Your Funniest Tabletop Story

@1322 I think you're just not imagining what I'm imagining. You know when Donald goes into full meltdown mode? He gets even more incomprehensible, starts going bonkers with rage, and starts waving his arms around like he's going to knock someone's head off?

Imagine doing that for Turn Undead.

@1323 Eh, I'll give it the start of one. But we had a prime moment for a tantrum spiral ("Let me guess... you have a great personality"), and yet it never happened. Also, no Hidden Fun Stuff (despite the lever). It wouldn't take much to turn it into a DF game.... but it didn't go quite far enough.

Oh, if we're allowed to cull from Pathfinder, I'm totally making Goofy into an alchemist. His mutagen can turn him either into Pete or into one of the hockey players from the short "Hockey Homicide." That said, there's actually a good argument to make Mickey of all characters into one (anyone else remember "Runaway Brain"... or heck, "The Mad Doctor"?)

Not every fortress unearths the HFS, but I'll give you the tantrum spiral. Maybe Urist McBride had been feeling pretty okay because even though she was humiliated by a noble recently she had also been admiring quite a lot of masterwork engravings? :P

Anyway. Branching out from Disney a bit, I'm imagining Hiccup the Science Viking as a dwarven... ranger, maybe?

I think he'd be better as an Alchemist, or even an Artificer (if you can justify one of those outside of Eberron).

Artificer would work best. He's an engineer first and a biologist second, and a chemist pretty much not at all. :P

This thread has gone so far off-topic that I think we can see the original one with a spy satellite if there's a minimum of sunspot activity. And it's more than a little bit my fault for suggesting basing an all-dwarven party on various Disney characters.

I'm somehow less than ashamed.

Still, I'll wander back on-topic for a story from tonight's Pathfinder game.

In a previous session, we stopped a half-elven wizard who was head of a thieves' guild from assassinating a friendly noble (she was arrested after being reduced to below 0 HP, then put in armor with sigils to prevent further casting). We also prevented another member of said guild from assassinating a different noble at a play. So we decided to conduct an interrogation, with my elven bard as the good cop and the half-orc fighter as the bad cop, because we're getting tired of having to save every noble's bacon (though, admittedly, it pays well).

What's great is that the GM is rolling various things to see if she can keep her composure, which she makes... but me and the half-orc's player role-play our roles so well that the GM and the other players start getting weirded out by how well we do. The GM is starting to stammer out of nervousness from the pressure we're applying. Then comes the pivotal moment, when the GM tries to take back a bit of control.

"You pitiful fool. Just wait until you see my true power."

I snapped back, "You already tried that. Remember, we stomped your ass down."

The GM just goes silent as the other players giggle. Finally he goes, "Man, she needs some ice for that burn."

After we end up leaving, after a few Diplomacy and Intimidate checks (plus the half-orc fighter administering a haircut via battleaxe), we talk with the local military captain, who has the cell said wizard is stuck in. "Wow... uh, not the usual kind of interrogation."

Me: "Oh, I know. We didn't even ask a question. I didn't have any; we just did that to unnerve her for you guys."

I dunno if that's funny to anyone else; maybe you had to be there.

Perhaps not quite hilarious, but still moderately funny, at least. Let us know if it actually pays off.

Speaking of sick burns: quite a while ago (this was the same Warehouse Incident where our gaming group got visited by the ghost of Simo Hayha) we had a mixed group going after an opponent, a Twi'lek ex-Republic Intelligence agent. We had him more-or-less cornered, got into contact with him via intercom/captured comlink, and he made a statement to the effect of "you think I'm scared of Jedi? I've killed Jedi before."

Which is when our normally-quiet Miralukan sniper^note And yes, the irony of having a blind sniper was lost on nobody 'helpfully' chimes in: "That makes you equal to a battle droid!"

The scene was put on pause for thirty seconds as the entire table, GM included, had to stop laughing. And, yes, the sniper's player got bonus EXP for that burn. (Ironically enough, a few twists, turns, and rescues later, that guy became one of the party's most valued NPC allies, and won over the hearts of us players by being a total badass.)

Well, I won't get the results of the "interrogation" for a few sessions; our group decided that we had enough nobles and went for a good old-fashioned dungeon crawl to occupy our time and give us an excuse to be out of town when one character's father (a noble that he's estranged from) is in town.

Though this led to a humorous moment. We took a job specifically to find some researchers who didn't come back from a nearby ruin. We go out to said ruin, and along the way, we spot an attempted ambush by a pack of goblins. One goblin, enterprising if not bright, decided to try and attack the half-orc fighter with just a club. This was hilariously bad on his part, as he rolled so badly that the only chance he would have had was if said fighter was naked and asleep. We started calling it the most pitiful goblin.

Then, since the goblin put itself next to one party member, the human thief decided to get in position to do a sneak attack, because that's what a good rogue's supposed to do. And to hit our pitiful goblin, natural 20, with a 17 to confirm the critical. This leads to the immortal GM question, "What's your minimum damage? I want to know if it's possible for you to not kill it." Turns out it was, but when the rogue rolls well above minimum damage, well, pitiful goblin at least met a swift end.

The fourth player in our group started making jokes about how she just felt bad for the poor, stupid goblin that just wanted to try to be a real encounter. This got us all laughing about how he was really just the cutest, most pitiful thing before the thief gutted him. Said fourth player then decided to draw the most pitiful goblin she could.

And that's how I got this new icon.

So we started playing a homebrew "XCOM with serial numbers filed off" system. And yes, someone had to say "Welcome to Earth, motherfucker!", and it was me.

Another gem was my comment "Alien cultists?! We'd have to kill half of Hollywood!" during the post-game discussion.

The rogue in my party is now equipped with "Night Hag Dominatrix Gear +6"

So, Dauv, the bartender we suspect is a demon cultist. We got that info from his last slave girl, who claimed she was being cut up as a ritualistic sacrifice. We're pretty sure she's dead now, because we failed to save her.

So, now he has a new slave girl and we figured to ask her if Dauv's up to his old tricks. We need a pretense to get her alone, so we decide to talk Dauv into whoring her out. Here's the thing, the paladin just got kicked out of the bar after he detected evil off the beer and flipped his shit, and our Russian magus had already gave the bar tender an explicit death threat to his face. Both our kender were out of commission, and also they were kender.

So, this left us with the gnome and the samurai magus, my character who I had explicitly stated had no sexual preferences and found the whole business of fornication to be hilarious. So these two talk Dauv into whoring out his slave girl, but he only agrees if we do it in the kitchen. Once there, we find a girl a bit... out of her head and, we later surmise, possessed by a lust demon.

So my character has to come up with some lies, "Me and my friend have a few odd fetishes. Among them is keeping our clothes, stop getting naked. My friend has a thing for interrogation and I have a thing for banging and yelling. Just roll with it, this is how we get off."

So, while the gnome is asking her questions, I, that is the player, not just the character, get up from the table and start stomping around, banging things and yelling.

"Yeah, take it, bitch!"
"The gnome can fit! The whole gnome!"
"UNF! UNF! HO YEAH! UUUGH!" *stomp enthusiastically on the floor* "You dirty girl!"
"EEEEYEEAAH!!!"
"I do not sheathe my sword until it has drawn blood!"

edited 22nd Jul '14 6:12:52 PM by God_of_Awesome

Wow.

You, sir, deserve a Slow Clap for "Take the WHOLE GNOME!"

Were you perhaps inspired by a certain scene?

edited 22nd Jul '14 10:52:41 PM by BlueNinja0

Oh my. That's amazing.

Did you get the information you were after?

We confirmed that Dauv is up to his old tricks again.

And then, afterwards, the gnome punched the samurai in the dick.

Why did he punch him in the dick?

The samurai is Awe's character.

Yes, I know.

A lot of the plan was my idea.

A lot of the plan resulted in a demon possessed woman trying to jump his bone while I stomped around making noises.

Okay. So this isn't quite my story, per se, but a search for some key phrases on this website tells me that apparently this story hasn't been told here yet. This is a grave error that must be rectified.

As a result, let me present unto you: the story of Boxcar Joe, the Magic Hobo.◊ (And, yes, that is the same Waffle House Millionaire of Henderson fame. Strap in, boys and girls, for you are in for a ride.)

edited 24th Jul '14 12:39:30 AM by SabresEdge

Hoo boy. Where to begin?

Homebrew system, 7 man party, and everybody is the looney par excellance. Just tonight, we had one guy who asked, "will control plants let me control the vegetables the ninjas have eaten but not fully digested?" a GMPC who showed up for the fight in a bathrobe (turns out the head of the Royal Guard likes bubble baths), and an attempted force-feeding of a love potion in combat. Oh, and when the love potion failed, the intended victim was left tied to the bed.

The wildest part? The guy who asked the "control plants" question D Ms his "anything goes" campaign on Thursdays. That party features a Commie robot scorpion with an explosives obsession, a tentacle monster who's best friends with an anime girl, a robo-tentacle monster, a recently deceased alien whose player made literally every decision by RNG, and a superhero themed around... mushrooms. So today's campaign was the tame one.

Hmmm.

You know, technically, human beings generally don't block line of effect, so I guess technically Control Plants WOULD work on partially digested vegetables.

DAMNIT WHY MUST I DOUBLE POST.

So, one of the advantages of playing 4E, and playing online, is that it allows for pretty complicated setpiece encounters. In this case, the P Cs were traveling down the river styx whitewater rafting, set to some badass TMNT Turtles in Time music. Don't question it. Basically, I could hit a button, to cause some various objects to appear/disappear on the screen, simulating movement, like in some level in a sidescrolling beat-em up. The rules of the fight were that any non-flying creature not on the raft would be left behind.

Foot clan style ninja "sewer workers" attacked at every turn, and huge groups of wraiths SUSPICIOUSLY positioned just so that they could be AOE'd were around every corner! At the end, they had to deal with this weird flying yellowish monster. So one of the players, who's been probably less useful than the others, gets fed up, uses his daily fly power, and charges it with Crater Fall, a power that pushes a target and knocks it prone. Now, the prone condition in 4E causes a flying creature to fall, aka stop flying.

So what I did was I used Maptools functionality to literally have the 2D sprite that was used as the token tumble ass over applecart, before having it slide off-screen. They basically did 1200 damage in one shot.

Then, they were in The Furance which, for no reason at all, was filled with conveyor belts and giant iron presses that pounded things on said conveyor belt. The field was set up into two sections, and they had the option after the first section to adjust the speed of the tech. One of the players said "CRANK IT UP TO 11" so I took that to mean the conveyor belt would convey creatures on it 11 times per round, and the pistons would, uhhh, piston eleven times per round. This, of course, lead to hillarious shenanigans, wherein some of the enemies ended up being very very dead, and most of them were sent careening into a garbage chute.

Still no explanation for why those things are there in the first place.

Are you sure you were playing 4e and not, say, Dwarf Fortress?