Quotes / Never Trust a Trailer

"When the picture opened, it was a big, big flop...I went to David Picker and said, "You can't do this. No wonder the fucking picture is failing. It's giving the wrong impression. You make it look like a thriller and it's not, it's a satire.""

"They don't even call it advertising: It's a TEASER or a TRAILER, a little bit of linguistic jiu-jitsu that tricks you into thinking that you what you are watching is somehow more substantive than a standard 30-second spot for boner pills or tampons...In fact, the trailers are usually significantly better than the movies, because all a movie can do, at this point, is crush your expectations."
Drew Magary, "They Have Teasers For Trailers Now"

"You know all that monster-punching in the trailer? Literally all of it takes place in the first ten fucking seconds of the movie. Some dude is going on and on, braggin' about the tales of Hercules, and he's like 'he fought this lion real good one time' [lion clip], and 'then he fought this hydra' [hydra clip], and 'also this boar thingy' [boar clip], and you're like...but...wait...if he already punched all the monsters, then what is Hercules going to do for the whole rest of this movie, which presumably isn't just 84 seconds long?"
Lindy West, "Brett Ratner's Hercules Is Bullshit and I Will Never Forgive Him"

Jay: After the play bombs on opening night, a space meteor gives Riggin the real powers of the fictional Birdman character, and he fights to save the world from the an evil entity known as Moogootu, winning back the love of his estranged wife and daughter! A giant laser beams gets shot into New York City, as well! Mike, what did you think of Birdman?
Mike: Trailer's a bit misleading.

"Maybe I’m wrong, but I can clearly remember being excited when I saw the trailer for a new Star Wars movie some 17 years ago, and we all know how that turned out."

"The trailer would have you believe Crowe’s character was having a private war with DiCaprio’s character. It makes it look like Crowe is setting up plots to kill DiCaprio and that Crowe’s character is bent and corrupt. That is not what this movie is about. What is really weird is that the dialog in the trailer is cut from all over the movie and not just between Crowe’s and DiCaprio’s character. So now you have our title characters making threatening statements against other characters, but are now making it look like in the trailer that they are threatening each other."

"Voyager may be the last defence against an all out invasion of Earth!" — nothing of the sort is on the cards but you know this line was included so they could slip it into the promos and try and get more people watching! We’re so far from Earth at this point the statement is laughable and Janeway should be sectioned for her hysterics."
Joe Ford on Star Trek: Voyager, "In the Flesh"

"I’ve pondered if I’d really need to write a single joke. Just reporting the facts is laughable enough...See that poster above? That was official TNA promotional material. You’ll note it features Kurt Angle.

He never appeared on the show.

See? No need to write a joke. Just reporting the facts."

"I wasn't always like this. Oh, no. When I first started reviewing video games I was as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as they come. CGI trailers made my little acorn winkie rigid. A preview of a hot new video game was still enough to moisten my panties...And after so many fucking years of all this utter bullshit, of being given vague ideas of how a thing is supposed to look, or an outright dishonest representation of it, I just can't get excited for it anymore. Not in the way I'm supposed to."

"Why not check out this game we made, called The Evil Within. Look, you're in a creepy hospital and have to sneak around a chainsaw murderer!"

"Looks like my cup of tea," I said, but then I reached the end of the starting section, which coincidentally marked the end of the E3 gameplay video I'd seen, and the game went "BORED NOW! Let's have a car chase."


"And here's a pistol and a shotgun and a crossbow that shoots lightning somehow! And now you're in the woods massacring zombie farmers and avoiding traps that only the twitchiest caffeine-riddled paranoid would be able to anticipate!"

"Wait a second, I recognize that voice! (tears off mask) Resident Evil 4!"

"According to the now-infamous trailer, Snake is the one who fights Fortune, not Raiden, and Snake is the one who walks through the bloody corridor next to the transformer room; he fights a harrier jet too, but this time it’s on the Verrazano Bridge! He even meets Cyborg Ninja. It was all lies, of course."
Terry Wolf, "The Selfish Meme"

"Though we were shown trailers that made it look like the game would have tiny little flies that were as detailed as the whole environment, in the final game, everything smaller than a fucking wall looks like it was ripped from YouTube...Duke Nukem 3D had more interactivity in 1996."
George Weidman on Rage

Narrator: For ages, mankind has pondered the unanswered questions of Spongebob Squarepants. What was Bikini Bottom like before Spongebob? Why is there a pineapple under the sea? Now, these questions and more will be answered in Truth or Square! Coming soon in a brand new Spongebob movie! Witness the wedding you never thought you'd see! And learn the biggest secret in Bikini Bottom!
Mr. Krabbs: It's time I told you the Krabby Patty formula.
Narrator: Don't miss all this and more in the brand new movie: Spongebob's Truth or Square!
— Intro to The Mysterious Mr. Enter's review on Truth or Square

"Riddle me this: Why would you create a show for one demographic, but advertise it for another one? And then scratch your head quizzically when the show mysteriously fails?"