Boy: Hey look, it's clean shirt.
Mark: ('Clean shirt'? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?)
Mark: (Toni is Russia: vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: manageable... won't put up too much of a fight.)
Mark: (Everything's okay in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.)
Mark: I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.
Mark: For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.
[In a flashback of drug induced state:]
Jez: (Floss is boss. Floss is boss.)
[Begins to strangle Super Hans with dental floss]
Jez: FLOSS IS BOSS! FLOSS IS BOSS!
Jez: Look mate, I'm next door. I heard you. Your... noise. Last night.
Super Hans: Oh, that. That was nothing. That was... press-ups.
Jez: Yep, well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few... a lot.
Therapist: Have you ever done a Rorschach test? Just tell me what you see.
Mark: (A hairy twat. A hungry, devouring twat.) ...a kitten?
Mark: (Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.)
[Taking a seat in a university seminar:]
Mark: (Is that it? Is that how easy it is to steal some education? Bloody hell, who's in charge? The world's just people walking around, going in to rooms and saying things. It's all a big swizzle!)
Jez: Look, I'm not a student. I am a real person.
Mark: (I'm staring into the abyss. I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.)
Mark: (Brilliant. Probably looks like I was going to punch him, when actually I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield.)
Mark: (I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.)
Jez: Suze, they're mushrooms; they're completely natural! Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.
[While bonding with a carpenter:]
Jez: (Shit, we're so angry together. The righteous indignation of the common man! Maybe we can start a union... the Woodworkers and General Persons Union.)
[After drugging Mark to keep him from interfering with his magic mushroom night:]
Jez: (It's not like I'm going to rape him. I could rape him... I'm not going to rape him.)
Mark: (Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it's all a big laugh.)
Jez: (While she's talking, I'll just use my mind to think about other things. She can't stop my mind!)
Mark: Saying 'I love you' is like firing first in a duel. If you miss, you're fucked!
Mark: You'd be the first to admit that you're not the most rational thinker.
Jez: No I wouldn't!
Mark: You still don't understand what happens in Ocean's Eleven.
Jez: It's a complicated film.
Mark: It really isn't.
Mark: (Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?)
Jez: (It's almost like a moral decision, but not really 'cause nobody will find out.)
Sophie: Bye. Love you!
Mark: I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)
[While getting a lap dance in a strip club:]
Mark: (Oh, great! Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Uhhh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality? As though I'm so used to real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude... smiling encouragement? That's not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs. And the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it makes you feel sick! Oh great, now I'm getting an erection. How grimly predictable.)
Mark: (Maybe it would've been simpler just to kill him. I should know how to kill someone by now. I've watched enough CSI.)
Lucy: Can I get a metre of vodka... with an inch of tonic?
Mark: (Come on, Mark, turn it on! Play the game!) Oh, er, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational... er, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind... (Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.)
Jez: (I'm eating dog leg! This is definitely a new low.)
Co-worker: Erm, Mark, I just want to say about the wedding... that I think you're a real piece of shit.
Mark: Oh... OK. (That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.)
Mark: You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg until it hatches, not eat it like some greedy, mad chicken.
[After being offered a gig at a Christian music festival:]
Jez: We'd be selling our souls.
Super Hans: Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.
Mark: Promotion! Finally, all the back-biting, and plotting, and arse-kissing, and credit-stealing, and hard work has paid off!
Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
Mark: The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.
Jez: [stroking the leather] It's a creamy elephant!
Mark: Please don't call it the creamy elephant.
Mark: (Oh my God, there's a baby in there, about the size of a croissant. A terrifying, life-altering croissant-baby!)
Jez: (What a bastard! Destroys my perfect love just because it's built on lies!)
Mark: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK. Like the environment.
Mark: It'd be like picking off bystanders with a sniper rifle: fun at first, but it would quickly become a depressing chore.
Jez: Big of you, inviting him.
Mark: I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.
[Dobby shows up late to Mark's party:]
Dobby: Shit, I was on for a biggie. Is it petering out?
Mark: Are you kidding? It's petering up! It's about to hit maximum peter!
Mark: [to Jeremy] The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish, moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation. But you, my friend, are not evil.
Jez: What happens if you eat letterbox hairs?
Mark: Strangely, there's been very little research into that scenario.
Jez: Why does post even need brushing? Who wants brushed post?
[While trapped in Zahra's building, Jez finds a shelving bracket:]
Jez: Hey, look, Mark: a thing! A... bit! This is our ticket out of here. We could do anything with this!
Mark: Your faith in 'the bit' is touching, Jez.
Jez: We could smash a window, or break a lock, or hit a man over the head with it... It's like Whose Line Is It Anyway? for criminals!
Ben: [on the phone] Look, I just think beanie hats are what it's all about now, dude. ...Well, I don't know why they're called 'beanie hats'. Maybe it's because in the olden days people used to store beans in them? Who fucking cares?
Jez: I'm a Christmasist.
Super Hans: It's awful, isn't it, cancer. They want to find a cure.
Mark: I think they're trying.
Super Hans: Well, they want to pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.