Literature / A Semester In The Life Of A Garbage Bag
“On registration day at taxidermy school
I distinctly saw the eyes of the stuffed moose
A 1988 YA comedy novel by Gordon Korman
. Luckless, frustrated sixteen-year-old eccentric Raymond Jardine is determined to score a summer trip to Theamelpos, a Greek island legendary for bestowing good luck on visitors. He ropes Sean Delancey, his English partner, into various schemes to land them both on the island. Hilarity Ensues
when they're partnered up with Ashley (a teen model they both fall for), wind up having to plan the Halloween event of the season and - most especially - when the deliberately obscure poet they've chosen for their English project turns out to have died after publishing only one poem.
This work provides examples of:
- The All-American Boy: Sean's grandfather refers to him as this, rather negatively.
- Annoying Younger Sibling: Nikki Delancey, very much so—complete with classic Blackmail.
- Appropriated Appellation: Raymond spends the entire book referring to Steve Semenski as "Cementhead", to Sean's disgust. When Steve finds out, though, he's so thrilled with the nickname that he gets it on a jacket.
- Ask a Stupid Question...: Gramp takes this Up to Eleven when Mr. Delancey asks how he spent his day:
Gramp: Well, let me see. The President needed some advice on foreign policy, so I was on the phone most of the morning. And Racquel Welch dropped over for lunch. Then we had some Indian trouble in the backyard. So I had to go on the warpath. After that, I climbed Mount Everest, swam the English Channel, and came back by pogo stick through the Adirondacks just in time to whip up a cure for the common cold right here in your kitchen. (pause) On second thought, that must have been somebody else. I sat around all day and listened to the grass grow.
- Book Dumb: Raymond's grades are pretty abysmal, although this is seen more as a function of his notoriously rotten luck than as a direct result of his intelligence or effort.
- Indeed, the effort we see that Raymond puts into special projects suggests that he's Brilliant, but Lazy and that if he put as much effort into honest study as he did into finding a quick, easy way to impress teachers by pretending to challenge himself, he could be a great student.
- Born Lucky: Steve Semenski, according to Raymond, was "born with a horseshoe up his diaper".
- Born Unlucky: Raymond.
- Brilliant, but Lazy: Raymond's approach to class projects is to deliberately pick an obscure topic that the teachers are unlikely to be knowledgeable about and for which there are few study resources, with the hope they'll reward him for challenging himself. Sean notes that if Raymond would be a good student if he put half as much effort into studying as he did in trying to game the system.
- The funny thing is Raymond's method does work to a point. Their English teacher is impressed by their decision to study an obscure poet. The only problem is Raymond's Critical Research Failure to confirm that Gavin Gunhold had written enough material to be the subject of a 30-page research paper.
- And it it weren't for Raymond being The Jinx, it might have worked for his Government project on the structure of a foreign nation's government. Raymond chose an absolute monarchy called Pefkakia, whose entire government structure was "The king wants it? We do it." The problem was that a) Pefkakia was catapulted out of obscurity the day before the paper was due thanks to a violent revolution against the royal family and b) Raymond's paper was built around the thesis that the king was beloved by all and the system worked perfectly.
- Butt Monkey: Raymond.
- To a lesser extent, Gavin Gunhold, whom we find out was a life-long gas-station attendant who was killed by a runaway street trolley, which jumped the rails and smashed through the wall of a bank while he was waiting in line to cash the check he got for his first (and only) professionally published poem.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Raymond, to a rather frightening extent. He spends a lot of his time engaging in weird tribal chanting rituals and shouting at the spirits in the sky that he's convinced are out to get him.
- Cloudcuckoolander's Minder: According to Mindy, Sean is "the only one who can control" Raymond.
- Clueless Chick Magnet: Although Raymond is unaware of it, his misfortune doesn't seem to extend to the romance department, as he's got quite the female fanbase among the Freshmen ladies. When Sean tells Raymond that Sean's younger sister Nikki likes him, Raymond is stunned and can only reply that he "Jardine has no luck with women".
- Cool Old Guy: Sean's grandfather, Patrick Delancey.
- Cosmic Plaything: Raymond not only believes himself to be this, but frequently can be found shouting at the mysterious forces that are ruining his life.
- Cupid Hates Odd Couples
- Deadpan Snarker: Raymond. Patrick Delancey ("Gramp") as well.
- Drowning Our Romantic Sorrows: ...in tomato juice.
- The Eeyore: Raymond.
- Fictional Country: Pefkakia - one of the world's last absolute monarchies and the subject of Raymond's failed Government project.
- Friendship Denial: Sean is very insistent that Raymond not refer to him as a friend, even as they spend increasing amounts of time together outside of their English project (and as Raymond makes it increasingly clear that he regards Sean, not only as a friend, but as his best friend).
- Go-to Alias: The name "Gavin Gunhold" appears in several Gordon Korman novels in this capacity; here, it's the name of an actual (deceased) person, whom Sean's grandfather ends up impersonating.
- Grumpy Old Man: Sean's grandfather is living with Sean and his parents very much against his will and is bored out of his mind. He leavens up a lot after he becomes something of a viral sensation as "Gavin Gunhold"
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Well, English-project partners who end up spending a lot more time together than intended.
- High School
- I Just Want to Be Normal: Raymond's motivation for seeking the island of Theamelpos.
- Insane Equals Violent: Although Raymond never actually carries out his threats against others, even Sean is concerned that he might. Mindy O'Toole is terrified of him.
- Intergenerational Friendship: Raymond and Sean's grandfather bond almost immediately over their mutual obsession with bad weather forecasts, making it a little difficult for Sean to kick Raymond out of the house.
- The Jinx: Raymond Jardine.
- Last Name Basis: Raymond always calls Sean "Delancey" and insists on being addressed as Jardine. He also likes to write his name on things (his jacket, his scooter, the door of the garage where he lives) and it's always just "JARDINE," never his first name. His mother even leaves him an answering machine starting with, "Hello, this is Jardine's mother."
- Lazy Bum: Danny Eckerman.
- Loony Friends Improve Your Personality
- Lovable Jock: Sean.
- Love Dodecahedron: Sean and Raymond both like Ashley Bach, who is more interested in Sean's former best friend Steve Semenski. Meanwhile, Sean still has some feelings for his ex-girlfriend Mindy O'Toole (who is dating Danny Eckerman), and Nikki and her two friends like Raymond.
- Mistaken for Profound: Gavin Gunhold's poems (all but one of which were authored by Raymond and Sean, selecting words at random from a dictionary to get ideas).
- Morality Chain: Mindy theorizes that Sean is this to Raymond.
- My Sister Is Off-Limits!: How Sean reacts to Nikki's crush on Raymond (He doesn't need to worry—Raymond isn't interested, although Raymond does go on one date with her after she blackmails them and says he had fun).
- Nothing Exciting Ever Happens Here: The reason Sean's grandfather would rather be living in the city.
- Odd Couple
- Only Friend: Sean to Raymond, seemingly.
- Only Sane Man: Poor Sean...
- Revenge Before Reason: In this case, Sean wants revenge against the SACGEN unit in part because it started a power outage that resulted in Raymond breaking his ankle, even though his plan to defeat SACGEN is inevitably going to be the death of Raymond's hopes to go to Theamelpos, which is the only thing Raymond really cares about.
- Running Gag: Sean's father keeps buying household techno-gadgets that end up malfunctioning spectacularly, such as a turbo-charged vacuum that sucks up 1500 dollars worth of carpet, an ultrasonic dishwasher that disintegrates dishes instead of cleaning them, and an automatic sprinkler system that floods the whole street. And he says, "Don't blame me," every time something like this happens.
- Screw Politeness Im A Senior
- Sickeningly Sweethearts: "The Sapersteins", Mark and Marlene, who have been engaged since kindergarten and plan on running a family dentistry together (they both dress up as teeth for Halloween every year). Raymond describes them in his file by saying, "Just look for two people joined at the lips."
- Smite Me, O Mighty Smiter: Raymond continually speaks to whatever cosmic forces are messing with him, either to taunt them after he seemingly dodges a bullet or congratulating them on a well-played lightning strike.
- Suicide as Comedy: Part of the general Gallows Humor vibe associated with Raymond and his circumstances (naturally there is no actual suicide).
- Third-Person Person: Raymond, who always refers to himself as "Jardine".
- Toilet Paper Prank: Howard Newman drapes the SACGEN unit with twelve rolls of pink-flowered toilet paper and sticks it on with library paste to make it harder to remove. The principal and the SACGEN engineers frantically try to remove it all before a Popular Science crew shows up to write a story about SACGEN, but one sheet of toilet paper is still visible in the magazine's photo.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Patrick Delancey really likes prune juice.
For him it was the elixir of life, and a glass a day gave him the right to eat all the foods his doctor, "that medical robot," said were bad for him.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: After spending half the book wanting to kill him and insisting, "We're not friends!", Sean flips out when Raymond breaks his ankle during a power outage, insists on staying with him in the ambulance (to the point where one of the medics assumes they're brothers), and becomes determined to utterly destroy the SACGEN unit for doing this to his best friend.
- Weirdness Magnet: Raymond. His bad luck goes beyond sheer randomness to some truly unusual extremes.
- Your Approval Fills Me with Shame: Sean, whenever Raymond complements him.
- Zany Scheme: Raymond's plan to score brownie points with his English teacher by deliberately choosing an obscure poet to base their project upon... and everything that follows after they find out their poet died after only have one poem published.