Comedy
When Jesus said "suffer the little children, come unto me," that's not what he was talking about!
— George Carlin, Back in Town.
Film
Dana Scully: And you think God hears your prayers?
Father Joe: You think he hears yours?
Dana Scully: I didn't bugger 37 altar boys.
Father Joe: You think he hears yours?
Dana Scully: I didn't bugger 37 altar boys.
"They say it's just physical abuse but it's more than that, this was spiritual abuse. You know why I went along with everything? Because priests are supposed to be the good guys."
—Peter Canellos, Spotlight
"I was eleven. And I was preyed upon by father David Holly in Wester. And I don't mean prayed for, I mean preyed upon."
—Phil Saviano, Spotlight
Live-Action TV
"When I was growin' up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddlin' with you, you were one of the ugly kids."
— Nathan, Misfits
Music
A devil in a midnight mass
Killed the boy inside the man
The holy water in his hands
Can never wash away his sins
Hold your breath and count to four
Pinky swears don't work no more
Put my trust in God that day
Not the man that taught His way
I was alive but now I'm singing
Killed the boy inside the man
The holy water in his hands
Can never wash away his sins
Hold your breath and count to four
Pinky swears don't work no more
Put my trust in God that day
Not the man that taught His way
I was alive but now I'm singing
— Billy Talent, "Devil In a Midnight Mass"
Fuck the motherfucker, and fuck you, motherfucker
If you think that motherfucker is sacred.
If you cover for another motherfucker who's a kiddy fucker,
Fuck you, you're no better than the motherfucking rapist.
And if you don't like the swearing that this motherfucker forced from me
Or reckon it shows moral or intellectual paucity,
Then fuck you, motherfucker! This is language one employs
When one is fucking cross about fuckers fucking boys!
If you think that motherfucker is sacred.
If you cover for another motherfucker who's a kiddy fucker,
Fuck you, you're no better than the motherfucking rapist.
And if you don't like the swearing that this motherfucker forced from me
Or reckon it shows moral or intellectual paucity,
Then fuck you, motherfucker! This is language one employs
When one is fucking cross about fuckers fucking boys!
— Tim Minchin, "The Pope Song"
Virginity has been stolen at very young ages
And the extinguisher loses its immunity
Morbid abuse of power in the Garden of Eden
Where the apple gets a youthful face, a youthful face
Eternal silence cries out for justice
Forgiveness is not for sale
Nor is the will to forget
And the extinguisher loses its immunity
Morbid abuse of power in the Garden of Eden
Where the apple gets a youthful face, a youthful face
Eternal silence cries out for justice
Forgiveness is not for sale
Nor is the will to forget
— Epica, "Cry for the Moon"
"He will blame you for his sin
The devil without, and the devil within
From his lair they call a church
He has the power to pervert
He has the right to rape and bugger
For God the Father, and Mary the Mother
In Christ's name he shall pervert
It takes a priest to unleash the beast"
The devil without, and the devil within
From his lair they call a church
He has the power to pervert
He has the right to rape and bugger
For God the Father, and Mary the Mother
In Christ's name he shall pervert
It takes a priest to unleash the beast"
—Inkubus Sukkubus, "Preacher Man"
Video Game
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but is Saul's bedroom any place for a drugged, young altar boy? I think he's evidence enough for me to send Saul back to Hell!"
Web Original
"Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!"
— Alucard, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Episode 1
"What do I do? What do I do? I could try seducing him... wait, I'm not an eight year-old boy, shit!"
— Seras, regarding Anderson, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Episode 1
Alucard: Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the nine-year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh, right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the Word of God. All over his back.
— Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Episode 3
Priest: Oh, but I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!
Maxwell: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?
Priest: Amongst...other things...
Maxwell: Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house?!
Priest: [stammers wordlessly]
Maxwell: Wow.
Maxwell: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?
Priest: Amongst...other things...
Maxwell: Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house?!
Priest: [stammers wordlessly]
Maxwell: Wow.
— Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Episode 4 Preview
"Hey there, padre, how's little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water!! Did you miss me?!"
— Alucard, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 8
Anderson: Any last words, monster?
Alucard: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink, before they wake up in an hour.
Alucard: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink, before they wake up in an hour.
— Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Episode 8
Gohan: Mr. Guru, sir? My friend Krillin told me that you could help us by... touching me.
Guru: Do I look Catholic to you?
Nail: Sir, I think he means he wants you to release his hidden potential.
Gohan: Yeah, that.
Guru: Do I look Catholic to you?
Nail: Sir, I think he means he wants you to release his hidden potential.
Gohan: Yeah, that.
And then the Christian Right stepped up in the form of Donny Benson, superconservative leader of the National Bible Truths Foundation. He'd battled with us before, but we thought Donny was too Christian to kick us while we were down. We were wrong. (My one consolation is that Donny got caught a few weeks later in a hotel room with a ball gag, a blindfold, an electrical-stimulation kit, and a teenage boy.)
Dan: [narrating] My name is Clements. I used to be a priest. Not much use for those nowadays.
Ross: Not with all these little boys gone!
Ross: Not with all these little boys gone!
—Steam Train's playthrough of Organ Trail
