How mortals take the gods to task!
All their afflictions come from us, we hear
And what of their own failings? Greed and Folly
double the suffering in the lot of man.
, in The Odyssey
, pointing out how the story of the Trojan War and its aftereffects often amounts to this.
It's like every character put their retard hats on that morning by mistake.
It's clear here that everyone in the future, including Skynet, is dumb.
Funny, how some movies will seduce you into their stories while others remain at arm's length. Titanic
was just as artificial and effects-driven as Hard Rain
, and yet I was spellbound. Maybe it was because the people on the doomed ship had no choice: The Titanic
was sinking, and that was that.
In Hard Rain
, there is a bad guy (Morgan Freeman
) who has
a choice. He wants to steal some money, but all during the film I kept wondering why he didn't just give up and head for dry ground. How much of this ordeal was he foolish enough to put up with? Water, cold, rain, electrocutions, murders, shotguns, jet-ski attacks, drownings, betrayals, collisions, leaky boats, stupid and incompetent partners, and your fingertips shrivel up
. Is it worth it?
Not a single characterís master plan in this movie makes sense. Donít even get me started on Penguinís grand babynapping plan, which required A) every single adult in Gotham to be at the same party (which they were), B) not a single babysitter being hired
, and C) not a single cop being out on patrol
, allowing them to drive their roadworthy carnival train on the open streets.
: It should have been called Six Dumbasses In Search of a Clue
— Slate headline
Idiocy looks to be a common theme in this film.
The plot is bad just because any amount of common sense cop work would solve this case. There is one scene where Dave is framed for murder. Dave is shot at in the dark and Dave fires blindly in that same direction. When he goes over to investigate, he finds the body of an informant he was going to meet thereby framing him for murder. Of course that becomes a plot cul de sac when the cops get it through their thick skulls that the bullets from Daveís gun donít match the one in the victimís head and, oh yeah, the victim was dead about 32 hours prior to Daveís incident! We are not talking CSI
future crime lab work, we are talking about common f*cking sense! Thatís 20 minutes wasted
and that is just one example of the type of writing throughout the entire movie.
Long ago, in order to create Energon for the first Transformers, they would destroy stars... Our galaxy alone contains a hundred billion stars
, so we can spare a few; so the Primes said, 'Fine, we'll do that, but first we'll make a rule: No destroying inhabited worlds.' And this's why The Fallen lost his shit at the beginning of the film. He was all set to harvest our sun, but then the humans show up, and now suddenly he can't? Well, what's he supposed to do, just chalk it up to dumb luck? No!
He will defy the Primes and harvest this
sun anyway! That's right: the 'Revenge' that The Fallen is seeking is because he is a lazy-ass robot who could not be bothered to walk next door and consume its sun instead.
their ship? A little shuttle?? Admirals always travel around in style on big Federation ships (At the very least an Excelsior
class)! But this situation requires even more
attention, because we're dealing with a truly priceless advancement in technology. And we're also working with a really sketchy alien race that look like monsters. And
they've got five huge, powerful warships. What's to stop them from just killing all the Federation people, takin' the goods and leaving? A couple of ships on our
side would strengthen our hand a little in preventing that. But a starship or two there would mess up the plot
... Does anybody even think about the details of a movie before they make it?
The transporters conveniently failed after sending Picard, so I'm going to leap across space to get to Shinzon's ship. Geordi:
What about the transporters in the shuttles? Data:
Shut up. Geordi:
What about the Captain's Yacht? Data:
Shut up. Geordi:
Why didn't we just send a bomb instead of Picard? Data:
Shut up. Geordi:
What about the transporters in the cargo bays? They're independent units, remember? Data:
What part of "shut the fuck up" do you not understand? This is my big heroic exit
, asshole. Don't fuck it up.
Of course, the low casualty rate on Enterprise
might be more plausible if the plots didnít hinge on the crew behaving like over-eager amateurs.
Had Archer been more cautious or professional during these missions, the lack of a bodycount would make sense. Unfortunately, many of the early episodes of Enterprise
rely on the crew behaving like fools in order to generate plot Ė Archer makes a decision that puts the crew in an risky position. "Fight or Flight" is an example, with Archerís heroic conduct nearly getting the ship killed. Here, he strands a team on a strange planet.
The way that Archer the crew manage to consistently escape without any trouble (or any cost) becomes frustration, as does their refusal to learn from any of the experiences
. In Strange New World, TíPol repeatedly cautions the crew about the need to properly survey the planet
before sending down a team. Her cautious approach is vindicated when it turns out that local planet life creates spores that drive the crew into a paranoid frenzy. Had Archer listened to her and done the proper investigation, the risk could have been avoided. However, Strange New World doesnít give us a scene where Archer and Trip apologise to TíPol for disregarding her advice out of hand.
and Peter Scolari's woman costumes were about as believable as two men in wigs making no effort to disguise their voices. They lived in a world where everyone was so easy to trick, there was no need for the elaborate scheme
. They might as well have put a jar of mayonnaise on roller skates and shoved it into the manager's office shouting, "That's not male mayonnaise! Rent her an apartment! Actually, RARGH! I'm God! Rent an apartment to Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari!
We last left our alleged heroes
at Hawkmanís funeral, where they were all knocked out by technology
... This brings up an interesting point, and by 'interesting,' I mean 'one of many plot holes that makes me wonder if the scripts for this show are actually printed on Swiss cheese.' If the government already has something that can knock out a Kryptonian
ó not to mention the Flash and Aquaman and whoever else the extras were dressed as at Hawkmanís funeral ó then why do they need to develop more
methods for rendering them helpless? They already have them!
What weíre getting here is that this episode is already stupid before it even starts. Thatís how dumb it is.
Two weeks ago, Clark punched Lex. One week ago, Lex tortured his friend nearly to death and killed all the fish in the lake.
Now, they're hunky-dory again, with one line. 'Lex, I know things haven't been easy between us lately, but please, help!'
Lex doesn't say
, 'Uh, you beat the crap out of me a little while back, you're researching a book that's being written to tear my company down, and now you're accusing me of creating a vampire sorority.
' He simply says
, 'Oh, hey Clark. Here's the ready-made antidote I haven't been using for a long time for no apparent reason
. Just stab it into her chest and she'll be fine. By the way, it only works around Kryptonite
. Convenient, huh?' Clark, clutching at the table.
'Excuse me...must have...drank...Lex-lax...er...ex-lax.'
Lex: 'You're a Kryptonian, aren't you?'
Clark: 'Oh, no! Seriously...just some bad...picadillo, hombre. I gotta, er
...YOINK!' He then takes the syringe and runs. Now that, at very least, would have been entertaining.
"Reading a story written by idiots is bad enough, but reading a story written by idiots thatís also about idiots is even worse."
"Goodnight, the stupid is spewing out of these characters like its Mt. Vesuvius!"
"Oh, that's right. Because we wouldn't have a movie if people weren't stupid."
"When it comes to plotting, this is Moffatís go-to. UNIT knows how dangerous the Master is. Why would they not knock Missy out with the same kind of drug they used on the Doctor? Why, when the plane starts going down, does everybody not get in the TARDIS? Why do the guards do nothing as Missy first very visibly activates her bracelet, then puts on lipstick? Why does Osgood, whoís already told the Doctor they have dossiers on the Master and who has clearly read them, a) get so close to Missy and b) not scarper when Missy threatens her? Why? Also, WHY?"