Quotes: Giftedly Bad

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Bad films are easy to make, but a film as unpleasant as Baby Geniuses achieves a kind of grandeur.


Aram: To say that Jeriah's writings are actually poetry is much the same as saying that tripping down a flight of stairs and breaking your collar bone is ballet.
Gamal: What about the 20 minute speech comparing love to plate tectonics? Was that a poem too?
Aram: I don't even know what the hell that was.

    Web Original 

Florence Foster Jenkins was a TERRIBLE singer. If the world of opera were the city of Springfield, Ms. Jenkins would be Ralph Wiggum with his head stuck in a bucket. She was the only woman in the performing arts whose voice could strip paint. She made Yoko Ono stubbing her toe sound like Regina Spektor having an orgasm...For 32 years, the Rebecca Black of opera refused to believe she didn't have what it takes, and gave it to music regardless. She was so bad that being injured in a car crash actually improved her voice. But if that wasn't embarrassing enough, she made her own (crappy) costumes, was mocked by her pianist while she performed, and tossed flowers to the crowd during her acts and then took them back for the next show.

Lindsay Lohan talked to The Mirror about her first performance of Speed-The-Plow that some say was a disaster because she didn’t know her lines and the audience laughed at her ass. LiLo says that the negative shit hos say about her bounces off of her freckled zombie skin and she doesn’t care what the haters think. The haters can eat it, because LiLo ran into Al Pacino at a hotel recently and he told her he was proud of her for doing theater. Yeah, she probably didn’t run into THEE Al Pacino, she ran into some random dude who happens to be named Al Pacino. And he didn’t tell her he was proud of her for doing for theater, he asked her what her hourly rate is.
Michael K., "Lindsay Lohan On Her Messy First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow: “It Could’ve Been A Disaster. I Could’ve Not Shown Up.'"

As a case study, to look at his films, to step back with distance and chart the downfall, is to reveal a sedimentary-layer view of a man losing total control of his ego, and his own ability to objectively judge his own work. There’s a huge clue in the book The Man who Heard Voices, which is devoted to the production of Lady in the Water. The book covers, in great detail, how blown away Night is by a Disney executive who unthinkably failed to ‘get’ his script, and the soul-searching, sweaty-sheeted introspection about just what was wrong with other people, that they couldn’t see how incredible his story was.
Stuart Millard, "The Self-Destruction of M. Night Shyamalan"

It’s highly unlikely that a first-time director who compares Star Trek Into Darkness favorably to Raiders of the Lost Ark is capable of learning from his mistakes and making a better movie.

If you are having a bad day you simply have to watch the second episode of The Time Monster with the commentary switched on. John Levene's solo effort is a joy to behold because he seems to think that this is some kind of forgotten gem and his personal contributions are the work of a skilled actor at the height of his powers.

This whole episode is like a hobo trashcan fire from space.
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Harvest")

    Web Video 

Jay: This is borderline experimental!
Mike: This makes no sense at all!

Insurrection is a symphony of stupid. It's like Beethoven's Symphony No. 5, but for below-average Hollywood hack-job filmmakers and producers.

Mike: It is one of the worst fuck-ups in the history of humanity... it deserves not only to not be destroyed but—in a Best of the Worst first—duplicated.
Jay: You read my mind, Mike Stoklasa. Because I was going to say that we should not destroy it simply because George Lucas wants to destroy it. That's why it should continue on forever.

To forge ahead with a prequel series for a fandom that is known for obsessing over continuity gaffes? This is truly a brave thing to attempt... What we got had nothing to do with continuity gaffes, and everything to do with, well, EVERYTHING gaffes.
SFDebris on Star Trek: Enterprise, "These Are the Voyages..."

I would almost like to flowchart this or document it. This is such a convoluted, stupid history, you almost wanna transcribe this shit, make a history book. This has to be written down. Because nobody's gonna remember this. And we should remember this. Because this is the worst goddamn storytelling, the worst goddamn booking...This show makes mistakes A 4-YEAR OLD WOULDN'T MAKE.

A 4-year-old could pick out the flaws in your reasoning. A 4-year-old could see the clip where Ric Flair says, "We're gonna bring back the Four Horsemen!" ...They're gonna be like, "But why is the old blond guy still wrestling? Isn't he, like, 90?" And you'll be like, "(groan) I don't know." And the 4-year-old will continue, "But he said there were four of them, and there's six!" A 4-year-old would at least pick FOUR wrestlers, they wouldn't say, "I'm gonna choose six!" It's...SIMPLE...laws...of TIME-SPACE...and WRITING...!
Noah Antwiler on TNA iMPACT 8.26.10

    Real Life 

Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.
Mark Twain, in the introduction to English As She Is Spoke

I first read this sentence nearly three years ago. Since then, I have read it once a week in an increasingly desperate search for meaning. But I still don't understand it.
—Nick Page, In Search of the World's Worst Writers, on the opening line of Amanda McKittrick Ros's Delina Delaney

I write in a genre that was not defined by me. The examples were not set out by me. They were set out 2,000 years ago by Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. They were called the Greek tragedies...They went from those, to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, then Jane Austen did it, put a new human twist on it. Hemingway did it with A Farewell to Arms. A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write…There are no authors in my genre. No one is doing what I do.
—Literary giant Nicholas Sparks

Every once in a while we turn up another P.D.Q. Bach manuscript in a monastery or attic. And every time we do, we have a great feeling of anticipation, a feeling of exultation, you might say. A feeling that this new piece we've found can't possibly be as bad as the last piece. But so far, every new piece we find of his lives up to the same low standards set by the previous one.
Peter Schickele on P.D.Q. Bach, An Evening with P.D.Q. Bach

Me and Robin [Thicke] the whole time said,You know we’re about to make history right now. What’s amazing is I think now, we’re three days later and people are still talking about it.
Miley Cyrus on her performance at the 2013 Video Music Awards

It simply makes good business sense that where someone of my talent and ability was not going to be used to their capability or capacity, that a parting of the ways was inevitable.
Vince Russo on the end of an error

They hired a booker who put himself and his friends over at the expense of all the other talent; they booked screw-job after screw-job, run-in after run-in, show after show, until it drew the infamous "wrong kind of heat," the kind that drives fans away; they put all the old, stale talent on top and pushed them hard despite the fact that the ratings made it clear that fans wanted new blood; and all that exciting, young international talent that Bischoff had scoured the globe for in 1996 had been booked so far into oblivion that they were pretty much unsalvageable... things were so bad by mid-year that virtually everyone—from talent to the office personnel—had mentally given up.

Bischoff, however, was anything but ready to surrender. He opened the year with another crew meeting, in which he dropped a major bombshell: WCW had struck a deal with NBC, a deal that would give them six prime-time specials over the course of the year...Bischoff came up with a master plan to restore WCW to its former glory. He would revolutionize wrestling just like he'd done in 1996 by—yep, you guessed it—doing everything he'd done in 1996 all over again.

The scene was the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, home of the now-legendary Hogan versus Goldberg bout. The date was January 4, 1999. And, as Bischoff had hoped, WCW truly revolutionized the wrestling business on this date.
R. D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez, The Death of WCW