History Funny / IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice

** The Harlequins's reaction to Magnus's second attempt at comedy? Call him cringe, which is subtitles as [[horrible jeering clown noise]].

** The Harlequins calling Magnus "Wide Ahriman".
* Ephrael Stern's reappearance has her ''completely in awe'' at how large Magnus is, evidently completely uncaring that he's a ''Daemon Primarch'', exactly what her duties order her to kill without remorse or hesitation. Magnus, on the other hand, is considerably less enthused when touching her gives him the holy equivalent of a nasty static shock.

-->'''Grey Knight:''' [[ThePaladin The Grey Knights]] and the [[DemonSlaying Ordo Malleus]], present! We shall search out and kill [[SuddenlyShouting ALL OF THE DAEMONS!]]

'''Kaldor Draigo:''' *Appearing out of nowhere with an army of himself.* [[NoIndoorVoice ORDO DRAIGO PRESENT.]] [[LampshadeHanging WE WILL PROVIDE THE]] [[LargeHam HAMS!]]\\

-->'''Russ:''' Well, first off, you're probably not used to the whole ''"killing things that aren't Tau or some other pansy species"'' thing. [[TranquilFury And second off.... You. Dark Angel]].

'''Russ:''' '''What in the wolf did you just howlin' say about me, you little milksop? I'll have ye know I was throned at the top of my tribe in the Kingdom of the Russ, and I've been involved in numerous executions of traitor Primarchs and I have over 300 million confirmed kills! I am trained in wolf warfare, and I am the top [[PunctuatedForEmphasis C. Q. C.]] Expert in the entire Imperium. Ye are NOTHIN' to me but just ANOTHER NANCY LIONLOVER ''BITCH''.'''\\

---->'''Calato:''' ''*Slurring*'' Look, I'm...I'm sorry--[Cough]--bwugh. Oooh, I'm...I'm sorry for what I said before, I...It was just the old Dank Angels/Sparse Dogs rivalaraly...I didn--uugh--BUGHR--I didn't uuh...mean it personally, ya know? You're still my, uh...You're still my uncle, right?
'''Russ:''' ''*Reassuringly*'' I am still your uncle.\\

-->'''Russ:''' Daemons of Khorne are gonna [[CrossesTheLineTwice eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once yer red rage begins.]]

'''Canoness of the Order of the Sacred Rose:''' That is literally the absolute worst thing you could have said. [[SarcasmMode Thank you.]]\\

-->'''Russ:''' I feel that yer very presence is enough to show why [[ButtMonkey ye really shouldn't be here.]]
'''Guardsman:''' I agree. *Explodes randomly*\\

-->'''Russ:''' The lot of ye are not gonna survive a single sunrise in the Warp at this rate.

'''Draigo:''' ''(floating above them and shining golden)'' I AM ONE!\\

-->'''Fyodor:''' *clearly worried* What are those beverages made of?

'''Russ:''' [[SuddenlyShouting YES YA BLEEDIN' SOUPHEAD, DRINK THE WOLFIN' CHAOS!]]\\

-->'''Adrielle:''' Ooooh myyyyy... *Collapses to the floor* [[InterspeciesRomance Broodlord]][[FoeYayShipping -kuuuuun~]]...

'''Fyodor:''' Oh... ''oooohhh''... ''holy'' thrones on a... [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment throne on a... throne...]] I feel... '''''AMAZING'''''.\\

-->'''Fyodor:''' YEHEHAAH! I give that 15 out of 10...virus...bombings...
'''Grey Knight Inquisitor:''' SSSSSÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅSSSS!\\

-->'''Adrielle:''' I KNEW IT [ATTACK SCREAM]
'''Kairos:''' AAAAAAAAAAA! NO!! NOT THE FACE!\\

* "Slave says what?"

* Dorn's reaction to being told the Imperial Palace was being spied on: he hurls aside the table and immediately begins drilling down into the floor with his Centurion suit's drill arms.
-->'''Dorn''': '''I AM REINSTALLING THE PALACE.'''

** Also, in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, ''Skyrim is still somehow getting rereleases.''

** Magnus then blows up said Duel Disk, which Cegorach finds ''[[ActuallyPrettyFunny hilarious]]''.

* Fyodor/The Emperor literally killing the Dark Eldar with his kindness.

* In the first prologue of the second edition the in-universe narrator expresses shock and revulsion that an Inquisitor would openly travel with a Squat. The crew wonders why the inquisition didn't just edit it to say he was a rogue techpriest, as they did elsewhere. The places where it was done elsewhere was in the even later versions of ''this very book'' and in it's sequels (yes, there were sequels; the collective is called the ''Literature/InquisitionWar'' trilogy).

* Cogorach challenges Magnus to a game for access to the library. Magnus accepts... [[RunningGag then immediately backtracks when he sees ]] [[Franchise/YuGiOh Cegorach put on a Duel Disk]].

* Magnus can't pronounce Cegorach's name, and at one point slips and calls him [[Franchise/DragonBall Kakarot]].
-->'''Magnus''': Damn you, Honk God, how do you pronounce your evil, horrible clown name?!

** Apparently, Magnus thinks being pedantic is satire, as his attempt at comedy - riffing on a classic Eldar story and pointing out cliches - is a clear TakeThat to CinemaSins.

* Apparently, Magnus thinks being pedantic is satire, as his attempt at comedy - riffing on a classic Eldar story and pointing out cliches - is a clear TakeThat to CinemaSins.

* Dorn's reaction to being told the Imperial Palace was being spied on.

* Apparently, Magnus thinks being pedantic is satire.

* To say nothing of the ending which calls back to the Teaser [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QasaekqLYgc Kitten Gasping.]]

* Kitten's gasps eventually degrade into loud shouts, he falls out of character, and lampshades the hell out of it

-->'''Eldrad:''' This really is not the time for tomfoolery, though. The Despoiler gathers his forces in the Eye...

'''Eldrad:''' -eons of corrosion shuffled off...\\

--->''Human screams horribly offscreen''
'''Vect:''' Oh hoo, well that is a fun color!\\