Favorite Simpsons Quotes?

Insurance Adjuster: "Mr. Simpson, you said you were driving home from a place called Moe's? What kind of establishment is that?"
Homer (inner): Can't tell him you were at a bar. Oh, but what other place is open that late?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer (inner): Brilliant! I would have never thought of that.

Bart in a courtroom, looking at Skinner on the jury bench.

Skinner (inner): I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. When I find out you were playing hooky, your ass is mine. Beat. Yes, I think words I would never say.
Bart looks over at Homer.
Homer (inner): I know you can read my thoughts too, boy. (begins humming Meow Mix theme)

"The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show" has a lot of great lines that aren't really quoted:

"You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids - 'cause you're stupid! JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE FREAKIN' SHOW!!!"

"Let me ask you this: Why would a man whose shirt says 'Genius at Work' spend all his time watching a children's cartoon show?"

"They say I'm old fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast."

From "A Star is Burns"

Rainier Wolfcastle: Sherman! I just realized that you insulted me! Now you will die!

Jay Sherman: Uh, your shoes are untied!

Wolfcastle: From here they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look

• looks down at shoes*

Sherman: TAXI! Airport please

• fades to nighttime*

Wolfcastle: Upon closer inspection, these are loafers

You know, I have to wonder why Pit is obsessed with this site. It’s gonna ruin his life!

I don't remember which episode it was, but the first scenes went like this:

-Mr. Burns walks into his office very enthusiastically-
Smithers: Care for a cup of coffee, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Not today, Smithers. I have all the energy I need.
-an hour later, he looks very exhausted-
Mr. Burns (tiredly): Coffee...

I like to keep my audience riveted.

(now excited) "We need excitement!" It's from Mountain of Madness

"YOU FILTHY SWINE!!! I WILL KEEEEL YOU!!!

Milhouse: When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?!? *sobs*

Homer: "Quiet! You're missing the jokes!"

I feel the need to make sure we all remember Poochie's rap:

The name's Poochie D. and I rock the telly

I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli

I'm the kung fu hippie from Gangsta City

I'm a rappin' surfer, you the fool I pity!

(The line "kung fu hippie from Gangsta City" just gets me.)

edited 10th Jul '14 5:18:29 PM by Aldo930

"They say I'm old fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast."

"Rosebud"

Nelson: My old man can't get beer because his (Bart's) old man won't give a bear to another old man! Let's get him!
Jimbo: Wait, who are we getting?
(Martin comes on scene)
Martin: Ah, the first snapdragon of the season.
Nelson: Never mind, let's just get him!

Bobo the bear is excavated from an Arctic ice floe by some workers

Chief Ice Man: Apu, you have to stop selling this ice for a dollar a bag. We lost five men on that last expedition!
Apu: Well, if you know of a better way to get ice, i'd like to see it!
(Ice Men mutter in grudging agreement)
(Bart enters, gets the bag, sees the head of Bobo inside)
Bart: Hey Apu, there's a head in this bag!
Apu: Oh, a head bag! They're chock full of... (Beat) Heady goodness!

edited 10th Jul '14 7:43:46 PM by Ogodei

• Quimby: Homer, I'm uh, not sure it's a good idea to go out right now. I was thinking of spending a quiet evening at home with the... *sighs* wife.
• Homer: Oh, you're just worried about the mobsters.
• Quimby: No, no, I truly DO want to spend a quiet evening at home with the...*sighs* wife.

Quimby is such a womanizer he can't even mention his marriage without pausing out of contempt.

• Sideshow Bob: DIIIIEEEE, KRRRUSTYYYY, DI- *bonk* Ow.

Sideshow Bob's Epic Fail kamikaze mission using the Wright Brothers' plane.

edited 13th Jul '14 11:23:46 AM by Psi001

This one from "Flamin' Moe's":

(Homer is angrily pacing in the bedroom; Marge tries to cheer him up)
Marge: You know, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the face that something you created is making so many people happy.
(Homer, however, is having none of it)
Homer: Ooh, look at me, I'm making people happy. I'm the Magical Man from Happy Land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane.
(all the while, Marge is looking like this: -.-)
Homer: Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well duh.

edited 31st Oct '14 7:08:45 AM by Demetrios

I like to keep my audience riveted.

"Why are my teeth showing like that?"

"Because you're smiling."

"Excellent. That's exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for."

Of course, don't you know anything about ALCHEMY?!- Twin clones of Ivan the Great

Homer: "Why won't you go out with Bart?"
Sherri (or Terri?): "He's an ugly, smelly dork!"
Homer: "Please, ugly is such a smelly word."

Also: "Mattingley! I told you to get rid of those sideburns!"

edited 31st Oct '14 6:05:24 AM by Ogodei

I like this quote from "The Devil and Homer Simpson":

Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...

(Homer has already scarfed the donut)

Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but...

Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!

(Flanders turns into a huge demon with a deep voice)

Ned Flanders: YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

edited 25th May '15 1:59:12 PM by AHI-3000

From "The Great Louse Detective."

"I'm a people person! Who... drinks..."

"The difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy, paraphrasing Mark Twain.

It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography!

from "Mr. Plow"

This next one is from one of the Treehouse of Horrors:

Bart: Dad! You Killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer: He was a zombie?

You know, I have to wonder why Pit is obsessed with this site. It’s gonna ruin his life!

Senor Plow no es macho, solamente un borracho

Has "Our water was on fire" become of memetic status yet?

Here's a classic.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: "Animation is built on plagiarism! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn't have The Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sgt Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney."

"They say I'm old fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast."

"Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to?"

This is from "Homer Goes to College":

Homer: Woohoo, I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! [Sets fire to his GED and the rest of the room] I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!

edited 9th Nov '14 1:28:00 PM by AHI-3000

This scene from "The Wandering Juvie" always has me laughing.

• "Yes" Guy: Sir, other people have to use that dressing room.
• Homer: Dressing room. Uh oh.

edited 10th Nov '14 6:58:00 AM by HellKillUsAll

"YOU FILTHY SWINE!!! I WILL KEEEEL YOU!!!

Bump with a line from Brother from Another Series.

Lisa (crestfallen): Oh it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!
Sideshow Bob (annoyed): Oh, I understand. When it's one of my evil schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when Cecil tries to kill you, (mockingly quotes her) "It's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless".
(Lisa looks like this: -.- )

edited 30th Apr '15 10:38:35 AM by Demetrios

I like to keep my audience riveted.

• Homer: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!
• Marge: Homer, that wasn't nice!
• Homer: You see Marge, there are two types of college kids: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my job to bully the nerds. (sees a college student with a football jacket-thing on, carrying books) Hey pal, did you get a load of that nerd?
• "Jock": What?

That classic gem from Homer Goes To College.

You know, I have to wonder why Pit is obsessed with this site. It’s gonna ruin his life!

I remembered two more:

Sideshow Bob: "Dear 'Life in These United States,' a funny thing happened to me...
(as his finger bleeds freely, he sways, woozy, and collapses onto the desk)
Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
(Bob gives him an agreeing look just before fainting again)

Mr. Burns: Let us call upon the League of Evil!
(he pulls on a lever that opens up a secret supervillain lair...only for it to be filled with skeletons wearing ragged suits and military uniforms)
Mr. Burns: What the? What happened to my League?!
Smithers: Even monsters need air, sir.

Who says reality ensuing can't be funny?

I like to keep my audience riveted.

• Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic!

(curtains open to reveal the initials in big white letters)

• Krusty HEY HEY! It's great to be at the Apollo Theater and...(looks at the initials, figures out just what they could mean)...KKK? That's no good.

You know, I have to wonder why Pit is obsessed with this site. It’s gonna ruin his life!