History Funny / UrinatingTreeLolcowsInSports

'''Headline''': '''M[-ARTAVIS-] B[-RYANT SAYS J[-U-]J[-U-] S[-MITH-]-S[-CHUSTER IS-] S[-AMMIE-] C[-OATES-]' [-REPLACEMENT-]'''\\

* The video would receive a second part two weeks later.
** This time around, we have Ke’Bryan Hayes hitting a home run against the Dodgers....that turned into an out because he failed to step on first base. The Pirates would still have lost even with the homer.

-->'''UT''': [...]I want to focus on one man in particular. The head honcho who was hyped to be North Carolina's great savior. This man was going to put the Hornets back on the map in style. Behold... [[Creator/MichaelJordan THE GOAT]]!\\

'''UT''': One of the most inept organizations in basketball, a team that burned through ''seven head coaches in seven years!'' They lost out to ''that''.[[note]]The Suns later improved themselves under Williams, going 34-39 in his first season (albeit in a pandemic-shortened season) before getting a 51-21 record to not only return to the Playoffs since ''2010,'' but also get the second-best record that season and later won their first ever series 4-2 in the first round against the Lakers themselves in the 2021 Playoffs, getting revenge from their last match back in 2010.[[/note]] At this point, they threw their hands in the air and settled for [=LeBron=]'s old puppet in Tyronn Lue.\\

'''UT''': For fuck's sake, I'd rather play for the [Sacramento] Kings! They may be a shithole franchise, but there's a lot of exciting youth over there that's intriguing for the future. L.A. has gone from ''supposedly'' developing young players to be their future core to just go back to name-chasing. Once again, they're going to go all-out on an aggressive blitz for name players that Lakers fans can be hyped about ''[various headlines displaying names supposedly linked with the Lakers with consequences in mind pop up]'' until reality smacks them in the face. It says something when the most sympathetic main character in this story... is [=LeBron=]! All he wanted to do was be close to Hollywood and star in ''Film/SpaceJam2''! Maybe win another championship ring in the process. In reality, he's stuck on a team that's in the shitter, teammates that think he wants them gone, and a fanbase that doesn't want him there. The Land O' Lakers soap opera will continue with probably countless more falling to the sword. From one of the proudest NBA franchises to a sideshow. Somewhere Jim Buss is laughing his ass off with a vat of popcorn in his lap.

* And to cap it all off, the roast of the ages for Jeanie Buss...

* And to cap it all off, the roast of the ages for Jeanie Buss...

'''UT''': From the increasingly meddling nature of her ownership to "accidentally" CCing[[note]]Carbon copying your e-mail, meaning its shared within the specific group of people that were shared the e-mail in question[[/note]] Magic Johnson in an e-mail criticizing Magic.\\
'''Headline''': Rumor: Jeanie Buss mistakenly CCed Magic Johnson on Rob Pelinka's emails critical of Johnson\\

* [=LeBron's=] "Playoff Mode" falls way short of expectations, and a FailureMontage immediately follows,[[note]]An offensive foul in the final seconds of a 110-105 loss to the Grizzlies, two missed free-throws in the final minute of a 118-109 loss to the Suns, a missed basket in the fourth quarter of a 113-105 loss to the Clippers, a defensive foul in the fourth quarter of a 115-99 loss to the Nuggets, and a failed attempt to shoot a buzzer beater in a 124-123 loss to the Knicks.[[/note]] interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."

'''UT''': One of the most inept organizations in basketball, a team that burned through ''seven head coaches in seven years.'' They lost out to ''that''![[note]]The Suns later improved themselves under Williams, going 34-39 in his first season (albeit in a pandemic-shortened season) before getting a 51-21 record to not only return to the Playoffs since ''2010,'' but also get the second-best record that season and later won their first ever series 4-2 in the first round against the Lakers themselves in the 2021 Playoffs, getting revenge from their last match back in 2010.[[/note]] At this point, they threw their hands in the air and settled for [=LeBron=]'s old puppet in Tyronn Lue.\\

'''UT''': Fortunately for the meddlesome owners in charge, they found a coach willing enough to be whipped to their demands. The bad part is that it was Frank Vogel, a coach who's had his reputation ruined thanks to his stint with the [-Orlando-] Magic.\\

'''Headline''': Report: Lakers hire Lionel Hollins for assistant coaching role\\

'''UT''': One of the most inept organizations in basketball, a team that burned through ''seven head coaches in seven years.'' They lost out to ''that''![[note]]The Suns later improved themselves under Williams, going 34-39 in his first season (albeit in a pandemic-shortened season) before getting a 51-21 record to not only return to the Playoffs since ''2010,'' but also get the second-best record that season and are currently one win away from beating the Lakers in the first round of the 2021 Playoffs, seeking revenge from their last match back in 2010.[[/note]] At this point, they threw their hands in the air and settled for [=LeBron=]'s old puppet in Tyronn Lue.\\

* And to top it all off, the Lakers' season ended with Magic Johnson leaving the executive role he had with the team. In fact the Magic Johnson tenure revolved around plenty of in-fighting between him and his partner in crime, Rob Pelinka, with his tenure slated to be worse than [[Horrible/LiveActionTV his syndicated talk show]] from the late 1980's or early 1990's. Then head coach Luke Walton got fired to go to the Sacramento Kings before being revealed of an alleged sexual assault charge (that thankfully was just alleged). However, the biggest example of how much of an issue their front office was around this time revolved around their search for the new head coach.

'''UT''': I don't know what's more humiliating: that they would settle for him, or the fact that ''he did not want anything to do with this mess''![[note]]To throw further salt onto the wound, Lue later became a head coach in Los Angeles... for the Clippers a season after denying the Lakers' head coach role.[[/note]]

* [=LeBron's=] "Playoff mode" falls way short of expectations, and a FailureMontage immediately follows,[[note]]An offensive foul in the final seconds of a 110-105 loss to the Grizzlies, two missed free throws in the final minute of a 118-109 loss to the Suns, a missed basket in the fourth quarter of a 113-105 loss to the Clippers, a defensive foul in the fourth quarter of a 115-99 loss to the Nuggets, and a failed attempt to shoot a buzzer beater in a 124-123 loss to the Knicks.[[/note]] interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."

'''UT''': He denied the Lakers for the ''Phoenix Suns''!

'''UT''': One of the most inept organizations in basketball, a team that burned through ''seven head coaches in seven years.'' They lost out to ''that''![[note]]The Suns later improved themselves under Williams, going 34-39 in his first season (albeit in a pandemic-shortened season) before getting a 51-21 record to not only return to the Playoffs since ''2010,'' but also get the second-best record that season and are currently one win away from beating the Lakers in the first round of the 2021 Playoffs, seeking revenge from their last match back in 2010.[[/note]]

* The Lakers have been in a tailspin since the death of longtime owner Jerry Buss and the career decline of Kobe Bryant. Buss is initially succeeded by his son Jim, who mismanages the team for four years before being ousted by his younger sister Jeanie. Unfortunately, her solution to reviving the team's fortunes is to bring in names from the glory days, such as Magic Johnson as president and Rob Pelinka, former agent of Kobe Bryant, as general manager. Still, they have some promising players in Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Julius Randle, and Kyle Kuzma; a big name or two might be all the team needs to crystallise. However, getting big names proves easier said than done:

* The entire video consists of Tree breaking down a single awful play by the Pittsburgh Pirates against the Chicago Cubs(a Minor League Team, according to him) in the style of Jomboy.

[[/folder]]

'''UT''': '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?!]]''''' An eight-year contract at $8.5 million per year for ''one year of first line production?!'' Do you realize what you've done, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Chiarelli_(ice_hockey) Peter?]] [[DidntThinkThisThrough You've all but broken the fucking league!]] Most players in this status were getting about $2 million per year ''less!'' What the fuck is wrong with you, man? This is the kind of shit that leads to a lockout!

-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkie struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]

* Describing how Sam Hinkey [[{{Understatement}} might not have known what he was doing]]...
-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]

'''Headlines''': ''[musical sting]'' '''R[-EPORT-]: J[-ULIUS-] R[-ANDLE-], P[-ELICANS-] A[-GREE TO-] C[-ONTRACT-] A[-FTER-] 4 S[-EASONS WITH-] L[-AKERS-]\\

''(the next few captions go by so fast they can only be read by [[FreezeFrameBonus pausing the video repeatedly]])''

''(over a shot of Darryl Sutter)'' '''T[-HIS GUY-]'[-S GONE-]!''\\

'''P[-EOPLE GAVE A SHIT ABOUT US!'''\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Carolina Hurricanes have lowest attendance - by nearly 12 percent]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Peter Karmanos sued by his adult sons for $105M]]\\

'''Caption''': ''[to Windows 95 "Chord" sound effect]''[[note]]For those not old enough to remember Windows 95, "Chord" was the default sound effect for warning messages.[[/note]] [[AC:Ineffective and injury-prone, Forgettable final season.]]\\

'''Caption''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Numerous injuries after extension, steep decline in performance.]]\\

'''Headlines''': [[AC:Carlo Colaiacovo signs two-year deal with Detroit Red Wings]]\\
[[AC:Red Wings sign disturber Jordin Tootoo to three-year deal worth $1.9 million per season]]\\
[[AC:Red Wings bring back forward Mikael Samuelsson on two-year deal]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Wings to use buyout on Colaiacovo]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Detroit Red Wings to buy out Jordin Tootoo]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Red Wings place Mikael Samuelsson on waivers]]\\

'''Headline''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Dallas Stars announce hiring of Jim Nill as new general manager]]\\

'''Caption''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Does not win cup, retires at season's end.]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Red Wings' Franzen (head) out indefinitely -- again]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Daniel Cleary to sign with Red Wings on one-year deal]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Detroit Red Wings sign forward Daniel Cleary to a one-year contract]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Red Wings re-sign Daniel Cleary to one-year deal]]\\

'''Headline''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Erik Cole done with Red Wings after spinal contusion]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Luke Glendening signs 4-year, $7.2M extension with Red Wings]]\\
'''UT''': And you signed ''him'' to a bloated extension... ''[screen wipe]'' Drew Miller is still here? Didn't he get cut a few years ago? ''[screen wipe; the Red Wings lose to the Wild in the 2016-17 regular season]'' And the streak is over. Maybe they'll realise the course they're going on will lead to disaster- nah, that would use too many brain cells. Let's go all in on Trevor Daley! ''[three years, $9.5 million, to be exact; screen wipe]'' At least Athanasiou is a good player. Nice depth piece to aid a playoff contender. ''[unfortunately, as a graphic of the Red Wings' cap numbers reveals...]'' And you don't have the cap space to pay for him. ''[followed by a tweet that reveals...]'' And he's fucking off to Russia. ''[sighs, pounds desk]'' [-HOLLAND, GIVE ME BACK MY LEGIONS!-]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Have fun dealing with Mantha and Larkin next year.]]

'''Headline''': ''["Oh NO!"]'' [[AC:Former Canadiens defenceman Markov signs with Russian club]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Jonathan Drouin traded by Lightning to Canadiens for Mikhail Sergachev]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Canadiens' Streit on waivers to terminate contract]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Price inks richest goaltending contract ever with eight-year, $84 million extention]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Connor [=McDavid=] signs 8-year, $100 million extension with Oilers]]\\

'''Headline''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Oilers sign center Leon Draisaitl to eight-year extension]]\\

[[AC:West Coast represent!]]\\
[[AC:Reverse sweep the leg!]]\\
[[AC:Organizational inbreeding!]]\\
[[AC:Relive the glory days!]]\\
[[AC:Cups? We got two!]]\\
[[AC:Party like it's 1993!]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Rob Blake!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Lucky Luc!]]]]\\
''(over a shot of Darryl Sutter)'' [[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus This guy's gone!]]]]\\
''(over a shot of the Stanley Cup)'' [[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus This thing might be too!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Eat shit, Vancouver!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus People gave a shit about us!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Us to Pacific Division:]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus But look at the Cups!]]]]\\

'''Headline:''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Drew Doughty signs historic 8-year, $88 million contract with Los Angeles Kings]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:Look at how captivated Knicks fans are]]

'''Headlines''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]'' [[AC:Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late]]\\
''["Nope!"]'' [[AC:Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:25th in defensive efficiency!!!]]

'''Headline''': [[AC:Paul George agrees to re-sign with Thunder on four-year, $137 million deal]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:NBA Rumors: Paul George spurned Lakers after talking with Corey Brewer]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[over footage of Leonard in a Raptors jersey laughing at a press conference]'' [[AC:San Antonio Spurs trade Kawhi Leonard to Toronto Raptors for [=DeMar DeRozan=], others]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:[=DeMarcus=] Cousins, Warriors Agree to Reported 1-Year, $5.3 Million Contract]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Lakers Sign Rajon Rondo To One-Year Deal]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:NBA Free Agency: Lakers officially sign Lance Stephenson]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:[=JaVale McGee=] decides to join forces with [=LeBron=] James and the Lakers]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Lakers Sign Michael Beasley]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Kentavious Caldwell-Pope reportedly signs $12 million deal with Lakers]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Report: Julius Randle, Pelicans Agree to Contract After 4 Seasons with Lakers]]\\
[[AC:Lakers' Coach on Last Offseason's Decisions: 'What the F*** Are We Doing?']]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Anthony Davis won't re-sign with Pelicans, demands trade, team confirms]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Report: Lakers, Pelicans talking Anthony Davis trade]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:Excuse me... what?]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:Seriously, what is this deal?]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:What is the need for a team? We have two players!]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Lakers pull out of Anthony Davis trade talks amid 'outrageous' requests by Pelicans]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fuck it, I want four first round picks and a share of [[Film/AvengersEndgame Endgame]]'s box office revenues!]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:The Pelicans fired GM Dell Demps amid the chaotic Anthony Davis saga. He deserved to go.]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Vogelsong makes first start since injury]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Pirates' Starling Marte suspended 80 games for violating MLB's performance-enhancing drug policy]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Jameson Taillon undergoes surgery for testicular cancer]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over [[WesternAnimation/TheSpongeBobSquarePantsMovie "MY EYES!"]])'' [[AC:Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded]]\\
''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life']]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets]]\\

'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy]]\\
''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident]]

'''Caption''': ''[the words appearing in time with Pacers fans chanting]'' [[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career. As for Ingram, sure enough, when the Lakers made another move for Davis in free agency - this one successful - he was included in the package given to the Pelicans, along with Lonzo Ball, Josh Hart, and three first-round picks (including the fourth overall pick).[[/note]]

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets 'very' concerned about Cespedes as his injury reappears]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mets consider demoting Michael Conforto to minors, report says]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[sound of retching, accompanied by Bruce's dire numbers (starting with a .212 batting average) for the first half of the season]'' [[AC:Mets' Jay Bruce drops F-bombs while discussing struggles]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Jay Bruce goes on 10-day disabled list with sore hip]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets CF Lagares likely to miss rest of year with toe injury]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets' Travis d'Arnaud might need Tommy John surgery due to UCL tear]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:David Wright Still Wants to Play, but Admits It May Not Happen]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets put Todd Frazier on the 10-day disabled list with hamstring injury]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[BigNo, accompanied by Reyes' terrible numbers, including a .186 batting average]'' [[AC:Mets Have Considered Releasing Jose Reyes]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets expect T.J. Rivera to remain out until July]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Wilmer Flores is newest Mets injury headache to worry about]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Mets release Adrian Gonzalez, potentially marking the end of an underrated career]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[Windows 95 "Ta-da!" sound effect]'' [[AC:Jose Bautista Is Somehow Hitting Fifth For The Mets Tonight]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mets' errors make night much longer for Seth Lugo]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Dominic Smith getting a start in left field Sunday in New York]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Mets are now benching Amed Rosario for Jose Reyes]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Noah Syndergaard injury update: No timetable for Mets ace to begin throwing program, report says]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mets' Swarzak 'still trying to find himself' after Sunday's struggles]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:New Mets reliever Anthony Swarzak suffers left oblique injury]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[[[WesternAnimation/SpongebobSquarepants "Oh BROTHER, this guy STINKS!"]], accompanied by Vargas' awful numbers, led by an ERA of 8.60]'' [[AC:Jason Vargas never gave the Mets a chance]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets lefty Jason Vargas placed on DL with sore calf]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[[[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Matt Harvey Traded to Reds for Devin Morasco After Pitcher DFA'd By Mets]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets announce Rafael Montero has torn UCL in right elbow, will likely need Tommy John surgery]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Angels claim Mets discard Hansel Robles off waivers]]\\
''[toilet flushing]'' [[AC:Mets fans can finally laugh at a Hansel Robles disaster]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Mets Reliever Jerry Blevins Starting Against Dodgers]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony, [[VideoGame/MortalKombat3 Shao Khan laughs]], and Ramos' dreadful numbers, led by an ERA of 6.41] [SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets reliever AJ Ramos to have surgery Wednesday to repair torn labrum, will miss rest of season]]

'''Headline''': [[AC:Tim Tebow makes Eastern League All-Star team]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Yoenis Céspedes suffered multiple ankle fractures in ranch accident]]\\
[[AC:Yoenis Céspedes has season-ending surgery]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[sound of retching]'' [[AC:Wilson Ramos bashes Gatorade cooler after Mets' latest stinker]]\\
[[AC:Mets finally trust Wilson Ramos to catch Jacob [=deGrom=]]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer, [[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets Designate Travis d'Arnaud for Assignment; Catcher Has .087 BA to Start 2019]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Jed Lowrie 'not close' to playing games, shining light on $20 million deal that's flopping]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Report: Mets could move Amed Rosario to center field]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Robinson Cano explains blatantly not trying with excuses, no apology]]\\
''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Robinson Cano's ugly Mets tenure is getting harder to hide]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Robinson Cano aggravates quad in first game back from injured list]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[BRUH!]'' [[AC:The ridiculous feud between Adam Eaton and Todd Frazier now features homeowner's advice]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of terror accompanied by Lagares' dreadful numbers, led by a .182 batting average]'' [[AC:The Mets have a center field problem]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[[[WesternAnimation/TheSpongebobSquarepantsMovie "MY EYES!"]]]'' [[AC:Carlos Gómez designated for assignment]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets shut down Nimmo as Conforto experiment looms]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Mets Designate Keon Broxton]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Syndergaard stung again in loss to Crew: Thor gives up 2 homers, raises ERA to 6.35]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Noah Syndergaard has a strained hamstring]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[glass breaking]'' [[AC:Mets' Zack Wheeler addresses trade rumors: 'It's something that you don't want to think about']]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Road Woes For Matz Continue, Mets Drop Series To Braves]]\\

'''Headline''': ''["[[WebVideo/JonTron WHAT!?]]", accompanied by a tweet about Vargas' confrontation with a reporter]'' [[AC:Jason Vargas hints at real story behind threats--that he refuses to tell]]\\
''["[[WebVideo/JonTron What the FUCK?!]]"]'' [[AC:Mets reportedly remain mad with Jason Vargas, could move him ahead of trade deadline]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Wilson heads back to IL as elbow flares up]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets place Luis Avilan on IL, call up Chris Flexen]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[[[Series/MalcolmInTheMiddle "I expect nothing - and I'm still let down!"]], accompanied by Familia's abysmal numbers, led by an ERA of 7.81] [SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets News: Jeurys Familia Placed on 10-Day IL with Shoulder Injury]]\\

'''Headline''': ''["AIE, my eyes!", accompanied by Gagnon's hopeless numbers, led by an ERA of 7.65]'' [[AC:Rockies trying their best to accept Drew Gagnon's 'accident']]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of terror]'' [[AC:Wilmer Font latest reliever to doom the Mets]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!]]]'' [[AC:Reliever Smith requires Tommy John surgery]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mickey Callaway Has A Very Mets Reason For Overworking His Most Reliable Reliever]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[[[VideoGame/AgeOfEmpiresII "You played two hours to die like THIS!?"]]]'' [[AC:Mets' Seth Lugo looking for more setup opportunities]]\\

'''Headlines''': ''["BOO! You suck!"]'' [[AC:Is it Time for the Mets to Find Edwin Diaz' Replacement?]]\\
[[AC:Mets closer Edwin Diaz can't shake his mechanical issues]]

'''Caption''': [[AC:He seemed like he had a screw loose, but pedophile? Didn't see that coming]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015]]\\

-->''(MusicalSting and DramaticThunder as '''T[-HE-] M[-C-]C[-ASKEYS-]!!!!]] WreathedInFlames shakes back and forth on-screen)''\\

''([[AC:Disappointment Intensifies]])'' '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\

([[AC:Cleveland's top export]]) '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
'''UT''': Signing perennial underachiever [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwayne_Bowe Dwayne Bowe]] for $9 million...to make ''five'' catches. ''(Caption: [[AC:Five whole catches!]])'' Five. '''''(BUZZER)''''' A revolving carousel of head coaches, general managers, and quarterbacks!\\
'''''(BUZZER)''''' ''[[AC:([[http://dailysnark.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Screen-Shot-2016-03-25-at-10.43.23-PM.png Not pictured: Three More Quarterbacks *As of November 2016]])]]''\\

-->[[AC:2005]]\\

[[AC:Ding]]\\

[[AC:2007]]\\

[[AC:2008]]\\

-->[[AC:2014 - Prepare to Die Edition]]\\

'''Supers''': [[AC:Bridgewater picked ten spots after Manziel]]\\
[[AC:GG WP]]

'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:SF's Borland Retires over Safety Issues]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Aldon Smith arrested in California on charges including DUI, hit and run]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:49ers release Aldon Smith after DUI, hit-and-run arrest]] '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\

* "It's also pretty hard for the Jets to build from within as well. There's no other way to describe their drafting than 'legendarily '''bad'''.'" So begins a montage of hilarious failure entitled "[[AC:Jets drafting in two minutes]]", many clips in which feature reaction shots of Jets fans in utter misery. Lowlights include:

'''Caption:''' [[AC:Marino intensifies]]\\

'''Caption:''' [[AC:Pete Rozelle, 10/10 epic troll]]

** Drafting OSU defensive end Vernon Gholston in 2008, greeted with enthusiasm from both Jets fans at the draft and ESPN's Chris Berman, who exclaims "And the Jets have just won the Super Bowl!" The caption [[AC:No sacks, cut in three years]] appears with the 1980s Mac OS "quack" sound effect,[[note]]'''Over six hundred other players''' managed at least one sack in those three years.[[/note]] summing up why Gholston is considered one of the biggest draft busts in Jets history (and as this list makes apparent, there's a ''lot'' of competition for that title).
** Drafting USC quarterback (and future butt-fumbler) Mark Sanchez in 2009. A reaction shot of cheering Jets fans at the announcement, captioned "[[AC:Before Sanchise]]", is followed with footage of Sanchez throwing an intercepted pass against the Titans and a shot of Jets fans with green paper bags over their heads with Sanchez' name written on them, captioned "[[AC:After Sanchise]]".

'''Caption''': ''[quack!]'' [[AC:Cut in three years]] ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]''\\

'''Caption''': ''[rushing across the screen, echoing the audience]'' [[AC:What???]]\\

'''Headlines''': [[AC:Sheldon Richardson Arrested After Being Clocked at 143 MPH in Bentley]]\\
[[AC:Jets discipline Richardson for profanity-laden Snapchat post]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:His jaw: Permanently broken]][[note]]A reference to an August 2015 incident when his then-teammate Ikemefuna Enemkpali punched him in the jaw, supposedly because Smith owed him money. Enemkpali was promptly released by the Jets, while Smith lost the starting quarterback position to Ryan Fitzpatrick; see the beginning of the video for how well ''that'' turned out.[[/note]]

-->'''UT''': ''[as Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays in the background]'' So if you can't draft, can't play, and can't care, what the hell is this team even notable for anymore--oh, that's right! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butt_fumble The Butt-fumble!]] One of the greatest plays to ever be devised by the Football Gods for our comedic enjoyment! [[http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/02/incredulous.gif Shocked Jaguars Fan]] may be a depressing offering, but he at least ''has dignity''; "Butt-fumble" is so full of shame it's now a figure of speech. It is the perfect representation of failure, buffoonery, submission, and outstanding comedic timing that football has been dying for since [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Marshall_(American_football) Jim Marshall]] [[http://www.nfl.com/videos/minnesota-vikings/0ap3000000564787/This-Day-in-NFL-History-Jim-Marshall-runs-the-wrong-way ran the wrong way for a safety]]. I could play this clip on repeat for five minutes with "Yakety Sax" in the background and it would just as strongly prove my case! In fact, [[UpToEleven I'll go further and say that this play is the perfect microcosm of the Jets organization]]. Everything surrounding this team is a butt-fumble. Their performance [in 2016-17]? Butt-fumble. The free agent signings are usually butt-fumbles. How they play in critical games? Absolutely a butt-fumble. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brett_Favre Brett Favre]] sending dick picks? He butt-fumbled. John Idzik's tenure? Total butt-fumble! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Ryan Rex Ryan]] constantly butt-fumbled his way around the sidelines for six seasons. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rich_Kotite Rich Kotite?]] That dude even ''looks'' [[{{Gonk}} like a butt-fumble]]! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Belichick Bill Belichick]] butt-fumbled by accepting a head coaching position with the Jets, then [[https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/remember-when-bill-belichick-quit-as-hc-of-the-nyj-after-one-day/ gloriously un-butt-fumbled on a paper napkin!]] The Jets butt-fumbled by injuring [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drew_Bledsoe Drew Bledsoe!]][[note]]It was his injury that allowed then-backup Tom Brady to get into an NFL game.[[/note]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Fitzpatrick Ryan Fitzpatrick's]] contract holdout was a ''double''-butt-fumble! They continue to draft butt-fumble after butt-fumble after butt-fumble. Even their fan base, like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireman_Ed Fireman Ed]], is a butt-fumble. [[INeedAFreakingDrink They drink themselves into a stupor after witnessing such butt-fumbling]], and then butt-fumble their way into creating more butt-fumbling bastard-spawn.[[note]]A clip of a child in a Jets jersey and helmet is captioned with [[AC:Pictured: Child Abuse]][[/note]] [[MedalOfDishonor This play should be enshrined and bronzed as a statue outside of MetLife Stadium]] for all of us to bask in and enjoy, courtesy of a donation from the Mara family.[[note]]The owners of the New York Giants since their foundation.[[/note]] Our future children and grandchildren should be able to laugh like we all did on that glorious day for millennia to come!

-->''(MusicalSting and DramaticThunder as [[AC:The [=McCaskeys=]!!!!]] WreathedInFlames shakes back and forth on-screen)''\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHuKc0YMsJk What you are hearing]] [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer is not a parody track. This track is 100% legit]]. As terrible as this track is, it's one of the better ones he has. And fuck [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skip_Bayless Skip Bayless]], too.]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:Fucker makes Ray Handley look competent in comparison]]\\

* This season was supposed to give Giants fans hope for another Super Bowl run. This HopeSpot is exemplified by their Week 8 mollywhopping at the hands of the Rams ([[AC:NFL: Woeful Giants fall to 1-7 as [[CurbStompBattle the Rams rout them 51-17]]]]), complete with footage of a burning building superimposed onto game footage, the sounds of air raid sirens and bombs going off, and a clip from the ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' episode "Bart's Comet" of bystanders standing around, cringing, and tugging at their collars. Of course, the Derp Song is playing throughout these highlights as well.

'''Headlines:''' ''(SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Giants lose return man Dwayne Harris for year with broken foot]]\\
[[AC:Sterling Shepard Suffers Ankle Injury vs. Chargers, Reportedly May Miss 2 Weeks]]\\
[[AC:Brandon Marshall to have season-ending ankle surgery]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Odell Beckham Jr. to undergo season-ending surgery on ankle injury]]\\

'''Headlines''': [[AC:In a Game Packed with Mistakes, Ben [=McAdoo=] Shoulders Eli Manning with Much of the Blame]]\\
[[AC:Ben [=McAdoo=] won't rule out benching Eli Manning]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:Surprisingly accurate]]

'''Headline''': [[AC:[=McAdoo=] [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext still talking about sex-crazed lion]] as Giants sink to 1-7]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Report: Martavis Bryant suspended due to multiple failed marijuana tests]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant: The NFL Must Change Its Marijuana Policy]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Reports: Steelers' Martavis Bryant facing year-long suspension]]\\

'''Headlines''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant planning to check into rehab]]\\
[[AC:Roethlisberger says suspended Steelers receiver Bryant lied to him]]\\

'''Headlines''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant requested trade from Steelers]]\\
''["BRUH!"]'' [[AC:Martavis Bryant downplays reported trade demand from Steelers]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant rips [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster on Instagram]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant says [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster is Sammie Coates' replacement]]\\

'''Headlines''': [[AC:[=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster on Martavis Bryant's Instagram comments: "I don't take it personally"]]\\
[[AC:Martavis Bryant, targeted twice in win, 'wants out']]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:Steelers trade Martavis Bryant to the Oakland Raiders]]

'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Martavis Bryant, no stranger to suspension, could be getting suspended again]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[quack!]'' [[AC:WR Martavis Bryant signing 1-year deal with Raiders]]\\

'''Headline''': [[AC:NFL allows Martavis Bryant to play until verdict in suspension appeal]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "NOPE!"]]]'' [[AC:Jon Gruden dissatisfied in play of Raiders WR Martavis Bryant]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:No touchdowns all season]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Report: Raiders fear PCL tear for Martavis Bryant]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[[[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Season is Done for Raiders' Martavis Bryant]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Martavis Bryant Suspended Indefinitely by NFL for Substance Abuse Violation]]\\

'''Headline''': ''[LosingHorns]'' [[AC:Former Steelers WR Martavis Bryant To Appeal Suspension, Arguing Lack Of Access To Mental Health Resources]]\\

'''Caption''': [[AC:Should've been a good boy and taken painkillers]]\\

'''Caption''': ''[as Bryant is tackled just outside the endzone in a Steelers loss to the Seahawks]'' [[AC:Pictured: The NFL to Martavis' career]]\\

'''UT''': You're more of a fucking idiot than I imagined. Have you '''seen''' that utter lack of a running game? Do you have ''any'' idea what your O-line is looking like- ''[video of a traffic cone being chewed on by a horse]'' oh, hey, it's Ereck Flowers!\\

--->'''UT''': They say they can try again in the off-season, but the dude is a Tommy John candidate waiting to happen. Something will totally fuck his trade value to hell and back. [''an explosion sound with a headline of Vázquez being arrested for having a sexual relationship with a 13-year-old, UT steps away from the mic''] [-Urm, urm... well of course he is a degenerate! Why wouldn't he be? Dear god, I wish it was Tommy John at this point. To hell with the trade value, you're going to jail! [[SuddenlyShouting GET THE FUCK TO JAIL YOU SICK]] '''[[SuddenlyShouting FUCK]]'''!-]\\

'''UT''': So if the Tommy John didn't happen to him- [[OhCrap oh no]]. [''a crunching sound with stock scream accompanies a headline of Jameson Taillon getting the second Tommy John surgery, and so was out of commission until 2021''] Taillon needed it ''again''? C'mon hasn't this guy suffered enough in his baseball career? Just let him pitch to his abilities and be done with it! Don't treat him like [[Literature/BookOfJob Job]]!