(This page is best read in the voice of Amir Talai using a crystal-clear transatlantic accent with a slightly tinny Radio Voice. Edward Bosco is also acceptable.)
Pleasure to be meeting you, Troper! Quite a pleasure! It is I, Alastor, the Radio Demon!
You've probably heard of me from my prolific radio broadcasts all across the Pentagram, but—what's that? You haven't?...That's quite alright! Surely then my reputation as an unusually fearsome Overlord of Hell precedes my every footstep...! You haven't heard of me at all?
That's completely understandable. No, no, I'm absolutely peachy. Let us move on.
Currently, I am in the employ of Charlie Morningstar (or at least she so thinks, hm?) as the facilities manager of her Hazbin Hotel! (The name was my idea; she originally called it the tacky and uninspired "Happy Hotel"!) It's my job to ensure that everything within the hotel's walls is running faster and more efficiently than greased lightning, though I do also offer my proficiency in combat towards the Hotel's defense from time to time. That rarely occurs, however! The denizens of the Pride Ring know better then to mess with me!
- Affably Evil: But of course! Wayward Sinners are so much more willing to consign their souls over to a friendly, smiling face than a scowling one! Of course, when one has mastered the art of intrigue such as I, it is always possible to work subtle digs and power plays into one's speech so that those who speak to you never forget who is in charge.
- Arch-Enemy: Who, Vox? The very idea that you think that insufferable walking boob-tube and I are on an equal footing makes me break out laughing uncontrollably! AHA! HA! How utterly preposterous! Let us swiftly arrive at a different topic.
- Attention Whore: I can't believe you haven't heard of me in any capacity! Do you not go outside? Do you not read the papers? Have you never talked to another Sinner? My name is abuzz constantly on the lips of Hell's proletariat! No, I was not completely upstaged by the King of Hell, causing me to nearly lose my composure! Didn't you watch me eviscerate those loan sharks!? Are you as blind as you are ignorant?
- Becoming the Mask: HOHO! More baseless rumormongering, my favorite! Just because I happen to live with a motley band of colorful characters doesn't mean I consider them my friends, perish the thought! I am completely capable of separating business from pleasure! The fact that I almost gave my afterlife to save the Hotel was an unfortunate tragedy of circumstance when the goals of myself and Princess Morningstar briefly overlapped! Nothing more, nothing less!
- Berserk Button: Oh, I haven't got any of those, my friend! I have a completely and utterly omniscient control over my temper! After all, a blank slate is impossible to read! Cool as a cucumber, that's me! You don't spend over a hundred years in Hell without picking up a few tricks on how to effectively mask your... what did you just say about my being on a leash?
- Camera Shy: Shy? Hahahaha! Perish the thought! I adore attention from the masses! I simply believe that radio is the proper medium to express oneself!
- The Dreaded: You can smell it too? That scintillating, delectable aura of fear that follows me wherever I walk and sends Sinners running for their afterlives? Good! Keeping it tucked in the recesses of your smaller-than-average mind will serve you well in the Pentagram, I think! You'll go far down here, my good fellow!
- Electromagnetic Ghosts: I take my aversion to being captured on your newfangled video recording devices quite seriously, chum, so you might as well put that thing away.
- Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas: Before I subject you to unfathomable torture and broadcast your screams across all of Hell, how would you like to try my jambalaya? It's a recipe my dear old mother gave me. Gives me quite fond memories.
- Evil Luddite: It's not that I hate technologies which were invented after my untimely expiration on Earth, it's that those technologies are inherently worse!
- Faux Affably Evil: Not to worry, my anxious little compatriot! As long as you exhibit the deference and respect that you ought to in my presence, there will be no issue!...though, if you ever somehow forget who you are speaking to, you would do well to remember that I could snap my fingers and you would be dead in an instant.
- Hidden Agenda Villain: Well, of course I'm not going to just spill my guts to any Tom, Dick and Harry who comes asking! How do you think I've managed to become such a powerful Overlord? People respect those with a plan, but they fear an enigma! But please, keep making your little theories, they are delightful to read!
- Laughably Evil: In addition to being yet another valuable tool in my social arsenal, mirth is also a great way to lighten the dreary atmosphere, especially if you live in as depressing and downtrodden a place as Princess Charlie's Hazbin Hotel!
- Like a Son to Me: It's true, I have taken on something of a paternalistic role to Princess Morningstar! Of course, I never did have any children of my own when I was alive! I was preoccupied by... other matters. Is my seeming parental affection toward her genuine, or just a way of placing her firmly in the palm of my hand? There you go again trying to dredge up any infinitesmal morsel of my true motivations! I'm two steps ahead of you at least, my friend!
- Manipulative Bastard: You look exactly like the sort of wretched, downtrodden sap who spends large portions of their day-to-day life cataloguing the narrative devices in works of fiction! Perhaps you've even alienated your friends and your loved ones by constantly spouting incomprehensible jargon, hm? You know, I may know of a method or two that would be able to fix all of that in an instant! All you would have to do is make one tiny, simple, inconsequential little deal with me... Oh, don't be afraid, my friend! I can assure you don't need your soul for anything. All it does is take up space!
- Memetic Badass: What's all this talk of me being on "fraud watch" and "punching above my weight class?" I swear, to the fickle generation of today, you lose one fight against the First Man and suddenly you're ranker than last week's dirty laundry! Are these children not aware of how many Overlords I've killed? Have they no respect for their clear and present superiors!? I'd like to see them last more than fifteen miserable seconds against an Exorcist, especially their leader, and we'll see who's still smiling afterward!
- Mysterious Past: "Why are you so unusually strong for a Sinner?" "Where did you disappear to for seven years?" Oh, you and your endless parade of adorably frivolous questions! Let me offer you some friendly advice: it matters far less how one obtained their power than if they are able to maintain it. And I have been doing an excellent job at maintaining my own power.
- No Love for the Wicked: Oh yes, that insipid and tawdry Angel Dust offered on multiple occasions to catch me in a lover's embrace (transparently for his own pleasure rather than mine) before he got the hint that I had less than no interest in his uncouth advances! Leave these lowly peons to their perverse affectations, I say, and let me divert my attention to the things that are really important, like tormenting those already under my yoke and seeking out more to join their ranks! Oh, would you wipe that insufferably smug grin off your face already!
- Opportunistic Bastard: Are you suggesting I should try making deals with folks when they're of sound mind and body instead of at the end of their rope and backed helplessly into a corner like the squealing, fragile little rodents that they are? What a preposterous little mote of nonsense! Do keep telling your stupendous japes!
- Perpetual Smiler: It's as I always say, you're never fully dressed without a smile! A smile is a valuable tool, my friend. It inspires your friends, keeps your enemies guessing, and ensures that no matter what comes your way, you're the one in control.
- Perverse Sexual Lust: I typically avoid perusing the so-called "intercontinental information web" (as the youths of today call it) on principle, but even then outside sources have unfortunately procured me extremely tasteless drawings of me and other denizens of Hell committing...egregious acts of sexual congress with one another! Quite a few of them have me embracing that strumpet of a spider demon who flaunts his goods around the Hotel like a newsboy hawking papers! Disgusting, it sickens me to think of it! As if I would offer my body up so freely to just anybody, especially those of the male persuasion! Stop grinning so smugly! Do you know something I don't?
- Precision F-Strike: What, did you think that because I merely demonstrate a level of refinement to my speech that none of the other Hotel occupants share, I can't deftly wield some good old-fashioned profanity in the right circumstance? HA! On the fucking contrary.
- Ridiculously High Relationship Standards: The woman for me perhaps does not exist, my friend! I simply haven't found anyone who could possibly be my equal!— What on earth is an "ace in the hole!?" Why do people keep calling me that!?
- Stepford Smiler: Just because you see a smile, don't think you know what is going on underneath! Yes, it does bring me inconcievable gaeity to watch the pain and suffering of others, but don't go assuming that I don't have my own set of problems. What are they? How unfathomably rude of you! That's absolutely none of your business!
- Sharp-Dressed Man: But of course! A well-tailored suit is second only to a beaming smile in terms of vestment importance! Personally, I keep my dress coat completely spotless, and have it repaired posthaste the moment any damage is done to it! Mind you, that only happens very rarely to begin with, as there are very few Sinners stupid enough to even attempt to ruin the garments of the Radio Demon!.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Ah, venison! Is there any victual in Heaven, Hell or Earth that can match it? The soft and tender yet slightly fatty meat, the stringy yet solid texture, the rush one gets from the leaking blood and marrow of a freshly-killed buck... My apologies, I seem to have lost my train of thought.
- Voice of the Legion: Well, naturally I can't just pull out the old "Edsel going haywire" voice on a whim, old pal! You've got to save it for moments when it's at its most intimidating!
