- "FLOSS IS BOSS!"
- "Early in the morning counts as late at night, and we agreed no reggae music late at night!"
- Mark's shocked reaction to Jeremy walking out in full blackface.
- On their way to their alma mater, Jeremy incorrectly guesses Mark's field of study (ancient history as opposed to business studies) despite them being friends for years. He wonders if making a pun about it will make Mark even unhappier and decides to do it anyway; Mark's completely disappointed reaction seals the deal.
- Mark being a Bad Liar when he talks about feeding Gog sushi, "It's all right Gog you're not ''meant'' to cook it its ''supposed'' to be raw!".
- "Quantocking": Mark and Jeremy accidentally wandering onto the moors, arguing about geography, rationing
theirMark's chocolate bar, and Jeremy advising Mark not to give up on women entirely because there are still "she-males, Thai brides, all of God's rich tapestry!"
- "Piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that simple; the floodgates are open!"
- "Look, I've surprised you. What a... brilliant joke!"
- "That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute? Just for the night? Kind of like a wedding present?"
- On Mark's stag weekend, when Jeremy kills a dog by accident, they both burn it, and then later Jeremy eats it in front of the owners all while trying to convince them it's 'turkey', despite it being huge, hairy...and having the dog's name tag on it.
- "'Mummy' is probably the turkey's nickname! It could easily be!"
- The Megatron.
- The episode "Nether Zone" where Mark and Jeremy get locked in the hallway outside Zahra's flat. Jez wastes some of his phone's remaining battery to order pizza, which has to be mailed through the letterbox piece by piece between the pages of a magazine so it doesn't get "fucked with the brush". As Jez answers his phone and the delivery-man continues mailing the pizza through, Mark is reduced to acting as "Jeremy's mad pizza butler".
- "Fucking fucklebucks!"
- "Maybe I could make the jump...more than likely I'd just splatter like a blood-filled pumpkin."
- Whatever is happening inside Super-Hans' flat on New Year's. We never see it or find out what it was, but it prompts hardcore drug user Super-Hans to say:
- Super-Hans: Don't do it, it's the Heart of Darkness in there Jez! [...] I just wanna mong out with a tuna sandwich and listen to some Snow Patrol, be in a controlled environment, y'know?
- Jeremy is contemplating drowning his love-interest's girlfriend and resolves that it would 'be so much easier if she wasn't a human being, with hopes, dreams, and clinging, grasping arms.'
- The things that go through Mark and Jeremy's heads when he's lost on the Quantocks is just down right hilarious.
Mark: This is definitely the way to the hotel. I haven't been walking around in cricles for the last hour. That would be ridiculous. That's just not going to happen. That tree does look very familiar. Don't panic! Of course it does! It's just a tree, they all look alike. That's why you don't have celebrity trees. Actually, I bet soon they will have celebrity trees. Tsk!Jeremy: I really wish I hadn't smoked that joint before I came out here. It's a very bad time to have the munchies. I don't want to be the first person to die of the munchies [...] Wow! A dead...big rabbit?! My god that is a massive rabbit. Maybe I should eat it. Why not? It's meat. If it was shaved and had its head and feet cut off, and put in a polystyrene tray, it would probably go for £11.99 in Tesco's Finest. Plus, it's probably really healthy. Cavemen lived off stuff like this and they weren't going around complaining of bad backs and diabetes. They were running away from lions and hiding in trees and jumping on gazelles. Yeah! Lovely, rotting carrion. (Lifts a stick and begins poking it) I could toast it with my lighter for a bit, part by part. Big rabbit kebab. Be something to tell people. Although, not necessarily in a good way. Actually... might leave it. Not because it's probably bursting with maggots, because it's disrespectful (lifts it up) to a fallen comrade of the night. God speed you, oh giant rabbit. (he throws it into a bush)
- After Jeff makes a crack at Mark about Sophie living in Bristol:
- Mark: Good one, mate.Inner voice:When was the last time Sophie sent you a template, fuckface?
- Mark is trying to stop Jeremy having sex with Big Suze:
- Jeremy: Mark, if I have to fuck you to fuck her, I will. So you be careful where you stand.
- During the paintball episode, Super Hans and Mark are the final members of their team and attempt to make one final push. Mark quotes Napoleon for inspiration. However the quote has nothing to do with warfare.
- Super Hans:I'm gonna' Jackson Pollock these mother-fuckers! SUPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRHANNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS.
- In one of the extras for series 1, you get to hear the full version of Jeremy's... "song". One of the lines is, "No, mum, I'm not coming in for my fucking tea! You can eat it all by your fucking self!"
- Jeremy talking to Jeff at the bar.
- Jeff: ...so basically, man is programmed to do two things: kill and knob. In the Stone Age, you'd get up, kill an antelope...*Beat*Jeff (unsure of how to properly react): ...No, Jez.
- Jeff intimidates Mark into buying condoms for Jeff and Sophie. Mark's inner dialogue:
- Mark: Ok. Fetherlite. Don't want him to enjoy it any more than is strictly necessary. Ultra Strong. Yeah, he won't feel a thing. But then maybe he'll last longer and- oh, Jesus, this is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins...and then Sophie got pregnant and therefore he ended up getting married. Got to think through these plans more. I'll just go for these: colored. At least it'll make him look faintly ridiculous. I win...in the most minor way possible.
- Jeremy's reaction upon hearing about how Gerrard died from flu.
- Jeremy: Bloody hell... that is so Gerrard.
- An unusual-for-this-show bit of physical comedy: Mark's dancing.
- Mark, undergoing therapy, is asked to do a word-association exercise. He tries to sanitize his answers.
- Therapist: Okay, let's start with an obvious one. Work.Mark: (Snake-pit.) Snake... charmer.Therapist: Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.Mark: (Everything.) ...not everything.Therapist: Children.Mark: (Blind.) Uh, short.Therapist: Father.Mark: (Führer.) Football.Therapist: Mother.Mark: (Sophie.) Fuck! No, not fuck!
- Super Hans' apparently out-of-character stag night.
- Super Hans: Listen. I thought we'd hang here for a bit, little stroll down Oxford Street, take in the funny T-shirts, hit up one of my fave Prets, more juice, bit of a relax, then this avo, shopping, relax, juice and then Tussauds. They've got a waxwork of Zoella and some other wicked Youtubers.
- After Hans has one pint of beer, the Gilligan Cut is employed incredibly well:
Super Hans, picking up a pint: Just to wet the whistle...oh, that is quite refreshing.Super Hans: OH! I just wanna fuck and suck, fuck and suck, FUCK AND SUCK—everyone! (everyone joins in) I just wanna fuck and suck, all the whole night through! (Hans on his own) I love cocaine, I LOVE COCAIIIINE!
- In the Season 7 Christmas Special, "Seasonal Beatings", Mark is stressed about having family over for Christmas, and Jeremy playing an innocent prank on him causes him to go absolutely ballistic.
Mark: Where's the turkey, Jeremy?
Mark: The turkey. Where's the turkey?
Jeremy: [flatly] I thought you were getting the turkey.
Mark: You what? No turkey? You FUCKING IDIOT, Jeremy, you TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! That was YOUR JOB, you fucking moron! YOU CRETIN. You're a FUCKHEAD, that's what you are, a FUCKING SHITHEAD!
Jeremy: [on the verge of tears] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
Mark: [suddenly calm] Oh, I see...Oh.
Jeremy: Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey. I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious. [opens fridge to reveal turkey]
Mark: [meekly] That looks like a lovely turkey. I'm sorry, I...flew off the handle a bit.
Jeremy: That wasn't very Christmassy.
Mark: No it wasn't. I apologise.