Children's Letters To Santa

Dear Laura,

seriously now. I'm going to tell you what I also told that kid who wished for a cure of cancer, the kid who wished for magic, the kid who wished for his classmates to die a horrible death.

I give you kids toys and other stuff that can be legally purchased! I'm not a fucking wizard, alright?! My workers do a hard job and we prepare to deliver the goddamn presents for a whole year. Do you gullible kids really think I deliver the stupid presents all in one night? That wouldn't work! Maths, kids. Learn it.

And what if your parents fight and divorce, huh? That's life for you. DEAL WITH IT!

Sincerely,

Santa

Dear Santa,

I uh... I don't really wish for anything. Or wait, I do have a wish! Please continue on making such a good job! You're making a lot of children happy. :3

Love,

Kay

Dear Kay,

Well this is certainly a change in pace from all the letter I get from little brats. It's always "Santa get me this" or "Santa get me that". I hate kids. But I gotta say, that last emoticon left a bad taste in my mouth. If I wanted to see people communicate via electronic gestures, I'd just get on TV Tropes. For your gift I'll give you a free trip to an English teacher. I don't care if English isn't your first language, learn the fucking language alright?

Santa

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I just want to make my family happy.

Oh, and I want a horse.

And a train.

And an Xbox.

And a supercomputer.

And a Barrett XM 500 anti-materiel rifle.

And ownership of Microsoft.

That's all I want. But mostly, I just want to make everyone happy. Please help me.

With love,

Frank

Dear Frank,

I'll give you the happy family, but that's it.

Santa

Dear Santa,

GET THESE URL ADS OFF MY COMPUTER.

From,

Physical Stamina

Dear Physical Stamina,

There are some things that not even I can give. Things like world peace, a bridge to Hawaii, or an opportunity for a telemarketer to make it on my nice list. I'm Santa, not a genie. Anyways, what I'm saying is that, while I'd love to help you, it's beyond my power.

Sincerely, Santa

Dear Santa,

I want a puppy for Christmas. I've been really good this year.

Love, Jason

Dearest Physical Stamina,

I'm sorry, but the advertising industry is too important to our operations. How else are we supposed to spur interest in toys?

-Mrs. Claus

PS: Sorry I couldn't get my husband to respond to you. He's a busy man.

Dear Jason

Sorry, but all our puppies died this year. Someone forgot to turn on the heat in the barns.

Is a snake fine?

-Mrs. Claus

Dear Santa,

Can I have a cute little bunny? Pleeeeesase?!

-Sheldon

edited 8th Dec '12 6:01:50 PM by MrsClaus

Dear Sheldon,

You can have mine. I hate dogs.

Love,

Santa

Dear Santa,

I WANNA ROCK. (ROCK.)

Holly

Dear Holly,

If you look under your Christmas tree on the big day, you'll find your very first pet rock. If only the other hundreds of millions of brats sending me letters were that easy to satisfy. Don't let the pet rock die like I did when I was your age - that was humiliating.

Santa

Dear Santa,

This Christmas could you send me something that will keep people from making fun of my name?

Richard Woodcock

Dear Richard Ridiculous-Name

Holy CRAP! You have got to be kidding me! WOODCOCK? Oh my god. You have two dicks in your name kid! What do the kids call you? Dick Woodcock? Dick Dickerson? Or just plain Cock? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Poor little bastard. For your Christmas gift, I'll give you a form for a legal name change.

Here's to a happy ending, Dick!

Santa

Dear Santa,

Kill. The Batman.

With laughter,

The Jester

Jester,

I can't kill anyone for you. You'll have to do it yourself. Sorry, but rules are rules.

Santa

Dar Santa,

I'm so happy that someone like you is spreading joy to people. I would like to spread joy as well, but I'll need a few things before I can. As such, I would like it if you could give me some of the following to aid in my quest of joy-spread.

Bright pink seesaw. Black tarp. Coat-hanger. Painkillers. Painted hand grenade. Sharks with lasers attached to their heads. A bubbling tar pit. Orange oil. Six volumes of See Spot Run. Pikachu novelty condoms. A flower pot. Six thousand golf balls. Seven hundred ant-sized saddles. Britney Spears' left shoe. Thank you.

~ Lady Twitch-Eye Jones

Oh my god this is the craziest thing I've ever typed. I mean, that was kind of the point, but... seriously. Where the fuck did that even come from?

edited 8th Dec '12 11:25:36 PM by KatanaCat

Dear Lady Jones,

That is a hideously extravagant list of items. Even with my wisdom and power I cannot fathom what such a ludicrous number of terrifying gifts could be used for. But you've piqued my morbid interest.

I'm in.

Santa.

Dear Santa,

For Christmas how about you give yourself a gift for a change? How about a change of scenery - check out the latest real estate at the South Pole. No longer will the melting ice caps trouble you with a handy continent underneath you. And polar bear attacks will be a thing of the past. With wonderful homes up for grabs at affordable prices, we hope you'll find a new home with Blake and Borinson Real Estate.

Yours,

Craig Borinson and Daniel Blake.

edited 9th Dec '12 1:42:01 AM by SR3NORMANDY

Dear Craig and Daniel,

Please stop spamming my mailbox. I'm not interested.

Santa

Dear Santa,

Please give me food. I've been eating out of garbage cans for five months now.

Your sincerely,
Penny Less

Searching the cans? So it's you who throws all that garbage in the street, huh? Get a job, punk.

Sincerely, Dudley Dursley

edited 9th Dec '12 5:54:20 AM by AnEditor

Dear Dudley,

I think you need to calm down. I'm giving you a book on anger management. Merry christmas!

Sincerely yours,
Santa

Hey Santa Claus,

Lose some weight, fatass.

Love,
Your mom

Dear "Mom",

Really now, Billy, that's not funny anymore. You know very well that my dear old Ma died five years ago. Go find yourself a new hobby, ya scrawny little ingrate, and maybe I'll bring you that Hot Wheels playset you seem to care about oh-so much.

Fuck off,
Santa.

Dear Saint Nick:
One thing's for certain,
My Pop needs help
with his chin-curtain.
Bring him some
Burma Shave.

-Joey.

edited 10th Dec '12 8:00:59 AM by MobileLeprechaun

Dear Joey,

I appreciate the concern for your dad, but this year I'm giving things out to only those under 20, whether actually or physically.

-Santa

Dear Santa,

Please give me the power to sizeshift at will with no consequences. And a set of twenty tentacle dildos.

Sincerely, Vicky A. Ginasu

edited 10th Dec '12 12:00:12 PM by Landorkus

Dear Joey,

Thank you for the lovely rhyme. Your dad will get his Burma Shave.

Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Ninja Vicky,

Sorry, but I am not the Super Power Lottery. Besides, you've already got a cool superpower with your ninjutsu.

Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa,

Please help me complete The Wall.

Sincerely,
Pink

edited 10th Dec '12 12:01:13 PM by Everzwijn

Dear Pink,

Your album sucks. I tired of hearing "Money" blaring on the raidos all the time. Get some "Jingle Bells" rolling on the car tunes, huh? Go die.

Love, Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Can I have a teddy bear?

From,

A little kid.

Dear kid,

I am touched by the simplicity of your request, but I kind of need a name to go by here. If you value anonymity, then I suppose I could just send you teddy bear-ish sentiments. It's the thought that counts, right? But otherwise, please give me at least a first name. I need to make sure you're not that jackass Billy again.

Best wishes,
Kris Kringle.

dear satan,

it,s not fairrr!!!! mom an dad tel me there not gonna get me a xbox360 if i don,t get beter grade's!!!!!!! that makes me just so mad i could say the fword!!!!!! f** see i said it that,s how mad i am rite now!!!!!!!!! your not retarted like them so get me my xbox36o so i can play cod: modarn warfair with my freinds please im not joking my parent's are nazi's gaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! if it was my fat sitser she woulda got it buy now but meh she,s gay. be a epic stanta and just get me what i derserve oh and like at least 12 games for it to.

ignore all the haterz,
larry robertson

ps i also want you to ask gabe newel if hel use my idea's for tf2 and left 4 dead lol he,s fat

LOL

Dear Fuckwit Larry

What the hell? Did you just have a brain aneurysm on a piece of paper? Did your mother drop your head on concrete like fifty times? Or are you just the typical FPS fan that I've learned to loathe so much? I'm guessing... all of the above. Tell ya what, for Christmas I'll give you a grant that covers an English summer school class- oh, and a free trip to an asylum. Merry fucking Christmas you knob.

Wishing you to grow a brain,

Santa

Dear Santa,

Kill yourself.

Love,

4Chan

Dear 4Chan,

This is why nobody likes you.

Santa

Dear Santa,

Will you teach me how to DJ?

Signed,

Stephen

Dear Stephen,

No.

-Santa

Dear Santa,

Please give my dear friend Sonic a block of C4.

Sincerely,

Nam Gge

Dear Ivo,

Please understand that Sonic is my friend.

...Besides, we both know that there's no way explosives are enough to take down that hedgehog.

But I'll cut you a break since I know you're having a hard time. I'll give you all of my broken appliances. I'm sure you can build a nifty superweapon or two out of them. Merry christmas!

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

I wanted to write you a letter.

So I wrote you this letter.

Love,
Eiichiro Oda

edited 11th Dec '12 5:09:24 AM by Everzwijn

Dear Mr. Oda,

Oh my goodness, I can hardly believe this! I'm a huge fan of One Piece! How about ol' Santy sends a fan present your way? I think my elves would be more than happy to construct a scale model of the Going Merry for you. (They're big fans as well) Thank you for making my Christmas that much more jolly!

Your #1 Fan,
Saint Nicholas.

Dear Santa,

You've heard the hippopotamus song, haven't you? It's been probably about twenty years since I wrote that one, and still no hippo. My friends and family tell me that I'm a grown man with a job now and that somehow exempts me from having my request fulfilled, but I beg to differ, as I am now more qualified to care for a hippopotamus. Please, Santa, do what my Mom and Dad could not. Make my dream of being friends with a real hippopotamus come true. I promise I'll take very good care of him, and I'll convince my girlfriend to help me.

Hoping to hear back and have hippo,
Hubert Smith

Dear Hubert

Did you get that thing I sentcha

reguards Peter Pottamus CO Kristoph Kringle

I need scissors 61

Col Campbell

Dear Colonel,

I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hara-kiri Rock.

Cerry Mhristmas!
Santa.

I actually had to Google that reference and pulled up a video. I now really want to play Metal Gear Solid. :D

Dear Thanta,

The one thing that would make me happy thith Chrithmath ith a good thpeech therapitht. I have had it up to here with thith thupid lithp. It'th gotten tho bad that it'th affecting my writing!

Thankth a million,
Jethica Thanderth

edited 11th Dec '12 1:25:22 PM by MobileLeprechaun