History Funny / UrinatingTreeThisWeekInSportsball

For the NFL episodes: [[Funny/UrinatingTreeThisWeekInSportsballNFL1 2017-19]] and [[Funny/UrinatingTreeThisWeekInSportsballNFL2 2020-22]]

'''Headline''': ''[accompanied by a SickeningCrunch and an agonized scream]'' '''H[-URRICANES'-] P[-ETR-] M[-RAZEK,-] J[-AMES-] R[-EIMER,-] B[-RETT-] P[-ESCE OUT INDEFINITELY-]'''\\

''['''"C[-OME TO OUR GAMES?-]"''' flashes on the screen]''

'''Headline''': '''M[-APLE-] L[-EAFS BEATEN BY THEIR OWN PRACTICE GOALIE IN HUMILIATING LOSS-]'''\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-HIS ISN'T GOING AWAY.-] S[-ORRY,-] T[-ORONTO.-]'''\\

For the NFL episodes: [[Funny/UrinatingTreeThisWeekInSportsballNFL1 2017-9]] and [[Funny/UrinatingTreeThisWeekInSportsballNFL2 2020-22]]

For the NFL episodes: [[Funny/UrinatingTreeThisWeekInSportsballNFL1 2017-8]] and [[Funny/UrinatingTreeThisWeekInSportsballNFL2 2019-20]]

--->'''Caption''': '''2017'''\\

-->'''UT''': It's time for everyone's favorite game: who wants to win the NL East?! In front of us there are three perspective teams trying their hardest to lose games and choke away a guaranteed ass-whooping in the NLDS! Our first contestant is the Tomahawk Chop.\\

'''UT''': Turns out that slapping some band-aids on the sketchy bullpen was a bad idea. ''[Headline: Braves transfer Arodys Vizcaino to 60-day DL]'' And there's that whole injury to your closer thing! As a result the Braves have ''[Headline: Red Sox Series Proves Whether or Not the Braves are Postseason Ready]'' taken on the Atlanta stereotype of blowing leads and ''[Headline: Now would be good time for Braves to mitigate Western struggles]'' pissing away golden opportunities to secure the division. The newly acquired Adam Duvall ''[Headline: Adam Duvall settling in with Braves, slump notwithstanding]'' has been hot garbage and the rest of the team seems to have followed suit! The only thing that is carrying this team is the legendary Ronald Acuna ''[Headline: Ronald Acuna sets Atlanta's mark for leadoff home runs in a season]'' and his relentless barrage of leadoff homers. This is getting too interesting for baseball. Bean him! ''[Acuna is beaned with a wild pitch. Headline: Jose Urena Suspended 6 Games for Intentionally Beaning Ronald Acuna Jr.]'' A garbage pitcher for a garbage organization... So fitting. ''[Headline: Atlanta Braves Surging Towards First National League East Title Since 2013]'' Wait. You're telling me they're winning again? Yes, the Atlanta stereotype can be bucked! ''[footage shifts to Phillies clips]'' Let's see how Philadelphia is doing.\\

'''UT''': Oh boy, another thing for Philadelphia to rightfully bitch about! ''[Headline: Another Phillies loss gives them worst record in NL since Aug. 18]'' It appears that your garbage bullpen is, surprise, garbage. How's that adding rentals to the hitting core working out for that terrible batch of arms you have? Losing ten series throughout August and early September. The bats? ''[Headline: Phillies' reliance on pitching beginning to haunt them]'' Freezing cold as to reacing the point of zero degrees hell bent! Need I say more? ''[Headline: Phillies lose in one of the most embarrassing ways possible]'' Either forcing Philadelphians to cling onto something in fear or breaking the dam! Seranthony Dominguez looks completely overdone and most of the starters have been struggling; and Aaron Nola is about to punch someone in the face with how many excellent outings of ism and wasted. The pain isn't ending soon, either. You're still in the thick of it, technically! ''[footage shifts to Nationals clips]'' And then there are the Nationals. Oh, Nationals, the gods are literally offering you a division title for the taking! They're literally saying, here take it. Please, Washington, have the NL East! All you have to do is touch it! What have the Nationals done with this opportunity?\\

'''UT''': Emulate the performances in the NLDS! The hitting core has returned to form once again, destroying balls without prejudices, but an old foe undermines them again: the pitching. ''[Headline: Once a strength, Nationals' starting pitching has imploded]'' Yes, turns out selling pieces and dealing with key long-term injuries ''[Headlines: Nationals lose Doolittle to DL with foot injury / Nationals lose potential trade chip Kelvin Herrera to season ending foot injury]'' is a recipe for disaster. The bullpen is ridiculously awful, excluding a Greg Holland suddenly pitching like a god again! The starters?! ''[Headline: What Happened to the Nationals? How Did One Of Baseball's Best Teams Fall So Far?]'' Gio Gonzalez has been one of the worst in baseball, and Stephen Strasburg looks shot. ''[Headline: Nationals Trades a Surprise In Midst of Playoff Chase]'' Time to sell of the depth! ''[Headlines: Cubs acquire Daniel Murphy in trade waiver deal with Nationals / Nationals Trade Matt Adams to Cardinals / Brewers Bring About Gio Gonzalez, Curtis Granderson on busy day / Could the Nats have made a September run? We'll never know, and for good reason]'' Everything not locked down sold off at bargain values. Enjoy wasting another great year of Max Scherzer, you failures!\\

'''Caption''': '''G[-REAT SCANDAL HAS ERUPTED THROUGHOUT THE BASEBALL LANDSCAPE.-] T[-HE-] H[-OUSTON-] A[-STROS HAVE BEEN REVEALED TO BE CHEATERS WHO DESTROY THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME.-] O[-VER THE PAST FEW MONTHS, IT HAS BEEN REVEALED BY MEANS OF THE PRESS AND INTERNET THAT THE-] A[-STROS HAD AN ORNATE ANAD INTRICATE PLOT TO STEAL SIGNS BY MEANS OF TECHNOLOGY.-] S[-IGNALS WOULD BE RELAYED TO THE BATTERS MY MEANS OF TRASH CAN OR BUZZER, THUS GIVING THEM AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.-] N[-OT ONLY IN THE REGULAR SEASON, BUT IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED TO BE IN USE DURING THE 2017 POSTSEASON.-] B[-ANGING OF TRASH CANS ARE BLATANTLY HEARD DURING GAME BROADCASTS.-] T[-HE-] MLB [-GIVES THEM A SOFT TAP WITH THE DISCIPLINE HAMMER TO SHOW STRENGTH.-] J[-EFF-] L[-UHNOW AND-] A.J. H[-INCH SUSPENDED FOR A YEAR.-] T[-HE-] A[-STROS ARE FINED $5 MILLION.-] T[-HEY ALSO LOSE THEIR 1ST AND 2ND ROUND DRAFT PICKS IN 2020 AND 2021.-] U[-NSATISFIED,-] L[-UHNOW AND-] H[-INCH ARE IMMEDIATELY FIRED BY A PISSED OFF OWNER IN-] J[-IM-] C[-RANE.-] H[-E VOWS TRANSPARENCY IN THE-] MLB[-'S INVESTIGATION AND TO TURN A NEW LEAF.-] I[-T SHOWS IN THEIR NEXT MANAGER:-]'''\\

'''Caption''': '''T[-HIS ISN'T GOING AWAY.-] S[-ORRY,-] T[-ORONTO-.]'''\\

'''Caption''': '''T[-HIS ISN'T GOING AWAY.-] S[-ORRY,-] T[-ORONTO-].'''\\

-->''[the "Glowball" bonus stage theme from ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3'' plays over a clip of the laughing anchor from ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'']''\\
'''UT''': And now for everyone's favorite barrelful of laughs. Everybody laugh at the Knicks!\\

'''UT''': You'll get Anthony Davis after a massive overpay and max contracts to, let's say, Khris Middleton and Tobias Harris.\\
'''UT''': ''[Returning to the present]'' It's even worse than that, they didn't even get ''them''! What's behind the curtain, everyone?\\

'''UT''': ''[through ever increasing laughter]'' Julius Randle! Bobby Portis! Taj Gibson! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not the kicker. They're all power forwards! ''[laughs hysterically]'' How's that Knicks tradition boys? You're second fiddle in your own fucking city. Good job.

-->'''Hurricanes Man''': Our goaltending is in critical condition!\\

-->'''UT''': Toronto. Oh god. What the hell is going on? Weren't you supposed to be a lot better than this before the season? If that's the case, then why the hell are you losing games to a 42-year old Zamboni driver?\\

'''UT''': Don't worry though, at least the other guys you sign will be OK. ''[ScareChord]'' Danny Green? ''[ScareChord]'' Jared Dudley? ''[ScareChord]'' Avery Bradley and Quinn Cook? ''[ScareChord]'' You brought back Rondo, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kentavious_Caldwell-Pope KCP]] and [=JaVale McGee=]? ''[A longer snippet of horror movie music]'' Boogie Cousins? That dude isn't ''trying'' to hide that he's ring-chasing! ''[ScareChord]'' You sacrificed most of your future core and draft picks for potentially one year of the Unibrow and the return of The Expendables. Well done.

'''T[-HIS HIS ALSO HOW A LEGACY OF FAILURE IS BORN.-] J[-UST SAYING.-]'''[[note]]Give it a year Tree...[[/note]]

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:In General]]

* The 2019 NFL episodes saw the debut of a new EpicFail montage from the 2018-19 NFL season, including Bears kicker Cody Parkey's "double doink" missed field goal against the Eagles in the Wild Card round, the brawl between the Bills and the Jaguars in Week 12 (accompanied by a sound clip of Raiders coach Jon Gruden saying "I'll say this, we're not tanking anything!"), Steelers kicker Chris Boswell slipping on the turf and missing what could have been a game-tying field goal against the Raiders in Week 14, and the "Miracle in Miami" of the Dolphins' Kenyan Drake scoring an improbable game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Week 14.
** This intro is later amended in Week 4, replacing Parkey's "double doink" with Matt Gay's missed field goal at the end of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' game against the New York Giants (captioned '''Y[-OU HAPPY,-] C[-HICAGO?-]''') and adding the '''N[-O SYMPATHY FOR YOU,-] P[-ATRIOTS-]''' caption to the Miami Miracle.
** It is amended again for Week 5. The Matt Gay miss is accompanied by a sound clip from Washington Redskins' team president Bruce Allen stating "The culture is damn good," followed by a new clip of a Detroit Lions player ripping the helmet off the Philadelphia Eagles' Miles Sanders (accompanied by the viral clip of a Philadelphia resident saying "we was catching them, [[TakeThat unlike [Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Nelson] Agholor]]."
** Week 7 replaces Chris Boswell's blocked field goal with the Miami Dolphins' failed two-point conversion attempt at the end of the last week's game against the Washington Redskins, and adds a soundclip of the New York Jets' Sam Darnold's "seeing ghosts" comment.
** Week 9's intro introduces clips of Adam Vinatieri's shanked field goal against the Pittsburgh Steelers replacing the Matt Gay miss; and the black cat running into the end zone at the New York Giants-Dallas Cowboys game replacing the Miami Miracle.
** Week 11 replaces the Miles Sanders helmet rip with footage of the Myles Garrett-Mason Rudolph brawl.
** Week 12 splices footage of the Carolina Panthers' Joey Slye missing a potential game-winning field goal against the New Orleans Saints in place of Vinatieri's miss; and adds footage of Cleveland Browns fans throwing a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet at a pinata version of Mason Rudolph in place of the Dolphins' failed conversion attempt.
** In Week 13, the Rudolph-Garrett brawl is replaced with footage of the Miami Dolphins' game winning touchdown against the Philadelphia Eagles.
** Week 14 brings in the San Francisco 49ers' George Kittle dragging two Saints defenders along in place of the Joey Slye miss.
** Week 15 adds a soundbite of the coin toss confusion at the beginning of the Dallas Cowboys-Los Angeles Rams game.
** Week 16 brings in footage of the Kansas City Chiefs Harrison Butker double-doinking against the Chicago Bears.
* Quarterbacks who have turned into godsends for their teams are treated as if their performances on the field are sacred scriptures ("All rise for testimony from the book of [e.g. Carson Wentz, Jimmy Garoppolo]"), while [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaOcarinaOfTime the "Temple of Time" theme]] plays over the segment.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:2017 NFL Season]]
!![[AC:NFL Week Three]]
* When he gets to the Eagles facing the Giants, he sees how badly the latter are doing as they get shut out until the fourth quarter and take the lead. Buuuuut...
--> '''UT''': And the Giants are getting their shit kicked in by a divison rival with the same problem that plagued them in past weeks. Just get this game over with so you can call for [=McAdoo's=] head again! ''[cut to fourth quarter as the Giants score a touchdown...]'' ...So you're telling me that the Giants can actually score points on offense now? ''[...and then to them being down 14-7 before scoring another...]'' [[HopeSpot They've come back in the fourth quarter to take the lead?]] Sure, they blew that lead ''[...and then to the score tied at 24 with Jake Elliot about to attempt a 61-yard field goal with 1 second left in regulation.]'', but it's gonna take a ''miracle'' for this game not to go to OT!\\
''[The field goal attempt is successful, making the final score 27-24 Eagles.]''\\
'''UT''': Holy fucking shit, what a finish. ''[Headline: Sterling Shepard calls out Giants-Eagles catch double standard]'' Maybe now we can actually figure out what the fuck a catch is in this godforsaken league! Sorry Giants, you got screwed.

!![[AC:NFL Week Four]]
* After the Falcons choke a game away to the Buffalo Bills:
--> '''UT''': Look mommy, I'm a Falcon! ''[choking noises]''

!![[AC:NFL Week Five]]
* With two teams that have gone winless so far in the Chargers and the Giants, Tree wonders who will botch things up worse in this one.
--> '''UT''': So who the hell thought this match would be against winless teams at the start of the year? Whose magic will allow them to fuck up more? The unmitigated disaster of the home game-less Chargers, or a Giants team that doesn't have enough liquor in the world to ail their woes? Let's see who fate decides to take a shit on today. ''[headlines of Odell Beckham Jr., Brandon Marshall, Dwayne Marshall and Sterling Shepard being injured, the former three out for the season]'' Holy fuck, football gods! I know OBJ pissed you off, but to take out the Giants' ENTIRE receiving core?! Isn't losing to the Chargers ''enough'' suffering?! It's been in typical Giants style as of late to rip their fans' hearts out in ridiculous fashion; and this game just upped the goddamn ante ten-fold. FUCK YOU, Spanos.

!![[AC:NFL Week Six]]
* Seeing as the Chargers have lost their first two games both thanks to unsuccessful field goal attempts at the very end of the game, he anticipates the same happening here as they are down by two. And yet, they make the field goal for the win.
--> '''UT''': [ethereal music plays] Oh my god, they actually made a field goal at the end of a game. Everything I have known has been a lie. The Chargers didn't kick their six fans in the dick again. Fuck you, Spanos.
** And adding further to it is how calmly and nonchalantly he says those three words.

!![[AC:NFL Week Eleven]]
* The Redskins are holding well against the Saints, mounting a 15-point lead 90% of the way through the game. Surely things look promising, right?
-->'''UT''': Well done, Redskins. You are on the brink of upsetting one of the NFC's top teams in the Saints and asserting yourselves as playoff contenders again. Samaje Perine has filled in nicely as running back and the defense has put that potent New Orleans offense in check. Time to watch the world burn again!\\
''[cue the clip from Film/GroundhogDay of Phil Connors' alarm clock going off at 6 am to the sound of Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe"]''\\
'''UT''': ...As Washington sports reinforces its choking stereotype. Tonight's serving, a blown 15-point lead with less than three minutes to go. Seriously, does ''anyone'' on the Redskins know how to make a fucking tackle. The Saints marched all over the Redskins as they blew yet another lead too early! The Saints add to their strong winning streak and show the world their might. At this rate, it only feels like Schadenfreude because of how this organization is run. ''[Headline: Update: Redskins confirm Chris Thompson out for season]'' And have yourselves another Theismann-like injury to a running-back-esque conglaturation. ''[cut to Will Lutz kicking the game-winning field goal]'' Fuck Dan Snyder and the money-making horse he sewed everyone on! ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''
* The Bills have been humiliated two weeks running,[[note]]Torched 34-21 by the Jets in New York in Week 9, eviscerated 47-10 at home by the Saints in Week 10.[[/note]] but have a "home away from home" game against the Chargers in Los Angeles to right the ship. A change to the team roster backfires spectacularly:
-->'''UT''': So Buffalo is on an alarming stretch where they were massacred in their last two games. The problem for the Bills is simple: Tyrod Taylor. It's time for the perennial fucking over of Tyrod as he's benched for fifth round pick Nathan Peterman. ''[Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman, bench Tyrod Taylor"]'' It may be kneejerk, you say, ''[Caption: It had nothing to do with Pegula's meddling, we swear]'' but they're playing the Chargers. Easy test for Nathan, he only threw three incompletions!... Five of those completions went to the opposition. ''In the first half.'' Sean [=McDermott=] and his ''brilliant'' tactics made the league's black sheep look like the '85 Bears. Also doesn't help that the receivers can't fucking catch. That blameless defence was also shredded by LA as well, being completely blown the fuck out yet again and making it quite obvious that their biggest problem was indeed Tyrod Taylor. For those of you keeping track at home, they have now given up 135 points in three games, truly going full Pegula. The decision to bench Tyrod was such a brilliant move that '''they put him back in the game in the second half!''' ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Headline''': '''B[-ILLS BENCH-] P[-ETERMAN FOR-] T[-YROD-] T[-AYLOR AFTER 5-INT HALF-]'''\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''UT''': FUCK YOU, Spanos.

!![[AC:NFL Week Twelve]]
* The DoubleSubversion of "Fuck You, Spanos!". After the Chargers/Cowboys game, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is given the "fuck you", and the rest of the video plays out as normal... until the Lolcow of The Week, a clip of Chargers punter Drew Kaser [[EpicFail missing the kicking net from three feet away]], at which point:
--> I'm putting this here for three simple words: FUCK YOU SPANOS!

!![[AC:NFL Week Thirteen]]
* The Chiefs go Full Reid against, of all teams, the Buttfumble:
-->'''UT''': Panic mode has set in for the Chiefs. They are desperately throwing everything they've got to right this ship. Andy Reid has finally given up play-calling duties in favor of a timeshare ([[https://twitter.com/RapSheet/status/937331158836219904 sharing duties with Chiefs OC Matt Nagy]]) and Kansas City has summoned a old relic in Darelle Revis to bolster the D. The first item has worked. The Chiefs' offense has returned to form against the Jets. Alex Smith is balling again and Tyreek Hill is humming along as usual. Unfortunately, the defense decided to self immolate like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thích_Quảng_Đức Quang Duc]]. This is a team that has absolutely lost all direction and fell apart to a sneakily good offense in the Jets. They strangled them in the time of possession game and the Chiefs could do nothing. The final drive simply a total collapse for the ages. But there's at least still a chance.\\
''[Alex Smith throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 6 from the New York Jets' 19, with 46 seconds to go. Sirens sound as the pass slides over the Jets' defenders.]''\\
'''UT''': Oh my god, Jesus, they lost to the Jets.\\
''[A clip from ''Film/TheNakedGun'' of Lt. Frank Drebin in front of the exploding fireworks factory, with the Chiefs' logo over Drebin's head]''\\
'''Chiefs!Drebin''': Nothing to see here, please disperse! Nothing to see here!\\
'''Billy Madison''': You blew it!
* A possible turning point in the Derp Era for the NFC half of [=MetLife=] Stadium?
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Giants slumping to 2-10 thanks to a 24-17 loss in Oakland]'' It has happened. [=McAdoo=] has won a power struggle and finally threw Eli off of a cliff for shit that isn't his fault. Manning has officially been benched by the Giants for...\\
'''Headline''': '''G[-IANTS TO BENCH-] E[-LI-] M[-ANNING, START-] G[-ENO-] S[-MITH AGAINST THE-] R[-AIDERS-]'''\\
'''UT''': ... Geno Smith. Fucking ''really'', man? You want to give your team the best chance to win and you're starting ''Geno?!'' For fuck's sake, the ''Jets'' could have told you how terrible he is! You can't say with a straight face that he is a better option. Were you not paying attention to them when they were in [=MetLife=]? I get if you want to start Davis Webb a few weeks down the road. See what you've got in him. But what the hell is there to see in this, it's ''Geno Smith'', he fucking ''sucks!'' Dude couldn't make a good decision if you bribed him with candy on the sidelines! The Raiders thank you for your ineptitude, as their victory allows them back into the AFC West picture. Fortunately, the Giants had enough of this shit as Ben [=McAdouche=] and Jerry Reese were derped off of the George Washington Bridge for gross incompetence.\\
'''Headline''': ''[over children cheering]'' '''G[-IANTS FIRE COACH-] B[-EN-] M[-C-]A[-DOO AND GENERAL MANAGER-] J[-ERRY-] R[-EESE-]'''\\
'''UT''': Personally, it took too goddamn long to do. The team is now in shatters and looking right in the face of a steep rebuild. Complete disaster of a tenure.\\
'''Caption''': '''K[-INDA WANTED TO SEE THE-] G-M[-EN FALL APART MORE, THOUGH-]'''

!![[AC:NFL Week Fourteen]]
* On the Eagles clenching the NFC East:
-->'''UT''': [The Eagles] claim the NFC East crown and have locked in a date for postseason football again. However this was PyrrhicVictory, as it comes at a staggering cost... ''[SickeningCrunch accompanying a headling of QB Carson Wentz tearing his ACL and being out for the year]'' of Carson Wentz. ''["Taps" plays; cut-in of Nancy Kerrigan being treated by paramedics and wailing out "WHY ME?!" in the wake of being assaulted by Tonya Harding with a tire iron]'' It's official; there is no god. ''[(A "'''P[-HILADELPHIA RIGHT NOW-]'''" caption appears next to the cut-in]'' His Messiah has fallen. We are all fucked.
* In response to the Chargers being decent, Tree decides to take a new approach on the OnceAnEpisode gag:
-->'''UT''': '''[[GratuitousSpanish PUTA MADRE, SPANOS!]]'''

!![[AC:NFL Week Fifteen]]
* When it looks like the Steelers are going to beat the Patriots, UT marks the fuck out. His ecstasy is short-lived...
-->''[Tom Brady completes the first of three consecutive passes to Rob Gronkowski for a total gain of 69 yards, followed by Dion Lewis running the last 8 yards for a touchdown to put the Patriots ahead 27-24 with 56 seconds to go in the fourth quarter]''\\
'''UT''': ''[sighing]'' Oh, great, the Steelers can't cover Gronk at all and are going to lose to ''New England'' again. God ''damn'' it, I was getting interested to see if they could pull it off. I can't bear to watch this happen, just roll over and ''die'' already. ''[the Steelers' [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster runs 69 yards to New England's 10-yard line with 34 seconds left]'' Wait a minute... they're going to do it! ''[getting more and more excited]'' They're going to beat New England! I honestly hadn't prepared for this at all. All of the cynicism was for ''nothing''. They're actually going to fucking do it! ''[as Ben Roethlisberger throws a 10-yard touchdown pass to Jesse James]'' Holy shit! It's going to happen! THEY'RE GOING! IT'S GOING- ''[James grabs the ball out of the air and puts it down in the end zone]''[[note]]Notice the lack of the word "catch" in that description; this will be important later.[[/note]] OH MY GOD! THEY SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! THEY DID IT! THEY'RE GOING TO ANOTHER FUCKING SUPER BOWL! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, YOU FUCKING PATRIOTS!... ''[lapses into incoherent raving]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off]'' '''Y[-INZER MODE ACTIVATED-]'''\\
'''[[VisualNovel/PhoenixWrightAceAttorney Phoenix Wright]]''': HOLD IT!\\
'''Referee''': After reviewing the play, the receiver in the end zone did not survive the ground. It's an incomplete pass.\\
'''SFX''': Oh NO!\\
'''UT''': What!? '''''WHAT?!''''' WHAT IS THIS FUCKING DEBAUCHERY!? ALL OF THIS TIME AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A FUCKING CATCH IS ANYMORE IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN LEAGUE?!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over slow-motion footage of the incomplete pass]'' '''T[-ECHNICALLY IT'S THE CORRECT CALL, BUT IT'S A TERRIBLE RULE.-] G[-ET RID OF IT.-]'''\\
''[test pattern, then back to the game]''\\
'''UT''': Okay, fine. That was bullshit, but there's still a chance to- ''[Roethlisberger passes to Darrius Heyward-Bey for a 3-yard gain]'' why aren't you going for the field goal?\\
'''Caption''': '''S[-ERIOUSLY, WHY DIDN'T THEY GO FOR THE FIELD GOAL?-]'''\\
'''UT''': Why is this play completely broke- ''[with 9 seconds left on the clock, Roethlisberger tries to pass to Eli Rogers in the end zone, but the ball is intercepted by the Patriots' Duron Harmon, punctuated by [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's]] "NOPE!"]'' OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? THIS IS SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT!... ''[dissolves into {{Angrish}}]''\\
'''Caption''': '''A[-NOTHER GREAT GAME RUINED BY-] NFL [-REGULATIONS-]'''\\
'''H[-OPE YOU'RE PROUD OF A CATCH CHANGING FROM WEEK TO WEEK-]'''\\
''[under an NFL logo]'' '''C[-ONGLATURATION!-]'''
* The Tennessee Titans have the misfortune to be the losers in the next game in the video, so Tree lets them have it with a savage TheReasonYouSuckSpeech:
-->'''UT''': I am still ''really'' goddamn pissed at the events that have previously occurred. Titans, you get the privilege of my unadulterated ''rage''. Your team is absolutely pathetic. The fact that you are still in playoff contention makes me physically ''ill''. Your offence is anaemic, your defence is substandard, your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Mularkey head coach]] is about ten IQ points away from being ''football'' retarded, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Mariota Mariota]] can't throw the fucking football anymore, your running game is going nowhere, your team fucking sucks a bag of ''chunks'', and you're going to get completely annihilated if you actually ''make'' it to the postseason. Go fuck yourselves, you worthless sacks of shit, and take the full load of losing to the goddamn 49ers like the useless piss stains that you are. ''[as the clock runs out, 49ers kicker Robbie Gould kicks the game-winning field goal]'' Even in Hell, you're still one yard short.\\
'''Caption''': '''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Garoppolo J]][-[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Garoppolo IMMY]]-] G [-LOOKS PROMISING, THOUGH-]'''
* He reminded us just how...off his picks for the NFC were earlier in the year.
-->'''UT''': Please do not attempt to look up my playoff predictions from earlier in the year. You will die of laughter.[[note]]His picks for the NFC East, North, South, and West, respectively were: the NY Giants, the Packers, the Falcons, and the Seahawks, while the Wild Card spots were the Buccaneers and Cowboys. The Giants went 3-13 and the division was won by eventual UsefulNotes/SuperBowl champions, the Eagles; the Vikings took the north, while Green Bay had a lackluster 7-9 record; the Saints won the South; the LA Rams won the West, while the Seahawks' 9-7 record wasn't enough to qualify them due to tie-breakers. The Carolina Panthers and Atlanta Falcons (both from the South) took the two Wild Card slots. So Tree only got one of his predictions right...and only gets half credit for it since he predicted the Falcons to take the division and not the Wild Card.[[/note]]

!![[AC:NFL Week Sixteen]]
* With their season on the line, the Cowboys host a Christmas Eve showing against the Seahawks, but things don't exactly go as they'd hoped:
-->'''UT''': Dallas, it turns out you have TWO gifts under the tree this year! First you have received overgrown Ewok Zeke Elliot back for a crucial playoff game. The Cowboys are feeding him the ball without prejudice. Which leads us to your second gift: it's a yearly calendar. With a guy choking as the picture for January. January came early for Jerryworld today! Prepare yourselves for one of our LOLCOWS OF THE WEEK! Let's begin with a fumble by Dez Bryant, when Dallas is driving and leads to a Seattle score. Follow this up with a terrible throw by Dak Prescott leading to an easy pick-six for the Seahawks. Throughout the game, Seattle was ''desperately'' trying to give you a win with an inept offense, but you swatted it away like Dikembe with more interceptions like this. ''[Caption: DEZ = ELITE]'' Then, it was the defense's turn. Desperately needing a stop, they allowed an offense stuck in quicksand to gain traction and willingly lied on the ground to get run over by them! Then the choking commenced. Dallas makes it to the red zone, only to be charged with the holding penalty and another sack. It became a gimme shot for the sure-footed Dan Bailey. ...And he misses a 34-yard field goal. ''[Caption: YOU SURE THIS GUY STILL ISN'T INJURED?]'' One desperation challenge by Jason Garrett later, they still have a chance. The Cowboys are charging and need two scores to get back into the game. Dan Bailey returns for revenge... ''[laughing as...]'' AND MISSES ANOTHER FIELD GOAL!!! ''[The Film/BillyMadison "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears four times]'' HOW'S ROGER GOODELL'S ASS TASTE, JERRY?! EAT THAT, PLAYOFF ELIMINATION ON THE SCOREBOARD, YOU FUCK! ''[the "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears three times in unison]''

!![[AC:NFL Week Seventeen]]
* Tree's pessimism on the Eagles' chances in the playoffs, while justified due to Nick Foles' poor performance in his quarter against the Cowboys and the Eagles being shut out by said team, is [[HilariousInHindsight even funnier]] after the Eagles won that season's Super Bowl.
* It's time to celebrate for the Browns...
-->'''UT''': YOU DID IT, CLEVELAND! 0-16!!!!!!! ''[cue sounds of children cheering while fireworks and raining money play over footage of the end of ''Film/ReturnOfTheJedi'', all set to [[VideoGame/StreetFighterII Guile's theme]]]'' It's your greatest accomplishment since returning to the league. I'm SoProudOfYou guys. ''[headline of the Browns keeping Hue Jackson in spite of the futility]'' Wait, you're ''keeping'' Hue Jackson? [[TemptingFate This can't get any more laughable]]... ''[[[VideoGame/SuperMario64 Thwomp sound]] accompanying headlines of the Browns' owner and their GM giving their votes of confidence, UT lets out riotous, derisive laughter]''
* The Chargers end their season with a win over the Raiders, but even with a 9-7 record, they miss out on the playoffs due to the NFL's tiebreaking procedures.[[note]]The Chargers would have needed a loss by the Chiefs to make the Wild Card.[[/note]] Tree is so happy that he breaks out in song:
-->'''UT''': ''[To the tune of Beethoven's Ode to Joy]''\\
Fuck you Spanos, fuck you Spanos\\
Fuck you Spanos, in the ass\\
"Fight for LA" is disastrous\\
Be forced back to San Diego.
* His rant at the miracle end of the Ravens-Bengals game (a Hail Mary pass from Andy Dalton to Tyler Boyd on a 4th and 12 with less than a minute left gave the Bengals a 31-27 win), which ended the Bills' 17 year long playoff drought.
-->'''UT''': HOLY BUTT-FUCKING CHRIST! YOU FUCKING BLEW IT! You bungled this game so much that Marvin Lewis is cringing in disgust. Somewhere Art Modell's grave is being pissed on ''[Caption: REALLY? HOW DO YOU BLOW A 4TH AND 12 WITH PLAYOFFS ON THE LINE?]'' and Yinzers everywhere are jerking off to your failure. The Ravens were a shoo-in and they made Cincinnati's misery look like a bad day. This is where being in a division with Cleveland kills you. Baltimore has missed the playoffs via tie-breaker. ''[gunshot sound]'' Hey Mr. Harbaugh, perhaps instead of whining about the game time you can [[SkewedPriorities prepare your team to hold a fucking lead!]] Heads need to roll! The staff deserves the Gerard Gallant treatment, throw their asses under the street for this failure! It won't happen though, Baltimore is too "classy". [[PrecisionFStrike Go fuck yourselves!]] Elite QB, my black ass! So if Baltimore is out, that means...oh my god, it happened. ''[Footage of the Bills players celebrating]'' The Bills have made the playoffs. The walking mediocrity will be playing postseason football for the first time in this millennium. We have witnessed history once again. Buffalo will something to look forward to besides shit-loads of snow and broken tables. This is a special day. Bengals, you have done something good in this world for once. Now get yourselves a new coach and overhaul that- ''[RecordNeedleScratch accompanying a headline of Marvin Lewis being given a two-year contract extension]'' You extended Marvin Lewis. ''[cue the dumpster fire GIF and the Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm theme]'' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe You extended Marvin Lewis. I don't even need to mock this in any way, it does it to itself.]] THE BUNGLES EXTENDED MARVIN LEWIS!!! Can Mike Brown fucking die already?! Like, please, did he see the shitshow in Cleveland and get jealous of it? In what world does someone think that Marvin Lewis was doing a good job?! The Bungles got the last Bungle after all. Fuck this team!
[[/folder]]

[[folder:2018 NFL Season]]
!![[AC:NFL Week One (2018 Season)]]
* ''One game'' into the 2018 NFL season and they're already showing reruns...
-->''[Jay Ajayi runs the last yard for a touchdown to give the Eagles a 10-6 lead over the Falcons]''\\
'''UT''': The first game of the season begins with a flurry of ineffective offenses and total boredom - at least until the end of the game. Literally a carbon copy of the NFC Divisional Playoff fracas. Begin the redemption of Steve Sarkisian! ''[with the score 18-12 to Philadelphia, Matt Ryan passes to Mohamed Sanu for a 10-yard gain; the Falcons have a first down on the Eagles' 10-yard line with 23 seconds left. Sound of a beer can being opened and poured into a glass]'' I see. Time for a lesson in the drunken offense.\\
'''Caption''': ''[[[VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1 "Time's running out!" music]]]'' '''S[-TEVE-] S[-ARKISIAN'S DRUNKEN GOALLINE OFFENSE-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[with captions echoing his first two sentences]'' Play one - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play two - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play three - yet another five wideout set, incomplete pass.\\
'''Caption''': '''P[-LAY THREE-] - G[-ETTING REPETITIVE, ISN'T IT?-]'''\\
'''UT''': Play four - lather, rinse, and repeat with a five wideout set.\\
'''Caption''': '''P[-LAY FOUR-] - W[-HEN IN DOUBT, BASH YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[but this time, the Eagles incur a 5-yard penalty, and the Falcons get another first down on the 5-yard line]'' You even got an extra play!\\
'''Caption''': ''[ding!]'' '''P[-LAY FIVE-] - P[-RAY-] J[-ULIO MAKES AN IMPOSSIBLE PLAY-]'''\\
'''UT''': In which they go to a five wideout set and - yes - an incomplete pass. Conglaturation, you inebriated bastard, you've learned ''nothing''. I just feel like this could have been avoided somehow. ''[flashback to the first quarter with the Falcons on a fourth down on the Eagles' 1-yard line; their run attempt results in a 1-yard loss]'' Fourth down on the goal line in the first quarter. Hmm...\\
'''[[VideoGame/FarCry3 Vaas]]''': [[RunningGag Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity...]]
* With the Bills fresh from their first playoff appearance since the 1990s and a newly-drafted [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Allen_(quarterback) quarterback]] in their ranks, fan optimism is running high. Then they go to Baltimore...
-->'''UT''': I'm trying a new device on the site called the Buffalo Optimism Meter. ''[a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter" appears in the top left]'' May need to work out the kinks, like the Bills do, but it's safe for launch. So far fan optimism is at 100% ''["100%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' after returning to the playoffs and drafting the QB of the future. The Bills choose as their Week 1 starter... Nathan Peterman. ''[Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman at quarterback against Ravens ahead of rookie Josh Allen"]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' '''60%'''\\
'''UT''': Don't worry, it's not going to be a shitshow like his start last year was...[[note]]See "This Week in Sportsball: NFL Week Eleven" from 2017 for details.[[/note]] it's even worse.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' '''20%'''\\
'''UT''': The entire fucking offence grinds to a halt as Petermeme and his mediocre compatriots are foiled at every turn. 33 yards of total offence in the first half. ''[Headline: "Nathan Peterman had a quarterback rating of 0.0"]'' You know it's awful when your QB rating is absolute ''zero''.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' '''-20%'''\\
'''UT''': As for the D... skinned alive like a fish in the Chesapeake. Torched and charred by Jumbo Joe Flacco and the Checkdown Circus... ''47 points''[='=] worth of it.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[fart noise]'' '''-90%'''\\
'''UT''': It goes so horribly that Petermeme is benched for first-round pick Josh Allen. ''[Headline: "Bills Bench Starting QB Nathan Peterman in Favor of Josh Allen Against Ravens"]'' It is a tremendous upgrade from "cataclysmically horrific" to "simply trash".\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter''': ''[ding!]'' '''-80%'''\\
'''UT''': This is when Bills fans realise their best QB... is still Andy Dalton.[[note]]See "NFL Week Seventeen" from 2017 for an explanation of why Dalton is the Bills' best quarterback despite playing for the Bengals.[[/note]]\\
'''Buffa[[TakeThat lol]] Optimism Meter''': ''[scream of horror]'' '''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_City_Miracle MUSIC CITY MIRACLE]]''' ''[[[VideoGame/MortalKombat3 Shao Kahn laughs]]]''\\
'''UT''': Perhaps trading A.J. [=McCarron=] to the Raiders ''wasn't'' such a good idea after all, huh.
* As the Saints host the Buccaneers, Tree's ability to jinx teams by forecasting success for them proves to be alive and well:
-->'''UT''': This shouldn't be too hard of a challenge for the Saints. They're up against the black sheep of the NFC South and are down their [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameis_Winston starting quarterback]] for crimes against Uber drivers.[[note]]Winston was suspended for the first three games of the 2018 season for groping a female Uber driver in 2016.[[/note]] Their defence should be up to the task as the Buccaneers make a complete mockery of whatever the fuck their secondary was supposed to be ''[his tone gradually shifts to sickened disbelief]'' and the offence does their best to cough up the ball at every turn you fucking ''serious'' right now, Saints!? You do realise you gave up over 400 yards' passing to ''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Fitzpatrick Fitzception]]''. God damn it, this team has to be cursed. A golden opportunity for a win and you do ''that''. The ''fuck'' could have caused this?\\
''[harp glissando as the screen shifts to black and white, with a ripple effect on the video]''\\
'''Caption''': '''S[-EVERAL DAYS EARLIER ON-] NFL [-PREDICTION STREAM...-]'''\\
''[clip from a livestream hosted by Five Points Vids with Tree and [=ThatsGoodSports=] as guests, all giving their predictions for the 2018 NFL season; they are giving their picks for the NFC Championship Game winner, with TGS having picked the Rams]''\\
'''FPV''': Mr. Tree.\\
'''UT''': Ooh. This is a tough one because there are a lot of high-end teams... I'm gonna go Saints.\\
'''FPV''': Ho-ly ''geez'', wow! ''[enters the prediction into the spreadsheet]'' That's uh, some avant-garde shit right there.\\
'''UT''': This is their year to do it, this is it for them![[note]]He also picked them to win Super Bowl LIII.[[/note]]\\
''[back in the present, the Saints slump to a 48-40 loss]''\\
'''UT''': That video is obviously fake news, I would never make such a statement about a football team I can't back up!
* In the season premiere of "Days of Our Steelers", Tree makes light of Le'Veon Bell's contract standoff and practice no-shows, which culminates in Pittsburgh ''ending the Browns' losing streak''. With a tie rather than a loss, but this just allows for clips from the final scene of the ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' episode "Lisa on Ice", including Homer wailing "They're ''both losers!'' LOSERS!".
* The Jets start the season by demolishing the Lions 48-17 - but the game doesn't start well for them...
-->'''UT''': Meet the saviour of New York football in [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Darnold Sam Darnold!]] ''[on the first play of the game, Darnold throws a pass which is intercepted by the Lions' Quandre Diggs and run back 37 yards for a touchdown]'' Hold on, wrong footage, let's try this again.\\
''[Test Pattern]''

!![[AC:NFL Week Three (2018)]]
* A miraculous event, not seen since Christmas Eve 2016...
-->'''UT''': Thursday Night Football games are ''much'' more exciting and competitive, the NFL tells us! As they serenade us with lullabies of good football, they slip in ''this'' damn roofie of Jets versus Browns. Such a wonderfully appalling game where both teams do their best to put us to sleep and the Jets coast to an early lead. But then... a miracle happened. The Jets, learning nothing from their escapades from [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drew_Bledsoe Drew Bledsoe,]] butt-fumbled by injuring Tyrod Taylor. ''[Headline: "Browns' Tyrod Taylor knocked out of Jets game with concussion"]'' Enter the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baker_Mayfield cocky son of a bitch]] from Oklahoma. Look at him sling the ball in ways Tyrod can't! The Browns offence is somehow moving, their kicker ''isn't'' injured and can kick accurately. ''[Headline: "Hue Jackson didn't know Zane Gonzalez was kicking while injured Sunday"]'' Cleveland is legitimately the most excited about the Browns for the first time since 1999. In ways that shock even the football gods, the Browns pull ahead as the Jets proceed to butt-fumble this game like many before them. ''[Carlos Hyde runs the final yard for a touchdown that gives Cleveland a 21-17 lead; [[Music/LudwigVanBeethoven "Ode to Joy"]] begins playing in the background, while Tree affects his "Brass Bonanza" voice]'' [-CLEVELAND! YOU'VE DONE IT! YOU'VE WON A GAME!-]\\
'''Caption''': ''[flashing as children cheer]'' '''C[-ONGLATURATION!-]''' ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': It's like the druggie taking his first steps toward clean living. ''[over scenes of Browns fans celebrating the win]'' It's fucking ''stunning''. Legend has it that Baker Mayfield fathered at least thirty children on this night. Cleveland, a reward awaits: open the water supply! ''[in a Browns fan bar, the free beer reserved for team wins is finally passed around]''
* And elsewhere, another miracle as one team completely upends expectations and another somehow reverts to them...
-->'''UT''': You can at least pretend to comfort yourselves by saying that you aren't Buffalo. Straight fucking trash disguised as a football team marching to their deaths against the New Age Purple People Eaters and their new kicker Dan Bailey. ''[Headline: "Vikings cut Daniel Carlson, will sign Dan Bailey"]'' This is gonna be an outright massacre. Let's watch as they feast on the helpless villagers and pillage them of everything of value. I will vicariously enjoy this. ''[RecordNeedleScratch; the Bills have raced to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter]'' Wait a minute, wha?? The ''Bills'' are the ones doing the massacring!? Did the Vikings imitate their modern Swedish counterparts or something? There's playing down to your competition and then there's digging hundreds of feet beneath them. Josh Allen carried that torch and used your intestines as its lighting fuel.\\
'''Caption''': '''G[-REEN-] B[-AY'S TOP SEARCHED VIDEO ON-] P[-ORNHUB, WEEK OF-] S[-EPT. 23 2018-]'''\\
'''UT''': Was your team in fucking ''Wisconsin'' for the game or something? ''[an image appears of the Bills' official Twitter account announcing "Your Bills have arrived." with a graphic of a journey from Buffalo to... western Wisconsin, to which the Vikings' official Twitter account snarks, "Can't get anything by us, @buffalobills. We actually play in the other Minnesota."]'' Jesus ''Christ'', no wonder why this team can't win anything worth a damn. They're being routed by a place where there's nothing better to do but fuck like jackrabbits!\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ORDAN-] M[-ATTHEWS ON-] B[-UFFALO BABY:-] 'N[-OTHING TO DO THERE EXCEPT EACH OTHER-]''''\\
'''Caption''': '''C[-ONDOMS,-] J[-ORDAN...-]'''

!![[AC:NFL Week Four (2018)]]
* With Buffalo fresh from their upset win over Minnesota, Tree brings back the Buffalo Optimism Meter for their trip to Green Bay. It breaks again almost immediately...
-->'''UT''': I'm gonna try and bring out the Buffalo Optimism Meter once again. ''[a Bills logo with the Caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0" appears in the top right]'' They are back to a relatively healthy 60% ''["60%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' after a stunning and impressive victory over Minnesota in the 'dome. Now they fly to the ''[[CallBack real]]'' Wisconsin to face the Packarena. That would be optimistic, there is no such thing in this league.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''10%'''\\
'''UT''': Buffalo is dominated in every way, shape, and/or form against a team with a bunch of question marks on it.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''-20%'''\\
'''UT''': And this wasn't because of Aaron Rodgers, it was thanks to the Packers' D.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''-80%'''\\
'''UT''': You do realise this defence isn't that good, right.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''[[INeedAFreakingDrink B]][-[[INeedAFreakingDrink ARS ARE OPEN UNTIL 4AM]]-]'''\\
'''UT''': Josh Allen returned to being a rookie and the Optimism Meter crashed again.\\
'''What is Optimism? Buffa[[CallBack lol]] Pegulas''': ''[LosingHorns]'' '''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Norwood SCOTT NORWOOD]]'''\\
'''UT''': Back to the R&D department...

!![[AC:NFL Week Six (2018)]]
* Even without Ben [=McAdoo=], the Derp in New York is as strong as ever...
-->'''UT''': ''[as the Derp Song plays in the background]'' This has been the year where a lot of precious memes have died, but some grow ever stronger. The legend of the Derp is a thriving specimen. Mix in total annihilation[[note]]34-13, to be exact.[[/note]] at the hands of an Eagles team eager to make an example of someone, the wasted talents of Saquon Barkley, and the cutting of a certain turnstile ''[Headline: Giants cut Ereck Flowers]'' ''[Caption: Holy shit they did it]'' that will not be named helped to bring this pot to a boil. ''[over footage of Odell Beckham Jr. attacking a giant electric fan on the touchline to vent his frustration]'' The seasoning for this wonderous feast of Derp will be the salt of Odell Beckham, who has seen what Antonio Brown has been doing and has decided he wants to be the best in ''that'' regard as well. ''[Headline: Giants owner wants Odell Beckham to make headlines on field]'' One of these days the Giants will realise that Eli Manning should have been retired to pasture years ago, but the G-Men still need to pretend they are playoff contenders. In some Connecticut middle school, Ben [=McAdoo=] is pleasuring himself to his correct assumption on the Derp master. The ride never ends, boys...
* Another new version of the Buffalo Optimism Meter is rolled out after the Bills' shock win over the Titans in Week 5. In Week 6, the Bills go to Houston, and...
-->'''UT''': Last we checked in on the Bills, ''[a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0" appears in the top right]'' the Buffalo Optimism Meter was re-introduced at... let's say 20%. ''["20%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"]'' They held on for victory at home last week and are facing another team with glaring flaws. So far the result of this game has been... more offensive ineptitude.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''-40%'''\\
'''UT''': Despite the Texans continuing to trip over themselves like a toddler and the defence doing their part, the Bills can't do anything of note besides a few field goals.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''-60%'''\\
'''UT''': When you think it can't get worse... ''[Headline: Josh Allen won't play against Colts because of elbow injury]'' Josh Allen gets injured.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''-150%'''\\
'''UT''': Enter the return of... Petermeme.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[yell of agony]'' '''W[-HERE'S-] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._P._Losman J.P. L]][-[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._P._Losman OSMAN'S]] NUMBER?-]'''\\
'''UT''': He bumbles around to give Buffalo the... lead, what the hell?\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''[ding!]'' '''[[HopeSpot W]][-[[HopeSpot HY DO I HAVE A HALF-CHUB?]]-]'''\\
'''UT''': Am I seeing reality? The Bills might win it... oh my glorious God. ''[Peterman attempts a pass with just over a minute left, but the pass is intercepted by Jonathan Joseph and run back for a touchdown; 20-13 Texans]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0''': ''["Oh NO!"]'' '''F[-ULL-] P[-ETERMEME-]'''\\
'''L[-IQUOR DROUGHT IN THE REGION-]'''\\
''[explosion]'' '''O[-PTIMISM?-] B[-UFFA[[RunningGag LOL]]?-] A [-FOOLISH PROPOSITION!-]'''\\
'''UT''': The more things change, the more they stay the same. ''[[[VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1 "lose a life" jingle]]]'' Better luck next time, Buffalol!
* The Bears have taken to Miami for a showdown with the Dolphins, who are starting a quarterback not expected, and things get ugly fast.
-->'''Headline''': '''T[-ANNEHILL INACTIVE,-] O[-SWEILER STARTS FOR-] D[-OLPHINS-]'''\\
'''UT''': Oh god, you can't be fucking serious. The Dolphins are starting '''''BROCK OSWEILER?!?!''''' ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Title Card''': '''"T[-HE-] H[-OUSTON-] T[-EXANS CRY IN THEIR SLEEP-]"'''[[note]]At each of these intermissions, music from ''Series/ItsAlwaysSunnyInPhiladelphia'' plays.[[/note]]\\
''[Cut to the first half almost over...]''\\
'''UT''': The game is so far going as everyone expects it to. Brock Osweiler is playing like shit and da Bears have the lead. ''[...and then seven minutes remaining in the third quarter]'' It doesn't matter that the offense can't convert into premium results, you're playing Osweiler. This shouldn't be hard.\\
'''Title Card''': '''"T[-HE-] B[-EARS EXPERIENCE-] B[-ROCKTOBER-]"'''\\
''[Cut to a bit over nine minutes remaining in the fourth quarter with the Bears up 21-13...]''\\
'''UT''': This is when that vaunted front seven of the Bears can't do anything against Osweiler ''[...and then with the Bears up 28-21 with a bit over three minutes to go...]'' or an offensive line injured to shit and the Dolphins tie the game up. Throughout the Windy City, panic and uncertainty begin to set in. How the fuck are they choking up like this?! ''[...and then to the game a little less than three minutes into overtime.]'' Why are the Dolphins marching against that D? Why are they on the goddamn 1-yard line?!\\
'''Title Card''': '''"T[-HE-] D[-OLPHINS LOSE ECHOLOCATION-]"'''\\
''[Cut to the game almost halfway through overtime...]''\\
'''UT''': Miami then realizes they have narratives to maintain and choke everything to shit on the fucking 1-yard line. ''[...and then with less than four minutes remaining.]'' What a shocker, the Dolphins are going to blow it now! What higher power can fuck this up for the Bears?!\\
'''Title Card''': '''"T[-HE BEARS GET-] M[-C-]C[-ASKEY'D-]"'''\\
''[Cut to the Bears attempting a game-winning field goal with two minutes left, to no avail]''\\
'''UT''': How many times are these teams going to try to lose this game?! Can we somehow give both of these teams losses?! Neither deserve to win this shit fest! Oh lord, another field goal try. I pray he misses, a tie would be fitting.\\
'''Title Card''': '''"M[-IAMI KEEPS THE LACES OUT-]"'''\\
''[Cut to Jason Sanders kicking a 47-yard game winning field goal as time expires.]''\\
'''UT''': Conglaturation, Dolphins, you failed less than the Bears today.\\
'''Caption''': '''W[-HY THE HELL AREN'T THE-] B[-EARS 5-0 RIGHT NOW?-]'''\\
'''UT''': Take this undeserved win and get the fuck out of my face! ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''\\

!![[AC:NFL Week Ten (2018)]]
* The Lions' hopes for a good season are dashed by a 34-22 shellacking in Chicago. And, as Tree reveals, Detroit's basketball, hockey, and baseball fans have just as much cause for pessimism...
-->'''UT''': You think it couldn't get worse for you, Detroit, didja. Aw, look at how they think they had a chance at 10-6 this year, that's cute. Here comes the airplane known as Khalil Mack to smash your teeth in and put you back into the infirmary! Soldier Field was a slaughtering ground! A slaughtering of any hope that the Lions may have had for this season. Unless they win out, Detroit is ''done''. Even then, it may not be enough. Don't worry though, guys, even though you got routed by Chicago, at least you have the Pistons.\\
'''Headline''': ''[Series/FamilyFeud buzzer]'' '''P[-ISTONS FEEL-] H[-ORNETS' STING, DROP THIRD STRAIGHT AT HOME-]'''\\
'''UT''': The Red Wings?\\
'''Headline''': ''[Series/FamilyFeud buzzer]'' '''R[-ED-] W[-INGS KEEP SENDING MIXED SIGNALS ABOUT REBUILD-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''The Tigers!?''\\
'''Headline''': ''[Series/FamilyFeud buzzer]'' '''T[-IGERS REMAIN COMMITTED TO LOSING, WILL NOT SIGN BIG NAME FREE AGENTS THIS OFFSEASON-]'''\\
'''UT''': Your whole city is fucked. Where's Film/{{RoboCop|1987}} when you need him?

!![[AC:NFL Week Twelve (2018)]]
* Four weeks after giving Hue Jackson his long overdue marching orders, the Browns cross Ohio to play the Bengals, whose new "assistant to the head coach" (and ''de facto'' defensive co-ordinator) is... Hue Jackson.[[note]]Making this his ''third'' stint with the Bengals.[[/note]] Cue revenge for two and a half seasons of abject failure:
-->'''UT''': A bittersweet reunion between Hue Jackson and the Browns. Let's remember all the good times... that would be this game. The team that formerly employed Jackson laid into the ever-loving shit against the defence that Hue Jackson now "assists" in running. Conglaturation, Bungles, you have lost your punching bag of the division. They were straight ''annihilated''. Cincinnati gets some prizes too, though.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' '''R[-EPORT:-] AJ G[-REEN WON'T RETURN FOR-] B[-ENGALS VS.-] B[-ROWNS DUE TO TOE INJURY-]'''\\
'''UT''': First, an injury taking A.J. Green out of this game, limiting your air attack. Speaking of passing, Andy Dalton's thumb got ''wrecked''.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch and yell of pain]'' '''B[-ENGALS-] QB A[-NDY-] D[-ALTON SUFFERS THUMB INJURY IN LOSS-]'''\\
'''UT''': Bow down to a team that hadn't won a road game in over ''three years''. The shade that the Browns were throwing at Hue Jackson all game was [[LaserGuidedKarma delicious karma]]. ''[Browns safety Damarious Randall intercepts a pass from Andy Dalton and sarcastically presents the ball to Jackson on the sidelines]'' It's obvious that he can't lead an organisation and left bad blood in Cleveland.\\
'''Headline''': '''B[-AKER-] M[-AYFIELD CALLS-] H[-UE-] J[-ACKSON 'FAKE' AFTER BEING TOLD TO 'GROW UP'-]'''\\
'''Caption''': '''P[-URELY SAVAGE-]'''\\
'''UT''': Let's make him our heir apparent to Marvin Lewis!?... ''[laughs uproariously]''\\
'''Headline''': '''H[-UE-] J[-ACKSON COULD BE NEXT IN LINE TO BE THE-] B[-ENGALS' NEXT HEAD COACH IF-] M[-ARVIN-] L[-EWIS EXITS-]'''\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''UT''': And you wonder why the Bungles are their namesake.

!![[AC:NFL Week Fourteen (2018)]]
* The New England Patriots are about to escape Miami with a win. And then Miami pulls off a miracle.
-->'''UT''': All they have to do is coast to victory.\\
''[Tannehill passes the ball to Kenny Stills, who laterals the ball to [=DeVante=] Parker. Parker then laterals it to Kenyan Drake, who takes off running. As he nears the endzone, the Patriot with the best chance to tackle him is tight end Rob Gronkowski, playing deep in anticipation of a Hail Mary pass]''\\
'''Caption''': '''I[-T'S AN EXTEREMLY LOW PERCENTAGE PLAY.-] [[TemptingFate N]][-[[TemptingFate O WAY THEY PULL IT OFF.]]-]'''\\
'''UT''': There's no way Drake's gonna get past... ''Gronk?''\\
'''Caption''': ''[accompanied by RecordNeedleScratch]'' '''S[-ERIOUSLY?-] G[-RONK?-]'''\\
''[Gronkowski whiffs on the tackle as Drake runs the ball into the endzone, winning the game for Miami. After this happens, Series/ThePriceIsRight theme plays, fireworks go off and CONGLATURATION! flashes on the screen]''\\
'''UT''': [[SarcasmMode Oh, boo-hoo. The Patriots have to eat shit thanks to choking on Miami's boot again. Quick, let me reach into my bag of fucks to give.]]\\
''[UT begins to laugh his ass off as the following captions flash on the screen]''\\
'''H[-ow do you blow that?-]'''\\
'''C[-ONGLATURATION!-]'''\\
'''T[-HOSE MISSED POINTS!-]'''\\
'''B[-AD KICKING!-]'''\\
'''C[-ONGLATURATION!-]'''\\
''[At this point, Film/BillyMadison screams "YOU BLEW IT!" repeatedly and [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyX Tidus' fake laugh]] is heard over the din. All the while, Tree continues to laugh his ass off]''\\
'''F[-UCKING-] G[-RONK!-]'''\\
'''G[-LORIOUS KARMA!-]'''\\
'''C[-ONGLATURATION!-]'''\\
'''S[-ERIOUSLY, WHY-] G[-RONK?-]'''\\
'''N[-OBODY HAS SYMPATHY!-]'''\\
'''P[-RAISE THE FOOTBALL GODS!-]'''\\
'''C[-ONGLATURATION!-]'''\\
'''UT''': I FUCKING '''''LOVE IT!'''''

!![[AC:NFL Week Fifteen (2018)]]
* Things are looking very good for the Chiefs. They're at home against the Chargers, a division rival they haven't lost to since 2013, up 14 over 93% of the way through regulation. And if they win this, they clinch not only the division, but a first round bye in the playoffs. And the Patriots' recent loss from the Miracle in Miami puts Kansas City in prime position to clinch the #1 seed and home-field advantage, too. They just have to pull it together, and it's basically theirs for the taking.
-->'''UT''': It's a narrative unlike any other in the AFC West the Chargers cannot beat Kansas City. The everlasting hype between Hunter Henry and Derek Johnson ''[Caption: THANK YOU, STEPHEN A. SMITH FOR SUCH BRILLIANT ANALYSIS]'' comes to a head for a shot at division supremacy. In the beginning, narratives were safe. The Chiefs were stomping all over their fresh bait with 14 point leads aplenty. A celebration was about to begin at Arrowhead. ''[A graph shows KC having a 99.3% chance of winning]'' Up by two scores with four minutes left in the 99% chance of winning. The wonders of Reid have truly faded! A man of majesty indeed.\\
''[Rivers hands it off to Jackson, who gets into the end zone with 3:49 remaining to make the score 28-21 following an extra point.]''\\
'''UT''': No worries my friends, though. Ram the ball and finish them!\\
''[Facing a 3rd and 13 near their own goal line with 3:25 left, Mahomes is sacked.]''\\
'''UT''': Gods, it's happening again. Prepare the bunkers, everyone! ''[a siren blares in the background]'' The Chiefs are buckling and their defense is smoldering plastic! Full Reid has awoken from dormancy! The Diamond Dogs give zero fucks as the women and children are crying in the corner! If you have a God, pray to it now!\\
''[Rivers makes a pass to Michael Williams to put them up 28-27 with four seconds left.]''\\
'''UT''': Prepare the bunkers again! ''[the sirens get more extreme]'' Angry Chiefs fans are coming to bitch about refball! ''[Caption: NICE "PENALTY"]'' Even though their fourth touchdown drive ''[Caption: "HOLDING PENALTY"]'' was aided by bad calls and they missed a plate and helmet to helmet head on Rivers ''[Caption: THE NFL CARES SO MUCH ABOUT PLAYERS SAFETY, DON'T THEY?]'', so the incompetence was equal opportunity. ''[Caption: THE SIMULTANEOUS REACTION OF EVERY CHIEFS FAN IN ATTENDANCE, over a frame of Orlando Scandrick looking stunned]'' And the Chargers aren't wasting time, they're going straight for the kill. I know I'm conservative was going for two, but here? Do it. ''[Caption: THAT KINDA SEEMS LIKE A PUSHOFF. As the replay shows Williams in a pushoff against one of the Chargers defenders]'' Make us laugh at failure yet again!\\
''[The 2-point pass is easily made, putting the Chargers up 29-28, which would be the final score. Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]''\\
'''UT''': The Chargers have cojones of titanium. ''[Caption: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THESE REFS ARE FUCKING ATROCIOUS FOR BOTH SIDES]'' Walking on water and silencing their enemies with another comeback! Narratives die ''[Caption: BOB SUTTON'S SECONDARY, EVERYONE!, showing an aerial view of the attempt.]'' as Rivers probably has a few more kids as a result. And there's also a playoff berth in here somewhere, too.\\
'''L[-OS-] A[-NGELES-] C[-HARGERS: PLAYOFF BOUND!-]''' ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': Don't worry too much, Chiefs, at least you guys still control your own destiny. ''[Mr. Kincade from the WesternAnimation/SouthPark episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!"]'' You're gonna blow this, aren't you.
* Entering a matchup between the Raiders who could be Las Vegas bound soon, and the Bengals, who got off to a great start for the season but have since floundered massively, it's a Tank Bowl! But things get weird. ''Really'' weird.
-->'''UT''': Another Tank Bowl? How many of them are there going to be this week?![[note]]This episode had two more before it, Tank Bowl XII with the Cardinals and Falcons, and XIII with the Lions and Bills. Tank Bowl XV between the Redskins and the Jaguars appears later in the video.[[/note]]\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a shortened version of "Roundball Rock"]'' '''TANK BOWL XIV: R[-AIDERS VS-] B[-ENGALS-]'''\\
'''UT''': Yeah, I think this joke is running on high mileage at this point. Oakland, I know it's been a rough year for you but let's check the news; maybe something good happened to you after that win against Pittsburgh. Well, you fired your GM Reggie [=McKenzie=] ''[Headline: Reggie [=McKenzie=] out as Raiders General Manager]'' after he lost his power struggle, unsurprising. The city of Oakland is suing you and the NFL ''[Headline: City of Oakland Suing NFL over Raiders' move to Las Vegas]''; that's always a sign of goodwill. This also means you could be thrown out of the city ''[Headline: Where Will The Oakland Raiders Call Home In 2019?]'' and have to scramble for a new home next year; fun times. ''[Headline: Amari Cooper Says Mark Davis, Not Jon Gruden, Wanted To Trade Star WR]'' Here's Amari Cooper saying that Jon Gruden ''wasn't'' the one that got him traded; I need popcorn for this saga. And ah yes ''[Headline: Martavis Bryant Suspended Indefinitely by NFL for Substance Abuse Violation]'', Martavis Bryant got suspended indefinitely because he can't stop smoking weed, more good news. On the field, yeah, you got your shit kicked in by a broken team because your idea of stopping Joe Mixon was letting him run free in the hopes that he'd run out of batteries. Take this complimentary loss as ''[Caption: MIGHT AS WELL CLOSE OFF THE UPPER BOWLS FOR THIS GAME, and shows a picture of the top stands mostly empty]'' nobody bothered to show up to the stadium to even SEE your ass-kicking. Cincy wins the game and they also win another prize: playoff elimination!\\
'''C[-INCINNATI-] B[-ENGALS: ELIMINATED!-] ''[StockScream is used as a black spit is thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Do you guys remember when the Bungles were 4-1? Seems like it's in a different age when you look back on it. You got exposed and your answer is probably going to be Hue Jackson or more Marvin Lewis. You guys are fucked. Have a nice life!
* With the defending champions hanging on by a thread after a disappointing season sweep courtesy of the Cowboys, their next stop is Los Angeles for a showdown with a Rams team that they're expected to get demolished by. Things go FromBadToWorse with Carson Wentz suffering a back injury that basically has him out for the season. No way can Nick Foles bring them back again. Right?
-->'''UT''': The Eagles are dealing with panic yet again. They're gingerly straddling the lines of playoff elimination. Even worse, their former lord and savior Carson Wentz is dealing with an injury and may not return this season. ''[Headlines: Carson Wentz has back injury that could shut him down for season / Nick Foles To Start Sunday's Game Against Rams Due To Carson Wentz's Injury]'' Re-enter the legend of Philadelphia. '''BIG. DICK. NICK.''' His mythos is continuing in the hostile territory of the Rams with another strong performance. ''[Headline: Eagles news: The Rams are preparing for Eagles fans to invade their home stadium]'' I'd like to believe that's why a swath of Eagles fans made the trek to LA to cheer them on. Hell, his magic even affected the Rams' offense. Jared Goff, this is not the time to revert to rookie form. You have a #1 seed to try and shoot for!\\
'''Caption''': '''J[-EFF-] F[-ISHER MUST BE IN THE STANDS.-]'''\\
'''UT''': The only thing he's shooting is his own ass! Even then, the Eagles have loved themselves a good collapse this year. They're ready to bend over and take a painful colonoscopy of a loss!\\
''[The final play of the game is Goff throwing from the Eagles' 18-yard line for the end zone, but the pass falls incomplete as time expires, making the final score 30-23 Eagles.]''\\
'''UT''': The Rams are now stunned on the ground only mumbling the word "Foles". I think Philly's doing this shit on purpose!

!![[AC:NFL Week Seventeen (2018)]]
* The Eagles go to Washington with the postseason on the line; a win, coupled with a Vikings defeat at home to the Bears, will net Philadelphia the final NFC Wild Card spot. Luckily, the Redskins are at a disadvantage which Tree decides merits an award:
-->'''UT''': First, the Eagles have to take care of their own business against a team probably starting the ball boy and a few janitors at this point. Redskins, your season may have fallen to shit faster than the Aztec Empire, but you can at least take home one award: the Injury Bowl.\\
''[with a SickeningCrunch and yell of agony, the "YOU'RE WINNER !" trophy from ''VideoGame/BigRigsOverTheRoadRacing'' appears on screen... its stem broken in half]''\\
'''UT''': Just be careful with it, it's fragile.
* With the NFC's playoff picture all wrapped up, now it's to the AFC, where two AFC South teams are competing for the last slot. And Pittsburgh hoping for an absurdity.
-->'''AFC [-SIXTH BATTLE PLAN:-] T[-ENNESSEE - WIN AND IN /-] I[-NDIANAPOLIS - WIN AND IN / PITTSBURGH --] TEN/IND [-TIE AND IN-]'''\\
'''UT''': As for the final playoff spot available, it's simple between the Colts and Titans as they play each other: win or go home. If they somehow tie, the Steelers end up clinching the sixth seed. Knowing everything, Pittsburgh's getting this spot, aren't they. ''[cut to the game]'' If so, it's going to be harder for them as Marcus Mariota will NOT be playing this week. ''[Headline: Marcus Mariota out vs. Colts; stinger puts QB's long-term throwing ability at risk]'' Turns out that stinger he suffered was more severe than once thought ''[Headline: Marcus Mariota reportedly at risk of permanently damaging his shoulder]'' and he may risk permanent damage if he tries to tough it out. Thus, Tennessee must rely on their new golden goose in Blaine Fucking Gabbert.\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-HIS IS THE SOUND WHEN ALL HOPE DIES-]'''\\
'''UT''': Oh boy. If anything, at least Indianapolis is impaling themselves on the same pike repeatedly by means of turnovers and penalties. This game is somewhat competitive despite the Colts dominating the stats sheet. Tennessee still has a chance. And honestly, that's all they need.\\
''[Almost 85% of the way through the game with the Titans down 17-24, Gabbert scrambles then throws a pass, only to be intercepted by Colts defensive back Kenny Moore.]''\\
'''UT''': Right, they have Blaine Gabbert as their QB, that'll kill off any optimism. Indianapolis finishes them off and you have another Titans season that's... Do I honestly have to say it?\\
'''T[-ENNESSEE-] T[-ITANS: ELIMINATED!-]''' ''[a throwing up sound can be heard over black spit being thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Too inconsistent. That's what I call the Titans. A team that would smoke the Patriots and then fall to shit against teams like the Bills. That's never a recipe for success, no matter how many times you try to go for 2. Now you wonder if Mariota can stay healthy enough to be the permanent solution! That's never a good question to have. In fact, this is a two for one special! This also cancels the annual march of the Yinzers.\\
'''P[-ITTSBURGH-] S[-TEELERS: ELIMINATED!-]''' ''[a stock scream from one of the Mortal Kombat games is heard over the black spit being thrown on the team logo]''\\
'''UT''': Total and utter fucking failures. The entirety of the football world dances. The soap opera reaches an early end. I would grab my axe, but it was lost under the collapse. By process of elimination, the Colts are the last man standing! They have made it back to the playoffs.\\
'''I[-NDIANAPOLIS-] C[-OLTS: PLAYOFF BOUND!-]''' ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': This is honestly a really goddamn good job by them. From going 1-5 with brutal losses aplenty to rattling off 9 of 10 wins thanks to a resurgent Andrew Luck. Once again, another very interesting team for January.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:2019 NFL Season]]
!![[AC:NFL Week One (2019)]]
* The Ravens/Dolphins matchup does not get the typical snarky commentary. Instead...
-->'''Caption''': '''S[-HITPOSTING-] U[-NITED PRESENTS-]'''\\
'''T[-HE-] D[-OLPHIN-] K[-ILLERS OF-] M[-ARYLAND-]'''\\
''[a selection of highlights from the Ravens' [[CurbStompBattle 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins]], with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's ''Pagliacci'') overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of [[Film/AceVentura Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia]], another from the ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' episode "Whale Whores" where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkLiT1jV5Ms&t=5903s archive footage from Super Bowl VII]] where the Dolphins' placekicker Garo Yepremian turns the ball over to the Washington Redskins' Mike Bass, who would return the ball for a touchdown]''[[note]]Although the Dolphins still won, Yepremian's gaffe is still regarded as one of the worst mistakes in a Super Bowl, and it prevented a potential cherry on the sundae of the Dolphins' perfect season: a 17-0 scoreline to match their 17-0 record. Instead, the final score was Miami 14, Washington 7; it remained the lowest-scoring Super Bowl until 2019.[[/note]]\\
'''Mike Florio'''[[note]]NFL analyst for NBC Sports.[[/note]]: Multiple players got their agents on the phone after today's loss and said "Get us out of here. We want to be traded, we don't want to be part of this effort to tank for Tua Tagovailoa or whoever the Dolphins would take."\\
'''Headline''': '''R[-EPORT: MULTIPLE-] D[-OLPHINS ASKED AGENTS TO DEMAND TRADE AFTER-] R[-AVENS' BLOWOUT LOSS-]'''\\
'''Caption''': '''F[-IN-]'''\\
'''UT''': You know how you were going to have a long season, Miami? Multiply that length by at least five.\\
'''Caption''': '''S[-OME FINE BULLSHIT YOU HAVE DOWN THERE-]'''\\
'''Headline''': '''M[-IAMI-] D[-OLPHINS COACH-] B[-RIAN-] F[-LORES:-] 'I [-HAVE A GOOD TEAM'-]'''\\
'''UT''': God this team is trash.
* After last season's Buffalo Optimism Meter, Tree has a new device to measure the performance of one of their division rivals - who happen to be playing the Bills:
-->'''UT''': I feel like ''this'' is the time for glaring at the Jets. Despite their godawful off-season they have ''some'' optimism with the talent they've brought in. They're playing a fellow rebuilding compadre in the Bills which will be a good gauge of where they're at. I have purchased a Buttfumble Detector ''[a graphic of a smoke alarm with a Jets logo appears top left, accompanied by the "Perfect" Special Stage jingle from VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog3]'' in the hopes that it will ''not'' flare up in this game. Checks and balances are a good thing. So far, it appears that New York is in control, but more because Josh Allen and Bills receivers can't stop turning over the damn ball. Despite the offence stalling, the new defence brings [=MetLife=] Stadium joy. Perhaps new kicker Kaare Vedvik will do the same.\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ETS CLAIM-] K[-AARE-] V[-EDVIK, CUT-] T[-AYLOR-] B[-ERTOLET IN KICKER SHAKEUP-]'''\\
''[Vedvik kicks for an extra point after the first touchdown... and the ball goes wide left. The Buttfumble Detector starts shaking and beeping]''\\
'''UT''': Of course. I mean, come on, the Bills have had four turnovers and you've barely done anything with them! At least kick a field goal? ''[Vedvik's attempt goes wide right; the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps again]''\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ETS SIGN NEW KIKCER AFTER HOSTING TRYOUT, WAIVE K[-AARE-] V[-EDVIK-] FOLLOWING TWO WEEK 1 MISSES-]'''\\
'''UT''': Perhaps you shouldn't have cheaped out on the Pro Bowl kicker, Jets. Look, you may be fucking up but [[MaliciousMisnaming Buffalol]] isn't doing anything. You have a 16-point lead while barely even ''trying''. As long as the defence still clicks, you're good.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, stock groan of agony, and more shaking and beeping from the Buttfumble Detector]'' '''A[-FTER-] C.J. M[-OSLEY LEAVES WITH GROIN INJURY,-] J[-ETS FALL APART-]'''\\
'''UT''': Oh, ''God!'' It's at this point where the Bills break the chains and unlock their offensive ability. In one of the more Jetsiest games we've seen, Buffalo surges back for 17 unanswered points when they looked dead in the water. Who knew that a defence without their leader and an anorexic offence force-feeding Le'Veon Bell would lead to disaster? ''[as John Brown catches a pass from Josh Allen for the winning touchdown for the Bills, the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps once again, continuing throughout the rest of the segment]'' I am outright '''shocked''' that this Buttfumble Detector is going haywire as I speak. Jets fans, here's a lesson for you: don't get hyped. This team will ''always'' deflate them. ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]''
* The Steelers' season gets off to a disastrous start with a 33-3 loss to, yes, the Patriots. Tree offers a teaser for the upcoming full-length evisceration of Pittsburgh's performance in the return of the ''Days of Our Steelers'':
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Patriots' Super Bowl LIII championship banner being unveiled]'' We now go live to Pittsburgh to gauge the fan reaction to this game and activities.\\
''[aerial shot of Point State Park (with Heinz Field just out of frame to the left), accompanied by a very long StockScream of horror]''\\
'''Caption''': '''P[-ITTSBURGH SALT LEVEL-]'''\\
''[ding!]'' '''P[-OTATO PATCH FRY SEASONING-]'''\\
'''UT''': I need another video to dissect how shit the Steelers were. I want to '''die'''. That is all.

!![[AC:NFL Week Two (2019)]]
* The Steelers look to redeem their Week 1 loss to the Patriots, but during the first half, a certain "Captain" falls...
-->'''UT''': Unlike last week, this game is the true test for the Steelers: an equal opponent in Seattle at home. Even with the offense struggling early, I have confidence that they will pull through in the end.\\
''[A SickeningCrunch, a scream, and a loud gong sound in unison as Ben Roethlisberger gets injured]''\\
'''Headline''': '''S[-TEELERS'-] B[-EN-] R[-OETHLISBERGER (ELBOW) OUT FOR THE YEAR-]'''\\
'''UT''': I need to separate this again, God damn it.
* The Buttfumble Detector gets another workout when the Browns visit [=MetLife=] Stadium looking for redemption after getting smeared 43-13 by the Titans in Week 1.
-->'''UT''': J-E-T-S Jets football on a nondescript Monday night. You know what this means: bring out the Buttfumble Detector. ''[said item appears top left with its usual jingle]'' After last week's Jetting of potential winning, this game comes with added challenges.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' '''J[-ETS'-] C.J. M[-OSLEY,-] Q[-UINNEN-] W[-ILLIAMS OUT VS.-] B[-ROWNS WITH GROIN, ANKLE INJURIES-]'''\\
'''UT''': Your defensive stalwarts C.J. Mosley and Quinnen Williams are out with injury. Sam Darnold to the rescue? Not today.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' '''S[-AM-] D[-ARNOLD OUT INDEFINITELY WITH MONO-]'''\\
'''UT''': He has been stricken down with mononucleosis for an uncertain period of time. ''[which is enough to set off the Buttfumble Detector]'' Even bacteria knows a buttfumble when it sees one. Let's cut to the chase, this game isn't even close from the get-go. The Browns didn't even ''do'' that well, but it didn't matter. The Jets offence was somehow even flatter than last week.\\
'''Headline''': '''F[-ORMER-] B[-RONCOS-] QB T[-REVOR-] S[-IEMIAN TO START FOR-] N[-EW-] Y[-ORK-] J[-ETS IN WEEK 2-]'''\\
'''UT''': Trevor Siemian was thrust into action and showed his rust early.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, StockScream of pain]'' '''J[-ETS-] QB T[-REVOR-] S[-IEMIAN OUT FOR SEASON WITH ANKLE INJURY-]'''\\
'''UT''': At least until the football gods had enough and struck ''him'' down with injury as well. Prepare for third stringer Luke Falk.\\
'''Headline''': ''[as the Buttfumble Detector goes off again]'' '''L[-UKE-] F[-ALK TAKES OVER AS-] J[-ETS STARTING QUARTERBACK-]'''\\
'''UT''': This is gonna be another long season, ain't it. Le'Veon Bell was out here trying to Rambo the entire defence, yet there's nothing else around him. The Jets are buttfumbling their way to Tank Bowl territory, it's ''that'' bad for them. Once again, Cleveland wasn't overly impressive, but they had a ''pulse''. It was all they needed to beat this team. With their upcoming schedule, the Jets could realistically go 0-6.\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-HEY WILL PLAY THE-] P[-ATRIOTS TWICE, THE-] C[-OWBOYS, AND THE-] E[-AGLES-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[as the Buttfumble Detector goes off again, continuing throughout the rest of the segment]'' That tank might be getting ''fierce''.\\
'''Headlines''': '''J[-ETS'-] J[-AMAL-] A[-DAMS CONFIRMS HE WAS BENCHED IN MONDAY NIGHT BLOWOUT VS.-] B[-ROWNS-]'''\\
'''J[-AMAL-] A[-DAMS UNFOLLOWS-] J[-ETS ON-] I[-NSTAGRAM-]'''\\
'''UT''': Wouldja look at that, you've pissed off Jamal Adams and ''he'' may want out of this shithole.\\
'''Caption''': '''N[-OT A DYNAMIC PLAYER, EH,-] G[-REGG-] W[-ILLIAMS?-]'''\\
'''UT''': Can I somehow ''amplify'' this Buttfumble Detector?

!![[AC:NFL Week Three (2019)]]
* What happens when one of the most common matchups of Thursday Night Football in the last few years - Titans vs. Jaguars - comes up again on the broadcast? Tree uses it as a chance to make fun of the whole concept of TNF in the first place:
-->'''UT''': ''[in an announcer's voice]'' Do you like trash? Is there nothing that get you more excited than getting cock-blocked by penalties? Then welcome to the Thursday Night Invitational! Tenessee vs. Jacksonville! Because what other NFL teams would be willingly be regulars to this ill-concieved cash grab? All of your favorite time-wasters are here! Screen passes! Near-unplayable field conditions!\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-HREE DAYS REST!-]'''\\
'''UT''': Terrible roughing-the-passer calls! ''[over a Tom Brady tweet complaining about the penalties]'' Here's Tom Brady's seal of disapproval! Is that the power going out again? No, that's just the Tenessee offense sucking air! Tough choices: do you choose between Marcus Mariota...or the white Marcus Mariota?\\
'''Caption''': '''F[-REEDOM OF CHOICE!-]'''\\
'''Headline''': '''M[-IKE-] V[-RABEL:-] R[-YAN-] T[-ANNEHILL WON'T REPLACE-] M[-ARCUS-] M[-ARIOTA DESPITE WEEK 3 LOSS-]'''\\
'''UT''': Fourth down decision time, Vrabel! You... ''[in his regular voice]'' ...you're gonna go for it on the 4th and six? Perhaps get a line next time, buddy. ''[back to announcer voice, over interview footage with Jaguars quarterback Gardner Minshew]'' Look at this piece of man: [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Gardner. Minshew.]]\\
'''Headline''': '''G[-ARDNER-] M[-INSHEW GETS BIZARRE $1 MILLION OFFER FROM PORN SITE-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Minshew's touchdown pass to DJ Chark]'' He threw a pass. I repeat, he threw a pass. ''Holy fucking shit.''\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-IME FOR THE-] NFL [-WORLD TO OVERHYPE HIM TO HELL LIKE EVERY OTHER YOUNG-] QB'''\\
'''UT''': This is no contest, but let's drag everything out because we hate you and Jalen Ramsey's gonna be gone soon.\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ALEN-] R[-AMSEY NOT PRACTICING WITH-] J[-AGUARS DUE TO ILLNESS, AS TRADE REQUEST STILL LINGERS-]'''\\
'''UT''': Congratulations, you've suffered an injury!\\
'''Headline''': '''T[-ITANS-] QB M[-ARCUS-] M[-ARIOTA SACKED NINE TIMES IN LOSS TO-] J[-AGUARS-]'''\\
'''UT''': Thursday Night Football! Only on the NFL Network! [---Your cable provider probably dropped it like Dede Westbrook.---]
* The Buttfumble Detector gets a week off, even though the Jets are playing the team against whom they committed the Buttfumble in 2012. The game itself is typically lopsided:
-->'''UT''': ''[game show host voice]'' New England! Congratulations! You're today's recipient of a free win!\\
'''Caption''': ''[flashing, accompanied by the "win" bell from Series/ThePriceIsRight]'' '''F[-REE WIN!!!-]'''\\
'''UT''': That's right, a free win! ''[sound of children cheering]'' You get to play at home against a perennial doormat in the New York Jets! Look at how they'll pretend to hype this matchup as a clash of [=QBs=] selected with a 199th pick!\\
'''Headline''': '''L[-UKE-] F[-ALK FOLLOWS IN FOOTSTEPS OF IDOL-] T[-OM-] B[-RADY, GOES TO-] T[-ITANS WITH PICK NO. 199-]'''\\
'''UT''': That's the only way these two will be compared. It is a stomping of all things Jets. The offence quashed, the defence emasculated, the coaching staff bug-eyed and regretting their life choices. Don't worry, Jets, you're not in a nightmare, you've been dead for years! We'll see you again in a few weeks for another ass-kicking!
* For the first time in over a year, ''Days of Our Steelers'' is nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately, this doesn't herald a return to form:
-->'''UT''': ''[as "Pennsylvania Polka" plays in the background]'' Sports philosophers and shitposters from across the land analysing this game will be perplexed at the findings.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt]'' '''T[-HANKS FOR THE FREE PICK, SIR.-]'''\\
'''UT''': They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and '''still''' not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.\\
'''Caption''': ''[Steelers WR Johnny Holton runs for a 9-yard gain]'' '''T[-HIS WAS THE BEST OFFENSIVE PLAY OF THE FIRST HALF.-] Y[-EAH.-]'''\\
'''UT''': Why do you waste the valiant efforts of that defence?\\
'''Caption''': ''[Garoppolo throws an incomplete pass to running back Jeff Wilson]'' '''E[-RROR:-] K[-YLE-] J[-USZCZYK'S STIFF ARM FOOTAGE NOT FOUND-]'''\\
'''UT''': Of Minkah Fitzpatrick's greatest game as a professional? Only ''six points'' off five turnovers. It was only a matter of time before the Niners woke up, and they eventually did. ''[49ers WR Richie James, Jr. loses control of the ball on the Steelers' 7-yard line, and Watt recovers it]'' Even as they fumbled near the goal line - '''again''' - the Steelers merely returned the favour in prime field position.\\
'''Caption''': ''[sure enough, Steelers running back James Conner loses control of the ball, and 49ers defensive tackle [=DeForest=] Buckner recovers it]'' '''W[-HAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE-] S[-TEELERS O-LINE?-]'''\\
'''UT''': They only had about ''two'' good offensive plays. It was ''that'' bad. An 0-3 start with a team that can't tank because they traded their first round pick. As a salty yinzer, I am starting to shit myself.\\
'''Headline''': '''S[-TEELERS REPORTEDLY TRADE 2020 FIFTH ROUND PICK TO-] S[-EAHAWKS FOR TIGHT END-] N[-ICK-] V[-ENNETT-]'''\\
'''Caption''': '''P[-ICTURED: DESPERATE MANAGEMENT-]'''\\
'''UT''': Blood pressure's starting to rise.
* The {{Stinger}} deviates from its usual game highlight to show [[https://twitter.com/SteveLindsayCBS/status/1176062864701964288 footage of a Philadelphia resident who helped to catch babies out of a burning building]], saying "we was catching them, [[TakeThat unlike [Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Nelson] Agholor]]."[[note]]Agholor had fumbled a pass in the second quarter of that week's game against the Lions, who recovered the ball and went on to kick a field goal.[[/note]]
-->'''Caption''': '''N[-EVER CHANGE,-] P[-HILLY.-] N[-EVER CHANGE.-]'''

!![[AC:NFL Week Four (2019)]]
* The Buttfumble Detector gets another week off thanks to the Jets being on their bye week, but after a 3-0 start for the Bills, the Buffalo Optimism Meter is back! The uncharacteristically listless Patriots and a strong defensive stand cause the meter to rise and fall repeatedly, but the end result is sadly inevitable:
-->'''UT''': It's that time again, boys and the three girls watching, to whip out the Buffalo Optimism Meter for another year of false hope! ''[this time, the caption below the Bills logo in the top right reads "BUFFALO OPTIMISM METER 2019.3.0"]'' At this point in time, the readings are well over 100%.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[ding!]'' '''125%'''\\
'''UT''': A 3-0 start, the rebuild is going well, Josh Allen hasn't shit himself on the field. Unfortunately, then you realise that that record is only due to weak opponents.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''110%'''\\
'''UT''': We very slowly learn yet correctly assume that Josh Allen isn't the greatest decision maker when it comes to throwing a football.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''90%'''\\
'''UT''': Turnovers are gifted to the Patriots to run away with the game. Yet they never do.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[ding!]'' '''110%'''\\
'''UT''': The Bills defence puts up an outstanding performance in front of the Mafia.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[ding!]'' '''140%'''\\
'''UT''': Tom Brady unable to gain traction, momentum gained for the overall objective of victory.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[ding!]'' '''170%'''\\
'''UT''': Yet they never capitalise.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''120%'''\\
'''UT''': It is frustration played out on a field of well-manicured grass.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''90%'''\\
'''UT''': They get so close to ''finally'' overcoming their demons.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[ding!]'' '''100%'''\\
'''UT''': Only to succumb to them over and over again.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''80%'''\\
'''UT''': Even worse, they'll have to do it without their prize goose, Josh Allen.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''50%'''\\
'''Headline''': '''B[-ILLS'-] J[-OSH-] A[-LLEN SUFFERS HEAD INJURY VS.-] P[-ATRIOTS; REPLACED BY-] M[-ATT-] B[-ARKLEY-]'''\\
'''UT''': He was killed by means of the NFL giving no fucks about player safety.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''35%'''\\
'''UT''': Matt Barkley will have to be the one to get them past this hell.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''A[-T LEAST IT'S NOT-] P[-ETERMEME?-]'''\\
'''UT''': He's doing well to start, he ''even'' gets them a shot at redemption.\\
''[with the score 16-10 to the Patriots just over four minutes into the fourth quarter and the Bills at 4th and Goal on the Patriots' 3-yard line, Barkley tries firing a pass to WR Zay Jones in the end zone, but he can't quite get his hands on it, and the ball is recovered by Patriots safety Patrick Chung]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''W[-HERE IS-] T[-RENT-] E[-DWARDS?-]'''\\
'''UT''': They fail.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''E.J. M[-ANUEL?-] A[-NYONE?-]'''\\
'''UT''': Even then, New England ''still'' can't gain traction against the suffocating might of the Bills defence.\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[ding!]'' '''P[-LZ-] B[-ARKLEY DON'T FUCK UP-]'''\\
'''UT''': All they need is one drive. One push and glory is theirs.\\
''[with a minute and a half to go and the Bills at 3rd and 9 on the Patriots' 39-yard line, Barkley tries to pass to WR John Brown, but the Patriots defence smother him into misfiring the pass to Patriots linebacker Jamie Collins, who returns it for an 11-yard gain]''\\
'''Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0''': ''[fart noise]'' '''O[-H GODDAMNIT-]'''\\
''[fart noise]'' '''I [-ONLY DESIRE SWEET, MERCIFUL DEATH-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[over the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' "Game Over" jingle]'' And with that, your chance of being the heroes we need is gone. Don't worry, Josh Allen would have been just as awful in this scenario.\\
'''Caption''': ''[at an angle in the top left]'' '''P[-URE AGONY 11/10 PAIN-]'''\\
'''UT''': See you in Foxborough for another wasted defensive effort!

!![[AC:NFL Week Ten (2019)]]
* The Jets vs. Dolphins game winds up being so notoriously bad that Tree gives it its own video: calling it [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aLxhe6vBAw "The Greatest Game."]]
** There are several skits throughout that involve Kelechi Osemele and his [[DentedIron nagging shoulder issues]] to which the Jets are...[[NoSympathy less than sympathetic]]...
--->'''Kelechi''': Hey, can I talk to you guys for a moment?\\
'''Jets''': Okay, I guess we can take a second to talk with [[ImStandingRightHere a struggling lineman]]...\\
'''Kelechi''': My shoulder's been ''really'' hurting for a while now, and I think it may be serious.\\
'''Jets''': Uh-huh, what's your point?\\
'''Kelechi''': Can the doctors take a look at it and see if anything is wrong?\\
'''Jets''': What are we, a charity--fine, we'll have someone look at you.\\
'''Jets' Doctor''': Kelechi! How are ya, chum?\\
'''Kelechi''': I'm...okay?\\
'''Jets' Doctor''': Open wide!\\
'''Kelechi''': Ahhhhhh--\\
'''Jets' Doctor''': He's fine! Good to play football!\\
'''Kelechi''': What--you didn't even look!\\
'''Jets' Doctor''': Hey, buddy, they don't pay me to be thorough; they pay me to get results!\\
'''Jets''': Exactly. [[BlatantLies You're okay]]. Get your ass back on the field.\\
'''Kelechi''': [[SurroundedByIdiots You guys are idiots]].
** Then at around halftime, the drama continues to [[StandardSnippet "In the Hall of the Mountain King"]]...
--->'''Kelechi''': I went to an indepenent doctor for a second opinion. They said there's a serious issue and I need surgery.\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ETS IN ESCALATING FEUD WITH-] K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE OVER SHOULDER SURGERY-]'''\\
'''Jets''': What did we tell you about going outside the organization?\\
'''Kelechi''': You told me nothing! They've examined me and say that there's an issue!\\
'''Jets''': [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Are you fucking kidding]]--\\
'''Kelechi''': No, of course not!\\
'''Jets''': We had our doctors give you an intensive physical and say that everything was fine.\\
'''Kelechi''': You call ''that'' an examination?! [[EpicFail You sent blank MRIs to the doctors!]]\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ETS SENT DOCTORS-] MRI[-S OF-] K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE'S SHOULDER, [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer BUT THEY WERE BLANK]]-]'''\\
'''Jets''': Yeah, well, mistakes happen. You can deal with it or be fined for every week you miss.\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ETS FINE-] K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE FOR NOT PRACTICING THROUGH TORN LABRUM, REPORT SAYS-]'''\\
'''Kelechi''': WHAT?!\\
'''Jets''': You heard what I said! You don't have a problem! Now if you don't get back on the field, you're not getting paid!\\
'''Kelechi''': [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe This is ridiculous]]...\\
'''Jets''': Okay, fine, we'll [[YouKeepUsingThatWord compromise]]...\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ETS INJURY REPORT:-] CJ M[-OSLEY,-] K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE OFFICIALLY DOUBTFUL FOR SUNDAY VS.-] E[-AGLES-]'''\\
'''Jets''': ...we'll put you as "doubtful" for next week's game.\\
'''Kelechi''': "Doubtful"?! I'm getting surgery on it soon!\\
'''Jets''': That's an unexcused absense.\\
'''Headline''': '''S[-OURCE:-] K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE'S TRIP FOR SURGERY IS UNEXCUSED ABSENCE-]'''\\
'''Kelechi''': Seriously?!\\
'''Jets''': [[BackAlleyDoctor Our doctors]] [[ADegreeInUseless graduated from Long Island Community College]]; they're the best we can get. If ''they'' think you're fine, you're fine.\\
'''Headline''': '''K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE TO HAVE SEASON-ENDING SURGERY DESPITE-] J[-ETS' DOUBTS-]'''\\
'''Kelechi''': [[GivingUpOnLogic Fuck this]]!\\
'''Jets''': [[SkewedPriorities THAT'S A FINE]].
** And it closes out the video on the aftermath of said surgery...
--->'''Jets''': So, Kelechi, have you learned your lesson about being too paranoid?\\
'''Kelechi''': [[TranquilFury I need to talk to you]].\\
'''Jets''': You got the damn surgery, didn't you...you went over the team!\\
'''Independent Doctor''': The operation was a complete success, but the damage to his shoulder was far more severe than we first anticipated.\\
'''Jets''': Sounds like bullshit, but go on.\\
'''Independent Doctor''': Any more football done to it and his career may have been jeopardized. You sure you thought he was okay?\\
'''Jets''': Look, we have ''real'' players to deal with here. We have a team that's terrible and [[https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/sam-darnold-explains-his-seeing-ghosts-revelation-during-jets-loss-to-patriots/ a quarterback that sees the dead.]] God forbid we make a [[UnderStatement minor clerical error]]!\\
'''Independent Doctor''': [--..."minor clerical error"?--]\\
'''Headline''': '''K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE,-] NFLPA [-MAY TAKE "ACTION" AGAINST-] J[-ETS' TEAM DOCTOR AFTER SURGERY-]'''\\
'''Kelechi''': I'm gonna take this to the NFLPA. [[NiceJobFixingItVillain Your negligence has given me a nice case against your bullshit]]--\\
'''Jets''': Alright! That's it! [[BlatantLies We've been more than reasonable]] in catering to your whining and entitlement! You're finished here, Kelechi!\\
'''Headline''': '''J[-ETS CUT-] K[-ELECHI-] O[-SEMELE AFTER DISPUTE OVER WHETHER HE NEEDED SHOULDER SURGERY-]'''\\
'''Jets''': Get out of this office!

!![[AC:NFL Week Thirteen (2019)]]
* A game between the 4-7 Buccaneers and 4-7 Jaguars is introduced as [[OnlyInFlorida "Florida Man: The Game".]]
* A moment in college football's Egg Bowl[[note]]The rivalry between the Ole Miss Rebels and the Mississippi State Bulldogs.[[/note]] causes Tree to bring back the Lolcow of the Week.
-->'''UT''': Elijah Moore of Ole Miss, a lesson that you keep yourself disciplined when the game is on the line. In the Egg Bowl, bragging rights are paramount. On the road, Ole Miss is down by seven, but look at them go down the field. Elijah Moore is the hero as ''[he scores a touchdown, and celebrates by imitating an urinating dog]'' -- wait, no, Elijah, NOOOO!!!\\
''[a ScareChord and referee whistle blow as a yellow flag flies on screen]''\\
'''UT''': He became a fucking idiot. His selfish antics resulted in a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Wouldn't you know it, those penalty yards result in the kicker missing the extra point. Mississippi State wins the game. Elijah congratulations. Your celebration cost your team everything and may have gotten your coach fired. If there's justice, his scholarship will be ripped up and peed on. Preferably in front of his family. Hey I'm a vindictive asshole, you should expect it by now.

!![[AC:NFL Week Sixteen (2019)]]
* This week's edition of "SUPER TANK BOWL II" -- so long it got its own video -- was between the 1-13 Bengals, who would clinch the season's worst record and #1 pick in next year's draft with a loss, and 3-11 Dolphins, whose management had openly given up on competing the entire season. The Dolphins hold a 35-12 lead early in the fourth quarter before, in UT's words, Bengals quarterback "Andy Dalton was given the arm of Zeus" and led the Bengals to three touchdown drives plus two 2-pt conversions to tie the game at the end of regulation. Overtime begins with both teams unable to score on each of their first two possessions, and with only a few minutes left UT hypes himself up on the prospect of the game between two terrible teams ending in what he considers a fitting tie...until the Dolphins put together a drive that gets them into field goal range. UT can do naught but lose his shit in his narration as he sees it all unfold.
-->'''UT''': Miami just has to...Dolphins, no, ''no''! Stop! STOP! Don't ruin this beautiful moment for us -- I swear to God if you ''[RecordNeedleScratch as Dolphins win on field goal as time expires]'' '''GOD ''FUCKING'' DAMMIT!''' YOU'VE RUINED THE GREATEST OUTCOME POSSIBLE! You guys can't even tank right -- you've ruined it, ''you've ruined it all!''

!![[AC:NFL Week Seventeen (2019)]]
* KTO makes a guest appearance to describe his beloved Browns:
-->'''KTO''': Y'know what, I'm an optimistic fan. I think the state of Ohio is gonna see some good football in the coming years. Even though the season ended on a disappointing note, I thought they fought hard- Oh wait, [[BaitAndSwitch I thought you wanted me to talk about Ohio State]]. The Battle of Ohio? The only thing this shit show of a game ever tells us is who is closer to being fired. This time, Cleveland received the honor. We finally got rid of Freddie Kitchens! ''[a headline appears]''\\
'''Caption''': '''P[-ITTSBURGH SURPRISINGLY DIDN'T START THIS-]'''\\
'''KTO''': Now we can get a real head coach as long as Dorsey doesn't hire another- ''[breaking glass, a headline of GM John Dorsey getting fired after only two seasons]'' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Wait, Dorsey's gone too]]? What the [[PrecisionFStrike fuck]]! Dammit John, why'd you have to be an egotistical prick? Fuck you, Jimmy Haslam, sell the goddamn team!\\
'''Caption''': '''L[-AUGHS IN-] F[-LYING-] J'''
* When going over the 8-7 Titans, especially since the Steelers and Raiders both failed to win their games and got eliminated as a result:
-->'''UT''': I'll skip the whole hoopla and buzz, the Titans have made the playoffs by default with the Raiders' and Steelers' losses.\\
'''T[-ENNESSEE-] T[-ITANS: PLAYOFF BOUND!-]''' ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': That's fine, no one cares. Houston doesn't either. They're resting key starters for this matchup, bringing us a union of Sportsball and A. J. [=McCarron=]. It wasn't much of a relationship before, and it shows here. Tennessee had some things to play for, and did just that. Derrick Henry was his usual wrecking ball self. Tannehill laughs at Miami while he revives his career. It is enough to win the true prize for these hardened warriors:\\
'''T[-ENNESSEE-] T[-ITANS: 9-7!-]''' ''[a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]''\\
'''UT''': It is the reward that keeps on giving: [[TheThreeCertaintiesInLife death, taxes and the Titans going 9-7]], all constants of life as of late.[[note]]2019 marked the fourth season in a row the Titans finished the regular season with that record.[[/note]] It's more reliable than time itself. I'm that confident!
* All the Cowboys needed to (unimpressively) win the weak NFC East division was to beat the Redskins and have the Eagles lose to the Giants. The Cowboys did win as they were supposed to do, but...
-->'''UT''': So the Eagles won, eh? ''[starts to crack up]'' You know what your punishment is for '''colossal failure'''?\\
'''D[-ALLAS-] C[-OWBOYS: ELIMINATED!-]''' ''[a StockScream can be heard over black spit being thrown on the team logo, as UT laughs hysterically over the whole thing and he can also be heard mockingly letting out a "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!" in the background]''\\
[[/folder]]

[[folder:2020 NFL Season]]
!![[AC:NFL Week One (2020)]]
* New season, new intro for Sportsball - Tree eschews the NFL on FOX theme for the Monday Night Football theme with the highlights being a multitude of fumbles, dropped passes, Andy Reid's gigantic face shield, Cincinnati's kicker pulling his hamstring missing a game-winner, and the cherry on top is Kevin Harlan's gleeful cry of "I'M CALLING BOTH GAMES" from the last regular season week of the 2019 season as Miami beat New England.
* BROWNS FOOTBALL!
* To contribute to the segment on the Steelers-Giants game, Tree calls on "a Yinzer" to give commentary backed by a rendition of the "Pennsylvania Polka".
* The original upload of Sportsball Week 1 got temporarily pulled for "inappropriate content"[[note]]As it turned out, it was a false positive by the site's bots[[/note]] - Tree responded by reuploading the video with random censor bleeps and massive amounts of biting-the-hand humor!
* The injury roll at the end of the week changes as well - BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS! INJURIES FOR THE INJURY GODS!

!![[AC:NFL Week Two (2020)]]
* With injuries piling up already, Tree used 49ers vs. Jets to debut the Injury Bowl, where the theme involved "Roundball Rock" punctuated with bones crunching and stock screams. The footage used included [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixMVuOslebI a golf cart running over a group of reporters during a Texas high school championship game]] and an ambulance running into a group of players in ''[[VideoGame/MaddenNFL Madden 92]]''. It ended with the two team logos collapsing with an ambulance in the background as [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]] plays.
* Steelers vs. Broncos:
** As a concession to the Steelers' victory over the Broncos, Tree magnanimously allows noted Broncos fan Brandon Perna from That's Good Sports to recap the game instead. Perna does the recap from his own channel's set, with the TGS logo on the TV replaced with a graphic stating [[BlatantLies "I'm Totally Not Bitter."]]
** Much like the previous week, Tree then sought the input from the thickly-accented Yinzer, who was giving his take on the game before stating that [[BreadEggsMilkSquick he shot his neighbor's police horse as punishment for the game's referees]].
--->'''UT''': D-did you just commit a felony?
* For Falcons vs. Cowboys, when the former had 19-point lead at the first half and UT just trashed new Cowboys coach Mike [=McCarthy=]'s capabilities:
-->'''UT''': Even then, it's not like Atlanta doesn't have a reputation for choking and Mike [=McCarthy=] gets carried by elite talent whenever he fucks up royally as a coach... ''[ominous stinger]'' [[EveryYearTheyFizzleOut but they do]]. Don't tell me this is going to happen, is it? Dan Quinn, the defensive genius is going back into his comfortable staple of Soft Zone as Dallas is predictably picking it apart. Atlanta, the team that still thinks [[NeverLiveItDown/SuperBowl twenty-eight to three was a bad dream]], the team that runs everything like a fucking mom-and-pop instead of a sports franchise.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Dak Prescott makes a touchdown pass]'' '''L[-EADING BY FIFTEEN WITH FIVE MINUTES LEFT IN THE GAME-]'''\\
'''UT''': Guess what? The team that fumbled four times in one quarter is coming back on them! You wonder ''why'' they keep getting by the big boys in business and in life? It's because of bullshit like this! 'Now Tree,' you say, 'you're being too harsh. [[TemptingFate Atlanta won't blow this onside kick]].' ''[with less than two minutes remaining and only behind 37-39, Dallas made their onside kick and no Atlanta player made a dive for it, making it a successful attempt by Dallas, musical stinger as [[VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehogSpinball Robotnik's laughter is heard]]]'' Oh my gentle Jesus just [[SuddenlyShouting FOLLOW THE FUCKING BALL, YOU USELESS LITTLE SHITS]]! Oh god. ''[the win probability chart appears, [[EpicFail with Atlanta having a 99.9% chance of winning with three minutes remaining]]]'' The Falcons blew another big lead. The Falcons choked again! ''[UT laughs as a literal dumpster fire and SarcasticClapping appears, Mr. Kincade from the WesternAnimation/SouthPark episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!", the Cowboys score the game-winning field goal as the game ends]'' Good work, Atlanta, for this failure leads you to being our Lolcow of the Week! This team is a fucking joke!\\
'''Caption''': ''[below a headline stating Quinn says that the Falcons know the onside kick rules]'' '''I [-CALL BULLSHIT FOR $500, -] A[-LEX-]'''\\
'''UT''': How the fuck is Dan Quinn still here? Dude's been choking more than Mia Khalifa and he somehow still has a job! You know what?\\
'''Caption''': ''[accompanying the headline where Arthur Blank contradicted Dan Quinn]'' '''E[-VEN THE TEAM OWNER IS CALLING BULLSHIT,-] D[-AN-]'''\\
'''UT''': [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech Delete the franchise! Seriously, delete your fucking franchise! You've made the same fuckups year after year and you've learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I don't know how I'd even look at my family if I kept failing like this! You're all colossal wastes of life!]] ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]'' [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech All of you! Commit seppuku!]] ''[Series/DrPhil says "You had an opportunity, and you blew it."]''
* When the Chargers screw up their starting quarterback’s health (and possibly his career), Tree brings out an old favorite catchphrase of his:
-->'''UT''': So Tyrod didn’t get a reaction, but the team doctor botched a routine injection?\\
'''Headline''': '''R[-EPORT:-] C[-HARGERS TEAM DOCTOR ACCIDENTALLY PUNCTURED-] T[-YROD-] T[-AYLOR’S LUNG ON-] S[-UNDAY-]'''\\
'''UT''': Ha, fuck you Spanos.
* The fact that there were so many injuries over the week’s slate of NFL games that Tree’s usual background music (“Taps”) was ''too short''. And counted among the injuries were a power outage in Miami that interrupted the CBS broadcast of the Bills-Dolphins game, and the 49ers MRI truck breaking down.

!![[AC:NFL Week Three (2020)]]
* The Atlanta Falcons blow ''another'' double digit lead---this time, a 26-10 lead to the Chicago Bears, who also changed quarterbacks in the second half, using Nick Foles in place of Mitch Trubisky. Understandably, Tree went ballistic in another TheReasonYouSuckSpeech.
--->'''UT''': ''[with the dumpster fire being superimposed over the Bears' game-winning touchdown]'' You know, I wanted you dead when you blew ''one'' 15-point lead in the 4th quarter, but to shit the bed in such a fashion '''[[SuddenlyShouting IN CONSECUTIVE WEEKS?!]]''' ''[Mr. Kincade from the WesternAnimation/SouthPark episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!"; explosion sound as the superimposition was changed into the Georgia Dome being imploded]'' What in the literal ''fuck?!'' '''''WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, MARINE?!''''' Do you have a fetish for getting shit on or something? [[https://www.hotnewhiphop.com/odell-beckham-jr-jokes-about-his-alleged-poop-fetish-news.117447.html You trying to make OBJ into a prude]]? [''as yet another chart showing the Falcons' >99% chance of winning in the dying minutes appears''] Another game with an over 99% chance on winning AND YOU CHOKE ON THE AIR AGAIN?! The Falcons wanna make the same fuck-ups in the 4th quarter, well, they can be our Lolcow of the Week again! Every week this shit keeps going on is a failure on Arthur Blank! His refusal to make necessary changes when they need to be makes him look weak and afraid of change! And guess what happens when you don't change? The league eats you for fucking breakfast! Dan Quinn should've been fired last year! Dimitroff should've been fired years earlier!\\
'''Caption''': ''[a headline saying Dan Quinn is focused on 'finishing better' rather than his job status]'' '''M[-ORE CLICHES...-]'''\\
'''UT''': You can't just fire random assistants and pretend shit's gonna change! Period! You've earned these epic chokes! Stop wasting all your talent and let them go to teams that give a shit already! ''[[[VideoGame/FarCry3 Vaas saying "Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?"]], followed by a clip saying "You blew it! Goodnight!"]''
* Rams vs. Bills had the latter taking a substantial lead late in the game when:
--->'''UT''': Buffalo isn't even making this into a contest, as they posted a twenty-eight to- [[DoubleTake twenty-eight to three]]? Oh my god, OH MY GOD! The fools have no idea what they've done! I have to warn them! ''[phone dials, some indecipherable chatter is heard on the other side of the line as the Rams begin to rally]'' Is this the Pentagon? Get me the President! No, I don't care if I have clearance or not, the Buffalo Bills have walked right into a trap! Don't ask me how I got this number, I don't know, either! Just send the message to the Bills! They need to know before it's too late!... Yes, I'll have a stuffed crust pizza with extra pepperoni...and breadsticks, too. Yes, yes, I'll clean up my room. I love you too, mom. [''phone disconnects as the Rams are now only behind 25-28 and on the verge of scoring a touchdown''] Goddammit, I couldn't get the message to them! Now the Bills have pissed away a 25-point lead ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]'' and have to come back in a game they should have easily won.[[note]]Unlike Super Bowl 51, the Bills would go on to win the game 35-32 due to the Rams getting flagged for a questionable pass interference call, and the Bills scoring the game winning TD with seconds to play.[[/note]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Days of Our Steelers - 2018 Season]]
The drama on and off the field involving the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2018-19 became so all-engulfing that Tree decided to spin off "Days of Our Steelers" from "This Week in Sportsball". Fans of the other 31 NFL teams got a lot of laughs out of the results...

!![[AC:Episode Nine: A High-Speed Poaching]]
* Tree compares the Carolina Panthers' heading into Pittsburgh to take on the Steelers to [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Homer skateboarding over Springfield Gorge]] in "Bart the Daredevil", [[HopeSpot thinking they've got a chance at winning]] after quickly jumping out to a 7-0 lead... before [[CurbStompBattle being blown out 52-21 by the Steelers]].

!![[AC:Episode Twelve: Rivers of Woe]]
* This episode comes hot on the heels of the Steelers losing to the Broncos in Week 12 and looking for redemption at home to the Chargers, and they seem well-placed with a 23-7 lead at half time.[[note]]The Chargers' touchdown drew Steelers fan ire for resulting from a false start that was overlooked by the officials.[[/note]]
** The first signs of trouble occur near the end of the third quarter when the Steelers get in their own way in multiple senses of the phrase as Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers tries to pass to wide receiver Keenan Allen in the end zone:
--->'''UT''': ''["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice]'' Fortunately, the Chargers offence has done nothing against the Steel Curtain all game. The running game is stuffed. The passing lanes are blocked. And Philip Rivers is taking such a beating that he may have a tenth child on the field. ''[Rivers lines up a pass to Allen, but Steelers cornerback Joe Haden is directly in the path of the pass...]'' An easy intercep- ''[... only for free safety Sean Davis to collide with him, knocking him to the ground and allowing Allen to grab the ball for a touchdown]'' ''[breaking character]'' Huh! That's funny! I could have sworn we cut Mike Mitchell in the ''spring!''\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the collision]'' '''H[-EAD-HUNTING: NOT EVEN ONCE-]'''\\
'''UT''': That was an easy fucking interception and one of our ''high draft picks'' comes in with a hit stick and kills our best corner! Now we have to deal with Artie Burns sucking dicks again! ''[Burns completely fails to block Rivers' pass to tight end Antonio Gates for a 2-point conversion]'' Fucking lovely!
** The Chargers score two more touchdowns (with a total of three extra points) as Steelers fans begin attacking Chargers fans and each other in the stands before another Steelers touchdown ties it at 30 with four minutes left. Then... well, let's just say Tree breaks character for the rest of the video:
--->'''UT''': ''["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice]'' All the defence has to do is make a stop with four minutes left. To no-one's surprise, they can't accomplish this goal. ''[Rivers passes through a huge gap in the Steelers' defence to Allen for a 12-yard gain]''\\
'''Caption''': '''B[-ECAUSE-] Z[-ONE-] D [-HAS WORKED SO WELL FOR THIS TEAM IN THESE SITUATIONS...-]'''\\
'''UT''': Slowly chipping away at the field, the Steeler faithful panics at what could be their fate. Their overconfidence would be shattered. Pants shitting increases twentyfold as they reach field goal range. It will take a miracle for this to continue.\\
''[Chargers kicker Michael Badgley lines up a 39-yard field goal attempt, which goes wide left]''\\
'''UT''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' ''[breaks character]'' [-YES! THEY STILL SUCK! FUCK YOU SPANOS, YOUR KICKER IS- -] ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur a 5-yard penalty for defensive offside]'' [-'''''[[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUUUCK!]]''''' GODDAMN IT, HADEN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS! Now they can kick again!-]\\
'''Caption''': '''"B[-UT HE WASN'T OFFSIDES"-] ~S[-TEELERS FANS-]'''\\
''[Badgley lines up a 34-yard field goal attempt, which is blocked by Steelers cornerback Artie Burns... who is well over the line of scrimmage when the play begins]'' ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur ''another'' 5-yard penalty for defensive offside]''\\
'''UT''': That was so goddamn obvious it's like they're deliberately ''trying'' to cheese the system. Just take them to the goal line at this rate. Good ''God''.\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the offside]'' '''T[-HEY'RE TRYING TO FORCE A GAME GLITCH. I'VE SEEN THIS TOO MANY TIMES.-]'''\\
''[Badgley lines up a 29-yard field goal attempt, and makes no mistake this time despite another defensive offside by the Steelers. Final score: Chargers 33, Steelers 30]''\\
'''UT''': ''[sarcastically]'' And, of course, they make it. ''[whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen]'' I'm more amazed at Artie Burns. The dude was so offsides he ''missed the kick.''\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the field goal as Burns throws himself onto the ground in front of Badgley before he even gets the ball]'' '''H[-OW TO FAIL AT IMITATING-] "I[-N THE-] L[-INE OF-] F[-IRE"-]'''\\
'''UT''': You can't cover a geriatric tight end yet ''blaze'' past the holder!? GOD, you fucking suck!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of Burns failing utterly to stop Rivers passing to Gates for a 2-point conversion]'' '''F[-IRST ROUND PICK-]'''
** Cue another TheReasonYouSuckSpeech from Tree to the Steelers organisation:
--->'''UT''': All I wanted to do was laugh at the Chargers and Spanos for roughly the seventy-third time, but ''nope!'' You guys had to ''fuck it all up!'' The Steelers had a statement win in the palm of their hands and they let it slip away! I know everyone's going to blame the refs, or the long snapper, or the Patriots, or the wind blowing in from the river, but here's reality: great teams finish off their prey, no matter the circumstances! A 16-point lead with the ball at half should have been Game Over. They ''fucking'' blew it. ''[a tweet from ESPN's Twitter account observes that the loss set a record for biggest blown lead by the Steelers at home]'' It's not hard to admit. At the end of the day, that uncalled false start doesn't matter. The refs didn't cause Sean [[MaliciousMisnaming Mitchell]] to level a guy with an easy interception. The refs didn't cause the defence to fail miserably to make any kind of stop. The refs didn't stop the Steelers offence from making ''any'' kind of progress in the second half.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Ben Roethlisberger is sacked for a 10-yard loss while trying to line up a pass]'' '''BRB [-NEED TO ATTEMPT FIFTY MORE PASSES-]'''\\
'''UT''': The refs didn't force the Steelers to cover the best wide receiver on the other team with ''fucking linebackers'' all game! ''[a tweet from Warren Sharp points out that such tactical blunders are why "the Steelers get owned by the Patriots"]'' Jesus, even Shazier wouldn't have been able to cover Keenan Allen, how the hell do you expect Jon Bostic to!? I'm not pissed that they lost, I'm pissed at the ''way'' they lost. ''[cut to Mike Tomlin holding a press conference]'' Did you see what the Chargers did, Tomlin?!\\
'''Caption''': '''C[-ALL MORE UNNECESSARY CHALLENGES YOU'LL LOSE,-] M[-IKE-]'''\\
'''UT''': It's called "adjusting to your gameplan". You got horribly outcoached by a second-year guy missing his best running back, defensive tackle, and middle linebacker! And you know they aren't going to learn a ''damn'' thing from this! They're just going to blame the refs for their loss and call it a day.\\
'''Caption''': '''"B[-UT MUH BLOCK IN THE BACK"-] ~S[-TEELERS FANS-]'''\\
'''UT''': But while you do that, not only is a first round bye all but out of the question, guess who's snuck behind you again? ''[footage of the Ravens' Week 12 and 13 wins against the Raiders and Falcons, respectively]'' Baltimore. They're a half game back now. You're back in the muck, Steelers. Try thinking you're above everything some more, it's worked ''so'' well for you in the past. [[TemptingFate If they lose to Oakland next week]] I'm going to break some necks. ''[the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears over another replay of the winning field goal]'' It's not like we're dealing with injuries.\\
'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' '''J[-AMES-] C[-ONNER INJURY UPDATE:-] S[-TEELERS-] RB [-(ANKLE) RULED OUT VS.-] R[-AIDERS-]\\
'''R[-OOKIE-] RB J[-AYLEN-] S[-AMUELS EXPECTS TO START AGAINST-] R[-AIDERS-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh boy, now we're starting a converted tight end at running back. Fucking wonderful.

!![[AC:Episode Thirteen: A Tomlin Tradition]]
* "If they lose to Oakland next week I'm going to break some necks," as Tree said after the Chargers' victory at Heinz Field. The metaphorical neck-breaking is as funny as it is merciless.
** With the Ravens, Texans, and Patriots respectively losing to the Chiefs, Colts, and Dolphins, the stage appears to be set for the Steelers moving toward a first round bye with an easy win over the 2-10 Raiders, but they haven't won in Oakland since 1995, and have a tenuous 14-10 lead entering the fourth quarter. As Tree declares "The Steelers are once again playing down to their competition," a caption appears reading '''[[DrinkingGame "T]][-[[DrinkingGame HERE NEEDS TO BE A DRINKING METER EVERY TIME I SAY THAT PHRASE"]]-]'''.
** Ben Roethlisberger spends most of the second half on the sidelines with a vaguely described rib injury, only returning to the field after the Raiders take a 17-14 lead with 5:20 left.
--->'''UT''': ''[out of character, sarcastically]'' Aren't you guys just ''so'' proud? ''[as Raiders quarterback Derek Carr makes a 3-yard touchdown pass to tight end Lee Smith]'' Look at this fucking defence ''bend!''\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-HEY SHOULD DO MORE TEAM CELEBRATIONS FOR UNFORCED TURNOVERS-]'''[[note]]A poke at the Steelers doing exactly that near the end of the third quarter.[[/note]]\\
'''UT''': Look at them give up insatiable yardage to a team with rookie tackles, faded skill players, and the shattered dreams of what was once a quarterback! They burned ''eight fucking minutes'' on a touchdown drive!\\
'''Caption''': '''"U[-NDERRATED DEFENSE"-]'''\\
'''UT''': You couldn't stop ''this'' fucking outfit, are you ''shitting'' me?!\\
'''Headline''': '''R[-EASON FOR LENGTH OF-] R[-OETHLISBERGER ABSENCE STILL NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR-]'''\\
'''UT''': Oh, so ''now'' we see Captain Fat Fuck come into the game! When everything is falling to shit so talent can bail us out again! ''[in character as Roethlisberger passes to [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster for a touchdown, giving the Steelers a 21-17 lead]'' They do. Beautiful talent as far as the eye can see. Even the defence is ''[breaks character]'' doing fucking nothing. They're straight up putting a ''boot'' up their asses. You're seriously trying to tell me that this team was ''prepared!?'' They haven't learned a fucking ''thing!''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Carr passes to wide receiver Seth Roberts for a 39-yard gain]'' '''A[-T LEAST HE'S NOT COVERED BY A LINEBACKER?-]'''\\
'''UT''': I don't think Oakland's going to win, but ''Jesus fuck'', this is horrible!\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-WO PLAYS. 1:25 OFF THE CLOCK.-] N[-O TIMEOUTS USED.-] P[-EAK TOMLIN.-]'''\\
'''UT''': By the way, can someone ''please'' explain to me how Mike Tomlin still can't manage a game clock!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[after an incomplete pass from Carr to tight end Jared Cook]'' '''T[-IMEOUT USED AFTER INCOMPLETION.-] I[-NEXCUSABLE.-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[as Carr passes to tight end Derek Carrier for a touchdown to give the Raiders a 24-21 lead with 21 seconds left, accompanied by a musical sting]'' Jesus Christ, it's going to happen. The Steelers losing a football game to a glorified college team.\\
'''Caption''': '''T[-HEY'RE BEING BEATEN BY PLAYERS AUTO-GENERATED IN-] M[-ADDEN.-] C[-HRIST.-]'''\\
'''UT''': Did they not realise that the Raiders weren't just going to fucking lie down and ''die?!'' But wait - here comes the high end talent!\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Roethlisberger passes to James Washington, who laterals to Smith-Schuster, who is run out of bounds in field goal range]'' '''A [-RANDOM BIG PLAY OUT OF THEIR ASS.-] P[-REDICTABLE AS HELL.-]'''\\
'''WesternAnimation/MightyMouse''': ''[singing]'' Here I come to save the dayyyy!\\
'''UT''': It's going to mask all of their worthless failure in this game and everyone's going to ignore the glaring issues. Just pull off the bullshit already.\\
''[Steelers kicker Chris Boswell lines up a 40-yard field goal attempt, but falls over with a comedy sound effect as the Raiders easily block the kick. Final score: Steelers 21, Raiders 24]''\\
'''Film/BillyMadison''': YOU BLEW IT!!!\\
'''UT''': [[TranquilFury Are you fucking kidding me.]] All that flash and trickery to lose like ''that?'' What the hell happened to Boswell? The dude was fucking automatic last year and now he's treating the field like a water slide!\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a replay of the missed kick]'' '''S[-ADLY, HE WILL PROBABLY BE THE ONLY ONE PUNISHED FOR THIS LOSS-]'''\\
''[as Boswell gives a locker room press conference]'' '''N[-OT SAYING IT ISN'T DESERVED, THOUGH-]'''\\
'''UT''': Are you sure it wasn't just Switzer with the cleat fuckup? Fucking hell, this team is a joke!
** And so the stage is set for a blistering TheReasonYouSuckSpeech...
--->'''UT''': I can't honestly be shocked or surprised as most of you are. There was a part of my mind thinking that they were going to fuck this up, and ''by God'' they did. The Steelers pull this shit ''every goddamn year''. It's hard to be angry when it's a tradition dating back to the days of Cowher! Even then, the bar's lower than ever. You guys lost to the ''Raiders''. This team has been openly punting the season since August and outright ''dominated'' in most games they've played! You were defeated by the NFL equivalent of [[TakeThat Rutgers!]] A golden opportunity completely ''fucking'' squandered because the team chose to be cocky and arrogant like they always are! ''[footage of Mike Tomlin holding a post-game press conference]'' Twelve years, Tomlin.\\
'''Caption''': '''I[-T'S OBVIOUSLY FIXED WITH CLICHES, [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment OBVIOUSLY]]-]'''\\
'''UT''': Twelve years in this league as a coach and you ''still'' don't know how to manage a fucking game clock! Why didn't you call your last timeout? Why didn't you try ''anything'' different offensively? Why the ''fuck'' can't the defence cover a tight end if their lives depended on it!? What are they going to do against Gronk? Put Vance [=McDonald=] in cover?! Why in the living hell was one of your best offensive weapons on the goddamn ''sideline'' while the offence was struggling!?\\
'''Mike Tomlin''': ... you know, he... got looked at half time, he got... treatment, he came back out, um... we were waitin' to see if he was gonna be able to come back in, he was... um... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...\\
'''Caption''': '''B[-ENEDICT-] T[-OMLIN HANDING OVER-] W[-EST-] P[-OINT TO THE-] B[-RITISH, 2018-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' Okay, Tomlin. I'm going to pretend that I did ''not'' hear that, because I could have sworn you just indicted yourself for utter incompetence! So please, let me clear my ears. Explain yourself, Mike.\\
'''Tomlin''': ... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...\\
'''Headline''': '''M[-IKE-] T[-OMLIN SUGGESTS-] B[-EN-] R[-OETHLISBERGER COULD HAVE RETURNED SOONER THAN HE DID-]'''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as a tweet from Ray Fittipaldo appears asking what "rhythm and flow" even means]'' '''J[-UST SOAK THOSE COMMENTS IN...-]'''\\
'''UT''': You have got to be ''fucking'' shitting me. '''What the FUCK kind of reasoning is that!?''' "Rhythm and flow", WHAT GODDAMN FLOW?! I saw a lot of "terrible" and "dogshit" if you can call that a "flow"! That offence had about as much rhythm as a Yinzer after fifteen I.C. Lights! This shit is grounds for being fired!\\
'''Caption''': '''M[-Y BOWELS HAVE MORE FLOW.-]'''\\
'''UT''': I expect this sort of ineptitude from ''[[TakeThat Hue Jackson]]'', that's how bad this looks. ''[over more footage of Tomlin talking to the press]'' Look at this guy, firing off every cliché in the book about "fundamentals" and "the standard being the standard" and "not living in our fears" because we're going to jump off this ledge into a pile of spikes! This shit all adds up. The overconfidence in your schemes, the way the players are acting, the way ''everyone'' dismissed Oakland as inferior on the team! You looked past your opponent again, didn't you. '''Did you learn ANYTHING from Jacksonville?! How much of a cheerleader are you!?''' At this point you're [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muhammad_Saeed_al-Sahhaf Baghdad Bob]] pretending everything is fine as there's drama coming out of this organisation '''every fucking week!'''\\
'''Caption''': '''"W[-E'RE GOING TO LOOK AT THE TAPE OF THE IMPLOSION. ALSO THE STANDARD IS THE STANDARD."-]'''\\
'''UT''': How the FUCK don't you know if a player has the right fucking cleats before the game!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[over an interview with Ryan Switzer, the player who had the wrong cleats]'' '''T[-HIS UNPREPARED AT A PROFESSIONAL LEVEL?-]'''\\
'''UT''': It's a lack of focus to detail, just like '''every other year!''' Now they get to potentially be in the shit with New England and New Orleans coming up! High end talent can't bail you out forever, Mike! Just ask [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_McCarthy_(American_football) the other Mike]] from Green Bay how piggybacking off Aaron Rodgers worked out for him! You better be thankful that the Steelers don't fire coaches or else you'd be out on your ass soon! ''["Days of Our Steelers" title appears]'' This team fucking ''sucks!''\\
'''Headline''': ''[fart noise]'' '''M[-IKE-] T[-OMLIN BLAMES-] R[-AIDERS-] X[--RAY MACHINE FOR THE DELAY IN GETTING-] B[-EN-] R[-OETHLISBERGER BACK ON THE FIELD-]'''\\
'''UT''': A fucking X-ray machine!? ''That's'' your fucking excuse?!\\
''[Test Pattern]''

!![[AC:Episode Fourteen: A Patriot's End]]
* "Yinzer Mode" gets a CallBack when the Steelers defeat the Patriots, something they hadn't done since 2011.
-->''[Steelers are leading, 17-10. Tom Brady throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 15, Steelers take over on downs. "Hallelujah" starts playing in the background]''\\
'''UT''': ''[gradually more excited]'' Oh my God... they beat New England. They beat New England. They beat the Patriots. Holy shit, they did it! They beat New England! They beat New England! They did it! They fucking beat New England! They did it!\\
''[Steelers QB takes a knee, Steelers win]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off]'' '''YINZER MODE ACTIVATED'''\\
'''UT''': [-THEY DID IT! THEY BEAT NEW ENGLAND! YEEEEAAAAAH!! OH MY GOD THEY DID IT, THEY BEAT FUCKING NEW ENGLAND! THEY TOOK OUT THOSE FUCKING PATRIOTS! YEEEEEAAAH!!-]
* Throughout the rest of the video, Tree can be heard screaming in the background of his own narration.

!![[AC:Episode Fifteen: Burning in the Bayou]]
* The Steelers and their fanbase don't have much time to enjoy their win against New England. With the Ravens and Titans winning and the Colts coming back against "the Derp", the Steelers will only remain in control of their own destiny with a win in the Superdome. [=SeatGeek=], the sometime sponsors of Tree's videos, even send him to the game in person. The footage recorded live on his phone is captioned "'''Y[-INZERVISION 5.7-]'''". True to form, the game features ridiculous calls by the referees, which does not go uncommented on by either Live Tree or Recording Tree...
-->''[with the Saints on a fourth down, Drew Brees tries a deep pass to Alvin Kamara in the end zone, but the pass is incomplete...]''\\
'''UT''': As Boswell proceeds to make another field goal, the battle continues with ''[... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as the Steelers' Joe Haden is slapped with a pass interference penalty]'' some of the most ''heinous fucking refball'' I've ever seen. How in God's name is ''that'' pass interference!?\\
'''Caption''': '''I[-T HAS TO BE THE ANGLE FROM WHICH THE REF WAS LOOKING.-] C[-OVERAGE MUST'VE LOOKED MORE AGGRESSIVE FROM THERE.-]'''\\
'''UT''': And on a 4th and 1!? You trying to make the yinzers justified in their bitching?!\\
'''UT''': ''[live in the Superdome]'' ... I think we can call that refball.\\
'''UT''': ''[narrating]'' My point exactly.
* With the Steelers holding a slender 28-24 lead with four minutes left in the fourth quarter and on a fourth down, they try a fake punt, only for the gamble to backfire - not that they seem to notice...
-->'''UT''': Every yinzer and fleur-de-lis donner is clenching their anuses at what could be their team's fate. As New Orleans finally slows down the offensive train, they punt the ball back.\\
'''Caption''': '''R[-UNNING WITH ROSIE NIX.-] O[-KAY.-]'''\\
''[the punt formation is a fakeout, and Nix tries to run the ball, but is tackled one yard short of a first down; however, the Steelers start celebrating anyway]''\\
'''UT''': Or they trust the fullback to get five yards... and decided to imitate the Titans.\\
'''Caption''': '''F[-UCKING-] LOL [-THEY'RE CELEBRATING FAILURE.-]'''
* The Saints drive down the field, but the Steelers defence puts up a fight... only to become their own worst enemies yet again.
-->'''UT''': Now the Saints have the pigskin in prime territory. The defence does its job to force a fourth down. ''Do it'', Steelers. Make this yinzer heart kindle with flame.\\
''[Brees attempts a pass to Michael Thomas, but the Steelers defence tackles him...]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' '''H[-OLY SHIT THEY DID IT-]'''\\
''[... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as Haden incurs another pass interference penalty]''\\
'''Caption''': '''LOL [-NOPE-]'''
* The Saints take a 31-28 lead with 1:25 left, but high-end talent appears poised to bail the Steelers out as Roethlisberger completes a pass to Antonio Brown for a 19-yard gain, followed by a 14-yard gain courtesy of a pass to [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster. But when Roethlisberger passes to Smith-Schuster again, he fumbles the ball, and the Saints recover it and kneel out the clock to seal the win. Live Tree's dejected reaction is captioned '''YINZER MODE: DEACTIVATED'''.

!![[AC:Episode Sixteen: Judgment Day]]
* With the Ravens beating the Browns to claim the AFC North and the Colts beating the Titans to claim the final Wild Card spot, the Steelers have failed to make the postseason for the first time since 2013. Tree spends most of the video giving the entire Steelers organisation a(nother) merciless TheReasonYouSuckSpeech, with particular vitriol directed toward the main characters of "Days of Our Steelers", including 'Captain Fatfuck' Ben Roethlisberger, Le'Veon Bell, 'The Diva' Antonio Brown, and Mike Tomlin. [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster has been spared from his wrath.
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of [=JuJu=] holding his French Bulldog]'' I swear to the holiest of deities, if you fuckers corrupt [=JuJu=] and turn him into an abonimable monster, I will hunt every one of you down and kill you in your sleep!
* And as the video draws to a close, Tree brings the curtain down on another season of wasted opportunity. But someone is waiting in the wings to raise the curtain again...
-->'''UT''': There's only one quote that summarises this team.\\
''[clip of Creator/RobertDeNiro as Lorenzo in ''Film/ABronxTale'' talking to his son, Calogero]''\\
'''Lorenzo''': Remember, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent. You could have all the talent in the world, but if you don't do the right thing, then nothing happens. But when you do right, guess what: good things happen.\\
'''UT''': At the end of the day, that's all this team is. A waste. And it will continue in perpetuity at this rate. ''Nothing'' has shown me that they want to change! With the actions shown, I see nothing but arrogance and the inability to even take a ''shred'' of criticism.\\
'''Caption''': ''[over a screenshot showing that the Steelers blocked Tree on Twitter]'' '''I [-NEVER DIRECTLY TWEETED AT THE-] S[-TEELERS-]'''\\
'''UT''': What they ''can't'' block is that they have no-one to blame but themselves for the predicament they're in. They're becoming more and more of a joke as time passes. And it's going to continue because of stubbornness. ''[the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears]'' See you next year.\\
'''Headline''': ''[[[Film/{{Inception}} "BWONG"]]]'' '''A[-NTONIO-] B[-ROWN REQUESTS TRADE FROM-] S[-TEELERS AS RELATIONSHIP WITH TEAM IS STRAINED, PER REPORT-]'''\\
'''UT''': [-What the hell do you mean "we're not done"!?-]\\
'''Headline''': ''["BWONG"]'' '''A[-NTONIO-] B[-ROWN,-] J[-AMES-] H[-ARRISON TEASE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW MID--]M[-IKE-] T[-OMLIN PRESS CONFERENCE-]'''\\
'''UT''': [-'''WHAT THE FUCK-'''-]\\
''[Test Pattern]''

!![[AC:Episode Seventeen: The Flight of Icarus Brown]]
* As hinted at the end of the previous episode, they're not done; the drama engulfing the Steelers over Antonio Brown's future (or potential lack thereof) with the organisation means new episodes of ''Days of Our Steelers'' are still being produced. Tree opens by venting about having unwanted new material for the series:
-->'''UT''': Can someone please explain to me why I'm doing one of these episodes when a game hasn't been played in over a ''month?'' The players get to rest, why can't the drama!? God damn it, I'm gonna look like such a viewwhore...\\
'''Caption''': '''I[-MPLYING HE'S NOT A VIEWWHORE.-] T[-HAT'S CUTE.-]'''

!![[AC:Episode Eighteen: Mr. Big Chest's Self-Destructive Opus]]
* The drama associated with Antonio Brown leading up to the trade is such that it can only be opened with:
-->'''UT''': Tonight, on ''[[INeedAFreakingDrink Where's My Liquor?]]''...
* In regards to what AB insisted his nickname be:
-->'''UT''': It's time to introduce his new identity to the world: "Mr. Big Chest". ''[VideoGame/AgeOfEmpiresII taunt "Dadgum!"]'' What the hell kind of nickname is that? I can't tell if that's an uninspired kid's show villain or a wrestler opening a house show in Wyoming. Let's wash this out with Le'Veon's new rap album! ''[an excerpt of one of Le'Veon Bell's songs plays]''\\
'''Caption''': '''H[-E SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT '$14.5 MILLION'-]''' ''[Le'Veon's tweet promoting the album's premiere appears]''\\
'''UT''': I regret that decision, much like most of us watching the Cancer bash the Steelers organization this off-season for the sixty-fourth time on a platform with [=LeBron=] James, who knows a thing or two about ripping a city's heart out with a move!\\
'''Caption''': '''I[-N BEFORE-] L[-E-]GM [-TRADES EVERYONE ON THE-] L[-AKERS TO GET-] A[-NTONIO-]'''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Days of Our Steelers - 2019 Season]]
With Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell both gone, most of the drama was gone to UT's relief. However, a few episodes were made in the event of a humiliating on-field display.

!![[AC:The Boston Salt Party]]
* With Le'Veon Bell now the Jets' problem and Antonio Brown now the Raiders' problem, Tree is savouring the prospect of a drama-free season. His sense of calm is short-lived:
-->'''UT''': ''[over footage of the Steelers' pre-season training, Music/LudwigVanBeethoven's ''Pastoral'' Symphony playing on the soundtrack]'' Do you hear that? That sweet, serene nectar to the ears. ''No... drama.'' No more pain. No more anguish. No more ''Days of Our Steelers''. I can finally relax. I can sit back... and laugh at the Raiders. He's your problem now, boys! ''[contented sigh]'' I wonder who the Steelers are playing in their first game?\\
'''Headline''': ''[glass breaking]'' '''NFL [-WEEK 1 BETTING PREVIEW:-] S[-TEELERS REMAIN 6.5-POINT UNDERDOGS VS.-] P[-ATRIOTS-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Fuck]].''
* Oh well, at least Antonio Brown is gone, and his pre-season in Oakland is so drama-laden that they end up releasing him before he even plays a down, never mind a whole game. Time to indulge in some ''schadenfreude'', right? Except...
-->'''UT''': The Steelers just won the Super Bowl and all it cost us was $21 million in debt cap! PARTY TIME, BABY!\\
'''Narrator UT''': ''[as Video Tree sings in the background]'' This premature celebration of the yinzer in his habitat, something sinister was bubbling. The seismic activity would shake the very core of his fandom.\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' '''A[-NTONIO-] B[-ROWN SIGNS WITH-] P[-ATRIOTS AHEAD OF SEASON OPENER-]'''\\
'''UT''': ''What?!...''\\
'''Narrator UT''': The Steelers had no longer won the Super Bowl.\\
'''UT''': He signed with the FUCKING PATRIOTS!?\\
'''Caption''': '''H[-ELL HATH COME TO-] Y[-INZERLAND-]'''\\
'''UT''': '''FUCK! [[CurseCutShort FUUU-]]'''\\
''[static]''\\
'''UT''': Why does God hate us? Antonio Brown to the Patriots!?\\
'''Caption''': ''[over footage of Brown running up and down his back garden in celebration]'' '''I [-BET HE'S DOING THIS TO SPITE HIS OLD LOVER-]'''\\
'''UT''': The team the Steelers are always at least two steps behind on any given Sunday?! Do you understand they have to go into Foxborough and deal with their Super Bowl presentation, and now THIS!?\\
'''Headline''': '''A[-NTONIO-] B[-ROWN WON'T BE ON THE SIDELINE FOR-] P[-ATRIOTS--]S[-TEELERS-]'''\\
'''UT''': I mean, at least he won't play, but you know what? I not only hope the Steelers win, I hope they fucking ''crush'' them. Hearing their misery will warm my cold, salty heart to a boil. Do this and all the drama of the past few years will be forgiven.

!![[AC:Vanquished Leader of Men]]
* The Steelers go home and seek to rebound against the Seahawks. While the Steelers take an early lead, the Seahawks respond with a touchdown of their own. But that's not the least of their issues...
-->'''UT''': This week's matchup is at home against the Seattle Seahawks. Unlike the Patriots game, the Black and Gold brigade should have a good chance at winning. They are equals. Two hungry teams eager for playoff berths with questions to answer throughout the season. They would not be for the early part of the game. The offenses were silenced like a Pittsburgh suburb after 9 PM. May we praise Stephon Tuitt for restarting the sack machine.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as James Connor scores the first touchdown]'' '''I [-SMELL HEROICS IN THE AIR-]'''\\
'''UT''': But for this team to unlock their full potential, they must call upon the powers of a weakened legend. CAPTAIN FAT FUCK, LEADER OF-\\
''[A SickeningCrunch, a scream, and a loud gong sound in unison as Ben Roethlisberger gets injured, followed quickly by "Oh no, there's a man down!"]''\\
'''Headline''': '''S[-TEELERS'-] B[-EN-] R[-OETHLISBERGER (ELBOW) OUT FOR THE YEAR-]'''\\
'''UT''': Vanquished. Out for the remainder of the season with an elbow injury.\\
'''Caption''': '''Q[-UESTIONABLE, EH?-]'''\\
'''UT''': I was wondering when this day would come. His body after years of taking a beating behind a pocket finally breaking down on him. But it still takes you by surprise. An era may truly be over. One of the final main characters of Days of Our Steelers falling to the wayside. And to be completely honest, I don't feel bad. I don't feel any sort of pity whatsoever. I don't even feel joy or happiness, I'm just not feeling anything right now.

!![[AC:Duck and Cover]]
* A week after being humiliated by the Browns, the Steelers found themselves struggling against a moribund Bengals team they're not supposed to, which prompted UT to make a new episode.
-->'''UT''': Couldn't this series be like [[Series/DaysOfOurLives the namesake it's ripping off]]? They at least [[https://tvline.com/2019/11/12/days-of-our-lives-cancelled-cast-fired-season-56/ had the decency to shut down]]. ''[a headline appears suggesting the show is getting renewed for its 56th season after all]'' [-They're back on the air again? Fucking hell, let's get this over with.-]

!![[AC:A Lump of Coal]]
* In the spirit of Christmas (two days before the day of the video's upload), Tree channels Literature/TwasTheNightBeforeChristmas as he recounts how the New York Jets defeated the Steelers the previous Sunday.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Other Sports]]

[[/folder]]

* The Atlanta Falcons blow ''another'' double digit lead---this time, a 26-10 lead to the Chicago Bears, who also changed quaterbacks in the second half, using Nick Foles in place of Mitch Trubisky. Understandably, Tree went ballistic.
--->'''UT''': You know, I wanted you dead when you blew one 15-point lead in the 4th quarter, [[SuddenlyShouting BUT TO SHIT THE BED IN SUCH A FASHION IN CONSECUTIVE WEEKS?!]] What in the literal ''fuck?!'' '''''WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, RAHEEM?!''''' [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech Do you have a fetish for getting shit on or something? You trying to make OBJ into a prude? Another game with an over 99% chance on winning AND YOU CHOKE ON THE AIR AGAIN?! The Falcons wanna make the same fuck-ups in the 4th quarter, well, they can be our Lolcow of the Week again! Every week this shit keeps going on is a failure on Arthur Blank! His refusal to make necessary changes when they need to be makes him look weak and afraid of change! And guess what happens when you don't change? The league eats you for fucking breakfast! Dan Quinn should've been fired last year! Dimitroff should've been fired years earlier! You can't just fire random assistants and pretend shit's gonna change! Period! You've earned these epic chokes! Stop wasting all your talent and let them go to teams that give a shit already!]]

* The Atlanta Falcons blow another double digit lead, causing Tree to go ballistic.
--->'''UT''': You know I wanted you dead when you blew one 15-point lead in the 4th quarter, [[SuddenlyShouting BUT TO SHIT THE BED IN SUCH A FASHION IN CONSECUTIVE WEEKS?! What in the literal fuck?! WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION RAHEEM?!]] [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech Do you have a fetish for getting shit on or something? You trying to make OBJ into a prude? Another game with an over 99% chance on winning AND YOU CHOKE ON THE AIR AGAIN?! The Falcons wanna make the same fuck-ups in the 4th quarter, well they can be our Lolcow of the Week again! Every week this shit keeps going on is a failure on Arthur Blank! His refusal to make necessary changes when they need to be makes him look weak and afraid of change! And guess what happens when you don't change? The league eats you for fucking breakfast! Dan Quinn should've been fired last year! Dimitroff should've been fired years earlier! You can't just fire random assistants and pretend shit's gonna change! Period! You've earned these epic chokes! Stop wasting all your talent and let them go to teams that give a shit already!]]

--->'''UT''': Buffalo isn't even making this into a contest, as they posted a twenty-eight to- [[DoubleTake twenty-eight to three]]? Oh my god, OH MY GOD! The fools have no idea what they've done! I have to warn them! ''[phone dials, some indecipherable chatter is heard on the other side of the line as the Rams begin to rally]'' Is this the Pentagon? Get me the President! No, I don't care if I have clearance or not, the Buffalo Bills have walked right into a trap! Don't ask me how I got this number, I don't know where he- just send the message to the Bills! They need to know until it's too late! Yes, I'll have a stuffed crust pizza with extra pepperoni... and breadsticks too! Yes, yes I'll clean up my room. I love you too. [''phone disconnects as the Rams are now only behind 25-28 and on the verge of scoring a touchdown''] Goddammit, I couldn't get the message to them! Now the Bills have pissed away a 25-point lead ''[Film/BillyMadison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]'' and have to come back in a game they should have easily won.