Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?
— Jack Harkness, "Everything Changes"
Owen: If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.
And that's just the humans.
Why is it that only Gwen seems to have a heart? I don't know if you've noticed but the rest of us are human and amazingly we still manage to get on with our jobs.
— Owen Harper, "Random Shoes"
Gwen: Excuse me... Have you seen a blowfish driving a sportscar?
Old lady: (points in direction of blowfish alien)
"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang"
Jack: So, how was rehab?
John: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and...?
Jack: (cracking up) You went to murder rehab?
John: I know, ridiculous. The odd kill! Who does it hurt?
Jack: You clean now?
We don't sniff the sub etheric resonator!
— Ianto Jones, "Sleeper"
Tosh: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time we used it?
Jack: That was different. That species has extremely high blood pressure.
Oh right. Their heads must explode all the time.
Owen How'd you know that?
I know everything! And it says so on the bottom of the screen.
Jack: All you did tonight was mess things up. Now we have to think of a way to get back in and thanks to you they'll have tightened security.
Rhys: Well, if you'd stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showing off about the place—
Jack: Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: - you'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up I found you a way to get in. (getting right in Jack's face) But if you can't handle that, Big Boy, then you can stuff it.
...(glances at Gwen) This is quite homoerotic.
I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers.
— Ianto Jones, "Dead Man Walking"
Banana Boat: So do you fancy a little drink later?
Tosh: I'm sorry. I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines.
Banana Boat: Huh?
Bananas make me vomit.
That's what I love about Torchwood. By day you're chasing the scum of the universe. Come midnight you're the wedding fairy.
— Ianto Jones, "Something Borrowed"
Gwen: On your knees!
John: [sigh] Honestly, it's just sex, sex, sex, with you people.
Gwen: [mockingly] Oh my God, Severn Bridge. I'm going into England. Farewell forever.
Rhys: [mock-concerned] Good luck. Have you got currency?
Yes, and I've had my injections.
"Children of Earth"
Ianto: Don’t forget me.
Jack: Never could.
Ianto: A thousand years’ time…you won’t remember me.
: Yes, I will. I promise, I will.
"Children of Earth"
Gwen: That was your last chance.
Lyn: Yeah? And what're you gonna do about it? If you're the best England's got to offer, then God help you.
I'm Welsh. [punches her]
"Miracle Day: Rendition"
Lupa: You like Torchwood right?
Snob: Never heard of it. Is it pretentious?
Lupa: No, but it has lots of gay sex and a pterodactyl!
Land lines, mobiles, tin cans with bits of string, all down. Everything down, absolutely everything. No more phones, phones all gone.
(makes a little phone with his hand) Hello? Anybody there? No, because the phones aren't working!
— Ianto Jones, "They Keep Killing Suzie"