Funny / Torchwood

Although it lacks much of the humour of its parent show, Torchwood has had its moments.

For Miracle Day funny moments, see that page.
For The Lost Files funny moments, see that page.

Season One

• "Everything Changes":
  Jack: Okay, first of all, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood?"
  Owen: That'd be me. I'm a twat.
• "Ghost Machine"
  • Owen chasing Bernie through the streets is rife with little background moments of humor:
  (Owen and Bernie bump into an old woman who dropped her groceries.)
  Woman: You mind out!
  Bernie: Sorry!
  (Owen trips on said groceries.)
  Owen: Sorry!
  (They then run through some kids playing football in an alleyway.)
  Kid: (to Owen) GO ON! KICK HIS HEAD IN!
  (The chase then leads to Bernie running into a woman's garden. When Owen arrives, the woman just nods him in the direction Bernie went.)
  (Bernie, as soon as he gets over the fence, lands in a small pool in a backyard where a girl is playing.)
  Little Girl: DAD, THERE'S A MAN IN THE GARDEN!
  (Owen soon rushes by.)
  Little Girl: THERE'S TWO MEN IN THE GARDEN!
  (Bernie climbs over another fence and into a dead end, with Owen cornering him immediately after.)
  Owen: Bernie Harris...
  Bernie: Who?
  Owen: That wasn't a question. (advances towards Bernie)
  Bernie: (cowering) Don't hurt me! Please, I have asthma!
  Owen: I'm not gonna hurt you... I'm gonna bloody kill you.
  • The Torchwood Crew go down to Splott to find any info on Sean "Bernie" Harris:
  Tosh: Hi, I'm looking for Bernie, is he in?
  Mrs. Harris: Friends of his, are ya?
  Tosh: Well, I'm from-
  Mrs. Harris: Well, I'm his mother. And he's a robbing little bastard who's not setting a foot in this house 'till he pays me the 50 quid he owes me! (slams door in Tosh's face)
  (Cut to a bar, where we meet the bar's owner.)
  Barman: He's barred.
  (Cut to an arcade, where we meet a young boy.)
  Boy: He said he'd give me an Ipod, and he never. And he smoked my fags.
  (Cut to a girl working in a store.)
  Girl: I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire!
• "Small Worlds"
  • One of the fairies, in trying to get into the garden, smashes through a fence. A fence that, mind you, has done nothing to offend said fairy at all.
• "Greeks Bearing Gifts":
  Tosh walks in; Owen's recent autopsy has gone a bit wrong and Gwen is NOT holding back.
  Gwen: "It turns out that Owen has made a few mistakes. That body is what gender again, Owen?"
  Owen: "A...male....a man... a very girly man!"
  Gwen: "That's not all of it, remember, you said gunshot wound, right? Well, what was the true cause of death?"
  Owen: "Unidentified trauma."
  Gwen: "Yes, but what can definitely be ruled out?"
  Owen: "Gunshot wound..."
  Gwen: "Gunshot wound!!!! So, Owen, did you actually get any part of your diagnosis correct?"
  Owen: "....I got that... It...eh...was a skeleton?"
  Gwen: "Yes you did! Yes you did!"
  • She's singing the "X bone is connected to the X bone" song when Tosh first walks in.
• "End of Days":
  • Just how much of a show off is the TARDIS? As we learn in "Utopia", she doesn't even land in the lab and still makes a goddamn mess of the place on her arrival... There's several tonnes of concrete between her and the lab, and she still trashed it.

Season Two

• "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang":
  Gwen: (to an elderly woman on the street) Excuse me, have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car? (woman points) Thank you.
  Elderly lady: (In the most Welsh accent imaginable) Bloody Torchwood.
  • The moment where Gwen yells out "BLOWFISH!"
  • Later on, Jack and John's reunion. First they dramatically walk towards each other in semi slow motion, suck face like they're in a movie, beat the ever living shit out of each other, hold each other up in a Mexican Standoff, then smile at each other and ask how the other has been.....as if this is completely normal.
  • It's Jack - it is perfectly normal for him..
• Captain John: I think I'm starting to see what he likes about this place...she's beautiful...he's stunning...
  Gwen: Don't you ever stop?
  Captain John: Five minutes to live and you want me to behave? Oh, that's gorgeous...
  Gwen: That's a poodle.
  Captain John: It's nice! (extremely lascivious look)
• "Sleeper":
  • Owen is trying to beg Tosh to set up a phone. Tosh tells him multiple times, that The entire. Telephone. Network. Is down! Then Ianto comes in:
  Ianto: Mobiles, land lines, tin cans with bits of string, everything. Absolutely everything. No phones, phones all broken. (makes a little phone with his hands) Hello? Anyone there? No! Because the phones aren't working!
  • Followed immediately by Jack contacting Torchwood via a CB radio.
  Tosh: Nuclear warheads. Ten of them.
  Ianto: It's all over.
  Owen: (Beat) Let's all have sex.
  Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.
• "Meat":
  Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
  Jack: Yeah.
  Gwen: What was it like?
  Jack: Well, he seemed to enjoy it.
  • Tosh suggests using the alien meat to feed the world, prompting Ianto to quip that they could release a single.
• "Dead Man Walking":
  • Owen Harper's puking scene and Jack's hilarious reaction.
  Jack: Only in suffering do we realize beauty.
  Owen: Yeah, yeah. Who said that?
  Jack: Proust.
  Owen: You've read Proust?
  Jack: Yeah. Well, no. We dated for a while. He was really immature.
  Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.
• "Something Borrowed":
  • Jack mistaking Rhys's harridan of a mother for a shape-shifting alien and holding her at gunpoint.
  Jack: Get back, you ugly bitch!
  • And then when she protests she's not an alien:
  Jack: Yeah, and The Lone Ranger didn't have a thing for Tonto!
  • The proof that she's not an alien? The shape-shifter can't copy scent and Gwen would have recognized that god-awful perfume anywhere.
• "Adrift":
  • All of the scene following Gwen walking in on Jack and Ianto's naked makeout session on a desk, particularly the naked hide-and-seek conversation. And, in the category of unintentional puns:
  Ianto: There's a package on your desk.

  • If you watch the background while Ianto delivers that line, you can see that Jack is already undressed again.
• "Exit Wounds":
  Grim Reaper Looking Guy: Devils! Blasphemers! Pray to your heathen god, while in the Lord's name we cast you out!
  Ianto and Tosh open fire with hand-guns and the "reapers" all go down handily.
  Ianto: There we are then.
  Tosh: Sorted.

Season Five: Aliens Among Us

• Changes Everything
  • Tyler assumes Mr Colchester is a bigot, and that's why he hates him. Colchester is happy to inform him of the contrary: No, Colchester is gay and married to a man, he just really doesn't like Tyler.

• Aliens & Sex & Chips & Gravy
  • The title itself is pretty funny in its own right.
  • The way Madgrigal says "Booooozeee!"

• Orr
  • Ng wondering if Orr can look like Idris Elba.
  • A lot of Orr's first interactions with the cast to be honest. Orr embarassing Colchester in front of everyone is a highlight.

• Superiority Complex
  • Jack Harkness, posing as a barman, makes a drink called A Jack Harkness.
  Jack: Everything's better with a Harkness inside you.

Season Six: God Among Us

• The Man Who Destroyed Torchwood
  • Although it can sometimes be the very opposite, a few of Brent's frequent bizarro hallucinations are genuinely hilarious. Highlights Include:
    • John Barrowman playing Imagination!Jack as the most overly Americanized cliché possible. All of his lines are angry Southern yelling.
    • Imagination!Orr is Corr, a woman who's only personality trait is being objectified. It hilariously plays on what many initially thought Orr's character would be.
    • Imagination!Yvonne is a DEMURE SECRETARY. Tracy Ann Oberman kills it.
  • Not only that, some of Brent's political ideas and antics are just generally amusing until they get dark. He calls a Weevil a "Werevill" and believes all of the Sorvix to be method actors!!

• Flight 405
  • EVERYTHING NORTON FOLGATE SAYS. This applies to all Norton episodes, but Norton, Andy and Yvonne are the best triple act concievable.

• Another Man's Shoes
  • The Entirety of the Episode is for once, a comedy, and is absolutely hysterical.
  • Norton in Tyler's body.
  Tyler!Norton: I'm not Tyler. I'm a Sexy Giraffe!
  • Tyler in Norton's body, complaining about being short and desperately trying to stop Norton from going on a sex spree.
  • Norton and Tyler making out in a clothing store closet.
  • Jay. Lovely Jay.
    • Norton even tries proposing to him, a man he has just met. Jay's reaction is predictably hysterical.
  • Jack in Colchester's body trying to be as menacing as possible to procure a table that he had reserved, except it was under Colin's name not his. Bonus points for Jack going on about how Colchester's voice is a weapon and if he goes on in a "low inhuman rumble," maybe eventually he'll get a seat.
  • Jack insulting Colchester's body.
  Ng: Did you just call Mr. Colchester flabby?
  • Yvonne attempting over and over to pass a simple interview while in Andy's body. She does not comprehend that she isn't always the boss of every scenario, which leads to some funny results.
  • The entire episode is just the cast doing impressions of each other, and honestly, all of them are quite good at it, which adds to the humor.

• Thoughts and Prayers
  • Orr says that they can sense "the love" Mr. Colchester and Colin had in the back of their car, in front of Ng.
  • God's attempt to take back her powers from Orr involves making out with them furiously.
  • Tyler disguises himself as a pizza delivery man to rescue Yvonne from house arrest.

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