If you have a line from Calvin and Hobbes you enjoy, feel free to add it to this section! The quotes have begun being divided into sections, as a basic "Philosophy of Calvin & Hobbes." Also, if you know the date of the comic in which any quotes on this page appeared, please note it in the same format as those that are already complete.
: I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate use of dangerous drugs! Hobbes
: Your mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this
lying around. Calvin
: [Tossing the vinyl record itself in the trash] Well, I sure didn't buy it for the music
—Calvin and Hobbes, 18 February 1986
: Whatcha doin'? Calvin
: I'm writing my autobiography. Hobbes
: But you're just six years old. Calvin
: I'm only got one sheet of paper.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 5 January 1987
"I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge."
: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Hobbes
: Maybe thatís why it's hard to tell if we're living in a tragedy or a farce. Calvin
: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
—Calvin and Hobbes
"The arts are always the first to go in public schools."
—Calvin, 15 September 1991
: ...This library book was due two days ago! What will they do
? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession??? Mom
: They'll fine you ten cents. Now go return it. Calvin
: The way some of those librarians look at you, I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
—Calvin and his mom, 26 December 1986
: So, your teacher didn't know you'd ripped your pants, and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard? Calvin
: That sums it up. Hobbes
: How awful! What did you do?? Calvin
: I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class. Hobbes
: That's why you're home early? Calvin
: Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 11 April 1987
"This is where dad buried the little raccoon. I didn't even know he existed a few days ago, and now he's gone forever. It's like I met him for no reason. I had to say goodbye as soon as I said hello. Still... In a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him. (sniffs) What a stupid world."
"Here is successful Mr. Jones. He lives in a 5-acre home in a wealthy suburb. Here is his new Mercedes in the driveway. ...It's anyone's guess as to how much longer Mr. Jones can meet his monthly finance charges."
—Calvin, 15 February 1987
"As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. Youíve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations."
Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I'm not going to learn this material unless you make it enthralling. Environmentalism
Miss Wormwood: I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesn't entertain you every minute?
Calvin: What? ...You think I'll live someplace that doesn't get cable?
: I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. Hobbes
: I think if you're born, it's too late.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 21 March 1987
(regarding Martians being afraid of Earthlings) "Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't housebroken?"
: It says here that by the age of six, most children have seen a million murders on television. Calvin
: I find that very disturbing! ...It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 30 December 1985
"I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification."
"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words."
"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
: I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good, that's what I say! Might Makes Right
! The winners write the history books!
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, so I'll do whatever I have to and let others argue about whether it's 'right' or not. Hobbes trips him into the mud. Calvin
: WAUGH! (Beat) What'd you do that
: You were in my way. Now you're not. The end justify the means. Calvin
: I didn't mean for everyone, you dolt! Just me
: Somewhere in communist Russia
I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America
, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy... And tell him the awful TRUTH
about this place!! Dad
: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
—Calvin and his dad, 7 April 1986
[Phone rings] CalvinLeisure
: Hello? (Caller)
: May I speak with your father, please? Calvin
: Heck, you don't need my
permission! Be my guest! Calvin
: [Hangs up, rolling eyes]
What a weirdo.
—Calvin, 25 July 1987
"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
—Calvin, 28 August 1988
"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."
: Any monsters under my bed tonight?! (Monsters):
"Nope!" "No!" "Uh-uh." Calvin
: Well, there'd better not be! I'd hate to have to torch
one with my flame thrower! Hobbes
: You have a flame thrower?? Calvin
: [Going to sleep]
They lie. I lie.
—Calvin and the monsters, 25 November 1985
: How come we play war and not peace? Calvin
: Too few role models.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 23 March 1986
: Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems? (Dad sits speechless for 2 panels, unable to come up with a good answer) Calvin
: [Walking away]
I think grown-ups just act
like they know what they're doing.
—Calvin and his dad, 18 February 1991
"I love saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about. ...Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils."
—Calvin, 10 May 1986
Calvin: Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see. Progress
Hobbes: Why don't they see things of beauty and value?
Calvin: Because boring stuff doesn't sell.
"I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know."
—Calvin, 19 July 1987
"The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present."
—Hobbes, 30 December 1990
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
"Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves."
—Calvin, 30 January 1986
"Never criticize a guy with a razor."
—Calvin, 14 March 1986
"...It's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy."
—Calvin, 17 April 1986
: What's it like to fall in love? Hobbes
: Well, say the object of your affection walks by... Calvin
: Yeah? Hobbes
: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin
: Medically speaking. Calvin
: Heck, that happened to me
once, but I figured it was cooties!!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 16 February 1986
"What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?"
—Hobbes, 30 September 1986
: Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil? Hobbes
: Watch out for those trees. Calvin
: I mean, do you believe people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies? Hobbes
: There's a rock up ahead! Look out! Calvin
: Or, as a third possibility, do you think people are just crazy, and who knows why they do anything? Hobbes
: Not so close to the ledge! Calvin
: Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad, or crazy? Hobbes
: Aughhh! I can't look! *WUMP!* Calvin
: [Buried up to face in snow]
You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence. Hobbes
: [Buried, face first, down to waist in snow.] I choose crazy
—Calvin and Hobbes, 11 January 1987
: Dad, how do people make babies? Dad
: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin
: I came from Sears?? Dad
: No, you
were a blue light special at Kmart
. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper. Calvin
: AAUUGHHH! Mom
: *Across the house* Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
—Calvin and his dad, 18 April 1987
"I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! [...] Well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone else was dead."
—Calvin, 21 March 1989
: Isnít it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? Hobbes
: I suppose if we couldnít laugh at things that donít make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. *beat* Calvin
: I canít tell if that's funny or really scary.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 19 April 1992
: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes
: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin
: [Wearing his clothes upside-down]
Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 7 September 1993
"It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety."
—Calvin and the world around him, in a nutshell.
Calvin: I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
: I figured you lost your mind years ago.
—Calvin and his mom
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day."
"Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"
"I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction."
: Trick or treat! Adult
: Where's your costume? What are you supposed to be? Calvin
: I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak. Calvin
: [Walking away, bag overflowing with candy]
Am I scary, or what?
: (inner monologue)
Come on, you are gonna dodge all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop just before you reach the cliff. You won't fall on the lake. Besides, the ice must be really thick. Go on. Calvin
: ''(outer monologue to the reader
): My brain is trying to kill me.
—Calvin deciding if he will ride his sledge down the hill or not.
"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."
: Do you think there's a God? [beat] Calvin
: Well, some
body's out to get me.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 6 May 1986
: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? Hobbes
: I'm not sure that man needs the help.
—Calvin and Hobbes
: Bad news, mom. I promised my soul to the Devil this afternoon. Mom
: Oh? That recently?
—Calvin and his mom
CalvinScience and Technology
: I wonder why man was put on Earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here? Hobbes
: Tiger food. (Hobbes grins, which freaks out Calvin
—Calvin and Hobbes
"What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science."
—Hobbes, 26 March 1987
Calvin: I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang." [...] Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang?" That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. Socializing
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?
Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
Hobbes: Hmm... That is better.
Calvin: Almost anything would be. [...] And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to "Monstrous Killer Death Lizard."
"I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialogue!"
: Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up?? Calvin
: I'm coming. [Hobbes, as Calvin's mom sees him, placed out in the hallway wearing Calvin's jacket and a hat. Moments later...] Hobbes: [Taking off the clothes]
See? I told
you it wouldn't work! Calvin:
Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 23 January 1986
: Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Susie
: Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Calvin
: Why else would I call you? Susie
: Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. Calvin
: What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment! Susie
: First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. Calvin
: THIS IS BLACKMAIL!
—Calvin and Susie, 9 December 1986