Funny / Llamas with Hats

  • From the first episode: "Caaaarl! That kills people!"
    Carl: My stomach was makin' the rumblies that only hands could satisfy.
    Paul: What is wrong with you, Carl?
    Carl: Well, I kill people and I eat hands—that's two things.

    Carl: Well, I was hungry and you know, when you crave hands.
  • From the second episode:
    Paul: You were headbutting children off the side of the ship!
    Carl: That must have been horrifying to watch.
    Paul: And then you started making out with the ice sculpture.
    Carl: Well thank God that the children weren't on board to see it!
    • Later:
      Carl: Fine. It's the lovely elderly couple from 2B.
      Paul: Caaaarl!
      Carl: They were... they were taking all the crescent rolls.
      Paul: I can't believe what I'm hearing.
      Carl: I will not apologize for art.
    • And:
      Carl: Shh - do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness.
      Paul: That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!
      Carl: That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence.
  • From the third episode:
    Carl: That was a foot - I appear to have swallowed an entire person.
    Paul: That would be the hotel bartender.
    Carl: Well, that explains why my mojito is taking so long.
    Paul: It was horrifying! Your mouth unhinged like a snake!
    Carl: Wow that sounds pretty awesome!

    Carl:: In that case, I should probably mention I've been filling our luggage with orphan meat.
    Paul:: Wh-what?!
    Carl:: Well, I'm building a meat dragon and not just any meat will do.
    • After Carl discovers his friend is a man named Paul.
      Carl: Well... If you excuse me, I have some pictures to delete from my computer...
  • From the fourth episode:
    Carl: Happy birthdaaay!
    Paul: It's not— please tell me you had nothing to do with this!
    Carl: Why don't you blow out your candle?
    Paul: You've gone too far this time, Carl!
    Carl: What's that? It's hard to hear you over the sound of melting city!

    Paul: How did you even do this?
    Carl: A dollop of fairy dust.
    Paul: Carl!
    Carl: I ripped the tag off a mattress.
    Paul: This isn't funny, Carl!
    Carl: Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people who've just exploded.

    Paul: Why did you think any of this was a good idea?
    Carl: Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
    Paul: ...Oh.
    Carl: I don't understand how you keep forgetting that.
  • From the fifth episode:
    Paul: Carl! I know you've done something!
    Carl: Whatever do you mean?
    Paul: You've always done something. It's a lovely day out. We're having a good time. What have you done?

    Carl: Come on! Look at this! How did I even do this?!
    Paul: I don't understand how or why you do anything!
    Carl: Do you understand how it feels like to be Carl right now? It hurts... not as much as the babies, but it hurts.
    • "Whitey's gotta pay. And the payment is baby hands."
  • From the 6th episode
    Paul: All you do is kill people, Carl!
    Carl: That's like saying all Mozart did was write songs.

    Carl: It's not a meat grinder, it's an orphan stomper.
    Paul: Gross.
    Carl: You know what's gross? Your attitude.
    Paul: Are you serious?!
    • "Let me explain. Efficiency, industry, never before has this many dead bodies been so manageable."
    • "I'm the Henry Ford of human meat!"
    • "It's horrifying, Carl." "Thank you."
  • From the 7th episode
    • All the talk about the hand chair.
    Carl: Oh, the hand chair. I've recently taken up carpentry.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: Now how would you feel if I called your work a monstrosity?
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: Of course I had to use faces. Anything else would be disrespecting the art.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: It's called modernism. Only I've made it more modern by using face parts of city council members.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: I disagreed with the election results.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: Someone had to take a stand. I'm a patriot and a hero.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: Fine. If you're going to whine about it, I can sew them back on.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: I think their bodies are still in my blood canal.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: Yes, I'm the crazy one. Not the people who elected these buffoons.
    [sheep noises]
    Carl: If you'd paid any attention to our city charter meetings, you would see it wasn't an overreaction.
  • From the 8th episode
    Carl: Didn't you get my apology piano?
    Paul: Pianos aren't supposed to bleed and scream!
    Carl: I guess it was less a piano and more a statement on pianos.

    Carl: I miss your grumpy face. And the Paul mask I made hasn't helped. It's not grump enough.
    Paul: You made a mask of my face?
    Carl: Yes, and speaking of which, you might want to avoid being seen by federal investigators. To some, you are now known as Nikolai Sponakov, leader of the Russian opium cartel.

    Carl: I've got nowhere to go. I burned my house down once it had enough swans inside, and I used up the rest of my savings buying the swans.
    Paul: And whose fault is that, Carl?!
    Carl: Society. Society and the swans.

    Carl: What if I gave you… ten million dollars cash?
    Paul: You don't have ten million dollars, Carl.
    Carl: I buried a large chest of doubloons once. I could go dig that up.
    Paul: No, Carl.
    Carl: It was either doubloons or my Zoobooks. A lot of something is in a hole somewhere.
  • The 10th episode is mostly just creepy, but there are still some funny moments worked in.
    Paul Face Mask: Something is down here with us.
    Carl: That's probably the basilisk. It won't bother us. THE STUPID THING ONLY EATS CHIPOTLE!
    • "Oh, it's my gore pit."
    • "Were you always this creepy, Paul?"
  • From the 11th episode:
    Carl: Identity theft: that's a felony.
    Paul Face Mask: Caaaaaaaaaaarl!
    Carl: Yelling: also a felony.
    Paul Face Mask: Caaaaaaaaaaarl!
    Carl: (sarcastically) Paaaaaaaaaul!
    Paul Face Mask: Caaaaaaaaaaarl!
    Carl: (more irate) PAAAAAAAAAUUUUL!