History Funny / AStormOfSwords

* One of the few times Tyrion and Tywin agree on anything in the books is when Tyrion discusses Robert Baratheon's proclivities and Tywin [[DumbassHasAPoint agrees with him]].

''(Tywin does what his son asked him, for once, and [[BowelExistenceFailure empties his bowels]])'']]

-->'''Varys''': Quite true. And [[TheUsurper the second Aegon]] [[FedToTheBeast fed Grand Maester Gerardys to his dragon]].
-->'''Tyrion''': Alas, I am quite dragonless. I suppose I could have dipped Pycelle in wildfire [[KillItWithFire and set him ablaze]]. [[DoWrongRight Would the Citadel have preferred that?]]
-->'''Varys''': [[ServileSnarker Well, it would have been more in keeping with tradition]].
* Stannis, after receiving word of [[spoiler: Joffrey's death]] at his wedding feast, so soon after the [[NastyParty Red Wedding]], quips that "Weddings have become more perilous than battles, it would seem."

* One of the few times Tyrion and Tywin agree on anything in the books is when Tyrion discusses [[AnythingThatMoves Robert Baratheon's proclivities]] and Tywin [[DumbassHasAPoint agrees with him]].

* In a BlackComedy fashion, Jaime reminisces as he just killed King Aerys, Ser Roland Crakehall and Ser Elys Westerling burst into the hall and an awkward silence ensued as none of them knew what exactly that.

-->Tormund: I never did, but see you don't go spreading that around. Tormund Giantsbane has a better ring to it than Tormund Giantsbabe.

-->'''Tyrion''': I seem to recall [[TheButcher Maegor the Cruel]] unmade [[HighTurnoverRate three]] [[OffWithHisHead with his headsman's axe]].

* At Joffrey's wedding, Tyrion takes his DeadpanSnarker qualities UpToEleven when he thinks:

* In a BlackComedy fashion, Jaime reminisces as he just killed King Aerys, Ser Roland Crakehall and Ser Elys Westerling burst into the hall and an AwkwardSilence ensued as none of them knew what exactly that.

* Janos Slynt tries flattery, telling Stannis he should help appoint a commander of the Night's Watch. Stannis' response is to tell Slynt that if he wants their support he should be honest about it, then going on a tirade about how corrupt Slynt was, and saying anybody, even the cook, would be better.

* Threatened with being appointed Dany's cook Ser Barristan calmly replies he would be honored and gives his qualification for the job; "I can bake apples and boil beef as well as any man, and I've roasted many a duck over a campfire. I hope you like them greasy, with charred skin and bloody bones."

* During the Brotherhood's stay at Acorn Hall, Lady Smallwood insists that [[TomboyPrincess Arya]] take a bath and dress like a proper highborn lady. When Gendry sees Arya come to dinner in a dress, he laughs so hard that wine comes out his nose and Harwin has to give him a DopeSlap.

* Jon Snow asks Tormund Giantsbane if the story about the latter killing a giant is true. [[spoiler: He had cut open the belly of a sleeping female giant to crawl inside and keep warm. When the spring came and she woke up, she "adopted" him as her child and suckled him for 3 months before he could escape. He couldn't bear to kill her after those 3 months and still misses the taste of giant milk sometimes.]]
-->Tormund: [[spoiler: I never did, but see you don't go spreading that around. Tormund Giantsbane has a better ring to it than Tormund Giantsbabe.]]

* The death of [[spoiler: Tywin Lannister]], [[spoiler:proving [[BowelExistenceFailure he does not, in fact, shit gold]]]].
-->'''[[spoiler:Tyrion]]''' ''(thinking)'': [[DeadpanSnarker Well, he was in the]] [[ToiletHumor right place for it.]]
** [[spoiler:Tyrion]]'s dismissive snark during the exchange that precedes adds a layer of black humor:
-->[[spoiler:'''Tywin''' ''(incredulous)'': You shot me.\\

* For many readers, the death of [[spoiler: Joffrey]] in the same book; after EVERYTHING [[spoiler: he's]] done is insanely satisfying and hilarious depending on how much you hated [[spoiler: the little prick]] which honestly is probably a lot. Also counts as adult fears at the same time when [[spoiler: you see Cersei's reaction to the scene unfolding before her]].

** For those following [[Series/GameOfThrones the TV show]], this becomes [[spoiler: HilariousInHindsight as Edd ends up being appointed Lord Commander by Jon who won this election]].

* When Littlefinger marries Lysa Arryn, everyone in the room below them, including [[spoiler: Sansa]] can hear them having sex. Or rather, can hear ''Lysa'' having sex, [[TheImmodestOrgasm very loudly.]] She told everyone she expected Petyr to make her scream, after all, and boy does he deliver. (Gods only knew what Petyr was thinking during this bit.)

* [[spoiler:Tyrion's]] DeadpanSnarker inner monologue when [[spoiler:Oberyn Martell has lost the trial by combat]].
--> ''I put my life in the [[spoiler:Red ]]viper's hands, and he dropped it. When he remembered, too late,'' [[CaptainObvious that snakes have no hands,]] [[spoiler:Tyrion]] began to laugh hysterically.
** There's also Tyrion's thoughts when he sees how many people have [[ComeToGawk turned up for]] [[spoiler:his trial by combat]].
-->''We should have held this in the Dragonpit. We could have charged a penny a head and paid for [[spoiler:Joffrey's wedding and funeral both]].''
** When Jaime is [[spoiler:breaking Tyrion out of prison so he can go on the run]]:

* For many readers, the death of [[spoiler: Joffrey]] in the same book; after EVERYTHING [[spoiler: he's]] done is insanely satisfying and hilarious depending on how much you hated [[spoiler: the little prick]] which honestly is probably a lot. Also counts as {{adult fear}} at the same time when [[spoiler: you see Cersei's reaction to the scene unfolding before her]].

** When Jamie is [[spoiler: breaking Tyrion out of prison so he can go on the run]]:
--->'''Jamie''': You might do well to take another name.\\

* Stannis and Selyse's less than stellar married life is easily summarized by this exchange:

-->'''[[spoiler:Tyrion]]''' ''(thinking)'': [[DeadpanSnarker Well, he was in the right place for it.]]

* The death of [[spoiler: Tywin Lannister]], [[spoiler:proving he does not, in fact, shit gold]].

-->'''Tyrion''': (''in thought'') My own wedding is looking much better in hindsight.

* Under siege by wildlings, the Night's Watch has scarecrows posted along the Wall. When the battle starts, they name the scarecrows for their absent brothers and start placing bets on which will catch the most arrows.

* Dolorous Edd on the luck of Watt, a fellow member of the Watch:
-->'''Edd:''' The gods always smiled on Watt, though. When the wildlings knocked him off the Bridge of Skulls, somehow he landed in a nice deep pool of water. How lucky was that, missing all those rocks?\\

--->''What kind of brother are you? I’d never bring no sister of mine to the Peach, that I wouldn’t.''

--->'''What kind of brother are you? I’d never bring no sister of mine to the Peach, that I wouldn’t.'''