Joke thread

Last night, I walked by an office building and saw a sign that said: "Press bell for night watchman." So I pressed the bell.

After several minutes I could hear the night watchman stomping down the stairs. He unlocked the gate, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"

So I said, "I just wanted to know why you can't press the bell yourself."

I was reminded of this joke earlier today because of a conversation about objects that are still around despite belonging to long-since-departed roommates.

There was a young married couple who care about each other deeply. They were completely committed to each other, and their relationship was built to last. However, it nearly all fell apart because of Aunt Irma. She constantly invited herself over, and refused to leave. She was generally a pain, and was extremely demanding of those around here, and she stretched the normally kind couple to their limits.

Finally, after a few years Aunt Irma died. The husband said to his wife, "Honey, I love you, but I'm glad I don't have to put up with your Aunt Irma any longer. I couldn't take it any more."

His wife replied "My Aunt Irma? I thought she was your Aunt Irma!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Visually impaired.

I just realized this joke only works you say say it out loud. Crap.

edited 14th Jan '13 7:52:12 AM by PhysicalStamina

The joke's on you, suckers!

Why didn't Hitler attend the 2012 Olympics?

Because he's dead.

Heh, you guys wanna hear a joke? ADA.

A man walks into a bar. He says "Ow."

@Physical Stamina: I just said it out loud and I sill don't get it...

@Phys: I call it a fsh.

Reminds me of 'An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. 'Oh, watch where you're going, you two!' says the Englishman.'

Okay, I gotta get in on this one... Fair note, I don't remember where I got this joke from, but oh well.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sentenced to death by firing squad. The blonde and redhead are nervous about their sentence, but the brunette reassures them by telling them she has a plan.

The day of execution comes and the brunette is first to be executed. She looks at the other two and says, "Follow my lead." The firing squad lines up their shots, and before the command to shoot was given, the brunette yells, "TORNADO!!!" She points behind the firing squad, and when they look behind them, she makes her escape.

The redhead and blonde both grin, but they hide their smiles as the redhead is picked to be executed next. The firing squad lines up their shots, and before the command to shoot was given, the redhead yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" She points behind the firing squad, and when they look behind them, she makes her own escape.

The blonde thinks to herself, "I get it now! I know what to yell when they come for me!" She's led before the firing squad shortly after. The firing squad lines up their shots, and before the command to shoot was given, the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Why couldn't the melons get married? ... Because they cantaloupe

Okay, I binged the thread and so far the one that made me laugh the hardest was Pyrite's joke. And yes, it is also a (soon to be) dead baby joke.

Derp.

edited 16th Jan '13 6:53:10 AM by dRoy

Wrong hyperlink!

I wanted to post a Star Wars joke, but I decided it would've sounded forced.

-fast ropes into the thread-

-punches Egregious One-

*Rubs jaw* Ow. Well, at least you waited until the punchline.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to visit a tree that was said to be able to tell the difference between truth and fiction. If you told it the truth, then it'd give you an apple. If you lied, it'd eat you.

The brunette went first. "I think that I am the smartest woman in town." An apple fell into her hands.

The redhead went next. "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in town." She got an apple as well.

The blonde was last to speak. "I think—" CHOMP

I'm working on a glue joke, but I'm afraid I'm stuck.

Have you heard the joke about the chandelier? You probably wouldn't get it anyway. It's over your head.

edited 21st Jan '13 1:35:28 PM by CompletelyNormalGuy

You know the elevator joke?

Me neither, I always take the stairs.

I was going to make a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

Don't recall where I heard this, but here goes:

"I don't like jokes about the JFK assassination. They're just so brainless."

Just heard this:

"My humor is so black, I could pick cotton with it."

Damn you, racist joke. xD

edited 22nd Jan '13 3:31:19 PM by kay4today

Why was the piano stuck on the porch?

Because it lost it's keys.