': You can at least pretend to comfort yourselves by saying that you aren't Buffalo. Straight fucking trash disguised as a football team marching to their deaths against the New Age Purple People Eaters and their new kicker Dan Bailey. ''[Headline: "Vikings cut Daniel Carlson, will sign Dan Bailey"]'' This is gonna be an outright massacre. Let's watch as they feast on the helpless villagers and pillage them of everything of value. I will vicariously enjoy this. ''[RecordNeedleScratch; the Bills have raced to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter]'' Wait a minute, wha?? The ''Bills'' are the ones doing the massacring!? Did the Vikings imitate their modern Swedish counterparts or something? There's playing down to your competition and then there's digging hundreds of feet beneath them. Josh Allen carried that torch and used your intestines as its lighting fuel.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Green Bay's top searched video on Pornhub, Week of Sept. 23 2018]]\\
'''UT''': Was your team in fucking ''Wisconsin'' for the game or something? ''[an image appears of the Bills' official Twitter account announcing "Your Bills have arrived." with a graphic of a journey from Buffalo to... western Wisconsin, to which the Vikings' official Twitter account snarks, "Can't get anything by us, @buffalobills. We actually play in the other Minnesota."]'' Jesus ''Christ'', no wonder why this team can't win anything worth a damn. They're being routed by a place where there's nothing better to do but fuck like jackrabbits!\\
'''Headline:''' [[AC:Jordan Matthews on Buffalo baby: 'Nothing to do there except each other']]\\
'''Caption:''' [[AC:Condoms, Jordan...]]
!![[AC:NFL Week Four (2018)]]
* With Buffalo fresh from their upset win over Minnesota, Tree brings back the Buffalo Optimism Meter for their trip to Green Bay. It breaks again almost immediately...
-->'''UT''': I'm gonna try and bring out the Buffalo Optimism Meter once again. ''[a Bills logo with the Caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0" appears in the top right]'' They are back to a relatively healthy 60% ''["60%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' after a stunning and impressive victory over Minnesota in the 'dome. Now they fly to the ''[[CallBack real]]'' Wisconsin to face the Packarena. That would be optimistic, there is no such thing in this league.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:10%]]\\
'''UT''': Buffalo is dominated in every way, shape, and/or form against a team with a bunch of question marks on it.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-20%]]\\
'''UT''': And this wasn't because of Aaron Rodgers, it was thanks to the Packers' D.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-80%]]\\
'''UT''': You do realise this defence isn't that good, right.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:[[INeedAFreakingDrink Bars are open until 4am]]]]\\
'''UT''': Josh Allen returned to being a rookie and the Optimism Meter crashed again.\\
'''What is Optimism? Buffa[[CallBack lol]] Pegulas''': ''[LosingHorns]'' [[AC:[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Norwood Scott Norwood]]]]\\
'''UT''': Back to the R&D department...
!![[AC:NFL Week Six (2018)]]
* Even without Ben [=McAdoo=], the Derp in New York is as strong as ever...
-->'''UT''': ''[as the Derp Song plays in the background]'' This has been the year where a lot of precious memes have died, but some grow ever stronger. The legend of the Derp is a thriving specimen. Mix in total annihilation[[note]]34-13, to be exact.[[/note]] at the hands of an Eagles team eager to make an example of someone, the wasted talents of Saquon Barkley, and the cutting of a certain turnstile ''[Headline: Giants cut Ereck Flowers]'' ''[Caption: Holy shit they did it]'' that will not be named helped to bring this pot to a boil. ''[over footage of Odell Beckham Jr. attacking a giant electric fan on the touchline to vent his frustration]'' The seasoning for this wonderous feast of Derp will be the salt of Odell Beckham, who has seen what Antonio Brown has been doing and has decided he wants to be the best in ''that'' regard as well. ''[Headline: Giants owner wants Odell Beckham to make headlines on field]'' One of these days the Giants will realise that Eli Manning should have been retired to pasture years ago, but the G-Men still need to pretend they are playoff contenders. In some Connecticut middle school, Ben [=McAdoo=] is pleasuring himself to his correct assumption on the Derp master. The ride never ends, boys...
* Another new version of the Buffalo Optimism Meter is rolled out after the Bills' shock win over the Titans in Week 5. In Week 6, the Bills go to Houston, and...
-->'''UT''': Last we checked in on the Bills, ''[a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0" appears in the top right]'' the Buffalo Optimism Meter was re-introduced at... let's say 20%. ''["20%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' They held on for victory at home last week and are facing another team with glaring flaws. So far the result of this game has been... more offensive ineptitude.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-40%]]\\
'''UT''': Despite the Texans continuing to trip over themselves like a toddler and the defence doing their part, the Bills can't do anything of note besides a few field goals.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-60%]]\\
'''UT''': When you think it can't get worse... ''[Headline: Josh Allen won't play against Colts because of elbow injury]'' Josh Allen gets injured.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-150%]]\\
'''UT''': Enter the return of... Petermeme.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[yell of agony]'' [[AC:Where's [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._P._Losman J.P. Losman's]] number?]]\\
'''UT''': He bumbles around to give Buffalo the... lead, what the hell?\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[ding!]'' [[AC:[[HopeSpot Why do I have a half-chub?]]]]\\
'''UT''': Am I seeing reality? The Bills might win it... oh my glorious God. ''[Peterman attempts a pass with just over a minute left, but the pass is intercepted by Jonathan Joseph and run back for a touchdown; 20-13 Texans]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''["Oh NO!"]'' [[AC:Full Petermeme]]\\
[[AC:Liquor drought in the region]]\\
''[explosion]'' [[AC:Optimism? Buffa[[RunningGag lol]]? A foolish proposition!]]\\
'''UT''': The more things change, the more they stay the same. ''[''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "lose a life" jingle]'' Better luck next time, Buffalol!
* The Bears have taken to Miami for a showdown with the Dolphins, who are starting a quarterback not expected, and things get ugly fast.
-->'''Headline''': [[AC:Tannehill inactive, Osweiler starts for Dolphins]]\\
'''UT''': Oh god, you can't be fucking serious. The Dolphins are starting '''''BROCK OSWEILER?!?!''''' ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Houston Texans Cry in Their Sleep"]] [[note]]At each of these intermissions, music from ''Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia'' plays.[[/note]]\\
''[Cut to the first half almost over...]''\\
'''UT''': The game is so far going as everyone expects it to. Brock Osweiler is playing like shit and da Bears have the lead. ''[...and then seven minutes remaining in the third quarter]'' It doesn't matter that the offense can't convert into premium results, you're playing Osweiler. This shouldn't be hard.\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Bears Experience Brocktober"]]\\
''[Cut to a bit over nine minutes remaining in the fourth quarter with the Bears up 21-13...]''\\
'''UT''': This is when that vaunted front seven of the Bears can't do anything against Osweiler ''[...and then with the Bears up 28-21 with a bit over three minutes to go...]'' or an offensive line injured to shit and the Dolphins tie the game up. Throughout the Windy City, panic and uncertainty begin to set in. How the fuck are they choking up like this?! ''[...and then to the game a little less than three minutes into overtime.]'' Why are the Dolphins marching against that D? Why are they on the goddamn 1-yard line?!\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Dolphins Lose Echolocation"]]\\
''[Cut to the game almost halfway through overtime...]''\\
'''UT''': Miami then realizes they have narratives to maintain and choke everything to shit on the fucking 1-yard line. ''[...and then with less than four minutes remaining.]'' What a shocker, the Dolphins are going to blow it now! What higher power can fuck this up for the Bears?!\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Bears Get [=McCaskey=]'d"]]\\
''[Cut to the Bears attempting a game-winning field goal with two minutes left, to no avail]''\\
'''UT''': How many times are these teams going to try to lose this game?! Can we somehow give both of these teams losses?! Neither deserve to win this shit fest! Oh lord, another field goal try. I pray he misses, a tie would be fitting.\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"Miami Keeps the Laces Out"]]\\
''[Cut to Jason Sanders kicking a 47-yard game winning field goal as time expires.]''\\
'''UT''': Conglaturation, Dolphins, you failed less than the Bears today.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Why the hell aren't the Bears 5-0 right now?]]\\
'''UT''': Take this undeserved win and get the fuck out of my face! ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''\\
!![[AC:NFL Week Ten (2018)]]
* The Lions' hopes for a good season are dashed by a 34-22 shellacking in Chicago. And, as Tree reveals, Detroit's basketball, hockey, and baseball fans have just as much cause for pessimism...
-->'''UT''': You think it couldn't get worse for you, Detroit, didja. Aw, look at how they think they had a chance at 10-6 this year, that's cute. Here comes the airplane known as Khalil Mack to smash your teeth in and put you back in the infirmary! Soldier Field was a slaughtering ground! A slaughtering of any hope that the Lions may have had for this season. Unless they win out, Detroit is ''done''. Even then, it may not be enough. Don't worry though, guys, even though you got routed by Chicago, at least you still have the Pistons.\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Pistons feel Hornets' sting, drop third straight at home]]\\
'''UT''': The Red Wings?\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Red Wings keep sending mixed signals about rebuild]]\\
'''UT''': ''The Tigers!?''\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Tigers remain committed to losing, will not sign big name free agents this offseason]]\\
'''UT''': Your whole city is fucked. Where's Film/{{RoboCop|1987}} when you need him?
!![[AC:NFL Week Twelve (2018)]]
* Four weeks after giving Hue Jackson his long overdue marching orders, the Browns cross Ohio to play the Bengals, whose new "assistant to the head coach" (and ''de facto'' defensive co-ordinator) is... Hue Jackson.[[note]]Making this his ''third'' stint with the Bengals.[[/note]] Cue revenge for two and a half seasons of abject failure:
-->'''UT''': A bittersweet reunion between Hue Jackson and the Browns. Let's remember all the good times... that would be this game. The team that formerly employed Jackson laid into the ever-loving shit against the defence that Hue Jackson now "assists" in running. Conglaturation, Bungles, you have lost your punching bag of the division. They were straight ''annihilated''. Cincinnati gets some prizes too, though.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Report: AJ Green Won't Return for Bengals vs. Browns Due to Toe Injury]]\\
'''UT''': First, an injury taking A.J. Green out of this game, limiting your air attack. Speaking of passing, Andy Dalton's thumb got ''wrecked''.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch and yell of pain]'' [[AC:Bengals QB Andy Dalton suffers thumb injury in loss]]\\
'''UT''': Bow down to a team that hadn't won a road game in over ''three years''. The shade that the Browns were throwing at Hue Jackson all game was [[LaserGuidedKarma delicious karma]]. ''[Browns safety Damarious Randall intercepts a pass from Andy Dalton and sarcastically presents the ball to Jackson on the sidelines]'' It's obvious that he can't lead an organisation and left bad blood in Cleveland.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Baker Mayfield calls Hue Jackson 'fake' after being told to 'grow up']]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Purely savage]]\\
'''UT''': Let's make him our heir apparent to Marvin Lewis!?... ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Hue Jackson could be next in line to be the Bengals' next head coach if Marvin Lewis exits]]\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''UT''': And you wonder why the Bungles are their namesake.
!![[AC:NFL Week Fourteen (2018)]]
* The New England Patriots are about to escape Miami with a win. And then Miami pulls off a miracle.
-->'''UT''': All they have to do is coast to victory.\\
''(Tannehill passes the ball to Kenny Stills, who laterals the ball to [=DeVante=] Parker. Parker then laterals it to Kenyan Drake, who takes off running. As he nears the endzone, the Patriot with the best chance to tackle him is tight end Rob Gronkowski, playing deep in anticipation of a Hail Mary pass)''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:It's an extremely low percentage play. [[TemptingFate No way they pull it off.]]]]\\
'''UT''': There's no way Drake's gonna get past...''Gronk?''\\
'''Caption''': ''(accompanied by RecordNeedleScratch)'' [[AC:Seriously? Gronk?]]\\
''(Gronkowski whiffs on the tackle as Drake runs the ball into the endzone, winning the game for Miami. After this happens, Series/ThePriceIsRight theme plays, fireworks go off and CONGLATURATION! flashes on the screen)''\\
'''UT''': [[SarcasmMode Oh, boo-hoo. The Patriots have to eat shit thanks to choking on Miami's boot again. Quick, let me reach into my bag of fucks to give.]]\\
''(Tree begins to laugh his ass off as the following captions flash on the screen:''\\
[[AC:How do you blow that?]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]]\\
[[AC:Those missed points!]]\\
[[AC:Bad kicking!]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]]\\
''(At this point, Film/BillyMadison screams "YOU BLEW IT!" repeatedly and [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyX Tidus' fake laugh]] is heard over the din. All the while, Tree continues to laugh his ass off)''\\
[[AC:Fucking Gronk!]]\\
[[AC:Glorious Karma!]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]]\\
[[AC:Seriously, why Gronk?]]\\
[[AC:Nobody has sympathy!]]\\
[[AC:Praise the football gods!]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]])\\
'''UT''': I FUCKING '''''LOVE IT!'''''
!![[AC:NFL Week Fifteen (2018)]]
* Things are looking very good for the Chiefs. They're at home against the Chargers, a division rival they haven't lost to since 2013, up 14 over 93% of the way through regulation. And if they win this, they clinch not only the division, but a first round bye in the playoffs. And the Patriots' recent loss from the Miracle in Miami puts Kansas City in prime position to clinch the #1 seed and home-field advantage, too. They just have to pull it together, and it's basically theirs for the taking.
-->'''UT''': It's a narrative unlike any other in the AFC West the Chargers cannot beat Kansas City. The everlasting hype between Hunter Henry and Derek Johnson ''[Caption: THANK YOU, STEPHEN A. SMITH FOR SUCH BRILLIANT ANALYSIS]'' comes to a head for a shot at division supremacy. In the beginning, narratives were safe. The Chiefs were stomping all over their fresh bait with 14 point leads aplenty. A celebration was about to begin at Arrowhead. ''[A graph shows KC having a 99.3% chance of winning]'' Up by two scores with four minutes left in the 99% chance of winning. The wonders of Reid have truly faded! A man of majesty indeed.\\
''[Rivers hands it off to Jackson, who gets into the end zone with 3:49 remaining to make the score 28-21 following an extra point.]''\\
'''UT''': No worries my friends, though. Ram the ball and finish them!\\
''[Facing a 3rd and 13 near their own goal line with 3:25 left, Mahomes is sacked.]''\\
'''UT''': Gods, it's happening again. Prepare the bunkers, everyone! ''[a siren blares in the background]'' The Chiefs are buckling and their defense is smoldering plastic! Full Reid has awoken from dormancy! The Diamond Dogs give zero fucks as the women and children are crying in the corner! If you have a God, pray to it now!\\
''[Rivers makes a pass to Michael Williams to put them up 28-27 with four seconds left.]''\\
'''UT''': Prepare the bunkers again! ''[the sirens get more extreme]'' Angry Chiefs fans are coming to bitch about refball! ''[Caption: NICE "PENALTY"]'' Even though their fourth touchdown drive ''[Caption: "HOLDING PENALTY"]'' was aided by bad calls and they missed a plate and helmet to helmet head on Rivers ''[Caption: THE NFL CARES SO MUCH ABOUT PLAYERS SAFETY, DON'T THEY?]'', so the incompetence was equal opportunity. ''[Caption: THE SIMULTANEOUS REACTION OF EVERY CHIEFS FAN IN ATTENDANCE, over a frame of Orlando Scandrick looking stunned]'' And the Chargers aren't wasting time, they're going straight for the kill. I know I'm conservative was going for two, but here? Do it. ''[Caption: THAT KINDA SEEMS LIKE A PUSHOFF. As the replay shows Williams in a pushoff against one of the Chargers defenders]'' Make us laugh at failure yet again!\\
''[The 2-point pass is easily made, putting the Chargers up 29-28, which would be the final score. Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''\\
'''UT''': The Chargers have cojones of titanium. ''[Caption: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THESE REFS ARE FUCKING ATROCIOUS FOR BOTH SIDES]'' Walking on water and silencing their enemies with another comeback! Narratives die ''[Caption: BOB SUTTON'S SECONDARY, EVERYONE!, showing an aerial view of the attempt.]'' as Rivers probably has a few more kids as a result. And there's also a playoff berth in here somewhere, too.\\
[[AC:Los Angeles Chargers: Playoff bound!]] ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': Don't worry too much, Chiefs, at least you guys still control your own destiny. ''[Mr. Kincade from the WesternAnimation/SouthPark episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!"]'' You're gonna blow this, aren't you.
* Entering a matchup between the Raiders who could be Las Vegas bound soon, and the Bengals, who got off to a great start for the season but have since floundered massively, it's a Tank Bowl! But things get weird. ''Really'' weird.
-->'''UT''': Another Tank Bowl? How many of them are there going to be this week?![[note]]This episode had two more before it, Tank Bowl XII with the Cardinals and Falcons, and XIII with the Lions and Bills. Tank Bowl XV between the Redskins and the Jaguars appears later in the video.[[/note]]\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a shortened version of "Roundball Rock"]'' [[AC: TANK BOWL XIV: Raiders vs Bengals]]\\
'''UT''': Yeah, I think this joke is running on high mileage at this point. Oakland, I know it's been a rough year for you but let's check the news; maybe something good happened to you after that win against Pittsburgh. Well, you fired your GM Reggie [=McKenzie=] ''[Headline: Reggie [=McKenzie=] out as Raiders General Manager]'' after he lost his power struggle, unsurprising. The city of Oakland is suing you and the NFL ''[Headline: City of Oakland Suing NFL over Raiders' move to Las Vegas]''; that's always a sign of goodwill. This also means you could be thrown out of the city ''[Headline: Where Will The Oakland Raiders Call Home In 2019?]'' and have to scramble for a new home next year; fun times. ''[Headline: Amari Cooper Says Mark Davis, Not Jon Gruden, Wanted To Trade Star WR]'' Here's Amari Cooper saying that Jon Gruden ''wasn't'' the one that got him traded; I need popcorn for this saga. And ah yes ''[Headline: Martavis Bryant Suspended Indefinitely by NFL for Substance Abuse Violation]'', Martavis Bryant got suspended indefinitely because he can't stop smoking weed, more good news. On the field, yeah, you got your shit kicked in by a broken team because your idea of stopping Joe Mixon was letting him run free in the hopes that he'd run out of batteries. Take this complimentary loss as ''[Caption: MIGHT AS WELL CLOSE OFF THE UPPER BOWLS FOR THIS GAME, and shows a picture of the top stands mostly empty]'' nobody bothered to show up to the stadium to even SEE your ass-kicking. Cincy wins the game and they also win another prize: playoff elimination!\\
[[AC: Cincinnati Bengals: Eliminated!]] ''[StockScream is used as a black spit is thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Do you guys remember when the Bungles were 4-1? Seems like it's in a different age when you look back on it. You got exposed and your answer is probably going to be Hue Jackson or more Marvin Lewis. You guys are fucked. Have a nice life!
* With the defending champions hanging on by a thread after a disappointing season sweep courtesy of the Cowboys, their next stop is Los Angeles for a showdown with a Rams team that they're expected to get demolished by. Things go FromBadToWorse with Carson Wentz suffering a back injury that basically has him out for the season. No way can Nick Foles bring them back again. Right?
-->'''UT''': The Eagles are dealing with panic yet again. They're gingerly straddling the lines of playoff elimination. Even worse, their former lord and savior Carson Wentz is dealing with an injury and may not return this season. ''[Headlines: Carson Wentz has back injury that could shut him down for season / Nick Foles To Start Sunday's Game Against Rams Due To Carson Wentz's Injury]'' Re-enter the legend of Philadelphia. '''BIG. DICK. NICK.''' His mythos is continuing in the hostile territory of the Rams with another strong performance. ''[Headline: Eagles news: The Rams are preparing for Eagles fans to invade their home stadium]'' I'd like to believe that's why a swath of Eagles fans made the trek to LA to cheer them on. Hell, his magic even affected the Rams' offense. Jared Goff, this is not the time to revert to rookie form. You have a #1 seed to try and shoot for!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Jeff Fisher must be in the stands.]]\\
'''UT''': The only thing he's shooting is his own ass! Even then, the Eagles have loved themselves a good collapse this year. They're ready to bend over and take a painful colonoscopy of a loss!\\
''[The final play of the game is Goff throwing from the Eagles' 18-yard line for the end zone, but the pass falls incomplete as time expires, making the final score 30-23 Eagles.]''\\
'''UT''': The Rams are now stunned on the ground only mumbling the word "Foles". I think Philly's doing this shit on purpose!
!![[AC:NFL Week Seventeen (2018)]]
* The Eagles go to Washington with the postseason on the line; a win, coupled with a Vikings defeat at home to the Bears, will net Philadelphia the final NFC Wild Card spot. Luckily, the Redskins are at a disadvantage which Tree decides merits an award:
-->'''UT''': First, the Eagles have to take care of their own business against a team probably starting the ball boy and a few janitors at this point. Redskins, your season may have fallen to shit faster than the Aztec Empire, but you can at least take home one award: the Injury Bowl.\\
''[with a SickeningCrunch and yell of agony, the "YOU'RE WINNER !" trophy from ''VideoGame/BigRigsOverTheRoadRacing'' appears on screen... its stem broken in half]''\\
'''UT''': Just be careful with it, it's fragile.
* With the NFC's playoff picture all wrapped up, now it's to the AFC, where two AFC South teams are competing for the last slot. And Pittsburgh hoping for an absurdity.
-->[[AC: AFC Sixth Battle Plan: Tennessee - Win and in / Indianapolis - Win and in / Pittsburgh - Ten/Ind tie and in]]\\
'''UT''': As for the final playoff spot available, it's simple between the Colts and Titans as they play each other: win or go home. If they somehow tie, the Steelers end up clinching the sixth seed. Knowing everything, Pittsburgh's getting this spot, aren't they. ''[cut to the game]'' If so, it's going to be harder for them as Marcus Mariota will NOT be playing this week. ''[Headline: Marcus Mariota out vs. Colts; stinger puts QB's long-term throwing ability at risk]'' Turns out that stinger he suffered was more severe than once thought ''[Headline: Marcus Mariota reportedly at risk of permanently damaging his shoulder]'' and he may risk permanent damage if he tries to tough it out. Thus, Tennessee must rely on their new golden goose in Blaine Fucking Gabbert.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC: This is the sound when all hope dies]]\\
'''UT''': Oh boy. If anything, at least Indianapolis is impaling themselves on the same pike repeatedly by means of turnovers and penalties. This game is somewhat competitive despite the Colts dominating the stats sheet. Tennessee still has a chance. And honestly, that's all they need.\\
''[Almost 85% of the way through the game with the Titans down 17-24, Gabbert scrambles then throws a pass, only to be intercepted by Colts defensive back Kenny Moore.]''\\
'''UT''': Right, they have Blaine Gabbert as their QB, that'll kill off any optimism. Indianapolis finishes them off and you have another Titans season that's... Do I honestly have to say it?\\
[[AC: Tennessee Titans: Eliminated!]] ''[a throwing up sound can be heard over black spit being thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Too inconsistent. That's what I call the Titans. A team that would smoke the Patriots and then fall to shit against teams like the Bills. That's never a recipe for success, no matter how many times you try to go for 2. Now you wonder if Mariota can stay healthy enough to be the permanent solution! That's never a good question to have. In fact, this is a two for one special! This also cancels the annual march of the Yinzers.\\
[[AC: Pittsburgh Steelers: Eliminated!]] ''[A stock scream from one of the Mortal Kombat games is heard over the black spit being thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Total and utter fucking failures. The entirety of the football world dances. The soap opera reaches an early end. I would grab my axe, but it was lost under the collapse. By process of elimination, the Colts are the last man standing! They have made it back to the playoffs.\\
[[AC: Indianapolis Colts: Playoff bound!]] ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': This is honestly a really goddamn good job by them. From going 1-5 with brutal losses aplenty to rattling off 9 of 10 wins thanks to a resurgent Andrew Luck. Once again, another very interesting team for January.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Days of Our Steelers]]
The drama on and off the field involving the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2018-19 became so all-engulfing that Tree decided to spin off "Days of Our Steelers" from "This Week in Sportsball". Fans of the other 31 NFL teams got a lot of laughs out of the results...
!![[AC:Episode Nine: A High-Speed Poaching]]
* Tree compares the Carolina Panthers' heading into Pittsburgh to take on the Steelers to [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Homer skateboarding over Springfield Gorge]] in "Bart the Daredevil", [[HopeSpot thinking they've got a chance at winning]] after quickly jumping out to a 7-0 lead... before [[CurbStompBattle being blown out 52-21 by the Steelers]].
!![[AC:Episode Twelve: Rivers of Woe]]
* This episode comes hot on the heels of the Steelers losing to the Broncos in Week 12 and looking for redemption at home to the Chargers, and they seem well-placed with a 23-7 lead at half time.[[note]]The Chargers' touchdown drew Steelers fan ire for resulting from a false start that was overlooked by the officials.[[/note]]
** The first signs of trouble occur near the end of the third quarter when the Steelers get in their own way in multiple senses of the phrase as Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers tries to pass to wide receiver Keenan Allen in the end zone:
--->'''UT''': ''["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice]'' Fortunately, the Chargers offence has done nothing against the Steel Curtain all game. The running game is stuffed. The passing lanes are blocked. And Philip Rivers is taking such a beating that he may have a tenth child on the field. ''[Rivers lines up a pass to Allen, but Steelers cornerback Joe Haden is directly in the path of the pass...]'' An easy intercep- ''[... only for free safety Sean Davis to collide with him, knocking him to the ground and allowing Allen to grab the ball for a touchdown]'' ''[breaking character]'' Huh! That's funny! I could have sworn we cut Mike Mitchell in the ''spring!''\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the collision]'' [[AC:Head-hunting: Not even once]]\\
'''UT''': That was an easy fucking interception and one of our ''high draft picks'' comes in with a hit stick and kills our best corner! Now we have to deal with Artie Burns sucking dicks again! ''[Burns completely fails to block Rivers' pass to tight end Antonio Gates for a 2-point conversion]'' Fucking lovely!
** The Chargers score two more touchdowns (with a total of three extra points) as Steelers fans begin attacking Chargers fans and each other in the stands before another Steelers touchdown ties it at 30 with four minutes left. Then... well, let's just say Tree breaks character for the rest of the video:
--->'''UT''': ''["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice]'' All the defence has to do is make a stop with four minutes left. To no-one's surprise, they can't accomplish this goal. ''[Rivers passes through a huge gap in the Steelers' defence to Allen for a 12-yard gain]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Because Zone D has worked so well for this team in these situations...]]\\
'''UT''': Slowly chipping away at the field, the Steeler faithful panics at what could be their fate. Their overconfidence would be shattered. Pants shitting increases twentyfold as they reach field goal range. It will take a miracle for this to continue.\\
''[Chargers kicker Michael Badgley lines up a 39-yard field goal attempt, which goes wide left]''\\
'''UT''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' ''[breaks character]'' [-YES! THEY STILL SUCK! FUCK YOU SPANOS, YOUR KICKER IS- -] ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur a 5-yard penalty for defensive offside]'' [-'''''[[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUUUCK!]]''''' GODDAMN IT, HADEN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS! Now they can kick again!-]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"But he wasn't offsides" ~Steelers fans]]\\
''[Badgley lines up a 34-yard field goal attempt, which is blocked by Steelers cornerback Artie Burns... who is well over the line of scrimmage when the play begins]'' ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur ''another'' 5-yard penalty for defensive offside]''\\
'''UT''': That was so goddamn obvious it's like they're deliberately ''trying'' to cheese the system. Just take them to the goal line at this rate. Good ''God''.\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the offside]'' [[AC:They're trying to force a game glitch. I've seen this too many times.]]\\
''[Badgley lines up a 29-yard field goal attempt, and makes no mistake this time despite another defensive offside by the Steelers. Final score: Chargers 33, Steelers 30]''\\
'''UT''': ''[sarcastically]'' And, of course, they make it. ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen]'' I'm more amazed at Artie Burns. The dude was so offsides he ''missed the kick.''\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the field goal as Burns throws himself onto the ground in front of Badgley before he even gets the ball]'' [[AC:How to fail at imitating "In the Line of Fire"]]\\
'''UT''': You can't cover a geriatric tight end yet ''blaze'' past the holder!? GOD, you fucking suck!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of Burns failing utterly to stop Rivers passing to Gates for a 2-point conversion]'' [[AC:First round pick]]
** Cue another TheReasonYouSuckSpeech from Tree to the Steelers organisation:
--->'''UT''': All I wanted to do was laugh at the Chargers and Spanos for roughly the seventy-third time, but ''nope!'' You guys had to ''fuck it all up!'' The Steelers had a statement win in the palm of their hands and they let it slip away! I know everyone's going to blame the refs, or the long snapper, or the Patriots, or the wind blowing in from the river, but here's reality: great teams finish off their prey, no matter the circumstances! A 16-point lead with the ball at half should have been Game Over. They ''fucking'' blew it. ''[a tweet from ESPN's Twitter account observes that the loss set a record for biggest blown lead by the Steelers at home]'' It's not hard to admit. At the end of the day, that uncalled false start doesn't matter. The refs didn't cause Sean [[MaliciousMisnaming Mitchell]] to level a guy with an easy interception. The refs didn't cause the defence to fail miserably to make any kind of stop. The refs didn't stop the Steelers offence from making ''any'' kind of progress in the second half.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Ben Roethlisberger is sacked for a 10-yard loss while trying to line up a pass]'' [[AC:BRB need to attempt fifty more passes]]\\
'''UT''': The refs didn't force the Steelers to cover the best wide receiver on the other team with ''fucking linebackers'' all game! ''[a tweet from Warren Sharp points out that such tactical blunders are why "the Steelers get owned by the Patriots"]'' Jesus, even Shazier wouldn't have been able to cover Keenan Allen, how the hell do you expect Jon Bostic to!? I'm not pissed that they lost, I'm pissed at the ''way'' they lost. ''[cut to Mike Tomlin holding a press conference]'' Did you see what the Chargers did, Tomlin?!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Call more unnecessary challenges you'll lose, Mike]]\\
'''UT''': It's called "adjusting to your gameplan". You got horribly outcoached by a second-year guy missing his best running back, defensive tackle, and middle linebacker! And you know they aren't going to learn a ''damn'' thing from this! They're just going to blame the refs for their loss and call it a day.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"But muh block in the back" ~Steelers fans]]\\
'''UT''': But while you do that, not only is a first round bye all but out of the question, guess who's snuck behind you again? ''[footage of the Ravens' Week 12 and 13 wins against the Raiders and Falcons, respectively]'' Baltimore. They're a half game back now. You're back in the muck, Steelers. Try thinking you're above everything some more, it's worked ''so'' well for you in the past. [[TemptingFate If they lose to Oakland next week]] I'm going to break some necks. ''[the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears over another replay of the winning field goal]'' It's not like we're dealing with injuries.\\
'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:James Conner injury update: Steelers RB (ankle) ruled out vs. Raiders]]\\
[[AC:Rookie RB Jaylen Samuels Expects to Start Against Raiders]]\\
'''UT''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh boy, now we're starting a converted tight end at running back. Fucking wonderful.
!![[AC:Episode Thirteen: A Tomlin Tradition]]
* "If they lose to Oakland next week I'm going to break some necks," as Tree said after the Chargers' victory at Heinz Field. The metaphorical neck-breaking is as funny as it is merciless.
** With the Ravens, Texans, and Patriots respectively losing to the Chiefs, Colts, and Dolphins, the stage appears to be set for the Steelers moving toward a first round bye with an easy win over the 2-10 Raiders, but they haven't won in Oakland since 1995, and have a tenuous 14-10 lead entering the fourth quarter. As Tree declares "The Steelers are once again playing down to their competition," a caption appears reading [[AC:[[DrinkingGame "There needs to be a drinking meter every time I say that phrase"]]]].
** Ben Roethlisberger spends most of the second half on the sidelines with a vaguely described rib injury, only returning to the field after the Raiders take a 17-14 lead with 5:20 left.
--->'''UT''': ''[out of character, sarcastically]'' Aren't you guys just ''so'' proud? ''[as Raiders quarterback Derek Carr makes a 3-yard touchdown pass to tight end Lee Smith]'' Look at this fucking defence ''bend!''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:They should do more team celebrations for unforced turnovers]][[note]]A poke at the Steelers doing exactly that near the end of the third quarter.[[/note]]\\
'''UT''': Look at them give up insatiable yardage to a team with rookie tackles, faded skill players, and the shattered dreams of what was once a quarterback! They burned ''eight fucking minutes'' on a touchdown drive!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"Underrated defense"]]\\
'''UT''': You couldn't stop ''this'' fucking outfit, are you ''shitting'' me?!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Reason for length of Roethlisberger absence still not entirely clear]]\\
'''UT''': Oh, so ''now'' we see Captain Fat Fuck come into the game! When everything is falling to shit so talent can bail us out again! ''[in character as Roethlisberger passes to [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster for a touchdown, giving the Steelers a 21-17 lead]'' They do. Beautiful talent as far as the eye can see. Even the defence is ''[breaks character]'' doing fucking nothing. They're straight up putting a ''boot'' up their asses. You're seriously trying to tell me that this team was ''prepared!?'' They haven't learned a fucking ''thing!''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Carr passes to wide receiver Seth Roberts for a 39-yard gain]'' [[AC:At least he's not covered by a linebacker?]]\\
'''UT''': I don't think Oakland's going to win, but ''Jesus fuck'', this is horrible!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Two plays. 1:25 off the clock. No timeouts used. Peak Tomlin.]]\\
'''UT''': By the way, can someone ''please'' explain to me how Mike Tomlin still can't manage a game clock!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[after an incomplete pass from Carr to tight end Jared Cook]'' [[AC:Timeout used after incompletion. Inexcusable.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[as Carr passes to tight end Derek Carrier for a touchdown to give the Raiders a 24-21 lead with 21 seconds left, accompanied by a musical sting]'' Jesus Christ, it's going to happen. The Steelers losing a football game to a glorified college team.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:They're being beaten by players auto-generated in Madden. Christ.]]\\
'''UT''': Did they not realise that the Raiders weren't just going to fucking lie down and ''die?!'' But wait - here comes the high end talent!\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Roethlisberger passes to James Washington, who laterals to Smith-Schuster, who is run out of bounds in field goal range]'' [[AC:A random big play out of their ass. Predictable as hell.]]\\
'''WesternAnimation/MightyMouse''': ''[singing]'' Here I come to save the dayyyy!\\
'''UT''': It's going to mask all of their worthless failure in this game and everyone's going to ignore the glaring issues. Just pull off the bullshit already.\\
''[Steelers kicker Chris Boswell lines up a 40-yard field goal attempt, but falls over with a comedy sound effect as the Raiders easily block the kick. Final score: Steelers 21, Raiders 24]''\\
'''Film/BillyMadison''': YOU BLEW IT!!!\\
'''UT''': [[TranquilFury Are you fucking kidding me.]] All that flash and trickery to lose like ''that?'' What the hell happened to Boswell? The dude was fucking automatic last year and now he's treating the field like a water slide!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the missed kick]'' [[AC:Sadly, he will probably be the only one punished for this loss]]\\
''[as Boswell gives a locker room press conference]'' [[AC:Not saying it isn't deserved, though]]\\
'''UT''': Are you sure it wasn't just Switzer with the cleat fuckup? Fucking hell, this team is a joke!
** And so the stage is set for a blistering TheReasonYouSuckSpeech...
--->'''UT''': I can't honestly be shocked or surprised as most of you are. There was a part of my mind thinking that they were going to fuck this up, and ''by God'' they did. The Steelers pull this shit ''every goddamn year''. It's hard to be angry when it's a tradition dating back to the days of Cowher! Even then, the bar's lower than ever. You guys lost to the ''Raiders''. This team has been openly punting the season since August and outright ''dominated'' in most games they've played! You were defeated by the NFL equivalent of [[TakeThat Rutgers!]] A golden opportunity completely ''fucking'' squandered because the team chose to be cocky and arrogant like they always are! ''[footage of Mike Tomlin holding a post-game press conference]'' Twelve years, Tomlin.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:It's obviously fixed with cliches, [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment obviously]]]]\\
'''UT''': Twelve years in this league as a coach and you ''still'' don't know how to manage a fucking game clock! Why didn't you call your last timeout? Why didn't you try ''anything'' different offensively? Why the ''fuck'' can't the defence cover a tight end if their lives depended on it!? What are they going to do against Gronk? Put Vance [=McDonald=] in cover?! Why in the living hell was one of your best offensive weapons on the goddamn ''sideline'' while the offence was struggling!?\\
'''Mike Tomlin''': ... you know, he... got looked at half time, he got... treatment, he came back out, um... we were waitin' to see if he was gonna be able to come back in, he was... um... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Benedict Tomlin handing over West Point to the British, 2018]]\\
'''UT''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' Okay, Tomlin. I'm going to pretend that I did ''not'' hear that, because I could have sworn you just indicted yourself for utter incompetence! So please, let me clear my ears. Explain yourself, Mike.\\
'''Tomlin''': ... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Mike Tomlin suggests Ben Roethlisberger could have returned sooner than he did]]\\
'''Caption''': ''[as a tweet from Ray Fittipaldo appears asking what "rhythm and flow" even means]'' [[AC:Just soak those comments in...]]\\
'''UT''': You have got to be ''fucking'' shitting me. '''What the FUCK kind of reasoning is that!?''' "Rhythm and flow", WHAT GODDAMN FLOW?! I saw a lot of "terrible" and "dogshit" if you can call that a "flow"! That offence had about as much rhythm as a yinzer after fifteen I.C. Lights! This shit is grounds for being fired!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:My bowels have more flow.]]\\
'''UT''': I expect this sort of ineptitude from ''[[TakeThat Hue Jackson]]'', that's how bad this looks. ''[over more footage of Tomlin talking to the press]'' Look at this guy, firing off every cliché in the book about "fundamentals" and "the standard being the standard" and "not living in our fears" because we're going to jump off this ledge into a pile of spikes! This shit all adds up. The overconfidence in your schemes, the way the players are acting, the way ''everyone'' dismissed Oakland as inferior on the team! You looked past your opponent again, didn't you. '''Did you learn ANYTHING from Jacksonville?! How much of a cheerleader are you!?''' At this point you're [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muhammad_Saeed_al-Sahhaf Baghdad Bob]] pretending everything is fine as there's drama coming out of this organisation '''every fucking week!'''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"We're going to look at the tape of the implosion. Also the standard is the standard."]]\\
'''UT''': How the FUCK don't you know if a player has the right fucking cleats before the game!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[over an interview with Ryan Switzer, the player who had the wrong cleats]'' [[AC:This unprepared at a professional level?]]\\
'''UT''': It's a lack of focus to detail, just like '''every other year!''' Now they get to potentially be in the shit with New England and New Orleans coming up! High end talent can't bail you out forever, Mike! Just ask [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_McCarthy_(American_football) the other Mike]] from Green Bay how piggybacking off Aaron Rodgers worked out for him! You better be thankful that the Steelers don't fire coaches or else you'd be out on your ass soon! ''["Days of Our Steelers" title appears]'' This team fucking ''sucks!''\\
'''Headline''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:Mike Tomlin blames Raiders X-ray machine for the delay in getting Ben Roethlisberger back on the field]]\\
'''UT''': A fucking X-ray machine!? ''That's'' your fucking excuse?!\\
''[Test Pattern]''
!![[AC:Episode Fourteen: A Patriot's End]]
* "Yinzer Mode" gets a CallBack when the Steelers defeat the Patriots, something they hadn't done since 2011.
-->''(Steelers are leading, 17-10. Tom Brady throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 15, Steelers take over on downs. "Hallelujah" starts playing in the background)''\\
'''Tree:''' ''(gradually more excited)'' Oh my God... they beat New England. They beat New England. They beat the Patriots. Holy shit, they did it! They beat New England! They beat New England! They did it! They fucking beat New England! They did it!\\
''(Steelers QB takes a knee, Steelers win)''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off]'' [[AC:YINZER MODE ACTIVATED]]\\
'''Tree:''' [-THEY DID IT! THEY BEAT NEW ENGLAND! YEEEEAAAAAH!! OH MY GOD THEY DID IT, THEY BEAT FUCKING NEW ENGLAND! THEY TOOK OUT THOSE FUCKING PATRIOTS! YEEEEEAAAH!!-]
* Throughout the rest of the video, Tree can be heard screaming in the background of his own narration.
!![[AC:Episode Fifteen: Burning in the Bayou]]
* The Steelers and their fanbase don't have much time to enjoy their win against New England. With the Ravens and Titans winning and the Colts coming back against "the Derp", the Steelers will only remain in control of their own destiny with a win in the Superdome. [=SeatGeek=], the sometime sponsors of Tree's videos, even send him to the game in person. The footage recorded live on his phone is captioned "[[AC:Yinzervision 5.7]]". True to form, the game features ridiculous calls by the referees, which does not go uncommented on by either Live Tree or Recording Tree...
-->''[with the Saints on a fourth down, Drew Brees tries a deep pass to Alvin Kamara in the end zone, but the pass is incomplete...]''\\
'''UT''': As Boswell proceeds to make another field goal, the battle continues with ''[... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as the Steelers' Joe Haden is slapped with a pass interference penalty]'' some of the most ''heinous fucking refball'' I've ever seen. How in God's name is ''that'' pass interference!?\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:It has to be the angle from which the ref was looking. Coverage must've looked more aggressive from there.]]\\
'''UT''': And on a 4th and 1!? You trying to make the yinzers justified in their bitching?!\\
'''UT''': ''[live in the Superdome]'' ... I think we can call that refball.\\
'''UT''': ''[narrating]'' My point exactly.
* With the Steelers holding a slender 28-24 lead with four minutes left in the fourth quarter and on a fourth down, they try a fake punt, only for the gamble to backfire - not that they seem to notice...
-->'''UT''': Every yinzer and fleur-de-lis donner is clenching their anuses at what could be their team's fate. As New Orleans finally slows down the offensive train, they punt the ball back.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Running with Rosie Nix. Okay.]]\\
''[the punt formation is a fakeout, and Nix tries to run the ball, but is tackled one yard short of a first down; however, the Steelers start celebrating anyway]''\\
'''UT''': Or they trust the fullback to get five yards... and decided to imitate the Titans.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fucking LOL they're celebrating failure.]]
* The Saints drive down the field, but the Steelers defence puts up a fight... only to become their own worst enemies yet again.
-->'''UT''': Now the Saints have the pigskin in prime territory. The defence does its job to force a fourth down. ''Do it'', Steelers. Make this yinzer heart kindle with flame.\\
''[Brees attempts a pass to Michael Thomas, but the Steelers defence tackles him...]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Holy shit they did it]]\\
''[... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as Haden incurs another pass interference penalty]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:LOL Nope]]
* The Saints take a 31-28 lead with 1:25 left, but high-end talent appears poised to bail the Steelers out as Roethlisberger completes a pass to Antonio Brown for a 19-yard gain, followed by a 14-yard gain courtesy of a pass to [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster. But when Roethlisberger passes to Smith-Schuster again, he fumbles the ball, and the Saints recover it and kneel out the clock to seal the win. Live Tree's dejected reaction is captioned [[AC:Yinzer Mode: Deactivated]].
!![[AC:Episode Sixteen: Judgment Day]]
* With the Ravens beating the Browns to claim the AFC North and the Colts beating the Titans to claim the final Wild Card spot, the Steelers have failed to make the postseason for the first time since 2013. Tree spends most of the video giving the entire Steelers organisation a(nother) merciless TheReasonYouSuckSpeech, with particular vitriol directed toward the featured players in "Days of Our Steelers", including Ben Roethlisberger, Le'Veon Bell, Antonio Brown, and Mike Tomlin. [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster has been spared from his wrath.
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of [=JuJu=] holding his French Bulldog]'' I swear to the holiest of deities, if you fuckers corrupt [=JuJu=] and turn him into an abonimable monster, I will hunt every one of you down and kill you in your sleep!
* And as the video draws to a close, Tree brings the curtain down on another season of wasted opportunity. But someone is waiting in the wings to raise the curtain again...
-->'''UT''': There's only one quote that summarises this team.\\
''[clip of Creator/RobertDeNiro as Lorenzo in ''Film/ABronxTale'' talking to his son, Calogero]''\\
'''Lorenzo''': Remember, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent. You could have all the talent in the world, but if you don't do the right thing, then nothing happens. But when you do right, guess what: good things happen.\\
'''UT''': At the end of the day, that's all this team is. A waste. And it will continue in perpetuity at this rate. ''Nothing'' has shown me that they want to change! With the actions shown, I see nothing but arrogance and the inability to even take a ''shred'' of criticism.\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a screenshot showing that the Steelers blocked Tree on Twitter]'' [[AC:I never directly tweeted at the Steelers]]\\
'''UT''': What they ''can't'' block is that they have no-one to blame but themselves for the predicament they're in. They're becoming more and more of a joke as time passes. And it's going to continue because of stubbornness. ''[the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears]'' See you next year.\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Film/{{Inception}}'' "BWONG"]'' [[AC:Antonio Brown requests trade from Steelers as relationship with team is strained, per report]]\\
'''UT''': [-What the hell do you mean "we're not done"!?-]\\
'''Headline''': ''["BWONG"]'' [[AC:Antonio Brown, James Harrison tease exclusive interview mid-Mike Tomlin press conference]]\\
'''UT''': [-'''WHAT THE FUCK-'''-]\\
''[Test Pattern]''
!![[AC:Episode Seventeen: The Flight of Icarus Brown]]
* As hinted at the end of the previous episode, they're not done; the drama engulfing the Steelers over Antonio Brown's future (or potential lack thereof) with the organisation means new episodes of ''Days of Our Steelers'' are still being produced. Tree opens by venting about having unwanted new material for the series:
-->'''UT''': Can someone please explain to me why I'm doing one of these episodes when a game hasn't been played in over a ''month?'' The players get to rest, why can't the drama!? God damn it, I'm gonna look like such a viewwhore...\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Implying he's not a viewwhore. That's cute.]]
!![[AC:Episonde Eighteen: Mr. Big Chest's Self-Destructive Opus]]
* The drama associated with Antonio Brown leading up to the trade is such that it can only be opened with:
-->'''UT''': Tonight, on ''[[INeedAFreakingDrink Where's My Liquor?]]''...
* In regards to what AB insisted his nickname be:
-->'''UT''': It's time to introduce his new identity to the world: "Mr. Big Chest". ''[VideoGame/AgeOfEmpiresII taunt "Dadgum!"]'' What the hell kind of nickname is that? I can't tell if that's an uninspired kid's show villain or a wrestler opening a house show in Wyoming. Let's wash this out with Le'Veon's new rap album! ''[an excerpt of one of Le'Veon Bell's songs plays]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:He should have called it '$14.5 Million']] ''[Le'Veon's tweet promoting the album's premiere appears]''\\
'''UT''': I regret that decision, much like most of us watching the Cancer bash the Steelers organization this off-season for the sixty-fourth time on a platform with [=LeBron=] James, who knows a thing or two about ripping a city's heart out with a move!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:In before [=LeGM=] trades everyone on the Lakers to get Antonio]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Other Sports]]
!![[AC:NHL Trade Deadline]]
* Tree ends up needing 60 seconds and some ''Film/{{Inception}}'' references to explain what should have been a simple trade:
-->'''Super''': [[AC:The Derick Brassard trade in 60 seconds]]\\
'''UT''': The first act of this trade is simple enough - the Penguins are looking to bolster their depth down the middle and the Senators are planning a major fire sale. The Pens like Derick Brassard. A trade is made, sending a first round pick, prospect Filip Gustavsson and Ian Cole the other way. ''[a Tweet detailing these facts appears on the screen]'' Should be sealed and delivered, right? If it only were that simple. Pittsburgh doesn't have the cap space to take him and Eugene Melnyk is a total cheapass that doesn't want to retain salary. They get everyone's favorite expansion team involved. ''[cue another Tweet detailing this turn]'' Turns out that the NHL doesn't like it one bit and rejects the deal. ''[the Tweet detailing this notes that the teams in question have the option of restructuring the trade to the league's liking]'' Back to the drawing board. What if you were to put a trade, inside of a trade? Prepare yourselves for Tradeception!\\
'''Super''': [[AC:Tradeception!]]\\
'''SFX''': ''Inception'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1khghXRGb6k bwong]]\\
'''UT''': The Knights need assets to make up for the forty percent salary retention. George [=McPhee=] has one request:\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vegas Golden Knights acquire Ryan Reaves and a 2018 fourth round draft pick]]\\
'''UT''': Ryan Reaves, the great enforcer of his time.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:George [=McPhee=] helped Pittsburgh land Derick Brassard so he didn't end up on a Western Conference team]]\\
'''Excerpt''': [[AC:When the dust settled, six players and four draft picks were on the move]]\\
'''UT''': Throw a few more draft picks around, a couple of minor leaguers, and thus you have -\\
''[As footage of the "Mind Blown" portion of the ''Series/TimAndEricAwesomeShowGreatJob'' "Universe" sketch plays in the background]''\\
'''UT''': ''TRADECEPTION''!\\
'''Super''': [[AC:Tradeception!]]\\
'''SFX''': ''Inception'' bwong\\
''[cue another, longer excerpt from an article detailing the exact pieces moved by Tradeception, along with a Tweet calculating that four transactions were required to get Brassard to Pittsburgh and 40% of his salary to Vegas]''\\
'''UT''': Thank you Melnyk. Thank you for your incredible avariciousness. If it wasn't for that, this would've just been a random trade. Just like how you traded [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dion_Phaneuf Phaneuf]] so you could save four million dollars. ''[cue a shower of CGI money and the sound of a slot machine hitting jackpot]'' My liquor cabinet is also open to business for you, Ottawa.
* After recapping the trade of Patrick Maroon to the Devils, Tree complains about how boring the deadline has been. But then...
-->''[cue an explosion over footage of a New York Rangers game, with the Lightning logo flying out of the flames]''\\
'''UT''': My Tampa Bay Boner has increased exponentially. Ryan [=McDonagh=] and J.T. motherfucking Miller are headed to the Lightning! That's what you can call an all-in push. It cost you a good bit of prospects, picks and a decent winger in [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vladislav_Namestnikov Namestnikov]], but [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Yzerman Yzerman]] is a goddamn madman. They didn't get rid of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikhail_Sergachev Sergachev]], [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brayden_Point Point]] or [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callan_Foote Cal Foote]] in this deal. If I had a wife, I would let Stevie father my children. This could have been yours, Detroit - if only Ken Holland had stepped aside when asked.
* Frustrated with the awkward moves being made in the nick of time, Tree caps off his report with the following:
-->'''UT''': Well, this deadline was one big boom with a whole bunch of lame...''no, I didn't just do this for the [[ProductPlacement SeatGeek shoutout]], '''you shut your whore mouth!'''''
!![[AC:MLB Postseason Push Edition]]
* The NL East has been a scattershot division, with three teams - the Atlanta Braves, Philadelphia Phillies and Washington Nationals, all in respective playoff contention. But all three of them are in disarray...
-->'''UT''': It's time for everyone's favorite game: who wants to win the NL East?! In front of us there are three perspective teams trying their hardest to lose games and choke away a guaranteed ass-whooping in the NLDS! Our first contestant is the Tomahawk Chop.\\
''[footage of a building collapsing]''\\
'''UT''': Turns out that slapping some band-aids on the sketchy bullpen was a bad idea. ''[Headline: Braves transfer Arodys Vizcaino to 60-day DL]'' And there's that whole injury to your closer thing! As a result the Braves have ''[Headline: Red Sox Series Proves Whether or Not the Braves are Postseason Ready]'' taken on the Atlanta stereotype of blowing leads and ''[Headline: Now would be good time for Braves to mitigate Western struggles]'' pissing away golden opportunities to secure the division. The newly acquired Adam Duvall ''[Headline: Adam Duvall settling in with Braves, slump notwithstanding]'' has been hot garbage and the rest of the team seems to have followed suit! The only thing that is carrying this team is the legendary Ronald Acuna ''[Headline: Ronald Acuna sets Atlanta's mark for leadoff home runs in a season]'' and his relentless barrage of leadoff homers. This is getting too interesting for baseball. Bean him! ''[Acuna is beaned with a wild pitch. Headline: Jose Urena Suspended 6 Games for Intentionally Beaning Ronald Acuna Jr.]'' A garbage pitcher for a garbage organization... So fitting. ''[Headline: Atlanta Braves Surging Towards First National League East Title Since 2013]'' Wait. You're telling me they're winning again? Yes, the Atlanta stereotype can be bucked! ''[footage shifts to Phillies clips]'' Let's see how Philadelphia is doing.\\
''[footage of a building being demolished]''\\
'''UT''': Oh boy, another thing for Philadelphia to rightfully bitch about! ''[Headline: Another Phillies loss gives them worst record in NL since Aug. 18]'' It appears that your garbage bullpen is, surprise, garbage. How's that adding rentals to the hitting core working out for that terrible batch of arms you have? Losing ten series throughout August and early September. The bats? ''[Headline: Phillies' reliance on pitching beginning to haunt them]'' Freezing cold as to reacing the point of zero degrees hell bent! Need I say more? ''[Headline: Phillies lose in one of the most embarrassing ways possible]'' Either forcing Philadelphians to cling onto something in fear or breaking the dam! Seranthony Dominguez looks completely overdone and most of the starters have been struggling; and Aaron Nola is about to punch someone in the face with how many excellent outings of ism and wasted. The pain isn't ending soon, either. You're still in the thick of it, technically! ''[footage shifts to Nationals clips]'' And then there are the Nationals. Oh, Nationals, the gods are literally offering you a division title for the taking! They're literally saying, here take it. Please, Washington, have the NL East! All you have to do is touch it! What have the Nationals done with this opportunity?\\
''[footage of another building being demolished]''\\
'''UT''': Emulate the performances in the NLDS! The hitting core has returned to form once again, destroying balls without prejudices, but an old foe undermines them again: the pitching. ''[Headline: Once a strength, Nationals' starting pitching has imploded]'' Yes, turns out selling pieces and dealing with key long-term injuries ''[Headlines: Nationals lose Doolittle to DL with foot injury / Nationals lose potential trade chip Kelvin Herrera to season ending foot injury]'' is a recipe for disaster. The bullpen is ridiculously awful, excluding a Greg Holland suddenly pitching like a god again! The starters?! ''[Headline: What Happened to the Nationals? How Did One Of Baseball's Best Teams Fall So Far?]'' Gio Gonzalez has been one of the worst in baseball, and Stephen Strasburg looks shot. ''[Headline: Nationals Trades a Surprise In Midst of Playoff Chase]'' Time to sell of the depth! ''[Headlines: Cubs acquire Daniel Murphy in trade waiver deal with Nationals / Nationals Trade Matt Adams to Cardinals / Brewers Bring About Gio Gonzalez, Curtis Granderson on busy day / Could the Nats have made a September run? We'll never know, and for good reason]'' Everything not locked down sold off at bargain values. Enjoy wasting another great year of Max Scherzer, you failures!\\
[[AC: This is also how a legacy of failure is born. Just saying.]]
!![[AC:2019 NBA Free Agency Edition]]
* The blockbuster signings and trades of the 2019 offseason (Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving to the Brooklyn Nets; Kawhi Leonard and Paul George to the Los Angeles Clippers; and Russell Westbrook to the Houston Rockets) are depicted using footage of nuclear explosions.
-->'''UT''': ''[After the Westbrook trade]'' The NBA is singlehandedly going to cause climate change.
* Another NBA video, another mocking of the Knicks:
-->''[the "Glowball" bonus stage theme from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3'' plays over a clip of the laughing anchor from ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'']''\\
'''UT''': And now for everyone's favorite barrelful of laughs. Everybody laugh at the Knicks!\\
''[Caption under the above clip: [[AC:Everybody laugh at the Knicks!]]]''\\
'''UT''': ''[While laughing heartily]'' You didn't get KD or Kyrie!! How many L's can a team take in a decade!? Holy fuck! Oh, Durant and Irving are coming to New York all right, ''[Thwomp grunt from ''VideoGame/SuperMario64'']'' '''they're going to the Nets!!''' ''[laughs again]'' But hold up, hold up, it gets even better. Remember what I said in the NBA Finals video?\\
''[Black and white clip from "The Haters Guide to the 2019 NBA Finals", as a caption reads [[AC:May 2019]]]''\\
'''UT''': You'll get Anthony Davis after a massive overpay and max contracts to, let's say, Khris Middleton and Tobias Harris.\\
'''UT''': ''[Returning to the present]'' It's even worse than that, they didn't even get ''them''! What's behind the curtain, everyone?\\
''[fart noise]''\\
'''UT''': ''[through ever increasing laughter]'' Julius Randle! Bobby Portis! Taj Gibson! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not the kicker. They're all power forwards! ''[laughs hysterically]'' How's that Knicks tradition boys? You're second fiddle in your own fucking city. Good job.
* As for the Los Angeles Lakers, Tree doesn't see much optimism for their future either:
-->'''UT''': The LA Lakers, good job, you created space to get a third max contract only to not secure the services of the guy you were pining for for years.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Windhorst: Lakers Feel 'They Got Played' in Kawhi Leonard Free-Agency Pursuit]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:You hate to see it]]\\
'''UT''': Don't worry though, at least the other guys you sign will be OK. ''[ScareChord]'' Danny Green? ''[ScareChord]'' Jared Dudley? ''[ScareChord]'' Avery Bradley and Quinn Cook? ''[ScareChord]'' You brought back Rondo, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kentavious_Caldwell-Pope KCP]] and [=JaVale McGee=]? ''[A longer snippet of horror movie music]'' Boogie Cousins? That dude isn't ''trying'' to hide that he's ring-chasing! ''[ScareChord]'' You sacrificed most of your future core and draft picks for potentially one year of the Unibrow and the return of The Expendables. Well done.
[[/folder]]
----
[[folder:In General]]
* The opening, which shows off several EpicFail moments in sports, namely the Pacers-Pistons brawl, Terrell Owens' [[{{Wangst}} tear-streaked]] "That's my quarterback!" interview, the ball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head for a home run, Vesa Toskala conceding a bouncing shot from 197 feet away, Patrik Štefan failing to even shoot the puck at a completely empty net, and the infamous Butt-Fumble.
* Quarterbacks who have turned into godsends for their teams are treated as if their performances on the field are sacred scriptures ("All rise for testimony from the book of [e.g. Carson Wentz, Jimmy Garoppolo]"), while [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaOcarinaOfTime the "Temple of Time" theme]] plays over the segment.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:2017 NFL Season]]
!![[AC: NFL Week Three]]
* When he gets to the Eagles facing the Giants, he sees how badly the latter are doing as they get shut out until the fourth quarter and take the lead. Buuuuut...
--> '''UT:''' And the Giants are getting their shit kicked in by a divison rival with the same problem that plagued them in past weeks. Just get this game over with so you can call for [=McAdoo's=] head again! ''[cut to fourth quarter as the Giants score a touchdown...]'' ...So you're telling me that the Giants can actually score points on offense now? ''[...and then to them being down 14-7 before scoring another...]'' [[HopeSpot They've come back in the fourth quarter to take the lead?]] Sure, they blew that lead ''[...and then to the score tied at 24 with Jake Elliot about to attempt a 61-yard field goal with 1 second left in regulation.]'', but it's gonna take a ''miracle'' for this game not to go to OT!\\
''[The field goal attempt is successful, making the final score 27-24 Eagles.]''\\
'''UT:''' Holy fucking shit, what a finish. ''[Headline: Sterling Shepard calls out Giants-Eagles catch double standard]'' Maybe now we can actually figure out what the fuck a catch is in this godforsaken league! Sorry Giants, you got screwed.
!![[AC: NFL Week Four]]
* After the Falcons choke a game away to the Buffalo Bills:
--> '''UT:''' Look mommy, I'm a Falcon! ''[choking noises]''
!![[AC: NFL Week Five]]
* With two teams that have gone winless so far in the Chargers and the Giants, Tree wonders who will botch things up worse in this one.
--> '''UT:''' So who the hell thought this match would be against winless teams at the start of the year? Whose magic will allow them to fuck up more? The unmitigated disaster of the home game-less Chargers, or a Giants team that doesn't have enough liquor in the world to ail their woes? Let's see who fate decides to take a shit on today.\\
'''Headlines:''' [[AC:Odell Beckham Jr. to Undergo Season-Ending Surgery on Ankle Injury]]\\
[[AC:Brandon Marshall to have season-ending ankle surgery]]\\
[[AC:Giants lose return man Dwayne Harris for year with broken foot]]\\
[[AC:Sterling Shepard Suffers Ankle Injury vs. Chargers, Reportedly May Miss 2 Weeks]]\\
'''UT:''' Holy fuck, football gods! I know OBJ pissed you off, but to take out the Giants' ENTIRE receiving core?! Isn't losing to the Chargers ''enough'' suffering?! It's been in typical Giants style as of late to rip their fans' hearts out in ridiculous fashion; and this game just upped the goddamn ante ten-fold. FUCK YOU, Spanos.
!![[AC: NFL Week Six]]
* Seeing as the Chargers have lost their first two games both thanks to unsuccessful field goal attempts at the very end of the game, he anticipates the same happening here as they are down by two. And yet, they make the field goal for the win.
--> '''UT:''' [ethereal music plays] Oh my god, they actually made a field goal at the end of a game. Everything I have known has been a lie. The Chargers didn't kick their six fans in the dick again. Fuck you, Spanos.
** And adding further to it is how calmly and nonchalantly he says those three words.
!![[AC: NFL Week Eleven]]
* The Redskins are holding well against the Saints, mounting a 15-point lead 90% of the way through the game. Surely things look promising, right?
-->'''UT''': Well done, Redskins. You are on the brink of upsetting one of the NFC's top teams in the Saints and asserting yourselves as playoff contenders again. Samaje Perine has filled in nicely as running back and the defense has put that potent New Orleans offense in check. Time to watch the world burn again!\\
''[cue the clip from Film/GroundhogDay of Phil Connors' alarm clock going off at 6 am to the sound of Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe"]''\\
'''UT''': ...As Washington sports reinforces its choking stereotype. Tonight's serving, a blown 15-point lead with less than three minutes to go. Seriously, does ''anyone'' on the Redskins know how to make a fucking tackle. The Saints marched all over the Redskins as they blew yet another lead too early! The Saints add to their strong winning streak and show the world their might. At this rate, it only feels like Schadenfreude because of how this organization is run. ''[Headline: Update: Redskins confirm Chris Thompson out for season]'' And have yourselves another Theismann-like injury to a running-back-esque conglaturation. ''[cut to Will Lutz kicking the game-winning field goal]'' Fuck Dan Snyder and the money-making horse he sewed everyone on! ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''
* The Bills have been humiliated two weeks running,[[note]]Torched 34-21 by the Jets in New York in Week 9, eviscerated 47-10 at home by the Saints in Week 10.[[/note]] but have a "home away from home" game against the Chargers in Los Angeles to right the ship. A change to the team roster backfires spectacularly:
-->'''UT''': So Buffalo is on an alarming stretch where they were massacred in their last two games. The problem for the Bills is simple: Tyrod Taylor. It's time for the perennial fucking over of Tyrod as he's benched for fifth round pick Nathan Peterman. ''[Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman, bench Tyrod Taylor"]'' It may be kneejerk, you say, ''[Caption: It had nothing to do with Pegula's meddling, we swear]'' but they're playing the Chargers. Easy test for Nathan, he only threw three incompletions!... Five of those completions went to the opposition. ''In the first half.'' Sean [=McDermott=] and his ''brilliant'' tactics made the league's black sheep look like the '85 Bears. Also doesn't help that the receivers can't fucking catch. That blameless defence was also shredded by LA as well, being completely blown the fuck out yet again and making it quite obvious that their biggest problem was indeed Tyrod Taylor. For those of you keeping track at home, they have now given up 135 points in three games, truly going full Pegula. The decision to bench Tyrod was such a brilliant move that '''they put him back in the game in the second half!''' ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Bills bench Peterman for Tyrod Taylor after 5-INT half]]\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''UT''': FUCK YOU, Spanos.
!![[AC: NFL Week Twelve]]
* The DoubleSubversion of "Fuck You, Spanos!". After the Chargers/Cowboys game, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is given the "fuck you", and the rest of the video plays out as normal... until the Lolcow of The Week, a clip of Chargers punter Drew Kaser [[EpicFail missing the kicking net from three feet away]], at which point:
--> I'm putting this here for three simple words: FUCK YOU SPANOS!
!![[AC:NFL Week Thirteen]]
* The Chiefs go Full Reid against, of all teams, the Buttfumble:
-->'''UT''': Panic mode has set in for the Chiefs. They are desperately throwing everything they've got to right this ship. Andy Reid has finally given up play-calling duties in favor of a timeshare ([[https://twitter.com/RapSheet/status/937331158836219904 sharing duties with Chiefs OC Matt Nagy]]) and Kansas City has summoned a old relic in Darelle Revis to bolster the D. The first item has worked. The Chiefs' offense has returned to form against the Jets. Alex Smith is balling again and Tyreek Hill is humming along as usual. Unfortunately, the defense decided to self immolate like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thích_Quảng_Đức Quang Duc]]. This is a team that has absolutely lost all direction and fell apart to a sneakily good offense in the Jets. They strangled them in the time of possession game and the Chiefs could do nothing. The final drive simply a total collapse for the ages. But there's at least still a chance.\\
''[Alex Smith throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 6 from the New York Jets' 19, with 46 seconds to go. Sirens sound as the pass slides over the Jets' defenders.]''\\
'''UT''': Oh my god, Jesus, they lost to the Jets.\\
''[A clip from ''Film/TheNakedGun'' of Lt. Frank Drebin in front of the exploding fireworks factory, with the Chiefs' logo over Drebin's head]''\\
'''Chiefs!Drebin''': Nothing to see here, please disperse! Nothing to see here!\\
'''Billy Madison''': You blew it!
* A possible turning point in the Derp Era for the NFC half of [=MetLife=] Stadium?
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Giants slumping to 2-10 thanks to a 24-17 loss in Oakland]'' It has happened. [=McAdoo=] has won a power struggle and finally threw Eli off of a cliff for shit that isn't his fault. Manning has officially been benched by the Giants for...\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Giants to bench Eli Manning, start Geno Smith against the Raiders]]\\
'''UT''': ... Geno Smith. Fucking ''really'', man? You want to give your team the best chance to win and you're starting ''Geno?!'' For fuck's sake, the ''Jets'' could have told you how terrible he is! You can't say with a straight face that he is a better option. Were you not paying attention to them when they were in [=MetLife=]? I get if you want to start Davis Webb a few weeks down the road. See what you've got in him. But what the hell is there to see in this, it's ''Geno Smith'', he fucking ''sucks!'' Dude couldn't make a good decision if you bribed him with candy on the sidelines! The Raiders thank you for your ineptitude, as their victory allows them back into the AFC West picture. Fortunately, the Giants had enough of this shit as Ben [=McAdouche=] and Jerry Reese were derped off of the George Washington Bridge for gross incompetence.\\
'''Headline''': ''[over children cheering]'' [[AC:Giants Fire Coach Ben [=McAdoo=] and General Manager Jerry Reese]]\\
'''UT''': Personally, it took too goddamn long to do. The team is now in shatters and looking right in the face of a steep rebuild. Complete disaster of a tenure.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Kinda wanted to see the G-Men fall apart more, though]]
!![[AC:NFL Week Fourteen]]
* On the Eagles clenching the NFC East:
-->'''UT''': [The Eagles] claim the NFC East crown and have locked in a date for postseason football again. However this was PyrrhicVictory, as it comes at a staggering cost...''(SickeningCrunch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Eagles QB Carson Wentz tore his ACL and is out for the year]]\\
'''UT''': ...of Carson Wentz.\\
'''BGM''': [[AC:"Taps"]]\\
''(Cut-in of Nancy Kerrigan being treated by paramedics and wailing out "WHY ME?!" in the wake of being assaulted by Tonya Harding with a tire iron)''\\
'''UT''': It's official; there is no god. ''(A [[AC:"Philadelphia Right Now"]] caption appears next to the cut-in)'' His Messiah has fallen. We are all fucked.
* In response to the Chargers being decent, Tree decides to take a new approach on the OnceAnEpisode gag:
-->'''UT:''' '''[[GratuitousSpanish PUTA MADRE, SPANOS!]]'''
!![[AC:NFL Week Fifteen]]
* When it looks like the Steelers are going to beat the Patriots, UT marks the fuck out. His ecstasy is short-lived...
-->''[Tom Brady completes the first of three consecutive passes to Rob Gronkowski for a total gain of 69 yards, followed by Dion Lewis running the last 8 yards for a touchdown to put the Patriots ahead 27-24 with 56 seconds to go in the fourth quarter]''\\
'''UT''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, great, the Steelers can't cover Gronk at all and are going to lose to ''New England'' again. God ''damn'' it, I was getting interested to see if they could pull it off. I can't bear to watch this happen, just roll over and ''die'' already. ''[the Steelers' [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster runs 69 yards to New England's 10-yard line with 34 seconds left]'' Wait a minute... they're going to do it! ''[getting more and more excited]'' They're going to beat New England! I honestly hadn't prepared for this at all. All of the cynicism was for ''nothing''. They're actually going to fucking do it! ''[as Ben Roethlisberger throws a 10-yard touchdown pass to Jesse James]'' Holy shit! It's going to happen! THEY'RE GOING! IT'S GOING- ''[James grabs the ball out of the air and puts it down in the end zone]''[[note]]Notice the lack of the word "catch" in that description; this will be important later.[[/note]] OH MY GOD! THEY SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! THEY DID IT! THEY'RE GOING TO ANOTHER FUCKING SUPER BOWL! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, YOU FUCKING PATRIOTS!... ''[lapses into incoherent raving]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off]'' [[AC:YINZER MODE ACTIVATED]]\\
'''[[VisualNovel/PhoenixWrightAceAttorney Phoenix Wright]]''': HOLD IT!\\
'''Referee''': After reviewing the play, the receiver in the end zone did not survive the ground. It's an incomplete pass.\\
'''SFX''': Oh NO!\\
'''UT''': What!? '''''WHAT?!''''' WHAT IS THIS FUCKING DEBAUCHERY!? ALL OF THIS TIME AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A FUCKING CATCH IS ANYMORE IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN LEAGUE?!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over slow-motion footage of the incomplete pass]'' [[AC:Technically it's the correct call, but it's a terrible rule. Get rid of it.]]\\
''[test pattern, then back to the game]''\\
'''UT''': Okay, fine. That was bullshit, but there's still a chance to- ''[Roethlisberger passes to Darrius Heyward-Bey for a 3-yard gain]'' why aren't you going for the field goal?\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Seriously, why didn't they go for the field goal?]]\\
'''UT''': Why is this play completely broke- ''[with 9 seconds left on the clock, Roethlisberger tries to pass to Eli Rogers in the end zone, but the ball is intercepted by the Patriots' Duron Harmon, punctuated by [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's]] "NOPE!"]'' OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? THIS IS SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT!... ''[dissolves into {{Angrish}}]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Another great game ruined by NFL regulations]]\\
[[AC:Hope you're proud of a catch changing from week to week]]\\
''[under an NFL logo]'' [[AC:Conglaturation!]]
* The Tennessee Titans have the misfortune to be the losers in the next game in the video, so Tree lets them have it with a savage TheReasonYouSuckSpeech:
-->'''UT''': I am still ''really'' goddamn pissed at the events that have previously occurred. Titans, you get the privilege of my unadulterated ''rage''. Your team is absolutely pathetic. The fact that you are still in playoff contention makes me physically ''ill''. Your offence is anaemic, your defence is substandard, your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Mularkey head coach]] is about ten IQ points away from being ''football'' retarded, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Mariota Mariota]] can't throw the fucking football anymore, your running game is going nowhere, your team fucking sucks a bag of ''chunks'', and you're going to get completely annihilated if you actually ''make'' it to the postseason. Go fuck yourselves, you worthless sacks of shit, and take the full load of losing to the goddamn 49ers like the useless piss stains that you are. ''[as the clock runs out, 49ers kicker Robbie Gould kicks the game-winning field goal]'' Even in Hell, you're still one yard short.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Garoppolo Jimmy G]] looks promising, though]]
* He reminded us just how...off his picks for the NFC were earlier in the year.
-->'''UT''': Please do not attempt to look up my playoff predictions from earlier in the year. You will die of laughter.[[note]]His picks for the NFC East, North, South, and West, respectively were: the NY Giants, the Packers, the Falcons, and the Seahawks, while the Wild Card spots were the Buccaneers and Cowboys. The Giants went 3-13 and the division was won by eventual UsefulNotes/SuperBowl champions, the Eagles; the Vikings took the north, while Green Bay had a lackluster 7-9 record; the Saints won the South; the LA Rams won the West, while the Seahawks' 9-7 record wasn't enough to qualify them due to tie-breakers. The Carolina Panthers and Atlanta Falcons (both from the South) took the two Wild Card slots. So Tree only got one of his predictions right...and only gets half credit for it since he predicted the Falcons to take the division and not the Wild Card.[[/note]]
!![[AC:NFL Week Sixteen]]
* With their season on the line, the Cowboys host a Christmas Eve showing against the Seahawks, but things don't exactly go as they'd hoped:
-->'''UT''': Dallas, it turns out you have TWO gifts under the tree this year! First you have received overgrown Ewok Zeke Elliot back for a crucial playoff game. The Cowboys are feeding him the ball without prejudice. Which leads us to your second gift: it's a yearly calendar. With a guy choking as the picture for January. January came early for Jerryworld today! Prepare yourselves for one of our LOLCOWS OF THE WEEK! Let's begin with a fumble by Dez Bryant, when Dallas is driving and leads to a Seattle score. Follow this up with a terrible throw by Dak Prescott leading to an easy pick-six for the Seahawks. Throughout the game, Seattle was ''desperately'' trying to give you a win with an inept offense, but you swatted it away like Dikembe with more interceptions like this. ''[Caption: DEZ = ELITE]'' Then, it was the defense's turn. Desperately needing a stop, they allowed an offense stuck in quicksand to gain traction and willingly lied on the ground to get run over by them! Then the choking commenced. Dallas makes it to the red zone, only to be charged with the holding penalty and another sack. It became a gimme shot for the sure-footed Dan Bailey. ...And he misses a 34-yard field goal. ''[Caption: YOU SURE THIS GUY STILL ISN'T INJURED?]'' One desperation challenge by Jason Garrett later, they still have a chance. The Cowboys are charging and need two scores to get back into the game. Dan Bailey returns for revenge... ''[laughing as...]'' AND MISSES ANOTHER FIELD GOAL!!! ''[The Film/BillyMadison "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears four times]'' HOW'S ROGER GOODELL'S ASS TASTE, JERRY?! EAT THAT, PLAYOFF ELIMINATION ON THE SCOREBOARD, YOU FUCK! ''[the "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears three times in unison]''
!![[AC:NFL Week Seventeen]]
* Tree's pessimism on the Eagles' chances in the playoffs, while justified due to Nick Foles' poor performance in his quarter against the Cowboys and the Eagles being shut out by said team, is [[HilariousInHindsight even funnier]] after the Eagles won that season's Super Bowl.
* It's time to celebrate for the Browns...
-->'''UT''': YOU DID IT, CLEVELAND! 0-16!!!!!!! ''(cue sounds of children cheering while fireworks and raining money play over footage of the end of ''Film/ReturnOfTheJedi'', all set to [[VideoGame/StreetFighterII Guile's theme]])'' It's your greatest accomplishment since returning to the league. I'm SoProudOfYou guys.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Cleveland Browns keep Hue Jackson amidst worst season ever]]\\
'''UT''': ...wait, you're ''keeping'' Hue Jackson? [[TemptingFate This can't get any more laughable]]...\\
'''SFX''': ''([[VideoGame/SuperMario64 Thwomp hitting the ground]])''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jimmy Haslan sees Hue Jackson going from 0-16 goat to future hero]]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Browns GM states that anything less than winning the AFC North next year is "unacceptable"]]\\
'''UT''': ''(riotous, derisive laughter)''
* The Chargers end their season with a win over the Raiders, but even with a 9-7 record, they miss out on the playoffs due to the NFL's tiebreaking procedures.[[note]]The Chargers would have needed a loss by the Chiefs to make the Wild Card.[[/note]] Tree is so happy that he breaks out in song:
-->'''UT''': ''[To the tune of Beethoven's Ode to Joy]''\\
Fuck you Spanos, fuck you Spanos\\
Fuck you Spanos, in the ass\\
"Fight for LA" is disastrous\\
Be forced back to San Diego.
* His rant at the miracle end of the Ravens-Bengals game (a Hail Mary pass from Andy Dalton to Tyler Boyd on a 4th and 12 with less than a minute left gave the Bengals a 31-27 win), which ended the Bills' 17 year long playoff drought.
-->'''UT''': HOLY BUTT-FUCKING CHRIST! YOU FUCKING BLEW IT! You bungled this game so much that Marvin Lewis is cringing in disgust. Somewhere Art Modell's grave is being pissed on ''[Caption: REALLY? HOW DO YOU BLOW A 4TH AND 12 WITH PLAYOFFS ON THE LINE?]'' and Yinzers everywhere are jerking off to your failure. The Ravens were a shoo-in and they made Cincinnati's misery look like a bad day. This is where being in a division with Cleveland kills you. Baltimore has missed the playoffs via tie-breaker.
-->'''SFX''': ''(Gunshot sound)''
-->'''UT''': Hey Mr. Harbaugh, perhaps instead of whining about the game time you can [[SkewedPriorities prepare your team to hold a fucking lead!]] Heads need to roll! The staff deserves the Gerard Gallant treatment, throw their asses under the street for this failure! It won't happen though, Baltimore is too "classy". [[PrecisionFStrike Go fuck yourselves!]] Elite QB, my black ass! So if Baltimore is out, that means...oh my god, it happened. ''(Footage of the Bills players celebrating)'' The Bills have made the playoffs. The walking mediocrity will be playing postseason football for the first time in this millennium. We have witnessed history once again. Buffalo will something to look forward to besides shit-loads of snow and broken tables. This is a special day. Bengals, you have done something good in this world for once. Now get yourselves a new coach and overhaul that-
-->'''SFX''': ''(RecordNeedleScratch)''
-->'''Headline''': [[AC: Marvin Lewis Stays With Bengals On Two Year Contract]]
-->'''UT:''' You extended Marvin Lewis. (''Cue the dumpster fire GIF and the Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm theme.'') [[YouHaveGOTToBeKiddingMe You extended Marvin Lewis. I don't even need to mock this in any way, it does it to itself.]] THE BUNGLES EXTENDED MARVIN LEWIS!!! Can Mike Brown fucking die already?! Like, please, did he see the shitshow in Cleveland and get jealous of it? In what world does someone think that Marvin Lewis was doing a good job?! The Bungles got the last Bungle after all. Fuck this team!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:2018 NFL Season]]
!![[AC:NFL Week One (2018 Season)]]
* ''One game'' into the 2018 NFL season and they're already showing reruns...
-->''[Jay Ajayi runs the last yard for a touchdown to give the Eagles a 10-6 lead over the Falcons]''\\
'''UT''': The first game of the season begins with a flurry of ineffective offenses and total boredom - at least until the end of the game. Literally a carbon copy of the NFC Divisional Playoff fracas. Begin the redemption of Steve Sarkisian! ''[with the score 18-12 to Philadelphia, Matt Ryan passes to Mohamed Sanu for a 10-yard gain; the Falcons have a first down on the Eagles' 10-yard line with 23 seconds left. Sound of a beer can being opened and poured into a glass]'' I see. Time for a lesson in the drunken offense.\\
'''Caption''': ''[''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Time's running out!" music]'' [[AC:Steve Sarkisian's Drunken Goalline Offense]]\\
'''UT''': ''[with captions echoing his first two sentences]'' Play one - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play two - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play three - yet another five wideout set, incomplete pass.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Play three - Getting repetitive, isn't it?]]\\
'''UT''': Play four - lather, rinse, and repeat with a five wideout set.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Play four - When in doubt, bash your head against the wall]]\\
'''UT''': ''[but this time, the Eagles incur a 5-yard penalty, and the Falcons get another first down on the 5-yard line]'' You even got an extra play!\\
'''Caption''': ''[ding!]'' [[AC:Play five - Pray Julio makes an impossible play]]\\
'''UT''': In which they go to a five wideout set and - yes - an incomplete pass. Conglaturation, you inebriated bastard, you've learned ''nothing''. I just feel like this could have been avoided somehow. ''[flashback to the first quarter with the Falcons on a fourth down on the Eagles' 1-yard line; their run attempt results in a 1-yard loss]'' Fourth down on the goal line in the first quarter. Hmm...\\
'''[[VideoGame/FarCry3 Vaas]]''': [[RunningGag Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity...]]
* With the Bills fresh from their first playoff appearance since the 1990s and a newly-drafted [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Allen_(quarterback) quarterback]] in their ranks, fan optimism is running high. Then they go to Baltimore...
-->'''UT''': I'm trying a new device on the site called the Buffalo Optimism Meter. ''[a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter" appears in the top left]'' May need to work out the kinks, like the Bills do, but it's safe for launch. So far fan optimism is at 100% ''["100%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' after returning to the playoffs and drafting the QB of the future. The Bills choose as their Week 1 starter... Nathan Peterman. ''[Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman at quarterback against Ravens ahead of rookie Josh Allen"]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:60%]]\\
'''UT''': Don't worry, it's not going to be a shitshow like his start last year was...[[note]]See "This Week in Sportsball: NFL Week Eleven" from 2017 for details.[[/note]] it's even worse.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:20%]]\\
'''UT''': The entire fucking offence grinds to a halt as Petermeme and his mediocre compatriots are foiled at every turn. 33 yards of total offence in the first half. ''[Headline: "Nathan Peterman had a quarterback rating of 0.0"]'' You know it's awful when your QB rating is absolute ''zero''.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-20%]]\\
'''UT''': As for the D... skinned alive like a fish in the Chesapeake. Torched and charred by Jumbo Joe Flacco and the Checkdown Circus... ''47 points''[='=] worth of it.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-90%]]\\
'''UT''': It goes so horribly that Petermeme is benched for first-round pick Josh Allen. ''[Headline: "Bills Bench Starting QB Nathan Peterman in Favor of Josh Allen Against Ravens"]'' It is a tremendous upgrade from "cataclysmically horrific" to "simply trash".\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[ding!]'' [[AC:-80%]]\\
'''UT''': This is when Bills fans realise their best QB... is still Andy Dalton.[[note]]See "NFL Week Seventeen" from 2017 for an explanation of why Dalton is the Bills' best quarterback despite playing for the Bengals.[[/note]]\\
'''Buffa[[TakeThat lol]] Optimism Meter''': ''[scream of horror]'' [[AC:[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_City_Miracle Music City Miracle]]]] ''[[[VideoGame/MortalKombat3 Shao Kahn laughs]]]''\\
'''UT''': Perhaps trading A.J. [=McCarron=] to the Raiders ''wasn't'' such a good idea after all, huh.
* As the Saints host the Buccaneers, Tree's ability to jinx teams by forecasting success for them proves to be alive and well:
-->'''UT''': This shouldn't be too hard of a challenge for the Saints. They're up against the black sheep of the NFC South and are down their [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameis_Winston starting quarterback]] for crimes against Uber drivers.[[note]]Winston was suspended for the first three games of the 2018 season for groping a female Uber driver in 2016.[[/note]] Their defence should be up to the task as the Buccaneers make a complete mockery of whatever the fuck their secondary was supposed to be ''[his tone gradually shifts to sickened disbelief]'' and the offence does their best to cough up the ball at every turn you fucking ''serious'' right now, Saints!? You do realise you gave up over 400 yards' passing to ''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Fitzpatrick Fitzception]]''. God damn it, this team has to be cursed. A golden opportunity for a win and you do ''that''. The ''fuck'' could have caused this?\\
''[harp glissando as the screen shifts to black and white, with a ripple effect on the video]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Several days earlier on NFL prediction stream...]]\\
''[clip from a livestream hosted by Five Points Vids with Tree and [=ThatsGoodSports=] as guests, all giving their predictions for the 2018 NFL season; they are giving their picks for the NFC Championship Game winner, with TGS having picked the Rams]''\\
'''FPV''': Mr. Tree.\\
'''UT''': Ooh. This is a tough one because there are a lot of high-end teams... I'm gonna go Saints.\\
'''FPV''': Ho-ly ''geez'', wow! ''[enters the prediction into the spreadsheet]'' That's uh, some avant-garde shit right there.\\
'''UT''': This is their year to do it, this is it for them![[note]]He also picked them to win Super Bowl LIII.[[/note]]\\
''[back in the present, the Saints slump to a 48-40 loss]''\\
'''UT''': That video is obviously fake news, I would never make such a statement about a football team I can't back up!
* In the season premiere of "Days of Our Steelers", Tree makes light of Le'Veon Bell's contract standoff and practice no-shows, which culminates in Pittsburgh ''ending the Browns' losing streak''. With a tie rather than a loss, but this just allows for clips from the final scene of the ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' episode "Lisa on Ice", including Homer wailing "They're ''both losers!'' LOSERS!".
* The Jets start the season by demolishing the Lions 48-17 - but the game doesn't start well for them...
-->'''UT''': Meet the saviour of New York football in [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Darnold Sam Darnold!]] ''[on the first play of the game, Darnold throws a pass which is intercepted by the Lions' Quandre Diggs and run back 37 yards for a touchdown]'' Hold on, wrong footage, let's try this again.\\
''[Test Pattern]''
!![[AC:NFL Week Three (2018)]]
* A miraculous event, not seen since Christmas Eve 2016...
-->'''UT''': Thursday Night Football games are ''much'' more exciting and competitive, the NFL tells us! As they serenade us with lullabies of good football, they slip in ''this'' damn roofie of Jets versus Browns. Such a wonderfully appalling game where both teams do their best to put us to sleep and the Jets coast to an early lead. But then... a miracle happened. The Jets, learning nothing from their escapades from [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drew_Bledsoe Drew Bledsoe,]] butt-fumbled by injuring Tyrod Taylor. ''[Headline: "Browns' Tyrod Taylor knocked out of Jets game with concussion"]'' Enter the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker_Mayfield cocky son of a bitch]] from Oklahoma. Look at him sling the ball in ways Tyrod can't! The Browns offence is somehow moving, their kicker ''isn't'' injured and can kick accurately. ''[Headline: "Hue Jackson didn't know Zane Gonzalez was kicking while injured Sunday"]'' Cleveland is legitimately the most excited about the Browns for the first time since 1999. In ways that shock even the football gods, the Browns pull ahead as the Jets proceed to butt-fumble this game like many before them. ''[Carlos Hyde runs the final yard for a touchdown that gives Cleveland a 21-17 lead; [[Music/LudwigVanBeethoven "Ode to Joy"]] begins playing in the background, while Tree affects his "Brass Bonanza" voice]'' [-CLEVELAND! YOU'VE DONE IT! YOU'VE WON A GAME!-]\\
'''Caption''': ''[flashing as children cheer]'' [[AC:Conglaturation!]] ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': It's like the druggie taking his first steps toward clean living. ''[over scenes of Browns fans celebrating the win]'' It's fucking ''stunning''. Legend has it that Baker Mayfield fathered at least thirty children on this night. Cleveland, a reward awaits: open the water supply! ''[in a Browns fan bar, the free beer reserved for team wins is finally passed around]''
* And elsewhere, another miracle as one team completely upends expectations and another somehow reverts to them...
-->'''UT''': You can at least pretend to comfort yourselves by saying that you aren't Buffalo. Straight fucking trash disguised as a football team marching to their deaths against the New Age Purple People Eaters and their new kicker Dan Bailey. ''[Headline: "Vikings cut Daniel Carlson, will sign Dan Bailey"]'' This is gonna be an outright massacre. Let's watch as they feast on the helpless villagers and pillage them of everything of value. I will vicariously enjoy this. ''[RecordNeedleScratch; the Bills have raced to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter]'' Wait a minute, wha?? The ''Bills'' are the ones doing the massacring!? Did the Vikings imitate their modern Swedish counterparts or something? There's playing down to your competition and then there's digging hundreds of feet beneath them. Josh Allen carried that torch and used your intestines as its lighting fuel.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Green Bay's top searched video on Pornhub, Week of Sept. 23 2018]]\\
'''UT''': Was your team in fucking ''Wisconsin'' for the game or something? ''[an image appears of the Bills' official Twitter account announcing "Your Bills have arrived." with a graphic of a journey from Buffalo to... western Wisconsin, to which the Vikings' official Twitter account snarks, "Can't get anything by us, @buffalobills. We actually play in the other Minnesota."]'' Jesus ''Christ'', no wonder why this team can't win anything worth a damn. They're being routed by a place where there's nothing better to do but fuck like jackrabbits!\\
'''Headline:''' [[AC:Jordan Matthews on Buffalo baby: 'Nothing to do there except each other']]\\
'''Caption:''' [[AC:Condoms, Jordan...]]
!![[AC:NFL Week Four (2018)]]
* With Buffalo fresh from their upset win over Minnesota, Tree brings back the Buffalo Optimism Meter for their trip to Green Bay. It breaks again almost immediately...
-->'''UT''': I'm gonna try and bring out the Buffalo Optimism Meter once again. ''[a Bills logo with the Caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0" appears in the top right]'' They are back to a relatively healthy 60% ''["60%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' after a stunning and impressive victory over Minnesota in the 'dome. Now they fly to the ''[[CallBack real]]'' Wisconsin to face the Packarena. That would be optimistic, there is no such thing in this league.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:10%]]\\
'''UT''': Buffalo is dominated in every way, shape, and/or form against a team with a bunch of question marks on it.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-20%]]\\
'''UT''': And this wasn't because of Aaron Rodgers, it was thanks to the Packers' D.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-80%]]\\
'''UT''': You do realise this defence isn't that good, right.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:[[INeedAFreakingDrink Bars are open until 4am]]]]\\
'''UT''': Josh Allen returned to being a rookie and the Optimism Meter crashed again.\\
'''What is Optimism? Buffa[[CallBack lol]] Pegulas''': ''[LosingHorns]'' [[AC:[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Norwood Scott Norwood]]]]\\
'''UT''': Back to the R&D department...
!![[AC:NFL Week Six (2018)]]
* Even without Ben [=McAdoo=], the Derp in New York is as strong as ever...
-->'''UT''': ''[as the Derp Song plays in the background]'' This has been the year where a lot of precious memes have died, but some grow ever stronger. The legend of the Derp is a thriving specimen. Mix in total annihilation[[note]]34-13, to be exact.[[/note]] at the hands of an Eagles team eager to make an example of someone, the wasted talents of Saquon Barkley, and the cutting of a certain turnstile ''[Headline: Giants cut Ereck Flowers]'' ''[Caption: Holy shit they did it]'' that will not be named helped to bring this pot to a boil. ''[over footage of Odell Beckham Jr. attacking a giant electric fan on the touchline to vent his frustration]'' The seasoning for this wonderous feast of Derp will be the salt of Odell Beckham, who has seen what Antonio Brown has been doing and has decided he wants to be the best in ''that'' regard as well. ''[Headline: Giants owner wants Odell Beckham to make headlines on field]'' One of these days the Giants will realise that Eli Manning should have been retired to pasture years ago, but the G-Men still need to pretend they are playoff contenders. In some Connecticut middle school, Ben [=McAdoo=] is pleasuring himself to his correct assumption on the Derp master. The ride never ends, boys...
* Another new version of the Buffalo Optimism Meter is rolled out after the Bills' shock win over the Titans in Week 5. In Week 6, the Bills go to Houston, and...
-->'''UT''': Last we checked in on the Bills, ''[a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0" appears in the top right]'' the Buffalo Optimism Meter was re-introduced at... let's say 20%. ''["20%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' They held on for victory at home last week and are facing another team with glaring flaws. So far the result of this game has been... more offensive ineptitude.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-40%]]\\
'''UT''': Despite the Texans continuing to trip over themselves like a toddler and the defence doing their part, the Bills can't do anything of note besides a few field goals.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-60%]]\\
'''UT''': When you think it can't get worse... ''[Headline: Josh Allen won't play against Colts because of elbow injury]'' Josh Allen gets injured.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:-150%]]\\
'''UT''': Enter the return of... Petermeme.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[yell of agony]'' [[AC:Where's [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._P._Losman J.P. Losman's]] number?]]\\
'''UT''': He bumbles around to give Buffalo the... lead, what the hell?\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[ding!]'' [[AC:[[HopeSpot Why do I have a half-chub?]]]]\\
'''UT''': Am I seeing reality? The Bills might win it... oh my glorious God. ''[Peterman attempts a pass with just over a minute left, but the pass is intercepted by Jonathan Joseph and run back for a touchdown; 20-13 Texans]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''["Oh NO!"]'' [[AC:Full Petermeme]]\\
[[AC:Liquor drought in the region]]\\
''[explosion]'' [[AC:Optimism? Buffa[[RunningGag lol]]? A foolish proposition!]]\\
'''UT''': The more things change, the more they stay the same. ''[''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "lose a life" jingle]'' Better luck next time, Buffalol!
* The Bears have taken to Miami for a showdown with the Dolphins, who are starting a quarterback not expected, and things get ugly fast.
-->'''Headline''': [[AC:Tannehill inactive, Osweiler starts for Dolphins]]\\
'''UT''': Oh god, you can't be fucking serious. The Dolphins are starting '''''BROCK OSWEILER?!?!''''' ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Houston Texans Cry in Their Sleep"]] [[note]]At each of these intermissions, music from ''Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia'' plays.[[/note]]\\
''[Cut to the first half almost over...]''\\
'''UT''': The game is so far going as everyone expects it to. Brock Osweiler is playing like shit and da Bears have the lead. ''[...and then seven minutes remaining in the third quarter]'' It doesn't matter that the offense can't convert into premium results, you're playing Osweiler. This shouldn't be hard.\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Bears Experience Brocktober"]]\\
''[Cut to a bit over nine minutes remaining in the fourth quarter with the Bears up 21-13...]''\\
'''UT''': This is when that vaunted front seven of the Bears can't do anything against Osweiler ''[...and then with the Bears up 28-21 with a bit over three minutes to go...]'' or an offensive line injured to shit and the Dolphins tie the game up. Throughout the Windy City, panic and uncertainty begin to set in. How the fuck are they choking up like this?! ''[...and then to the game a little less than three minutes into overtime.]'' Why are the Dolphins marching against that D? Why are they on the goddamn 1-yard line?!\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Dolphins Lose Echolocation"]]\\
''[Cut to the game almost halfway through overtime...]''\\
'''UT''': Miami then realizes they have narratives to maintain and choke everything to shit on the fucking 1-yard line. ''[...and then with less than four minutes remaining.]'' What a shocker, the Dolphins are going to blow it now! What higher power can fuck this up for the Bears?!\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"The Bears Get [=McCaskey=]'d"]]\\
''[Cut to the Bears attempting a game-winning field goal with two minutes left, to no avail]''\\
'''UT''': How many times are these teams going to try to lose this game?! Can we somehow give both of these teams losses?! Neither deserve to win this shit fest! Oh lord, another field goal try. I pray he misses, a tie would be fitting.\\
'''Title Card''': [[AC:"Miami Keeps the Laces Out"]]\\
''[Cut to Jason Sanders kicking a 47-yard game winning field goal as time expires.]''\\
'''UT''': Conglaturation, Dolphins, you failed less than the Bears today.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Why the hell aren't the Bears 5-0 right now?]]\\
'''UT''': Take this undeserved win and get the fuck out of my face! ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''\\
!![[AC:NFL Week Ten (2018)]]
* The Lions' hopes for a good season are dashed by a 34-22 shellacking in Chicago. And, as Tree reveals, Detroit's basketball, hockey, and baseball fans have just as much cause for pessimism...
-->'''UT''': You think it couldn't get worse for you, Detroit, didja. Aw, look at how they think they had a chance at 10-6 this year, that's cute. Here comes the airplane known as Khalil Mack to smash your teeth in and put you back in the infirmary! Soldier Field was a slaughtering ground! A slaughtering of any hope that the Lions may have had for this season. Unless they win out, Detroit is ''done''. Even then, it may not be enough. Don't worry though, guys, even though you got routed by Chicago, at least you still have the Pistons.\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Pistons feel Hornets' sting, drop third straight at home]]\\
'''UT''': The Red Wings?\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Red Wings keep sending mixed signals about rebuild]]\\
'''UT''': ''The Tigers!?''\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Tigers remain committed to losing, will not sign big name free agents this offseason]]\\
'''UT''': Your whole city is fucked. Where's Film/{{RoboCop|1987}} when you need him?
!![[AC:NFL Week Twelve (2018)]]
* Four weeks after giving Hue Jackson his long overdue marching orders, the Browns cross Ohio to play the Bengals, whose new "assistant to the head coach" (and ''de facto'' defensive co-ordinator) is... Hue Jackson.[[note]]Making this his ''third'' stint with the Bengals.[[/note]] Cue revenge for two and a half seasons of abject failure:
-->'''UT''': A bittersweet reunion between Hue Jackson and the Browns. Let's remember all the good times... that would be this game. The team that formerly employed Jackson laid into the ever-loving shit against the defence that Hue Jackson now "assists" in running. Conglaturation, Bungles, you have lost your punching bag of the division. They were straight ''annihilated''. Cincinnati gets some prizes too, though.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Report: AJ Green Won't Return for Bengals vs. Browns Due to Toe Injury]]\\
'''UT''': First, an injury taking A.J. Green out of this game, limiting your air attack. Speaking of passing, Andy Dalton's thumb got ''wrecked''.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch and yell of pain]'' [[AC:Bengals QB Andy Dalton suffers thumb injury in loss]]\\
'''UT''': Bow down to a team that hadn't won a road game in over ''three years''. The shade that the Browns were throwing at Hue Jackson all game was [[LaserGuidedKarma delicious karma]]. ''[Browns safety Damarious Randall intercepts a pass from Andy Dalton and sarcastically presents the ball to Jackson on the sidelines]'' It's obvious that he can't lead an organisation and left bad blood in Cleveland.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Baker Mayfield calls Hue Jackson 'fake' after being told to 'grow up']]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Purely savage]]\\
'''UT''': Let's make him our heir apparent to Marvin Lewis!?... ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Hue Jackson could be next in line to be the Bengals' next head coach if Marvin Lewis exits]]\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''UT''': And you wonder why the Bungles are their namesake.
!![[AC:NFL Week Fourteen (2018)]]
* The New England Patriots are about to escape Miami with a win. And then Miami pulls off a miracle.
-->'''UT''': All they have to do is coast to victory.\\
''(Tannehill passes the ball to Kenny Stills, who laterals the ball to [=DeVante=] Parker. Parker then laterals it to Kenyan Drake, who takes off running. As he nears the endzone, the Patriot with the best chance to tackle him is tight end Rob Gronkowski, playing deep in anticipation of a Hail Mary pass)''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:It's an extremely low percentage play. [[TemptingFate No way they pull it off.]]]]\\
'''UT''': There's no way Drake's gonna get past...''Gronk?''\\
'''Caption''': ''(accompanied by RecordNeedleScratch)'' [[AC:Seriously? Gronk?]]\\
''(Gronkowski whiffs on the tackle as Drake runs the ball into the endzone, winning the game for Miami. After this happens, Series/ThePriceIsRight theme plays, fireworks go off and CONGLATURATION! flashes on the screen)''\\
'''UT''': [[SarcasmMode Oh, boo-hoo. The Patriots have to eat shit thanks to choking on Miami's boot again. Quick, let me reach into my bag of fucks to give.]]\\
''(Tree begins to laugh his ass off as the following captions flash on the screen:''\\
[[AC:How do you blow that?]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]]\\
[[AC:Those missed points!]]\\
[[AC:Bad kicking!]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]]\\
''(At this point, Film/BillyMadison screams "YOU BLEW IT!" repeatedly and [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyX Tidus' fake laugh]] is heard over the din. All the while, Tree continues to laugh his ass off)''\\
[[AC:Fucking Gronk!]]\\
[[AC:Glorious Karma!]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]]\\
[[AC:Seriously, why Gronk?]]\\
[[AC:Nobody has sympathy!]]\\
[[AC:Praise the football gods!]]\\
[[AC:Conglaturation!]])\\
'''UT''': I FUCKING '''''LOVE IT!'''''
!![[AC:NFL Week Fifteen (2018)]]
* Things are looking very good for the Chiefs. They're at home against the Chargers, a division rival they haven't lost to since 2013, up 14 over 93% of the way through regulation. And if they win this, they clinch not only the division, but a first round bye in the playoffs. And the Patriots' recent loss from the Miracle in Miami puts Kansas City in prime position to clinch the #1 seed and home-field advantage, too. They just have to pull it together, and it's basically theirs for the taking.
-->'''UT''': It's a narrative unlike any other in the AFC West the Chargers cannot beat Kansas City. The everlasting hype between Hunter Henry and Derek Johnson ''[Caption: THANK YOU, STEPHEN A. SMITH FOR SUCH BRILLIANT ANALYSIS]'' comes to a head for a shot at division supremacy. In the beginning, narratives were safe. The Chiefs were stomping all over their fresh bait with 14 point leads aplenty. A celebration was about to begin at Arrowhead. ''[A graph shows KC having a 99.3% chance of winning]'' Up by two scores with four minutes left in the 99% chance of winning. The wonders of Reid have truly faded! A man of majesty indeed.\\
''[Rivers hands it off to Jackson, who gets into the end zone with 3:49 remaining to make the score 28-21 following an extra point.]''\\
'''UT''': No worries my friends, though. Ram the ball and finish them!\\
''[Facing a 3rd and 13 near their own goal line with 3:25 left, Mahomes is sacked.]''\\
'''UT''': Gods, it's happening again. Prepare the bunkers, everyone! ''[a siren blares in the background]'' The Chiefs are buckling and their defense is smoldering plastic! Full Reid has awoken from dormancy! The Diamond Dogs give zero fucks as the women and children are crying in the corner! If you have a God, pray to it now!\\
''[Rivers makes a pass to Michael Williams to put them up 28-27 with four seconds left.]''\\
'''UT''': Prepare the bunkers again! ''[the sirens get more extreme]'' Angry Chiefs fans are coming to bitch about refball! ''[Caption: NICE "PENALTY"]'' Even though their fourth touchdown drive ''[Caption: "HOLDING PENALTY"]'' was aided by bad calls and they missed a plate and helmet to helmet head on Rivers ''[Caption: THE NFL CARES SO MUCH ABOUT PLAYERS SAFETY, DON'T THEY?]'', so the incompetence was equal opportunity. ''[Caption: THE SIMULTANEOUS REACTION OF EVERY CHIEFS FAN IN ATTENDANCE, over a frame of Orlando Scandrick looking stunned]'' And the Chargers aren't wasting time, they're going straight for the kill. I know I'm conservative was going for two, but here? Do it. ''[Caption: THAT KINDA SEEMS LIKE A PUSHOFF. As the replay shows Williams in a pushoff against one of the Chargers defenders]'' Make us laugh at failure yet again!\\
''[The 2-point pass is easily made, putting the Chargers up 29-28, which would be the final score. Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''\\
'''UT''': The Chargers have cojones of titanium. ''[Caption: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THESE REFS ARE FUCKING ATROCIOUS FOR BOTH SIDES]'' Walking on water and silencing their enemies with another comeback! Narratives die ''[Caption: BOB SUTTON'S SECONDARY, EVERYONE!, showing an aerial view of the attempt.]'' as Rivers probably has a few more kids as a result. And there's also a playoff berth in here somewhere, too.\\
[[AC:Los Angeles Chargers: Playoff bound!]] ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': Don't worry too much, Chiefs, at least you guys still control your own destiny. ''[Mr. Kincade from the WesternAnimation/SouthPark episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!"]'' You're gonna blow this, aren't you.
* Entering a matchup between the Raiders who could be Las Vegas bound soon, and the Bengals, who got off to a great start for the season but have since floundered massively, it's a Tank Bowl! But things get weird. ''Really'' weird.
-->'''UT''': Another Tank Bowl? How many of them are there going to be this week?![[note]]This episode had two more before it, Tank Bowl XII with the Cardinals and Falcons, and XIII with the Lions and Bills. Tank Bowl XV between the Redskins and the Jaguars appears later in the video.[[/note]]\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a shortened version of "Roundball Rock"]'' [[AC: TANK BOWL XIV: Raiders vs Bengals]]\\
'''UT''': Yeah, I think this joke is running on high mileage at this point. Oakland, I know it's been a rough year for you but let's check the news; maybe something good happened to you after that win against Pittsburgh. Well, you fired your GM Reggie [=McKenzie=] ''[Headline: Reggie [=McKenzie=] out as Raiders General Manager]'' after he lost his power struggle, unsurprising. The city of Oakland is suing you and the NFL ''[Headline: City of Oakland Suing NFL over Raiders' move to Las Vegas]''; that's always a sign of goodwill. This also means you could be thrown out of the city ''[Headline: Where Will The Oakland Raiders Call Home In 2019?]'' and have to scramble for a new home next year; fun times. ''[Headline: Amari Cooper Says Mark Davis, Not Jon Gruden, Wanted To Trade Star WR]'' Here's Amari Cooper saying that Jon Gruden ''wasn't'' the one that got him traded; I need popcorn for this saga. And ah yes ''[Headline: Martavis Bryant Suspended Indefinitely by NFL for Substance Abuse Violation]'', Martavis Bryant got suspended indefinitely because he can't stop smoking weed, more good news. On the field, yeah, you got your shit kicked in by a broken team because your idea of stopping Joe Mixon was letting him run free in the hopes that he'd run out of batteries. Take this complimentary loss as ''[Caption: MIGHT AS WELL CLOSE OFF THE UPPER BOWLS FOR THIS GAME, and shows a picture of the top stands mostly empty]'' nobody bothered to show up to the stadium to even SEE your ass-kicking. Cincy wins the game and they also win another prize: playoff elimination!\\
[[AC: Cincinnati Bengals: Eliminated!]] ''[StockScream is used as a black spit is thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Do you guys remember when the Bungles were 4-1? Seems like it's in a different age when you look back on it. You got exposed and your answer is probably going to be Hue Jackson or more Marvin Lewis. You guys are fucked. Have a nice life!
* With the defending champions hanging on by a thread after a disappointing season sweep courtesy of the Cowboys, their next stop is Los Angeles for a showdown with a Rams team that they're expected to get demolished by. Things go FromBadToWorse with Carson Wentz suffering a back injury that basically has him out for the season. No way can Nick Foles bring them back again. Right?
-->'''UT''': The Eagles are dealing with panic yet again. They're gingerly straddling the lines of playoff elimination. Even worse, their former lord and savior Carson Wentz is dealing with an injury and may not return this season. ''[Headlines: Carson Wentz has back injury that could shut him down for season / Nick Foles To Start Sunday's Game Against Rams Due To Carson Wentz's Injury]'' Re-enter the legend of Philadelphia. '''BIG. DICK. NICK.''' His mythos is continuing in the hostile territory of the Rams with another strong performance. ''[Headline: Eagles news: The Rams are preparing for Eagles fans to invade their home stadium]'' I'd like to believe that's why a swath of Eagles fans made the trek to LA to cheer them on. Hell, his magic even affected the Rams' offense. Jared Goff, this is not the time to revert to rookie form. You have a #1 seed to try and shoot for!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Jeff Fisher must be in the stands.]]\\
'''UT''': The only thing he's shooting is his own ass! Even then, the Eagles have loved themselves a good collapse this year. They're ready to bend over and take a painful colonoscopy of a loss!\\
''[The final play of the game is Goff throwing from the Eagles' 18-yard line for the end zone, but the pass falls incomplete as time expires, making the final score 30-23 Eagles.]''\\
'''UT''': The Rams are now stunned on the ground only mumbling the word "Foles". I think Philly's doing this shit on purpose!
!![[AC:NFL Week Seventeen (2018)]]
* The Eagles go to Washington with the postseason on the line; a win, coupled with a Vikings defeat at home to the Bears, will net Philadelphia the final NFC Wild Card spot. Luckily, the Redskins are at a disadvantage which Tree decides merits an award:
-->'''UT''': First, the Eagles have to take care of their own business against a team probably starting the ball boy and a few janitors at this point. Redskins, your season may have fallen to shit faster than the Aztec Empire, but you can at least take home one award: the Injury Bowl.\\
''[with a SickeningCrunch and yell of agony, the "YOU'RE WINNER !" trophy from ''VideoGame/BigRigsOverTheRoadRacing'' appears on screen... its stem broken in half]''\\
'''UT''': Just be careful with it, it's fragile.
* With the NFC's playoff picture all wrapped up, now it's to the AFC, where two AFC South teams are competing for the last slot. And Pittsburgh hoping for an absurdity.
-->[[AC: AFC Sixth Battle Plan: Tennessee - Win and in / Indianapolis - Win and in / Pittsburgh - Ten/Ind tie and in]]\\
'''UT''': As for the final playoff spot available, it's simple between the Colts and Titans as they play each other: win or go home. If they somehow tie, the Steelers end up clinching the sixth seed. Knowing everything, Pittsburgh's getting this spot, aren't they. ''[cut to the game]'' If so, it's going to be harder for them as Marcus Mariota will NOT be playing this week. ''[Headline: Marcus Mariota out vs. Colts; stinger puts QB's long-term throwing ability at risk]'' Turns out that stinger he suffered was more severe than once thought ''[Headline: Marcus Mariota reportedly at risk of permanently damaging his shoulder]'' and he may risk permanent damage if he tries to tough it out. Thus, Tennessee must rely on their new golden goose in Blaine Fucking Gabbert.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC: This is the sound when all hope dies]]\\
'''UT''': Oh boy. If anything, at least Indianapolis is impaling themselves on the same pike repeatedly by means of turnovers and penalties. This game is somewhat competitive despite the Colts dominating the stats sheet. Tennessee still has a chance. And honestly, that's all they need.\\
''[Almost 85% of the way through the game with the Titans down 17-24, Gabbert scrambles then throws a pass, only to be intercepted by Colts defensive back Kenny Moore.]''\\
'''UT''': Right, they have Blaine Gabbert as their QB, that'll kill off any optimism. Indianapolis finishes them off and you have another Titans season that's... Do I honestly have to say it?\\
[[AC: Tennessee Titans: Eliminated!]] ''[a throwing up sound can be heard over black spit being thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Too inconsistent. That's what I call the Titans. A team that would smoke the Patriots and then fall to shit against teams like the Bills. That's never a recipe for success, no matter how many times you try to go for 2. Now you wonder if Mariota can stay healthy enough to be the permanent solution! That's never a good question to have. In fact, this is a two for one special! This also cancels the annual march of the Yinzers.\\
[[AC: Pittsburgh Steelers: Eliminated!]] ''[A stock scream from one of the Mortal Kombat games is heard over the black spit being thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Total and utter fucking failures. The entirety of the football world dances. The soap opera reaches an early end. I would grab my axe, but it was lost under the collapse. By process of elimination, the Colts are the last man standing! They have made it back to the playoffs.\\
[[AC: Indianapolis Colts: Playoff bound!]] ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': This is honestly a really goddamn good job by them. From going 1-5 with brutal losses aplenty to rattling off 9 of 10 wins thanks to a resurgent Andrew Luck. Once again, another very interesting team for January.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Days of Our Steelers]]
The drama on and off the field involving the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2018-19 became so all-engulfing that Tree decided to spin off "Days of Our Steelers" from "This Week in Sportsball". Fans of the other 31 NFL teams got a lot of laughs out of the results...
!![[AC:Episode Nine: A High-Speed Poaching]]
* Tree compares the Carolina Panthers' heading into Pittsburgh to take on the Steelers to [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Homer skateboarding over Springfield Gorge]] in "Bart the Daredevil", [[HopeSpot thinking they've got a chance at winning]] after quickly jumping out to a 7-0 lead... before [[CurbStompBattle being blown out 52-21 by the Steelers]].
!![[AC:Episode Twelve: Rivers of Woe]]
* This episode comes hot on the heels of the Steelers losing to the Broncos in Week 12 and looking for redemption at home to the Chargers, and they seem well-placed with a 23-7 lead at half time.[[note]]The Chargers' touchdown drew Steelers fan ire for resulting from a false start that was overlooked by the officials.[[/note]]
** The first signs of trouble occur near the end of the third quarter when the Steelers get in their own way in multiple senses of the phrase as Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers tries to pass to wide receiver Keenan Allen in the end zone:
--->'''UT''': ''["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice]'' Fortunately, the Chargers offence has done nothing against the Steel Curtain all game. The running game is stuffed. The passing lanes are blocked. And Philip Rivers is taking such a beating that he may have a tenth child on the field. ''[Rivers lines up a pass to Allen, but Steelers cornerback Joe Haden is directly in the path of the pass...]'' An easy intercep- ''[... only for free safety Sean Davis to collide with him, knocking him to the ground and allowing Allen to grab the ball for a touchdown]'' ''[breaking character]'' Huh! That's funny! I could have sworn we cut Mike Mitchell in the ''spring!''\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the collision]'' [[AC:Head-hunting: Not even once]]\\
'''UT''': That was an easy fucking interception and one of our ''high draft picks'' comes in with a hit stick and kills our best corner! Now we have to deal with Artie Burns sucking dicks again! ''[Burns completely fails to block Rivers' pass to tight end Antonio Gates for a 2-point conversion]'' Fucking lovely!
** The Chargers score two more touchdowns (with a total of three extra points) as Steelers fans begin attacking Chargers fans and each other in the stands before another Steelers touchdown ties it at 30 with four minutes left. Then... well, let's just say Tree breaks character for the rest of the video:
--->'''UT''': ''["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice]'' All the defence has to do is make a stop with four minutes left. To no-one's surprise, they can't accomplish this goal. ''[Rivers passes through a huge gap in the Steelers' defence to Allen for a 12-yard gain]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Because Zone D has worked so well for this team in these situations...]]\\
'''UT''': Slowly chipping away at the field, the Steeler faithful panics at what could be their fate. Their overconfidence would be shattered. Pants shitting increases twentyfold as they reach field goal range. It will take a miracle for this to continue.\\
''[Chargers kicker Michael Badgley lines up a 39-yard field goal attempt, which goes wide left]''\\
'''UT''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' ''[breaks character]'' [-YES! THEY STILL SUCK! FUCK YOU SPANOS, YOUR KICKER IS- -] ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur a 5-yard penalty for defensive offside]'' [-'''''[[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUUUCK!]]''''' GODDAMN IT, HADEN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS! Now they can kick again!-]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"But he wasn't offsides" ~Steelers fans]]\\
''[Badgley lines up a 34-yard field goal attempt, which is blocked by Steelers cornerback Artie Burns... who is well over the line of scrimmage when the play begins]'' ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur ''another'' 5-yard penalty for defensive offside]''\\
'''UT''': That was so goddamn obvious it's like they're deliberately ''trying'' to cheese the system. Just take them to the goal line at this rate. Good ''God''.\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the offside]'' [[AC:They're trying to force a game glitch. I've seen this too many times.]]\\
''[Badgley lines up a 29-yard field goal attempt, and makes no mistake this time despite another defensive offside by the Steelers. Final score: Chargers 33, Steelers 30]''\\
'''UT''': ''[sarcastically]'' And, of course, they make it. ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen]'' I'm more amazed at Artie Burns. The dude was so offsides he ''missed the kick.''\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the field goal as Burns throws himself onto the ground in front of Badgley before he even gets the ball]'' [[AC:How to fail at imitating "In the Line of Fire"]]\\
'''UT''': You can't cover a geriatric tight end yet ''blaze'' past the holder!? GOD, you fucking suck!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of Burns failing utterly to stop Rivers passing to Gates for a 2-point conversion]'' [[AC:First round pick]]
** Cue another TheReasonYouSuckSpeech from Tree to the Steelers organisation:
--->'''UT''': All I wanted to do was laugh at the Chargers and Spanos for roughly the seventy-third time, but ''nope!'' You guys had to ''fuck it all up!'' The Steelers had a statement win in the palm of their hands and they let it slip away! I know everyone's going to blame the refs, or the long snapper, or the Patriots, or the wind blowing in from the river, but here's reality: great teams finish off their prey, no matter the circumstances! A 16-point lead with the ball at half should have been Game Over. They ''fucking'' blew it. ''[a tweet from ESPN's Twitter account observes that the loss set a record for biggest blown lead by the Steelers at home]'' It's not hard to admit. At the end of the day, that uncalled false start doesn't matter. The refs didn't cause Sean [[MaliciousMisnaming Mitchell]] to level a guy with an easy interception. The refs didn't cause the defence to fail miserably to make any kind of stop. The refs didn't stop the Steelers offence from making ''any'' kind of progress in the second half.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Ben Roethlisberger is sacked for a 10-yard loss while trying to line up a pass]'' [[AC:BRB need to attempt fifty more passes]]\\
'''UT''': The refs didn't force the Steelers to cover the best wide receiver on the other team with ''fucking linebackers'' all game! ''[a tweet from Warren Sharp points out that such tactical blunders are why "the Steelers get owned by the Patriots"]'' Jesus, even Shazier wouldn't have been able to cover Keenan Allen, how the hell do you expect Jon Bostic to!? I'm not pissed that they lost, I'm pissed at the ''way'' they lost. ''[cut to Mike Tomlin holding a press conference]'' Did you see what the Chargers did, Tomlin?!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Call more unnecessary challenges you'll lose, Mike]]\\
'''UT''': It's called "adjusting to your gameplan". You got horribly outcoached by a second-year guy missing his best running back, defensive tackle, and middle linebacker! And you know they aren't going to learn a ''damn'' thing from this! They're just going to blame the refs for their loss and call it a day.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"But muh block in the back" ~Steelers fans]]\\
'''UT''': But while you do that, not only is a first round bye all but out of the question, guess who's snuck behind you again? ''[footage of the Ravens' Week 12 and 13 wins against the Raiders and Falcons, respectively]'' Baltimore. They're a half game back now. You're back in the muck, Steelers. Try thinking you're above everything some more, it's worked ''so'' well for you in the past. [[TemptingFate If they lose to Oakland next week]] I'm going to break some necks. ''[the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears over another replay of the winning field goal]'' It's not like we're dealing with injuries.\\
'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:James Conner injury update: Steelers RB (ankle) ruled out vs. Raiders]]\\
[[AC:Rookie RB Jaylen Samuels Expects to Start Against Raiders]]\\
'''UT''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh boy, now we're starting a converted tight end at running back. Fucking wonderful.
!![[AC:Episode Thirteen: A Tomlin Tradition]]
* "If they lose to Oakland next week I'm going to break some necks," as Tree said after the Chargers' victory at Heinz Field. The metaphorical neck-breaking is as funny as it is merciless.
** With the Ravens, Texans, and Patriots respectively losing to the Chiefs, Colts, and Dolphins, the stage appears to be set for the Steelers moving toward a first round bye with an easy win over the 2-10 Raiders, but they haven't won in Oakland since 1995, and have a tenuous 14-10 lead entering the fourth quarter. As Tree declares "The Steelers are once again playing down to their competition," a caption appears reading [[AC:[[DrinkingGame "There needs to be a drinking meter every time I say that phrase"]]]].
** Ben Roethlisberger spends most of the second half on the sidelines with a vaguely described rib injury, only returning to the field after the Raiders take a 17-14 lead with 5:20 left.
--->'''UT''': ''[out of character, sarcastically]'' Aren't you guys just ''so'' proud? ''[as Raiders quarterback Derek Carr makes a 3-yard touchdown pass to tight end Lee Smith]'' Look at this fucking defence ''bend!''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:They should do more team celebrations for unforced turnovers]][[note]]A poke at the Steelers doing exactly that near the end of the third quarter.[[/note]]\\
'''UT''': Look at them give up insatiable yardage to a team with rookie tackles, faded skill players, and the shattered dreams of what was once a quarterback! They burned ''eight fucking minutes'' on a touchdown drive!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"Underrated defense"]]\\
'''UT''': You couldn't stop ''this'' fucking outfit, are you ''shitting'' me?!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Reason for length of Roethlisberger absence still not entirely clear]]\\
'''UT''': Oh, so ''now'' we see Captain Fat Fuck come into the game! When everything is falling to shit so talent can bail us out again! ''[in character as Roethlisberger passes to [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster for a touchdown, giving the Steelers a 21-17 lead]'' They do. Beautiful talent as far as the eye can see. Even the defence is ''[breaks character]'' doing fucking nothing. They're straight up putting a ''boot'' up their asses. You're seriously trying to tell me that this team was ''prepared!?'' They haven't learned a fucking ''thing!''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Carr passes to wide receiver Seth Roberts for a 39-yard gain]'' [[AC:At least he's not covered by a linebacker?]]\\
'''UT''': I don't think Oakland's going to win, but ''Jesus fuck'', this is horrible!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Two plays. 1:25 off the clock. No timeouts used. Peak Tomlin.]]\\
'''UT''': By the way, can someone ''please'' explain to me how Mike Tomlin still can't manage a game clock!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[after an incomplete pass from Carr to tight end Jared Cook]'' [[AC:Timeout used after incompletion. Inexcusable.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[as Carr passes to tight end Derek Carrier for a touchdown to give the Raiders a 24-21 lead with 21 seconds left, accompanied by a musical sting]'' Jesus Christ, it's going to happen. The Steelers losing a football game to a glorified college team.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:They're being beaten by players auto-generated in Madden. Christ.]]\\
'''UT''': Did they not realise that the Raiders weren't just going to fucking lie down and ''die?!'' But wait - here comes the high end talent!\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Roethlisberger passes to James Washington, who laterals to Smith-Schuster, who is run out of bounds in field goal range]'' [[AC:A random big play out of their ass. Predictable as hell.]]\\
'''WesternAnimation/MightyMouse''': ''[singing]'' Here I come to save the dayyyy!\\
'''UT''': It's going to mask all of their worthless failure in this game and everyone's going to ignore the glaring issues. Just pull off the bullshit already.\\
''[Steelers kicker Chris Boswell lines up a 40-yard field goal attempt, but falls over with a comedy sound effect as the Raiders easily block the kick. Final score: Steelers 21, Raiders 24]''\\
'''Film/BillyMadison''': YOU BLEW IT!!!\\
'''UT''': [[TranquilFury Are you fucking kidding me.]] All that flash and trickery to lose like ''that?'' What the hell happened to Boswell? The dude was fucking automatic last year and now he's treating the field like a water slide!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the missed kick]'' [[AC:Sadly, he will probably be the only one punished for this loss]]\\
''[as Boswell gives a locker room press conference]'' [[AC:Not saying it isn't deserved, though]]\\
'''UT''': Are you sure it wasn't just Switzer with the cleat fuckup? Fucking hell, this team is a joke!
** And so the stage is set for a blistering TheReasonYouSuckSpeech...
--->'''UT''': I can't honestly be shocked or surprised as most of you are. There was a part of my mind thinking that they were going to fuck this up, and ''by God'' they did. The Steelers pull this shit ''every goddamn year''. It's hard to be angry when it's a tradition dating back to the days of Cowher! Even then, the bar's lower than ever. You guys lost to the ''Raiders''. This team has been openly punting the season since August and outright ''dominated'' in most games they've played! You were defeated by the NFL equivalent of [[TakeThat Rutgers!]] A golden opportunity completely ''fucking'' squandered because the team chose to be cocky and arrogant like they always are! ''[footage of Mike Tomlin holding a post-game press conference]'' Twelve years, Tomlin.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:It's obviously fixed with cliches, [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment obviously]]]]\\
'''UT''': Twelve years in this league as a coach and you ''still'' don't know how to manage a fucking game clock! Why didn't you call your last timeout? Why didn't you try ''anything'' different offensively? Why the ''fuck'' can't the defence cover a tight end if their lives depended on it!? What are they going to do against Gronk? Put Vance [=McDonald=] in cover?! Why in the living hell was one of your best offensive weapons on the goddamn ''sideline'' while the offence was struggling!?\\
'''Mike Tomlin''': ... you know, he... got looked at half time, he got... treatment, he came back out, um... we were waitin' to see if he was gonna be able to come back in, he was... um... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Benedict Tomlin handing over West Point to the British, 2018]]\\
'''UT''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' Okay, Tomlin. I'm going to pretend that I did ''not'' hear that, because I could have sworn you just indicted yourself for utter incompetence! So please, let me clear my ears. Explain yourself, Mike.\\
'''Tomlin''': ... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Mike Tomlin suggests Ben Roethlisberger could have returned sooner than he did]]\\
'''Caption''': ''[as a tweet from Ray Fittipaldo appears asking what "rhythm and flow" even means]'' [[AC:Just soak those comments in...]]\\
'''UT''': You have got to be ''fucking'' shitting me. '''What the FUCK kind of reasoning is that!?''' "Rhythm and flow", WHAT GODDAMN FLOW?! I saw a lot of "terrible" and "dogshit" if you can call that a "flow"! That offence had about as much rhythm as a yinzer after fifteen I.C. Lights! This shit is grounds for being fired!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:My bowels have more flow.]]\\
'''UT''': I expect this sort of ineptitude from ''[[TakeThat Hue Jackson]]'', that's how bad this looks. ''[over more footage of Tomlin talking to the press]'' Look at this guy, firing off every cliché in the book about "fundamentals" and "the standard being the standard" and "not living in our fears" because we're going to jump off this ledge into a pile of spikes! This shit all adds up. The overconfidence in your schemes, the way the players are acting, the way ''everyone'' dismissed Oakland as inferior on the team! You looked past your opponent again, didn't you. '''Did you learn ANYTHING from Jacksonville?! How much of a cheerleader are you!?''' At this point you're [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muhammad_Saeed_al-Sahhaf Baghdad Bob]] pretending everything is fine as there's drama coming out of this organisation '''every fucking week!'''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:"We're going to look at the tape of the implosion. Also the standard is the standard."]]\\
'''UT''': How the FUCK don't you know if a player has the right fucking cleats before the game!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[over an interview with Ryan Switzer, the player who had the wrong cleats]'' [[AC:This unprepared at a professional level?]]\\
'''UT''': It's a lack of focus to detail, just like '''every other year!''' Now they get to potentially be in the shit with New England and New Orleans coming up! High end talent can't bail you out forever, Mike! Just ask [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_McCarthy_(American_football) the other Mike]] from Green Bay how piggybacking off Aaron Rodgers worked out for him! You better be thankful that the Steelers don't fire coaches or else you'd be out on your ass soon! ''["Days of Our Steelers" title appears]'' This team fucking ''sucks!''\\
'''Headline''': ''[fart noise]'' [[AC:Mike Tomlin blames Raiders X-ray machine for the delay in getting Ben Roethlisberger back on the field]]\\
'''UT''': A fucking X-ray machine!? ''That's'' your fucking excuse?!\\
''[Test Pattern]''
!![[AC:Episode Fourteen: A Patriot's End]]
* "Yinzer Mode" gets a CallBack when the Steelers defeat the Patriots, something they hadn't done since 2011.
-->''(Steelers are leading, 17-10. Tom Brady throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 15, Steelers take over on downs. "Hallelujah" starts playing in the background)''\\
'''Tree:''' ''(gradually more excited)'' Oh my God... they beat New England. They beat New England. They beat the Patriots. Holy shit, they did it! They beat New England! They beat New England! They did it! They fucking beat New England! They did it!\\
''(Steelers QB takes a knee, Steelers win)''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off]'' [[AC:YINZER MODE ACTIVATED]]\\
'''Tree:''' [-THEY DID IT! THEY BEAT NEW ENGLAND! YEEEEAAAAAH!! OH MY GOD THEY DID IT, THEY BEAT FUCKING NEW ENGLAND! THEY TOOK OUT THOSE FUCKING PATRIOTS! YEEEEEAAAH!!-]
* Throughout the rest of the video, Tree can be heard screaming in the background of his own narration.
!![[AC:Episode Fifteen: Burning in the Bayou]]
* The Steelers and their fanbase don't have much time to enjoy their win against New England. With the Ravens and Titans winning and the Colts coming back against "the Derp", the Steelers will only remain in control of their own destiny with a win in the Superdome. [=SeatGeek=], the sometime sponsors of Tree's videos, even send him to the game in person. The footage recorded live on his phone is captioned "[[AC:Yinzervision 5.7]]". True to form, the game features ridiculous calls by the referees, which does not go uncommented on by either Live Tree or Recording Tree...
-->''[with the Saints on a fourth down, Drew Brees tries a deep pass to Alvin Kamara in the end zone, but the pass is incomplete...]''\\
'''UT''': As Boswell proceeds to make another field goal, the battle continues with ''[... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as the Steelers' Joe Haden is slapped with a pass interference penalty]'' some of the most ''heinous fucking refball'' I've ever seen. How in God's name is ''that'' pass interference!?\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:It has to be the angle from which the ref was looking. Coverage must've looked more aggressive from there.]]\\
'''UT''': And on a 4th and 1!? You trying to make the yinzers justified in their bitching?!\\
'''UT''': ''[live in the Superdome]'' ... I think we can call that refball.\\
'''UT''': ''[narrating]'' My point exactly.
* With the Steelers holding a slender 28-24 lead with four minutes left in the fourth quarter and on a fourth down, they try a fake punt, only for the gamble to backfire - not that they seem to notice...
-->'''UT''': Every yinzer and fleur-de-lis donner is clenching their anuses at what could be their team's fate. As New Orleans finally slows down the offensive train, they punt the ball back.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Running with Rosie Nix. Okay.]]\\
''[the punt formation is a fakeout, and Nix tries to run the ball, but is tackled one yard short of a first down; however, the Steelers start celebrating anyway]''\\
'''UT''': Or they trust the fullback to get five yards... and decided to imitate the Titans.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fucking LOL they're celebrating failure.]]
* The Saints drive down the field, but the Steelers defence puts up a fight... only to become their own worst enemies yet again.
-->'''UT''': Now the Saints have the pigskin in prime territory. The defence does its job to force a fourth down. ''Do it'', Steelers. Make this yinzer heart kindle with flame.\\
''[Brees attempts a pass to Michael Thomas, but the Steelers defence tackles him...]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Holy shit they did it]]\\
''[... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as Haden incurs another pass interference penalty]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:LOL Nope]]
* The Saints take a 31-28 lead with 1:25 left, but high-end talent appears poised to bail the Steelers out as Roethlisberger completes a pass to Antonio Brown for a 19-yard gain, followed by a 14-yard gain courtesy of a pass to [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster. But when Roethlisberger passes to Smith-Schuster again, he fumbles the ball, and the Saints recover it and kneel out the clock to seal the win. Live Tree's dejected reaction is captioned [[AC:Yinzer Mode: Deactivated]].
!![[AC:Episode Sixteen: Judgment Day]]
* With the Ravens beating the Browns to claim the AFC North and the Colts beating the Titans to claim the final Wild Card spot, the Steelers have failed to make the postseason for the first time since 2013. Tree spends most of the video giving the entire Steelers organisation a(nother) merciless TheReasonYouSuckSpeech, with particular vitriol directed toward the featured players in "Days of Our Steelers", including Ben Roethlisberger, Le'Veon Bell, Antonio Brown, and Mike Tomlin. [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster has been spared from his wrath.
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of [=JuJu=] holding his French Bulldog]'' I swear to the holiest of deities, if you fuckers corrupt [=JuJu=] and turn him into an abonimable monster, I will hunt every one of you down and kill you in your sleep!
* And as the video draws to a close, Tree brings the curtain down on another season of wasted opportunity. But someone is waiting in the wings to raise the curtain again...
-->'''UT''': There's only one quote that summarises this team.\\
''[clip of Creator/RobertDeNiro as Lorenzo in ''Film/ABronxTale'' talking to his son, Calogero]''\\
'''Lorenzo''': Remember, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent. You could have all the talent in the world, but if you don't do the right thing, then nothing happens. But when you do right, guess what: good things happen.\\
'''UT''': At the end of the day, that's all this team is. A waste. And it will continue in perpetuity at this rate. ''Nothing'' has shown me that they want to change! With the actions shown, I see nothing but arrogance and the inability to even take a ''shred'' of criticism.\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a screenshot showing that the Steelers blocked Tree on Twitter]'' [[AC:I never directly tweeted at the Steelers]]\\
'''UT''': What they ''can't'' block is that they have no-one to blame but themselves for the predicament they're in. They're becoming more and more of a joke as time passes. And it's going to continue because of stubbornness. ''[the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears]'' See you next year.\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Film/{{Inception}}'' "BWONG"]'' [[AC:Antonio Brown requests trade from Steelers as relationship with team is strained, per report]]\\
'''UT''': [-What the hell do you mean "we're not done"!?-]\\
'''Headline''': ''["BWONG"]'' [[AC:Antonio Brown, James Harrison tease exclusive interview mid-Mike Tomlin press conference]]\\
'''UT''': [-'''WHAT THE FUCK-'''-]\\
''[Test Pattern]''
!![[AC:Episode Seventeen: The Flight of Icarus Brown]]
* As hinted at the end of the previous episode, they're not done; the drama engulfing the Steelers over Antonio Brown's future (or potential lack thereof) with the organisation means new episodes of ''Days of Our Steelers'' are still being produced. Tree opens by venting about having unwanted new material for the series:
-->'''UT''': Can someone please explain to me why I'm doing one of these episodes when a game hasn't been played in over a ''month?'' The players get to rest, why can't the drama!? God damn it, I'm gonna look like such a viewwhore...\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Implying he's not a viewwhore. That's cute.]]
!![[AC:Episonde Eighteen: Mr. Big Chest's Self-Destructive Opus]]
* The drama associated with Antonio Brown leading up to the trade is such that it can only be opened with:
-->'''UT''': Tonight, on ''[[INeedAFreakingDrink Where's My Liquor?]]''...
* In regards to what AB insisted his nickname be:
-->'''UT''': It's time to introduce his new identity to the world: "Mr. Big Chest". ''[VideoGame/AgeOfEmpiresII taunt "Dadgum!"]'' What the hell kind of nickname is that? I can't tell if that's an uninspired kid's show villain or a wrestler opening a house show in Wyoming. Let's wash this out with Le'Veon's new rap album! ''[an excerpt of one of Le'Veon Bell's songs plays]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:He should have called it '$14.5 Million']] ''[Le'Veon's tweet promoting the album's premiere appears]''\\
'''UT''': I regret that decision, much like most of us watching the Cancer bash the Steelers organization this off-season for the sixty-fourth time on a platform with [=LeBron=] James, who knows a thing or two about ripping a city's heart out with a move!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:In before [=LeGM=] trades everyone on the Lakers to get Antonio]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Other Sports]]
!![[AC:NHL Trade Deadline]]
* Tree ends up needing 60 seconds and some ''Film/{{Inception}}'' references to explain what should have been a simple trade:
-->'''Super''': [[AC:The Derick Brassard trade in 60 seconds]]\\
'''UT''': The first act of this trade is simple enough - the Penguins are looking to bolster their depth down the middle and the Senators are planning a major fire sale. The Pens like Derick Brassard. A trade is made, sending a first round pick, prospect Filip Gustavsson and Ian Cole the other way. ''[a Tweet detailing these facts appears on the screen]'' Should be sealed and delivered, right? If it only were that simple. Pittsburgh doesn't have the cap space to take him and Eugene Melnyk is a total cheapass that doesn't want to retain salary. They get everyone's favorite expansion team involved. ''[cue another Tweet detailing this turn]'' Turns out that the NHL doesn't like it one bit and rejects the deal. ''[the Tweet detailing this notes that the teams in question have the option of restructuring the trade to the league's liking]'' Back to the drawing board. What if you were to put a trade, inside of a trade? Prepare yourselves for Tradeception!\\
'''Super''': [[AC:Tradeception!]]\\
'''SFX''': ''Inception'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1khghXRGb6k bwong]]\\
'''UT''': The Knights need assets to make up for the forty percent salary retention. George [=McPhee=] has one request:\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vegas Golden Knights acquire Ryan Reaves and a 2018 fourth round draft pick]]\\
'''UT''': Ryan Reaves, the great enforcer of his time.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:George [=McPhee=] helped Pittsburgh land Derick Brassard so he didn't end up on a Western Conference team]]\\
'''Excerpt''': [[AC:When the dust settled, six players and four draft picks were on the move]]\\
'''UT''': Throw a few more draft picks around, a couple of minor leaguers, and thus you have -\\
''[As footage of the "Mind Blown" portion of the ''Series/TimAndEricAwesomeShowGreatJob'' "Universe" sketch plays in the background]''\\
'''UT''': ''TRADECEPTION''!\\
'''Super''': [[AC:Tradeception!]]\\
'''SFX''': ''Inception'' bwong\\
''[cue another, longer excerpt from an article detailing the exact pieces moved by Tradeception, along with a Tweet calculating that four transactions were required to get Brassard to Pittsburgh and 40% of his salary to Vegas]''\\
'''UT''': Thank you Melnyk. Thank you for your incredible avariciousness. If it wasn't for that, this would've just been a random trade. Just like how you traded [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dion_Phaneuf Phaneuf]] so you could save four million dollars. ''[cue a shower of CGI money and the sound of a slot machine hitting jackpot]'' My liquor cabinet is also open to business for you, Ottawa.
* After recapping the trade of Patrick Maroon to the Devils, Tree complains about how boring the deadline has been. But then...
-->''[cue an explosion over footage of a New York Rangers game, with the Lightning logo flying out of the flames]''\\
'''UT''': My Tampa Bay Boner has increased exponentially. Ryan [=McDonagh=] and J.T. motherfucking Miller are headed to the Lightning! That's what you can call an all-in push. It cost you a good bit of prospects, picks and a decent winger in [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vladislav_Namestnikov Namestnikov]], but [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Yzerman Yzerman]] is a goddamn madman. They didn't get rid of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikhail_Sergachev Sergachev]], [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brayden_Point Point]] or [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callan_Foote Cal Foote]] in this deal. If I had a wife, I would let Stevie father my children. This could have been yours, Detroit - if only Ken Holland had stepped aside when asked.
* Frustrated with the awkward moves being made in the nick of time, Tree caps off his report with the following:
-->'''UT''': Well, this deadline was one big boom with a whole bunch of lame...''no, I didn't just do this for the [[ProductPlacement SeatGeek shoutout]], '''you shut your whore mouth!'''''
!![[AC:MLB Postseason Push Edition]]
* The NL East has been a scattershot division, with three teams - the Atlanta Braves, Philadelphia Phillies and Washington Nationals, all in respective playoff contention. But all three of them are in disarray...
-->'''UT''': It's time for everyone's favorite game: who wants to win the NL East?! In front of us there are three perspective teams trying their hardest to lose games and choke away a guaranteed ass-whooping in the NLDS! Our first contestant is the Tomahawk Chop.\\
''[footage of a building collapsing]''\\
'''UT''': Turns out that slapping some band-aids on the sketchy bullpen was a bad idea. ''[Headline: Braves transfer Arodys Vizcaino to 60-day DL]'' And there's that whole injury to your closer thing! As a result the Braves have ''[Headline: Red Sox Series Proves Whether or Not the Braves are Postseason Ready]'' taken on the Atlanta stereotype of blowing leads and ''[Headline: Now would be good time for Braves to mitigate Western struggles]'' pissing away golden opportunities to secure the division. The newly acquired Adam Duvall ''[Headline: Adam Duvall settling in with Braves, slump notwithstanding]'' has been hot garbage and the rest of the team seems to have followed suit! The only thing that is carrying this team is the legendary Ronald Acuna ''[Headline: Ronald Acuna sets Atlanta's mark for leadoff home runs in a season]'' and his relentless barrage of leadoff homers. This is getting too interesting for baseball. Bean him! ''[Acuna is beaned with a wild pitch. Headline: Jose Urena Suspended 6 Games for Intentionally Beaning Ronald Acuna Jr.]'' A garbage pitcher for a garbage organization... So fitting. ''[Headline: Atlanta Braves Surging Towards First National League East Title Since 2013]'' Wait. You're telling me they're winning again? Yes, the Atlanta stereotype can be bucked! ''[footage shifts to Phillies clips]'' Let's see how Philadelphia is doing.\\
''[footage of a building being demolished]''\\
'''UT''': Oh boy, another thing for Philadelphia to rightfully bitch about! ''[Headline: Another Phillies loss gives them worst record in NL since Aug. 18]'' It appears that your garbage bullpen is, surprise, garbage. How's that adding rentals to the hitting core working out for that terrible batch of arms you have? Losing ten series throughout August and early September. The bats? ''[Headline: Phillies' reliance on pitching beginning to haunt them]'' Freezing cold as to reacing the point of zero degrees hell bent! Need I say more? ''[Headline: Phillies lose in one of the most embarrassing ways possible]'' Either forcing Philadelphians to cling onto something in fear or breaking the dam! Seranthony Dominguez looks completely overdone and most of the starters have been struggling; and Aaron Nola is about to punch someone in the face with how many excellent outings of ism and wasted. The pain isn't ending soon, either. You're still in the thick of it, technically! ''[footage shifts to Nationals clips]'' And then there are the Nationals. Oh, Nationals, the gods are literally offering you a division title for the taking! They're literally saying, here take it. Please, Washington, have the NL East! All you have to do is touch it! What have the Nationals done with this opportunity?\\
''[footage of another building being demolished]''\\
'''UT''': Emulate the performances in the NLDS! The hitting core has returned to form once again, destroying balls without prejudices, but an old foe undermines them again: the pitching. ''[Headline: Once a strength, Nationals' starting pitching has imploded]'' Yes, turns out selling pieces and dealing with key long-term injuries ''[Headlines: Nationals lose Doolittle to DL with foot injury / Nationals lose potential trade chip Kelvin Herrera to season ending foot injury]'' is a recipe for disaster. The bullpen is ridiculously awful, excluding a Greg Holland suddenly pitching like a god again! The starters?! ''[Headline: What Happened to the Nationals? How Did One Of Baseball's Best Teams Fall So Far?]'' Gio Gonzalez has been one of the worst in baseball, and Stephen Strasburg looks shot. ''[Headline: Nationals Trades a Surprise In Midst of Playoff Chase]'' Time to sell of the depth! ''[Headlines: Cubs acquire Daniel Murphy in trade waiver deal with Nationals / Nationals Trade Matt Adams to Cardinals / Brewers Bring About Gio Gonzalez, Curtis Granderson on busy day / Could the Nats have made a September run? We'll never know, and for good reason]'' Everything not locked down sold off at bargain values. Enjoy wasting another great year of Max Scherzer, you failures!\\
[[AC: This is also how a legacy of failure is born. Just saying.]]
!![[AC:2019 NBA Free Agency Edition]]
* The blockbuster signings and trades of the 2019 offseason (Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving to the Brooklyn Nets; Kawhi Leonard and Paul George to the Los Angeles Clippers; and Russell Westbrook to the Houston Rockets) are depicted using footage of nuclear explosions.
-->'''UT''': ''[After the Westbrook trade]'' The NBA is singlehandedly going to cause climate change.
* Another NBA video, another mocking of the Knicks:
-->''[the "Glowball" bonus stage theme from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3'' plays over a clip of the laughing anchor from ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'']''\\
'''UT''': And now for everyone's favorite barrelful of laughs. Everybody laugh at the Knicks!\\
''[Caption under the above clip: [[AC:Everybody laugh at the Knicks!]]]''\\
'''UT''': ''[While laughing heartily]'' You didn't get KD or Kyrie!! How many L's can a team take in a decade!? Holy fuck! Oh, Durant and Irving are coming to New York all right, ''[Thwomp grunt from ''VideoGame/SuperMario64'']'' '''they're going to the Nets!!''' ''[laughs again]'' But hold up, hold up, it gets even better. Remember what I said in the NBA Finals video?\\
''[Black and white clip from "The Haters Guide to the 2019 NBA Finals", as a caption reads [[AC:May 2019]]]''\\
'''UT''': You'll get Anthony Davis after a massive overpay and max contracts to, let's say, Khris Middleton and Tobias Harris.\\
'''UT''': ''[Returning to the present]'' It's even worse than that, they didn't even get ''them''! What's behind the curtain, everyone?\\
''[fart noise]''\\
'''UT''': ''[through ever increasing laughter]'' Julius Randle! Bobby Portis! Taj Gibson! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not the kicker. They're all power forwards! ''[laughs hysterically]'' How's that Knicks tradition boys? You're second fiddle in your own fucking city. Good job.
* As for the Los Angeles Lakers, Tree doesn't see much optimism for their future either:
-->'''UT''': The LA Lakers, good job, you created space to get a third max contract only to not secure the services of the guy you were pining for for years.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Windhorst: Lakers Feel 'They Got Played' in Kawhi Leonard Free-Agency Pursuit]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:You hate to see it]]\\
'''UT''': Don't worry though, at least the other guys you sign will be OK. ''[ScareChord]'' Danny Green? ''[ScareChord]'' Jared Dudley? ''[ScareChord]'' Avery Bradley and Quinn Cook? ''[ScareChord]'' You brought back Rondo, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kentavious_Caldwell-Pope KCP]] and [=JaVale McGee=]? ''[A longer snippet of horror movie music]'' Boogie Cousins? That dude isn't ''trying'' to hide that he's ring-chasing! ''[ScareChord]'' You sacrificed most of your future core and draft picks for potentially one year of the Unibrow and the return of The Expendables. Well done.
[[/folder]]
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