History Funny / House

** While at a speed dating event, Chase makes a bet with House that women aren't as shallow as men and has to act like a stupid, unemployed American jerk the entire night.
-->'''Woman''': I'm a chocolatier.
-->'''Chase''': I can tell by your hips.
*** The best part may be that despite being clearly flustered by the insult, she (a somewhat slender woman) flirtatiously ''agrees with him'', clearly still interested based solely on how attractive he is.

* The speed dating scene: House: 'I'm a diagnostician' the woman stares blankly 'I find out what's wrong with people and fix it' 'Don't all doctors do that?'
** And then Chase's American accent "I play video games."
--->'''Female speed dater:''' Professionally?\\
'''Chase:''' Pfft. ''[{{beat}}]'' I wish, bro.
** And this Chase gem:
--->'''Female speed dater:''' I'm a chocolatier.\\
'''Chase:''' I could tell by your hips.
*** And the way she is so entranced by Chase's beauty that she completely agrees with him.[[note]]In these scenes, Chase is deliberately being a jerk as part of a bet about his dating life being easy because of his good looks[[/note]]
** From the same episode:
--->'''House:''' Little girls kiss frogs and expect them to turn into you.\\
'''Chase:''' I'm not that good-looking.\\
'''House:''' Yeah, you are.\\
'''Wilson:''' You kinda are.
** From later in that episode, when Chase is complaining about women only valuing him for his looks, Thirteen deadpans, "Then date men. They're not shallow at all."
** Also, House to Chase 'God, you're pretty.' after Chase correctly deduces something in a Houseian manner.
*** Made even better by the cut to Chase looking absurdly proud of himself. He's apparently realized by now that "God, you're pretty" following a good diagnosis is House-speak for "Great job".

--->'''House:''' ''rolling his eyes and hastily switching off the [=iPod=]'' [[FailedAttemptAtDrama That wasn't nearly as dramatic as I was hoping.]]

** Vogler and House first interact in House's office, where Vogler turns off House's [=iPod=] right as the drum solo from [[Music/TheWho "Baba O'Riley"]]. The two men attempt to threaten each other. House dramatically tells Vogler that the two men should stay out of each others' way, and with a flourish, turns his [=iPod=] back on....which starts playing "Hava Nagila".

--->'''Foreman:''' She's gonna jump off the lobby balcony.
--->'''House:''' ...You think I can catch her?

* In Season 7, House and Wilson bet $20 on who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest. Wilson wins.

--->'''House:''' Is it because of the size, or the shape, or is it the pounding baseline?

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O89bXKwr4IY We're gonna cure death?]]

** The mother's goes from self-diagnosing her daughter and barely hiding her excitement at the notion of having a daughter she can tell everyone about and score sympathy points with, to horrified as she finds out her kid's condition is something she wants 'nobody' to find out about.

--->'''Foreman:''' She's gonna' jump off the lobby balcony.
--->'''House:'''...you think I can catch her?

** House deducing from one clinic patient's embarrassment and inability to sit down that there's something stuck inside his butt. House assures him that he won't be shocked. Turns out an MP3 player is in there. Cue {{beat}} from House.

** House deducing from one patients embarrassment and inability to sit down that there's something wrong with his butt. It turns out [[AssShove an iPod is stuck up his butt]].

** House's male patient has started lactating for unknown reasons. While in the midst of a differentiation, House takes a sample of the patient's milk the team had collected and ''pours'' it into his coffee. Cue collective reactions of abject horror from the team as prepares to take a drink.

--->"[[WhatAnIdiot My new girlfriend ]] [[SelfSurgery had never been with a guy]] [[GroinAttack who wasn't circumcised...]]"

** After Cuddy replaces House's Vicodin with laxatives, "I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?"

'''House:''' There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.

*** Given [[DrivenToSuicide what happens to Kutner]], this is a Crowning Moment Of {{Funny Aneurysm|Moment}}.

*** Kind of a FunnyAneurysmMoment in retrospect.

-->'''House:''' It will be more cost efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase...well I'll grab his ass too.\\\
-->'''Foreman:''' I think your argument is specious.\\
'''House:''' I think your tie is ugly.[[note]]Made even better by, after shaking his head a little, Foreman looks down at his tie.[[/note]]
-->'''Wilson:''' In some cultures it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Then again, "friend" in Swedish can also be translated as "limping twerp." *House's pager goes off* Did your pager really just go off are you ditching the conversation?\\

* Thirteen and House talking about the spud gun competition in "The Dig". It ends with Thirteen saying that they'll go for hang time and length over accuracy, and asking where the fertilizer is.

* One of the first things Thirteen does when she's freed from jail is to knee a man in the groin as House stares in shock. Made funnier because it's [[Series/{{Lost}} Damon Lindelof]].
** Complete with a brilliant deadpan Jehovah's Witnesses reference.
* When Thirteen helps House with his potato gun, but especially:
-->'''Potato Gun:''' ''[WHOOMPF]''\\
'''Thirteen:''' Aaah! ''[Gets blown onto her back]''

-->'''House:''' I need the drugs.\\

** The subplot of Wilson [[OldShame having once been in a student film that was later spliced into a porno]], and everyone in the hospital, from House to the cafeteria workers making fun of him and quoting lines from the movie.

** The cottages are discussing what case to present to House...when they see him walking towards the office with a sword.

* House discovering Wilson's OldShame porno video: "Be not afraid. The forest nymphs taught me how to please a woman." I died laughing.

-->"[[WhatAnIdiot My new girlfriend ]] [[SelfSurgery had never been with a guy]] [[GroinAttack who wasn't circumcised...]]"
*** Followed by House's reaction to the...amateur surgery.

'''Foreman:''' She's gonna' jump off the lobby balcony.
'''House:''' You think I can catch her?

-->'''Patient:''' ''[regarding Thirteen]'' ...especially since you're such a pleasure to imagine naked.\\