History Funny / FreemansMindSpinoffs

We cannot forget about the other Minds:

[[folder:Shephard's Mind]]
* '''Episode Zero:'''
** Taking a page out of Ross' book, Krismin made an episode 0 with the tutorial. At one point he starts singing the Smurf's theme but replaces every sound with the word "guns". Then there's his reaction to have to go through the mandatory "getting shot with a shotgun" test.
** Jackson's lack of focus and Shephard's terrible leadership skills.
** "Hey guys. Are you feeling just a little bit... [[CannonFodder expendable?]] Or is it just me?
* '''Episode One:'''
** "Is that the Sergent? I'm [[ComedicSociopathy not gonna miss a chance to see him in pain!"]]
* '''Episode Two:'''
** *finds a Vortigant with a knife in its back* "Oh my God... Is that a ''knife''?" *five seconds later* "HOLY FREAKING CRAP, IS THAT AN ALIEN?!"
** Tries to whistle, but fails.
--->'''Shephard:''' [[PrecisionFStrike FUCK]], I wish I could whistle!
** Thus starts his rein as a dropper of the ClusterFBomb.
** Shephard's a gamer.
--->'''Shephard:''' *stabs head crab* Attack the weak point for massive damage.
** [[Film/IndependenceDay I could've been at a barbecue! *kicks dead alien*]]
* '''Episode Three:'''
** The RunningGag, "Electrified Toxic Waste," starts here.
--->'''Shephard:''' "High voltage"? *throws head up* I guess this is where they make the ELECTIFIED toxic waste! It's more dangerous than the sum of its parts!
** I'm the Nostradamus of FUCKING up!
* '''Episode Four:'''
** This:
--->'''Otis:''' Fighting aliens is not on my job description.\\
'''Shephard:''' Yeah, but it probably looks great on your resumé.
* '''Episode Five:'''
** Shephard finds a phone and tries to call for help. It doesn't go well.
--->'''Shephard''': Yes, thank you, please put me on with your supervisor- NO DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD! [''slams phone''] RRRGH JUST DIE! [''fires pistol'']\\
'''Shephard''': [''calmly, to the scientist, who awkwardly looks up at the ceiling''] The phone's dead. *HardCut to intro*
** "I wanna know who this "Freeman" character is, and why he's got everyone so riled up. I bet he's like some evil scientist who drops people down elevator shafts, or collects human skulls, or something... Actually, nah, he's probably just a nerd."
** "I'm going to shove [The G-Man's] briefcase so far up his ass he'll have to open his mouth to scan his ID!"
** Shepard's ImagineSpot where he kills a trio of Vortigaunts with his bare hands. Cut to him running around and wildly firing an [=MP5=] while screaming instead.
* '''Episode Six:'''
** Okay, so your whole advice was [[CaptainObvious aliens are attacking and I should leave]]. [[SarcasmMode Thanks for the update, ]]''[[SarcasmMode dumbass!]]''
* '''Episode Eight:'''
** (Sees Freeman's Employee of the Month photo) "Yeah, yeah, how's that working out for ya now? I bet that guy's wishing he'd taken the opening of a high school science teacher right about now."
** Shephard gets choked by an Barnacle then claims he shoot the next one he sees right off the bat just AS HE WALKS INTO ANOTHER ONE.
** More electrified toxic waste.
--->'''Shephard:''' Oh for Christ's sake... You know, I just wonder what the going rate is for a barrel of electrified toxic waste. It's obviously pretty high. Maybe they're using it as some kind of alternate energy source.
** After getting shot at by Black Ops for the first time:
--->'''Shephard:''' Wait, wait! Just wait a second! It's me! It's Corporal Shephard!\\
(They continue shooting at him.)\\
'''Shephard:''' AAAHH!! I mean, I mean, I mean Corporal -- Corporal Swanson!
* '''Episode Nine:'''
** The friendly fire incident.
--->'''Shephard:''' Damn it, it's another turret. *takes a shot towards the gun forgetting the engineer in there. soldier explodes* {{Beat}} OH SHIT, I think I hit that guy's gas tank! Is he okay- *glances in and sees gibs and blood* Oh my God, not again...\\
'''Medic:''' Recon team: check in!\\
'''Shephard:''' Check in? *looks in the door* ... [[{{Understatement}} Uh, I don't think he can hear you, dude.]]\\
'''Medic:''' Man, my dogs are BARKING!
** Shephard starts taking Black Ops agents out by [[GroinAttack shooting them in the groin]] and not just the guys, but the women too!
** Shephard's many ill-advised attempts to hit on the female black-ops assassins:
--->"Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket? Because you JUST SHOT ME IN THE KNEE! OW!"
*** It doesn't help that he hits on them AFTER shooting three of their comrades in the groin right in front of them.
** Then the soldier with Shephard says the area is secure, but while Shephard charges his suit you can [[FunnyBackgroundEvent hear the soldier getting his ass handed to him by a Black Ops agent.]]
--->"Aah, what the HELL! I thought you said it was secure!"
** Shephard sneaking up on a Black Ops ambush by hiding behind a crate. Then he accidentally backs into another room in plain sight of a couple of Black Ops soldiers and freaks out and fires his gun everywhere (even better, the soldiers don't even react until he opens fire.)
* '''Episode Ten:'''
** A nice little CallBack to the Chocolate Bar.
--->'''Scientist:''' (over the intercom) It's ready, you must hurry!\\
'''Shephard:''' Who's there?! Come out where I can see you! I have a half-melted chocolate bar and I'm not afraid to eat it! ... Cause- cause it'd be good...\\
'''Scientist:''' (over the intercom) Hurry up Freeman! I can't keep it open forever.\\
'''Shephard:''' Did he just say Freeman?! OHHH, it is my lucky day, I'm going to kick this guy's ass so fucking hard! HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU BIG ORANGE FUCK/BACKRUBS! *Freeman jumps into the portal*
** Shephard has just pulled off an admittedly sweet kill, and is more than a little pleased with himself:
--->'''Shephard:''' DUDE. NICE. Ho-oh-oh, that could not have gone better for me! That was a classic decoy maneuver. He was all like, "Oh shit, a grenade!", and I was all like, "You should have been paying attention to me!", and he was all like, "Oh shit, a gun!", and I was all like, "BANG!", and he was all like, "Oh fuck, I'm dead". ADRIAN WINS. FLAWLESS VICTORY.
* '''Episode Eleven:'''
** Shephard tries to make small talk with a scientist:
--->'''Shephard:''' So, hey, do you...do you read any Terry Pratchett?\\
'''Scientist:''' ''(Killed by an exploding door)''\\
'''Shephard:''' ...Okay, what does ''exploding'' mean? Is it "yes"? Do you explode twice if you want to say "no"?
* '''Episode Twelve:'''
** The entire conversation with Barney while he's trapped in the locker.
*** "One, one, one... no. One, one, two. No. One, one..."
*** Barney revealing that the [[RunningGag electrified radioactive waste]] is an ingredient for Red Bull.
*** Even better, in Barney's Mind, Barney reveals he was bushitting that part after he goes to look for a way to get Sheppard out.
*** And after he realizes the doors opens inward and gets out, "Oh, GOD! I'm a moron!"
* '''Episode Thirteen:'''
** [[[ItMakesSenseInContext after being ported out of the floor]]]:
--->"Where are my pants?!\\
[*ZAP!*]\\
"Oh there they are."
* '''Episode Fifteen:'''
** '''ADRIAN KICKS ASS'''
* '''Episode Sixteen:'''
** (after finding out that his Spore Launcher pet doubles as a rocket launcher) [[Film/FullMetalJacket "This is my weird slime spitting alien gun thing. There are many like it, but this one is mine."]]
* '''Episode Seventeen:'''
** (Notices 4 dead marines right next to some aliens) "Come on, get up Williams! Hey! Damn it. Jones! Maxwell! (notices the fourth body) Err, ummm, Well... I don't remember your name. But you're dead too, that sucks!"
** When he's on a bridge...
--->"What the fuck does that mean, what obstruction? [notices the [[BigCreepyCrawlies Pit Worm]]] Oh. [[OhCrap SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!]]
* '''Episode Eighteen:'''
** Just before Gordon's Oxycontin fully kicks in.
--->"Oh my god, this is the single best ladder I have ever climbed in my entire life. I love this ladder, it's so... good. I just wan- I just wanna stay here. Climbing it forever. I-I'm just gonna take a minute to sit here, because of how good this ladder is. This ladder is so awesome. I want to find whoever built this ladder and just give him a hug, y'know? Wow!"
* '''Episode Nineteen:'''
** (hanging on to a ladder) "What's that ladder? You want me to take my clothes off?"
* '''Episode Twenty-One:'''
** Shephard thinks that all the skeletons in the room he is in are talking to him:
--->'''Soldier''': [''off screen''] I got a bad feeling about this mission...\\
'''Shephard''': [''thinking it's the skeleton''] AHHH! What the hell? Oh my God! I'm being haunted by the ghosts of the marines that died because of me!\\
'''Same Soldier''': I was told to guard this area.\\
'''Shephard''': [''still talking to the skeleton''] I know... you were just following orders. It wasn't your fault, marine. [''sits down next to the skeleton and starts crying'']
** Shephard's plans his squad tactics like a typical MMO game:
--->"Now here's the plan. I'll run DPS, Mr. Loudmouth is our tank, the engineer is support and crowd control, and the medic can be our personal heal-bot. I'll pull the mob into this room. Engineer, I want to see [=DOTs=] all over these guys. And Medic, watch your aggro. [''gets shot by a Shock Trooper''] Jeez! I am ''so'' not geared for this instance!"
* '''Episode Twenty-Five:'''
** And now from the season finale, a moment that is actually more of a crowning moment of awesome till the end...
--->'''Shephard''': "All right. I was never a good marine. I couldn't protect the people under my command. I never caught Freeman. I couldn't go fifteen meters without running into some insurmountable delay. I didn't earn my advanced training or even my rank as Corporal. Some guys just dropped it on me! I'm not even fighting for a cause, I just don't want to die. All the good things I did today were just because I was backed into a corner and could only keep charging forward."\\
[music starts up]\\
'''Shephard''': "If I die today, nobody's gonna remember. Adrian Shepherd might as well never have existed. And you know what? I refuse to believe that this overconvoluted clusterfuck of a disaster happened just so I could get eaten by a giant squid in a dusty ventilation shaft! So screw it. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna fight, and I'm gonna fucking win! Come and get me yo-"\\
[Music cuts off, Shepherd runs back into hiding.]\\
'''Shephard''': "Ow! Leg cramp, leg cramp, ow! Jeez! Ow, damn! Man! I really need to remember to limber up before this kind of crap. Anyway, have at you!"
** "Can I go home now? -This isn't my house." It's the delivery that sells it.
** "S-s-sorry, I got a (hhhhh) s-space leach in my th-th-throat."
** This gem: "Why is everything collapsing? What the fuck!? Was it a [[LoadBearingBoss load bearing squid?]]"
[[/folder]]

'''Barney''': "Screw roads! [[Film/BackToTheFuture Where we're going, we don't need roads!]]"\\

--->'''Chell''': I'm ''not'' crazy.
--->'''Chell's mind''': ''Yeesss yoouuu aaaarrreee...''

--->'''Chell''': Vy toof! Vy toof!
--->Following the Emancipation Grill incident: "I ''hate'' this place, with its big retarded cubes that don't even have food in them, and that computer's compulsive lying, and all the creepy stains on the floor, and the Scaffold of Death, but most of all, ''most of all'', I hate this stupid rickety elevator, and its infuriating Emancipation Grid! A plague on both your houses! And your summer homes! And your ''shower curtains''!

-->'''Shephard''': Yes, thank you, please put me on with your supervisor- NO DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD! [''slams phone''] RRRGH JUST DIE! [''fires pistol'']\\

--->'''Shephard:''' Wait, wait! Just wait a second! It's me! It's Corporal Shephard!
--->(They continue shooting at him.)
--->'''Shephard:''' AAAHH!! I mean, I mean, I mean Corporal -- Corporal Swanson!

--->'''Shephard:''' So, hey, do you...do you read any Terry Pratchett?
--->'''Scientist:''' ''(Killed by an exploding door)''
--->'''Shephard:''' ...Okay, what does ''exploding'' mean? Is it "yes"? Do you explode twice if you want to say "no"?

-->"Where are my pants?!\\

-->"What the fuck does that mean, what obstruction? [notices the [[BigCreepyCrawlies Pit Worm]]] Oh. [[OhCrap SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!]]

-->"Oh my god, this is the single best ladder I have ever climbed in my entire life. I love this ladder, it's so... good. I just wan- I just wanna stay here. Climbing it forever. I-I'm just gonna take a minute to sit here, because of how good this ladder is. This ladder is so awesome. I want to find whoever built this ladder and just give him a hug, y'know? Wow!"

-->'''Soldier''': [''off screen''] I got a bad feeling about this mission...\\

--> '''Parker''': Why does the music stop whenever I start talking?
--> '''Eos''': We need that antidote Parker! If you're not gonna help, shut up!

--> '''Barney''': (ducks beside the body) "I think I'd better check for a pulse." (stands) "Nope, no pulse." (ducks) "Maybe definitely..." (stands) "Nope, no wallet either."

--> '''Barney''': *hears techno music* "What the hell?" *walks to the door to computer lab* "...I don't even want to know." *walks away*

--> '''Douchebag''': "Are roads a recommendation too?"
--> '''Barney''': "Screw roads! [[Film/BackToTheFuture Where we're going, we don't need roads!]]"
--> '''Douchebag''': "...You're not funny."
--> '''Barney''': "Nobody asked you!"

--> '''[=EV91=]''': "...comply or you will be shot down."
--> '''Barney''': "Lies! Where's the transmit button? Oh here. Hey fighter jets, I just survived an alien invasion, SCREW YOU!"
--> '''Douchebag''': "Yeah, piss the pilot off in a million dollar fighter jet with tons of missiles."
--> '''Barney''': "Bah, they can't use missiles in here. [[BuffySpeak Too much canyon.]]"

--> '''Barney''': "Let's see if we can lose them in that canyon down there."
--> '''Douchebag''': "What?! I'd rather go to the airbase."
--> '''Barney''': "Screw that! Dig deeper in your pants for a bigger set of balls because there's no way in hell I'm going with the military! You wanna go? Fine! Door's right there."
--> '''Douchebag''': "Okay but you better not get us killed."
--> '''Barney''': "No promises!"

* Episode 15 of Felix's Mind:
--> Felix: "Aww, now that I've used [the shield recharger] so many times, [the high I was getting off of it] is starting to lose its effect. But I'd better keep moving before [[TemptingFate this morphine makes me see something I wish I hadn't.]]" (rounds a corner and sees [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Mario]])
--> Mario: "It's-a me! Mario!"
--> Felix: "..." ([[ScrewThisImOutOfHere turns right around and walks away]])

'''Shephard''': [''still talking to the skeleton''] I know... you were just following orders. It wasn't your fault, soldier. [''sits down next to the skeleton and starts crying'']

-->"Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket? Because you JUST SHOT ME IN THE KNEE! OW!"

--->'''Shephard:''' Aah, what the HELL! I thought you said it was secure!

** I could've been at a barbarque! *kicks dead alien*

--->'''Shephard:''' "High voltage"? *throws head up* I guess this is where they make the ELECTIFIED toxic waste! It's more dangerous than the sum of it's parts!

** Electrified toxic waste.
--->'''Shephard:''' Oh for Christ's sake- You know, I just wonder what the going rate is for a barrel of electrified toxic waste. It's obviously pretty high. Maybe they're using it as some kind of alternate energy source.

--->'''Shephard:''' AAAHH!! I mean, I mean, I mean Corporal - Corporal Swanson!

-->'''Shephard:''' "Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket? Because you JUST SHOT ME IN THE KNEE! OW!"

** Then the soldier with Shephard says the area is secure, but while Shephard charges his suit you can [[FunnyBackGroundEvent hear the soldier getting his ass handed to him by a Black Ops agent.]]

--> Felix: "Aww, now that I've used [the shield recharger] so many times, [the high I was getting off of it] is starting to lose its effect. But I'd better keep moving before [[TemptingFate this morphine makes me see something I wish I hadn't.]]" (rounds a corner and sees [[SuperMarioBros Mario]])

--->"Now here's the plan. I'll run DPS, Mr. Loudmouth is our tank, the engineer is support and crowd control, and the medic can be our personal heal-bot. I'll pull the mob into this room. Engineer, I want to see [=DOTs=] all over these guys. And Medic, watch your aggro. (gets shot by a Shock Trooper) Jeez! I am ''so'' not geared for this instance!"

-->[[spoiler: '''Shephard''': "All right. I was never a good marine. I couldn't protect the people under my command. I never caught Freeman. I couldn't go fifteen meters without running into some insurmountable delay. I didn't earn my advanced training or even my rank as Corporal. Some guys just dropped it on me! I'm not even fighting for a cause, I just don't want to die. All the good things I did today were just because I was backed into a corner and could only keep charging forward."]]\\
[[spoiler: [music starts up]]]\\
[[spoiler: '''Shephard''': "If I die today, nobody's gonna remember. Adrian Shepherd might as well never have existed. And you know what? I refuse to believe that this overconvoluted clusterfuck of a disaster happened just so I could get eaten by a giant squid in a dusty ventilation shaft! So screw it. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna fight, and I'm gonna fucking win! Come and get me yo-"]]\\
[[spoiler: [Music cuts off, Shepherd runs back into hiding.]]]\\
[[spoiler: '''Shephard''': "Ow! Leg cramp, leg cramp, ow! Jeez! Ow, damn! Man! I really need to remember to limber up before this kind of crap. Anyway, have at you!"]]

--->"Now here's the plan. I'll run DPS, Mr. Loudmouth is our tank, the engineer is support and crowd control, and the medic can be our personal heal-bot. I'll pull the mob into this room. Engineer, I want to see DOTs all over these guys. And Medic, watch your aggro. (gets shot by a Shock Trooper) Jeez! I am ''so'' not geared for this instance!"

** Shepard's ImagineSpot where he kills a trio of Vortigaunts with his bare hands. Cut to him running around and wildly firing an MP5 while screaming instead.

--> '''Douchebag''': "Are roads a recomendation too?"

--> Felix: "..." (turns right around and walks away)
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Courier's Mind]]
* Season 3: Episode 1:
--> Courier: Ah...another day and another job well done. I think I'll go and thank my employer for being such a reasonable guy. (enters building) [[SuddenlyShouting JACKSON, YOU PRICK! WHERE ARE YOU?!]]
* Season 3: Episode 4:
** The entire conversation with Rose of Sharon Cassidy in the bar.
** "I was joking when I said I wanted something that could make me forget the last hour! I didn't mean it!"