History Funny / HellsingUltimateAbridged

-->'''Zorin:''' ''(Poorly Contained Nazi Rage)''

* If there's a word that describes Zorin, it's 'Loud'.

* When Zorin traps Miller in an illusion, a little girl appears claiming to be his daughter... only for Miller to point out that it is simply impossible for him to have one of those, as he had a vasectomy right after high school. The girl then hastly backspaces and tells him that she's his niece, to which he responds that it is just as as impossible, as he was born an only child. Then the girl transforms into VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog with a foot-long erection. ''Only then'' does Miller break down into tears of joy and embrace the illusion.

** If you look closely, you can see that Integra is blushing, in both anger and embarrassment that she's ''actually'' having this conversation with Alucard. She blushes even harder after Alucard shuddering groans. Also, if you pay attention, it's obvious that Alucard wasn't actually [[ADateWithRosiePalms rubbing one out.]] [[{{Troll}} He was just pretending he was over the phone to piss her off.]] That or he actually ''was'' able to get off just from hearing her admit he was right. Alucard being Alucard, both possibilities are very real.

--->'''The Major:''' Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing? ''Any'' woman who commands ze respect of a beast such as Alucard is ''not'' to be trifled vis. [[ADateWithRosiePalms Fantasized about on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay?]] Most certainly. But ''not'' trifled vis!\\

'''Anderson''': Aye, kind of a mood-killer.\\

'''Seras''': ''(appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks)'' Right this way, Group B! That's right, ''right'' in front of everybody else; [[ScrewPolitenessImASenior you're eighty, you're used to it!]] We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!\\

'''Seras''': ''(appearing out of nowhere with a cluster of old folks)'' Right this way, Group B! That's right, ''right'' in front of everybody else; [[ScrewPolitenessImASenior you're eighty, you're used to it!]] We're going to look at art and pain tings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured!\\

'''Alucard:''' ''(quickly)'' Takingthepolicegirlandthefrenchman!

'''Integra:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck ''(wearily)'']] Walter, be honest with me: what are we looking at in terms of collateral?\\

'''Alucard:''' Hey guys, how's your health plan? ''(SWAT team has a FreakOut, and opens fire)'' [[PreAssKickingOneLine ''Apparently, it's GREAT!!'']] \\

'''Integra:''' What. Did you do?\\

'''Integra:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

'''Alucard:''' Hey guys, how's your health plan? ''(SWAT team has a FreakOut, and opens fire)'' ''Apparently, it's GREAT!!'' \\

'''Integra:''' ''(wearily)'' Walter, be honest with me: what are we looking at in terms of collateral?\\

'''Alucard:''' And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.\\

'''Pip Bernadotte:''' ''(with the word "NO" repeated in the background)'' Ergh.

'''Abbot Puiser''': ''(firing wildly)'' Holy fuck, bros! That's what we get for sticking our necks out!\\

'''Maxwell:''' ''JEEEEEEEEEEWS!''

'''Anderson''': ''[[ScreamDiscretionShot AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]]''

''(Cut to the statue of Christ the Redeemer, a rainbow-colored banner suspended between his outstretched hands reads [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/420_(cannabis_culture) 420]][[https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/yolo YOLO]][[https://www.ign.com/boards/threads/what-if-i-told-you-that-swag-means-secretly-we-are-gay.452750363/ SWAG]]4JESUS)''[[note]] Alucard is either saying that you only live once so people who aren't heterosexual should show it proudly for Jesus (swag could be short for swaggar) or that the catholic church is full of stoners who are gay towards Jesus (swag could also be an acronym for secretly we are gay). It's not really clear beyond the you only live once, stoner, and pride references.[[/note]]\\

'''Pip:''' But zere's [[GagBoobs so much space in here]]!

* During the credits, when the shot gets to Seras and Pip's voice actors, their names are superimposed over [[GagBoobs Seras' breasts.]]

** And thirty years later, she has her best men do extensive research (including looking it up on Wikipedia) but alas, [[BrickJoke they couldn't find exactly why the Major was a cyborg]]. [[note]]As Pip finds out thirty years later, it was the Catholic Church.[[/note]]

* "And before you ask...(''strikes a pose'') [[BigYes YES!!!]] ''THIS '''IS''' A [[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventure JOJO]] REFERENCE!!!''"

** ''(muffled)'' ''"Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is...put me between your le--"'' ''(gets PinnedToTheWall by a bayonet; ceases to be muffled)'' ''"Goddammit!"''

--->'''Islands''': [[NoodleIncident ... and while the mime]] ''[[NoodleIncident did survive, he'll never walk again!]]''

* Integra convincing the 12 to restore Hellsing's funding...courtesy of Alucard.

'''Integra:''' ''(sigh)'' Oh God...walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.

'''Hotel Clerk:''' I...want to give you the penthouse.\\

'''Alucard''': Man...I don't know what I find funnier--the Catholic Church strongarming you into helping us, or the fact that ''you obviously haven't seen what I've done to [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christ_the_Redeemer_%28statue%29 the statue of Big J~!]]''\\

* Alucard reminiscing about the days of World War II...[[VoluntaryShapeshifting when he was a]] [[GenderBender girl]] [[HandWave for some reason]].[[note]] Made even funnier by the fact that this ''was not just a joke.'' Despite what the brief flashback in the OVA would have you believe, ''Hellsing: The Dawn'', which takes place during Walter's mission with Alucard, reveals that Alucard chose to take on an ''[[DudeLooksLikeALady incredibly]]'' [[http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100419025953/hellsing/images/5/52/Hellsing-_The_Dawn.jpg effeminate appearance]] during the mission. Just to be clear, in that image, young Walter is standing next to a WWII-era Alucard, who is ''shorter than he is.''[[/note]]

'''Commander Violet''': [[FlatWhat Uh...what]]--\\

--->'''[[Creator/PurpleEyesWTF Dude Who Gets The Reference]]:'''[[note]](And yes, that's how he's credited in the description)[[/note]] And that was ''VideoGame/{{Portal}} '', by the way. That's ''Portal''. That's...where it's from.

'''Anderson:''' Oh I see. So this...is a CRUSADE!\\
'''Maxwell:''' No, nononono. We do not say that any more. We're calling it...ah...damn, what do the American cows say?\\

'''Maxwell''': Oh. I've...not heard of your order. You're...sure you're Catholic?\\

** From Canada comes...Abbot Puiser and the Crusaders of the Salvation Army.

-->'''Integra:''' Hello~o...''Police Girl...''\\

'''Zorin''': This...needs...context. [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain Let's keep moving]].

--->'''Zorin:''' Oh, nein. I vant to see how zis...''Panzers'' out?\\

'''Freud''': Yeah alright...you get to the 5-point room scan, and I'll get to the rapin'.\\

'''Heinkel:''' He...he's just under a lot of pressure!\\

* Crossing over into being awesome, Alucard entering into battle...with Andrew W. K's "Ready to Die" playing in the background, [[LeftTheBackgroundMusicOn except it's coming from the ship itself]]. And [[StunnedSilence no one does anything during his minute long entrance.]] The only one who doesn't looked shocked is Integra, who closes her eyes in a resigned expression that says "Of course he's doing that"; or alternatively, as if she's basking in the fact that now ''everyone'' gets to experience what she has to put up with.

-->'''Alucard''': Anderson! It's been only been two days but it feels like years! Aaand you! Um. How are...I wanna say [[ComicBook/{{Wolverine}} Logan]]? [-[=Andersonwhat'sthisguy'sname?=]-]\\

* When Anderson pulls out Helena's Nail, it incurs a massive OhCrap ... from ''his own forces.''

*** What's funnier is...how do we know that it's not what happened? Alucard himself did imply that his relationship with Richard was sexual too and it's not mentioned if his imprisonment isn't the same as how it went down in canon.
** There was also Integra's first reaction on seeing Alucard's body ... pointing out her father's hypocrisy on the matter.

'''Guy 1:''' Like...in tupperware containers? Because I didn't bring any.

* The Major decides to make his presence felt by parking his zeppelin right in the battle zone...invoking [[WebVideo/DragonBallZAbridged a certain grumpy half-Saiyan]] as he does:

--->'''Seras:''' And to ''you'', Walter C. Dornez...thank you for the cannon.\\

* The battle begins with Alucard and Walter leaping at each other, Alucard reaching for Walter...and getting his arm shredded.

* After being revealed as a cyborg, the Major goes on a lengthy spiel about humanity's complacency, his still being a man in spite of his alterations, and his motivations for a glorious death...all of which Integra couldn't give a shit about because she's ''very'' confused by why the Major is a cyborg.

* Seras and Integra's relationship in the DistantFinale is much like her relationship with Alucard... ...if Alucard were her snippy vampire daughter. Integra also considers Alucard a [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything "deadbeat who skipped out on us]] [[DisappearedDad for thirty years and counting!"]]

'''Becky:''' And I don't want to sound racist...but...\\

-->'''Alucard:''' ''*Maniacal laughter*'' You'll have to forgive me, I was just thinking of my favorite ''{{ComicStrip/Marmaduke}}''. That fat fucking dog. Heheh...ahhh, so I see here three anime girls. Well, I've seen enough hentai to know where ''this'' is going! The question is who the first scene, the rough middle scene, '''''and who's part of the fucking montage!?'''''

** Moments before when Seras levels the artilery cannon at The Major, rather than do the logical thing like freak out, he makes it clear that even he knows the running gag is true and essentially tells her [[BringIt to bring it the fuck on]].

'''Alucard:''' INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

---->'''Alucard:''' ''There is no such thing as an "ironic" fan of LightNovel/EromangaSensei.''\\

'''Alucard''': ''[[BuxomIsBetter GOOD!]]''

'''Pip:''' '' 'Tends, quoi...?''[[note]]Translation: [[FlatWhat "Wait, what...?"]][[/note]]\\

'''[[=@TheCrimsonFuckr=]]''': [[AC: IT'S NAZIS! [[HashtagForLaughs #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire]]]]\\

-->'''Alucard:''' Please, we both know the reason you sold your soul was because you never got to hear: ''(high-pitched female voice)'' "[[GratuitousJapanese Wal-Walter-san daisuki desu!]]" [[labelnote:*]]Translation: "I love you, Walter!"[[/labelnote]] ''(back to normal male voice)'' (laughs) You know, I mean unironically.\\

-->'''Alucard:''' Please, we both know the reason you sold your soul was because you never got to hear: ''(high-pitched female voice)'' "[[GratuitousJapanese Wal-Walter-san daisuki desu!]]" [[labelnote:*]]Translation: "I love you, Walter!"[[/labelnote]] ''(back to normal male voice)'' You know, I mean unironically.\\

'''Alucard:''' ''Because that's what you want and I'm not gonna give it to you!'' That or my pussy, but really you're dodging a bullet there. '''[[VaginaDentata Rows of teeth.]]'''\\

-->'''Jan:''' "The following is a fan-based parody. ''Hellsing Ultimate'' is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse--" The fuck is this!? You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal '''bullshit'''? No, no, no, no, no. '''Fuck. That.''' If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be MY kind of fucking line. Ahem. My throbbing vampire dick is a fan-based parody. Its shaft, balls, and scrotum are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its official release. You know you want to.

* The ''entire'' scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen. "The note on the claim said, [[AC:"I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it.]]"

---> '''Heinkel:''' ''[Beat]'' Your gun looks ridicul-- ''[Shot through the mouth]'' (thinking) FUCK! Right in the fucking mouth?! How will I eat [[GratuitousGerman schwäbischer zwiebelkuchen]]? And drink weihenstephaner hefe weissbier? And sing Halt dich an deiner Liebe fest?!