Tear Jerker: The Onion
For a satirical site, The Onion posts a lot of depressing articles.
- "Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box". Don't click that. Really.
- Pretty much every article that was written in the aftermath of 9/11 counts, but some of the best examples would be:
"Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."
- "God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule", in particular the closing paragraph:
"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson."It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."
- "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake," also written in response to 9/11. It reflects the reactions of a lot of people that day very accurately.
- Combined with You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: "New Mommy A Lot Prettier"
- For animal lovers: Last of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start of Spring
- US Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government. If only that was real...
- "Blissful Ignorance Commemorated on Annual 9/10 Anniversary." Holy shit.
- "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients."
- "Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go."
- "Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase."
- "NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything."
- This one hurts even more after the Sandy Hook school shooting in Connecticut.
- "'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents"
- "18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier"
- "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports" A response to the December 2012 Connecticut school shooting. A rare occasion when Cluster F-Bomb can be used emotionally. You can tell that whoever wrote it, wasn't in a funny mood.
- "All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer". Hoo boy...
- "Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested as a Child."
- "Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Murdered By Undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder." It takes a minute to hit you.
- "Holy Shit, I Just Realized People Want To Kill My Dad." Written from the perspective of Sasha Obama, who has, more likely than not, realized this already.
- "This What World Like Now", written after the bombings in Boston.
- Followed up by "Jesus, This Week".
- "‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown"
- "Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression"
"No, the balloon," said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease’s debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. "It's flying away.""Come back," added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.
- "Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant"
- "Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo" straddles a line between this and just plain horrifying.
- "If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years"
- "Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial" The ending, however, is a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
- "Ugly Girl Killed"
- Also from the post 9-11 issues: "Arab-American Third Grader Returns from Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone."
- "As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog to Sleep..."
- In the wake of Nelson Mandela's death. "Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed"
- "Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night."
- "Kid With Rough Home Life Gives Mickey Extra Long Hug"
- The front page of The Onion's final print issue.
- 97 Year Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy. The idea of being so uncommonly gifted and never finding out is incredibly depressing.
- Area Man Growing A Little Tired of Rushing Home to Hug Loved Ones
At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.
- Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred by Some Tragedy
- Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff
- 12 Year-old's Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament. This is sad for people who've gone through tough times before, and parents who who've felt guilty they couldn't provide somethings for their kids.
- Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy. Honestly, this one's not even funny. It's just sad.
- Total Weirdo Spends Mother's Day At Cemetery
- Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza