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Quotes: Giftedly Bad

Fiction

Aram: To say that Jeriah's writings are actually poetry is much the same as saying that tripping down a flight of stairs and breaking your collar bone is ballet.
Gamal: What about the 20 minute speech comparing love to plate tectonics? Was that a poem too?
Aram: I don't even know what the hell that was.

On works

"Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect."
Mark Twain, in the introduction to English As She Is Spoke

“I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies...They went from those, to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, then Jane Austen did it, put a new human twist on it. Hemingway did it with A Farewell to Arms. A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write…There are no authors in my genre. No one is doing what I do.”
—Literary giant Nicholas Sparks

"Every once in a while we turn up another P.D.Q. Bach manuscript in a monastery or attic. And every time we do, we have a great feeling of anticipation, a feeling of exultation, you might say. A feeling that this new piece we've found can't possibly be as bad as the last piece. But so far, every new piece we find of his lives up to the same low standards set by the previous one."
Peter Schickele on P.D.Q. Bach, An Evening with P.D.Q. Bach

"I first read this sentence nearly three years ago. Since then, I have read it once a week in an increasingly desperate search for meaning. But I still don't understand it."
—Nick Page, In Search of the World's Worst Writers, on the opening line of Amanda McKittrick Ros's Delina Delaney

"As a case study, to look at his films, to step back with distance and chart the downfall, is to reveal a sedimentary-layer view of a man losing total control of his ego, and his own ability to objectively judge his own work. There’s a huge clue in the book The Man who Heard Voices, which is devoted to the production of Lady in the Water. The book covers, in great detail, how blown away Night is by a Disney executive who unthinkably failed to ‘get’ his script, and the soul-searching, sweaty-sheeted introspection about just what was wrong with other people, that they couldn’t see how incredible his story was."
Stuart Millard, "The Self-Destruction of M. Night Shyamalan"

"Insurrection is a symphony of stupid. It's like Beethoven's Symphony No. 5, but for below-average Hollywood hack-job filmmakers and producers."

"To forge ahead with a prequel series for a fandom that is known for obsessing over continuity gaffes? This is truly a brave thing to attempt... What we got had nothing to do with continuity gaffes, and everything to do with, well, EVERYTHING gaffes."
SFDebris on Star Trek: Enterprise, "These Are the Voyages..."

"This whole episode is like a hobo trashcan fire from space."
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Harvest")

"Florence Foster Jenkins was a TERRIBLE singer. If the world of opera were the city of Springfield, Ms. Jenkins would be Ralph Wiggum with his head stuck in a bucket. She was the only woman in the performing arts whose voice could strip paint. She made Yoko Ono stubbing her toe sound like Regina Spektor having an orgasm...For 32 years, the Rebecca Black of opera refused to believe she didn't have what it takes, and gave it to music regardless. She was so bad that being injured in a car crash actually improved her voice. But if that wasn't embarrassing enough, she made her own (crappy) costumes, was mocked by her pianist while she performed, and tossed flowers to the crowd during her acts and then took them back for the next show."

"...Lindsay Lohan talked to The Mirror about her first performance of Speed-The-Plow that some say was a disaster because she didn’t know her lines and the audience laughed at her ass. LiLo says that the negative shit hos say about her bounces off of her freckled zombie skin and she doesn’t care what the haters think. The haters can eat it, because LiLo ran into Al Pacino at a hotel recently and he told her he was proud of her for doing theater. Yeah, she probably didn’t run into THEE Al Pacino, she ran into some random dude who happens to be named Al Pacino. And he didn’t tell her he was proud of her for doing for theater, he asked her what her hourly rate is...If LiLo didn’t show up and had to be replaced with a dirty mop with red rubber lips glued to its handle, some people in the audience might’ve considered that a major upgrade."
DListed, "Lindsay Lohan On Her Messy First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow: “It Could’ve Been A Disaster. I Could’ve Not Shown Up.'"

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