- Sure, it's a pain in the ass that you won't get any Eluders anymore, but the moment you realize that the Spathi have vanished without a trace because they've slave-shielded themselves will probably make you laugh anyway.
- The Safe Ones do not believe that the Captain can guarantee their safety if they join him against the Ur-Quan:
Captain: We are strong enough! Look at our Precursor vessel! Is it not unique?
Safe One: Yes, your vessel is unique, and here is the crux of the problem. A 'unique', meaning 'singular', starship is not equal to the task of destroying the entire Ur-Quan armada. If you had, say, ten thousand similar ships, we could take your boasts more seriously.
Captain: Look, what do I have to do to prove this to you? Destroy your entire starfleet?
Safe One: Well... that would probably work, but I have a better idea...
- The Captain can ask Fwiffo to help with negotiations with the Safe Ones. This doesn't work:
Captain: Fwiffo is with us! He will vouch for us.
Safe One: If you held a weapon to Fwiffo's head, he would say anything you wanted him to say. In fact, if you held a vegetable to his head, he would probably say anything you wanted him to say.
- If you go to the enslaved Umgah homeword without the Taalo Shield, you'll be psychically compelled to fly into Ur-Quan space (The Ur-Quan will let you go if you tell them about what happened). What's so funny about this? You can go straight back to the Umgah Homeword, again without the Taalo Shield and then get sent to Ur-Quan space again. The Ur-Quan are not amused by this.
"It is as though your species' brain is too small to hold a simple thought such as, WE WILL KILL YOU FOR DISOBEYING! This is not a complex idea."
- The Supox can be quite funny when you talk about their being Plant Aliens:
Captain: C'mon, plants can't be intelligent! Our top scientists and science fiction writers have proved it!
Supox: Yes. This has been confirmed by our people as well. Strange, is it not? Many of our people regard this inconsistency as proof of our divine origin.
- The Zoq-Fot-Pik and "Frungy".
Zoq: AUGH! Will you just SHUT UP ABOUT FRUNGY?! If you say another word about that STUPID GAME I'm going to lose control and blow a cloud of spores at you!
(less than a minute later)
Pik: FRUNGY! FRUNGY! FRUNGY!
- Also, talking about their leaders: "They are wiser, more powerful beings." "They look just like us though."
- The Captain wondering if the one in the back ever talks: "Nope." "Not a word."
- If you declare your intention to attack their scouts:
Pik: [to the Zoq] So what does all your nicey-nice to the alien get us? Nothing! That's what! You should have done what I said and told him we were the Precursors!
- Most of the conversations with the Slylandro:
Captain: So what are those glowy bits inside you?
Content to Hover
: OH MY! From your question I infer that you creatures perceive in a different spectral range and can see our... well our, er... well, WE can't see them. Ehhh... Ahem... What I mean to say is... they are... well we use them for when the male and the female
... ahem. Look, I'd prefer you didn't ask about them, okay? (especially not if front of Sullen Plummet... she's shy.)
- What happens if you continue asking questions about this is even funnier.
- Saying goodbye:
Captain: Goodbye, Slylandro gasbags!
Content to Hover: Goodbye, human fluid-sack!
- Converse with the Ilwrath enough about how totally evil they are and you get to Logic Bomb them:
Captain: Do you really consider yourselves Evil?
Ha! Evil! Of Course We're Evil! Dogar And Kazon Would Never Reward A Less-Than-Hideously Evil Species With Their Baleful Grace. Why We Are The Very Definition Of Evil! Everything About Us, Within And Without, Reeks Of Heinous Deeds, Deceit And Treachery! Even Our House Pets Are Rather Evil
Captain: But 'evil' is that which is morally bad or wrong. And if your actions are judged by your society as correct, aren't you, in fact, good?
Ilwrath: Hmmm... We ARE All Evil. We All Behave In A Mutually Agreed-Upon Fashion Of Murder, Torture, Deceit And So Forth. Our Uniform Acceptance Of This Heinous Credo Creates An Orderly And Cooperative Society. Which Hardly Seems Evil. Evil Is Doing Things That Make Others Hurt Or Fear. We ALL Do That, Of Course. But Since We ALL Do Such Things, As Sanctioned By Our Culture, It Would Be `Bad' To Do Otherwise. Which Means... Er... Puny Hu-Man, Do Not Play With Words! You Anger Both Dogar And Kazon! Now You Must Die!
- The game also allows you to impersonate their gods, and while there is a serious use for this ability, it also allows you to mess around with them, like making them rename their species the "Dill-rats" or replace the word "you" with "yuubuu". The resulting quotes are a laugh riot. It's too bad they don't stack.
- Even the insane, rambling Mycon can get a good quip in before battle: "Juffo-Wup is eternal and immaterial. It cannot be destroyed by mere energy blasts. You however, are not immaterial. You can be destroyed by energy blasts. We will now demonstrate."
- The Pkunk are a race of space-hippies who are unafraid of death because they believe in reincarnation. Much to the irritation of all rational-minded beings, the Pkunk appear to be correct in this belief, and there is a 50/50 chance that any given destroyed Pkunk ship will respawn in battle, with an obligatory Hallelujah Chorus. If the Random Number God is feeling particularly mischievous, it's possible for a One Sided Battle between a Pkunk ship and a much stronger opponent to become ridiculously drawn out due to the Pkunk ship being repeatedly destroyed and respawned in a single match. With that chorus playing every time.
- "I'M BEING MOLESTIFIED!". Said by surrendering K'tang king.
- The Dnyarri are The Dreaded, and rightfully so, but they do have their moments. The one you meet is very gruff and sarcastic and talks like a con man, leading to some hilarious moments.
"Oh gosh, gee! I don't know. Let's just sit here and talk a while AND IGNORE THOSE THOUSAND DREADNOUGHTS THAT ARE GOING TO CREAM US IN A FEW SECONDS!"
"Are you lonely, Captain? Are you misunderstood by everyone else on the ship? Is that why you KEEP CALLING ME WHEN I AM RESTING!?"
- Apparently the Taalo shield is not 100% effective at blocking the Dnyarri's abilities:
Dnyarri: You want to know about my psychic powers? Didn't you mean you wanted to ask about FLOWERS!?"
Captain: Yes - I - want - to - talk - about - flowers.
Dnyarri: Yes, flowers are nice, and smell very good. Now, Leave me alone!
Captain: Yes - I - will - go - now.
Dnyarri: Alright, I'm sure you're busy with plenty of things. Goodbye!
- When you confront him with the Taalo shield and defeat the death squad of Umgah he sends after you, he weaves a hilariously fake story about how the fight somehow knocked the evil out of him and conveniently removed his psychic powers, which he claims he didn't even want, so there's no need to pursue him or even keep the mental shield up. The Captain doesn't even bother to say anything, but just glares at him.
- On occasion, when you go to speak with him, he'll also share with you some interesting tidbits about the thoughts of your crew, including which female crewmembers have a crush on you.
- He also makes numerous demands for his comfort, like changing out the Mozart and Iggy Pop on loop in the hold, thermal blankets and pillows, fresh meat and vegetables, and crew members to play with.
- Combined with Crowning Moment of Heartwarming and Tear Jerker: The Yehat gush over the young Shofixti you send them like a proud parent over a baby.
Yehat: Look at that furred muzzle, those shining black eyes, the sweet claws! Our children have returned from oblivion!
- Discussing your battle plan with the Chmmr.
Captain: We'll fire this weapon at the Sa-Matra, right? It's not going to hurt my ship, is it?
Chmmr: YOUR VESSEL WILL BE TOTALLY ANNIHILATED.
Captain: Whoa. Gee, that's bad. I don't suppose there's anything we can do to change that, is there?
- The Zoq-Fot-Pik's frantic call for help is not all that funny ("Worse than Zebranky" aside). Hayes reading "HELP! HELP!" completely deadpan, however...