Joke thread:

Total posts: [1,196]
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Last night, I walked by an office building and saw a sign that said: "Press bell for night watchman." So I pressed the bell.

After several minutes I could hear the night watchman stomping down the stairs. He unlocked the gate, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"

So I said, "I just wanted to know why you can't press the bell yourself."
"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -Drunkscriblerian
Definitely not a weirdo
I was reminded of this joke earlier today because of a conversation about objects that are still around despite belonging to long-since-departed roommates.

There was a young married couple who care about each other deeply. They were completely committed to each other, and their relationship was built to last. However, it nearly all fell apart because of Aunt Irma. She constantly invited herself over, and refused to leave. She was generally a pain, and was extremely demanding of those around here, and she stretched the normally kind couple to their limits.

Finally, after a few years Aunt Irma died. The husband said to his wife, "Honey, I love you, but I'm glad I don't have to put up with your Aunt Irma any longer. I couldn't take it any more."

His wife replied "My Aunt Irma? I thought she was your Aunt Irma!"
278 PhysicalStamina14th Jan 2013 07:51:39 AM from be real, it doesn't matter aaanywaaaaaaay , Relationship Status: It's so nice to be turned on again
take a little journey
What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Visually impaired.

I just realized this joke only works you say say it out loud. Crap.

edited 14th Jan '13 7:52:12 AM by PhysicalStamina

279 porschelemans14th Jan 2013 08:10:04 AM from A Giant Hamster Ball , Relationship Status: You're a beautiful woman, probably
Avatar Sakaki Ignore cat
The joke's on you, suckers!
I'm so sorry that my avatar doesn't appear fully in the shot, but the cat was threatening the photographer.
280 Mukora14th Jan 2013 11:36:40 AM from a place , Relationship Status: Coming soon to theaters
Uniocular
Why didn't Hitler attend the 2012 Olympics?

Because he's dead.
281 MarkVonLewis14th Jan 2013 11:44:37 AM from Somewhere in Time , Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
KCCO
Heh, you guys wanna hear a joke? ADA. tongue
"Skeggǫld, Skálmǫld, Skildir ro Klofnir,"
282 maxwellelvis14th Jan 2013 02:12:18 PM from undisclosed location , Relationship Status: In my bunk
Mad Scientist Wannabe
A man walks into a bar. He says "Ow."
Of course, don't you know anything about ALCHEMY?!- Twin clones of Ivan the Great
283 MasterInferno14th Jan 2013 02:13:25 PM from Ideal City , Relationship Status: With my statistically significant other
All Pop, No Culture
@Physical Stamina: I just said it out loud and I sill don't get it...
Today's episode of Master Inferno Says Terrible Things is brought to you by...
Definitely not a weirdo
@Phys: I call it a fsh.
285 MidnightRambler14th Jan 2013 03:47:42 PM from Germania Inferior
Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan!
[up][up][up] Reminds me of 'An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. 'Oh, watch where you're going, you two!' says the Englishman.'
286 ZedOmega14th Jan 2013 09:37:27 PM from San Antonio, TX , Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
Okay, I gotta get in on this one... Fair note, I don't remember where I got this joke from, but oh well.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sentenced to death by firing squad. The blonde and redhead are nervous about their sentence, but the brunette reassures them by telling them she has a plan.

The day of execution comes and the brunette is first to be executed. She looks at the other two and says, "Follow my lead." The firing squad lines up their shots, and before the command to shoot was given, the brunette yells, "TORNADO!!!" She points behind the firing squad, and when they look behind them, she makes her escape.

The redhead and blonde both grin, but they hide their smiles as the redhead is picked to be executed next. The firing squad lines up their shots, and before the command to shoot was given, the redhead yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" She points behind the firing squad, and when they look behind them, she makes her own escape.

The blonde thinks to herself, "I get it now! I know what to yell when they come for me!" She's led before the firing squad shortly after. The firing squad lines up their shots, and before the command to shoot was given, the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
"...glad I keep a bottle of aspirin near the keyboard."
287 MorwenEdhelwen15th Jan 2013 10:40:35 PM from Sydney, Australia
Aussie Tolkien freak
Why couldn't the melons get married? ... Because they cantaloupe

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Producer X Rin
Okay, I binged the thread and so far the one that made me laugh the hardest was Pyrite's joke. And yes, it is also a (soon to be) dead baby joke.

[down] Derp.

edited 16th Jan '13 6:53:10 AM by dRoy

289 Pyrite16th Jan 2013 06:51:10 AM from Right. Beneath. You. , Relationship Status: Hiding
Until further notice
Wrong hyperlink! tongue
Not a substitute for a formal medical consultation.
290 EgregiousOne16th Jan 2013 07:17:34 AM from the Mancave of Despair , Relationship Status: Too sexy for my shirt
Dark Master of Stairs
I wanted to post a Star Wars joke, but I decided it would've sounded forced.
"What if your enemy is three inches in front of you, what do you do then? Curl into a ball? Or do you put your fist through him?" ~Pai Mei
Producer X Rin
-fast ropes into the thread-

-punches Egregious One-
292 EgregiousOne16th Jan 2013 07:22:54 AM from the Mancave of Despair , Relationship Status: Too sexy for my shirt
Dark Master of Stairs
*Rubs jaw* Ow. Well, at least you waited until the punchline.
"What if your enemy is three inches in front of you, what do you do then? Curl into a ball? Or do you put your fist through him?" ~Pai Mei
293 DrFurball16th Jan 2013 11:55:38 AM from All Along the Watchtower , Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Let's-a go!
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to visit a tree that was said to be able to tell the difference between truth and fiction. If you told it the truth, then it'd give you an apple. If you lied, it'd eat you.

The brunette went first. "I think that I am the smartest woman in town." An apple fell into her hands.

The redhead went next. "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in town." She got an apple as well.

The blonde was last to speak. "I think—" CHOMP
Weird in a CanDr. Furblog 3DS Friend Code: 5000-2746-6444
294 EgregiousOne21st Jan 2013 05:38:03 AM from the Mancave of Despair , Relationship Status: Too sexy for my shirt
Dark Master of Stairs
I'm working on a glue joke, but I'm afraid I'm stuck.
"What if your enemy is three inches in front of you, what do you do then? Curl into a ball? Or do you put your fist through him?" ~Pai Mei
Definitely not a weirdo
Have you heard the joke about the chandelier? You probably wouldn't get it anyway. It's over your head.

edited 21st Jan '13 1:35:28 PM by CompletelyNormalGuy

296 Catfish4221st Jan 2013 01:37:15 PM from world´s favourite country. , Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Bloody Fossil
You know the elevator joke?

Me neither, I always take the stairs.
I am a traveller of both time and space
To be where I have been
297 Mukora21st Jan 2013 07:16:32 PM from a place , Relationship Status: Coming soon to theaters
Uniocular
I was going to make a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.
298 BestOf21st Jan 2013 11:36:00 PM from Finland , Relationship Status: Falling within your bell curve
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!
Don't recall where I heard this, but here goes:

"I don't like jokes about the JFK assassination. They're just so brainless."
Quod gratis asseritur, gratis negatur.
Princess Ymir's knightess
Just heard this:

"My humor is so black, I could pick cotton with it."

Damn you, racist joke. xD

edited 22nd Jan '13 3:31:19 PM by kay4today

300 resetlocksley23rd Jan 2013 07:02:19 PM from Alone in the dark , Relationship Status: Only knew I loved her when I let her go
Shut up!
Why was the piano stuck on the porch?

Because it lost it's keys.
Fear is a superpower.

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