- Date First Aired: 31/10/1994
After the destruction of the leisure centre last episode, it has now been fully rebuilt, and Songs of Praise are planning to come to the centre. Brittas has spent the time wisely, having written a book called I Believe, the revenue of which has gone to charity. Meanwhile, Carole moves back in, and Helen has shown up with some drugs she got from Jonathan's chemistry teacher. Trouble is that after half an hour, she falls asleep.
At the staff meeting, Brittas gives them instructions on how to ensure that 800 people don't use the centre. When Gavin points out why they can't just let them use it, Brittas puts attention to a problem with the pigeonhole - it has been having a tendency to knock all of its contents out when someone slams his office door.
Councillor Drugget comes into the centre to ask Brittas why he's cancelled the army. Brittas replies that he cancelled them because he saw them as having the reputation of drunken squaddies. As he heads off for an interview, Drugget warns Laura that he has to go as he'll only cause more disaster. However, he also gives the opportunity to show off a better Dream to Laura - European Commissioner for Sport. He wants Laura to go along with it but she refuses, believing it to be a betrayal.
During the interview, Colin diverts attention to a strange puddle of shit in the corridor. Adding to that, something has been attacking people in the leisure centre, including seemingly Helen (although in reality, the drugs that she took had put her to sleep). Upon further inspection, the attacker is revealed to be an emu and the staff tries to control it in the bathroom. Unfortunately, the emu ends up dragging Brittas along for the ride and right into Songs of Praise, injuring 54 people in the process. Recovering from the incident, Brittas complains that the job now feels "a bit samey", which is enough for Laura to go behind his back and use the faulty pigeonhole to give him the idea of taking the job for European Comissioner of Sport.
Tropes in this episode:
- Acquired Error at the Printer: "Whitbury Leisure Centre" gets reprinted as "'S'hitbury Leisure Centre" here.
- Action Girl: Linda decks herself out with a shotgun and riot gear to protect the centre.
- Agony of the Feet: Councillor Drugget is limping following a scaffolding pole landing on his foot off-screen.
- As Herself: Pam Rhodes really is the Songs of Praise presenter in real life.
- Conditioned to Accept Horror: Brittas complains that the job has started to feel a “bit same-y”. This is after an emu has severely injured several people in his leisure centre.
- Continuity Nod: One of the boxes in which the twins are stored is labelled "Cat Food".
- Cute, but Cacophonic: Tim gets a bit panicky and loud on the idea that he is going to get killed by an emu.
- Deadly Prank: That emu who seriously harmed at least 54 people? A practical joke from the army.
- Escaped Animal Rampage: The emu actually originated from the local safari park, having been released into the centre by the army for Brittas not allowing them to be present. It of course is responsible for the injury of at least 54 people.
- Et Tu, Brute?: Although she initially has reservations on Drugget's plan to relocate Brittas to Brussels, Laura ultimately goes behind Brittas' back.
- The Extremist Was Right: True to what Drugget warns Laura, Brittas' rehiring results in the same level of chaos as before.
- Feathered Fiend: An emu is let loose in the centre and attacks several people. Brittas, in an attempt to capture it, is later dragged along with it and it winds up severely injuring 54 people.
- Fictional Document: I Believe, the autobiography that Brittas wrote between Series 4 and 5. Apparently, it mentions Laura a lot; Tim, not so much.
- Finding Judas: Although Laura sees her going behind Brittas' back as betrayal to some degree, she ultimately does it out of a desire to see an end to the body count. It helps that it's a good outcome to Brittas as well, seeing as he's looking forward to the job at the centre of the betrayal at the end of the episode.
- The Ghost: A Bishop named Tom is mentioned to have gotten a head injury thanks to being attacked by an emu, but he never appears on-screen.
- Glad You Thought of It: Drugget wants Brittas to take up the role of European Commissioner of Sport, but Laura points out that he won't accept it unless he comes up with the idea himself. The solution is to put the advertisement in the faulty pigeonhole for Brittas to pick up and get inspiration from.
- Gory Discretion Shot:
- Although we do hear Drugget screaming, the scene cuts away to Helen going into a bathroom before we see Drugget get attacked by an emu.
- All we see of the emu severely attacking the people present at Songs of Praise is it making its way into the room with Brittas being dragged behind it.
- The Gunslinger: Linda arms herself with a shotgun in the midst of the chaos.
- Huddle Shot: Brittas, Gavin, and Colin are seen huddling over the emu shit that Colin is covering up with a towel.
- I Need to Go Iron My Dog: Laura's excuse to go up to Brittas' office so that she can slam the door and make him draw attention to the European Commissioner for Sport job is not exactly a strong excuse.Laura: Would you...um...just excuse me a minute? I've... um... left something... somewhere.
- I Should Write a Book About This: During the interim period between Series 4 and 5, Brittas has taken the opportunity to write a book on the experiences of running his Leisure Centre called I Believe.
- Life Isn't Fair: Carole says as such to one of her twin children when forcing her to settle in her new drawer.Carole: Life isn't perfect for any of us, so if you could just bend your knees - there's a good girl.
- Look Ma, I Am on TV!: Tim was hoping to hold up a sign saying "Hello Mum" during the actual Songs of Praise performance. Unfortunately for him, Brittas confiscates the card before he can actually go through it.
- Noodle Incident:
- Apparently, a serial killer has been in the centre before.
- Helen once had the centre evacuated on New Year's Eve because, thanks to a hayfever remedy, she thought she saw a giant millipede that tried to have sex with her.
- Ostrich Head Hiding: The staff initially find the emu in the disabled toilets with it's head stuck in a bucket, with Julie remarking that it might be because "it's probably the only sand it could find".
- One-Shot Character: Pam Rhodes.
- Pooping Where You Shouldn't: Gavin briefly mentions going to school with a boy who would shit on the desks if he was displeased with someone.
- Road Apples: The emu takes several shits in the centre, which Brittas gets dragged through when he tries to capture it.
- Reassigned to Antarctica: Drugget sets up a plan to send Brittas to Brussels which plays out through the rest of Series 5.
- Say My Name: When Brittas hears that Helen is unconscious, he immediately screams her name as he runs to her aid.
- Scream Discretion Shot: The camera cuts away to Helen before we see Drugget get attacked by the emu, although we do get to hear his screaming.
- Shout-Out:
- Songs of Praise comes to the centre to film a live episode in the gymnasium.
- An attempt by Councillor Drugget to fire Brittas was prevented by The Sun running a "Get Behind Gordon" campaign.
- Status Quo Is God: On top of the centre managing to be rebuilt, Carole has returned to living there, with no explanation given as to why she moved back in considering the fact that she had been living with the Brittas family back in "High Noon".
- Story Arc: This starts the series-long story arc of Brittas preparing to go to Brussels.
- Suppository Gag: Colin's extra-powerful muscle relaxants, which he suggests using on the emu.Colin: These muscle relaxants I've been taking are very powerful.Mr. Brittas: Yes, Colin?Colin: Now, I thought - if we gave the ostrich a handful....Mr. Brittas: You think I'm going to persuade an ostrich to swallow your pills?Colin: Now, they're not exactly pills, Mr. Brittas. They're suppositories.Mr. Brittas: Go away, Colin.Colin: All you have to do - now I've got this bamboo pole...Mr. Brittas: I said go away, Colin.
- Take That!: Drugget describes the EU as "a pointless bureaucracy spending vast amounts of money".
- Time Skip: The episode picks up several months after the events of the previous episode, by which point the centre has been rebuilt and Brittas has written a book (I Believe).
- Titled After the Song: The title is based on the hymn "Tell Me the Old, Old Story".
- What a Drag: Brittas, in his attempts to capture an emu with a rope, ends up being dragged along with the emu right through its shit, down the stairs, and right into the Songs of Praise performance.
- What Measure Is a Non-Human?: Inverted. Linda is perfectly willing to murder a human if it's in defence. Animals on the other hand...
