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Chapter 1
Dad: Now, now, you two. This is no time for fighting. BEHOLD!! You're in Mayview, the town on two hills, with nothing but a pristine lake and friendly people in between!!
(Beat)
Max: ...Did you just say "behold"?
Dad: Don't ruin this for me, Max.
(Beat)
Max: ...Did you just say "behold"?
Dad: Don't ruin this for me, Max.
Suzy: Darn it, Collin, I'm a terrible journalist.
Collin: Whoa, hey. No you're not. You're just a terrible person.
Collin: Whoa, hey. No you're not. You're just a terrible person.
By now it should be apparent that Paranatural is an elaborate advertisement for hair and blue jeans.
Jeff: NNNNNZIGGAZIGGA-NEW-KID!? No way! No one told us or nothin'!
Violet: Oh, you absolute dork. There's a first impression you'll never live down.
Lisa: Teehee. Zigga.
Violet: Oh, you absolute dork. There's a first impression you'll never live down.
Lisa: Teehee. Zigga.
Cody: So what do you think of Mayview, Max?
Max: ...Adjectives fail me.
Jeff: You know what fails me? Mr. Garcia, 'cause I don't laugh at his bad jokes.
Violet: It could be that, Jeff, or it could be you writing the wrong answers on his tests.
Max: ...Adjectives fail me.
Jeff: You know what fails me? Mr. Garcia, 'cause I don't laugh at his bad jokes.
Violet: It could be that, Jeff, or it could be you writing the wrong answers on his tests.
Gooooooood....
...AFTERNOOON!!! IT'STIMEFORENGLISHYESITIS
...AFTERNOOON!!! IT'STIMEFORENGLISHYESITIS
— Mr. Starchman's introduction, starting here
and ending Chapter 1, page 44
and ending Chapter 1, page 44Ed: (into walkie-talkie) Come in, Creepy Weasel. This is Papa Dragon King. Target's trail is showing evidence of poltergeisting. Property damage imminent. Requesting danger level change to code Delta 3 Orange Soda.
Mr. Spender: That's not a thing, Ed.
Mr. Spender: That's not a thing, Ed.
Don't bother getting up. You'll be back on the floor in a few moments.
— Isabel, giving a Pre-Asskicking One-Liner in Chapter 1, page 54
(cute mode) Are you trying to scare me?
(awesome mode) That's going to be hard.
(awesome mode) That's going to be hard.
— Isabel, giving another Pre-Asskicking One-Liner, same page.
Max: (answers phone) Hey, Doghouse. What's shakin'?
"Doghouse": BRO!
Max: Ow
"Doghouse": It's been too long, bro! Sam said you're all moved in and sending her mopey text messages!
Max: It's been two days. ...And I'm not mopey.
"Doghouse": So wuhssa word, bro? Anything good to climb and/or jump off of?!
Max: Well... there's like these... gully... sewer things... uh... It's pretty bad. Listen, Doghouse, buddy, I can't really talk right now. I'm at school... in a closet... ...A locked closet.
"Doghouse": HUH?! D'joo scone the local protein already?!
Max: ...It was a small, cheerful girl that did this, actually.
(Beat)
"Doghouse": ...Typical.
"Doghouse": BRO!
Max: Ow
"Doghouse": It's been too long, bro! Sam said you're all moved in and sending her mopey text messages!
Max: It's been two days. ...And I'm not mopey.
"Doghouse": So wuhssa word, bro? Anything good to climb and/or jump off of?!
Max: Well... there's like these... gully... sewer things... uh... It's pretty bad. Listen, Doghouse, buddy, I can't really talk right now. I'm at school... in a closet... ...A locked closet.
"Doghouse": HUH?! D'joo scone the local protein already?!
Max: ...It was a small, cheerful girl that did this, actually.
(Beat)
"Doghouse": ...Typical.
If I knew... you were so dedicated to this whole "not getting beaten up by me" shtick... I'd have stretched or something.
— Isabel, giving a Pre Ass Kicking One Liner in Chapter 1, page 56
(dramatically) Black spectral energy!? That's... (normally) ...fairly common.
— Mr. Spender, Chapter 1, page 59
Mr. Spender: Faint, purple wisps that appear and disappear in a heartbeat: seeing them is how it begins. We call these visions shades.
Isaac: They'll appear more frequently and in greater detail until eventually you see them for what they really are...
Max: ...Ghosts.
Isabel: Some of them, yeah.
Isaac: (draws on whiteboard) That creature that attacked you wasn't a ghost—it was a spirit. Unlike ghosts, spirits were never alive, for lack of a better word.
Max: Those drawings are horrendous, for lack of a better word.
Mr. Spender: Isaac, you're embarrassing the whole club.
Isaac: They'll appear more frequently and in greater detail until eventually you see them for what they really are...
Max: ...Ghosts.
Isabel: Some of them, yeah.
Isaac: (draws on whiteboard) That creature that attacked you wasn't a ghost—it was a spirit. Unlike ghosts, spirits were never alive, for lack of a better word.
Max: Those drawings are horrendous, for lack of a better word.
Mr. Spender: Isaac, you're embarrassing the whole club.
Max: OK, so ghosts are real. Hot dog. Why can I see them?
Isaac: A near death experience, prolonged exposure to supernatural phenomena, a diet obnoxiously high in citrus...
Isaac: A near death experience, prolonged exposure to supernatural phenomena, a diet obnoxiously high in citrus...
Mr. Spender: Well. Introductions. You know me, of course.
Max: Right. Mr. Splendid.
Mr. Spender: Spender. AHEM. Moving right along, this is Ed.
Ed: (picking nose) We've met.
Mr. Spender: Over here we have Isabel.
Isabel: Sorry about the whole [locking you in a] closet thing.
Mr. Spender: And lastly we have Isaac, who is desperately trying to claw his way up from his position as club mascot by undermining my authority.
Isaac: (drawing "Mr. Splendid") I will dance on your grave, sir.
Max: Right. Mr. Splendid.
Mr. Spender: Spender. AHEM. Moving right along, this is Ed.
Ed: (picking nose) We've met.
Mr. Spender: Over here we have Isabel.
Isabel: Sorry about the whole [locking you in a] closet thing.
Mr. Spender: And lastly we have Isaac, who is desperately trying to claw his way up from his position as club mascot by undermining my authority.
Isaac: (drawing "Mr. Splendid") I will dance on your grave, sir.
Suzy: CRIME OF ALL CRIMES! Max ignores my invitation and then starts flitting about with the Activity Club!? INEXCUSABLE!
No, no, NO! They're exchanging contact information! WE SAW HIM FIRST! No, don't wave goodbye! SPIT IN THEIR FACES!!
O-oh, I get it! He's infiltrating them to do some hardcore muckraking! Yeah!
Collin: I'd shatter that sad illusion, but it's probably the only thing keeping you from blowing up his house.
Suzy: Collin, Dimitri. This betrayal demands an INVESTIGATION!!
Collin: Is this going to end with you blowing up his house?
Dimitri: This is going to end up with her blowing up his house.
No, no, NO! They're exchanging contact information! WE SAW HIM FIRST! No, don't wave goodbye! SPIT IN THEIR FACES!!
O-oh, I get it! He's infiltrating them to do some hardcore muckraking! Yeah!
Collin: I'd shatter that sad illusion, but it's probably the only thing keeping you from blowing up his house.
Suzy: Collin, Dimitri. This betrayal demands an INVESTIGATION!!
Collin: Is this going to end with you blowing up his house?
Dimitri: This is going to end up with her blowing up his house.
Dad: (attacks with plastic lightsaber) Fiendish rogue! I'll end this fight with a knee to your guts, Zoey!
Zoey: (defends with broom) Roguish fiend! I'll fight to the end and gut your knees, Father!
Dad: The loss is yours, daughter-of-mine! My knees have no guts to gut!!
Zoey: (defends with broom) Roguish fiend! I'll fight to the end and gut your knees, Father!
Dad: The loss is yours, daughter-of-mine! My knees have no guts to gut!!
Chapter 2
Max: (uses choke hold) Haunt ME, will you!?
Ghost: Mercy, mercy! I don't want to DIE!!
(Beat)
Max: ...Heh heh...
Ghost: Mercy, mercy! I don't want to DIE!!
(Beat)
Max: ...Heh heh...
Guys, I'm pretty sure what this comic needs is more characters.
— Alt Text for the same page, after introducing more characters.
, after introducing more characters.I swear, hissing is the worst defense mechanism for things without poisonous fangs. It just gives your exact location away to things that do have them.
— Max, Chapter 2, page 7
Max: Man, PJ, how am I supposed to know which of these ungaingly little freaks set Hissing Pete off?!
PJ: W-what if none of 'em did? Pete could've just realized there's a lotta scary stuff in the world. ...Like meteorites and the elderly.
PJ: W-what if none of 'em did? Pete could've just realized there's a lotta scary stuff in the world. ...Like meteorites and the elderly.
Max: So, PJ. Have you been, uh... dead for long?
PJ: ...Too long.
Max: Too long? You planning to... to pass on soon?
PJ: Not my choice. Ghosts get all white n' forgetty after a while. Then they just fade away.
Max: How long is "a while?"
PJ: Well, it depe—
Max: Five years?
PJ: (gives Max odd look)
Max: My mom, she... If I could talk to-
PJ: Was hers a sudden, grisly sort of death?
Max: C-come agai—!? I mean, I gue-
PJ: GREAT!!
Max: (traumatized look)
PJ: All the more reason for your mother's phantom husk to still be taunting this torturous plane! Ha ha.
PJ: ...Too long.
Max: Too long? You planning to... to pass on soon?
PJ: Not my choice. Ghosts get all white n' forgetty after a while. Then they just fade away.
Max: How long is "a while?"
PJ: Well, it depe—
Max: Five years?
PJ: (gives Max odd look)
Max: My mom, she... If I could talk to-
PJ: Was hers a sudden, grisly sort of death?
Max: C-come agai—!? I mean, I gue-
PJ: GREAT!!
Max: (traumatized look)
PJ: All the more reason for your mother's phantom husk to still be taunting this torturous plane! Ha ha.
Paranatural: kids repeatedly traumatizing each other.
— Zack, Same page.
Frog-Spirit: (pulls reflection of itself out off glass)
PJ: Lamb on a ham sandwich! That thing has superpowers just like you, Mr. Max!
Max: Haha right just like me
PJ: ...Mr. Max, how do your powers stack up against bringing reflections to life?
Max: Oh, it's no contest, PJ.
PJ: W-well, what sort of... non-contest... would it... not be? You never said what powers you have.
Max: Ghost-sight. The ability to conjure an impenetrable wall of cynicism. ...The potential to have actual superpowers in the future.
PJ: I thought you were a hero.
Max: Don't gimme that, PJ. That frog thing's no threat. I'll just whack it like I-
Frog-Spirit: (picks up living reflection and eats it) *GLORF!!* *SKLORTCH* *BLORCH* *BLUB* *GLUB* *MURFF* *RUMF-MMFF* *GLORP!*
Max: OK that's a little out of my comfort zone. Gonna call for some backup.
PJ: Lamb on a ham sandwich! That thing has superpowers just like you, Mr. Max!
Max: Haha right just like me
PJ: ...Mr. Max, how do your powers stack up against bringing reflections to life?
Max: Oh, it's no contest, PJ.
PJ: W-well, what sort of... non-contest... would it... not be? You never said what powers you have.
Max: Ghost-sight. The ability to conjure an impenetrable wall of cynicism. ...The potential to have actual superpowers in the future.
PJ: I thought you were a hero.
Max: Don't gimme that, PJ. That frog thing's no threat. I'll just whack it like I-
Frog-Spirit: (picks up living reflection and eats it) *GLORF!!* *SKLORTCH* *BLORCH* *BLUB* *GLUB* *MURFF* *RUMF-MMFF* *GLORP!*
Max: OK that's a little out of my comfort zone. Gonna call for some backup.
Max: I was just wondering how you felt about amphibian monsters because there is one in my house help please help.
Isabel: Easy, newbie, easy. Is it aggressive? Are you being aggressed?
Max: It has chosen to wage psychological warfare by repeatedly eating itself in front of me.
Isabel: Easy, newbie, easy. Is it aggressive? Are you being aggressed?
Max: It has chosen to wage psychological warfare by repeatedly eating itself in front of me.
Frog-Spirit: RRRRAWAY WITH YOU. I AM FEEDING... AND HAVE NO PATIENCE... FOR THE DEAD.
Max: Um... uh... I'm not a ghost.
Frog-Spirit: [...] YOU WILL BE SOON.
Max: Um... uh... I'm not a ghost.
Frog-Spirit: [...] YOU WILL BE SOON.
Frog-Spirit: CHOOSE YOUR LAST AND SECOND-TO-LAST WORDS, INTERLOPER. I WILL CRUSH YOU AND THEN DEVOUR YOUR GHOST.
Ed: I've got 80 pounds of face-breakin' spectral muscle standin' between you and the rest of your life, not to mention there's an irate magical girl outside likely t'be half as merciful with you as I'm not gonna be. So! I need you to hurry up n' choose before I acquaint you with your internal anatomy: are we gonna do this the easy way, or the I KILL YOU way?
(*)
Ed: I've got 80 pounds of face-breakin' spectral muscle standin' between you and the rest of your life, not to mention there's an irate magical girl outside likely t'be half as merciful with you as I'm not gonna be. So! I need you to hurry up n' choose before I acquaint you with your internal anatomy: are we gonna do this the easy way, or the I KILL YOU way?
(*)
Together, the tools can summon Activitron, a gigantic spectral robot that will appear every chapter to defeat a monster that will inevitably grow bigger when it’s about to lose. Ed is the robot’s right arm, Isabel its left, Mr. Spender is the legs, Isaac is its crippling self-doubt, and Max is the head, which has a detachable hat-shaped escape pod.
— Zack, Same page.
Chapter 3
(Dad & Zoey stare at remnants of ghost battle)
Dad: OK, theory number six. In some sort of diabolic housewarming ritual, Mayview's local death cultists use an improvised splash n' slide...
...to repeatedly slam their faces...
...into the number eleven.
...Written in goat's blood.
Because eleven is a prime number. That's a math thing, Zoey, look it up. Death cultists love math.
Zoey: I don't get it.
Dad: Ha ha. You'll understand when you're smarter. (ruffles her hair)
Zoey: Don't you mean older? (Dad walks away) ...Don't you mean older?
(*)
Dad: OK, theory number six. In some sort of diabolic housewarming ritual, Mayview's local death cultists use an improvised splash n' slide...
...to repeatedly slam their faces...
...into the number eleven.
...Written in goat's blood.
Because eleven is a prime number. That's a math thing, Zoey, look it up. Death cultists love math.
Zoey: I don't get it.
Dad: Ha ha. You'll understand when you're smarter. (ruffles her hair)
Zoey: Don't you mean older? (Dad walks away) ...Don't you mean older?
(*)
Max: (comes downstairs, greets Dad) Father.
Dad: Son.
Zoey: Daughter.
(Max sees Isaac)
Isaac: (points at Max) YOU!
Max: (points at Isaac) YOU!
Isaac: Max!
Max: Youu!
Isaac: (points at himself) ...Isaac.
Max: (snaps fingers) Yes!
Dad: Is that a friend, Max?
Max: In the loose sense of the word, sure.
Dad: ...It's OK to have standards, you know.
Max: Not in this town.
Dad: Son.
Zoey: Daughter.
(Max sees Isaac)
Isaac: (points at Max) YOU!
Max: (points at Isaac) YOU!
Isaac: Max!
Max: Youu!
Isaac: (points at himself) ...Isaac.
Max: (snaps fingers) Yes!
Dad: Is that a friend, Max?
Max: In the loose sense of the word, sure.
Dad: ...It's OK to have standards, you know.
Max: Not in this town.
Max: [...] No one's telling me what I want to know!
Isaac: Man, join the club.
Max: Why, will that help?
Isaac: What? No, I meant...
Like, join the club of not... not being told what...
No, joining the Activity Club will not help, no.
Isaac: Man, join the club.
Max: Why, will that help?
Isaac: What? No, I meant...
Like, join the club of not... not being told what...
No, joining the Activity Club will not help, no.
Max: So, what, you do the club's... laundry? Taxes?
Isaac: Please. I'm not useless. I could completely destroy Ed and Isabel together.
Max: Well that's a dark thought to've thunk, ya creep. Do you assess the murderability of all your friends?
Isaac: It's just a fact.
(Beat)
Max: Sooo... completely destroy them at... chess? Competitive laundry?
Isaac: Shut uuup Max
Isaac: Please. I'm not useless. I could completely destroy Ed and Isabel together.
Max: Well that's a dark thought to've thunk, ya creep. Do you assess the murderability of all your friends?
Isaac: It's just a fact.
(Beat)
Max: Sooo... completely destroy them at... chess? Competitive laundry?
Isaac: Shut uuup Max
(Max picks himself up from the yard he's been tossed into)
Max: (seething) Isaac.
Johnny: 'Ey!!
Why you creepin' in people's yards, ya weirdo? Is that how you get your kicks, prostratin' on strangers' lawns like some kind of pervert lizard? Have you considered instead getting your kicks in the form of actual kicks? Cuz I know a guy.
It's me. I'm the kick guy. Let me kick you.
Max: Johnny, I am picking up real subtle hints that you are a huge ludicrous oaf. I take it you still want to fight me?
Johnny: On a scale of yes to no
Yes.
Max: Wow, you just went full Zen Bully there. Pretty sure I'm enlightened now. And therefore a pacifist. And therefore can't fight you.
Johnny: I'll pass a fist through your face
Max: (seething) Isaac.
Johnny: 'Ey!!
Why you creepin' in people's yards, ya weirdo? Is that how you get your kicks, prostratin' on strangers' lawns like some kind of pervert lizard? Have you considered instead getting your kicks in the form of actual kicks? Cuz I know a guy.
It's me. I'm the kick guy. Let me kick you.
Max: Johnny, I am picking up real subtle hints that you are a huge ludicrous oaf. I take it you still want to fight me?
Johnny: On a scale of yes to no
Yes.
Max: Wow, you just went full Zen Bully there. Pretty sure I'm enlightened now. And therefore a pacifist. And therefore can't fight you.
Johnny: I'll pass a fist through your face
Young Master Isaac. You have spoken of your vow to not use your powers to destroy, and to use violence only to defend. You do not swear these things lightly... ...or without cause. This I know.
However.
You broke the promise between us because you did not fear the consequences of doing so. I have not the strength to stop you should you decide to reduce me to mere function... to make a tool of me. You have the storms. You have my secrets.
In your heart, you knew these things, and allowed them to influence your behavior. This was in itself a small act of violence. Thus, our bond withers into a power relationship.
You have seen the damage a lightning bolt can do. If you wish to be truly just, you must understand the destruction wrought by the shadow of a stormcloud.
Do not forget that your oaths of restraint are a means to an end, not the end itself. Learn to appreciate darkness in its more subtle forms, lest its influence deny you the redemption you seek.
However.
You broke the promise between us because you did not fear the consequences of doing so. I have not the strength to stop you should you decide to reduce me to mere function... to make a tool of me. You have the storms. You have my secrets.
In your heart, you knew these things, and allowed them to influence your behavior. This was in itself a small act of violence. Thus, our bond withers into a power relationship.
You have seen the damage a lightning bolt can do. If you wish to be truly just, you must understand the destruction wrought by the shadow of a stormcloud.
Do not forget that your oaths of restraint are a means to an end, not the end itself. Learn to appreciate darkness in its more subtle forms, lest its influence deny you the redemption you seek.
— The Doorman, Chapter 3, pages 36 and 37
and 37(into phone) ABSOLUTELY NOT!! [...] Since when did B.L. start caring about the gut feelings of vigilantes!? [...] If the Cousinhood wants to trail their greasy trenchcoats all over my town the least they could do is habeas a gosh dang corpus!!... ...EXCUSE YOUR LANGUAGE, TEXAS!! [...] I'll half-swear all I want, you scallion! [...] OUTRANK MY FIST!!
— Mr. Spender, Chapter 3, page 40
Mr. Spender: (into phone) There are no monsters in Mayview. The Cousinhood has no business here. I don't see why this warranted a phone call. Honestly, it's bad enough seeing you in my dreams every night.
Max: (pops up from behind couch) I DO DECLARE
Isaac: SPSSHHHH!!
Mr. Spender: How'd you two get in here??
Max: Through the door, man.
Mr. Spender: Ah, umm! That was... (beat) ...Exactly what it sounded like, I suppose.
Max: (pops up from behind couch) I DO DECLARE
Isaac: SPSSHHHH!!
Mr. Spender: How'd you two get in here??
Max: Through the door, man.
Mr. Spender: Ah, umm! That was... (beat) ...Exactly what it sounded like, I suppose.
Mr. Spender: I will answer [your questions] to the best of my ability and/or the limits of your authorization.
Max: Wow, sounds promising. First off, what's a good place to learn about spectral stuff?
Mr. Spender: You're looking at him. Well, it. Whatever place I am in. Is a good place. Because of me.
I am, as it so happens, something of an amateur spectral scholar. I possess a respectable knowlege of possession, the ins and outs of the grudge process... studied what little supernatural history there is to study... even dabbled in spirit linguistics.
Which is to say, we have come full circle, and you may ask any questions and I will answer to the best of my considerably significant ability.
And/or the limits of your significantly less considerable authorization.
Max: No, no. I mean like besides you. [...]
Mr. Spender: ...I do own a small, personal collection of scholarly volumes written by spectrals, but-
Isaac: W-WHAT?! Since when??
Mr. Spender: Since most of my adult life and leading up to when it was eaten...
Isaac: ISABEL!!
Max: Haha, don't explain that, I want it as is.
Max: Wow, sounds promising. First off, what's a good place to learn about spectral stuff?
Mr. Spender: You're looking at him. Well, it. Whatever place I am in. Is a good place. Because of me.
I am, as it so happens, something of an amateur spectral scholar. I possess a respectable knowlege of possession, the ins and outs of the grudge process... studied what little supernatural history there is to study... even dabbled in spirit linguistics.
Which is to say, we have come full circle, and you may ask any questions and I will answer to the best of my considerably significant ability.
And/or the limits of your significantly less considerable authorization.
Max: No, no. I mean like besides you. [...]
Mr. Spender: ...I do own a small, personal collection of scholarly volumes written by spectrals, but-
Isaac: W-WHAT?! Since when??
Mr. Spender: Since most of my adult life and leading up to when it was eaten...
Isaac: ISABEL!!
Max: Haha, don't explain that, I want it as is.
Max: Who do you work for?
Mr. Spender: ...
...The government. (Beat) I am, after all, a public school teacher. I must say, Maxwell, these are strange questions for a beginner to ask...
Isaac: His questions make sense. I know I wouldn't want to unwittingly be doing spec work for some evil syndicate.
Mr. Spender: The purely hypothetical organization I may or may not work for is an unequivocal and entirely figurative force for good.
Isaac: Then why not acknowledge its obvious existence!? I've seen Mr. Walker, seen others in the same weid suits, seen those mooks at Isabel's place-
Mr. Spender: Isaac, I know you're frustrated, and I feel very ████ about that, but █████ ███████████ to ██████████ ██████ with ████████████ ██████████ ████ █████████
Isaac: STOP DOING THAT!!!
Mr. Spender: ...
...The government. (Beat) I am, after all, a public school teacher. I must say, Maxwell, these are strange questions for a beginner to ask...
Isaac: His questions make sense. I know I wouldn't want to unwittingly be doing spec work for some evil syndicate.
Mr. Spender: The purely hypothetical organization I may or may not work for is an unequivocal and entirely figurative force for good.
Isaac: Then why not acknowledge its obvious existence!? I've seen Mr. Walker, seen others in the same weid suits, seen those mooks at Isabel's place-
Mr. Spender: Isaac, I know you're frustrated, and I feel very ████ about that, but █████ ███████████ to ██████████ ██████ with ████████████ ██████████ ████ █████████
Isaac: STOP DOING THAT!!!
Mr. Spender: Answers I can't give you... answers you can't read in a book... With evidence and insight, they can be assembled safely somewhere else, can they not? (taps forehead)
Isaac: That's "figure stuff out on your own" in enormous jerklord, isn't it?
Max: Are you on the drugs?
Mr. Spender: More than just that. Employ your imagination. (Beat) That was in response to Isaac. I am perfectly lucid. Exceedingly lucid, at times.
Isaac: That's "figure stuff out on your own" in enormous jerklord, isn't it?
Max: Are you on the drugs?
Mr. Spender: More than just that. Employ your imagination. (Beat) That was in response to Isaac. I am perfectly lucid. Exceedingly lucid, at times.
Mr. Spender: The vision [of your spirit] is essentially real to you, so if you were to, say, get your head bitten off by your spirit, that carries over to real life.
Inset Image of Spirit: *nom*
Inset Image of Isaac & Mr. Spender: *genuine distress*
Max: WHAAT?! H-H-How is THAT—
Mr. Spender: It's a supernatural thing. I wouldn't worry about it. (Beat) About how it works, I mean. You should definitely worry about getting your head bitten off.
Inset Image of Spirit: *nom*
Inset Image of Isaac & Mr. Spender: *genuine distress*
Max: WHAAT?! H-H-How is THAT—
Mr. Spender: It's a supernatural thing. I wouldn't worry about it. (Beat) About how it works, I mean. You should definitely worry about getting your head bitten off.
We are not so DIFFERENT, you and I.
The DOOR'S lessons weren't with you when you let loose LIGHTNING to scare that SPHINX, nor when you expressed your ANNOYANCE toward the GLASSES MAN with ELECTRICITY, though you knew it HARMLESS. You may be reluctant to BITE, but you BARE YOUR FANGS READILY.
Your fury is RIGHTEOUS! Your anger, DIVINE! OATHS of RESTRAINT are not for you! You are an AGENT OF JUDGEMENT!
Now hear MY sermon! Let it have FEW WORDS, as befits a GOD'S COMMANDMENTS!
"GOOD" is that which EVIL FEARS...
...and JUSTICE is when you MAKE THOSE FEARS A REALITY!!
The DOOR'S lessons weren't with you when you let loose LIGHTNING to scare that SPHINX, nor when you expressed your ANNOYANCE toward the GLASSES MAN with ELECTRICITY, though you knew it HARMLESS. You may be reluctant to BITE, but you BARE YOUR FANGS READILY.
Your fury is RIGHTEOUS! Your anger, DIVINE! OATHS of RESTRAINT are not for you! You are an AGENT OF JUDGEMENT!
Now hear MY sermon! Let it have FEW WORDS, as befits a GOD'S COMMANDMENTS!
"GOOD" is that which EVIL FEARS...
...and JUSTICE is when you MAKE THOSE FEARS A REALITY!!
— Storm Spirit, Chapter 3, page 48
Zack: This page doesn't have a lot of gags so here is an extra joke to gag on.
Storm Spirit: What do you call an EVIL BEING who is in AWE of my ABSOLUTE POWER?
SMITTEN.
Storm Spirit: What do you call an EVIL BEING who is in AWE of my ABSOLUTE POWER?
SMITTEN.
— Below the same page.
Isabel: (bursts in) Morning patrol, reporting in!
Mr. Spender: Ah, just a moment, Isabel. I believe I've accidentally traumatized the new recruit.
Max: I've never gotten my head bitten off before man I don't wanna take that risk.
Mr. Spender: Now Maxwell, there is nothing to be afraid of. If you feel you are in danger while in a spirit trance, simply distance yourself from your tool and the vision will end. The basis of your connection with your spirit is a mental link. If it can't get at your mind, it can't hurt you. Or help you, for that matter. That is why I threw your backpack all the way over there. While you're close to that bat, your spirit will be sharing your senses, so it's wise to not give it any ideas it may not already have.
About murdering you, I mean.
Max: YEAH I GOT THAT THANKS
Mr. Spender: (brightly) but look on the bright side! Since your spirit can see what you see, it'll know the sort of tough customers it's going to have to deal with if it messes with you!
(looks at Ed & Isabel)
Edward, where is your face?
Isabel: Oh, it got erased. It'll come back. Mine did.
Still waiting on some fingers though.
Mr. Spender: ...How is he breathing?
Isabel: (shrugs) ...Pores?
Max: I AM GOING TO DIE.
(*)
Mr. Spender: Ah, just a moment, Isabel. I believe I've accidentally traumatized the new recruit.
Max: I've never gotten my head bitten off before man I don't wanna take that risk.
Mr. Spender: Now Maxwell, there is nothing to be afraid of. If you feel you are in danger while in a spirit trance, simply distance yourself from your tool and the vision will end. The basis of your connection with your spirit is a mental link. If it can't get at your mind, it can't hurt you. Or help you, for that matter. That is why I threw your backpack all the way over there. While you're close to that bat, your spirit will be sharing your senses, so it's wise to not give it any ideas it may not already have.
About murdering you, I mean.
Max: YEAH I GOT THAT THANKS
Mr. Spender: (brightly) but look on the bright side! Since your spirit can see what you see, it'll know the sort of tough customers it's going to have to deal with if it messes with you!
(looks at Ed & Isabel)
Edward, where is your face?
Isabel: Oh, it got erased. It'll come back. Mine did.
Still waiting on some fingers though.
Mr. Spender: ...How is he breathing?
Isabel: (shrugs) ...Pores?
Max: I AM GOING TO DIE.
(*)
Chapter 4
Zoey: Pizza's here!
Dad: Oh boy! Ah, Zoey, I hope you don't mind... I played for you while you were gone.
Don't worry...
I only lost twice!
Zoey: I was downstairs for two minutes.
We're playing Monopoly.
Dad: I may have made a few risky investments.
Max: He tried to build a, and I quote, "tower citadel worthy of my sorcery" out of like twenty stacked hotels. On Jail.
Dad: Oh boy! Ah, Zoey, I hope you don't mind... I played for you while you were gone.
Don't worry...
I only lost twice!
Zoey: I was downstairs for two minutes.
We're playing Monopoly.
Dad: I may have made a few risky investments.
Max: He tried to build a, and I quote, "tower citadel worthy of my sorcery" out of like twenty stacked hotels. On Jail.
Since you are busy, Max, I, P.J., shall deal with this single-handed.
I just, um, have to find my hand first. Lefty takes walks.
I just, um, have to find my hand first. Lefty takes walks.
— PJ, Chapter 4, page 3
Isabel: (bursts in) Ed!
Ed: (playing video game) I HAVE AN ALIBI
Isabel: How are you doing I'm doing angry
Ed: Well, I have a high number pointscore, but I don't know its conversion rate re: happiness. Do you want me to draw up a chair?
Isabel: No thanks, I'll stand. (flops down on her back)
Ed: Um...
Isabel: Relative to the wall.
Which, I believe, will be my autobiography's title.
Ed: (playing video game) I HAVE AN ALIBI
Isabel: How are you doing I'm doing angry
Ed: Well, I have a high number pointscore, but I don't know its conversion rate re: happiness. Do you want me to draw up a chair?
Isabel: No thanks, I'll stand. (flops down on her back)
Ed: Um...
Isabel: Relative to the wall.
Which, I believe, will be my autobiography's title.
Mr. Spender: (putting on suit footsie pyjamas) How do I look?
Lucifer: ANALOGous to oNE MILLion dolLARS.
Mr. Spender: (dramatically) Then let's get this party started, shall we?
(gets into bed)
(turns off light)
(goes to sleep)
Lucifer: ANALOGous to oNE MILLion dolLARS.
Mr. Spender: (dramatically) Then let's get this party started, shall we?
(gets into bed)
(turns off light)
(goes to sleep)
It's not that I don't appreciate being a lizardman... I'm just worried people see the lizard before they see the man. So from now on, I... I... wanna be a MANLIZARD!
— Greco Stucks, Chapter 4, page 11
Cinnamon Stix: Oy, Spender! Walker's waitin' fa youz on da fifteenth floor. His room.
Mr. Spender: O-oh, I am aware, thank y-
Cinnamon Stix: Ya little meetin' of ta mindless is bein' minded by Boss Leader. You sure getta lotta juicy hweeyurms for a caged boid. Must have yaself a real pritty voice.
Greco Stucks: juicy what?
Mr. Spender: Heh. So I've been told.
Just now.
By you.
Thank you for the compliment
Cinnamon Stix: It was sah-POST t'be an intimidatin' metaphor.
Mr. Spender: Oh.
(*)
Mr. Spender: O-oh, I am aware, thank y-
Cinnamon Stix: Ya little meetin' of ta mindless is bein' minded by Boss Leader. You sure getta lotta juicy hweeyurms for a caged boid. Must have yaself a real pritty voice.
Greco Stucks: juicy what?
Mr. Spender: Heh. So I've been told.
Just now.
By you.
Thank you for the compliment
Cinnamon Stix: It was sah-POST t'be an intimidatin' metaphor.
Mr. Spender: Oh.
(*)
Boss Leader: Don't worry, Rick. I would never let a stranger onto your turf without your permission. Which is why we'll send one of our boys to Mayview to look into the Cousinhood's concerns. They might find something you've missed.
Spender: ...So that's your game.
Boss Leader: ...
Spender: Faced with the threat of frenzied vigilantes being set loose in my town, a visit from a fellow agent sounds like a reasonable alternative. Getting my consent for an internal investigation was your goal all along. Did you set it up this way to spare my feelings? ...It's touching you'd bother, though I'm a little insulted you hoped me too dull to realize when I'm being strongarmed. The Cousinhood... was that a lie? Were they even interested in Mayview in the first place? No... no they definitely were. You just seized the opportunity they presented. That's why Walker was kept out of the loop.
Walker: (in the distance) Whatchy'all whisperin' about?!
Spender: If he's not in on the trick, he has no reason to lie about the Cousinhood approaching him... and I can't claim the whole thing's one big fabrication. I'm thoroughly trapped. Even having figured all this out, I can hardly refuse a cordial inspection without appearing suspicious. Not with outside experts raising red flags. ...Heh. Well played, Boss.
Boss Leader: Don't whine so much, Rick, it's inelegant. There's no consolation prize for describing how you lost.
Spender: I can't call it a loss. That would suggest an internal investigation gives me something to lose.
Boss Leader: So would your entire monologue, you ridiculous nerd.
(*)
Spender: ...So that's your game.
Boss Leader: ...
Spender: Faced with the threat of frenzied vigilantes being set loose in my town, a visit from a fellow agent sounds like a reasonable alternative. Getting my consent for an internal investigation was your goal all along. Did you set it up this way to spare my feelings? ...It's touching you'd bother, though I'm a little insulted you hoped me too dull to realize when I'm being strongarmed. The Cousinhood... was that a lie? Were they even interested in Mayview in the first place? No... no they definitely were. You just seized the opportunity they presented. That's why Walker was kept out of the loop.
Walker: (in the distance) Whatchy'all whisperin' about?!
Spender: If he's not in on the trick, he has no reason to lie about the Cousinhood approaching him... and I can't claim the whole thing's one big fabrication. I'm thoroughly trapped. Even having figured all this out, I can hardly refuse a cordial inspection without appearing suspicious. Not with outside experts raising red flags. ...Heh. Well played, Boss.
Boss Leader: Don't whine so much, Rick, it's inelegant. There's no consolation prize for describing how you lost.
Spender: I can't call it a loss. That would suggest an internal investigation gives me something to lose.
Boss Leader: So would your entire monologue, you ridiculous nerd.
(*)
Paranatural: people of all ages traumatizing each other.
— Zack, Chapter 4, page 20
Hello, cops police?!
It's me. Yes, some pasty fooligans are lifting my shop.
Ha ha, I don't know how, they must be really strong.
(laughs)
Better bring one, maybe two grenades. God Bless America to you too, ma'am. Thanks bye.
It's me. Yes, some pasty fooligans are lifting my shop.
Ha ha, I don't know how, they must be really strong.
(laughs)
Better bring one, maybe two grenades. God Bless America to you too, ma'am. Thanks bye.
— Max, to cell phone, Chapter 4, page 21
Deer-Like Spirit: Thank you, great hero. By gathering all 7 Scepters of Salutation, you have broken the ancient curse that so tormented my people. Now we must return to the Kingdom of Kindness. Though I can give you no prize worthy of your deeds, know that you will be remembered always... as our champion.
Isaac: That won't do, Your Majesty.
Deer-Like Spirit: Oh? But I really do have nothing to give-
Isaac: I would have you remember me... as a friend.
Deer-Like Spirit: (gleaming happiness) I will never forget you, friend human.
Isaac: Nor I you.
Deer-Like Spirit: (departs)
Max: Did I... miss something...?
Isabel: Nah, stuff like this happens every morning. You get used to it.
Isaac: That won't do, Your Majesty.
Deer-Like Spirit: Oh? But I really do have nothing to give-
Isaac: I would have you remember me... as a friend.
Deer-Like Spirit: (gleaming happiness) I will never forget you, friend human.
Isaac: Nor I you.
Deer-Like Spirit: (departs)
Max: Did I... miss something...?
Isabel: Nah, stuff like this happens every morning. You get used to it.
Max: (tugging on baseball bat) Guh! My bat's stuck!!
Isabel: (tugging on bat spirit) HRRFF... same.. here...!!
Isabel: (tugging on bat spirit) HRRFF... same.. here...!!
Johnny: ...So there I was, mindin' my own business—
Ollie: Well actually we were chasin' those nerds though.
Johnny: Right, Ollie, beating on nerds is my business. It is my main source of income. S'how we got that grape. And those golf cards.
Stephen: That's not income if we can't get cash for it-
Johnny: Hey. HEY. This stuff's gonna appreciate in value over time!! What are you? An out-of-work doctor?! Have some patients!
Ollie: Johnny I just lost a lot of respect for you.
Johnny: These things are gonna be worth QUADROUBLE what we stole them for once these suckers kick the bucket. And golfers are notoriously mortal. Use yer brain, Stephen. Ya don't sell yer chickens before they hatch.
Ollie: That's... You do... do that. It's a whole... it's a big thing.
Johnny: WHATEVER We're off topic.
(*)
Ollie: Well actually we were chasin' those nerds though.
Johnny: Right, Ollie, beating on nerds is my business. It is my main source of income. S'how we got that grape. And those golf cards.
Stephen: That's not income if we can't get cash for it-
Johnny: Hey. HEY. This stuff's gonna appreciate in value over time!! What are you? An out-of-work doctor?! Have some patients!
Ollie: Johnny I just lost a lot of respect for you.
Johnny: These things are gonna be worth QUADROUBLE what we stole them for once these suckers kick the bucket. And golfers are notoriously mortal. Use yer brain, Stephen. Ya don't sell yer chickens before they hatch.
Ollie: That's... You do... do that. It's a whole... it's a big thing.
Johnny: WHATEVER We're off topic.
(*)
(holding pool noodle threateningly) Do you want to know that we do to artists?
— Mr. Starchman, Chapter 4, page 30
Jeff: I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, I SWEAR!!
Stephen: Shut up and start talking!
Jeff: I CAN'T DO BOTH OF THOSE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY!
Stephen: Can it, dweeb! I know all about what you do with your legs!
Jeff: THAT'S NOT REALLY PRIVILEGED INFORMATION
Stephen: Shut up and start talking!
Jeff: I CAN'T DO BOTH OF THOSE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY!
Stephen: Can it, dweeb! I know all about what you do with your legs!
Jeff: THAT'S NOT REALLY PRIVILEGED INFORMATION
Don't worry. Peeps won't deduce the whole spirit ghost secret spectral superpowers club thing from a bit of weird behavior.
They'll just think yer crazy!
And if ya really own it, they might even like you! Ha ha!
They'll just think yer crazy!
And if ya really own it, they might even like you! Ha ha!
— Ed, Chapter 4, page 33
Eightfold: Hey, you. Do you know what my power is? I eat the words right outta books, then weave whatever I wanna with the wast weft bweehind.
Ed: Ah, cute
Isabel: That was cute
Max: ...Cute
Eightfold: (grows wings) Wike so! Do you think, then, if I possessed you and made you my medium, your power would be to... ...control your poop
Isabel: (swats Eightfold with spectral-flyswatter)
Eightfold: Isabell whyyyy?
Ed: [...] The color of your spectral energy has t'match the spirit's if you wanna feed it an' use its powers! I'm tellin' you now, Max, 'cause Eightfold asked me the same thing an' I was real upset when I finally realized I'd never be an excrementalist!
Ed: Ah, cute
Isabel: That was cute
Max: ...Cute
Eightfold: (grows wings) Wike so! Do you think, then, if I possessed you and made you my medium, your power would be to... ...control your poop
Isabel: (swats Eightfold with spectral-flyswatter)
Eightfold: Isabell whyyyy?
Ed: [...] The color of your spectral energy has t'match the spirit's if you wanna feed it an' use its powers! I'm tellin' you now, Max, 'cause Eightfold asked me the same thing an' I was real upset when I finally realized I'd never be an excrementalist!
Isabel: Eightfold only takes a few days to recover 'cause she's so small and weak.
Eightfold: HEY!! You say that like it's a bad thing! Small's good! I fit in places! And isn't healing quickly a really great thing? Strong and weak... perfect and imperfect... You can't rank complex beings so simply. If you start underestimating meeeee... I'LL EAT YOUr favorite book.
Eightfold: HEY!! You say that like it's a bad thing! Small's good! I fit in places! And isn't healing quickly a really great thing? Strong and weak... perfect and imperfect... You can't rank complex beings so simply. If you start underestimating meeeee... I'LL EAT YOUr favorite book.
Ed: We're takin' the ghost train outside the barrier t'pick up some Consortium person.
Isabel: Really? Who?
Ed: Iono, he didn't say. Prob'ly another agent gonna learn from your grandpa.
Isabel: Ugh, they're endless. Whoever it is better bring their own toothbrush. They're not using mine. (smacks fist) The six of us who already are won't stand for that.
Isabel: Really? Who?
Ed: Iono, he didn't say. Prob'ly another agent gonna learn from your grandpa.
Isabel: Ugh, they're endless. Whoever it is better bring their own toothbrush. They're not using mine. (smacks fist) The six of us who already are won't stand for that.
You are here... why? To kill me? You are too weak. Burn.
— Forge, Chapter 4, page 43
Johnny: Here's a headline fer that news chick: "Nerd Drug Into Alley, Reveals Secrets, Innards"
Max: NOT A CHANCE!! The past tense of "drag" is "dragged" and the editor will probably catch that, so—
Johnny: I KNOW! I just like to say "drug" because it disappoints authority!!
Max: YOU'RE EVIL!!
Spirit of America: (sorrowful tear)
Max: NOT A CHANCE!! The past tense of "drag" is "dragged" and the editor will probably catch that, so—
Johnny: I KNOW! I just like to say "drug" because it disappoints authority!!
Max: YOU'RE EVIL!!
Spirit of America: (sorrowful tear)
Johnny: OK, now listen up, you little punk—
Mr. Garcia: HEY! I heard all that. You woke me up.
Johnny: MR. GARCIA! Where did you come from!?
Mr. Garcia: From the blighted womb of your worst nightmare, quivering on legs innumerable, soaked in the black ooze of your greatest fears. I rear back my heavy head, and howl: DETEEENTION ...for AAAALLL three of you! I swear, I'm the only one around here that doesn't find threats and violence to be charming.
Mr. Garcia: HEY! I heard all that. You woke me up.
Johnny: MR. GARCIA! Where did you come from!?
Mr. Garcia: From the blighted womb of your worst nightmare, quivering on legs innumerable, soaked in the black ooze of your greatest fears. I rear back my heavy head, and howl: DETEEENTION ...for AAAALLL three of you! I swear, I'm the only one around here that doesn't find threats and violence to be charming.
Mr. Garcia: OK, now listen up, punk— You haven't told anybody what you saw, have you!?
Max: What I saw? You mean... you floating in a brook... on a random Mayview hillside?
Mr. Garcia: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
Max: (deadpan) Oh, did you mean something else, then?
Mr. Garcia: WHAT? NO. THE THING YOU JUST SAID.
Max: The thing you don't know about.
Mr. Garcia: YES.
Max: What I saw? You mean... you floating in a brook... on a random Mayview hillside?
Mr. Garcia: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
Max: (deadpan) Oh, did you mean something else, then?
Mr. Garcia: WHAT? NO. THE THING YOU JUST SAID.
Max: The thing you don't know about.
Mr. Garcia: YES.
Mr. Spender: We didn't get to talk earlier, but if you ever do want to talk - about anything - you can come to me.
Max: Anything? Wow, dude, you must be really lonely.
Max: Anything? Wow, dude, you must be really lonely.
Max: Hey, Dad. I've got a question for you.
Dad: Ask ye, mine sweet loinsfruit.
Max: Can you never, ever call me your loinsfruit again? Ever?
Dad: Ask ye, mine sweet loinsfruit.
Max: Can you never, ever call me your loinsfruit again? Ever?
Max: Did we really have to take our shoes off in your car?
Mr. Spender: No, but you don't have to not punch bears, either.
Isaac: Was that a death threat
Max: How'd a teacher afford a car like this anyways. Do you get paid for ghostbusting? Do we?
Mr. Spender: The precious memories you'll make on the job are their own reward. (Beat) Aaand the only reward. We are not paid.
Mr. Spender: No, but you don't have to not punch bears, either.
Isaac: Was that a death threat
Max: How'd a teacher afford a car like this anyways. Do you get paid for ghostbusting? Do we?
Mr. Spender: The precious memories you'll make on the job are their own reward. (Beat) Aaand the only reward. We are not paid.
Max: (whispering) Hey, Isaac, by the way, I gotta tell you about something serious. [...] That guy Johnny—
Isaac: (whispering) Wait, Max. If this is a secret, tell me later. Mr. Spender can definitely hear everything...!
Mr. Spender: No I can't.
Isaac: Oh, good.
Isaac: (whispering) Wait, Max. If this is a secret, tell me later. Mr. Spender can definitely hear everything...!
Mr. Spender: No I can't.
Isaac: Oh, good.
Mr. Spender: Master, if I may be so bold—
Guerra: You may not. It's about time someone asked permission.
Guerra: You may not. It's about time someone asked permission.
Guerra: Listen to yourself, Spender. Is that any way to talk about a coworker?
Mr. Spender: You've said worse about me.
Guerra: Well I'm retired.
Mr. Spender: You've said worse about me.
Guerra: Well I'm retired.
Mr. Spender: I don't like sounding callous, Master, but it's a natural side effect of working pragmatically for the greater good.
Guerra: ...And of being a callous servant of evil. You'll perish choking on the words "greater good" with some hero's blade in your gut, mark my words.
Guerra: ...And of being a callous servant of evil. You'll perish choking on the words "greater good" with some hero's blade in your gut, mark my words.
Stephen: Shoot, we lost 'em! Which way d'we go?
Johnny: All roads lead to Rome. But we ain't goin' to Rome.
Johnny: All roads lead to Rome. But we ain't goin' to Rome.
Mr. Spender: (admiring the Ghost Train) I must say, I've no idea how you tamed such a formidable spirit.
Dr. Zarei: Ufufu... a girl has her ways.
Mr. Spender: ...You seduced the train?
Dr. Zarei: What? No.
Dr. Zarei: Ufufu... a girl has her ways.
Mr. Spender: ...You seduced the train?
Dr. Zarei: What? No.
Ahh, wisdom. Always getting in the way of good sense.
— Dr. Zarei, same page.
Forge: (W-WE'VE BEEN HAD...!!)
Mr. Spender: ?
Forge: (SPECTRAL, BEHIND YOU!!)
Mr. Spender: Aha! I won't fall for THAT a sixth time!
Forge: ... (facepalm)
Alt Text: In Spender's defense, one of those times was a "Whatever you do, DON'T look behind you" which is really tricky.
Mr. Spender: ?
Forge: (SPECTRAL, BEHIND YOU!!)
Mr. Spender: Aha! I won't fall for THAT a sixth time!
Forge: ... (facepalm)
Alt Text: In Spender's defense, one of those times was a "Whatever you do, DON'T look behind you" which is really tricky.
Isabel: I'm not great with dogs.
Max: Huh? These are dogs? Aren't they cats? Pointy ears, multiple lives...
Pixel Dogs: ...
Blue Pixel Dog: WOOF
Max: Oh.
Green Pixel Dog: MEOW
Isabel: ...They're trying to psyche us out.
Pixel Dogs: *faces peel back* <Skull skull>
Isabel: THEY'RE TRYING TO PSYCH US OUT!!
Max: ARGUABLY NOT DOGS THOUGH
Max: Huh? These are dogs? Aren't they cats? Pointy ears, multiple lives...
Pixel Dogs: ...
Blue Pixel Dog: WOOF
Max: Oh.
Green Pixel Dog: MEOW
Isabel: ...They're trying to psyche us out.
Pixel Dogs: *faces peel back* <Skull skull>
Isabel: THEY'RE TRYING TO PSYCH US OUT!!
Max: ARGUABLY NOT DOGS THOUGH
Forge: (...You yelled out "kids". Who was on the train?)
Mr. Spender: M-my students.
Forge: (I see. I've put them in danger. I did not know there were kids.)
(What's your excuse?)
Mr Spender: ...How dare you.
(*)
Mr. Spender: M-my students.
Forge: (I see. I've put them in danger. I did not know there were kids.)
(What's your excuse?)
Mr Spender: ...How dare you.
(*)
(But you do have one, don't you? An excuse?)
(You're like me. For you, good is a rational act.)
(It's rules, it's calculations, it's your choices plugged into a grand equation, added up, up into evils vanquished. Ideals upheld. Civilizations saved.)
(How the worth of a few lives pales before such greater goods! What is three, two lives, one life weighed against the world?!)
(The world is nothing! Nothing!! Why couldn't we see this, you and I?!)
(We burn the present for the sake of a brighter future and act surprised when all it holds is ash!!)
(No, if our minds decide the sum of small evils is a greater good, then it is our hearts that are rational.)
(Tell me, how did your mind silence your heart? What is your reason for choosing to stay and fight me?)
(What is your excuse?)
(You're like me. For you, good is a rational act.)
(It's rules, it's calculations, it's your choices plugged into a grand equation, added up, up into evils vanquished. Ideals upheld. Civilizations saved.)
(How the worth of a few lives pales before such greater goods! What is three, two lives, one life weighed against the world?!)
(The world is nothing! Nothing!! Why couldn't we see this, you and I?!)
(We burn the present for the sake of a brighter future and act surprised when all it holds is ash!!)
(No, if our minds decide the sum of small evils is a greater good, then it is our hearts that are rational.)
(Tell me, how did your mind silence your heart? What is your reason for choosing to stay and fight me?)
(What is your excuse?)
— Forge, Chapter 4, page 89
Spender: Please. Did your heart tell you to scrape open the length of the Ghost Train? It seems to me a bit more calculation then would've prevented the mistake you're so desperate to make my responsibility. But I suppose you were focused on the immediate good of... what, mangling a spirit? Escaping from me? You're selfish. You don't care about the future, you just want to feel good about your actions in the present. Well, that's not who I am. Mayview is my greater good. It's every person I love and have loved and ten thousand more, and protecting its future is my purpose. Everything else is secondary.
Forge: ("Mayview" is on that train right now, fool.)
Spender: My students can take care of themselves! You don't know anything. Something terrible happened in this town and it's going to happen again. You and those dogs are pieces in the puzzle I need to solve to save it. I like my hands clean, but if reality insists, I won't let shortsighted morality trump practical solutions.
Forge: ("Mayview" is on that train right now, fool.)
Spender: My students can take care of themselves! You don't know anything. Something terrible happened in this town and it's going to happen again. You and those dogs are pieces in the puzzle I need to solve to save it. I like my hands clean, but if reality insists, I won't let shortsighted morality trump practical solutions.
—Spender's rebuttal to the above, Chapter 4, page 90
Eightfold: I don't think it was the wrong decision, helping Max then... but... I could feel that you weren't scared for me, like you were for him… as a friend in danger. I was just a book.
Isabel: H-huh? Don't be stupid, Eightfold. I-
Eightfold: Hee hee. "My book!" you yelled. When I went out the train.
(Isabel is taken aback)
Eightfold: It's okay. You're mad 'cause you know you really do care about me. It's just... "out of sight, out of mind," right? ...Well, that's part of it.
A great heart is... well, it's great! Being good by nature is great. But there's no such thing as a pure heart. Not really. All these books in here, I've eaten. Learned the words inside. Some of them I... wish I hadn't learned. But I can't not be the spirit that has learned all this stuff, y'know? No matter how I feel about it. Which means I gotta be careful trusting my gut, 'cause my gut is a vast phantasmal library full of dark tomes! Hee hee. The heart's the same way. It gets dirty. Things you pick up, things you're taught... they stick to it. An' there's no flutter or feelin' that isn't filtered through all that stuff.
Having the instinct to help people is wonderful, but... if you've… learned to believe that someone's less than people... that can only go so far.
Isabel: H-huh? Don't be stupid, Eightfold. I-
Eightfold: Hee hee. "My book!" you yelled. When I went out the train.
(Isabel is taken aback)
Eightfold: It's okay. You're mad 'cause you know you really do care about me. It's just... "out of sight, out of mind," right? ...Well, that's part of it.
A great heart is... well, it's great! Being good by nature is great. But there's no such thing as a pure heart. Not really. All these books in here, I've eaten. Learned the words inside. Some of them I... wish I hadn't learned. But I can't not be the spirit that has learned all this stuff, y'know? No matter how I feel about it. Which means I gotta be careful trusting my gut, 'cause my gut is a vast phantasmal library full of dark tomes! Hee hee. The heart's the same way. It gets dirty. Things you pick up, things you're taught... they stick to it. An' there's no flutter or feelin' that isn't filtered through all that stuff.
Having the instinct to help people is wonderful, but... if you've… learned to believe that someone's less than people... that can only go so far.
Boss Leader: I am Boss Leader, current reigning boss AND leader of the Paranatural Activity Consortium. We're an organization of several hundred individuals who, like you, can see ghosts and spirits. Together, we help keep the supernatural SUPER!™
Max: You're the guys Mr. Spender works for...! The people at the train... the group in weird suits Isaac didn't know the name of...!
Boss Leader: Oh! You know Rick? You think our suits are weird??
Max: The tuxedo footie pajamas? Uh, yeah.
Boss Leader: Listen. Our agents need formal work attire they can sleep in on the go. They mingle, study, and receive orders in a shared dream hub and execute those orders in a cruel reality unkind to non-suit-wearing bozos what don't wear suits. Our pajamas are a practical and elegant tool of the trade.
(Beat)
PFFFFT Hahahahahahaha they actually WEAR them hahahaha
Max: You're the guys Mr. Spender works for...! The people at the train... the group in weird suits Isaac didn't know the name of...!
Boss Leader: Oh! You know Rick? You think our suits are weird??
Max: The tuxedo footie pajamas? Uh, yeah.
Boss Leader: Listen. Our agents need formal work attire they can sleep in on the go. They mingle, study, and receive orders in a shared dream hub and execute those orders in a cruel reality unkind to non-suit-wearing bozos what don't wear suits. Our pajamas are a practical and elegant tool of the trade.
(Beat)
PFFFFT Hahahahahahaha they actually WEAR them hahahaha
Boss Leader: I wish I could claim to be surprised... that Rick didn't tell me about you. I suspect he withholds information out of mere habit, at this point.
I have great affection for the boy, but he's been up to something worrisome behind that barrier since puberty.
...
Um
No correlation.
Max: I WAS GONNA SAY
I have great affection for the boy, but he's been up to something worrisome behind that barrier since puberty.
...
Um
No correlation.
Max: I WAS GONNA SAY
"A separate, tangentially supernatural organization, the Cousinhood of Man, came to us recently raving about danger in Mayview. They're concerned a specimen of their dwindling prey could hide there, beyond their reach. A "hunch" from one of their "top operatives". Ha. It's paranoia, an inconceivable fantasy. There are barriers in the town's stack for that sort of creature, AND for Cousinhood dogs. I won't let them meddle in our affairs anymore.
A certain agent of mine disagrees, in a sense. She has almost as much unfinished business in Mayview as... well, anyone else. This agent thinks the Cousinhood's fears may at least be a useful angle to interpret one part of a laundry list of unsolved mysteries she inherited from her first mentor. I don't agree, but... I respect her wisdom very much, despite her youth, and I am nothing if not cautious... so I sent her to Mayview under the pretext of investigating the Cousinhood's claims. In reality, her mission has much wider breadth than sleepy town monster hunting. Other agents have failed to return when sent to pursue just one of the numerous objectives she's been given. Truly, we've asked too much of her. But then, I suppose I never asked at all. This was her mission, and I've just finally stopped holding her back. Perhaps... that will make all the difference."
A certain agent of mine disagrees, in a sense. She has almost as much unfinished business in Mayview as... well, anyone else. This agent thinks the Cousinhood's fears may at least be a useful angle to interpret one part of a laundry list of unsolved mysteries she inherited from her first mentor. I don't agree, but... I respect her wisdom very much, despite her youth, and I am nothing if not cautious... so I sent her to Mayview under the pretext of investigating the Cousinhood's claims. In reality, her mission has much wider breadth than sleepy town monster hunting. Other agents have failed to return when sent to pursue just one of the numerous objectives she's been given. Truly, we've asked too much of her. But then, I suppose I never asked at all. This was her mission, and I've just finally stopped holding her back. Perhaps... that will make all the difference."
— Boss Leader, Chapter 4, page 118
CIRcumstANCES necESSITAte yoU CALm youR FOOL heAD, PUpil. I CANnot woRK IN thIS ENVironment. NOT After narroWLY withsTANDING TORture aND YOUR EXCessive utiliZATION of.... my......... WHAT ARE YOU DOING
— Lucifer, Chapter 4, page 130
Spender: You consort with foul beasts and utter their foul language. You attacked the train, burned my flesh, and endangered my students. All your hand-wringing can only spread the red around. You're evil, and I'm putting you down!
Forge: (I am FORGE. Y-you are not worthy of destroying me.)
Spender: Heh. I get that a lot.
Forge: (I am FORGE. Y-you are not worthy of destroying me.)
Spender: Heh. I get that a lot.
Ollie: We're lost, bro. We're tired, my tiny feet hurt, I don't think we're even IN Mayview anymore, Stephen's been dissolvin' social constructs for the last two hours...
Stephen: Why do you cling so desperately to your symbols, brother?
Ollie: Let's just give up, yo. You really still think we gonna find those nerds??
Johnny: We have nothing to lose but lose itself.
Ollie: That doesn't even make— ...sense.
Stephen: Why do you cling so desperately to your symbols, brother?
Ollie: Let's just give up, yo. You really still think we gonna find those nerds??
Johnny: We have nothing to lose but lose itself.
Ollie: That doesn't even make— ...sense.
Spender: Lucifer, did I... do the right thing tonight? ...Good lord, if my parents could hear me now.
Lucifer: You dID NOt.
You asked FRANCISCO GUERRA, likely Mayview's tRUE strongest and a man of rIGID PRINCIPLES, to judge and punish your future actions... You engaged your foe in PUERILE BICKERING, when the only requisite rebuttal was a bURST OF LIGHT in its open maw... YOU DISobeyed my couNCIL and unLEASHED Our shared NIGHtmare on innocENTS YOU'D swoRN TO KEep safe. GUILT. Rage. FeAR. Your emotiONS DISTRAct you... DILUTE THe poteNCY OF youR PURPose... THE LIght mUST be focUSED And UNYIEldinG. TherE IS ONLY SAVinG thE TOWn. Nothing else.
Lucifer: You dID NOt.
You asked FRANCISCO GUERRA, likely Mayview's tRUE strongest and a man of rIGID PRINCIPLES, to judge and punish your future actions... You engaged your foe in PUERILE BICKERING, when the only requisite rebuttal was a bURST OF LIGHT in its open maw... YOU DISobeyed my couNCIL and unLEASHED Our shared NIGHtmare on innocENTS YOU'D swoRN TO KEep safe. GUILT. Rage. FeAR. Your emotiONS DISTRAct you... DILUTE THe poteNCY OF youR PURPose... THE LIght mUST be focUSED And UNYIEldinG. TherE IS ONLY SAVinG thE TOWn. Nothing else.
Chapter 5
"I know your type. I saw it this morning. You're all just BULLIES fighting without a cause. How do you JUSTIFY leaving a helpless kid on the ground and the verge of tears? Oh, right: by never giving any poor sap you hurt a millisecond thought. You're kind or cruel on instinct, protecting your friends and attacking anybody else. Self-centered, without a scrap of AMBITION. Warriors of whim and base anger. Honestly... what a waste of good violence.
Your love for your friends just proves you've yet to access your brains' higher functions. Kindness without a code, cruelty that isn't calculating... Can't you see it serves no purpose? I'll show you runts the true power of violence. Get ready to learn a lifelong lesson in pain! "
Your love for your friends just proves you've yet to access your brains' higher functions. Kindness without a code, cruelty that isn't calculating... Can't you see it serves no purpose? I'll show you runts the true power of violence. Get ready to learn a lifelong lesson in pain! "
— Hijack, Chapter 5, page 66
Max: Hey, don't let Nega-Jeff get too deep under your skin, OK? Everything else aside, caring about your jerk friends isn't a flaw. It's your sole redeeming quality.
[...]
[...]
Johnny: Don't you neither, Max. [...] Let 'im get to you. You've been shakin' in yer shoes since his last throw like you got somethin' t'be afraid of.
But you stood your ground against me, di'n'tcha? And I'm WAY more intimidating than Jeff.
But you stood your ground against me, di'n'tcha? And I'm WAY more intimidating than Jeff.
Max: ...And then you beat the snot out of me. And broke my scooter.
Johnny: Yeah, well, doesn't make standin' your ground against a bully any less of a victory.
— Max and Johnny reassuring each other, Chapter 5, page 69
"I bet if we googled his speech we'd find the RPG he's quotin'."
— Ollie on Hijack's speech, Chapter 5, page 96
Do you want to know what your problem is?
You get scolded, feel guilty... you swear to keep blood off your hands and good in your heart. You fall for a taunt, you're angry... now it's no mercy, good's worth a sacrifice.
You're biTTER, you let a petty grudge keep you from aid and an old ally. You're pRIDEFul, you enshrine SHALLOW REAson, ignore warnings and consequences, unleash our dARKEST SECRet on twO CHILDREN— They'll ask qUESTIONS, Richard!
You're SCARED, you cling to SAFE SOLUTIONS, knock on locked doors you should be KICKING DOWN!
You're LONELY, you start a SCHOOL CLUB
you start a FAKE LIFE
you live a FAKE PEACE in a DOOMED TOWN!
I was TOO LENIENT. Your emotions don't DISTRACT you. They RULE you, pull you EVERY DIRECTION but FORWARD. You're the same trembling, terrified boy I fished out of the lake thirteen years ago, THAT'S your PROBLEM!!
...
...Prove me wrong.
You get scolded, feel guilty... you swear to keep blood off your hands and good in your heart. You fall for a taunt, you're angry... now it's no mercy, good's worth a sacrifice.
You're biTTER, you let a petty grudge keep you from aid and an old ally. You're pRIDEFul, you enshrine SHALLOW REAson, ignore warnings and consequences, unleash our dARKEST SECRet on twO CHILDREN— They'll ask qUESTIONS, Richard!
You're SCARED, you cling to SAFE SOLUTIONS, knock on locked doors you should be KICKING DOWN!
You're LONELY, you start a SCHOOL CLUB
you start a FAKE LIFE
you live a FAKE PEACE in a DOOMED TOWN!
I was TOO LENIENT. Your emotions don't DISTRACT you. They RULE you, pull you EVERY DIRECTION but FORWARD. You're the same trembling, terrified boy I fished out of the lake thirteen years ago, THAT'S your PROBLEM!!
...
...Prove me wrong.
— Lucifer to Spender, Chapter 5, page 90 and 91
and 91Ed: THIS TIME I WON'T LEAVE YOU
Isabel: IT'S TACTICALLY ADVANTAGEOUS!
DANGIT ED!!!
DANGIT ED!!!
Ed: It's an EVIL BRAIN, MAN! Controlling people's bodies! It was in Jeff and then attacked all of us in gym!
Isaac: An evil brain man in Jim?! Who's Jim??
Ed: Our gym! The only gym there is!
Isaac: Dude, there are at least six Jims in this school.
Ed: WHAT? AND THE SCHOOL BOARD ALLOWED IT?!
Isaac: That's a weird prejudice but OK
Isaac: An evil brain man in Jim?! Who's Jim??
Ed: Our gym! The only gym there is!
Isaac: Dude, there are at least six Jims in this school.
Ed: WHAT? AND THE SCHOOL BOARD ALLOWED IT?!
Isaac: That's a weird prejudice but OK
Zarei: Then your mission isn't some spur-of-the-moment inquiry after all.
Day: Oh, we both knew that already! I wasn't going to bother with pretext.
Naturally, the Cousinhood's hunters claiming there may be corrupted humans—monsters—inside Mayview's barrier… it's a piece of the puzzle,
but the real mystery is the town itself.
Agent Spender's secrets.
The disappearance of the Doctors Burger.
Mayview's abnormally high population of ghosts and spirits.
And, of course, the incident involving yet unexplained supernatural phenomena that took place here 13 years ago.
They are all related by and to this location, and I, for one, strongly believe there must be a hidden truth that ties them all together. That… is what I truly came to Mayview to investigate.
But right now, at this moment, this mystery I'm most focused on…
…is you.
Zarei: …Me, a mystery? How do you figure?
Day: Well, for one, you were living in Mayview during the incident 13 years ago. And you were close friends with Agent Spender back then.
Zarei: That's history, not mystery. Ancient history.
We've not kept in touch, and I haven't spent any significant stretch of time in Mayview in years.
Day: Still, there's a connection there, and one I'm curious about. But let's try this, then:
You're a member of the Consortium's paranormal research division,
but you've never shared your work or its results with any of your colleagues.
Which begs the question… What is it, exactly, that you are researching?
Day: Oh, we both knew that already! I wasn't going to bother with pretext.
Naturally, the Cousinhood's hunters claiming there may be corrupted humans—monsters—inside Mayview's barrier… it's a piece of the puzzle,
but the real mystery is the town itself.
Agent Spender's secrets.
The disappearance of the Doctors Burger.
Mayview's abnormally high population of ghosts and spirits.
And, of course, the incident involving yet unexplained supernatural phenomena that took place here 13 years ago.
They are all related by and to this location, and I, for one, strongly believe there must be a hidden truth that ties them all together. That… is what I truly came to Mayview to investigate.
But right now, at this moment, this mystery I'm most focused on…
…is you.
Zarei: …Me, a mystery? How do you figure?
Day: Well, for one, you were living in Mayview during the incident 13 years ago. And you were close friends with Agent Spender back then.
Zarei: That's history, not mystery. Ancient history.
We've not kept in touch, and I haven't spent any significant stretch of time in Mayview in years.
Day: Still, there's a connection there, and one I'm curious about. But let's try this, then:
You're a member of the Consortium's paranormal research division,
but you've never shared your work or its results with any of your colleagues.
Which begs the question… What is it, exactly, that you are researching?
— Chapter 5, page 144 and 145
and 145"Well, well... Thou hast thy proof. The doctor doth VERILY hide a secret!!
Hideth a secret? Hide? Hide-eth...?
REGARDLETH! THINE QUEST PROGRETHETH. Gather ye the secrets hidden in their hearts... and their sum shall be the town's hidden truth...! And it seemeth the doctor's heart doth falter with but the slightest teasing. Nary a Love Arrow required! Still, remain thou vigilant, lest thine OWN affections betray thee. Placed upon a pedestal, thine opponent commandeth the high ground!
Remember that thy heroes both have grown up, mine darling patroness. With age cometh the burden of knowing the world, and in that burden's shadow corruption doth take root. When their hidden hearts are open... thou mayeth not liketh what thou see-eth. But! Thou rejecteth such cynicism, I'm sure! And would say so, would speech not reveal thine eavesdropping. Prithy, forgive me. I shan't bring thee to darkness, thou whom doth bloom so beautifully in the light!"
Hideth a secret? Hide? Hide-eth...?
REGARDLETH! THINE QUEST PROGRETHETH. Gather ye the secrets hidden in their hearts... and their sum shall be the town's hidden truth...! And it seemeth the doctor's heart doth falter with but the slightest teasing. Nary a Love Arrow required! Still, remain thou vigilant, lest thine OWN affections betray thee. Placed upon a pedestal, thine opponent commandeth the high ground!
Remember that thy heroes both have grown up, mine darling patroness. With age cometh the burden of knowing the world, and in that burden's shadow corruption doth take root. When their hidden hearts are open... thou mayeth not liketh what thou see-eth. But! Thou rejecteth such cynicism, I'm sure! And would say so, would speech not reveal thine eavesdropping. Prithy, forgive me. I shan't bring thee to darkness, thou whom doth bloom so beautifully in the light!"
— Venus Guytrap, Chapter 5 page 148 to 150
to 150Lucifer: I TAKE NO PLeasure in teaching this lesson, HijACK, BUT KNOW THIS: IF YOU HAnd your heart your moral compaSS, IT WILL LEad you astray. BIND JUSTice to anger and right and wrONG BECOME A MEASURE OF YOUR FAvor, BLInd to pleasing vice aND PIERCING VIRTUE. FUEL KINdness with guilt and yoU WILL FIND YOU'RE ONLY EVER STITCHING SCArs you've carved.
Hijack: I dunno. Doesn't sound like a bad first step.
Lucifer: It's short-sighted, short-rEACHING. RESPONDINg to stimuli isn't enough. You nEED REASON and distance to surPASS THE CYCLE OF–
Hijack: But aren't those just as risky?
At the time, it all made sense. I thought I had a reason to use violence, y'know? I didn't know I didn't until I got close. Until I felt it.
Lucifer: And whAT GOOD DID THAT DO?? CAn that feeling chaNGE WHAT HAPPEned? Can it move the woRLD ONE INCH?!
Hijack: I dunno. Doesn't sound like a bad first step.
Lucifer: It's short-sighted, short-rEACHING. RESPONDINg to stimuli isn't enough. You nEED REASON and distance to surPASS THE CYCLE OF–
Hijack: But aren't those just as risky?
At the time, it all made sense. I thought I had a reason to use violence, y'know? I didn't know I didn't until I got close. Until I felt it.
Lucifer: And whAT GOOD DID THAT DO?? CAn that feeling chaNGE WHAT HAPPEned? Can it move the woRLD ONE INCH?!
Hijack: Wow you're a real glass is half full of poison kinda guy, huh?
Lucifer: I'M AFRAid I merely "calls 'em as I sEES 'EM."
Hijack: Ah, but perhaps you are seesing them as you call them? Have you heard of "projectence"–
Lucifer: ENOUGH.
RICHARD SPENder cannot SAVE THIS TOWN! THis I now know to be A FACT. ANd the pROOF?
He lost tO YOU.
Lucifer: I'M AFRAid I merely "calls 'em as I sEES 'EM."
Hijack: Ah, but perhaps you are seesing them as you call them? Have you heard of "projectence"–
Lucifer: ENOUGH.
RICHARD SPENder cannot SAVE THIS TOWN! THis I now know to be A FACT. ANd the pROOF?
He lost tO YOU.
"The world is impure. Therefore it is ethical, to destroy the Earth."
— Hijack playing the villain, Chapter 5 page 255
Chapter 6
Chapter 8
WHO AM I?
THAT QUESTION WAS EVERYTHING,
AND EVERYTHING WAS ME.
BUT NOW...
NOW I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU.
WHO AM I?
PLEASE LET ME CHOOSE THE ANSWER. PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOURS. PLEASE PICK ONE THAT I'LL LIKE.
IF I CAN BE WHAT I WANT... I'LL BE ANYTHING YOU WANT!
SO PLEASE, PLEASE, ALL OF YOU, ANY OF YOU...
WHY WON'T ANY OF YOU LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME
THAT QUESTION WAS EVERYTHING,
AND EVERYTHING WAS ME.
BUT NOW...
NOW I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU.
WHO AM I?
PLEASE LET ME CHOOSE THE ANSWER. PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOURS. PLEASE PICK ONE THAT I'LL LIKE.
IF I CAN BE WHAT I WANT... I'LL BE ANYTHING YOU WANT!
SO PLEASE, PLEASE, ALL OF YOU, ANY OF YOU...
WHY WON'T ANY OF YOU LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME
— A Wight, Chapter 8, Title Page
