Runs on Awesomeness
Here, it's one I'm actually a little proud of, but I want to know what some other writers think:
Sure enough, Hinata was the one who rounded the corner into the kitchen, a hand to her head to stave off a headache. She looked up as she noticed Kiora standing by the counter. Sighing heavily, she gestured to the table.
“So,” she said, her voice much less high-pitched and squeaky than usual. “What have you figured out?”
“I... used the Chidori,” Kiora said. “I can move faster and easier than I ever have, and I don't know how.”
Hinata rubbed her temples. “You weren't supposed to find this out until tomorrow,” she said after an awkward silence. “What you just experienced is the same gene that gives us our Byakugan, though to a much sharper degree.
“Once every seven generations, a Hyuuga will inherit all the abilities and strength of the Hyuuga clan patriarch. They inherit the genetic memory of every Hyuuga ever born, which contains every technique used or seen by a Hyuuga. As you can imagine, the Hyuuga see a lot.”
“So,” Kiora said cautiously. “That means I can use virtually any jutsu that's ever been invented?”
“Not quite,” Hinata said. “There are limits, of course. You can't use any techniques that require multiple change in chakra natures; things like ice and wood styles. You also can only use techniques that you can master the requisite change in nature. If you, for instance, can't master fire chakra, then you can't use any fire techniques, regardless of how many previous Hyuuga have seen them.”
“Seems simple enough,” Kiora said. “But why did this happen now? I felt normal until I dragged Natsuko to the Hokage.”
“The gene is activated when you are acknowledged as being an adult,” the older woman said, giving a small smile. “Sakura, in trying to get you to cooperate, said you were 'quickly becoming a woman.' That activated the gene.”
“So how strong am I?” Kiora asked. Hinata shrugged.
“The Hyuuga patriarch is said to have rivaled Madara Uchiha and the First Hokage,” she said. She opened her mouth to add more, but closed it again.
Kiora sat in silence for several seconds. “What's the catch?”
“Catch?”
“You don't just go from genin to Hokage-level overnight without some drawbacks; we talked about Orochimaru in history class, and how his Curse Marks would amplify chakra but eat away at the flesh of their host.” Kiora folded her arms over her chest. “This sounds too good to be true. All this strength with no risks?”
Hinata smiled weakly, but Kiora noticed her swallow nervously.
“There's something you aren't telling me, isn't there?” she pressed, leaning forward.
“This isn't like the biju or the curse marks,” her mother said finally. “It's part of your DNA, fully within your control. If you don't abuse your abilities, there is no risk.”
Pretending to be satisfied, Kiora rocked back in her chair. In reality, she was making a mental note to visit the library first chance she got.
“Okay,” she said. “So what happens now? Am I still going with you guys on your mission?”
“That's up to Sakura,” Hinata said. “I personally don't think you need to, but if she still feels you need to be punished...” She left the sentence unfinished.
Kiora nodded. “What about Natsuko? What's being done about Naruto?”
Hinata sighed. “I'm not allowed to tell you,” she said. “Naruto's investigation is still classified, so I can't tell you anything more than what you already figured out on your own. But,” she smiled. “If you trust me, I can assure you that he won't ever hurt Natsuko again.”
Kiora practically leapt across the table to hug her mother. “Thank you,” she choked, fighting back tears.
It's probably not perfect, but it's still a draft, so meh.
edited 30th May '11 9:07:53 PM by animemetalhead
No one believes me when I say angels can turn their panties into guns.
Hm, I know a bit of Naruto (or at least enough to understand Kiora's chakra troubles). In light of it looking like exposition about Kiora's DNA trigger — and overall her underlying worries, I was engaged. It sounds like what you'll hear from the anime itself. The last part where Kiora suddenly begins tearing up and throwing herself on Hinata — I feel it turns into melodrama, and perhaps a more subdued reaction would fit in. Other than that, it is goodly.
edited 6th May '11 10:16:40 PM by QQQQQ
An accurate depiction
Regarding your piece, QQQQQ, I rather like it. It has a natural dynamic that seems to flow nicely from one emotion to another, while simultaneously demonstrating that slight undercurrent of awkwardness that nevertheless doesn't impede it. You also do quite a nice job of mixing action with words to keep the pace up and avoid 'talking head syndrome'. One minor gripe: instead of 'hands folded in front of her' at the start, I'd suggest 'before her'. Seems cleaner.
Edit: Aww, deleted. Such are the perils of slow posting.
edited 7th May '11 12:52:40 PM by Morgulion
This is this.
Ah — did you do all that from memory? I'm glad though that it made a right impression on you; I think that was what I'm going for. (And I fixed the gripe also!) I took off my writing after no response, because I fear that I'm over-advertising, having already posted it in another thread, before I've even finished that segment.
An accurate depiction
^Not quite, it was more of having it open in 3 tabs at the same time, and then forgetting to refresh them, giving me a convenient record of it. Also, I know I saw it somewhere before in a shorter form, so I had a reasonable memory of it.
Anyway, here's a bit I'd like recommendations on- anything you feel is out of place or unnatural.
I watched her as she spoke. No, there was no fear in her voice, no hesitation, just a single drive forward. True, it was slightly off from the true center, but it was the will to power that mattered. “You are strong, Itou; I do wonder sometimes about you, what gives you such power. For both Holz and I have had our share of past regrets and scars, but what made you so determined to be make yourself grow?”
She lowered her gaze, and I saw her shoulders lose their cast; she had aged twenty years in a single second. “You know, I wouldn’t tell this to anyone else, but you spoke of your wife so openly. And it wouldn’t be fair for me to hide the past from you.”
“Morals,” she said as we walked on the plain, the grass just below the level of her eyes, but reaching only to my chest. “Who needs them, right? That was the unofficial motto of the organization I obeyed an assassin.”
“Your city made an official business of murder?” I had been too far divorced from society to care anymore what games they played. Evolution tricked me again. “A corporation of annihilation?”
“It was more of a governing body,” she replied. “Set standards and worked with city governments. In return, we were precise. That was how the game was played: only the best were legal, because we would only kill the marks.”
“And the forces of order got their choice of whom to kill.”
She nodded. “That’s just as true. You know, I was the prodigy of the organization. It didn’t earn me any accolades from our older members, but it felt nice to know I was special. And because of that I never stopped to question what it was worth to me. It changed on my fifty-first contract. Right before I met Ben. I was supposed to kill a minor syndicate member. But somehow he heard that one of us was coming for him.”
I thought about asking her why we were out here, where the house was nearly invisible. But at my heart, I knew. History was best dealt with alone. Or if not alone, in the company of one who struggled with them as well.
“He hired a bodyguard, an ex-assassin.” She looked at me for a while. “He was a lot like you. A good fighter, but he was more than a bit uptight, and he didn’t like to talk too much about the world. Always philosophy.”
“You knew him well?” I asked. It took quite the professional to drill a man she did not know through the heart.
“Too well. We mingled at the gatherings the organization held. Evening balls, mandatory dinners, that sort of thing. It pissed us off, because being in public meant our enemies got free information. But we talked there for a while. Danced. I found out that we had opposite styles, he sniped, I fenced. He pointed out how cliché it was: we were completely different, we met without wanting it, we were completely different… but we kept coming back to see each other.”
“He does sound like me. I would use that line, too. And then realize that it was a stupid, stupid thing to say to a woman.”
She laughed, broken out of her memory. “Coming from you or him, it’s a lot more endearing. You two aren’t the type to live in a fantasy world. You see the real thing; it interests women, to find someone who can see through the things they weave.”
edited 7th May '11 1:37:22 PM by Morgulion
This is this.
Context: Our protagonist Rowin has returned home after a long absence and sees his mother. This is supposed to be an Opposition scene, where his mother, Lilly, attempts to convince him to stay home and resume his work as his father's apprentice. Liam was Lilly's brother, killed in action many years ago, and this loss negatively colours her perspective of military life.
Problem: I can't get around this block and make Rowin assure his mother that he's doing well and will continue to do well while making the argument possibly go either way; I can't get the argument beyond repeated rehashing of "Come home or you'll get killed." I want this scene to end with Rowin convincing his mother (and himself) that he needs to go back to his new role as Sir Scott's squire.
“I’m fine, Mother. I’ll stay for dinner and the night, but I have to go in the morning.”
“You don’t have to go. I’ve missed you so. Erica and your father saw you at the tournament and told me all about it, but I haven’t seen you since you left.” She hugged him tight and kissed him on his cheek. “Every day, I look across the table and I see an empty chair. I worry that you might get hurt. Why did you come back? Did Scott dismiss you?”
“No; I came back to get his armour fixed?”
She pulled back to look him in the eyes, fear replacing her warmth. “Fixed? What happened to it?”
“It saved him from a Blood-Kin axe.”
The fear in her eyes grew. “Blood-Kin? There are Blood-Kin in Arcania?”
“Not anymore. Don’t worry; we’re all fine.”
“Fine? No, you’re not. Don’t go fighting Blood-Kin, Rowin; sooner or later, you’ll get killed. I can’t lose you.”
“And I can’t stay here and hammer out sword blades for a living. It’s dull! I had never seen a Royal tournament until I became Scott’s squire. I rode with him to fight the Blood-Kin. That was exciting, Mother.”
“You could have been killed! I can’t bear the thought of a messenger coming to our door to tell me that you were killed in battle. Rowin, I want the last time I ever see you to be at my side with your children as I die.”
“Stop worrying, Mother. I’m sorry that I haven’t visited you. I was hoping that you’d be happier to see me after so long, and instead you’re driving yourself crazy thinking that I’m going to die just like Uncle Liam.”
An accurate depiction
I think it's not bad as is. It's good that you start with minor concerns and move to major ones. I suggest moving the thing about an empty seat to the point where she worries about the messenger, as it would create a smoother escalation. Also, if you want him to convince his mother better, pull the argument that it's about duty, not adventure. That seems like a more convincing rebuttal to fear of death. You could also have a little spiel about equality-if others leave to fight for the nation's defense, why shouldn't he?
Minor thing:
@ animemetalhead: It kinda bothers me that Hinata infodumps on Kiora so casually, I feel like it's a lot of information (and very significant information) that would probably be handled a little more sensitively in real life? I dunno if that's just me, though.
@ thread: I'll get to the others in a little bit, don't worry.
Okay, so Kevin, a Keet, is initating a conversation with Harris, who isn't really a nice guy. Which line is better:
In short, should I go the funny route or the simple route?
The funny one 
Let me now have a look at the others..
edited 10th May '11 4:13:51 PM by QQQQQ
An accurate depiction
I like the funnier one as well. It would be nice to see context, too, or maybe the bit where it'd be used.
This is this.
It's for the Shounen project, so I can't really give anymore context, except Kevin may be The Nicknamer and Kevin is saying this quite loudly...in the school hallway.
It's just that if it doesn't get a laugh, the Shout-Out isn't worth it.
Runs on Awesomeness
Right. Sorry to necro this thread, but we're having a bit of an argument in the Shonen Project over this sequence here, we're curious on getting some more opinions.
“Why are you in my room?” Claudia said nervously as her curls up more into a ball against a shelf with figurines and books lining it’s insides.
“I’ve come for you, you have something I need.” The man said in a dark serious tone.
“Your...not here to ra..ravish me are you?” Claudia said in timid tone.
“Yes.” The dark figure said as he smiled coyly and let out a slight laugh. He then reached over towards her, she saw his long pale nails approaching her and closed her eyes. The dark figure reaches past her and grabs a stone statue of a snake coiled up but ready to strike from the shelf. He then stood up and looked over her. Claudia opened her eyes and stared up at the man. He looked back down at her.
“I’m going to ravish this from you.” The man said holding the stone snake statue in his hand.
“Eh?” Claudia said confused and slightly afraid still as the beautiful young man stared into her eyes.
“Did I stutter? I said I’m taking this!” The man said in an annoyed tone.
“You don’t know what ravish means do you?” Claudia said in a relaxed annoyed tone.
“Apparently not.” The man said a bit embarrassed looking away.
Claudia motioned with her finger for him to bend down so she could tell him. The man bends down and she leans over and she whispers the meaning into his ear. He jerked away and onto his rear and dropped the snake statue in shock upon learning it’s real meaning
“What is wrong with you?! An true elf would never even think of such a thing.” The man shouted.
“It’s not like it matters this is a dream after all. It’s not like elves exist.” Claudia said giggling.
“Trust me I am very real and this is no dream. You can feel the warmth of skin just like I can feel the warmth of yours.“The man said as he grabbed her hand , and pulled himself towards her so that their faces had less than an inch between him.
“Then there is really some...random guy in my room and I just asked him if...he..was going to...” Claudia said getting beat red in a shocked tone before fainting. The man let go her slowly as she crashed lightly onto her cot.
The man sat beside her and crossed his legs, he placed his hands on his knees and sighed slightly as he frowned and zipped up his coat shivering slightly.
“It’s too cold in here....Maybe my introduction was a bit off, I suppose in hindsight I should have knocked on the window first instead of inviting myself in.” The man said taking in a deep breath.
“Hello, my name is Ásleikr Nighbache...that won’t work. Ásleikr to hard of a word to pronounce in this world.” Ásleikr said as he closed his eyes.
“What was the English version of Ásleikr again? Absha...no!” Asleikr thought to himself as he opened his eyes and smacked his right hand into his left palm. “It’s Axel!” He said with excitement.
Axel laid back a bit as he looked around the room his eyes naturally attuned to see just as well as in darkness. He noticed the posters and wall scrolls across the walls and over her door, figures line shelves all across the room. Finally he looks up and sees a set of glowing star on Claudia’s ceiling.
“Humans really are beautiful.” Axel said with a smile.
Keep in mind, this is a rough draft, I'll let the original author remain anonymous if he/she wishes. Just wanted another perspective on it. It's devolved into an argument over Said Bookism, and it's getting out of hand.
No one believes me when I say angels can turn their panties into guns.
...
The dark figure reaches past her and grabs a stone statue of a snake coiled up but ready to strike from the shelf.
...
The man bends down and she leans over and she whispers the meaning into his ear.
...
He noticed the posters and wall scrolls across the walls and over her door, figures line shelves all across the room. Finally he looks up and sees a set of glowing star on Claudia’s ceiling.
The tenses should really be more consistent. Also, whoever wrote this relies entirely on telling the reader of the character's emotions (with words like "nervous", "serious", "timid", "annoyed", "relaxed", and so on) rather than showing the character's action.
The dialogue itself gets the job done with characterization and exposition, but it's not particularly memorable—with two exceptions. I liked Axel's confusion over the meaning of "ravish", and on the other end of the scale, the ending line comes out of nowhere and falls flat on its face as a result. So, the original author just needs to take out the last line and brush up on showing for a perfectly serviceable conversation.
Anyway, if the next poster would kindly take a glance at this conversation, written in script format for your convenience. I wanted to establish an older/younger sibling dynamic, with similar stoic personalities.
K: *silent*
E: I know you're up. In two seconds you're going to think, 'Fuck you, Hag.'
K: Fuck you, Hag.
E: *waits*
K: *gets up* So... Why is T calling us saints?
E: It's a heatherby.
K: The fuck is a heather-bee?
E: *sigh* You know those old-fashioned maps? At the edge of the known parts of the sea there would be this label saying, 'Here there be dragons.'
K: Oh. Fuck.
E: Scared?
K: No. You should've just said it and spared me the damn history lesson.
E: Well, it ain't history to me, darlin'.
K: *thinks: Dragons.*
E: Now get your ass out of bed and grab a sword.
@Leradny: While these two share a quirky sense of "Oh hey, ha ha" humour, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between their character if you switched E with K. (Try it, and pretend you don't know them.) Not only do they appear having the same humour, I find they have virtually the same voice.
Ja, they must be twins! ![[lol]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/lol2v12_4863.png "[lol]"){kind=small}
Unless you intend that, I would suggest you develop distinction. Make their voices unique. One might like being to-the-point, the other can be witty as hell. (So I can't tell they're both authored by the same person.) That contrast can be the stuff of gold.
edited 30th May '11 8:37:35 PM by QQQQQ
I actually did intend for K to be imitating E, out of hero worship and genuine similarities, because the "younger (surrogate) sibling is cute and happy while older (surrogate) sibling is quiet and regal" dynamic bothers me. So, my job is done.
edited 30th May '11 8:44:17 PM by Leradny
Hm, they seem too same to me (to the point of being jarring), if you get my drift. Do you really intend K to be cloning E like this for the entirety of the story?
edited 30th May '11 8:53:51 PM by QQQQQ
Of course not, this is just the beginning of their story. K will gradually reveal youthful uncertainty, innocence, and hotblooded optimism; E will loosen up a touch and act slightly more big-sisterly, while still in rock-steady control of every situation ever.
I like Foils, and I like dramatic Character Development.
@Metalhead: Now the excerpt you've shown seems to have tense shifting and the impression that the author who wrote this seems to tell the reader how something said by someone is supposed to be inflected. It's like stage directions shoved in, when the imagination can take over. I would suggest to convey the feeling in the dialogue itself— instead of telling the reader redundant things. I suppose if you want to include action, so it doesn't seem like it's talking heads, try having gestures and actions from the characters. To bring more life into it.
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
It is good you like a character development and aluminum foils. Bring more uniqueness for these two, from the start. Something like the difference between Indigo and Violet on the rainbow, at least. It is a subtle thing to describe, but I know you understand where I'm getting at. It's so the reader doesn't have the same aftertaste of yesterday's casserole in both the spinach and beef.
edited 30th May '11 9:06:13 PM by QQQQQ
We're working on that.
An accurate depiction
If someone could glance at the piece I posted toward the start, I'd be much obliged.
This is this.
The Puzzler
@Leradny: I notice that E seems to be more of an authority figure than K, so I'm betting E is the oldest and K is the youngest.
@Morgulion: The actual speaking bits are stellar IMHO. Now when I read "She looked at me for a while." I experience a couple seconds pause, but I feel like you want it to be longer. If that is true you might want to embellish how Itou is looking at Gant, because it will convey a sense of time slowing down and communicate a bit of what is going on in her head.
Has ADD, plays World of Tanks, thinks up crazy ideas like children making spaceships for Hitler. Occasionally writes them down.
@Morgulion: I think you can spice up this good contemplative scene, with references to what the other person is thinking behind the lines, as they speak. At least one of your characters can be pre-occupied with something during a dialogue scene. Their eyes can then be distracted while the other person doesn't notice. This is a good way to pull the reader into a character's secretive world.
Hitchcock once said, “People don’t always express their inner thoughts to one another. A conversation may be quite trivial, but often the eyes will reveal what a person thinks or needs.” Try having something else going on. The endless blowing of the grass, or Itou glancing at the horizon. Little hints like that contribute highly to the immersion of a scene.
Morg: This is a quite good piece dialogue-wise. The following pieces of advice are nitpicking.
This appears to be a piece of exposition, and conveys information as naturally as exposition can, but there is a marked lack of things happening outside of speech. Only three mentions of their surroundings—and out of the four actions that take place in the present, all of them are attributed to Itou and not the protagonist.
Names and dialogue tags, while bad if overused, are nearly nonexistent here. That leaves me very unsure at times as to who's speaking, especially since it's in first person and the only way to learn the protagonist's name within this entire scene is if Itou addresses him, which really should happen—and not only for the reader's benefit. "You know, (name), I was the prodigy...", is a good place. Or, "He was a lot like you, (name)." Places like that.
Eldritch: You got that right.
QQQQQ: I like to think with prose, it's a little more obvious, but I don't think I'll be changing the actual dialogue much. I want people to think that these two are the younger and older Opposite Sex Clones, until they develop more into their own persons.
A later conversation:
E: *smile* What?
K: You... you're a girl, right?
E: Last time I checked.
K: I meant—you know what girls think and what... how they'd react to something like—never mind, it's dumb, forget it.
E: Hey. I make the calls here on what's dumb and what isn't. And you can't tell me what to forget. So spill it, K.
K: It's... about this girl...
E: What?
K: It's about a girl!
B: *from just outside the door* Hoo, boy! Did he go to the wrong woman for this or what?
T: Oh my gosh. Totally!
K: *slams door* FUCK YOU GUYS!
E: *stifles laughter*
K: You, uh. You meant 'what, are you serious' not 'what, I didn't hear you the first time.'
E: Yeah, I did.
K: Fuckity fuck fucking fuckers.
E: They would have heard you anyway. But go on. And I promise, I'll order them to forget it.
K: Really?
E: Really. Go on.
Here, if you have trouble writing a scene of dialogue between characters — whether small-talk, a heated argument or a confession of marriage — share your snippet here. I, or some kind fellow, will try spicing it up to the best of our accord; and give you some pointers to help.