My Ghostwriter – The Vampire
Talentless author Peter Prentice (Jeff Conaway) struggles with penning a series of novels centered around vampires, frequently stealing ideas from his "technical advisor" Jayne (Jillie Mack). After a futile writing session, Peter meets Count Jeffrey Draco (Roy Dotrice), an actual vampire who had been asleep in the coffin he bought for some inspiration. Upon learning that the vampire only wants sanctuary and has no explicit desire to kill him, Peter makes a deal with Draco, allowing him to live safely in his apartment in exchange for the Count providing some material for his failing novels. With Draco's assistance, Peter's latest work, 900 Years of Darkness, tops the best-seller lists. However, when Draco insists on a fair share of the royalties, Peter tries to sever his partnership with the Count... with extreme prejudice.
Tropes:
- And I'm the Queen of Sheba: Peter snarkily calls himself Vladimir Horowitz after he meets the vampiric Count Draco.
- Bait-and-Switch: At the end of the episode, Draco appears to bite Jayne on the neck, but it's revealed that he's giving her a kiss as a token of friendship.
- Bookcase Passage: Peter had one installed in his office, activated by pulling the ax stuck inside a fake severed head. It was originally meant to house his finance-laden safe, but he later puts Drago's coffin inside to give him his sanctuary.
- Brick Joke: The opening scene has Jayne suggesting that the character in Peter's latest novel use a silver letter opener to off his vampiric nemesis. At the start of the second act, Peter whips out his own letter opener to keep Draco in line. The near-end of the episode has Jayne cutting her hand on that same opener, allowing her blood to come into contact with Draco's ashes and bring him back to life.
- Bystander Syndrome: Peter watches Draco as he feeds on Carla, his cleaning lady, jotting down notes of an actual vampire's feeding process for story research.
- Chekhov's Gun:
- The bookcase passage mentioned above, as it gets stuck near the end of the episode and allows Jayne to inadvertently bring Draco back to life.
- The silver earrings and crosses Jayne spends all her screen time wearing, which she uses to persuade Draco into her own partnership with him.
- Chekhov's Lecture: Draco's lesson of how vampires can be brought back to life is put into practice by an unwitting Peter, who the Count snacks on for his treachery.
- Creative Sterility: Peter has, for the longest time, only written stories where vampires are staked through the heart, and even then, he mostly plagiarized ideas from his ghostwriter Jayne.
- Delayed "Oh, Crap!": Peter's reaction to hearing that Jayne's blood was spilt in Draco's coffin.
- The Dog Bites Back: Jayne gets back at Peter's treatment of her through two indirect methods. First, she hands him a lawsuit for plagiarism regarding the five novels they wrote before the episode began, then cuts her blood on the antique silver letter opener Peter tried to use against Draco, allowing her blood to fall on the Count's ashes so he can revive and deliver the killing blow.
- Earn Your Happy Ending: Jayne goes from a put-upon ghostwriter to a full-fledged author, and also gets a lifelong friend in Draco, a genuine vampire who she eagerly promises to share her royalties with.
- Establishing Character Moment: The opening act shows that Peter only writes stories where vampires are staked through the heart, establishing his Creative Sterility. Jayne, who's more passionate about vampires, knows all sorts of other methods for vampires to die besides getting staked in the heart, like garlic, sunlight, crosses, running water, and silver.
- Fluffy the Terrible: Draco introduces himself to Peter by noting that his first name is "Jeffrey".
- Foreshadowing: During the opening scene, Jayne posits an idea that the vampire in Peter's novel is killed by something silver, like a letter opener. Halfway through the episode, it's revealed that real-life vampires can indeed be killed by silver, which Peter tries to use for his benefit.
- Friendly Neighborhood Vampire: At first, Draco tells Peter that he just wants sacntuary in his apartment, and that he kills only when he has to, snacking on Carla because he was hungry and she won't be missed. That said, he kills Peter after the hack author tries to kill him, having already denied him his royalties.
- It's All About Me: Peter is intensely selfish, stealing Jayne's ideas for his novels and denying Draco his fair share of the royalties to better himself.
- It Was a Dark and Stormy Night: An unseen thunderstorm brews outside Peter's window when the Count introduces himself.
- Jedi Mind Trick: Draco can utilize a variation of the trick, using his hypnotic control to force Peter into not calling the cops on him, and does the same thing to Peter's cleaning lady Carla so she can become his dinner.
- Jerkass: Peter, who isn't afraid to kill or steal from anyone in his life to further his career.
- Karmic Jackpot: For promising her fair share of the royalties to Draco (as well as unknowingly helping him come back to life), Jayne not only receives a lifetime's worth of vampire novels, but a lifelong friendship with a genuine vampire.
- Large Ham: Peter, as snarkily played by Jeff Conaway.
- Laser-Guided Karma: Draco ends up killing Peter when Jayne's blood comes into contact with his ashes, allowing him to revive.
- Lighter and Softer: There's a good amount of horror elements to be seen, but Peter and Jayne's antics make the episode a dark comedy instead of just dark.
- Money, Dear Boy: In-Universe. Peter explicitly tells Jayne that he writes about vampires, which he doesn't believe in and knows nothing about, purely for money.
- Noble Demon: Draco is largely courteous and polite with both Peter and Jayne, only killing the former when he's denied his rightful share of royalties and nearly killed by the author. Even before that, he tells Peter that he only kills if he absolutely has to.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Count Draco resembles Christopher Lee as a reference to the actor's many performances as Dracula.
- Not So Above It All: At the end of the episode, Draco puts on a pair of sunglasses as he invites Jayne to fly with him.
- Offscreen Teleportation: Draco is capable of the ability, disappearing and reappearing when he and Peter first meet.
- Our Vampires Are Different: Draco tells Peter that vampires can be brought back to life if human blood or a woman's tears are scattered on their ashes after they're killed. The Count himself is killed by antique silverware Peter places in his coffin, and he is able to revive when Jayne's blood touches his ashes.
- Plagiarism in Fiction: Peter shamelessly uses other people's ideas for his mediocre novels, not even bothering to give them credit or royalties. Realistically, Jayne returns to his home to give him a lawsuit for plagiarism, as Peter clearly stole everything she gave him for the five novels he wrote before 900 Years of Darkness.
- Playing with Fire: Among Draco's vampiric abilities is the power to conjure fire, which he does to the draft Peter was working on in the opening scene.
- Plucky Girl: Peter's technical advisor/ghostwriter Jayne is eccentric and passionate about writing vampire stories, and she doesn't much like the way Peter steals her work for his novels. When Draco kills her former partner, she's over the moon to finally get the chance to make it as an author in her own right, as well as gaining Draco's friendship after she promises to split the royalties with him evenly.
- Politically Incorrect Villain: Peter shows some mild racism when he spies his cleaning lady Carla, who he suspects to be an illegal immigrant, approaching his home, inviting Draco to feed on her before the pair get to writing.
- Reduced to Dust: Drago becomes a pile of ash when Peter stabs his heart with an antique silver fork and he falls in a patch of sunlight, but he comes back when Jayne's blood is scattered on his ashes.
- The Renfield: Draco briefly turns Peter into one via his hypnotic control to keep him from calling the police on him.
- Shout-Out: Jayne pretends to be the Robot when she refuses Peter's decision to have his In-Universe vampire be staked through the heart in the opening scene. The ending scene similarly has her saying that she and Draco are in "the start of a beautiful friendship", complete with the Bogart voice.
- Silver Has Mystic Powers: Silver can kill vampires, and Peter tries to snuff Draco by filling his coffin with antique silverware and waving a silver letter opener in his face. It works, but Jayne's blood brings the vampire back to life.
- Sinister Silhouettes: The shadow of Draco's bat form can be seen crossing the walls of Peter's office as he gets working, just before he regains human form outside his window.
- Start of Darkness: Draco tells a note-writing Peter that he became a vampire 900 years ago, when he was a knight in Medieval France who tried to storm the castle of a vampiric prince of the same name. Peter thinks that he wanted to steal the gold and treasure in the prince's castle, but Draco was a man of honor, and thus challenged the prince to a fair fight for said treasure. Needless to say, this didn't end well for the knight one bit.
- Super-Strength: Another one of Draco's powers, which he demonstrates by breaking an antique wooden stake in Peter's office with his bare hands, and later uses on Peter himself to make him get the silverware out of his coffin.
- This Is Gonna Suck: Right as Peter sees Draco's coffin completely empty, he sighs morosely just as Draco feeds on him, having guessed what was about to happen to him.
- Time Skip: A couple of times, the plot lurches forward to Peter lounging in the success that 900 Years of Darkness has given him.
- Villain with Good Publicity: Peter and Draco, who work together to put the latter's horrific acts on paper.
- World of Ham: Everyone gets pretty nuts here, especially Peter and Jayne.
- Writers Suck: Peter's ideas are bland and unoriginal, so he routinely steals material that his more talented and passionate ghostwriter Jayne dispenses. During their confrontation near the end of the first act, she finds it highly unbelievable that someone like him could've written 900 Years of Darkness, and actively sues him for plagiarism since he she's basically responsible for everything done to the first five novels he wrote, except for the actual writing.
- You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: After the Time Skip, Peter fired Jayne via a letter from his lawyer, as he no longer needs a ghostwriter when he has a genuine ghoul giving him ideas. He tries to do the same to Draco so he can keep all the fame and glory, but the Count doesn't go down so easily.
