- "Am I the son of a panda? The son of a goose? A student? A teacher? Turns out... I'm all of them. I am the Dragon Warrior."— Me to General Kai (Kung Fu Panda 3)
Hey, there, what's up!? It's great to see you here, I was just about to head out to the museum to see the new display of relics Master Shifu had imported for me from the eastern villages of China! Yeah, I have that kind of friendship with one of the most awesome and legendary legends of ALL TIME! Oh sorry, getting ahead of myself just a little there! Wait, SERIOUSLY?! I'm getting my own wing in the Kung Fu History Museum!? Ho, hooo! I'm gonna go down in history, just like the great Master Wuxi of the Third Dynasty! I wonder if I can invent my own version of the Wuxi Finger Hold...? Oh you know this hold? Well, I'm totally making it cooler, it's gonna involve BOTH pinkies and make the WHOLE PLANET EXPLODE WITH ITS EPIC POWEERRR! Oh, jeez I'm sorry, I get distracted a lot, but seriously, you have NO IDEA what an honor this is for me!
So let me tell you!!
Spoiler alert, this is gonna be a LONG story!
Guess if we're REALLY gonna dig deep here, you'd wanna know the very beginning, like before I was even born? Well, let's get started!
AHEM! Sorry, phlegm in my throat.
LEGENDS TELL OF AN ANCIENT ANIMATION STUDIO NAMED DREAMWORKS ANIMATION, WHOSE ANIMATED STORIES AND MOVIES WERE THE STUFF OF LEGENDS! They came on the year of the Panda (2008 I'm pretty sure) and asked the endlessly cool Jack Black to bring his coolness to the big screen with a movie inspired by Chinese culture and martial arts. With Jennifer Yuh Nelson to guide these amazing heroes on their quest, it soon became super hyped up and even colossal names like Dustin Hoffman, Lucy Liu and even the real life dragon warrior Jackie Chan joining in on the awesomeness, it elevated it to a level of awesome never before seen in cinema!
Eyes melted from the blinding light of sheer awesome and ladies swooned at the handsome Panda that donned the mantle! My first film took place in the jaw-droppingly sweet Valley of Peace, home to the great Jade Palace, basically the seat of Kung Fu! I started out as a simple noodle chef working alongside my father. Who is a Goose. What? That's not confusing! So a crab can have a whale as a daughter but I can't have a Goose dad?! Well, actually I'm adopted. I know, it took me a while to figure it out too. Except not really, I kinda figured it out earlier on, I just didn't care because I love my dad. I should probably use this time to say my past isn't exactly the happiest beginning ever, but we'll get to that later.
My first adventure was a HUGE hit and we branched out beyond just the one movie, we franchised this whole thing! I went on to have adventures all over China, from the great Gongmen City, birthplace of fireworks, to the hidden mountains of the Panda Village and even beyond the mortal world to the Spirit Realm! (I can fly in there!) Then I debuted on the small screen to show all the adventures I had in between the movies, pretty accurately known as Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness!! There's been video games, TV specials and even a... [GAAAASP] A THEME PARK RIDE!? WHHHOOOOAAAA, I've gotta try that one!
Hey guys, check it out I'm gonna be going on a new adventure soon!
What's "Netflix" though...? Whatever, it's gonna be a LIGHTNING STORM OF GREATNESS!!
As for the story of my actual life, well let's see...
I guess it all started when the great Master Oogway chose me as the Dragon Warrior. Yeah, me! Can you believe it? I sure couldn't... nor could the Furious Five... or Shifu... or my dad... or anyone really. Anyway, my time at the Jade Palace was so awesome, I did everything so right the first time! After several tries! And doing so badly the first try that the first try became the new standard for how NOT to do Kung Fu! Okay, okay, maybe it didn't start out the way I'd hoped, but I'm nothing if not dedicated! Soon, the Five went from hating me to kinda respecting me, then liking me, then being annoyed by me, then all the above! Then Tai Lung came along and he was one heck of a fighter, the first in history to master the Thousand Scrolls of Kung Fu! At first I thought I was wasting my time, that I should go back and be a chef with my dad, but when Shifu stopped being so... uncooperative (I wanna use a different word but I'm pretty sure he monitors this device!) and taught me the way A REAL PANDA should be trained, I actually got better pretty quickly. I got my hands on the Dragon Scroll to beat Tai Lung, but would you believe it was blank?! Or so I thought... Anyway, we had a pretty... interesting fight and I beat him with the Wuxi Finger Hold (may as well rename it the Po Hand Twitch I use it so much!) That was when I really gained the respect of the Five and the people of the Valley of Peace and earned my severely cool title.
But it did NOT end there for me, no it did not!
A few years later, things changed for me. I'd gotten a lot better at the whole Kung Fu thing, my idols were now my best friends, and it seemed like life was pretty good. Except one thing was nagging me ever since that fight with the one-eyed wolf (I do NOT like that guy!) and the weird symbol on his armor I started to get all these flashbacks. I didn't know what they were, but I couldn't fight the urge to explore it more. My dad told me the story of how he found me in a radish crate years ago and took me in after we bonded. Still, it left me with the question. Where did I come from and who am I? I'd get that question answered when I met Lord Shen, a Feathered Fiend and my most personal adversary! Well, he would be if I remembered all the bad stuff he did when I was a baby, but I found inner peace in the end and found a way to stop him. Check me out, I'm like a real-life Yin-Yang symbol there! Anyway, after that, things again pretty much went back to normal (as far as that goes anyway) and I continued my usual routine.
Then Shifu asked me to be a teacher! Oh and my real dad came back. Probably should have mentioned that first but come on! Me, a teacher? I couldn't even teach Viper how to hold her chopsticks right (though that was before I realized snakes don't have arms. My bad). AAANNNYYWAAAAYY, this is where stuff really got weird (but no less cool) when Master Oogway's Evil Former Friend General Kai escaped the Spirit Realm and wanted to steal the Chi of every master in China, me included, to become the strongest warrior of all. As it turns out, Pandas were the pioneers of the art of Chi and my dad told me he could teach me. Of course, he didn't really know, but I still found my way as a teacher to my people when we went to the Panda Village! Now, this time was a little strange because the Wuxi Finger Hold was a No-Sell on Kai ('cause, you know, he's dead), so I used it ON MYSELF! C'mon that's pretty clever, if I do say so myself! After I met Oogway one last time, I was given the Hero's Chi and used it to destroy Kai once and for all. I returned to the real world and now the Valley of Peace is just that; everyone is happy and I finally know who I am and what my purpose is.
GUUUUUYYYYSSS! You'll never guess what! No, seriously, guess! Nope! Nope! Why would that even...? Whatever, okay, I'll tell you...
I'M GETTING A FOURTH ADVENTURE! See this teaser of truly colossally epic proportions now!
Tropes I use to show how awesome I am!:
- The Ace: Well, I don't really like to overshadow the Furious Five or anything, I have it on good authority that I am indeed awesome. I can learn special techniques just be watching someone do it, I've mastered both Chi and inner peace in a short time, I got that whole Kung Fu thing in a few years where for a lot of people it can take decades, I even know one or two of the Twelve Impossible Moves! As it turns out, I'm also a pretty good teacher! I'll admit though, unlike a lot of people like this, I didn't start out this way. In fact I still mess up and cause a little chaos here and there, but I still try my best, anyway.
- Acrofatic: Actually it's mostly fur, just ask Mantis! note I'm actually pretty agile for a man of my... uh... shape. Hey, who says you gotta be a dancer to fight like one?
- All-Loving Hero: I wouldn't want to be the Dragon Warrior if I had to kill anyone. Don't get me wrong, kicking butt is extremely fun (and looks amazing) but it's way more rewarding to use it to save people or show them a better way. Some bad guys my be lost causes, but everyone deserves a chance! Just wish Shen would have listened to me...
- Arch-Enemy: No, but you'd expect this, wouldn't ya? Lord Shen may have ruined my life and destroyed the way of Panda culture across China, not to mention the amount of times he tried to kill me with that awesome guandao of his (seriously, how is a peacock so good with knives?!) and he did torment me about my parents, I guess. I will say of all the burning rage-filled birds I've faced (oh, yeah there's a lot of 'em), he IS technically my most personal foe and "true" antagonist, not to mention I was on my toes a lot with him, but I never saw him as my enemy, he was just another bad guy had to stop. Just hope wherever he is now, he found his own inner peace.
- Ascended Fanboy: If you told eight-year-old me that I'd be hanging with the Furious Five every day and be one of the world's most renowned warriors of all time, I probably would have peed a little! In fact, I'm enough of an example me and the Five are the page image!
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: What? I don't get distracted that easily! Wait a minute, where are we now? Ah, we've gone the wrong way to the museum... which I just remembered we were going to... alright, fine, sometimes I have trouble staying focused. A lot happens to me, it's hard to keep my head in the game!
- Badass Adorable: Well, Mei Mei would probably think so, but luckily she's not here! That's lucky too, that girl is O-Ver-Whelming! Still, I guess I can see what people mean by it, I am a Panda after all.
- Battle Cry: "GET READY TO FEEL THE THUNDER!" Boy, I love saying that.
- Beary Funny: I've got it on good authority I could be a comedian if I wasn't a warrior. I even got the Five to laugh with me when I parodied Master Shifu. Of course, he didn't find it funny, but I don't think he ever does.
- Big Eater: I think you'll find I'm pretty typical for my people! I love to eat, snack and have dessert for breakfast and a three-course dinner for supper! Also I eat the almond cookies hidden on the top shelf (don't tell Monkey!). Up to eleven in my third adventure, where I realized I wasn't eating enough by Panda standards!
- Big Fun: Oh, yeah! I LIVE FOR THE FUN! There's a reason I still have my action figures of the Furious Five in my old room (except Monkey's... I kinda broke it the other day when I slipped on one of the many stray banana peels I left on the ground. Boy, was THAT a fun night! Anyway, DON'T TELL MONKEY! I'm taking it to get it fixed tonight). I love to play games and just have a good time, really. What, because I'm a "hero" I'm not allowed to enjoy it? note
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: I'm a Panda, not a rabbit... though my Dad's a goose... you know for all I know there could be some... hare-y business in the family! Geddit?! HAHAHA! Uh, anyway, I may be one heck of a warrior and I DEFY you to find someone who knows more about the history of Kung Fu than me (seriously; any warrior, any relic, special move, weapon, armor set, location or historical battle, I know it), but aside from cooking, I tend to make a lot of mistakes. note
- Calling Your Attacks: It's called flair! And it's not just mine, but I call the Five's moves too! Some of them (Tigress) don't understand things like showmanship or fun, but that's what a leader does! note
Me: FEET OF FURY!Also me: VIPER! Puppet of Death! (that one's a personal favorite!)
- Character Catchphrase: SKADOOSH! Need I say more? note
- The Chosen One: Trust me, I didn't believe it myself at first! But I guess Master Oogway saw something in me no one else did. And of course, he was right. That dude's always right, how does he do it?
- Dark and Troubled Past: My village was attacked and burnt down by Lord Shen when I was still just a baby, my mom died saving me and my father thought he'd lost me. I haven't got the happiest origin story, but then I know plenty more who've had worse, in fact I was able to move on from the trauma pretty quickly, all things considered.
- Fighting Panda: I mean, kinda goes without saying, right?
- Finger Poke of Doom: The one and only Wuxi Finger Hold! Did Shifu teach me that? Nope, I figured it out.
- Fire-Forged Friends: Only in the deep furnace of battle can one achieve friendship as AWESOME as ours! The Five didn't always like the idea of me being the Dragon Warrior, but they soon learned of my inexplicable epicness!
- Friend to All Children: I love kids, something Monkey, Tigress and I have in common! They love hearing my stories and I love teaching them all about Kung Fu! And I hate seeing them in danger.
- Good Is Not Soft: Heroes don't kill... unless necessary. Tai Lung had to go down (even if I do feel for him) and so did General Kai (he was a total nutjob). Lord Shen pretty much did it to himself, but part of me was kinda hoping he'd listen to me. If he had, I would have forgiven him.
- Happily Adopted: My dad may be a goose, but he's still my dad and I love him more than a free buffet! note
- The Heart: Oh, yeah! I'm the gorgeous glue that holds the sacred bonds of our friendship together! In fact, Tigress came out of her shell a little because of me!
- Humble Hero: I may be the Dragon Warrior, but I'm still the same fanstruck kid I was all those years ago and I still enjoy helping out my dad at the noodle shop when I can. Yeah, there's the occasional tidbit where the fame goes to my head, but I always find a way to ground myself again... or Tigress finds it for me... with her fist.
- Improv Fu: Only the creatively complex complexities of my merging martial arts can reflect my sensational style! Wow, that's a lot of double letters, there.
- Kamehame Hadoken: Ah! I can be like Ryunote and fire off the Thundering Wind Hammer.
- Ki Manipulation: Oh! I have this skill! Helped me in redirecting those cannonballs Lord Shen was firing at me.
- Large Ham: Where?! Oh, right, you're talking about me! Well, yeah, I mean I love a little fun - even in a battle - and I'm not afraid to show off a little, but it's all in good fun. I guess I can go a little too hard sometimes...
- Last of His Kind: Thankfully not. I thought I was, but there's actually more Pandas out there in China, they just live in seclusion somewhere. You should visit it if you can!
- Motor Mouth: You're only like the 5000th person to tell me I don't shut up! Hey, I like to get to know people and be social and stuff (I think I was born to entertain!) and some may find it a little annoying, but there are plenty of people who love that about me! Who? Well, uh... You know I think this time, I'll shut up.
- Nice Guy: I'm not really one to hold a grudge, nor am I one to attack first. I like to get to know people, I love my friends and family and I go pretty crazy over anything Kung Fu related. Also, cooking for my friends and making them laugh is one of my greatest joys.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: Hey, it's even an Asian themed one! Me and Tigress fit this pretty well, with me being more laid back and fun-loving while her being... note ...not that!
- Ship Tease: Guys! You've got my white fur turning red here! Well, I'll admit that part of being the Dragon Warrior involves meeting some pretty sweet ladies, though most of the time you're fighting them...
- Okay, so I'll admit there are times when me and Tigress get a little close, but she's my favorite of the Five! (Don't tell Monkey!) She inspired me to be better than I ever could and she's one of my best friends. I mean there was that whole Midnight Stranger thing... which I'm still not sure how to feel about... I guess if you were to really ask me, I don't think I have an answer for how I really feel about her, it's just something I never thought that hard about. Though, just between us - like seriously you can't tell ANYONE - I always did find it kinda cool that she can beat up bad guys so well and look so good doing it! And if you tell anyone I said that, I'll just say I didn't and won't you look bad, being a liar. Come on man, nobody likes a liar! Plus she's out right now and she's got no idea this is happening! note
- Viper and I are pretty close and there's a few moments where we seem to... I don't know, connect? Again, I've never really thought about it. Though now that I am, I can think of a couple of times she kissed me, which Tigress never did. Did I like it? Well... yeah, I guess I did. Uh, feelings, so complicated am I right? I will admit she's pretty cute, though. Oh no, did she hear that?! note
- Supreme Chef: My dad's the better cook out of both of us, but I learned everything I know from him. In fact, cooking is one of the few talents I had even before I became the Dragon Warrior.
- Took a Level in Badass: Several times, actually!
- In my first venture into the wild world of Kung Fu, it didn't take that long for me to get the basics and some pretty advanced stuff down after only a little while training with Master Shifu. I even beat Tai Lung!
- By the time Shen came back, I'd already mastered Kung Fu and I was easily able to beat back any bad guy with my FEET OF FURY! Then I achieved inner peace... without needing to meditate in a cave for 20 years!
- Finally, when Kai came knocking, I learned how to be an effective teacher and was gifted with the Hero's Chi! My mastery over it is pretty spectacular and honestly I still have no idea what the full capabilities of it are! Maybe I'll be able to conjure up infinite noodles?!!
- Trademark Favorite Food: (I'm speaking in sophistication!) We Pandas are of diverse food pallets! We need not limit ourselves to the monotonous repetition of only one food source! Alright, I'll stop now. I guess if you were to really get down to it, I'd probably say dumplings, I'm even holding one in the frame showing my mind-blowing visage! One of my best fights was over a dumpling too, but I think Shifu planned that one. Any others? Well, maybe noodles (which I cook for my friends sometimes) or even radishes (I've literally eaten several crates full of them as a baby). There's probably others, but they're the ones that get my jaws chomping!
- True Companions: I'm SOOOO lucky to have the friends I have now! The Furious Five are probably the coolest and most loyal friends a Dragon Warrior could ask for! note
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: Oh! I recall encountering another Dragon Warrior one time! I really had to fight him so I could see how awesome he was! And what did you know? I won! I bet Master Shifu would be proud of my victory!
- Underestimating Badassery: My awesomeness is matched only by bad guys' ability to completely write me off. Tai Lung is just one example.
Tai Lung: He's a Panda! You're a Panda! What are you gonna do, big guy, sit on me?
- And just so you know, I actually did sit on him at one point. Mr. I Mastered The Thousand Scrolls wasn't so hot then!
- World's Best Warrior: Well, maybe that title's a bit of a stretch, but I am the legendary Dragon Warrior (or the Warrior of Black and White, as told by the goat lady). Not only does that mean fate chose me to be more awesome than a field of awesomeness grass, but that I would become the greatest of all the great warriors of China (of which there is a lot. I actually made an encyclopedia dating waaaaayyy back to before the First Dynasty). I'm not really one to gloat though, I feel like the Five or a few others are just as worthy of it.
Wow! End of the tour already? I was thinking it would be a whole day thing.
Anyway, that's that for this legend of awesomeness! Can't tell you what this means to me (though I guess I just did) and I seriously hope you enjoyed it too! Be sure to tell your friends about it, I'd love to see you all again! This has been so much fun and that new exhibit? Whoo, man, out of this world! But I'd better get back to the Jade Palace before I get in trouble, I've got a class to teach soon.
- Monkey: Po, YOU ate my cookies??!Me: WAAAAH! Monkey! No, uh... it was... one of the... other people.Monkey: The same "people" who prefer Tigress over me?Me: Well I don't know who said that, but I for one think you're greater than of all the Five combined!Monkey: Well, okay, but I hope that you... (oh no, he sees the bit about our handshake!) YOU DIDN'T EVEN INCLUDE OUR BEST FRIEND HANDSHAKE?! That's it! I'm telling Shifu about our new year party!Me: Well, duty calls, everyone; better get back to the palace! MONKEY, GET BACK HERE!
