"Did I mention that if they die, then our show gets cancelled, and the next thing you know, we'll be making guest appearances on the new Love Boat!"
—David Schwimmer
The fourth episode of the second season of Celebrity Deathmatch, also known as The Time Machine.
This episode consists of three pre-determined fights. The first undercard fight features a three-way brawl between Friends stars Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, and Lisa Kudrow. The second undercard fight pits James Bond icons Sean Connery and Roger Moore against each other. The main event brings back two historic leaders from the past, Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan.
This episode contains examples of:
- Actual Pacifist: Despite getting his ass handed to him, Genghis Khan just simply chooses not to fight back.
- Agony of the Feet: Lisa Kudrow stomps on Jennifer Aniston's foot during the earlier moments of their fight.
- Attack the Mouth: During the early moments of their fight, Courteney Cox hits Lisa Kudrow in the mouth with her knee.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Mahatma Gandhi, while known for being a pacifist when he was alive, is an absolutely unstoppable maniac when his fight against Genghis Khan begins. He doesn't stop even after winning the fight.
- By Wall That Is Holey: After David Schwimmer is thrown into one of the walls of the sitcom set in the ring, it causes all three of them to fall over and crush everyone in the ring...except for Mills Lane, who is stood conveniently in front of an open window.
- The Cameo: This episode features appearances from David Schwimmer, Matthew Perry, Matt Le Blanc, and James Caan.
- Cat Fight: Essentially how Matt Le Blanc and Matthew Perry describe the sight of their female co-stars fighting each other.
- Chekhov's Gunman: The cavewoman that Stone Cold Steve Austin summons through the time machine actually ends up helping Roger Moore win his fight against Sean Connery.
- Comically Missing the Point: When David Schwimmer relents that he isn't comfortable watching his co-stars fight to the death, Matt Le Blanc responds by pointing out that their chairs recline.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: The outcome you'd expect when you put a renowned warlord against a man of peace.
- Everybody's Dead, Dave: In-universe, with the exception of Matthew Perry and Matt Le Blanc, the main cast from Friends are all dead.
- Eye Pop: Jennifer Aniston's eyes momentarily pop out of their sockets when Courteney Cox jumps on her back.
- Frazetta Woman: One of Stone Cold Steve Austin's attempts at summoning the main event fighters via the time machine results in him accidentally transporting a cavewoman.
- Flipping the Table: Jennifer Aniston throws a table football set at Lisa Kudrow and Courteney Cox, despite them insisting that doing so it against the rules.
- Selective Enforcement: Mills Lane promptly enters the ring and says that he'll allow it.
- Forced Sleep: Sean Connery uses a gadget that plays white noise that causes Roger Moore to immediately fall asleep.
- Gutted Like a Fish: Somewhat - Roger Moore uses a coin sorter to partially disembowel Sean Connery.
- A Handful for an Eye: Mahatma Gandhi manages to blind Genghis Khan by throwing some sand in his eye from his loincloth.
- Improvised Catapult: After David Schwimmer warns them about the prospect of losing their jobs, Matthew Perry uses David's reclining chair to throw him into the ring.
- Muscles Are Meaningless: Despite his very small frame, Mahatma Gandhi manages to wield impressive strength, whether that be effortlessly whaling on Genghis Khan with a ring post, or dropping the entire Deathmatch ring on top of him.
- Nasal Trauma: Genghis Khan's nose is bitten off by Mahatma Gandhi very early on in the fight.
- Nose Shove: Sean Connery jams a nose-hair trimmer up Roger Moore's nose...while it's switched on.
- Not the Intended Use: Lampshaded by Johnny when Roger Moore smashes a shaving mirror in Sean Connery's face.
- Our Time Machine Is Different: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin designed the time machine out of various different appliances and scrap metal found lying around the arena.
- Pants-Pulling Prank: Mahatma Gandhi does this to Genghis Khan, moments before his death.
- Parasol of Pain: Courtney Cox manages to use an umbrella handle to yank Jennifer Aniston by the neck during their fight.
- Personality Swap: An overlooked side effect of time travel is that Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan both underwent a personality swap.
- Percussive Maintenance: After two failed attempts at summoning the fighters for the main event, Stone Cold Steve Austin manages to fix the time machine by repeatedly hitting it.
- Put Their Heads Together: Lisa Kudrow does this to Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox during their fight.
- Really Gets Around: It's revealed during a short-lived post-fight interview that Roger Moore, true to the James Bond expectation, is about to get romantic with the cavewoman in his dressing room.
- Skewed Priorities: David Schwimmer isn't happy at how comfortable Matt Le Blanc and Matthew Perry are at the thought of their female co-stars killing each other, and warns them that their deaths will result in Friends getting cancelled and will struggle to find work. Even after the fight ends with all of them dying, they don't seem to be too phased by it.
- Spectator Casualty: Several. Mahatma Gandhi's wrath spills out into the audience, and even single-handedly takes out the entire Celebrity Deathmatch security team without so much as breaking a sweat.
- Squashed Flat:
- Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow and David Schwimmer all meet this end when the sitcom set they are fighting in comes toppling down.
- Sean Connery is crushed beneath a giant boulder that Roger Moore obtains from the cavewoman.
- Time Machine: The Deathmatch Time Machine is unveiled at the beginning of this episode.
- Voice Grunting: Genghis Khan does not utter a single word. He only communicates in grunts and snarls.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: Genghis Khan.
- We Used to Be Friends: David Schwimmer tries to argue this to his male co-stars, in order to stop his female co-stars from killing each other. It falls on deaf ears.
