History Funny / TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonThree

* The CD-i doesn't have the controller port on the front of the console as usual; instead, it's on the back. So every time you want to swap controllers, you have to pull the whole console out of the entertainment center. The Nerd mutters angrily while demonstrating this, including saying, [[Film/AmericanMovie "Fuckin' inhumanity of man."]]

'''Nerd''': He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the [[WesternAnimation/TheLegendOfZelda cartoon series]] look badass.

'''Zelda''': [[MoralDissonance Good.]]\\

[[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerd Main]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdPilots Pilots]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonOne Season One]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTwo Season Two]] | '''Season Three''' | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFour Season Four]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFive Season Five]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonSix Season Six]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonSeven Season Seven]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonEight Season Eight]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonNine Season Nine]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTen Season Ten]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonEleven Season Eleven]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTwelve Season Twelve]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonThirteen Season Thirteen]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFourteen Season Fourteen]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFifteen Season Fifteen]] | [[Funny/AngryVideoGameNerdTheMovie The Movie]]

-->'''Nerd''': First, you pick what you want to accomplish -- y'know, like what kind of serious issues are on the country, [[BlatantLies like "Ban all shoelaces."]] [[CompanyCrossReferences And that's my favorite]] [[WebVideo/YouKnowWhatsBullshit because shoelaces are bullshit!]]

-->'''AVGN:''' "These games are as worthwhile as melting a dog turd on a frying pan! ''[piles up all three Zelda [=CD-i=] games]'' Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda [=CD-i=]! This game FUCKING SUCKS! ''[tosses one CD with a crash]'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''[tosses another CD with a crash]'' FUCKING SUCKS! ''[tosses a third CD with a crash]'' Oh yeah, and the [[VideoGame/HotelMario Mario game]]? That one sucks too! ''[tosses the CD with a fourth crash]'' [=CD-i=] SUCKS!"

-->'''Nerd''': The picture reminds me of Slim Goodbody. [[LampshadeTheObscureReference I can't believe I'm making that kind of reference.]] But anyway, you control a barely visible dot on the screen moving around the human body. There's spiders and clouds floating around, and I doubt this thing's medically accurate. You just explore all the guts, technically making it the goriest game ever made. But, it only goes so far. I guess the piss and shit zone just didn't do it.

-->'''AVGN:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I kind of liked the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective! But ''one guy''? NO CONTINUES?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues! WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! '''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?!?''' '''''WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?'''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!! *He drinks madly, slopping it down himself, SCREAMS into a cushion and unleashes a fuck-stream like no other* Then his expression at the screwdriver bit.

-->'''AVGN:''' And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I kind of liked the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective! But ''one guy''? NO CONTINUES?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues! WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! '''WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!''' '''''WHY!!!!!!?????''''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!! *He drinks madly, slopping it down himself, SCREAMS into a cushion and unleashes a fuck-stream like no other* Then his expression at the screwdriver bit.

* Immediately after the above moment, the nerd gets stuck again, this time on a wall.

* Start the game dead: [[{{Mondegreen}} PHUCKEWE]]

* James Rolfe is ''also'' probably the first person in history to say that a games controls are like "trying to get a horse to wipe it's ass on an eagle".

--> "It does look like shit."

--> "It's a perfect analogy! An over budget, overhyped movie turned into a game on a gimmicky overpriced anal atom bomb of a console exploding with diarrhea!"

-->'''Nerd''': Now, as far as the attacks go, he has like this weird bitch-slap.
--> *cue the Lion swatting at the Nerd*

--> '''Nerd''': Hey man, did you just swear?\\

--> '''Nerd''': The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

--> '''Nerd''': Let's try ''Mission X''. More like ''Mission ASS.''

--> '''Nerd''': The picture reminds me of Slim Goodbody. [[LampshadeTheObscureReference I can't believe I'm making that kind of reference.]] But anyway, you control a barely visible dot on the screen moving around the human body. There's spiders and clouds floating around, and I doubt this thing's medically accurate. You just explore all the guts, technically making it the goriest game ever made. But, it only goes so far. I guess the piss and shit zone just didn't do it.

--> '''Nerd''': All right, fuck the game, let's try ''Bomb Squad''.

--> '''Nerd''': Well, I would make some comment about diarrhea or something, but it's actually a pretty good platforming game.

--> '''Nerd''': In the balloon game, all you gotta do is match the letters. See, that's a "T" up there, so all I do is I just grab the "T", I match them up, and there you go. You win. It's pretty hard, right?

--> '''Nerd''': I guess you're Robin Hood and you're just shooting the fuck out of people with your arrows. [[ArtStyleDissonance Man, all this violence going on, but the sun is just smiling away.]]

--> '''Nerd''': Oh man that pilot's drunk as shit!

* The Nerd reanacting his first impressions of watching The Wizard on opening day has an amusing highlight or two...
--> '''Nerd''': (Fred Savage appears onscreen) Who the hell are you? Go back to [[Series/TheWonderYears The Freaking Wonder Years]] you piece of shit!

--> '''Nerd''': Bullshit! What a bunch of fucking bullshit!

--> '''Nerd''': Come on, you piece of shit... come on, ''MOVE YOUR ASS!''

--> '''Nerd''': Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, "you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell." That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The "N"? Necronomicon?? The "P" must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In ''Film/TheWizard'', the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.\\

-->'''Nerd''': Holy shit!
-->'''Super Mecha Death Christ''': *shoots the Nerd* [[HypocriticalHumor WATCH YOUR FUCKIN' LANGUAGE!]]

--> '''Nerd''': It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their rooms, and that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear all this thumping and shit; they hated it! Cats and dogs would piss and shit all over it. In fact, just thinking about it, [[CallBack makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.]]

--> "Let's try the cat. Get on there, ya little bastard."
--> (The cat stands on the Roll & Rocker and makes it wobble a little, then climbs off and starts sniffing a cable)
--> "Cat's like '[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Fuck that shit!]]'"

--> [[RunningGag AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!"]]

--> '''Nerd''': Wow. how complicated can it be for an Atari game? Let alone that this is one of the few Atari games you can actually beat, where as most of them are just about trying to get a high score. And when I say can be beat, that's hypothetical, because honestly I think it'd be easier to find the ''real'' lost Ark. Just the fact that you have to feel around secret passage ways and stuff, it makes you feel like Indiana Jones. ({{Beat}}) [[{{Touche}} Well, they got me there.]]

--> '''Nerd''': The cliffs, the platforms, the conveyor belts, everything's descending as you go down, like you're on the side of a mountain, so whenever you jump, naturally you drop. But you're sorta looking at it from a bird's eye perspective... but no, wait. Are these doors actually just rectangular holes in the ground? Is Indiana Jones walking or is he just crawling? ''(still shot of the confusing level layout)'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7O82pX2XQIQ&t=8m53s Or... huh.]] ''(tries drawing it himself but gives up)'' I don't know, I don't have a fucking clue. It's like they couldn't decide if they were making a 3D or a 2D platformer, so what you get is like a hybrid.

--> '''Nerd''': Who would want to play this? I'd rather drink buffalo shizz. That's a combination of shit and jizz. Yeah, that's foul, I apologize.

--> '''Nerd''': What's up with Indiana Jones? Looks like a Park Ranger and walks like he just dumped ass.

-->'''Nerd''': Wait, who's this? Fred Fudges..Fred Fuchs?? Fred Fuchs?! Fred Fuchs! Oh my god, Fred Fuchs! Oh my God, it's Fred Fuchs! Ohhhohoho, Fred Fuchs!

--> '''Nerd''': Then you fight Dracula. Yeah, Dracula's in this game. His arm looks all cockeyed, looks like a dick, like his hand is a dickhead. Heh, dickhead.
* Unable to get past the vine section with its poor collision detection, the Nerd resorts to using Game Genie. Unfortunately the Codes are inexplicably useless and even make the game ''harder.''

** Invincibility After Losing First Life: [[{{ReadTheFinePrint}} May cause the game to freeze]]

[[caption-width-right:350:The calm before the storm]]

[[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerd Main]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdPilots Pilots]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonOne Season One]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTwo Season Two]] | '''Season Three''' | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFour Season Four]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFive Season Five]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonSix Season Six]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonSeven Season Seven]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonEight Season Eight]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonNine Season Nine]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTen Season Ten]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonEleven Season Eleven]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonTwelve Season Twelve]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonThirteen Season Thirteen]] | [[Funny/TheAngryVideoGameNerdSeasonFourteen Season Fourteen]] | [[Funny/AngryVideoGameNerdTheMovie The Movie]]

* In the end, the nerd flies into space and throws the N64 cartridge into the sun.

* "Kill all babies. '''Kill all babies?''' I'm playing a Nintendo game that has the words 'Kill all babies' in it?"

* "This is the reason Game Genie was invented! I've been playing this game for twenty fucking years and I still can't get past the first stage! So why am I still trying? I dunno, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. "A sucker for dick"? That didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name! They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they slapped the name ''Dick Tracy'' on it just like slapping their own greedy dicks. Well if this game is dick, then we were the balls!"

* Mike Matei as SelfDemonstrating/TheJoker.

* While discussing Menace Beach, the Nerd brings up that inbetween levels, a graphic of the protagonist’s girlfriend appears, gradually losing more and more clothes as the game progresses.
--> '''Nerd''': But the funny thing is that it’s a strangely effective way to get you to play the game because just for curiosity sake, it makes you wonder. How much of her clothes are going to come off? It’s like “Hey, we got this horrible shitty game but there’s a girl taking her clothes off so you gotta keep playing”. How did this turn into a Bible game?!

** And when he fights the final boss: