My name's Ralph, and I'm a bad guy. Uh, let's see... I'm nine feet tall, I weigh six hundred and forty three pounds, got a little bit of a temper on me,note
my passion bubbles very near the surface, I guess, not gonna lie. Anyhoo, what else? Uh, I'm a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally.note
I mean, I'm very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. Thing is, fixing's the name of the game. Literally. Fix-It Felix Jr.
So, yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He's nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you've got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he were a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, he would not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. And when Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But, are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, ha! And no, there aren't. For thirty years I've been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go, how sad. The thing about those guys at Asteroids
? Boom, gone. Centipede
? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one else seems to like you for doing it.
I don't know... maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way if things were different after work. But... it is what it is, you know. Felix and the Nicelanders go hang out in their homes... which he's just fixed and everyone, you know... They go to their homes, I go to mine, which just so happens to be... a dump. And when I say a dump, I don't mean, like, a shabby place. I mean, an actual dump, where the garbage goes... and a bunch of bricks and... smashed building parts; that's... that's what I call home. I guess I can't bellyache too much; I've got my bricks, I've got my stump... It looks uncomfortable, it's actually fine. I-I'm good. But, if I'm really honest with myself... I see Felix up there, getting patted on the back, people giving him pie and thanking him and so happy to see him all the time... Sometimes I think "Man... It sure must be nice, being the good guy."