Funny / Stardust

The book

  • Yvaine's first line in the book, "Ow. Fuck. Ow."

The film

  • The scene where the Bishop proposes a toast to Primus, Septimus and Tertius, unaware that someone has poisoned the wine:
    Bishop: [toasting the princes] To the new King of Stormhold. Whichever of you fine young men it might be.
    The Princes: To the new King of Stormhold. [They acknowledge him and drink. Seconds later, the bishop's face contorts, and he collapses, dead. They look uncomprehendingly at their cups, and then eye each other suspiciously.]
    Tertius: Hmmm. [He breaks the atmosphere with a laugh. He suddenly starts wheezing and collapses, dead.]
    Septimus: [to Primus] You! [Septimus clutches his throat and chokes on the poison, and collapses, seemingly dead. Primus' eyes light up in realization that he is now the future king of Stormhold. He picks up the crown reverently. Just as he is about to put it on his head, Septimus suddenly bursts out laughing and stands up sporting a wild grin.]
    Septimus: You really thought you were king!
    Primus: [crestfallen] You killed the bishop.
    Septimus: No, Primus, I think you'll find that you killed the bishop by drinking out of the wrong cup. [beat] Oh look, once you've finished wrestling with your conscience, may I suggest you return to your chamber. Leave the quest for the stone to me.
  • Tristan is turned into a mouse by Ditchwater Sal. Then there's Yvaine's reaction: she first tries to punch and kick Sal, only to be foiled by a spell Lamia had put on Sal a few days earlier to keep Sal from seeing or touching the star. Upon realising she's virtually invisible to Sal, during the ride, Yvaine says, "Would I be correct in thinking that you can neither see nor hear me? Then I'd like to tell you that you smell of pee! You look like the wrong end of a dog! And I swear, if I don't get my Tristan back as he was, I'll be your personal poltergeist!"
  • Yvaine's Deadpan Snarker tendencies.
    Tristan: You will be a present for my Victoria!
    Yvaine: But of course! Nothing says 'romance' like the gift of a kidnapped, injured woman! I'm not going anywhere with you!
  • Tristan's fantastic Crash-Into Hello on Yvaine, and he first thinks she's his mother.
  • Bernard, transformed into a woman, is seen sneaking looks at Yvaine in the bath. This is topped later, when he tries to serve poisoned wine to Tristan. Tristan asks for "her" name in the stables and "she" replies, in a very deep masculine voice, "Bernard".
    • From the same scene, the goat-turned-man, who continues to act like a goat, leaping over furniture rather than taking a longer route around it and eating strange inedible materials, much to Lamia's exasperation while she's trying to lure Yvaine into her trap.
  • Tristan's near perpetual 'What the fuck' expression, being a Fish out of Water (to begin with). Once he gets used to it, he seems all cool and confident, rolling with the weirdness. Then, he runs into his mother and finds out he's the new King of Stormhold. His baffled expression during the coronation is absolutely priceless.
  • The not so bloodthirsty pirates. They're a pretty funny bunch.
    Crew: [cheerful] ARGH!
  • The exasperated look on the first mate's face whenever Captain Shakespeare (or at one point, Tristan) forgets to act tough and pirate-y.
    • All the reaction shots in the film are absolutely perfect.
  • The background expression of the crewmember winding the gramophone in the middle of Tristan and Yvaine's Dance of Romance.
  • The whole pirate fight with Septimus, when he barges in on Captain Shakespeare dancing in drag to "The Cancan Song" (complete with a flat "What the hell is this?" reaction), and said music continues through the upstairs fight as the background soundtrack, with swords clashing in time to the music.
    • Though the actually fighting between Shakespeare's pirate crew and Septimus' men is also a moment of awesome for the crew.
    • And followed by a moment that mixes funny and heartwarming.
      Pirate: It's alright, captain. We've always known you were a whoopsie!
  • Septimus's response to his father's not unreasonable suspicion that he offed his missing sister Una, whom we know is Ditchwater Sal's slave and Tristan's mother: "Why would I kill my sister when these two cretins are still alive?"
    • Just the way his father asks—the tone implying he is a mischievous boy suspected of some amusing prank.
  • At the wedding/coronation at the end, Captain Shakespeare gives a glance and knowing wink to Humphrey, who returns a faint smile and a possible return wink, meaning he's either bisexual, he's a crossdresser, he's gay and Victoria's The Beard, or he's just rolling with the weirdness, much to Victoria's dismay. After this, we also see a priceless reaction shot of Victoria rolling her eyes at Tristan and Yvaine's kiss, as if to say "Whatever!"
  • Every time the ghosts of the dead princes appear onscreen. For instance, after Secundus dies, his ghost encounters the ghosts of Sextus, Quartus and Quintus. Their bickering is over-the-top hilarious. Or Tertius's ghost seeing that Tristan is in love with Yvaine and telling the others, "Come and see this!" and the other ghosts calling him a pervert.
  • The trading scene where Captain Shakespeare is fencing lightning bolts through Ferdy. Shakespeare wants to sell for a very firm price, but Ferdy refuses to budge:
    Captain Shakespeare: So! Name your best price.
    Ferdy: For 10,000 bolts?
    Captain Shakespeare: 10,000 bolts of finest quality Grade A.
    Ferdy: Yeah, but it's difficult to ship, isn't it? Difficult to store. If I get the revenue man in here sniffing around. Uhmmm... Best price: 150 Guineas.
    Captain Shakespeare: [to his crew] Gentlemen, put the merchandise back on board and prepare to sail.
    Ferdy: Whoa, whoa! Hold on. Hold on. One minute, Cuddles. 160? 160.
    Captain Shakespeare: Seeing as I'm feeling particularly generous today, I'll settle for 200.
    Ferdy: 200? Okay, you're having a laugh. [laughs] Have you had your head in that? Has he been staying up where the air's too thin? [emits a "cuckoo" whistle and lifts his hat off his head to emphasize it]
    Captain Shakespeare: [darkly] You're being very rude.
    Ferdy: Not any more.
    Captain Shakespeare: 200.
    Ferdy: 180.
    Captain Shakespeare: 200.
    Ferdy: That's not negotiation! I'm changing my number, 185!
    Captain Shakespeare: Did I hear 200?
    Ferdy: From you, you did. Yeah.
    Captain Shakespeare: You said 200?
    Ferdy: If I did, you're a ventriloquist. Okay, 195. Final offer.
    Captain Shakespeare: 195 it is. [they shake hands] So, with sales tax, that's... let's see... 200.
    Ferdy: [resignedly] Brilliant. Put it in the back.
    • On a similar note, after Lamia makes Ferdy only capable of squawking like a chicken, Septimus tries to interrogate him. As Septimus gets more and more enraged by what he perceives as mocking, he stabs Ferdy with the line "What a freak." He then hands the knife to one of his men and tells him to "Clean this... thoroughly." Mark Strong's delivery just sells it.
  • When Septimus finds Primus's dead body, we see that while Lamia has used her magic to get rid of the inn after her attempt on Yvaine's life failed, she did not bother to destroy the bathtub.
  • When Lamia animates Septimus's corpse to fight Tristan, the other six dead princes turn to look at Septimus's ghost. The look on his face is somewhere between "WTF?" and "Um, don't look at me."
  • When Tristan first turns back from mouse to human, he groggily says "Victoria" to Yvaine. Prompting her to give him a magnificent Death Glare.
    "I think I preferred 'mother'."