The Official Bad Puns Topic

All of a sudden, it clicked for you, eh?

What illuminates the arctic sky and devours its own tail?

The Ouroborealis

What do you call an aunt with no kids who sells tissues?

A hanky panky.

Good meat puns are rare.

Hah, well done.

Honestly, I thought it was offal.

Eh, I don't have any beef with it.

So critical. You'd think there was something important at steak.

You guys aren't done hamming it up yet?

I believe they intend to run these meat puns into the ground.

Come on, don't be so jerky.

Women are like dwarves: feely for most of the month and killy for those few days.

I know someone who served his girlfriend camel, but it didn't go well for him, because he got the hump.

Well, at least he sounds commeated.

This writing prompt on Reddit is relevant.

There's a guy I used to work with whose name was Larry - Larry was good at his job, but was fired due to a clash of musical tastes, of all things. The boss was always putting Sting albums on in the workplace, and one day Larry just got so sick of it and snapped that he wished Sting were dead; Our boss was enough of a diehard fan that he took great offense at this remark, and gave Larry the pink slip - I had never heard from him since... Until, one day, there was a fire in the office building, and Larry was one of the firefighters who rushed to the scene. I was surprised at first, then realized his new career made perfect sense - after all, in order to put out a fire, you need a fired ex-Sting-wisher.

edited 9th Feb '15 12:19:41 AM by MikeK

I'd make an eagle joke, but it'd go straight over your heads.

the sex things about bilingual puns that you should tell your significant other

I want to try Bingo, but I've never played it B4.

Paraphrased from a news article: "Construction worker awarded for 'giving a dam' about flood control"

As part of an initiative to draw in more people, the Canadian Hockey Museum decided to have a big celebration, inviting all kinds of hockey legends and players, and advertised raffles giving away pieces of hockey memorabilia. Naturally, this would draw in a crowd, so the board decided to hold it on the day with the least visitors, making the staff quite unhappy that they would have to come in and open the museum on a Sunday just for this. But nevertheless, the board browbeat the staff into it, and the day came around. That Sunday dawned nice and cold, with hordes of visitors and hockey celebrities all there, touring the museum and cheering as each piece of memorabilia was given away - jerseys, sticks, masks, skates, even a pair of scoring nets. By the end, several former hockey players decided they wanted to organize a friendly pick-up game of hockey on the nearby frozen pond, but when they got out there, they discovered too late that they were missing an important piece, for not one staffer had given a puck that day.

Mother wanted to visit the Isle of Wight again, so now she's got a ticket to Ryde.

King Phineus of Thrace offended Zeus, who sent a pair of birds with the heads of women to torment him incessantly. Jason and the Argonauts eventually drove them away, curing him of his chronic harpies.

How do Horny Devils who don't drive get to work in the morning? They take the Succu Bus.

What do you call a snake with no clothes on? S-naked

Also, I am now about to subject all you people to "the string joke". My grandmother has been telling it for so long that there is now no family member who hasn't heard it. It is a thing of legend in our family. And it's terrible.

So, there were these three pieces of string who worked at a construction site. One day, after a long day at work, they decided to go to the new pub in town to relax. Two of the pieces of string took a table outside while the third went in to get their beers. He went up to the bar.

"Three beers, thanks mate."

The bartender wrinkled up his nose.

"We don't serve string 'ere." And he refused to say anything else. The piece of string went out to tell his mates. The second piece stood up.

"Just wait here, I'll do it. You probably misheard him."

So he went in and went up to the bar.

"Hello. Could I get three beers, please?"

The bartender wrinkled up his nose again. "I told yer little mate, we don't serve string!" And that's all he would say. The second piece of string went back to his friends and told them what had happened. The third piece of string stood up.

"Hang on, I've got this." And he tied himself into a knot, and ruffles his hair, and scuffed his feet. And then he went inside and went up to the bar.

"Hi. Three beers, please."

The bartender peered at the third piece of string suspiciously.

"Oi. Yer not one'a those pieces of string, are ya?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

...Now, was that worth it?

edited 21st Feb '15 10:55:25 PM by Murataku