Website / Nobody Here

I'd like to apologize for all this.

Nobody Here is a website founded in 1998 by Dutch artist Jogchem Niemandsverdriet. In essence, it's comprised of a series of short stories, random musings and the occasional interactive toy. Pages will frequently have links to other pages, which themselves have links to other pages. Reader beware, you might spend a lot of time traveling through the links.

The site won for the Webby Award for Personal Website at the 2003 ceremony. It also has a forum, where everyone's avatars are bugs.

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Nobody Here provides examples of:

• all lowercase letters: The links in the main page are spelled in all-lowercase.
• The Anti-Nihilist: The whole point of "Life". Life may be miserable and a waste of time, but it sure is fascinating!
• Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: "Dreaming" shows an animation of someone repeatedly writing the phrase "i will not dream", but if the cursor is left idle for long enough, they will get distracted and begin doodling on the page until the cursor is moved again.
• Audience Participation: Some of the links invite the reader to submit content themselves.
  • "Blasphemy" tracks the movements of the readers' cursors to be played when other readers open the link.
  • "Reality" shows a dead dragonfly, with its body parts being pulled apart by ants. The ants' movements are the actions of the previous visitors.
  • "Apologies" allows readers to submit things they would like Jogchem to apologize for.
  • "Wait" asks the audience three questions, and the answers are displayed for everyone to see: "What are you waiting for?", "What are you doing in the meantime?" and "What if it doesn't happen?".
  • "Avoid" can be described as an "anti-dating" page, which asks you to name four things that they love or hate—whether by manually typing them or by selecting them from a list of previous responses—as well as adding your name. It will then produce the names of a user that you should avoid, one whose opinions are different to yours.
• Author Avatar: Jogchem frequently makes appearances in the stories, though as a silhouetted version of himself.
• Bird-Poop Gag: "Bird" is about a bird soiling Jogchem's head.
  I guess that just says it all.
• Bloodless Carnage: "Reality" features no bloodshed despite being an interactive animation about ants tearing apart a dead dragonfly.
• Body Horror: "Toes" is about a nightmare of Jogchem's. It features photos of his toenails being mysteriously gone, then regrowing on his joints, and finally some more toes sprouting.
• Broken Record: "Messages" has the answering machine repeatedly say "There are no new messages" as it's being destroyed.
• Call-Back:
  • "Trash" has Jogchem decide to explore his trash can after it starts making strange noises. Inside he finds two archeologists analyzing and tagging items from previous stories and animations. This was made as a celebration of the website's 25th anniversary.
  • "Stuff" is a poem about all the things Jogchem owns. Passing through his silhouette are images and gifs from previous stories.
  • "Homophobic" has Jogchem try to figure out which of the people he knows might be gay. His list includes his neighbors from "Raft" and "Listen", the woman in the bus from "Conversation" and the titular characters from "Vagabond" and "Mister".
  • "Dance" has Jogchem dancing along a group of teddy bears, most of which are damaged in the same ways that you could hurt them in "Bear".
• Cardiovascular Love: A flashing heart shows up in the background after completing the minigame in "Socks". Jogchem did say that socks were his greatest love, after all!
• The Chew Toy: Teddy receives a lot of damage in "Bear". Readers are able set him on fire, pierce him with screws, wrap him in wool, hurt him with a mouse trap, tear him apart with scissors, cover him in clothing pins and choke him with a rubber glove.
• Collector of the Strange: "Gum" shows us Jogchem's collection of used chewing gum that he took from strange women, as well as bits of info about what each one was like and how they reacted to him picking it up.
• Comically Missing the Point: "Homophobic" has Jogchem pay the doctor a visit, fearing that he might be homophobic and that he's subconsciously avoiding gay people since he doesn't know any. When the doctor says that this is likely due to him not having strong bonds with anyone, considering sexuality is a very intimate subject, Jogchem tries to deduce which of the people he knows could be gay, before guessing that the doctor himself is the likeliest candidate.
• Companion Cube:
  • "Chair" features a portrait of Jogchem posing next to his chair and saying that, together, they're never lonely.
  • In "Socks", Jogchem says that "socks are [his] greatest love". In the accompanying minigame, once all the pairs are assembled, the socks will merge into a vaguely human-like figure and hold Jogchem by the hand, with the two jumping excitedly.
• Couch Gag: The website's home page will feature one of eight randomly-chosen animations of Jogchem at his computer. They are: typing normally, typing in a very enthusiastic manner, leaning back on his chair, leaning forward towards the screen, typing with his fists, typing with just one finger, standing on his chair, and falling asleep on the keyboard.
• Creepy Cockroach: "Omen" talks about a cockroach that once leapt out of Jogchem's lunchbox, which he describes as "an omen foreshadowing the string of misfortunes which filled the rest of my day".
• Dance Party Ending: In "Think", by asking for a hint and then checking the help section again, you will be given the option to "try something else". This will cause the box that Jogchem was trapped in to disappear and for him to start dancing, celebrating his freedom.
• Dissonant Serenity: Jogchem remains quite calm in "Toes" despite having a nightmare that involves him growing Extra Digits. Mostly, he finds the whole situation strange and not how things should be, and only starts showing concern when he realizes that his shoes won't fit.
• Doofy Dodo: After reincarnating as the titular animal in "Dodo", Jogchem quickly keels over and dies when reminded that dodos are extinct.
• Extra Digits: Part of the Body Horror in "Toes" involves Jogchem growing extra toes.
• Eye Scream: "Eye" has the reader drag various objects (nails, screws, bullets, bees, paperclips, flowers) into a man's eye, who writhes in pain before commenting phrases such as "That's ok" and "Think positive".
  Notice the importance of a positive attitude in situations like these.
• Funny Answering Machine: "Answer" has Jogchem pretend that the other person got the number wrong in the voicemail message.
  "This is the answering machine of some other guy. You must have dialed the wrong number. Please leave your apologies after the beep."
• Get Out!: "Traces" has Jogchem write a note to his houseplant, telling it to get out because it moved things around. Then he finds another note behind the cupboard with exactly the same thing written on it.
  You dirty sneak! You don't belong here! Get out of my house or else...
• Hating on Monday: In "World", Jogchem's biggest concern about the Earth melting into the Sun billions of year into the future is that it might fall on a Monday.
• Healing Factor: Much like its real-life counterpart, the titular character in "Axolotl" can regrow its legs, gills and tail after you rip them out, which it even encourages you to do.
  "Just watch it regrow
  after that atrocity.
  Science will never know
  the key to generosity."
• Hookers and Blow: "Hermit" has Jogchem bring a hermit crab to the city, only for it to hide behind drugs, religion, money and lust. It contains a little interactive animation of the crab dancing behind beer, a pack of Marlboros, a bag of cocaine and some Prozac, among other items, which it can adopt as its shell should it lose its current one.
• Humanity Ensues: "Bat" has Jogchem wondering how the titular animal would feel about transforming into him, which would give him an unwieldy body, eyes that can't adjust to the light and ears that are unable to detect things via echolocation.
• Human Notepad: "Remember" shows the various things that Jogchem wrote in the palm of his hand so that he doesn't forget, such as "check mail", "babies are cute" and "she could exist".
• Ignorance Is Bliss: Jogchem states in "Cow" that he wishes he could be more like the eponymous animal. In the accompanying animation, dragging the mouse around will create bubbles with words such as "I", "self", "soul" and "notion", which pop when coming into contact with the cow.
  Notice the impact of abstract notions of self-consciousness on a cow. (Also, the bubbles they go 'pop'.)
• Incredibly Lame Fun: "Peace" is a memory of Jogchem as a kid in which he suggested to his friends that they play "peace", where they throw their weapons (sticks, rocks, a water pistol, a plastic tube, darts) to the ground and then leave in peace. This is defied upon realizing that his friends found the game boring—he then suggested setting the weapons on fire, much to their enthusiasm.
• Inner Monologue: "Inner" shows a visual representation of Jogchem's inner monologue—namely, that he doesn't need one.
• Insistent Terminology: "Alive" has Jogchem asking the reader to call a fly by its proper name (Calliphora vicina) and insist that it's not dead, but rather "vitally challenged".
• Iron Butt Monkey: Despite all the damage Teddy goes through in "Bear", he always makes it out okay, if a bit shaken.
• Jump Scare: In "Present", the background will turn black after playing around with the machine for a while. At this point, if the face is talking, it can suddenly cover the entire screen and make loud noises.
• Mating Season Mayhem: "Summer" is about Jogchem going to the zoo, only to find all the animals (including bugs) are busy procreating.
  I guess it's summer again...
• Named by the Dub: Inverted. Jogchem's name is only ever stated in the original Dutch version, while the English dub rewrites some sections to avoid naming him.
  Dutch original: My name is Jogchem Niemandsverdriet and I'm sorry for everything that's to come.^DutchMijn naam is Jogchem Niemandsverdriet en het spijt me van alles wat gaat komen.
  English dub: I'd like to apologize for all this.
• No Brows: "Symmetry" is about Jogchem trying to keep his eyebrows symmetrical with tweezers, only to rip out every hair instead. He hates the result, as it's hard to look serious without them.
• Non Sequitur: The first thing that comes to Jogchem's mind upon stubbing his toe against the table in "Ouch"? "A pen, a pen, quickly!"
• Offscreen Teleportation: In some of the animations on "Box", Jogchem will leave the screen from one side and then re-enter from a different place.
• Oh Wait, This Is My Grocery List: "Memo" is a list of things Jogchem wants to achieve: find a goal in life, earn money, make friends, meet the love of his life, be happy... and then the last memo is simply a shopping list.
• One-Word Title: All of the individual stories are given a single-word title on the home page.
• Puff of Logic: In "Dodo", Jogchem states that he would like to reincarnate as a dodo, upon where he'll keel over and die when someone points out that dodos are extinct.
• Red Eyes, Take Warning: You can give red eyes to the creepy girl's face in "Present", if you so desire. More pressingly, she will always have glowing red eyes during the Jump Scare.
• Reincarnated as a Non-Humanoid: In "Dodo", Jogchem states that, when he dies, he'd like to come back as a dodo to confuse people.
• Running Gag: The help tab for each of the interactive animations will often ask you to notice something about it, usually how it makes you feel.
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Regardless of whether the frog or the chicken wins in "Pet", Jogchem will walk out as a result of it growing too big to have as a pet.
• Self-Deprecation: A common theme in the stories is Jogchem's lack of self-worth.
  • "Pool" describes why Jogchem doesn't have many friends: he belongs among people "like a band-aid in a pool".
  • "Shame" has Jogchem describe how he has a lobe in his brain dedicated entirely to shame.
    It's something to be proud of, if only I had that capacity.
  • "Self" describes Jogchem's problems: jerky movements, stammering, insomnia, interrupted musings... all stem from the notion that he is himself, which feels like "a pebble in [his] shoe".
  • "Soap" compares the website's style to leftover bits of soap that you eventually plan to put together, "but you can never imagine using that ugly lump".
  • "Twin" has Jogchem comment that his twin brother got a job in advertising and eventually a home and a wife, whereas he was "left behind with [his] worthless talent to make the wrong choices".
• The Shadow Knows: In "Dodo", Jogchem thinks about reincarnating as the titular animal, which is reinforced by the visuals showing a dodo with Jogchem's shadow.
• Shaped Like Itself: "Mind" shows the page's code scrolling across Jogchem's silhouette.
• Shout-Out:
  • "Superman" has Jogchem compare himself to the famous superhero, "helplessly looking for his glasses".
  • Asking for a hint in "Think" will propose that "the only way to win the game is not to play it", referencing a famous quote from the film WarGames.
• Skewed Priorities: During "Toes", what makes Jogchem realize that growing Extra Digits is bad for him? While he's putting his socks on, it dawns on him that his shoes won't fit.
• Small Name, Big Ego: Jogchem self-describes as such in "Ego", with the the text being surrounded with golden portrait frames.
  I have a small personality, but I'm working on an enormous ego.
• Something Else Also Rises: In "Hermit", giving Herman the hermit crab the box of Viagra will make it stretch its legs to stand up straight.
• Stalker with a Crush: "Stalker" is about Jogchem stalking a woman despite him having amnesia—he can't remember her name or if she filed a restraining order.
• Sudden Anatomy: While Jogchem's Author Avatar is normally just a silhouette, he will actually show some of his appearance if required. Examples include his hip and hand in "Fat", his hand again in "Memo", his teeth in "Grind", and the titular body parts in "Toes", "Ears", "Eye", "Nose" and "Hand".
• Take a Third Option: "Pet" has a chicken and a frog fighting to see which one Jogchem will get as a pet. Regardless of who wins, Jogchem will decide to get a plant instead.
• The Thing That Would Not Leave: "Mister" is about a stranger following Jogchem into his house and making himself at home. While confused as to who he is and why he's doing this, Jogchem doesn't particularly seem to mind. This trope gets lampshaded in "Tidy", where Jogchem is too much of an Extreme Doormat to kick him out.
  What got into this man, to step in here, sleep in my chair and stick all my stuff together? I don't have to take this! I'll... I'll grab him! And then shake him! Verbally, that is... I'll tell him a thing or two... And ask him when he's going to leave.
  As soon as he wakes up...
• Unusual Pets for Unusual People: Jogchem is quite the eccentric character, so he would naturally have some unusual choices for pets.
  • "Pet" shows Jogchem undecided between getting a frog or a chicken. When one of them ends up eating the other and growing huge, he just decides to get a plant instead.
  • "Moth" reveals that he used to have a friendly moth, and was heartbroken upon finding out that it died, deciding to keep its body in a matchbox.
• Wall of Text: The website's home page is comprised of a tall wall of links to every other page on the site.
• Waxing Lyrical: The description for "Lost" reads "But I still haven't found what I'm looking for", a reference to the U2 song of the same name.
• Whale Egg: At the end of the animation in "Dodo", Jogchem hatches out of an egg fully grown.
• Wiki Walk: Links will often contain more links within them, connecting the stories together and making the reader stray from their starting point. Each page also contains a "random" button at the bottom for more chaos.

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𝒿𝓊𝓂𝓅

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