[[quoteright:273:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/the_onion_tearjerker.png]]

For a satirical site, ''Website/TheOnion'' posts a ''lot'' of depressing articles.

* "[[https://www.theonion.com/daddy-put-in-bye-bye-box-1819569708 Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box]]". [[SincerityMode Don't click that. Really.]]
* Pretty much ''every'' article that was written in the aftermath of 9/11 counts, but some of the best examples would be:
** "[[https://www.theonion.com/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule-1819566178/ God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule]]", in particular the closing paragraph:
-->"Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."
** [[https://local.theonion.com/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-american-flag-1819566173 "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake,"]] also written in response to 9/11. It reflects the reactions of a lot of people that day very accurately.
-->"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."
-->Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.
-->"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."
* Combined with YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness: "[[https://local.theonion.com/new-mommy-a-lot-prettier-1819565481 New Mommy A Lot Prettier]]"
* [[https://local.theonion.com/elderly-woman-begins-freezing-meals-husband-can-eat-whi-1819577261 "Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Her Husband Can Eat While She's Passed Away".]]
* For animal lovers: [[https://local.theonion.com/last-of-2008-christmas-puppies-euthanized-marking-star-1819572491 Last of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start of Spring]]
** [[https://local.theonion.com/fire-consumes-big-happy-farm-where-families-send-sick-d-1819572687 And if you've ever encountered]] ReleasedToElsewhere...
* [[https://politics.theonion.com/u-s-commemorates-9-11-by-toasting-stable-afghan-govern-1819572948 US Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government]]. If only that was real...
** Kelly's cartoon that day was surprisingly poignant too. He usually employs some measure of YouCanPanicNow, but this one was just his AuthorAvatar with a SingleTear asking [[https://www.theonion.com/september-12-2011-1819590425 "When is it okay to laugh again"?]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/blissful-ignorance-commemorated-on-annual-9-10-annivers-1819573891 "Blissful Ignorance Commemorated on Annual 9/10 Anniversary."]] Holy ''shit.''
* [[https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-hearing-loved-ones-voice-induces-excruciati-1819573213 "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients."]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/son-its-time-we-have-a-talk-about-where-babies-go-1819584559 "Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go."]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/best-part-of-gay-12-year-old-s-day-half-hour-spent-eati-1819573329 "Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase."]]
** Even sadder when you watch [[https://www.theonion.com/gay-12-year-old-i-like-eating-lunch-here-by-myself-1819595173 the video accompanying the article]], which ends on the kid sitting alone humming a little tune as he eats his lunch.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/nra-sets-1-000-killed-in-school-shooting-as-amount-it-w-1819573533 "NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything."]]
** This one hurts even more after the Sandy Hook school shooting in Connecticut.
** And even ''even'' more in the wake of the Parkland, Florida high school shooting in 2018.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/you-will-die-someday-and-it-will-be-sad-all-man-thinki-1819573636 "'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents"]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/18-year-old-fighting-in-afghanistan-has-9-11-explained-1819573874 "18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier"]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/fuck-everything-nation-reports-1819574328 "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports"]] A response to the December 2012 Connecticut school shooting. A rare occasion when ClusterFBomb can be used emotionally. You can tell that whoever wrote it, wasn't in a funny mood.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/all-of-area-mans-hard-work-finally-pays-off-for-employe-1819573184 "All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer"]]. ''Hoo'' boy...
* [[https://www.theonion.com/ask-an-auctioneer-revealing-he-was-molested-as-a-child-1819584784 "Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested as a Child."]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/afghanistan-war-veteran-solemnly-recalls-seeing-entire-1819574378 "Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Murdered By Undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder."]] It takes a minute to hit you.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/holy-shit-i-just-realized-people-want-to-kill-my-dad-1819584772 "Holy Shit, I Just Realized People Want To Kill My Dad."]] Written from the perspective of Sasha Obama, who has, more likely than not, realized this already.
* "[[https://www.theonion.com/this-what-world-like-now-1819574839 This What World Like Now]]", written after the bombings in Boston.
** Followed up by "[[https://www.theonion.com/jesus-this-week-1819574831 Jesus, This Week]]".
* "[[https://local.theonion.com/i-don-t-know-who-i-am-anymore-little-buddy-says-mot-1819575229 ‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown]]"
* "[[https://local.theonion.com/child-who-just-lost-balloon-begins-lifelong-battle-with-1819574627 Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression]]"
-->"No, the balloon," said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease’s debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. "It's flying away."
-->"Come back," added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.
* "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/children-of-all-ages-delighted-by-enslavement-of-topsy-1819571555 Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant]]"
* "[[https://local.theonion.com/awkward-new-international-student-saw-his-entire-family-1819575466 Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo]]" straddles a line between this and just plain horrifying.
* "[[https://www.theonion.com/if-you-think-you-can-talk-to-your-mother-like-that-the-1819584877 If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years]]"
* "[[https://local.theonion.com/bullied-eighth-grader-incorrectly-thought-classmates-wo-1819575653 Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial]]" The ending, however, is a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
* "[[https://local.theonion.com/ugly-girl-killed-1819564191 Ugly Girl Killed]]"
* Also from the post 9-11 issues: "[[https://www.theonion.com/arab-american-third-grader-returns-from-recess-crying-1819566175 Arab-American Third Grader Returns from Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone."]]
* "[[https://www.theonion.com/as-much-as-i-hated-putting-my-dog-to-sleep-i-know-hell-1819584614 As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog to Sleep...]]"
* In the wake of Nelson Mandela's death. [[https://www.theonion.com/nelson-mandela-becomes-first-politician-to-be-missed-1819575931 "Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed"]]
* "[[https://local.theonion.com/generous-military-sends-800-in-disability-to-man-who-w-1819575926 Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night]]."
* [[https://local.theonion.com/kid-with-rough-home-life-gives-mickey-extra-long-hug-1819591500 "Kid With Rough Home Life Gives Mickey Extra Long Hug"]]
* The [[http://theonion.tumblr.com/post/69806820030/today-in-print front page]] of The Onion's final print issue.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/97-year-old-dies-unaware-of-being-violin-prodigy-1819571799 97 Year Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy]]. The idea of being so uncommonly gifted and never finding out is incredibly depressing.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/area-man-growing-a-little-tired-of-rushing-home-to-hug-1819574844 Area Man Growing A Little Tired of Rushing Home to Hug Loved Ones]]
--> At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/every-family-members-birthday-now-marred-by-some-traged-1819574798 Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred by Some Tragedy]]
* [[https://local.theonion.com/flag-in-front-of-post-office-can-hardly-remember-a-time-1819574821 Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff]]
* [[https://local.theonion.com/12-year-old-s-christmas-list-demonstrates-heartbreaking-1819577264 12 Year-old's Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament.]] This is sad for people who've gone through tough times before, and parents who who've felt guilty they couldn't provide somethings for their kids.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/kidnapped-boy-found-safe-imagines-kidnapped-boy-1819570345 Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy]]. Honestly, this one's not even funny. It's just sad.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/total-weirdo-spends-mother-s-day-at-cemetery-1819577790 Total Weirdo Spends Mother's Day At Cemetery]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/kids-love-when-mom-sad-enough-to-just-order-pizza-1819577821 Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza]]
* [[https://local.theonion.com/black-man-bids-tearful-goodbye-to-family-before-daily-c-1819578056 Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute]]
* [[https://local.theonion.com/bully-can-t-believe-classmate-took-4-straight-years-of-1819577670 Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years of Being Told to Kill Herself to Heart]]
* [[https://www.theonion.com/hummingbird-back-at-feeder-again-grandmother-reports-1819570035 Hummingbird Back at Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports]]
* [[https://entertainment.theonion.com/suicide-letter-full-of-simpsons-references-1819567405 Suicide letter full of Simpsons references]]
* [[https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-onion-reviews-batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice-1819595896 The Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice review]] where the reviewer compares watching two iconic heroes fighting to watching his parents marriage collapse.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/childbirth-to-be-area-womans-least-painful-interaction-1819568406 Childbirth To Be Area Woman's Least Painful Interaction With Daughter]]
* [[https://politics.theonion.com/middle-eastern-man-not-sure-how-many-days-worth-of-air-1819579708 Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack]], published in light of the [[UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump Trump]] administration's anti-immigration executive orders.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/nation-begs-disaffected-youth-gravitating-toward-neo-na-1819580174 Nation Begs Disaffected Youth Gravitating Toward Neo-Nazism To Get High And Play Xbox Instead]]. It's still a funny article, though it just breams with desperation of loved ones not wanting youth to turn to evil to just do anything else, even things they would normally look down at you on, that your eyes just start stinging.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-r-1819577935 ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens]] This article was first published after the tragedy that happened at the University of California in 2014. Seven more articles with the same title have been published throughout the past three years. The reprinted article changes the photo, the details of the location and other details but the message is still the same. The most recent edition was printed the day of the Texas school shooting in May 2018. The repeating story shows how very little has changed since the last attack and that nothing has been done to solve the issue. This is a case of a RunningGag that many people want to end.
** After the Valentine's Day shooting in Parkland, Florida, (which was covered in one of the repeated articles) the original author of the infamous headline [[https://twitter.com/jasonroeder/status/963976307879985152 revealed]] the school was ''a mile away from his house.''
* [[https://local.theonion.com/elderly-dog-can-already-tell-owner-doesn-t-think-she-s-1819576528 Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn't Think She's Worth $3000 Gallstone Surgery]].
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSJ4RK7dzm8 The Onion review]] of ''Film/FindingDory'', which turns into a poignant commentary on society's failure to care for the disabled.
* [[https://local.theonion.com/newborn-loses-faith-in-humanity-after-record-6-days-1819573929 Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days]]
* The fact that for some, The Onion has lost its satirical edge because Trump-era America is so ludicrous that it became nigh-impossible to parody. "The Onion just straight reporting the news again" or variants of which have become popular responses to articles like [[https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/976945133416534017 this one]], about mainstream media apparently humanizing the 2018 Austin Bomber and ignoring the fact that he was a white nationalist who killed 2 blacks. Compare the "satire" with [[https://www.apnews.com/f721ff08ff8641189360effc5ec5cc64 this Associated Press article]]. It becomes more obvious that something is changing in not just the Onion, but politics and media itself.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/black-father-gives-son-the-talk-about-holding-literally-1825024938 “Black Father Gives Son “The Talk” about Holding Literally Any Object”.]] Written in response to police killings like Stephon Clark, who was gunned down because he was holding a cell phone that was mistaken for a gun.
** On a related note: [[https://local.theonion.com/woman-nervously-reaches-for-cell-phone-as-suspicious-bl-1826116847 "Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone".]] The article ends with the cops "[pulling] their firearms and [slamming] the suspect onto a table after he produced a threatening packet of oyster crackers."
* [[https://local.theonion.com/man-surprised-by-how-often-he-still-uses-bullying-skill-1826011976 "Man Surprised By How Often He Still Uses Bullying Skills He Learned In High School".]] An unusual case in that you feel sorry not for the VillainProtagonist, but for the people he mistreats without regret.
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