Writing Sex Scenes Is Hard

So, sex scenes. Where to set them? When to have them? How to build up to them? And then there's the actual act, which, as the paragraph above shows, can be hard to describe.

I've a couple of things to add on topic though doesn't answer above questions. It's more food for thought.

First, the mechanics are straightforward enough. It's the hidden messages and meaning behind actions which makes for the complex exchange. And the thing that makes sex so powerful is the urge to connect with another person. Which is also where some of complications begin. Sex means something different to us all. It can be an expression of affection, love, fear, vulnerability, anger, power,rage, submission, even all of the above at once.

When making them, things to consider is first, don't make a sex manual. Writing about it doesn't require a thorough report unless relevant to character's state of mind & story's largest concern. We all know the physiology, what the writer needs to tell is the things that the audience doesn't know. In doing description and such, best to blend the physical with psychological.

Nevertheless, as with fiction in general, character is key. Make sure people care about characters enough to care about their sex life. With regards what to call body part related things, only the characters themselves know. Figure out how they'd approach it mentally. That and make it appropriate for the tone of your story. Take cues from your characters too when it comes to how the scene progresses. Just feel them out and what's true with them.

Another thing, your characters must want it. Or more so they want something out of the encounter. Whether they get it or not depends on your choices, but wanting something out of sexual side helps. But regardless, a truly good sex scene I think best is when it's about sex and something else. In that, it needs a purpose in the story aside from sex. It should reveal or act as a metaphor or a symbol, it can illustrate an aspect of the theme, plot, character, and their desires or dilemmas.

Finally, who the characters are to one another is essential. Exploring what their relationship they have is important. Are they a long time couple? Childhood friends? Mortal enemies? People who have just recently met? And so on.

Hopefully that all helps in some way or another.

edited 16th Dec '12 6:51:10 AM by Prime_of_Perfection

First question you should ask. Do you need a sex scene?

Second Question is... Are you sure you need it.

Third is... No really, is that integeral.

Basically, what will the scene add? If the book is erotica then yep, that's the whole point, but other than that can you cut to the sun rising?

That's about as dirty as I get! (Bear in mind the whole M/S started because I read short 'erotic' fiction on the net, and thought - this is crap, I can do better than that. 110,000 words later there isn't actually any sex in it!)

Is the aim to, ahem, cause the reader to 'hold the book left-handed'? Otherwise why do you need the scene?

edited 16th Dec '12 9:58:37 AM by LastHussar

Honestly, by that logic, there's no point in Show, Don't Tell; just summarize whatever's important, and present the naked plot. Unless you're writing an Author Tract, literature is already an exercise in unnecessariness.

I think you're being overly literal, Handle, and that what Hussar is saying is "Does the sex scene serve the story, or is it a digression for no real reason other than to have a sex scene?" Unless you're specifically writing erotica, going into the details of who put which tab in what slot, in what order, how fast, and what noise(s) it caused, doesn't serve the story.

Here's a concrete example, from a detective novel I just read: The protagonist has recently been contacted by an old friend from college, out of the blue. She offers to let him stay with her, but there's no plans on the part of either one to have it become a romantic or sexual thing. Due to somethings that happen to her, he offers to massage her back when she's scared and in pain, and it becomes an "Oh-god-I-could-have-died-but-I'm-still-alive-and-scared-and-don't-want-to-be-alone" sex thing. And the gist of the entire sex scene consists of "We didn't make it to the bed."

It serves the story. It works. When I was reading that, I didn't care what he did to her, or what position, or who screamed or moaned or whimpered or whatever. "We didn't make it to the bed." That beautifully encompassed the need and frantic-ness, and feeling, without going into the mechanics at all. Because the mechanics didn't matter. The mechanics wouldn't have served the story nearly as well.

edited 16th Dec '12 10:50:53 AM by Madrugada

Well, I'm not really interested in the mechanics themselves, either. They're, well, mechanic. What worries me is describing the very strange emotions, stirrings, feelings and compulsions that build themselves around sex. Honestly, unlike many other life experiences, nothing I've ever read in literature could have prepared me for the emotions I felt when I started experimenting the real thing. It is beyond my capacity to describe. And I've never seen an example which I could take as a model; the closest thing would be Nasu and his seafood metaphors, but that's barely one step above "mechanics".

I'm beginning to think that authors go out of their way not to look hard at the abyss of... un-rationality... that is sex. One of the things that surprised me the most is the bouts of anger and frustration and just plain lack of synch between partners; that never shows up in the idealized Hollywood Sex or the impossibly efficient Porn Sex that one usually finds in works that tackle this.

Then again, perhaps what I'm asking for is too intimate, introspective, personal. Kind of like asking for military fiction where the author goes in detail on how it feels to kill a man? That's another one that I've never properly met (not that I'd have any real experiences to compare it to, thank goodness for that).

In any case, that's why I've never written a sex scene. I've written plenty of cuddling and foreplay and other such warm and fuzzy things, but I've never gone further, simply because I don't feel my skills are up to the task. Also, a real description of sex might not be something one would want to read.

edited 16th Dec '12 11:40:11 AM by TheHandle

Handle - My point was really its hard to write good sex scenes; if its not erotica they will have a good chance of being a bit squicky, I believe the TVT word is. Its to easy either to fall into tab A/slot B territory, or end up with wierd euphamisms and/or hyperbole. You can too easily end up in 'Tom Clancy writes the Karma Sutra' territory (Soooooo tempted to start a "...writes the Karma Surta" thread now!)

Obviously there are plot points where the sex is important - Bond seducing Pussy Galore, but that is the fact it has happened. Agreed the sex can be important to a character - say a woman losing her virginity. But then you don't need to know about the sex, you are concentrating on her emotions. Possible a pwerful woman likes to be dominated, so you may want to show this as a new angle on her character, but you don't need to describe the sex too much - you can say Bob took Alice 'roughly' without necessarily describing the details; less of a sex scene than a sex is happening scene.

Sex is probably the most YMMV topic of all, and writing a scene that makes some people go yuck, even if many others do it that way and consider it normal, will only put thoose readers off.

It is an area that films have an advantage in; directors can show the couple writhing under covers, or tastefully obscured, without needing masses of description.

Remember, There aren't any awards handed out by critics laughing at the worst safecracking scenes in a book.

Safecracking? You mean, like, in The Caper?

edited 16th Dec '12 1:07:27 PM by TheHandle

I believe he's talking about things like the IFC's 50 Worst sex scenes in Cinema and The Literary Review's Bad Sex Scene nominations (which, incidentally, has been awarded annual since 1993).

From those examples, on the whole, what are the common forms in which a sex scene can be bad? What are the failure conditions?

That is a far broader question than you seem to think it is...

I'll put it like this: A well-written sex scene must make the reader feel what the characters are feeling, be they positive or negative, giving the act and the actors as much emotional verisimilitude as possible. Given what the subject of a sex scene is, doing this is extremely difficult; conversely, it is extremely easy to botch in many, many different ways.

And above all, unless you're writing erotica or porn, it has to explain something of the characters to the audience. "He slid his cock in and then thrust it in and out" tells us nothing of what he or his partner are thinking/feeling, how they relate to one another or how they are unique, interesting individuals.

I've got an idea for a scene in one of my stories that I'm thinking should be able to show the change from a platonic relationship to a romantic and sexual one - a major change in the group dynamic - without having to go as far as describing the sex act itself.

What they think of one another, how they feel, what this means to them, why they think/feel that way, the events, thoughts and emotions leading up to their decision to take their trusting, loving friendship to a physical sexual level - as well as any hopes and fears they have, can all be adequately explored whilst they're cuddling and delighting in contact with one another. The actual "what bit goes where" could be glossed over without losing an ounce of character development.

Or, put conversely, the actual "what bit goes where" would add nothing to what the cuddling etc leading up to it had already provided in the way of motivation, character development etc.

And going into detail about it after all possible information had already been revealed would just make it superfluous and at a greater risk of failing miserably as a sex scene.

Incidentally, if you want source material on 'what to do' as well as 'what not to do', an excellently-written and moderately explicit unsexy sex scene shows up in Lois McMaster Bujold's Komarr between the female lead, Ekaterin, and her estranged husband, showing just how horribly defunct their marriage has become.

2 thoughts.

first, in a fiction i wrote about a decade ago, there were 2 couples sexually active. (well the first was a interspecies love triangle) moslty fliting and inuendo, the act just being a sentence in length, with another act inferred but offscreen.

the other was shown as a tutor (female)-student(male) relationship, which later segued into a cheesy dialog scene In Media Res, followed by the youths' internal monologue about his partners' natural beauty.

plot relevant, since he was the result of decades of supersoldier research, and the children she concieves would be even more formidable.

of course, being written in the last years of clinton's presidency, it's full of strawmen arguements against casual sex and plastic surgery. even space commie terrorists were more sympathetic characters. ...just finished rereading it after misplacing it for 5 years... 94gigabite cyborgs? goddamn, Technology Marches On (i did start it after Golden Eye 64 came out and it had a cliched bond villain)

second, there are several star wars fanfics i've written one which focuses on a disfunctional kuatiprincess-telbun

exrelationship (mainly the juxtaposition of physical attraction and sheer misogynist hatred) basically, the antagonist, was driven insane by the abuse he suffered from his mistress and he became a massmurderer, and also including a horrific torture filled stockholm-lima syndrome bdsm relationship between an imperial moff (he's basically the emipre's worst monster... even i'm shocked at how evil i made him, reading through the whole story) and his young rebel prisoner (that led to her having his child, which is his ONE redeeming feature, wanting to be a proper father, he actually embodies the Papa Wolf trope, he goes get a karmic punishment in the worst possible way, courtesy of a Deus In Machina)

[seriously, all those expanded universe novels, yet no focus on war rape (aside from the implications of hutts and the slave trade)? despite all the pretty, idealistic rebel chicks? yeah, the word is used, but in the "rape and pillage whole systems" context]

edited 17th Dec '12 11:52:48 AM by ComradeClaus

Was there any point to this post? The formatting baffles me...

yes, saying the background and atmoshere are more important the physical details in sex in literature.

of course, far too many romances have "left hand reading scenes" ;)

and just a bit of reminiscing on the doorstoppers i wrote in the past

I find there's a conspicuous lack of response to my questions regarding the lack of descriptions of the non physical details of the act of sex. Everyone keeps focusing on ambience, atmosphere, preludes, context, and so on, and no-one has spoken yet of what it feels like during. Do those emotions even have names?

how about Most Writers Are Virgins?

;)

that would explain the lack of answers. ;p

Now you're just being snide.

I don't understand what you mean by "non-physical details of the act". The act is physical. It's Tab A in Slot B. The emotions are not the act.

Unless you're asking about the physical sensation generated by the physical act. If that's what you're asking, well, the plain answer is it's different for each person, and describing them in a story is subject to exactly the same questions as any other thing that is entirely subjective — how much are you willing to risk pushing away some of your readers by writing a scene that they find unrealistic? How does the scene serve the story?

edited 17th Dec '12 3:38:08 PM by Madrugada

Let me put it this way: when describing a delicious food or a great wine, do you focus on how your tongue moved around and mixed it with your saliva, on how your jaws moved back and forth, up and down, on how your lips encompassed the substance, on how your incisives tore it down and your canines shredded it and your molars ground it down... or do you talk about how the food made you feel instead? Taste? Texture? Flavour? Perfume? Aftertaste? Assimilation? Effect on the body? Burning sensation? Sugar high? Refreshment? Hunger? Appetaite? Craving? Satisfaction? Contentment? Hevainess? Need I go on?

When you describe someone coding, do you describe the Rapid-Fire Typing, or do you actually focus on what they're aiming to achieve and how they're going about it, the typing being a technical detail, an underthought? When you describe someone driving, do you focus on how their hands and feet operate the machine, or on destinations, obstacles, velocities and trajectories? Or, not even that, but rather on destinations and journeys and interactions with other people who just happen to be in rapidly-moving chunks of steel too?

It's not just the sensations. It's the entire interaction, the whole process, as seen from the inside... and all the ways it can go wrong, and all the ways it can go right, and all the ways it doesn't make sense. As for "risking your readers finding the scene unrealistic", that's really the least of my concerns.

I mean, why does one want to bite this or grab that? Why have your hips started to act as if out of their own volition? Why are you acting like someone who's frantically searching for something, or trying to go through traffic at rush hour? Why does it feel like you're racing to a destination, one up on a slopy hill, and why is it so important to get there?

And why do you feel so angry and impatient when you don't get there? Why is your behaviour temporarily comparable to that of a junkie needing their next fix? How far are you willing to go to get that fix? Why do you feel the way you do afterwards? How would you describe that way to feel? How did you react to the smells, that smell like nothing else, that are so personal? How did you react to the heat and the sweat and the raw skin on the raw skin? The muscles and flesh and bone beneath, the pulse, the breath, the sheer reality of it all, all that empirical truth being (literally?) shoved down your throat?

And then there's combining sex with limerence; how do you describe that without falling into Mills and Boon Prose? What can you say "It really was like that, I really was in heaven, it really did feel like everything was right and true and just with the world, and I only wished for that moment to last for ever and ever"?

And what about sex with someone you do not like, someone you do not even lust after personally, but who just caught you in a moment of vulnerability and lust and frustration and despair and, knowingly or not, thoughtlessly or not, took advantage of that? How to descibe the wrongness, the unfathomable, fundamental, irrational wrongness of it, of your body taking active action against your judgment, against your faith*

What about perversions? What about the appeal of things that are appealing specifically because they are frightening, that are frightening specifically because they are strange and unusual? Well, actually there's plenty of S&M and fetish literature covering that extensively. Perhaps because the authors felt a need to justify their unusualness, whereas the normal weirdness of normal sex, being so common, did not seem to merit decortication and analysis and taking-apart.

Anyway, what if the story is about sex? Not about getting the reader aroused, in the same way that fiction depicting war can be not about glorifying it. But, you know, about what leads to it, and what comes of it, and what takes place within and during. A study of sex as an angle on the human question, the human condition. Sex, the promise thereof, the consequences it carries, it drives so much of our lives... and, if Freud Was Right, all of them. Can we afford to just look the other way and turn our noses up at it? Can we afford not to look into the abyss?

And, well, I wasn't attempting to be literary here, it was just Madrugada's remarks causing me to irreflexively burst out, but would the previous paragraphs have the remotest chance of working as some character's inner monologue? Stylitstically, is the prose too purple, the phrasing too florid? Or am I getting my prose right?

edited 17th Dec '12 4:16:02 PM by TheHandle

I hate to ask this, but have you had sex yet? Not that there is anything wrong if you haven't. It's just that your analysis about a lack of emotion is fundamentally incorrect. Of course, it's subjective and unique to each person, but that's part of the part of the experience. There is more to it beyond physical pleasure. And really, all I said before, blah blah blah, see that.

Besides, fiction is about emotion. What one gets out of it, what one feels to it, person involved, etc.

edited 17th Dec '12 5:16:34 PM by Prime_of_Perfection

^^ In a work where those things served the story, any one of the paragraphs you wrote could work very well, either as internal monologue, if the POV is first person, and there are other internal monologues, or recast into whatever form the POV requires. But in a work where they're just shoehorned in because you want to have a sex scene? they won't work, no matter what form you write them in.

If describing the act itself would in some way reveal something about the characters, then it's inclusion is justified.

But the only amount of detail required is what it takes to reveal the information - and it needs to be something over and above what has been made known previously.

Knowing what noises the person makes or how they writhe or how wet they get when bits are being touched tells us little about the person - unless you're aiming to contrast that with something to be revealed. e.g. the character doesn't get fully aroused until some condition is satisfied - though why we need to know that, is anyone's guess. Does it have a bearing on the main plot of your Science Fiction masterpiece that the Star Fleet Captain only gets fully aroused if (s)he thinks someone else is watching? What has that got to do with the rest of the story.

The "We didn't make it to the bed." example above is brilliant. We know what they did (they fucked, in case you missed that point) and we also know how frantic/needy they were. That's all we really need to know to get a lot of info about them and their interpersonal dynamic.

Any number of "trembling hands fumbling with bra straps" and nipples being nibbled, throbbing heat and moistness references is going to at best not add a damned thing and at worst completely ruin it - and it's impossible to see an "at best" situation because anything more than that succinct sharp statement (mirroring the frantic, hurried nature of the sex) would definitely ruin it.

In "Logan's World", Logan is captured by Sky Gipsies and forced to have sex with 7 or 8 of them. The description went along the lines of "the first orgasm was great, the second was good, the third was not bad, the fourth was painful, the fifth was agonising..." and it never tells you what the last one was like, it leaves you to imagine what could be more painful than the previous one.

No slot A, tab B stuff there, but it got the point across.

IMHO, the key to writing a good sex scene is not to focus on the fact that they're sexing it, up, but on how and why.

And no, I don't mean "how" as in "which hole did he stick it in?" I mean, what are they feeling? Is it angry sex? Frantic sex? Comfort Sex? Glad-to-Be-Alive Sex?

Why the sex is happening should be brought about in the characters' actions.

Also, it's not all about the genitals. Hands and legs do things too.