- Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit.
- Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To.
At press time, with the U.N. continuing to urge Syria to allow the delivery of humanitarian aid, the sound of artillery had paused as 100,000 spacecraft filled the sky.
- God Distances Self from Christian Right. Because Some Anvils Need to Be Dropped.
- See also Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack, for pretty similar reasons.
- Edward Snowden's Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting.
- Heroic Broken Sewage Pipe Floods Congress With Human Waste.
- Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell. Good show, Onion. Good show.
God: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp. Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other — you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes! The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get? I'm talking to all of you, here! Do you hear Me?! I don't want you to kill anybody! I'm against it, across the board! How many times do I have to say it?! Don't kill each other anymore--ever! I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!!!"
- In a similar vein, "God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule". Even though it ends with God suffering a Heroic B.S.O.D., He makes it absolutely clear that His "Thou Shalt Not Kill" Commandment is NOT open to interpretation:
- Fred Phelps, Man Who Forever Stopped March Of Gay Rights, Dead At 84, an awesomely sarcastic Take That against Phelps' anti-gay crusade.
"I can safely say that the name Fred Phelps will never, ever be forgotten, and that his entire life's efforts—his very existence—was most certainly not in vain."
- Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops.
- Time Announces New Version of Magazine Aimed At Adults. Just brutal and so funny.